So I've been not.... blogging

 things have been really dark for me lately. I was already down and my pawpaw died from COVID-19 complications and it's just been a really insane rough time.

I've been cooking and baking. Lots of baking. trying to keep busy.

i dont really have much to say, my husband has been amazing and i love him. i've needed a lot of support and he has been there for me.

there's a lot going on that i can't talk about and i probably wont talk about, but it's a huge thing and very stressful.

but anyway, let think about other things like hey.. HALLOWEEN!!!!

Hello September

 I have nothing good to say about this month so far, my grandfather died. Complications involving covid-19.

I kind of am just mad at the world right now.

I haven't updated in a long time

 Its been quite a whirlwind set of events here.... with the juggling the baby sitting and then having to not baby sit because my parents are replacing the floors of the hours (hardwood floors) and there was a lot of water damage and unexpected set backs. 

though my uncle and cousin and a man from the church helped a lot... a LOTTTTT.

and while this is happening, my Pawpaw had been falling a lot and they ended up taking him to the emergency room and admitting him and then relocating him to another city because they have a specialist there. We were under the assumption that there also weren't enough beds open for him to go anywhere near here but that wasn't the case, so the entire thing was a huge fiasco and it gets even worse because they figured out what was wrong with him and got him on the mend and now he needed to go to rehab but his insurance didnt wanna pay, so that was another fight.

Also one of my teeth has broken off and will probably break off more if i eat hard foods so i have been changing what i eat. this whole thing with my teeth is a nightmare and we need to get something done but we dont have to money or the time. insurance wont pay for what actually needs to be done which is why its so frustrating.

my teeth are on the back burner of this cluster fuck of what is going on right now.

we have to build pawpaw and little cabin to live in out here near us, he can't live by himself, and he doesnt wanna go back to the house he was living in. 

so the floors need to get finished, a house needs to be built. we need to find a way to keep the baby until the floor is done and its safe here and then my tooth

and then theres the fact that my cat has decided to die

and nobody believe me they think i just let it run out of gas.

so there's that. i really have nothing positive to say i just figured i should update

July 18, 2020 - Staycation

So due to Covid19 and other unforeseen things we have decided to take a vacation to... a hotel 30 mins from my house. haha

It's going to be cheaper because we wont be using gas to travel so far, so that should be a good thing, I think

Today is the first full day in the room and I am trying to relax.

I had been having a lot of trouble relaxing at home, I cant fully explain why. It just seemed like no matter what I did, no matter how much rest or sleep I got.... it wasn't enough.

So my husband is being a wonderful man and letting me stay in a hotel in town while he works during the week so it's not exactly a vacation for him, save for he doesn't have to drive 30 home and 30 mins to work every day. and we get privacy and a nice big king sized bed and can turn the AC as low as we want. haha

I hope he enjoys this, or I will feel bad for being so selfish and needing and wanting to do it.

here's some photos from the first night, hotel and food etc

our room

we had mexican for dinner

this is the inside of my delicious grilled chicken quesadilla with added mushrooms and onions. and a dollop of sour cream there at the top.

I hope to post again while we are on "vacation" I've got a lot of time in the hotelroom to relax. I'm probably going to take a nice long bath at some point. I just wish I brought a bath bomb or something haha

July 25, 2020 - Saturday

I haven't update because 1. I've been kind of depressed and 2. we've been baby sitting almost constantly.

but other than that my husband and I have been enjoying watching shows together and other such things that we do.

However, to get away from the house.... in lack of the ability to really take a vacation this year (thank you COViD-19) we are getting a hotel room in town for three night just to get away from the house for a few days. Start on monday of next week. So maybe I will have updates then. Hotels are fun and anonymous and nobody can bother you and you dont have to worry about anything and it just feels so good.

Here lately everything is baby this and baby that... the baby is literally all there is. We are the only baby sitter they have and we are being run ragged by this. But we love the little girl so much its hard to get upset, she is so precious. It's like.... AHHHHHH GRRRRR AHHHH. I have no idea what parents feel about this but it's gotta be even worse so its definitely good I am not a parent. I couldn't handle it at all. God bless the parents you are so strong.

So as for my depression, I am trying to half my ambien at night (which is ok, its on a CR so i can half if without messing up its release into my system) so I'm not so sleepy the next do, so maybe I can take my ativan for anxiety without falling asleep during the day. I'm walking a weird line between under medication and over medicated. I can't find the right place. I need relief on my sleep and I need relief with my anxiety but I dont need next day drowsyness because it messes with my anxiety medication a lot. so we have to figure out a way to work it out.
And the depression, right, so... i might have to call my psychiatrist and tell him I need a medication adjustment but I have no idea what he might adjust. and adjustments bother me because if he a new medication I have to wade through new side effects and i HATE THAT. HATE HATE HATE.
So I am just hoping I can manage the sleep and anxiety and it will somehow help the depression so I dont have to call the doctor about the depression because I dont see him for like two month unless something pops up.

So Anyways I am making packing lists and stuff for our "staycation" and its all fun and stuff, I am going to try and and enjoy this as much as a real vacation.

July 2, 2020 - Thursday

So today started like any other day and will probably end like any other day.

spoiler alert.

hahaha

anyways

since the last update I have.... Had to cancel an appointment for bloodwork because I felt sick. (post op infection or pain idk) need to reschedule sometime soon.

My husband and I have started a new show on Netflix that we are very into so we have netflix dinner dates when he gets off work, which is nice 💕

I'm still seeing my therapist via video chat, because our insurance keeps extending their coverage of that sort of thing due to covid-19. So I haven't had to drive myself to therapy yet and i kind of sort of want to just to see if i can do it. I love driving and I think I can do it, I wanna make everybody go "whoa she did it!"

We had a potential problem with the pharmacy that ended up being perfectly fine (as far as I know, I should probably call)

We have been baby sitting this past week and it was so much fun. 

I'm still playing AnimalCrossing everyday, that's not gonna change for a while.

Today I had one of the first random "hi i like that you support mental health awareness" chats i've ever had. so shout out to that person, they know who they are! ❤

June 23, 2020

So I had my second dentist appointment and the surgery. I am so thankful that my dentist is amazing, he was able to save two of my three teeth that they thought I might lose. So I only had one tooth cut out yesterday. I'm on an altered diet today and yesterday and probably tomorrow. My husband was wonderful and got me soft food I can eat easily. Because he loves me and he is amazing.

We have been baby sitting and the little girl we baby sit is growing so fast and she is so precious and adorable I can't get over how wonderful she is.

I'm doing a little bit better with my depression lately, but I'm still feeling the pull of it.

My dad had a dentist appointment the same day i did, and he got some not so good news about his tooth soh he basically had the opposite day i did.

I've been doing my nail lately and its helping me feel better about myself. it's amazing how the smallest little self care thing can change how you feel. I admit its hard to be patient and wait for my nails to dry because the way I do them makes it take forever, I coat my nails a million times with polish because I want it to be very thick and less likely to wear off. But the waiting time for it to dry is insane. I dont wanna get all new polish and get that instant dry stuff so I am using what I have. I prefer really sparkly nail polish because I love glitter. Last time I did my nail my husband picked a random color for me and it was green haha, I only have one green nail polish that I got my christmas themed nails, so I did that with a sparkly top coat.

I've been decorating my planner a lot lately and I forgot how many awesome stickers I have so YAY.

I also decorated my new journal with lots of washi tape so that is really fun for me.

I'm trying to do stuff to make me happier, and its all these little things like this.

The dentist and oral surgeon appointment thing was kind of annoying with all the Covid-19 procedures, but we have to do it or we can't go to the doctor.

My next therapy appointment is at the very end of this month so it will still be a telehealth video session. But after that I will be driving myself to therapy for the first time and I am excited and scared at the same time. It's a good thing so my husband doesn't have to take off work, but it's also scary because I have to drive out in a place I don't usually drive and also my car has been trying to break down a lot. But my dad serviced my car and I think it's going to be fine honestly. So I just need to worry about my driving ability.

I guess that's all I got to say now.

I'm gonna go play some animal crossing, it's almost 8am and that means the shop opens and I can sell all my fruit for the day. haha.