Nov 19 2020

I have been so busy I haven't even stopped to think about blogging until yesterday.

I've been babysitting five, sometimes six days a week. And i'm not talking about a couple of hours in the afternoon-- Im talking 2pm to 8am shifts here. Thank god she sleeps through the night, that's all I can say right now. I wasn't even getting paid to do this until two weeks ago (might have been three, I can't remember)

Mostly because I am close friends with the parents and it kind of feels like asking for money from family for something I should do out of love, and it is out of love. Thats how it started, because I wanted to. I cared. To put a monetary value on it makes me feel dirty and rude, but it wasn't MY idea to get paid, if was their idea to pay me. So I'm accepting it, and trying to maybe start up something for myself. If I'm good at this, maybe I can babysit for other people since i'll have a reference. 

I'm getting paid via paypal, and after making a TON of online purchases and having money leftover-- I decided to get a paypal card so I can use my money like normal people in stores.

I've gotten my husband two christmas presents already, there's another thing I want to get him.

And I think I might have accidentally ordered something for my cousin, was supposed to be for me to replace something of mine, but I found mine and she seems so interested in it, so there you go.

As for how i'm doing, I have a few good days, than a few pretty bad ones. I'm in a rut currently, and despite being tired as hell--- I can't sleep tonight. which is why Im taking these quiet hours to blog as  quietly as i can. (i'm a loud typer)

My best friend from highschool (and her younger sister is my best friend too)-- their entire family has COVID-19 and I am freaking out because my friend is Type 1 Diabetic and has been in the hospital, is still i the hospital... and the other friend recently went into remission for cancer. Neither of them need this. Nobody needs it, but they really really dont. I'm having a hard time coping with it... because my pawpaw died from covid complications and it's just... it like, if it happens again i don't know what i will do. i literally dont know. i dont think i could live in a world like that, where people are just taken away like... i dont know.

I know death is part of the cycle of life, energy, the world, everything. And as much as I talk about that stuff and positive vibes blah blah blah---- death is one thing i cannot easily handle. I am having trouble making peace with it, like I know it happens. has to happen. but I'm still mad and feel like people are being stolen from me.

When I die I want to be turned into one of the organic tree growing pods that you plant in the ground, I want my body to pass back into the earth's energy cycle, the circle of life. I want the nutrients that my body decays into to nourish a tree. That's how I feel like it should be. Atleast for me. I can't speak for anybody else.

So with all this on my mind, I think about death a lot. What will happen? All this family land I will inherit? I have no children. where does it go? All these journals I am keeping, i wont have a child to get them in a cardboard box and read about my life. so other than for me to look back and remember what happened when i was young, they're useless. All these things I'm collecting-- random things like porcelain cats and crystals and sea shells.... I will have no one to appreciate or take some and think of me.

It's all seeming a bit useless lately, everything that isn't helping babysit this little girl, which I mean we are basically raising her as much as we baby sit her. I'm Auntie Tabs. But no, she won't be close enough to me to be curious about my life or want my things when I'm gone.

Now I'm getting dark and I dont wanna do that here.

I usually sleep through the night so chances for me to get down like this dont happen, but I just couldn't sleep tonight.

10.23.2020

 So I got new (prescription) stomach medicine and it seems to be working really well!!!! I had one scary moment yesterday were I think I had some gas build up in my stomach and it got hung in my hernia... this happens all the time but it felt different this time so I wasn't sure.. but I burped and it was ok.

We aren't baby sitting today and we didn't babysit last night and we wont on sunday. so we have a nice long weekend to ourselves. So we are going to cook and have movie marathons and such.

my husband is off work monday so we can even relax on sunday too.

We aren't sure if we want to keep my endoscopy appointment or cancel it, it might be a good idea to do it anyway just to keep an eye on my esophagus since I am more prone to all kinds of esophagus problems. 

But if my problem gets even better I dont know if its needed, it might just be a waste of money.

i'm still playing animal crossing new horizons.

also I've made friends with a girl who stream on twitch so that's pretty cool.

we are maybe going to carve a pumpkin for halloween this weekend.

I guess we should get some candy just incase some kids come up to the house. they usually dont but you never know. 

i'm running a little behind on sweeping the floor but the rest of the house is moderately ok.

i'm trying here, damn it

so much going onnn - oct 15, 2020

 So, ok.. Lets start with monday. 

on monday I had an appointment with the Gastroenterologist that i was seeing last year, and we apparent got the BOSS lady of nurse practitioners because this woman was on point. she was caring, attentive, and efficient. She looked over my past case, saw how severe my problems were and how we couldn't really figure out anything. She did the putting stuff together, the doctor just repeated what she said, honestly. She was that good.

So now I am on a new medicine for my stomach, but a side effect is it depletes vitamin B12 which i need to process Iron. So my anemia will probably come back. Also, the kinds of medicine i've been taking for my stomach might have been making my anemia worse all along. so there's that to think about.

Also if this stomach medicine doesn't work well enough, I will be having an endoscopy and then probably surgery. they would be wrapping my esophagus and removing my gallbladder. 

But that might not happen if this medicine works. we will give it about a month to see, I have an Endoscopy scheduled and i will cancel if the medicine seems to have worked.

on top of this stuff, me and my sister-in-law are baby sitting every week night from 2pm to 8am so its kind of exhausting. not much time to do anything. very little window of free time. however, its two of us watching the baby, we can let the other run errands if need be

so i dont know, life is happening i mean you can't stop it... even if you need a break

that's life.

here have an autumn tree

Happy MEAN GIRLS DAY

 October 3rd is MeanGirls day, if yall didn't know.

My parents are here today, they worked on my brothers car and we all watched the alabama football game.

Earlier my husband and I ran errands, got groceries, etc. Ate mexican, I had the best quesadilla. Chicken mushroom and onion. SO GOOD.

My husband untangled a pumpkin garland that was tangled so now I have another halloween decoration to put up =)

YES I AM STILL MOURNING MY PAWPAW

but i'm trying not to talk about it.

thanks for reading. 

So I've been not.... blogging

 things have been really dark for me lately. I was already down and my pawpaw died from COVID-19 complications and it's just been a really insane rough time.

I've been cooking and baking. Lots of baking. trying to keep busy.

i dont really have much to say, my husband has been amazing and i love him. i've needed a lot of support and he has been there for me.

there's a lot going on that i can't talk about and i probably wont talk about, but it's a huge thing and very stressful.

but anyway, let think about other things like hey.. HALLOWEEN!!!!

Hello September

 I have nothing good to say about this month so far, my grandfather died. Complications involving covid-19.

I kind of am just mad at the world right now.

I haven't updated in a long time

 Its been quite a whirlwind set of events here.... with the juggling the baby sitting and then having to not baby sit because my parents are replacing the floors of the hours (hardwood floors) and there was a lot of water damage and unexpected set backs. 

though my uncle and cousin and a man from the church helped a lot... a LOTTTTT.

and while this is happening, my Pawpaw had been falling a lot and they ended up taking him to the emergency room and admitting him and then relocating him to another city because they have a specialist there. We were under the assumption that there also weren't enough beds open for him to go anywhere near here but that wasn't the case, so the entire thing was a huge fiasco and it gets even worse because they figured out what was wrong with him and got him on the mend and now he needed to go to rehab but his insurance didnt wanna pay, so that was another fight.

Also one of my teeth has broken off and will probably break off more if i eat hard foods so i have been changing what i eat. this whole thing with my teeth is a nightmare and we need to get something done but we dont have to money or the time. insurance wont pay for what actually needs to be done which is why its so frustrating.

my teeth are on the back burner of this cluster fuck of what is going on right now.

we have to build pawpaw and little cabin to live in out here near us, he can't live by himself, and he doesnt wanna go back to the house he was living in. 

so the floors need to get finished, a house needs to be built. we need to find a way to keep the baby until the floor is done and its safe here and then my tooth

and then theres the fact that my cat has decided to die

and nobody believe me they think i just let it run out of gas.

so there's that. i really have nothing positive to say i just figured i should update