Jan 19, 2021

 LONG TIME NO POST!

I've been baby sitting again, and well.... it's great!

We called the dentist and got an appointment with the oral surgeon and then had to reschedule so I wont be getting my teeth worked on until Feb 2. This is after already having to wait almost three weeks from calling to make the first appointment. YEAH, it's been kind of crappy.

I've started a new save file in Stardew Valley. it's really relaxing, and there's some new content from updates.... though i dont think the very last update has rolled out for the switch yet. but the last one before that has.

Some of my ebay orders from the end of november are FINALLY rolling in, haha. The over seas shipping and christmas back up really got them slowed down.

There's something special that might happen and i can't talk about it, but if it does i will let everyone know. but until then my lips are sealed on anything and everything involving it.

sunday december 27, 2020

 So I made it through christmas, but it didn't feel like christmas at all.

I really miss my Pawpaw, and my nana... though she's been going a few years now.

My mom was very strong through christmas, she didn't seem to cry at all... I know I did, though.

I baked cookies and made chocolate covered pretzels. Mom's dressing was so good. And my green bean casserole was ate up.

The gifts I got from my husband were nerdy and revolve around Starwars and The Mandalorian.

My mother got my clothes and some swanky hot cocoa stuff in little metal tins so that is cool.

I feel blessed this christmas but I just... I miss my pawpaw... my mawmaw... my family. We didn't have a big family gathering like we usually do either. which makes it even worse.

We got to see the little one i baby sit on christmas day so that was a nice boost to my mood, she was adorable and it made me happy. But the amount of people in the house kind of made it harder to enjoy.

I wont see her again until january 4th.

I have to see a dentist soon because i am have a lot of pain in my mouth.

and my iron is low, and i need to get bloodwork done but i think the dentist is more important right now.

neither of these things can be done until january anyways, the end of december is no time to try and get anything done-- places are always closed. blah blah blah.

Friday December 18, 2020

 has it really been this long since i've updated???? ahhh

i've been so busy baby sitting i have barely noticed the time passing.

I am so exhausted lately! I think my iron is low again but i dont wanna make an appointment until the new year. my nails are breaking and peeling and i'm bruising and i just have no energy no matter what i do.

I got a new planner for the new year and it's smaller and I love it.

I am now collecting recipes and making a book of them to have for my own. I have two cookbooks printed in the 1980s and my moms collection and i'm getting some from pinterest and other places. It's my newest little project and it's exciting.

I had a really big emotional break down yesterday.... actually two of them. in one day. I'm trying really hard to not let the... my grandparents are dead thing get to me right now. but it's christmas and its the first one without pawpaw and my mawmaw.

I'm also having random bursts of "nana is dead" again even though its been two years.

my husband is doing his absolute best to make sure i have a good christmas and i feel blessed to have him in my life and i'm trying really hard to do the best i can. it's hard. it's really hard right now. but it will get easier after january... just get into the new year. surely it can't be worse than this one. because if it is... i don't even know what to do, honestly.

nov 28, 2020

 HAPPY LATE THANKSGIVING

one of my cousins from Louisiana is here with two friends and they have been hunting. I know they're gotten atleast three deer so far.

we smoked a boston butt and ribs for thanksgiving instead of the usual thanksgiving food

the food was great

my anxiety got the best of me the day before thanksgiving.

and on thanksgiving day i had a breakdown about my pawpaw being dead and then the next day i slept most of the day

today we went to walmart and got some food to make it through the weekend and most of next week hopefully, unless we just eat way too much lol

It's coming up on time to renew my domain for another year. it's been getting more expensive every year and I dont like it but i dont wanna give my domain up either.

Nov 19 2020

I have been so busy I haven't even stopped to think about blogging until yesterday.

I've been babysitting five, sometimes six days a week. And i'm not talking about a couple of hours in the afternoon-- Im talking 2pm to 8am shifts here. Thank god she sleeps through the night, that's all I can say right now. I wasn't even getting paid to do this until two weeks ago (might have been three, I can't remember)

Mostly because I am close friends with the parents and it kind of feels like asking for money from family for something I should do out of love, and it is out of love. Thats how it started, because I wanted to. I cared. To put a monetary value on it makes me feel dirty and rude, but it wasn't MY idea to get paid, if was their idea to pay me. So I'm accepting it, and trying to maybe start up something for myself. If I'm good at this, maybe I can babysit for other people since i'll have a reference. 

I'm getting paid via paypal, and after making a TON of online purchases and having money leftover-- I decided to get a paypal card so I can use my money like normal people in stores.

I've gotten my husband two christmas presents already, there's another thing I want to get him.

And I think I might have accidentally ordered something for my cousin, was supposed to be for me to replace something of mine, but I found mine and she seems so interested in it, so there you go.

As for how i'm doing, I have a few good days, than a few pretty bad ones. I'm in a rut currently, and despite being tired as hell--- I can't sleep tonight. which is why Im taking these quiet hours to blog as  quietly as i can. (i'm a loud typer)

My best friend from highschool (and her younger sister is my best friend too)-- their entire family has COVID-19 and I am freaking out because my friend is Type 1 Diabetic and has been in the hospital, is still i the hospital... and the other friend recently went into remission for cancer. Neither of them need this. Nobody needs it, but they really really dont. I'm having a hard time coping with it... because my pawpaw died from covid complications and it's just... it like, if it happens again i don't know what i will do. i literally dont know. i dont think i could live in a world like that, where people are just taken away like... i dont know.

I know death is part of the cycle of life, energy, the world, everything. And as much as I talk about that stuff and positive vibes blah blah blah---- death is one thing i cannot easily handle. I am having trouble making peace with it, like I know it happens. has to happen. but I'm still mad and feel like people are being stolen from me.

When I die I want to be turned into one of the organic tree growing pods that you plant in the ground, I want my body to pass back into the earth's energy cycle, the circle of life. I want the nutrients that my body decays into to nourish a tree. That's how I feel like it should be. Atleast for me. I can't speak for anybody else.

So with all this on my mind, I think about death a lot. What will happen? All this family land I will inherit? I have no children. where does it go? All these journals I am keeping, i wont have a child to get them in a cardboard box and read about my life. so other than for me to look back and remember what happened when i was young, they're useless. All these things I'm collecting-- random things like porcelain cats and crystals and sea shells.... I will have no one to appreciate or take some and think of me.

It's all seeming a bit useless lately, everything that isn't helping babysit this little girl, which I mean we are basically raising her as much as we baby sit her. I'm Auntie Tabs. But no, she won't be close enough to me to be curious about my life or want my things when I'm gone.

Now I'm getting dark and I dont wanna do that here.

I usually sleep through the night so chances for me to get down like this dont happen, but I just couldn't sleep tonight.

10.23.2020

 So I got new (prescription) stomach medicine and it seems to be working really well!!!! I had one scary moment yesterday were I think I had some gas build up in my stomach and it got hung in my hernia... this happens all the time but it felt different this time so I wasn't sure.. but I burped and it was ok.

We aren't baby sitting today and we didn't babysit last night and we wont on sunday. so we have a nice long weekend to ourselves. So we are going to cook and have movie marathons and such.

my husband is off work monday so we can even relax on sunday too.

We aren't sure if we want to keep my endoscopy appointment or cancel it, it might be a good idea to do it anyway just to keep an eye on my esophagus since I am more prone to all kinds of esophagus problems. 

But if my problem gets even better I dont know if its needed, it might just be a waste of money.

i'm still playing animal crossing new horizons.

also I've made friends with a girl who stream on twitch so that's pretty cool.

we are maybe going to carve a pumpkin for halloween this weekend.

I guess we should get some candy just incase some kids come up to the house. they usually dont but you never know. 

i'm running a little behind on sweeping the floor but the rest of the house is moderately ok.

i'm trying here, damn it

so much going onnn - oct 15, 2020

 So, ok.. Lets start with monday. 

on monday I had an appointment with the Gastroenterologist that i was seeing last year, and we apparent got the BOSS lady of nurse practitioners because this woman was on point. she was caring, attentive, and efficient. She looked over my past case, saw how severe my problems were and how we couldn't really figure out anything. She did the putting stuff together, the doctor just repeated what she said, honestly. She was that good.

So now I am on a new medicine for my stomach, but a side effect is it depletes vitamin B12 which i need to process Iron. So my anemia will probably come back. Also, the kinds of medicine i've been taking for my stomach might have been making my anemia worse all along. so there's that to think about.

Also if this stomach medicine doesn't work well enough, I will be having an endoscopy and then probably surgery. they would be wrapping my esophagus and removing my gallbladder. 

But that might not happen if this medicine works. we will give it about a month to see, I have an Endoscopy scheduled and i will cancel if the medicine seems to have worked.

on top of this stuff, me and my sister-in-law are baby sitting every week night from 2pm to 8am so its kind of exhausting. not much time to do anything. very little window of free time. however, its two of us watching the baby, we can let the other run errands if need be

so i dont know, life is happening i mean you can't stop it... even if you need a break

that's life.

here have an autumn tree