Bipolar Type I - Generalized Anxiety Disorder w/ Panic attacks & OCD - PTSD - Chronic Eating Disorder (since 2005, it comes and goes)

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

July 18, 2020 - Staycation

So due to Covid19 and other unforeseen things we have decided to take a vacation to... a hotel 30 mins from my house. haha
It's going to be cheaper because we wont be using gas to travel so far, so that should be a good thing, I think
Today is the first full day in the room and I am trying to relax.
I had been having a lot of trouble relaxing at home, I cant fully explain why. It just seemed like no matter what I did, no matter how much rest or sleep I got.... it wasn't enough.
So my husband is being a wonderful man and letting me stay in a hotel in town while he works during the week so it's not exactly a vacation for him, save for he doesn't have to drive 30 home and 30 mins to work every day. and we get privacy and a nice big king sized bed and can turn the AC as low as we want. haha

I hope he enjoys this, or I will feel bad for being so selfish and needing and wanting to do it.

here's some photos from the first night, hotel and food etc

our room

we had mexican for dinner

this is the inside of my delicious grilled chicken quesadilla with added mushrooms and onions. and a dollop of sour cream there at the top.

I hope to post again while we are on "vacation" I've got a lot of time in the hotelroom to relax. I'm probably going to take a nice long bath at some point. I just wish I brought a bath bomb or something haha

Saturday, July 25, 2020

July 25, 2020 - Saturday

I haven't update because 1. I've been kind of depressed and 2. we've been baby sitting almost constantly.

but other than that my husband and I have been enjoying watching shows together and other such things that we do.

However, to get away from the house.... in lack of the ability to really take a vacation this year (thank you COViD-19) we are getting a hotel room in town for three night just to get away from the house for a few days. Start on monday of next week. So maybe I will have updates then. Hotels are fun and anonymous and nobody can bother you and you dont have to worry about anything and it just feels so good.

Here lately everything is baby this and baby that... the baby is literally all there is. We are the only baby sitter they have and we are being run ragged by this. But we love the little girl so much its hard to get upset, she is so precious. It's like.... AHHHHHH GRRRRR AHHHH. I have no idea what parents feel about this but it's gotta be even worse so its definitely good I am not a parent. I couldn't handle it at all. God bless the parents you are so strong.

So as for my depression, I am trying to half my ambien at night (which is ok, its on a CR so i can half if without messing up its release into my system) so I'm not so sleepy the next do, so maybe I can take my ativan for anxiety without falling asleep during the day. I'm walking a weird line between under medication and over medicated. I can't find the right place. I need relief on my sleep and I need relief with my anxiety but I dont need next day drowsyness because it messes with my anxiety medication a lot. so we have to figure out a way to work it out.
And the depression, right, so... i might have to call my psychiatrist and tell him I need a medication adjustment but I have no idea what he might adjust. and adjustments bother me because if he a new medication I have to wade through new side effects and i HATE THAT. HATE HATE HATE.
So I am just hoping I can manage the sleep and anxiety and it will somehow help the depression so I dont have to call the doctor about the depression because I dont see him for like two month unless something pops up.

So Anyways I am making packing lists and stuff for our "staycation" and its all fun and stuff, I am going to try and and enjoy this as much as a real vacation.

Thursday, July 2, 2020

July 2, 2020 - Thursday

So today started like any other day and will probably end like any other day.
spoiler alert.



since the last update I have.... Had to cancel an appointment for bloodwork because I felt sick. (post op infection or pain idk) need to reschedule sometime soon.

My husband and I have started a new show on Netflix that we are very into so we have netflix dinner dates when he gets off work, which is nice 💕

I'm still seeing my therapist via video chat, because our insurance keeps extending their coverage of that sort of thing due to covid-19. So I haven't had to drive myself to therapy yet and i kind of sort of want to just to see if i can do it. I love driving and I think I can do it, I wanna make everybody go "whoa she did it!"

We had a potential problem with the pharmacy that ended up being perfectly fine (as far as I know, I should probably call)

We have been baby sitting this past week and it was so much fun. 

I'm still playing AnimalCrossing everyday, that's not gonna change for a while.

Today I had one of the first random "hi i like that you support mental health awareness" chats i've ever had. so shout out to that person, they know who they are! ❤

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

June 23, 2020

So I had my second dentist appointment and the surgery. I am so thankful that my dentist is amazing, he was able to save two of my three teeth that they thought I might lose. So I only had one tooth cut out yesterday. I'm on an altered diet today and yesterday and probably tomorrow. My husband was wonderful and got me soft food I can eat easily. Because he loves me and he is amazing.

We have been baby sitting and the little girl we baby sit is growing so fast and she is so precious and adorable I can't get over how wonderful she is.

I'm doing a little bit better with my depression lately, but I'm still feeling the pull of it.

My dad had a dentist appointment the same day i did, and he got some not so good news about his tooth soh he basically had the opposite day i did.

I've been doing my nail lately and its helping me feel better about myself. it's amazing how the smallest little self care thing can change how you feel. I admit its hard to be patient and wait for my nails to dry because the way I do them makes it take forever, I coat my nails a million times with polish because I want it to be very thick and less likely to wear off. But the waiting time for it to dry is insane. I dont wanna get all new polish and get that instant dry stuff so I am using what I have. I prefer really sparkly nail polish because I love glitter. Last time I did my nail my husband picked a random color for me and it was green haha, I only have one green nail polish that I got my christmas themed nails, so I did that with a sparkly top coat.

I've been decorating my planner a lot lately and I forgot how many awesome stickers I have so YAY.
I also decorated my new journal with lots of washi tape so that is really fun for me.
I'm trying to do stuff to make me happier, and its all these little things like this.

The dentist and oral surgeon appointment thing was kind of annoying with all the Covid-19 procedures, but we have to do it or we can't go to the doctor.

My next therapy appointment is at the very end of this month so it will still be a telehealth video session. But after that I will be driving myself to therapy for the first time and I am excited and scared at the same time. It's a good thing so my husband doesn't have to take off work, but it's also scary because I have to drive out in a place I don't usually drive and also my car has been trying to break down a lot. But my dad serviced my car and I think it's going to be fine honestly. So I just need to worry about my driving ability.

I guess that's all I got to say now.
I'm gonna go play some animal crossing, it's almost 8am and that means the shop opens and I can sell all my fruit for the day. haha.

Sunday, June 14, 2020

June 14, 2020

So things have been pretty ok, I got my car fixed, had an iron infusion, went to the dentist.
I "saw" my psychiatrist and got my meds (though there might be an issue with refills that I need to work out soon)
The dentist scheduled me for another appointment and surgery, on the same day so as to make it easier on everyone when it comes to numbing my mouth and having to take off for it i suppose. So I'm losing another tooth, possibly two.

I think the iron infusion has helped me. I am less tired I think.
I have more energy, I'm also trying to not take ambien every night and just see if I can sleep on my own. Mixed results with that but atleast when I dont take it I am less likely to sleep half of the next day?

We have been baby sitting again and it is a wonderful thing. The baby just turned one and she is a hoot. We look foreward to her being here. And when she isn't here it just feels so empty.... even though that when she is here we get exhausted keeping up with her... lol

So like I said my sleep pattern is all kinds of weird. I am waking up randomly at night and staying up for an hour and then going back to sleep.
This last night I woke up at 11, 1 and 4 and I just decided to stay up when I woke up at 4am. Like ok, lets do this.

we have been talking about vacation plans so we shall see where that goes. Not Beach vacation but just a vacation.

Sunday, June 7, 2020

June 7, 2020

So here we go, another update.
Since I last updated We have started baby sitting our friend's little girl again, which is absolutely WONDERFUL. She is a joy. She just turned 1 year old and I am so excited. She absolutely loves me, which makes me feel special and overhwhelmed at this same time because I dont handle constant attention very well I get exhausted, so I keep sneaking off to breath.
This is another sign that no, I would no be a good mother after all. Which we already knew, but just more fuel for the case, so to speak.

My car broke down and My dad fixed it up and its great now! I'm so excited!
And now I can drive myself to the dentist this next week. And maybe to birmingham for therapy when I start going back in person when the insurance stops covering the Covid-19 emergency telehealth stuff.

I realized last night that only ONE of my life, 5 prescriptions has a refill written out for it. so that is going to be hell when I need to get a refill. I'll have to call greyson and leave and message and explain the problem and hope they understand and will call the pharmacy and take care of it without making us jump through 15 hoops to get my medicine filled.

last night I got a wild hair and decided to paint my nails which is something i havent done in year or two, i was hoping itd help me feel more girls but i dont know if its working maybe it would have if i picked a girly color. and not black silver gray sparkles lol

I have been watching the movie Zootopia on repeat in the background because its a wholesome child level look at racism. and uh, its just a good damn movie.

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

May 26, 2020

so a lot has happened since I last updated.
Well, not really so much just a really big thing.
Save for my iron infusions and therapy and what not....

My Mawmaw died and we put her to rest yesterday. She had been sick for a long time and in a lot of pain... she lived a long life and died at home.
At the funeral I got to see a lot of my family that I had not seen in really long time and it was kind of great. Like really great.

This morning I got up at 5am and went to get my second iron infusion.

This makes the second round of times i've had to get iron. because they give you two or three infusions, a week apart.  i had it done last fall and now again.

I dunno where my iron is going but I need it to please stay in my body ok thanks.

My car broke down today, AFTER my appointment which is good. I mean, in the general scheme of things yeah, that's the best way that could have gone down. lol

My Mother-in-law sent me a super late birthday gift and it is ADORABLE and I love it.

my husband and I are watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together and it's pretty awesome. I never watched it before.

I'm still playing Animal Crossing New Horizons, I made a memorial for my mawmaw and my nana in the game. Cause you can basically design your own world in the game. you have your own island and do whatever you want.

So life is returning to normal apparently.
Lets see how it goes.