Wednesday, November 29, 2023

this December

This December I am going to focus on myself and my health. As much as I can. 
I have Beau to take care of and the house work. And my husband of course.
I have been decorator Christmas but I haven't done the tree or the lights outside yet. I'm waiting for December first.
My PTSD has been bothering me a lot here lately and it's affecting my relationship with my husband. I don't know what to do about it. My therapist wanted me to do a trauma narrative and I just don't even see how that would help at all. Reliving it in detail. Saying it all out loud. I just don't see how that will make my hyper viligance any less acute.
Beau is keeping my grounded in reality because I need to keep an eye on him all the time.
Lilly doesn't spend much time with me anymore and it breaks my heart. She is very mean to Beau and that is making me sad too.
My health is not much better. If I have any energy at all it's because I'm eating vitamin c drops like candy. That helps the iron be absorbed. I am still just playing a waiting game on my health. 
Next year I plan to do art festivals and I need to make stuff to sell. The sooner the better. I need a sewing machine badly. I hope I have the skills I think I do. I remember using one and being ok with it. So I hope I can do what I plan to do. My Pinterest is full of ideas.

Here are some pics

Friday, November 24, 2023

I haven't been blogging very much lately

I have previously waited and gotten my laptop out to make blog post but it think this will be easier don't on a cell phone.


We took Beau to Stan's dad's for Thanksgiving and he did ok. It was his first gathering and he got so excited that he couldn't just..... He wanted to meet all the people. And the people where busy doing thanksgiving. He ended up in his kennel or in a room barred of with a baby gate  bless his heart. He did a good job. He was a good boy.

He didn't do anything wrong. He was just a good boy. Such a good boy.

Tomorrow we are taking him to Stan's, moms she want to eat out and we will be leaving Beau at her apartment  alone with her dog Little Bear so they can meet and hopefully things will go well. He wore his cute new jacket and a bandana.



He looks wery handsome.
 

Here is me and Beau
We had a good time at Thanksgiving with Stan's dad and Sandy.  I got to meet people I that I had never met before  I had a lot in common with Sandy's sister she and I might talk more in the future. I don't know though it's a sensitive topic and it might be best to just let that go.

Since we are seeing Stan's mom tomorrow I  baked brownies for her. She loves my Brownies.  so I have made some for her.
 And she wants to have Chinese for lunch on that day. We will be picking his grandma on the way.to see his mother 






Just another picture. Little blurry lol

Sunday, October 29, 2023

I'm still alive!

 I am trudging along.

Beau is a good dog and I am so happy we were lucky enough to find him and make him our little one.

Lilly is not taking to it very well. I think she is more grumpy now than she was when we first got him. I'm not really sure what to do. I think she needs more space where he can't get to her but that would involve her going into the spare bedroom which... will be occupied soon I think so that isn't really an option.

We were going to take Beau to a fall festival today but we gave him a bath and flea treatment and I didn't even think about the fact that the flea treatment would be on his furr so... the kiddos at the festival would get the chemicals on them and.... well that was just not a good idea obviously.


I am 80% done with Marc Whitt's book "When In Doubt, Make Applesauce!" and it's supposed to be for PR professionals but it's really just a good book fully of good character building ideas and morals. Which, I would expect no less from Marc. I am enjoying reading it far more than I expected. I don't think he planned on me reading it and enjoying it either. He should write motivational books, he has a knack for it.


On tuesday I finally see the Hematologist. I am anxious to get my iron levels back up and see if I can feel like a real person again. I have my medicine list and I'm taking my medicine with me.

Speaking of medicine, my doctor hasn't called in my trazadone prescription despite me submitting my refill request so I don't even have my trazadone which is for my sleep and depression. I am really pissed off but I can't really do anything about it. I sent a message to them about it but it's the weekend and my doctor doesn't work on Monday so it will be atleast tuesday before anything even gets done.

Also the pharmacy cannot get my ativan because there is a medicine shortage and so i have very little ativan. I could call other pharmacies but it's complicated. I might end up doing it but I'd rather not. It's been over half a month. Well they ran out almost a month ago after they filled half a month for me but that was the last of what they had.


I should be asleep right now but hahaha fat chance.

It's 4:30 am now so i don't even think I will sleep at all.


Here are some photos













Monday, October 9, 2023

I haven't updated in forever!

 and i've been very busy actually for once. We adopted a shih-tzu yorkie mix (shorkie?)

and he is... the best thing that has happened to us in a long time.

He is so well tempered he is adorable. And he is learning to leave Lilly alone.

we have been using a squirt water gun to get him to stop chasing after her and its working great.


i have a band concert this sunday and i am playing much better than i was. i feel more confident but there is this part in one piece that is very exposed and we are playing English Horn cues (there aren't any english horn players obviously) and it's very.. you have to count for ages and jump in and the rest and jump back in again and its very.. hard for me. i'm not getting the timing right. and we dont rehearse enough to sit down and hash it out so it's just gonna be up in the air and hope for the best. my friend who plays clarinet with me, that i've been meeting on mondays to practice. she had sinus surgery and couldn't come to the last rehearsal and she hopes to get cleared for the concert but my expectations are not very high on that.

I wont be able to play in the december concert because i will be in alabama when they have the concert so... this is the last one of the year for me. and i will see them in january.

my plan is to practice out of the Klose book and get really good and surprise everyone next year, i know I can play better than I am and if i keep practicing i will get there.


enough of this lets see some pictures of the little dog we adopted, his name is Beau (french for boy)

it is basically the name he had been going by so that makes it easier for him.

we got him from an elderly couple that couldn't look after him properly. they were very nice and gave us all his things. he is a good boy and doesn't do anything horrible. doesn't chew on anything.  we have been working on the house training potty situation and its getting better.

In december i am going back home to see my family the weekend before christmas and we are staying with my parents and they are excited to meet Beau

now i will photo dump pictures of the little man.







these pictures are after we took him to the groomer. his hair was very long before that. it was adorable but he had matted hair so we got him cut shorter. 

i know there is probably a lot more i should update about but i just don't really want to take attention away from the dog too much... he has been a blessing on keeping me grounded in reality.




Friday, September 8, 2023

It's done

 we went back to Alabama and got the rest of our stuff. we officially live in Kentucky now. haha

I feel so good about having all my weird stuff I collected. I'm going through it all and tossing stuff and donating and selling what I don't need. a lot of stuff had been in storage for years so... i wasn't missing it too much obviously.

we have ended up with duplicates of stuff because we moved and didn't bring it and had to buy so that's happening

i am so very grateful to my father in law for helping us do this huge feat. he went above and beyond for us and it means the world to me and my husband.

this sunday i FINALLY get to go back to band rehearsal. it's been SO VERY LONG. i feel an emptiness where music should be and i've been filling that emptiness with shopping. i've bought so much halloween decorations. and honestly i plan to buy more to make our patio really decorated.

also I want to do an Ofrenda this year for my grand parents and i need to print off a photo of mawmaw. mom sent me  picture of the picture and its not very good but it will have to do. I already have picture of nana and pawpaw together. I will need to buy food for them and stuff they like because that's what you do for an ofrenda. I am excited to honor my grandparents i love them so much. I keep thinking about Mawmaw and all her arts and crafts and I wish I could do half the stuff she did. I just tried embroidery and made a mess out of it. I am gonna have to buy a beginners thing that tells you what to do properly. this had literally no instructions

i decorated a fake tree for halloween but i haven't put it out side and i wont until october

i am going to see if google photos synced  so i can post a picture of my stupid little tree lol




oh yay it all saved online. so this is what i have decorated so far. i am going to tweak the stuff that isnt symmetrical enough for me because its bothering me lol
i need more stuff for the top of the bookcase and outside. but that's all. and theres plenty of time to get it. there's no rush. i am just so excited about being able to decorate. i always wanted to but we lived in the woods back home growing up and nobody would even see it we lived so far back from the road.

my wedding anniversary is upon us and we are going out to eat but not on that day because my husbands work has him working a fund drive and i dont wanna make him take me out to eat after working. just seems means. i dont care when we go.... so i told him to wait until a better time. maybe next weekend



Wednesday, August 23, 2023

its been wayyyy too long!

 So life has been trudging along. i'm still struggling with diabetes. can't get my blood sugar stable right now. i thought it was good and then i dont know what happened but i've been struggling for about two weeks now.

tomorrow my husband and i are going to my father in law's house to stay over night and leaving from there to go back home to get the rest of our stuff from alabama. we are going on a very fast trip. not time to visit anyone. just seeing my parents and my brother basically.

i am anxious as hell about this trip but feel better because my father in law is driving us down there and will be a huge help. 

i haven't seen my parents since december so that will be nice

i have to do some serious work in therapy soon and i am no gonna be ready with it by my next therapy session and i have to email my therapist and tell her it will have to wait until another time. but i can definitely use the next session to unload all the details of the trip to alabama because i am sure there will be a lot of feelings about it.

getting my stuff and moving all of it here seems so final. and i hate it. i have family land i am inheriting in alabama and i have to go back there for that. i will not die without living on that land again. i will be there again. i feel like scarlett in gone with the wind about tara. its part of me.


my husband and i are toying with getting a dog but arent sure we will because of other plans. its too private and complicated to talk about so i wont even try.

Tuesday, July 25, 2023

it's been awhileeeee

 so i have... so much to say that i dont even know WHAT to say. I know no one is reading this but I am going to update anyway.

my health is slightly better but i am still struggling. we are coming to a point where we are last ditch efforting my iron deficiency anemia. after this last thing, we will have to start the process of getting expensive tests done. however i, SOMEHOW... VERY UNLIKE ME... have *faith* that this last thing will work.


which brings me to the next thing.

faith.

i seem to have... rediscovered mine? i am... not sure exactly what has changed. nothing really has. or maybe so much has i can't pinpoint it. But my life... I am just so happy. I want for nothing. I am so blessed.

I have made TWO friends. IN REAL LIFE. I .... hahaha.. don't do that. I literally dont. so... i am... i feel so much.. joy. I have made an actual friend who i can hang out with and not feel weird. I dont feel anxious or judged. I am ... I feel so fortunate to have found this person among all the people i could have met. She is a great person and I hope we can stay friends for a really long time. and the only reason we met is because of her dog!!! haha

she has a huuuuge dog. that is SO happy and excited to see new people that is scares everyone. but i was NOT scared of that big baby. and so we kept running into each other while she was walking her dog here (we live close by) and we just kept talking more and more and i think she is happy to have a friend too. The fact that i love her dog and didn't run meant a lot to her. i can tell.. because let me tell you... her dog is a HANDFUL. but i have been through that with my dad's dog Scarlet. just a big hyper baby that wants love!

also I am still playing clarinet! i am having to skip this next set of rehearsals and concert because of a travel issue but i have been meeting a friend from band to play clarinet together on mondays and.... she is amazing and i love her and... she has me meeting her at her church to practice because its convenient for both of us. can't practice at my apartment my neighbors will have a fit. lol and she is driving in from another city to meet me because she goes to church here and is here anyway. so i have been talking to her about my life and everything and i feel... a huge amount of blessed and i don't know. 

what i am trying to say is i am thinking about going to church with her. and if its not the right church for me, she understands, because i've told her about my past with the church i was raised in and also some of my beliefs and she is basically just happy if i go to church at all. she told me she would pray for me over a month ago when we first started hanging out and... well.. honestly. i think it might have worked because my life is significantly better than is has been.

there are a ton of other good things that are small but all of this is snow balling into... a great... NEED.. a feeling of being called into going back to church. i am grateful. i am blessed. and i just feel like its the right thing to do.


so anyway

haha


my husband and i are going back to get the rest of our stuff from where we lived before and i will get to see my parents... very briefly. for like one day. but its better than nothing and i am so excited. sad i wont get to see them more but so happy i am going to see them atleast one time this year other than Christmas. last year i saw them only once that december. my heart was so heavy with missing them that i binge ate myself into diabetes basically. which is one of my health problems i am now struggling with. its better. but i am still diabetic and i will be for a while unless i get things better. i lost a ton of weight but i need to lose more. its going to be a struggle but if i keep going like i'm going i'm too busy to eat! and i want to get a job too. so that is even more activity. I am unsure where i want to work but I am narrowing it down to a few places. i am going to wait until after i get back from alabama and get my band schedule for the rest of the year written down in my planner. and then i will apply and tell them when i will be busy. if they wont let me off for my performances though... i will... that will be a deal breaker for me. i can miss a rehearsal now and then. hopefully not. like i dont plan on it, but if i absolutely had to... i would.

i dont know i am filling up my week with stuff to do and getting a job would change that also.

so now i dont know actually. i mean would love to have the money and love to have that purpose in my life. but also... if i can't do the things i am doing now, i wont be happy either.

so i have a decision to make. its not an urgent decision but it needs to be made in the next month or two?

anyways i am about to wrap this up.



Monday, July 3, 2023

I need to update badly

 I haven't updated because life has been... well, in the gutter, so to speak.

my mental health is very poor (despite my therapist thinking it was great for a while)

I have come to admit I am having memory and cognitive problems. It's almost as if an early dementia that old people get... but I am far too young.

we are ruling out things... such as sleep apnea but I met with a sleep study consultant and told him everything I have going on (he majored in psychology then became a nurse) and he is pretty sure my sleep avoidance and problems are psychological. Probably trauma based.

I was told to tell my therapist to try CBT-I for insomnia and she said we can revisit CBT therapy and focus on insomnia problems but the CBT therapy didn't work very well for me in the past when I attempted it.

However this is a different kind of nasty I am dealing with when it comes to my being too anxious to let myself even try to fall asleep most nights. The entire process so complicated. We are working on solutions.. better noise cancelled ear phones that aren't bulky. or even a blue tooth head band that will play sleep sounds so i can fall asleep and not hear outside noises. I think that is my best shot.

If the getting my sleep right doesn't help my memory then we are looking at a serious problem that I don't want to think about... I'm not even sure what the proper term for it would be.

just the cognitive dysfunction and memory loss i am experiencing. and the fatigue. Always the fatigue.. My iron is still low I have been attempting to take the oral iron supplements but there are days I i know i cannot stomach them so I don't take them. The iron saturation in my blood stream isnt enough for my iron levels to rise. I have plenty of health red blood cells. my platelet count is great.. something isnt right and i dont know what it is. my doctor i see, i just now made headway with him and got him to communicate with me better and now he is retiring! SOOOOOO i am doubly frustrated!!!!!


however he said the woman taking over his patients is young and knows new medical things that he does not know-- he admits he is behind the times now. So bless his heart.. i actually ended up getting attached to him and now he is gone.  D=

I have a chance to start over with this new doctor and maybe come clean about my eating disorder. and how it has affected my entire life since 2005... and how now it is messing with my managing my diabetes.

I have a chance to come clean and get real help but... am i ready to give up my eating disorder? i have lived with it so long it is a part of who i am.. i dont know who i am if i'm not thinking about calories and weight. and not blood sugar!!! and carbs and ahhhh its just so much. it's so very much,


I was hoping to get a job but the sleep study consultation turned up this way and now I am having to look into my mental health more than I planned on because... If I can't think straight how can I work a job efficiently? 


I have thought about applying for disability and it breaks my heart. it hurts to think about it,

and i know i will get denied anyways everyone does their first time applying.

but what i'm seeing is that its because of a lack of medical records and well... i have tons of paper trails from my mental health problems that for sure, starting back in 2008 if i had to dig that far. i can't even remember the doctors name, nana and pawpaw took me to him and they're both gone now.... ..... sadness.


so my next records would be with indian rivers and i can get that. they have to still have them i went there for years. i should call and get them sent to me. i think maybe i will do that this week.

calling places like that is a huge HUGE anxiety trigger for me. like i will probably have a panic attack, not gonna lie. but if I can get information to help something... maybe even help my current therapist if not the disability approval... just having the records would be useful. i dont know why i haven't done this before. 

I am just not getting around to taking care of my own self i guess.

I am ADULTING.


it's hard yall

it really is.



and on that note. i will end this

also with a cute gif












Wednesday, May 17, 2023

copy pasta from facebook

I just forced myself to do all the self care. Shower. Shaved my legs with the good razor. Used the good shampoo and conditioner.  Hair oil (coconut oil ... much needed!) On braided towel dried hair to dry. Face care (moisturizer with salicylic acid because I have oily face skin)  Body moisturizer with the hemp seed oil lotion I love so much. But when I run out of this i am going back to my staple of queen Helene Cocoa butter lotion. Because that stuff is just.. never lets me down. 

I didn't think I'd make it through the shower but my husband suggested I use the shower chair and I am so glad I did. I had the energy left over to do the things I needed to do for self care.
Showers have always been very hard for me since the depression got so bad. I don't know what it is about them... I just get very exhausted when I'm done. So I dread taking them. Since I dont need to wash my hair much I take baths a lot and rinse off after. But when I do shower it's.. very exhausting. And the length of my hair does not help AT ALL..

Ahh anyway I am clean and moisturized. I have already practiced clarinet.

I did not go walking today because I have started an increased dose of metformin and I don't know how it will do me yet and I didn't want to have a blood sugar crisis out in public. So... Maybe on Friday I will start my walking at the mall. I don't have music on my phone. But I have iHeartRadio and they are usually good enough for me. I don't think I need a tailored get pumped up playlist for my walking πŸ˜‚

I spent most of this afternoon sewing a patch onto my canvas cross body bag because I don't trust iron on patches. I have bought a lot of stuff for pride month and I am already wearing everything. I have friends. Family. And I just.... Think equality for all is the goal it's.. THE GOAL.. It's... The goal. It should be standard like I don't even know why there is any questions or doubts. 
People are cruel. and I hate it. Learn to love other people despite your differences. It says a lot about you when you can't. Just putting that out there.



Anyways
Thanks for coming to my tab talk 

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

I hate doctors

Went to the doctor today....

Doc thinks my forgetting everything all the time is memory problems from sleep apnea

So I will get a sleep study

Which he already asked for but never heard anything

So we asked for it again
I'm gonna end up with a CPAP machine.. And still cognitive memory problems basically 

But they have to rule out everything before they diagnose me with... Anything??? You know? Hoops to jump through. Expensive tests. So much hate for this. I don't even know anymore 


I took pictures because I dressed up haha... I always have mean face. So that is a thing.

Tuesday, May 2, 2023

short update

Retail therapy. All my food is eaten in bowls now. And I am tired of washing the same three bowls over and over. 

Also two of them are vintage pyrex and should probably be stored away somewhere safe. They are very special to my husband.

I also allowed myself to buy new gym shorts in a size smaller. Which is a huge deal because I do not see myself as smaller at all. I lost weight last fall and have managed to keep it off. I still need to lose a lot of weight because of diabetes (which is part of what Infuriates me. I lost almost 40 lbs before they even caught it and diagnosed me so what was my A1C before that? Idek)but I have been wearing shorts that fall off me if I don't have a drawstring cinched up tight. Same with blue jean shorts and my cute little formal looking (imo) khaki shorts. I bought belts but I bought them too big because my mind doesn't see my body right.  Stan is gonna help me punch new holes in them. I don't think I have a big enough need or thimble to protect my thumb when I push hard enough on a needle anyway.
 and the gym shorts I bought are still too big so I could have gotten two sizes smaller. πŸ˜ πŸ˜‚

Sunday, April 23, 2023

Sunday morning thoughts

This afternoon is my band concert y'all please keep me in your thoughts. I am comfortable with the people I'm with but at a new venue and new things and I am really anxious. Also about playing because they stream the concert and record it. Ughhh. Pressure is so high. Also I am wearing dress black for the concert and it's all new clothes and shoes. Which I am always uncomfortable about. I'm about to get a shower and start laundry because I need to do it early in the day.


Also this evening I am supposed to catch the neighborhood cat me and my neighbor have been feeding because she got him a vet appt for Monday morning and it's to get him fixed and he can't eat the night before and the only way to make sure is to catch him Sunday night and he usually visits me every evening. But he didn't this morning unless I  slept through it so I will let her know he was missing this morning. We have made friends over helping this little man get some good loving care. He seems to be doing well as a stay outdoor cat. He's not even really a stray we know he has many people feeding him and some people have outdoor beds set out so I know he is sleeping somewhere on someone's porch. He's our neighborhood Tom cat. 😺 He makes the rounds. He does sit outside her door and look in at her cats too. I know he would like a home to go into for a bit each day maybe at night but he does seem very happy being able to roam. And I'd hate to take that away from a free spirited being.

Speaking of that my baby Aiden Hyde back in Alabama is going outside for a few hours a day and absolutely loves I'm he is THRIVING. I miss him but I am so happy he is doing so very well in my absence. He has taken up with my dad very much and sits with him all evening in the living room and now he even sleeps in bed with my parents most nights. He never did that before so I am glad he is being loved so very much. I was afraid he wouldn't be but it makes my heart sing to hear how good he is doing. I raised him from a kitten he must have been maybe five weeks old he was so tiny and alone he was found randomly outside our house in Alabama in 2007 or 2008 I can't remember and he was the one thing after I left college early that kept me going for so very long. Which is why it was so hard to leave him. But I had been away from him for periods of time over the years so I knew he could handle it.


Anyway. Today is a big day for me so please say a little prayer. Concert isn't at 3pm EST for y'all in Alabama who wanna get your prayers in on time 🀣🀣🀣🀣 lol there IS A deadline. Lolol jk 

I love everyone thank you for coming to my Sunday morning tab talk

Sunday, April 9, 2023

more diag-non sense

so i went to the doctor to get a check up on my iron levels, just had bloodwork done and my glucose was high so my doctor decided to check my A1C. My A1C is 9.5 so I am type 2 diabetic.
I feel really overwhelmed. because i had just lost 35 lbs last fall and i know i’m still overweight but i am angry as fuck
Because I have to work even harder. And lose more and yeah i know i am fat in the present but i was somewhat happy.

I got a glucose meter and my blood sugar is off the charts high. Even fasting in the morning it’s high.

I’m taking metformin and it's not really in my system and I can't remember if he said to double the dose after a week– I think he did but its not written anywhere and I can't remember. I will call on monday when the office is open
The other medicine is very expensive and my insurance wants us to get a “Prior Authorization” which is apparently hard
We need to call the insurance and ask what they will cover in the same family as ozempic and try that but the pharmacist said the alternatives are expensive too. So idk what is gonna happen

The metformin isn't in my system good yet. So my blood sugar is high,

But my blood sugar did crash in Walmart yesterday. So i don't know what is going on..just have to wait and see what happens with the metformin for now

I had to sit down and fortunately had bought something I could eat before I tried to get up and go to my car and drive.

I ordered a medical bracelet that says type 2 diabetes. Because I have had issues with this before now. Random blood sugar crashes. But i wasn’t diagnosed so idk. I am going to keep glucose tablets in my purse I guess.

Thursday, March 30, 2023

bipolar notes in the middle of the night

My sleep schedule is off again. I'm wide awake at 2am. I guess I will read books. I need to get on a normal schedule or my bipolar rears its ugly head. And I am just now getting myself socially active and doing stuff. I do not have time for this. Ugh. Melatonin needs to work it's magic. I'm only taking 5mg. I could go to 10…? On nights I am feeling very amped up Maybe? I see my psychiatrist next Tuesday so maybe she can help me figure something out. She hasn't done any changes to my meds and melatonin is just a otc supplement but she might know of something better or just... Anything really idk. I don't wanna take something that makes me groggy the next day because I have such low energy and it makes me stay in bed and I hate it. I am trying to combat the energy problem with iron and vitamins so. But just started that up don't know how well it will work...
Hopefully it will work. I will tell my doctor and we can hopefully work it out with my blood work results I am seeing him on Monday. So next week... 
Monday is blood work evaluation. Tuesday is psychiatrist medicine appointment

This is a word vomit novel. 

There is so much going on that is GOOD for me and I am also struggling in secret about stuff that I don't want people to know about.  It's just built up trauma and self worth issues tied into my appearance or how I look or dress or my body and it's a huge mess. I haven't really tackled that part of my issues. And it's balled up and coming down on me hard right now. 
So I have that going on with the social anxiety thing but I am doing good with that in some ways. But the other stuff seems to outshine the good and that makes me feel really crappy.
Idk who is reading this I'm mostly writing just for me. So if you're out there thank you for reading about my stupid little life.

Sunday, March 12, 2023

I joined a band!

 It has been so long since I have played clarinet with a band. or played at all.

So Last sunday I went to rehearsal and it was just a play through of everything. I absolutely could not play a note at all. I just sat there holding my clarinet. I cried a little. I was so overwhelmed. I knew I could play the music but... I couldn't.


So I spent this past week practicing every day. most days twice a day.

I did better at this rehearsal but I am still only at like 50% of my ability. and i could probably get even better if i kept pushing myself. I have natural talent and I just ... i dont think i tapped into my whole potential.

I don't really have anywhere to go with my playing but this band but even just this will be such a good thing for me.

I would think about asking to play second clarinet or first in the future but The 3rd part is challenging already. I know I'll get better and it will become easy but... with this band they need people on the third part. it's a good sized band but not much wiggle space on changing stuff up. so i am fine playing third even if i am good enough to play harder parts... i'd rather the band be balanced than demand i play first or second part. you need good players on the easier stuff just as much as the hard stuff. other wise it just doesn't all come together right.

so yeah i dedicated this past week to clarinet and i think i will do the same with this coming week.

i need to prove to myself i can actually play. i am not satisfied yet. no where near satisfied. 

Thursday, February 16, 2023

midnight reading again

I'm rereading prozac nation ...Got a TON of quotes pages flagged to type up from "prozac nation" I read it before but didn't mark it up and type up quotes.

I have a lot of stuff I need to type up right now. I found a printed collection of my old poetry that I do not have digitally anywhere and it might come in handy some day so I'm going to type it all out.

I also have quotes from "midnight in the garden of good and evil" to type out. Not as many but damn that is a good book!! I am dedicating 2023 to literature and the arts in general. πŸ“šπŸŽΆπŸŽ¨πŸͺ‘πŸŽΊπŸŽ»πŸŽ­πŸ“½️πŸ–Ό️

Saturday, February 11, 2023

Feb 11, 2023

 This has been... a really bumpy ride for the start of the year.

my mental health deteriorated in december and continued through january. i didn't talk about it in detail but in retrospect it like like a slow motion car crash.

except the waves feelings and emotions piled up higher and higher and i couldn't get a grip on it. i couldn't sleep. i went two days without sleep. and finally crashed somehow. my sensory input was overwhelmed by even the slightest thing. and if i wasnt constantly doing something the sensory feed back would loop about every three seconds. like a record skipping.  


but then again i went another two days with no such luck.

i am up for trying anything if i ever get to that point again. electroshock therapy even. i'm not afraid of it. i think it might actually help.

my sleep cycle needs to get fixed or i get batshit, basically. i know that. everybody knows that. i make SURE everyone knows that just incase i get the batshits and they dont know why.

Bipolar is a really fucking hard thing to treat. Especially bipolar type 1

I had always toyed with the idea of writing a book about my life but i didn't want to be seen as someone just jumping on the bandwagon of Woe is Me autobiographies

but i have a large source of people saying that even as little as they know from knowing me online... that i should write a book.

the problem is i already have a book i want to write and i can't find the material i collected to start it. the pre writing and all that. characters. i thought it was in this one big note book we found in the second bedroom but when i looked in there it wasn't there? 


and then there's the poetry


i have enough poetry to publish a book. i have enough life story for a autobiography of some random internet eating disorder mental illness nut.

and then i have my novel that i think is crazy cool and i would really like to work on the most but i can't find the stuff i did. so i will have to pull it out of my brain again. which is fine, i just hoped the notes i made would be there so id have one less thing to do.


the easiest thing to get published in poetry. 

the autobiography will be crazy hard to write and not call out people. i think i will write about my life up until i met my husband. because that is the bulk of what is crazy interesting bizarre. when i met my husband my life smoothed out and calmed down. thank god.

if i hadn't met my husband i would have been dead by now.


He means the world to me and when i cant function and he has to take care of me it makes me feel really really bad. because that's not how it was supposed to be. i'm supposed to take care of him. 

at anyrate..

my NPR came through on my anxiety medication so i have a huge HUUUUUUUGE feeling of relief right now.

I also got food poisoning and was sick for almost three days.

so the not being able to sleep and going loopy eased up. i cooked a meal. chicken. undercooked it. gave myself food poisoning had no idea i had done it. sick for days in bed. sleeping.

which guess what


KIND OF RESET MY BRAIN


so here i am now

i had a psychotic mental break down, avoided the looney bin, got a stomach sickness that had me basically purging everything no food just meal shakes and water and i vomited that up too.

i slept for a day or so?

i can't really remember.

but here i am.

i took a mental breakdown and food poisoning and reset my brain with massive amounts of deep fever sleep.


so should i write a book or what? ahahaha

Monday, January 16, 2023

first book of 2023

Almost done with my first book of 2023. Have a lot of quotes to type up and add to my collection. Might not keep all of these but probably most of them.

I don't usually buy hardback books because I want to highlight my quotes and feel bad doing it in hardback books. But this was a special book. So I'm page marking, typing, then removing the markers. Might eventually buy a paperback and re read and mark up.

I have mixed feelings about marking up books but for me the books I read are usually study material for my existence. Like a textbook I buy but intend to keep and restudy. I collect books but it's for my personal weird pleasure. Not to show off to anyone.

However! I have bought quite a bit of quick easy paper back reads when I was on a reading binge but wasn't particular about what I read. Those I don't intend to keep. Usually don't mark up.

I guess If you're a bookworm you understand the levels and tiers of book reading and collecting and use and wants and needs lol

Everybody has their own thing they do

Unfortunately most of my books are unusable to anyone after I've had them. And I do feel bad about that in the long run because I know these books will greatly out live me. But the ones I mark up I feel like I have a relationship with.

However there are books I've read and re read many many times and are very much a park of my psyche (Orson Scott card stuff) and I have not marked up those because they are my dad's! I think I might have done one book a little and stopped because it felt down right sinful.

Idk if I will buy the cheap paper backs of those and mark them but I think I do want to read the ender's game and enders shadow stuff again. It's been so very long since I've read it. Highschool. Like a long long long time ago. before Orson Scott card got a movie deal finally done. (I was on a fan website and very much on top of knowledge on that getting done finally) 

Anyway really long post. This was originally a Facebook update.πŸ˜‚ idk why I blog anymore it just feels good. I usually get out the computer and physically type it which is great exercise to keep up.

That's another good reason to type out all these quotes. It's always gonna be good to be able to old school type.
And hand write stuff. Which I also do but my handwriting has gotten so very bad. I honestly need to probably do work on that too. Just to keep up ability.

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

happy new year! wednesday jan 4, 2023

 happy new year.

we are home and i have some personal new years goals. and some for me and my husband as a couple-- such as spending more time with his family.


i'm getting my clarinet fixed and i am going to join a community band. i missed sign up for the first spring concert but i should get my clarinet in time to do the second one if they take sign ups between concerts and not just at the start of semesters.

i am waiting until january 6th to take down my christmas decorations. i have bought a huge storage tub that i hope will hold the wreath and lights and ornaments an book shelf decorations. im throwing out the tinsel garland because its so cheap. i might store some of the gift bags and tissues paper in that same tub if i can manage it to keep it all together.

i have bought two out door decorations for valentines day but thats all for now.

i wanna decorate the top of the bookcase for every holiday and just the door and window outside for the holidays. christmas is the most extensive holiday i plan to do. also halloween. lol


stan got me a new book that i really wanted and i've started reading it. i dont wanna read it to fast because then it will be over.

i'm back on my "diet" i didn't gain much weight on the trip thankfully. but now that its over i seem to be stuck at this weight and im getting pretty upset. i will try lots of detox tea and do my daily miralax and stay on my meal plan but if it doesn't work i will have to change up something. either eat even less or fast or exercise a lot. i dont know yet

I saw my father in law and his wife. also my mother in law. both visits we were good and the visit with my MIL was so very just... down to earth and nice and a good time. i was in a good place mentally and it was so nice to share that part of myself with her because she doesn't get to see it that often.


my cat has been in love with my since we got back but we had a visitor monday and she brought her dog and that made her a bit unhappy in general. just more proof that we cant get another animal until she passes. and i feel bad because my husband wants a dog so very badly and i feel like its my fault he can't have one and it kind of is.

my dad has been sick since christmas and went back to the doctor a second time and tested positive for covid so i am keeping an eye on him. i told him he can't be trying to stick it out when he's stick anymore he needs to take is seriously if he doesn't get well and things last on after the initial meds from the doctor run out. i've told my mom the same thing. they have always put off going to the doctor and they just can't do that anymore. especially since i am not there. i can't handle it.