Thursday, March 30, 2023

bipolar notes in the middle of the night

My sleep schedule is off again. I'm wide awake at 2am. I guess I will read books. I need to get on a normal schedule or my bipolar rears its ugly head. And I am just now getting myself socially active and doing stuff. I do not have time for this. Ugh. Melatonin needs to work it's magic. I'm only taking 5mg. I could go to 10…? On nights I am feeling very amped up Maybe? I see my psychiatrist next Tuesday so maybe she can help me figure something out. She hasn't done any changes to my meds and melatonin is just a otc supplement but she might know of something better or just... Anything really idk. I don't wanna take something that makes me groggy the next day because I have such low energy and it makes me stay in bed and I hate it. I am trying to combat the energy problem with iron and vitamins so. But just started that up don't know how well it will work...
Hopefully it will work. I will tell my doctor and we can hopefully work it out with my blood work results I am seeing him on Monday. So next week... 
Monday is blood work evaluation. Tuesday is psychiatrist medicine appointment

This is a word vomit novel. 

There is so much going on that is GOOD for me and I am also struggling in secret about stuff that I don't want people to know about.  It's just built up trauma and self worth issues tied into my appearance or how I look or dress or my body and it's a huge mess. I haven't really tackled that part of my issues. And it's balled up and coming down on me hard right now. 
So I have that going on with the social anxiety thing but I am doing good with that in some ways. But the other stuff seems to outshine the good and that makes me feel really crappy.
Idk who is reading this I'm mostly writing just for me. So if you're out there thank you for reading about my stupid little life.

Sunday, March 12, 2023

I joined a band!

 It has been so long since I have played clarinet with a band. or played at all.

So Last sunday I went to rehearsal and it was just a play through of everything. I absolutely could not play a note at all. I just sat there holding my clarinet. I cried a little. I was so overwhelmed. I knew I could play the music but... I couldn't.

So I spent this past week practicing every day. most days twice a day.

I did better at this rehearsal but I am still only at like 50% of my ability. and i could probably get even better if i kept pushing myself. I have natural talent and I just ... i dont think i tapped into my whole potential.

I don't really have anywhere to go with my playing but this band but even just this will be such a good thing for me.

I would think about asking to play second clarinet or first in the future but The 3rd part is challenging already. I know I'll get better and it will become easy but... with this band they need people on the third part. it's a good sized band but not much wiggle space on changing stuff up. so i am fine playing third even if i am good enough to play harder parts... i'd rather the band be balanced than demand i play first or second part. you need good players on the easier stuff just as much as the hard stuff. other wise it just doesn't all come together right.

so yeah i dedicated this past week to clarinet and i think i will do the same with this coming week.

i need to prove to myself i can actually play. i am not satisfied yet. no where near satisfied.