Thursday, October 10, 2019

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today.
there is a lot going on.

i had therapy yesterday and stan came into my session with me (he usually does not)
and we had a very open "this is the real  deal" what with my therapist because i tend to skirt the issues and use humor and jokes to avoid talking about the problems. and stan wanted to make sure that didn't happen this time.

that being sad.

something has happened in my family.
a death. not of a blood relative, but someone who married into the family.
a suicide.
the situation is extremely complicated and i will not talk about it here,

so prayers are gratefully accepted. this is a strange time. (if you know the situation youd under stand why its so very strange and uncomfortable, but its not my place to share this information)

so that is what is happening now
on top of helping my mom babysit, which is the highlight of my day. my week. my life. its the best thing. taking care of this baby is the happiest i've been in a very long time, which bring up other sadness that aches at the core of my being. so this is a very confusing time for me.
but I am alive and I am ok. and that is a miracle in and of itself, isnt it??
i am grateful for my husband and the life i have.
and that is all i can say.

please think of my family (my cousin specifically)
bless everyone
have a wonderful thursday.

Saturday, October 5, 2019

saturday update

so today I got dressed and put on make up and nice clothes and left the house!!!
it was ok but I got really really anxious, i had to turn the fan on high and fan myself to cool off. i sweat really bad when I anxiety.
the pub event for the radio station was very different than past events and they had a scavenger hunt where you had to go to different places and find out stuff and get your list of stuff notorized, idk. we didn't do it-- and the people we expected to be able to see weren't there because everybody was spread out doing the stuff.
so we went to the little book shop and then left for walmart.
which was horrible but not as bad as it could have been. my feet went numb because i was wearing boots and my knees were really weak but i made it through.
I got a new bra, which is really exciting and I am very grateful.

We are at home now trying to relax, I might crash early tonight... going out today was extremely exhausting emotionally, mentally, and physically. but i think the worst part was mentally and emotionally i think i did ok physically maybe. other than squatting to look at books on shelves was hard because i couldn't get back up without help lol. my knees dont work.

we are watching Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby because we need something mindlessly stupid to laugh at.

anyways, thats my saturday.

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

i have scheduled myself to blog every four days lol

i have downloaded an activity tracker to help me be more productive
i have tasks that i've set to do on days and it keeps track and such
i also have a mood app to record my moods.
and i am logging all my food again, so i'm definite not eating as much lol hopefully i'm gonna lose weight because lets be real here, i am obese and this is not ok.

i did a lot of house work sunday
yesterday not so much
i'm going to try and do a bit today

we (as in mom and me) were supposed to be baby sitting almost every night this week but something happened and we aren't and i am  sad because i was looking foreward to being around a little baby. i really like babies and kids and i just... its starting to sink in hard that i am going to be missing out on this part of life.... and i just feel empty. i need a little puppy or something. i dont know i just need to have a need to be alive. i need to have that... i have to be alive to take care of my kid thing... but i can't have kids... so i need doggies. please give me doggies. we can't have them here. i mean we do have them but they arent ours.  i want one that is mine since puppy, i want that bond. i want to be a mom. i need it.
but we can't do that here.
lilly is my baby but she is 7 years old, and a cat. she is very independent and self reliant.. cats need less attention and care, they generally want less interaction with humans than dogs. i love cats but when it comes to me having a baby, i need a dog.
uh anyway that came out of nowhere, jesus. lol

i finally finished my journal i have been writing in since january.. i guess i have just been so bored or empty and uninspired i havent been writing in it. i did get really down before the iron infusions so maybe that was why. either way this last journal... it took me the longest time to fill it up. like the longest time ever. i usually wrong every day but i had nothing to write this year.  i dont know.
and even when there was a ton going on-- all the doctors and stuff-- i did't write a lot.
i dont know why. maybe i'm just phasing out of journaling which is sad because its so good for the soul and you can look back when you're old and realize how stupid you were lol

anyways most of my life is actually boring and involves gaming and tv shows.
but i thought id post

my cousins wedding is this month and we can't go because its in new orleans and its so expensive to get hotels down there plus the stuff we wanna do (the aquarium etc) because we were gonna use that as our anniversary vacation, and stan has never been to new orleans.
but i guess it will have to wait for another few years

so anyway.. uh... well my parents are doing a festival this weekend to sell my dad's stuff he makes and thats pretty cool but also very very stressful on everyone so yeah.

but i have to say i am in a pretty good place right now, and stan is amazing and i love him.
i love life and i am grateful for everything we have. I look foreward to the years to come.

Monday, September 16, 2019

Really long time from last update

Most of my medical issues are resolved. I mean not really but we have some answers.
I will get bloodwork done again in two months or so.

I've been playing Minecraft a lot.
I think I'm depressed but I dont wanna change my meds. Because it's just... You never know what'll happen.

Stan and I are watching the show "Community"
Comedic gold.
I want to update more. My computer isn't charged so this is on my phone and I hate updating this blog on my phone, so.

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Augus 10, 2019

I haven't updated in a long time.
I have been deemed non-anemic as of my last bloodwork. I'm a few points above anemic now. they want me to come back for a three month check up to see if my iron levels are staying in the good range.

I had a CT scan and I have found out I have Ovarian Cysts and Diverticulosis.
So my weird stomach problems are actually a thing.

I mean, other than the GERD and reflux and hernia. I mean, lower abdomen stuff.

The ovarian cysts explain why I have been having really bad pain in my pelvic area and its not always during my period, just randomly... like bad.

I've been playing Minecraft and its really addictive, like REALLY REALLY.

on Monday I have an ultrasound of my gallbladder-- AGAIN.
they said (from the CT results) my gallbladder wall is inflammed-- but they didn't say anything about the gallstones they said i had. so i am not sure what is going on with that.

And wednesday I have therapy in birmingham.

And in a week or two I have a colonoscopy.

So I think we might be coming to an end of the investigation part of this whole thing.
Unless I have flair ups of whatever I have wrong.

My Dad starts his new awesome job monday.

I'm listening to old Fall Out Boy and waxing hella nostalgic.

My husband has been so patient and loving during all this medical nonsense and I am so grateful for him. I love you babe.

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

hello darlin nice to see ya, its been a long tiiiiiiime

So I had my first iron infusion last friday and the chemo/infusion station roomof the cancer center is REALLY CREEPY. like creepy spa day. they give you almost anything you want while you get your treatment. i didn't take advantage of most of anything because i wasn't there but an hour and a half or so. the chemo patients are there all day sometimes so i thought i'd just not.
MY blood pressure was ALMOST in the low range when I left (like one or two points from low on both) and they kept me longer than they planned because i seemed a little off, but i think i was just tired from not sleeping much.
I figured I'd have high blood pressure, but I haven't every time they check. pretty cool i guess

this past weekend I was in pain most of the weekend and we are trying to get the doctor to make a decision on what he's gonna do but it seems he is just.... ugh

I dont have much else to say

I go back to cancer center friday for more iron.

Friday, June 21, 2019


so no cancer!!!

so other than therapy yesterday and the results, this week is/has going to be quiet.
i need the rest and down time tbh

next monday I have another test thing, and that weekend I am going to see my cousin because its her birthday.

i love my husband so much and i am go grateful for him and i am so blessed.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

Text update

Trying to make this not a complete vlog blog lol....

I wasn't gonna post about this until I got the endoscopy results and then I realized the endoscopy is on a Friday so it might be middle of next week or later... So I will just tell now.

They did very advanced detailed blood work Tuesday. And I found out yesterday that my iron level is ridiculously low. Like almost non existent.
So that is why I have been so good damn tired. I mean, I get tired after 15 or 30 mins of doing anything. And if it's stressful work even faster. I have been thinking I am pathetic and lazy and weak and worthless. But I actually have a physical reason for my lethargy and being so tired all the time and how I get exhausted so fast.
They are referring me to a hematologist.
And the endoscopy will help see if I'm losing blood via a peptic ulcer or if my hiatal hernia is ... What's the word.. perforated? And bleeding.
Also I will see an OBGYN because my lady stuff is suspicious of being a cause of lost iron too.

So some of my stomach problems might be causing my iron deficiency. And we will find out soon. Also find out how bad my hernia is. And if I have an ulcer.
Then they will decide if they will take out my gallbladder and do any other surgery to help my problems with being able to eat foods without pain almost Everytime I eat. Or vomiting. Or whatever. (The hernia stuff) which could help stop my lost of blood/iron.

But it looks like either way I will be on super high iron supplements soon. And may or may not be having surgery for one or two different reasons.

Which I mean... Hell that's fine. If that iron supplements thing makes me feel better and have the energy to live life that would be freaking awesome.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

June 11, 2019 vlog

I am really getting lazy... its so much easier to talk for like five minutes than spend half an hour or more trying to make a blog post lolol

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Thursday, May 30, 2019

therapy and future plans?

I got up at 4:30am and got dressed and we went to birmingham for my therapist appointment.
i couldnt sleep much last night so i was kind of wonky but idk. i was anxious about the appointment because i had a lot to tell her and ahhhh
but it was good.
I played Animal Crossing in the car on the way to and back so I didn't fall asleep in the car. I wanna try and keep a normal sleep schedule so staying awake was good. also it gave me something to do other than annoy my husband while he's driving. (interstate driving is worst and the stretch of interstate we have to travel for this is ridiculously bad with construction and lane changes and just no good)
so its good that i wasn't bothering him while he was driving-- it seemed like traffic was particularly bad today.

there's an award banquet coming up(this weekend?) that i am not going to because i've been sick lately and seeing the doctor more. and there just hasn't been time.. to need a dress and i dont know if i can eat the food so. yeah

but this weekend I might see my cousin April and spend time with her instead so that is a very good trade off haha!

 and then i have an appointment with an upper GI doctor on June 6th to see what is up with my esophagus and gallbladder??
after that the Dark Phoenix movie comes out and I really wanna see that because I love her in the comics and its also the woman who played Sansa Stark in Game of Thrones so i just...  i wanna seeeeee lol.

then i finally see my therapist again on june 19th. i need to call the nurse practitioner before that and let them know i will run out of meds and they need to call it in? it seems like a very complicated weird situation between him and the actual psychiatrist and the therapist like i cant... i cant make it work in my mind so i need to get my husband to help me.

he has been my everything through this i have been a little pile of poop and he has taken care of me and i dont deserve it at all... and i am so grateful. i love him so much. i can't explain it. he is my everything.

anyways. uh

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

might vlog for a little while

because i am lazy (tired and sick) and dont wanna type a lot about it. but talking is easier.

idk-- the still image the show before you start the video is frightening lmao

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Well I finally went to the doctor for some stuff

On next tuesday I fnd out if I need my gallbladder removed.
after that we will see what else is wrong.
Just kind of looking at everything it could be an eleminating one at a time

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

so its game on ENDGAME


so much going on



i have been sick and distracted by stuff and not really feeling like updating here.
but I will do so again as soon as things die down.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

I'm 33 nowwwwwww lol

SO my birthday was nothing and that is perfectly fine with me because i dont need a reminder that i'm getting older ok thanks hahahha

Stans mother went into the hospital on my birthday and we were scared as fuck and he packed a bag and got the oil changed in his car just in case he needed to go. i would have went but my anxiety is so bad--- he would be trying to manage too much mentally and emotionally and i would have been a burden so, i was going to stay home.

but he didn't have to go.

the game of thrones season 8 starting was good
and we have the avengers Endgame coming up.
and then the crawfishboil in may... which means lots of cleaning up to do
and uh oh my god....
we really really need to clean, the yard is a mess and thats were people will be... and that garage but i have no idea how this will happen because dad's machinery takes up so much space.

the house is bad because of animals and they are shedding their winter coat furr EVERYWHERE. Im looking at you Marleigh I know you can't read this but bless your heart sweetie. idek. i tried to brush some of her winter fur out and it just. i dont even know, it keeps coming. we need a real groomer or a huge super strong brush

gotta clean up the back porch gazebo and the fire pit with the chairs and stuff cause maybe smoke some sausage. why not roast marshmallows, who knows.

i just want to say that husband has been so very very supportive of me and caring and i cannot ask for better... i am blessed. the lexapro is helping a lot and i am trying to remember to take the ativan for  anxiety i just forget it a lot. or try to push through and not need it. put it wears me down when i do that so idk..

i'm trying to go outside more and leave the house and just... not be in the bedroom. its hard.
like i am ashamed of the absurdness of how hard it is for me to do these things. it makes me feel bad and then i feel bad and dont wanna try and its like.... digging hole deeper.
but i am trying to get past that. in some way
i am doing more than i was
socializing more than i was i think maybe

i am just so very thankful that stan is here to help me while i do this because i cannot do this by myself. at all. I love him and he is my rock. I am waiting for him to get home from work right now...

Thursday, April 4, 2019

thurs april 4th

so my medicine seems to be helping me. i went outside and layed in the sun for over an hour-- and have a sunburn to prove it. lol
it felt good to be outside. i would (might) do it again today but a sunburn on top of a sunburn might not be a good feeling lol. i know i should use suncreen but then i will ever tan. i always burn and then tan (if i can keep moisturized and not peel)

my birthday is saturday and its just another day for me, i'm not really wanting to do anything for it.

i am so close to retiring my main stardew valley farm. i am on year 11 now and i have 20,000,000 something in gold and i just wanna roll that 2 over from 9 to 100,000,000 -- which will not display on the game because there isn't enough digit slots. i will essentially "break the bank"
and then i will retire this farm and do a new one. maybe a different kind of farm. a river or forest farm.

i have master the whole fast track to money thing so if i can get that done i can play around with designs on these new farms... they are set up different with space and water areas.


Also the Avengers: Endgame
so this is exciting things

also in May the crawfish boil.... which will need the house and yard to be cleaned-- and maybe, just maybe, i will have the energy and nondepression feels to help them out and that will make me feel good about myself.

also it is Marya Hornbacher's Birthday-- she wrote "wasted" and "madness" and a few other wonderful books about mental illness and I am her friend on facebook so I sent her a message. I forgot her birthday and mine were two days apart. haha. that is so cool.

Monday, March 25, 2019

hopefully things will get better now

my doctor has increased my lexaro and we are yet again waiting.
i seem better but my anxiety is bad and my self esteem is so bad i dont know what to even do with myself.

i went with Stan to a job last week end and i got to see one of my old friends and it made me really happy.
but also sad because i know i can see her all the time.

i guess this week is just another week unless stan makes me go to this concert on the 30th and i really should it would be good for me-- but it feel so bad doing it because i am miserable.

Miss Lilly lost her collar and that made me sad but she has been really nice and loving since then so maybe she was only because mean because he hated that collar so much lol

i think i need to get a mammogram
and bloodwork

i dunno

i am playing video games because i am lame

Friday, March 15, 2019

same shit different day

so my new anti depressant medicine is at a low dose and i am trying to hold on.... i see the psychiatrist next tuesday and the therapist also.

we are thinking that maybe i could drive myself to the appointments that are just the therapist and not the psychologist. because idk lol it just made sense at the time

I have been playing stardew valley alllll the time. also legend of zelda Breath of the Wild

..... i have to say that i am so thankfull and grateful for my husband. he has done everything he can to help me and i am so thankful and blessed to have him in my life.

also.... unfortunately.  my brother's wife's step dad (who has been a big part of her life) has died... on sunday.
and i have been selfish and horrible and i havent went to see them.
i just thought that my depression would be... adding to it?
but i am going to visit them tomorrow.
i should have done it sooner and i feel horrible about it.

there are plans for us to go to the mobile, al area in april (we'd leave on my birthday) so that is fun.
and there's a concert my husband w ants to go to.
so there's stuff going on and... i'm trying really really hard to pull myself out of this depression hole so i can enjoy the real world and do stuff.


i wish i had better news.

the new medicine might work... the dose is really low right now. so there is hope. just increasing it. and then waiting the 2-3 weeks . I am trying to think positive.

Friday, March 1, 2019

troubled waters

we are changing my medicines and requesting a re-evaluation of my mental illnesses
because after some personal assessment my symptoms  could be one thing or another or both things. one of these things require a special kind of therapy and possible hospital stays for stability reasons to we want to make sure everything is actually what the people at the shit free clinic said it is. because who the hell knows.

i am trying to pull through this depression is it has been a long one and i have been laying in bed in misery for a long time
I have therapy on monday

stan is a saint is trying so hard to keep me sane and ok and safe and happy and i love him and i can't find a way to tell him because my mood swings are so bad that by the time i realize these things something else has set me off.

this is part of the stuff that we aren't sure about... and might be a sign my diagnosis is wrong.

all in all.... i dont know.... stay tuned-- i know only one person checks this blog but i still try to update it when i can.

all i have going on is therapy and videogames and trying to keep my shit together until medicine works or something else happens.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Ok.... So. My husband is amazing

My wonderful husband has done so much for me lately. He got my car fixed. He bought replacement controllers for the Nintendo switch because the only thing that seems to make me happy is gaming. And it doesn't even make me happy. It just passes time. Until I go to sleep again.

He is trying so hard to make me happy and I am so depressed and I feel... Guilty. Because I want to do and be better but I just..... cant. I dont know how to explain it.. my mind is dark and twisty (to quote Grey's anatomy) ...and we know I have to try new medication...  I am so hesitant to try anything after the last time we tried those two meds that were so horrible... But I am going to have to try something new... Something else... Because this is not.... Idk. Anyway we will attempt a new medication soon (appt Feb 19 next Tues for that and also therapy) but I am just barely hanging on here.

I know I've said that before but it's bad bad bad. And I'd probably benefit from a stay at the psych hospital at this point but I don't wanna go that's the absolutely last thing I will ever do.

I wish I could see my therapist every week  but it's so far. I could drive it now that my car is fixed. I mean it would be a feat but I could probably do it. And Stan wouldn't have to take off work? Maybe he could just go when I see the psychiatrist. And I can go alone when I see the therapist.

Oh my I keep thinking up these things and I know I can't ever do them. I don't think. It's... I don't think I could do the drive. But maybe....

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

hello darlin, nice to see ya. it's been a long tiiiiiiiime

My only news to report is that the major clinical depression struggle is very real and very kicking my ass lately.

I am making due with video games, netflix, and the occasional coloring book. but these things are getting useless as my depression episode grows longer.

we are going to call my doctor and schedule a emergency type check in to get me on a new medicine of some kind for depression---- hopefully one that wont make me gain 8202084 pounds. because I already feel disgusting right now. I'm not sure how much more I can stand.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Sat Jan 26, 2019

Thing have been so blah lately. the only thing I've been doing is watching The Tudors on netflix and playing the game Stardew Valley on the nintendo switch-- which is, definitely, way better than what most gamers play. no violence. lots of growing of plants. lol

My heart necklace that stan got me-- the chain broke so we went today to get  new one. it was really exciting. I think we got a chain that will keep the pendant from flipping over so much

We are hoping to plan a trip to the Nasa Space and Science Center in february instead of going to Kami-Con because all the construction around that area is going to make it absolute hell to get in and around the BJCC in birmingham. plus I have wants to go to the NASA thing again since I've been an adult.
We are hoping we can get Alex and Sagen to go with us. make it a couples things. We gotta get on them about scheduling that because they are so hard to get a free weekend with.

random: we need to get a bulb for the quartz lamp
we got an invite from my cousin Kelleye for her wedding in October and they used a wax stamp like i got stan fo xmas and that is so cool!!!!
I got a new wallet from Wish and its so pretty and I love it
I got a grey-ish hat
MY period is late and i'm not pregnant ... no chance of it. so i am kind of just in pain and on egg shells waiting because i never know when it might happen now that its late. like a week late? i dont know

we have some things we might ... have coming up soon that might change our plans for the future so i am tying to not make any long term plans right now lol

Monday, January 21, 2019


I met my new therapist and she is going to be a really good match for me i think.

I am struggling with irritability and depression right now.

I dont have much else to say

Friday, January 11, 2019

so I'm updating again

not much has happened... Alabama football took a huge hit.
I went to work with Stan for a day and slept all day on the office floor (thankfully nobody was there hardly) I honestly just needed to get out of the house hahah.
I am grateful for him letting me go to work with him, even if me being there was awkward and weird.

I love my new phone and my computer. I want for nothing. I cant express how grateful I am to have a husband who takes such good care of me. I am so very blessed.

Next week I have an appointment with a new different therapist. Its a woman so maybe I can talk about some of the sexual trauma I've went through and she should understand body image and eating disorder problems a lot more than a man would. they are moving to a new location. they have rented the 5th floor of the galleria in Birmingham. like.... wow. who does that? so i think my session is there? or is at the normal place? i dont know... the not knowing is going to make me nervous so thats no fun. on top of the meeting a new therapist. and having to explain my mental health history over again. I have a notebook actually, where ive wrote everything down. so i need to find that green notebook before next thursday.

My parents are taking a little vacation to the casino in Mississippi so Stan and I have the house to ourselves. Which is nice. But taking care of the dogs... there is one dog that wakes up at 4am and barks until you let her outside. and its just.... wow. I admire my parents for having the patience to do the routines with these dogs that they have established. (the dog that give them the most trouble is Scarlett and she is a special needs dog, so again, i admire my parents for taking this on)

this weekend we are going to finaaaaaaally get together with Alex and Sagen (alex is a friend from stan's work)
and we plan to see a movie, go to Hokkaido for dinner and then exchange very very late christmas presents. and make Sagen watch the movie Forrest Gump because for some reason she hasnt seen it yet. and I cant imagine... not having seen it. Its like.. a staple for the southerners. lol

so thats is for now i think. i will update again if.. anything pops up

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

hello again internet

I am back from my sabbatical from the internet. and i can say that it is definitely possible go without it all, but its not pleasant. lol
we were  in Kentucky the whole time I was without the internet or phone stuff

My husband got me a chromebook for christmas and i was completely not expecting it and i was like omgomgomg. I had no idea, like it was so... Idek. lol

I also need a cell phone and we got one today and i am trying to get that sorted out

while i had no phone i played the nintendo switch... Stardew Valley. i am still in love with this game and it is definitely the only reason i am using the switch at the moment.

I got sick in KY with some kind of headcold. it felt like my head was underwater in an aquarium and i was hearing a high pitched drone all the time

I have a psychiatrist appointment thursday and no way to get home. so that is kind of trouble some.
we finally got my ambien filled

I have a lot of laundry and cleaning up to do because the room is a mess and i've been in a depressed funk for a long time now and I just... can't manage to get enough days to catch up on everything. because as soon as i get there i end up depressed and lethargic and tired again

the trip to kentucky was great and i love my inlaws even if some of them dont love me.

i would type more but honestly this new chromebook keyboard is giving me troulble.. the keys are spread out more and its throwing me off

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...