Sunday, December 19, 2021

Sunday December 19, 2021

So, on friday the place we were hoping to move in to said "yes" but  you have to sign the lease in person immediately or you can't have the unit.... So, my husband and I ... well, he took off work last minute and we hauled ass to our new apartment! 

The office of the place was previously a bank apparently, we did all the lease signing while sitting in the car drive through... they sent the paperwork through those tubes, you know what i mean? i don't know what they're called, honestly. It was absolutely ridiculous.

None of this would have been possible so fast if it wasn't for my father-in-law. I am so very extremely grateful. It's hard for me to find the words. He has helped us so much with finding a place and securing it so that we can make this move as smooth as possible.

Due to the timing of having to sign the lease immediately-- I missed my huge family christmas. which is very saddening, since I am going to move away and be even less likely to see my family from here on out.

But there was no way around it, we had to do what we had to do.

Tomorrow I have therapy, and I have SO MUCH to tell my therapist!!! I should make notes, haha.

And on wednesday I have to take Miss Lilly to the Veterinarian because this apartment wants pets to be up to date on every and all possible vaccinations and my baby girl hasnt been to the vet since 2013, i think. I can't quite remember. She'll be terrified for sure, the pet carrier and the drive. I am going to ask the vet for a sedative to give her for the move, I hope they will give us something. I can't imagine how she'd manage an 8 hour car drive without being sedated.

I could probably keep typing but I need to try and get some sleep.


Thursday, December 16, 2021


I've been keeping it a secret for a long time but my husband applied for a new job and has gotten it! so..

So we are moving.

The job will have much better pay and the environment will be better for both of us.

But the down side is... the move has to happen FAST. We are going to be moving to a new state... by Jan 10. Hopefully the first week of Jan even. So there is a ton to do, and not much time to do it in.

Which makes me really anxious, which makes me stall. Because I get paralyzing anxiety. Especially when there's so much to do.... I get really overwhelmed. So this has been... well... not that great.

I have been trying. I Really have. And I'm gonna keep at it. I have to. 

I have a lot of clothes to donate to churches or good will, and also some to give to my cousin.

One of the set backs I'm having trouble with is that we need to be able to throw away more stuff... like the garbage can gets full from just normal stuff, and we are moving out of here and there's extra garbage and nowhere to put it.

Finding a place to live on such short notice has been a nightmare, and especially since it's a place far away.

And the application process, ahhhhh.

Luckily-- Thankfully-- My father-in-law has been helping us. Helping us A LOT. like, more than I could have ever expected. I dont think we'd be able to pull this off if it wasn't for him. And I am so grateful and thankful. If it wasn't for him, our dream wouldn't be coming true.

So yeah... I'm getting teary eyed now... ahhh.

Here have some christmas gifs

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Thanksgiving 2021 part one

 Here's some photos from our thanksgiving/november vacation 2021

I will type a full blog post or... well, i better blog post... i can't promise it'll be great but I will try.. well, anyway i'll do that this weekend after everything is over 

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

tuesday nov 9. 2021

 I'm just updating to say we leave on vacation friday

i will maybe blog abbout the trip. i'm not sure yet.

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Wed Oct 27, 2021

 Sooo, my husband and I are taking a trip in November.. from Nov 12 to 21st.

this is a huge deal for me because, well.. I haven't been out of the house for more than a few hours in like, 2 years. And its a really long time to be away from home.

It's a vacation, I know but with anxiety like I have vacations become..almost terrifying

we are taking the trip back to where he's from, to see his family. I love his mother so much, and his grandmother. But they plan to gather up the extended family for a thanksgiving gathering and it's a ton of people that I don't know at all. which is terrifying.

I am going to do this because I love my husband.

The good news is that the gathering is the day after we get there, so we can get it over with and hopefully I can relax the rest of the trip.

I'm debating on whether i want to take my computer with me on the trip, or just do a big post here after the trip is over.

i'm doing a lot of planning and list making and trying to manage my anxiety. 

Thursday, October 21, 2021

thursday october 21, 2021

 weekly blog update!

so our trip to visit my husbands family and friends is confirmed and the dates are set.

it's gonna be a long trip so i'm mentally prepping myself by making lists and planning as much as i can, which is what i do when i get anxious about something that's coming up. especially something as big as this.

It's close to Halloween so i've been watching some spooky movies and tv shows. I'm currently watching the movie "It"

I am a fan of Stephen King.

Today I put make up on just to see if I could remember how to do it. since on the trip i will be wearing makeup most every day. and i haven't been recently

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Tuesday Oct 12, 2021

 Today is tuesday and i'm behind on blogging again.

lots of physical work last friday, i used a nail gun!

the usual shopping on saturday.

Alabama lost it's game and it's the end of the world! haha

I am really hungry lately and I dont know if i'm just feeling empty inside and need to fill a void or if... My metabolism is higher now that i'm doing physical work. Maybe both.

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

a day late! Oct 5, 2021

 I planned to blog every monday but I didn't manage to get around to it yesterday.

I did a lot of physical work on sunday and I am still feeling it today haha

I had an appointment to get my meds refilled today, and it was an in person visit. which means we had to drive 1.5 hours to get to my doctor. That means today is a bad day. lol hate having to get my husband to drive me to the doctor when it's that far. =(

If we get new tires for my car i can drive myself so there is that option.

since i blew off all my chores yesterday, i have a lot to do today. so i will be cutting this short.

also there are things i cannot discuss yet, so yes. theres a lot going on but no, i am not talking about it.

Sunday, October 3, 2021

Monday, September 27, 2021

monday sept 27, 2021

 hello world

i've started using an app for task management, so i'm going to be blogging once a week now. usually on mondays

i keep  my planner too but the app on my phone has alarm reminders so i'm more likely to get stuff done, i think.

i need structure in my days and weeks or i'll go kind of nuts. depressed and sleeping and eating 24/7 and i really can't let myself do that anymore. or again. or anything.

i went on saturday and helped my parents work on my brother's trailer.

i'm going to go over there again this afternoon and help dad again

i've gained back about 3 pounds from my weight loss and i'm sad and i have decided that i need to quit eating hot pockets because they are addictive and i can't say no to them lol

i might blog more than on mondays but right now i'm just trying to get into the swing of it.

i dont actually have much to say.

my husband and i are planning a trip to his hometown to see his mom in november. a christmas and thanksgiving combined trip, i think. we have to travel almost a whole day to get there so its hard to visit often. I love to travel so i dont mind the trip, and I love my mother in law. she is amazing and sweet and so understanding and patient (my anxiety has me all kinds of weird when i visit her) so i appreciate it.

i'm going to go do so coloring therapy until i go help my dad.

Monday, September 20, 2021

Sept 20, 2021

 So the best thing that's happened is that I got to see the girl I was baby sitting.

When she saw me she said "HEY TAB TAB"

and my heart melted.

she wanted to sit with me and let me hold her and she played with me.

I'm trying to get myself on a house work schedule so I dont lose my mind but it's monday and I'm not even on it yet and it's noon.

I am slowly trying to put together my fall wardrobe but it's just my usual tanks and button ups and jeans and boots. I have a tan skirt that i might wear with tights and boots if i can get some new tights. And another problem is my boots are so worn out I dont know if I wanna wear them. lol

Friday, September 10, 2021

fall gifs


Friday Sept 10, 2021

 So much has happened this week, I cant even begin to talk about it. And a lot of it i WONT be talking about because its private business.

The happy note of the week is that yesterday, September 9 was mine and my husband's wedding anniversary.


We celebrated with delicious pizza and watching the newest episode of Marvel's "What If...?" show

we thought about going out to eat somewhere nice, but i think we both decided that after everything that's happened this week we should just keep things normal this year.

on top of the events of this week, our anniversary was the day of my pawpaw's funeral last year. so that is also a negative note.

This week is basically cursed. And last week two as far as that goes. Cursed from August 28 until sometime next week basically. lol CURSED I TELL YOU.

one of the few things I can talk about is how I wont be baby sitting anymore and its... kind of devastating.

I dont know what i'm going to do with my time or my days, i dont know how i will stay sane. I've just been sleeping this week since we havent baby sat at all and wont be from now on.

I can still see the little girl, she is the daughter of a friend. but i won't get to be an actual part of her life anymore. and its really... its really upsetting. I had grown so attached to her... the funny things she does, the way she says "tab tab" or the adorable way she loves this one little stuffed animal we have here, it's a monkey. and she goes "MONKEY" and we ask her wheres monkey and she gets distraught and all looking for it like oh no where is he and its so precious. She puts monkey to "nite nite" when its bed time and its just... all these little things she does has filled my heart up with so much love and now i dont know what i'm gonna do without her being here most of the week.

I haven't let myself have an actual good cry over it. I've cried but not a real ugly good mind clearing cry.

My plan is to wait a week or two and visit her and take her the monkey stuffed animal and surprise her with it and visit her.

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Tuesday August 31, 2021

 So this is a particularly hard time of year for me, and my family.

August 28  was the death anniversary of my nana's passing (four years ago now)

And then Sept 5th, will be one year since pawpaw died last year.

And this week we are doing quite a bit. I am going to try to make myself think of these things as a DISTRACTION from the bad feels and rather not.... a burden to bear on top of them.

On friday we are meeting old friends in town for dinner. And saturday is football game day-- so obviously there will be a cookout.

My husband and I will move our grocery shopping to Sunday morning because doing it on saturday morning would be horrible given all the people who will be buying stuff for their own saturday football cookouts.

And then the little girl we baby sit will be coming sunday afternoon.

But all I can seem to focus on is death and my grandparents being gone.

I'm sleeping a lot, crying, I'm either eating too much or not enough--- the usual I guess.

As of today I have been logging my calories for 100 days in a row!!!!! Whether I over ate or under ate ... I logged my calories for 100 days straight.

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

I posted this yesterday on FB but here you go

 Let me tell y'all what happened yesterday.

So I was supposed to have a telehealth psych visit at 10am.
So I log in and sit there.
I wait.
At 10:35 I leave and call the office. She tells me he's running behind and to go wait longer.
So I go log in again and wait.
And wait.
And wait.
At 11:30 I call back.
Get told to wait some more.
it took me calling like four times. Getting put on hold a few times. To finally find out that.... Oh... My psych decided to not do telehealth anymore.
And I wasn't informed
They actually confirmed my visit on Friday. And even sent me the usual text to join the telehealth site. Like nothing had changed.
So I finally get a hold of a worker who had some kind of sense and she set me up with a nurse practitioner for telehealth today who... May or may not be able to write all my prescriptions because I take controlled substances (for anxiety and insomnia) and some practitioners can't legally prescribe those but I guess ill find out today.

On top of this I have therapy on telehealth an hour before the nurse. So I'll be on my phone for two hours today.

This is the second time in the last month that the place I go to for mental health has fucked up. And I'm having PTSD flash backs from the times in the past where the place I went before kept screwing me over and I had no other options for my treatment so I had to keep putting up with it.

Can you imagine sitting on your phone waiting for a doctor for three hours only to end up calling the office three or four times to finally find out your doctor won't see you unless you drive 1.5 hours for a 10 min visit just to get your medicine and then go home. Because that what I'm expected to do now. Unless the practitioner can help me.

And if I don't get my med script on time I'll run out of medication. So there's that too.

And please don't tell me to try another doctor office. We literally looked everywhere in Tuscaloosa county and there is no where. That why we resorted to Birmingham in the first place.

Saturday, August 14, 2021

SAT AUGUST 14, 2021

 my husband and I have the house to ourselves for a full whole weekend 

its the first time in ages we've been alone for the weekend

its very nice

the little one we babysit comes on Monday-- that's why we have a weekend, and my parents aren't coming because they're on vacation.

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Thursday August 5, 2021 -- HAPPY AUGUST


I have been sick for almost a week. I went monday and got tested for Covid--- negative 

then i went to the doctor because I knew I was sick but didn't know with what or how bad it might be. I just had/have a very bad sinus infection. They prescribed me a ridiculously strong antibiotic and gave me a steroid shot.

and about three ... well, four week ago now, I fell and hurt my arm. I thought it would get better on its own, but I eventually went to the doctor and found out I have fractured my arm. 

I have never fractured or broken anything in my entire life, so i guess you can say I hit a milestone in life. lol

The fracture is a non-displaced one, and had started healing by the time I went to the doctor (I waited three weeks because I was so convinced it was nothing) 

if i had went sooner i'd have been in an arm sling for a while but they told me that by three weeks out i didn't need one unless it was hurting particularly bad. So I didn't purchase one. waste of money at that point, in my opinion.

Anyway, So just yesterday my husband had oral surgery and it turned out to be a bigger deal than we ever thought it would be. We are in a wait and see what happens situation with his recovery. But he made it through and is ok, worried but he is ok all in all, i think I've done my best to try and take care of him. I've cooked him meals and brought him what he needed until he decided he didn't need me so much lol


I let him have the bed to himself for the first night and I will again tonight. I mean, sometimes its just nice to be able to roll all around on the bed for a night or two and not worry about disturbing someone you're sleeping next to. And we have spare beds right now.

And at the same time as this, we have been baby sitting the little girl we watch for two days straight-- her father had some doctor stuff and they needed us to keep her.

She has been good, very goofy. She is learning more words and small phrases. I think the cutest thing she says right now is.. when she drops something from her highchair is says "uh oh i drop" and i can't not smile. it is so adorable

This month there are a LOT of birthdays. My friend Alaina, Martin, Mom, my brother, my friend John, and my late pawpaw just to name a few. There are many more. it seems like there are a ton of birthday in August and April. 

I've been watching Downton Abbey (finally) and I am ADDICTED to it.

I watch it and make jewelry (nothing complicated, because I want to be able to pay attention)

I'm still playing Animal Crossing, but I haven't played Stardew Valley in a few weeks.

I'm still dieting. I've lost 28 pounds. 


I've been logging my calories in an app called "Lose It" for... what is it, 73 days now? I have to keep doing it because I've challenged myself to do it to at least 100 days straight. even if i have a "bad" day and eat too much. Still keeping track is important.

I finished a journal tuesday night. I started it in January. It was a very cute one... the cover was little watercolor images of cacti and succulents in cute little pots.

my new one is just plain hot pink.

I've started doing journal prompts. usually of the therapeutic or soul searching kind. like "what give you joy" and "what should you let go of?"

Also writing in some nice inspiration or amusing quotes, Using some stickers. might do some doodles in there.

Journaling is good for me. therapeutic and helps me remember things--- just like my planner and this blog. 

I also need projects like this blog and my planner and such to keep myself going. There are times I have so little to do or look foreward to. It gets me in bad feelings a lot.

The next big things are... my wedding anniversary in Sept, and then we will go to visit my husband's mother and his family in November.

I'm sure there's more but off the top of my head I can't think of anything else.

my my, i think this might be one of my longer blog posts in a while!!!

Friday, July 16, 2021

it's been another hot minute

 so.... I had about two weeks off from baby sitting.


with nothing to do I had to squirrel around and find stuff to do... I started coloring and made some jewelry. did a lot of gaming.

basically I need that little munchkin as much as it makes me anxious.

so when she came back... oooooooh my

she is taller! and knows more words and sentences. she is more friendly.

she's been a delight this week

I did take a day off to see if i could get myself together-- I slept a whole day. I think it helped because after that I seem ok.

I am excited about the little one. she is growing and learning. she is so adorable. I would post pictures but she isn't my kid and it's not my right to. her nickname is Sky. so when i talk about Sky that's who... the little one.

Sunday, June 27, 2021

it's been a hot minute

 i haven't posted in a long time

we haven't been baby sitting so its just been kinda drab here lately.

my mom had to put her dog to sleep because she was old and sick and miserable. it was just time. i know it hurt her so much so do it, it hurt dad too. but she's not hurting anymore. they buried her out here on our land

my husband and i both have doctors appointments on friday.

mine is for blood work to check for anemia and my potassium and 

i'm kind of at a loss for what so say so i guess i'll just end this post now

Sunday, June 6, 2021



it's been a while and i've been kind of down but i'm feeling better. the big new is i've started a diet plan and i really think its working for me, i've lost some weight. but the best thing is i physically feel better. which is the most important part. because i felt so ..... i can't even explain it, its a mixture of mental health and physical health... but now i have a meal plan i am sticking to and its great. i meal prep and everything.

the little one i baby sit has definitely hit her "terrible twos" because today was just..... wow. hahaha. that's all i can say. just wow.

we are just keep on keepin' on, i guess.

i have an appointment with my therapist on tuesday and i see the hematologist later this month to check my iron levels

i need to call and schedule my appointment with the psych because i think they forgot to make one for me, i'm not sure, its been complicated since we use teleheath stuff now

Monday, May 24, 2021

Monday may 24, 2021

 SOOOO now my parents have left until friday.

and life can continue as usual.

Only today the little one we babysit isnt coming, which makes me sad.

This week I will be... attempting to start a new diet plan. I have grown disgusted with my body and I am determined to do something about it.

My dad has finally finished building the new back porch and it looks amazing! They will bring a patio table and we will have a nice place to chill outside soon.

We are still working very hard to teach the little one words and phrases, its been hard. she is very stubborn

so today i am going to rest and tomorrow I will hopefully get to baby sit.

Thursday, May 20, 2021

May 20, 2021

 So this week is, and has, been a hell week for me.

For reasons I will not discuss.

I am doing my best.

I finished rewatching Game of Thrones and I apparently restarted it again because now I am... watching it again. 

the little girl we baby sit has found new words to say, such as "happy" and "party" and 'bite"

it's a slow go with this one but we are doing the best we can. we aren't miracle workers and we aren't the childs parents. We just do the best we can.

Tonight my husband cut his hair off to donate to make wigs for cancer patients. Its one of the most special things he does. He has really REALLY good hair.

We've been having technical problems with Paypal lately and its gotten to where I am fed up with them but i also dont know what else to do? this is how i get paid for babysitting. they've just been really sluggish with transactions lately or something. and it makes me more mad than it should, i know.

I recently caught my cat perched on the pillow at the head of the bed. I haven't been getting good photos of her lately. but here she is,

she's a princess, theres no doubt. lol

Friday, May 7, 2021

may 7, 2021


I have the house to myself for most of tonight, so I plan to do somethings I previously haven't been able to do. for example-- watch my friend play Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask on Twitch!!! She and her husband stream zelda games on fridays and i have been missing out because we always have friday pizza night and my parents coming in from out of town.

but this time my parents have other plans and my husband is meeting his father for dinner (very excited about this, he hasn't seen his dad in a very long time and I know he means the world to him. I hope he will get some kind of pep in his step after seeing his dad for the first time in so long)

The little one I baby sit is adorable and just.... hilarious. absolutely the biggest comedian. and she knows she's being funny, too! she isn't even 2 yet and her personality is so huge, I can't wait to see her over the next year or two.

I have been rewatching the show Game of Thrones.  I do not think I will watch the last season, though. 

My wildflower seeds have sprouted in abundance and I bought a spray bottle to mist and water them because they are so fragile and i dont have a watering can... so we just use a pitcher to water and it just completely knocks the little sprouts over. and i dont like that so i will mist them a whole bunch until the soil is moist enough for them to have been watered. lol

my parents bought me two succulent plants for my birthday, and my mom gave me one of my nana's pots that she had collected. so i put one succulent in that pot and the other in another pot... they are doing ok. haven't grown much or anything but they're hanging in there.

I bought a water globe that you stick in the soil for the peace lily that we have kept alive from Nana's funeral a few years ago. It was struggling and I really dont want it to die. I dont know how I would handle it. I'm still in the anger phase of mourning... I know I should move on but... they say everyone mourns in their own way and time,

my mother's dog is about 14 years old and has been coughing so they took her to the vet and she has a heart murmur. so she is on medication now, which is getting complicated because she's a smart dog and we are having trouble sneaking it in her food. i guess if worse comes to worst we can put it in her mouth and hold her mouth closed until she swallows it... hate doing that. really hate it. but sometimes you have to.

the garbage cart wheel fell off on wednesday so its stuck at the end of the driveways by the road.. i have been taking the trash out, putting it in my cars trunk, driving down there and putting the bags of trash in the can. i dunno what else to do. my mother gave me the waste management company number but we need our account number to tell them who we are and i dont have a recent bill to even know the account number. i might have to get my mother to dig it up somehow. because the cart has to be fixed, somehow. or replaced.

with the mask mandate dropped, along with the COVID-19 vaccine being available, i am not sure if my insurance will continue to cover the telehealth appointments i've had with my therapist and psychiatrist.

i hope they do. i dont see why they wouldnt. it just doesn't make any sense to me. insurance companies can be so stupid sometimes.

ok i think i've rambled enough for now.

Friday, April 30, 2021

April 30, 2021

 I haven't updated in a long time. The internet was out for almost TWO WEEKS. can you imagine??? thank god we have and endless supply for DVDs to watch. We got out all the kid safe ones for the little one because she loves her tv shows

The little one I babysit is getting into her "Terrible Twos" and she is increasingly more frustrating but also more adorable. She likes me more now than she had for the past half a year or so. She hugs and kisses me and sits with me and we watch movies and i feed her snacks and i introduced her to coloring yesterday!!!

She is still trying to figure out what hand she wants to use, but she seems to use both equally right now. So maybe she will be a true ambidextrious person... though i know when they send kids to school they try to force kids to be right handed. which is very sad, imo

Right now my husband and I are looking at possible living arrangement changes. I would talk more about it but i need to make sure he's ok with me talking about it.

My dad has been building a new back porch for months and he's finally almost in the last stage-- the roof.

I just got my second Pfizer vaccination shot for COVID-19 yesterday so I'm feeling a bit down.

I actually dont have much time right now, but I plan to update more now that we have internet back.

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

April 13, 2021

 I have today off from watching the little one so I thought I'd update. 

I have gotten the first round of the vaccine for covid-19. I will get the second in a week.

After that, we plan to visit my husband's mother. which will be very nice and exciting. It will be nice to get away and I love seeing her.

my mother's dog is close to passing away, and its hard on her. a big decision to make, to put a dog down.

Friday, April 2, 2021

April 2, 2021


it's my birthday month  

My husband got his second dose of the covid-19 vaccine.

I'm signed up to get my first shot on april 9th.

my husband is off work today and its nice to have it quiet and just us. we did our pizza friday at lunch and watched falcon and the winter soldier.

Tomorrow we are going on our usual grocery shopping trip. We might swing by another store to see if I can find some shorts that I like that fit well, since i've gained so much weight.

the little one we baby sit is starting to eat scrambled eggs and pb&j sandwiches on the regular, but what she loves the most is fruit. so we are going to buy little cups of mandarin oranges and mixed fruit for her to eat along with whatever else was are trying to get her to eat.

there are still some possible changes coming but its just... not high priority, what with all that's going on.

our pizza friday was DELICIOUSSSS

but on some real talk--- We had some trouble with my paypal card not being accepted at gas stations--- even if i paid inside.... and i had just used it in a store five minutes before..... so... we had a crazy day of me driving home not sure if i would have enough gas to make it because my card got denied at three gas stations, but worked everywhere else??? yeah.... its very strange and made me go ballistic... but my husband has been great through all of this, he is a wonderful man. we are just gonna figure out another way to get my car gassed up. 

I love my husband and his mom... AHH HIS MOM

she sent me the most amazing surprise birthday package so i have so much cool high end make up because she subscribed to Ipsy and just saved it and sent it to me... AHHHH so i got like four at once when i got her package. plus other stuff she sent. it was so overwhelming i felt so loved.