sept 28, 2022 ---wednesday

Last weekend my husband and I went to red lobster for a dinner date on saturday and that was lovely, i was able to find something on the menu that i felt ok eating.

on sunday we met his grandmother for her birthday at a restaurant, and since i'm in some sort of a relapse on my eating disorder it was a very tough time for me. this restaurant  didn't have their calories on the menu and the portion sizes were iffy but i managed to handle it... i wasn't very pleasant and i feel bad because i know i ruined his grandmothers birthday.  i love his grandmother and if it wasn't that we dont know how many more birthdays she will be around for... i would have probably skipped the gathering because of how i am lately because of food. but i didn't want to miss what could be the last time she has a little party on her birthday. and i'm sorry i was such a downer with my mood and irritability. the restaurant and noise and food was just a lot for me at that time.

i was much better on the day before, saturday. 

i think maybe it was that is was two days in a row.

this weekend we are meeting my husband's father for lunch on saturday so i have another hurdle i have to jump over... and then hopefully nothing else troubling until the holidays???

i have been cooking dinner every night for weeks now and i am so happy!

i really enjoy the meal planning on sunday and the organization of it all. it makes me feel useful and happy!

I ended up cancelling my endoscopy because of the bill they were going to send us. I am doing mostly ok with the medications I am taking right now so I just need to meet the Gastroenterologist to tell her what is happening and to get her to write refills of the medications she has prescribed me. i ended up re trying another over the counter medicine and it seems to be working with my new diet (i'm eating less and avoiding reflux aggravating foods) so i think i can manage on what i am taking now. if i have any new pain or anything i will let them know but i think i am ok. and not doing that endoscopy is going to save us a LOT of money. i cant even imagine spending that much money on a test to tell me when i know i already have just because i am at a new doctor. i dont know.

my husband has been dieting and is doing great and i am so proud of him!!! i hope he can keep it up, i will do my best to cheer him on if i can.

i have a lot of house cleaning to do on friday to make sure the apartment looks ok saturday.

the weather has been amazing here lately. nice and cool. a little breezy. i've been trying to go for walks every afternoon if i can. sometimes i see people who make me nervous and i end up coming back inside. but i've just been walking on the sidewalks around the apartment complex. for about 20 mins at a time. should go up to 30 mins but i just get really paranoid that people are watching me. and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

i've been having trouble falling asleep lately. i dont know what to do. i need better ear plugs or something maybe

thursday sept 8, 2022

 so the dieting is going ok. I've lost some weight and i haven't had many big binge days so far. i just hope i can keep it up.

this friday is my wedding anniversary. SIX YEARS!!! i have never been so happy. it's been a rough ride but it's been the best six years of my life and i am so excited for our future. on saturday we are going out to another bigger city and having a nice dinner somewhere and going to a book store or a mall or something. 

i'm supposed to not count calories on that day but i am going to have a really hard time not counting. like i will eat more than my diet meal plan. definitely. it's a special day. a very special day. but i will be counting the calories. plus the app we use to manage our dieting congratulates us when we have a streak of logging calories every day. haha. so its like... do i wanna lose my streak? no.

i feel like i'm not doing enough house work lately but... next week is the first week in months that i have ZERO appointments. so i will make a point to deep clean the house next week,

one thing that has really been bothering me is my dentist his a nerve in my tongue with the lidocaine needle to numb my mouth for filling cavities. and its stayed numb for over a week. it's still numb now.... BUT it's not as numb as it was before so it's getting better. i've looked it up and he told me also so i know that it must be true that the odds of permanent  damage as astronomical. like so very slim that i shouldn't even be worrying about it but i am a worrier.

plus one thing about me dieting is i really want my food to taste intense and... i can't taste things properly because my taste buds on the left side of my tongue aren't working properly. so i keep wanting to eat more to find something to satisfy my need to TASTE SOMETHING. it's incredibly frustrating. but i am managing. plus it getting better now. i just hope it doesn't stop. it needs to completely heal or i will definitely lose my mind.

i've been decorating my planner and journal and making art collages. I even made myself two bracelets.

I'm trying to stay busy as much as I can.

OH i got a library card finally and checked out a book. the library is small so i'm a little disappointed. but it's better than nothing. the book i got is a collection of shot stories by Neil Gaiman and i need to put some more effort into reading it. however it isn't due until october 4th so i have some time.

here's some photos from recently

my hair is like a magnificent lions main and i wanna cut it but i also dont wanna cut it. lol

i have predecorated my planner because i love it and need something to do. here is decembers monthly view

here is a week in november. i know my planner isn't a nice and neat as everyone elses but i dont care very much i do it for me. <3 

Wednesday August 24, 2022 -- HUMP DAYYYYY

 Not very much has changed. The world is still on fire lol

bought this for my husband to put on his desk at work. it's a candle from dollar tree (costs $3 or $5 can't remember. its their new higher quality stuff) we will trim the wick off the top so it looks like a normal skull

here is a collage of my art journal magazine collages haha. i was bored and needed something to do.

this was a few weeks ago but i felt pretty that day?

we are working on getting my car title in my husbands name.. and it tagged and everything here set up for good. buying a car across state lines while needing a new tag the same month is crazy. and they want so many notary things done. we are little having to take photos of documents and signing them and send them back and forth between my parents and us (my parents are selling us the car) and the court house says it will work so.... ok.... seem shady but if they say it'll work its fine i guess.

I'm doing pretty good with my mood and house work and my anxiety isnt that bad.

My husband and I are still dieting. I'm on a very slippery slope with my calorie counting and obsession. we shall see what happens with my eating disorder issues

It's gonna take a lot of work to keep myself eating enough but not too much or too little. have ed-nos (now know as atypical anorexia) is a very strange thing

i just bought new washi tape. and then i bought some more. the first batch was just for fun cause i thought they were adorable. the second stuff was for decorating my planner and journal for christmas and november. i will probably need more november sticks because i used almost all of the ones i bought.

i hope i can find some cheap halloween sticks for october. i already have my black cat washi in my planner and orange washi but i want some jack-o-lanterns and pumpkins to add to my fall leaves that i bought for november. the normal pumpkins can be used for october and november because of harvest and thanksgiving.

here's my november planner layout spread with the washi and autumn stickers

the christmas stuff and some fall stickers

and now that i have my photos backing up to google like i should have been and i've figured out how to use this properly... i can pull images from my phone photos google gallery and add them to my posts! 

here are my stickers and washi tape!!!!

i need more fall/halloween sticks. i went to hobby lobby and they dont do halloween because they're Christian owned *eye roll* but they have great stuff for thanksgiving and fall and harvest season stuff

I guess I am done with this entry. I had more to say than i thought I did when I started. lol

Thursday August 11, 2022

so the world is on fire but we are still living obviously.

I got my medication adjusted and i am doing better. 

my weight has gotten out of hand so i am dieting and trying to do it healthy and proper and not relapse on my eating disorder. its going to be hard. my husband is dieting with me to so maybe that will help. we both need to take better care of ourselves.

its hard to try and eat enough to be considered healthy and not too little to be a restrictive diet that could lead to me relapsing.

i've been playing a game and its been helpful to take up my time during the day. it's a very cute game but the game play isn't that great. i have a lot of complaints with it and i know now better what i want in a game so next time i purchase one i will go online and look at reviews to make sure the game is a right fit for me.

my husband and i bought tshirt that say "kentucky strong" on them and to proceeds go to help the flood victims. there was a horrible historical level flood event here recently and its absolutely devastating. the photos from the flood look like the photos after hurricane katrina's flood levy fail and flooded all the neighborhoods. it happened between midnight and dawn so it was all in the dark. basically if you didn't have a weather radio or your phone set for alert you didnt even know it was coming. it is such a horrible thing and it's just another things to add to the list of horrible things that have happened in the past few years.

I am trying to be better about the house work. 

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I've not been washing my face and doing my skin care routine but I have an app that I have set goals and reminders on so I hope that will help me remember to do these things. I paid for the full version of the app to unlock all the feature so I am making sure i use it to its fullest extent. Its basically a mood journal and habit tracker and goal tracker. it very neat and ive been using the free version daily for over almost 200 days and i've used it in the past for long streaks of time so i figured it might be a good investment for me if it's helping me keep motivated to do my daily things.

my parents are supposed to come up here and visit in the next month or so and i am excited. i haven't seen them since January and I miss my dad very very much.

I recently got some work done on my car and it was the first time i've done that because my dad has always been the only person to work on my cars so its was like.... do i trust this person with my baby? lol

 

sunday july 10, 2022 -- world is still hot mess

 world will continue to be hot mess

my body my choice

June 26, 2022 the world is a hot mess right now

 They have over turned Roe v. Wade. this country just took oh so many steps backward 

This ruling doesn't stop abortions from happen, it just stops them from happening safely. Women will die.

The thing that bothers me the most is that there are literally, apparently, tons of women... who do not respect themselves enough to let themselves choose what happens to their own bodies. like.... i can't even... wrap my head around that. they think so little of themselves that they dont even think they should have the right to choose what happens to their body. Because this is not about babies. This is not about saving babies. This is about controlling people. Controlling women. And it won't stop there, they'll attack Trans rights and Gay rights too. 

in other news this past week has been the week from hades

i had an appointment almost every day. or something was happening. on monday my husband was off work for Juneteenth. Tuesday we cooked dinner and watched stranger things. wednesday I had an appoint with my general practitioner to review my blood work. My iron is low and my vitamin d is low. I have been able to get vitamins d, but the iron supplements are not being filled by the pharmacy for some reason and i can only assume it something stupid because this insurance we have keep throwing up road block everytime i get a new prescription.

on thursday I had therapy with my psychologist at 9am and a dentist appoint at 2pm -- I thought i was just getting cavities filled but the talked to me and decided it would be faster and easier to pull the next tooth and then i could get the impressions for my partial to get made so i can look like a i have a normal smile again.

on friday i went to a new counseling service for some counseling on a very specific matter that i was not getting help for with my other therapists and what not. 

so many appointments! i opened a can of worms here and i dont like it. haha

i have restarted a stardew valley farm and it is very much making me happy right now.

Wed June 15, 2022

 So today I had an emergency dentist appointment to remove my tooth that was, by all means, going to have to come out anyway. but even after the antibiotic the pain didn't go away so it was time to pull it.

I havent had a tooth pulled while I was awake as long as I can remember! All my other teeth I had went to the surgeon and been put to sleep. This was quite an experience! Was not painful at all, though. And the lady was so cool and wonderful. She reminds me of a character on Greys Anatomy, haha.

So the experience was a long one, my tooth root was actually hooked at the end and made it quite difficult to pull out, but it eventually came. She showed me to tooth so I could see the root and why it was so difficult. The only feeling I had was pressure as she wiggled it loose gradually. 

I have to say it feel pretty good to have gotten a tooth thing taken care of WITHOUT being knocked out unconscious and having the rest of the day lost in sleep and nonsense because of anesthesia wearing off.

I am wide awake and I'm not hurting. I feel absolutely fine. And there is much less bleeding than when they cut out teeth. obviously because there's... not cutting when you just pull it, i guess.

I dropped my phone flat on its face on the kitchen tile and the screen is shattered. it's a spider web crack so it's... it usable but i dont know how long it will hold up. my husband and i have to decide if we want to get our own phone plan, which would make the most sense. but the process is more complicated that normal because of a few different things so we are having to wait and talk to some people before we can get anything done. All I hope is my phone keeps working until I get a new one because it's the only way I am getting calls and messages about my appointments. The doctors dont know how else to reach me and I have no other way of setting alarm reminders for my appointments either.

tonight is Obi-Wan Kenobi night. so my husband and i will be watching this weeks episode when he gets home from work. 

oh fridays we are watching on episode of the new Stranger Things at a time, so we dont blow through it all.