first book of 2023

Almost done with my first book of 2023. Have a lot of quotes to type up and add to my collection. Might not keep all of these but probably most of them.

I don't usually buy hardback books because I want to highlight my quotes and feel bad doing it in hardback books. But this was a special book. So I'm page marking, typing, then removing the markers. Might eventually buy a paperback and re read and mark up.

I have mixed feelings about marking up books but for me the books I read are usually study material for my existence. Like a textbook I buy but intend to keep and restudy. I collect books but it's for my personal weird pleasure. Not to show off to anyone.

However! I have bought quite a bit of quick easy paper back reads when I was on a reading binge but wasn't particular about what I read. Those I don't intend to keep. Usually don't mark up.

I guess If you're a bookworm you understand the levels and tiers of book reading and collecting and use and wants and needs lol

Everybody has their own thing they do

Unfortunately most of my books are unusable to anyone after I've had them. And I do feel bad about that in the long run because I know these books will greatly out live me. But the ones I mark up I feel like I have a relationship with.

However there are books I've read and re read many many times and are very much a park of my psyche (Orson Scott card stuff) and I have not marked up those because they are my dad's! I think I might have done one book a little and stopped because it felt down right sinful.

Idk if I will buy the cheap paper backs of those and mark them but I think I do want to read the ender's game and enders shadow stuff again. It's been so very long since I've read it. Highschool. Like a long long long time ago. before Orson Scott card got a movie deal finally done. (I was on a fan website and very much on top of knowledge on that getting done finally) 

Anyway really long post. This was originally a Facebook update.😂 idk why I blog anymore it just feels good. I usually get out the computer and physically type it which is great exercise to keep up.

That's another good reason to type out all these quotes. It's always gonna be good to be able to old school type.

And hand write stuff. Which I also do but my handwriting has gotten so very bad. I honestly need to probably do work on that too. Just to keep up ability.

happy new year! wednesday jan 4, 2023

 happy new year.

we are home and i have some personal new years goals. and some for me and my husband as a couple-- such as spending more time with his family.

i'm getting my clarinet fixed and i am going to join a community band. i missed sign up for the first spring concert but i should get my clarinet in time to do the second one if they take sign ups between concerts and not just at the start of semesters.

i am waiting until january 6th to take down my christmas decorations. i have bought a huge storage tub that i hope will hold the wreath and lights and ornaments an book shelf decorations. im throwing out the tinsel garland because its so cheap. i might store some of the gift bags and tissues paper in that same tub if i can manage it to keep it all together.

i have bought two out door decorations for valentines day but thats all for now.

i wanna decorate the top of the bookcase for every holiday and just the door and window outside for the holidays. christmas is the most extensive holiday i plan to do. also halloween. lol

stan got me a new book that i really wanted and i've started reading it. i dont wanna read it to fast because then it will be over.

i'm back on my "diet" i didn't gain much weight on the trip thankfully. but now that its over i seem to be stuck at this weight and im getting pretty upset. i will try lots of detox tea and do my daily miralax and stay on my meal plan but if it doesn't work i will have to change up something. either eat even less or fast or exercise a lot. i dont know yet

I saw my father in law and his wife. also my mother in law. both visits we were good and the visit with my MIL was so very just... down to earth and nice and a good time. i was in a good place mentally and it was so nice to share that part of myself with her because she doesn't get to see it that often.

my cat has been in love with my since we got back but we had a visitor monday and she brought her dog and that made her a bit unhappy in general. just more proof that we cant get another animal until she passes. and i feel bad because my husband wants a dog so very badly and i feel like its my fault he can't have one and it kind of is.

my dad has been sick since christmas and went back to the doctor a second time and tested positive for covid so i am keeping an eye on him. i told him he can't be trying to stick it out when he's stick anymore he needs to take is seriously if he doesn't get well and things last on after the initial meds from the doctor run out. i've told my mom the same thing. they have always put off going to the doctor and they just can't do that anymore. especially since i am not there. i can't handle it.

Some photos from the trip. Alabama Christmas 2022

This is my cousin (sister) who I can talk to about anything. ANYTHING. she is my person. Ride or die. Cradle to grave. ❤️

This photo is so very precious to me. This is my and Sky, the little girl I baby sat last year. I hadn't seen her in a year. She barely remembered me but she has such a big heart I was no stranger to her at all. I helped her eat her lunch at the restaurant and we talked about stuff. She asked me questions and I answered her. And she'd repeat it back to show she got it right and it was so cute. This photo was taken in the living room of our friends house (their newest baby sitting on the floor playing) I was showing sky the books my MIL bought for her (because she knew how much sky meant to me) and I showed sky the books and she...

 She has caught up so well with her learning. She was telling ME what was happening in the pictures in the book. In very excited ways that just made my heart sing. She is starting to grasp words as in reading but I don't think they've made it there quite yet. But she has a vocabulary and can talk and tell you things she is thinking and she asks so many questions... It's so precious. I just... I am almost crying typing this thinking about how much she grew in a year and how amazing it was to see her thriving.

me on the last day of the trip... At IHOP for my "last meal" as I have come to call it. 

We have trouble getting photos of Scarlett, she is mom and dads special needs deaf dog. She is just a quirky and adorable as ever. Always getting in to things she shouldn't be... Typical rascal dog behavior lol

Marleigh! My husband was most excited to see this big floof. She is so sweet and has these sad eyes that you can't say no to.

Aiden Hyde .... He is doing so much better than I thought he would after we left. He's actually changed a lot in good ways. Maybe my little miss Lilly was intimidating him too much to let his inner personality show but dad and mom adore him now.

I post this solely because you can see my dad in his natural habitat. Cowboy boots and all 😂🥰

dad (behind the walker) and family

The hand crafted one of a kind lamp my dad made for my husband from a bourbon bottle. My dad is awesome not gonna lie. Better pics will be posted elsewhere.

Me in the elevator of the hotel we stayed in. If I look closely at this picture I THKNK I can see two gray hairs!!! Lolol that would catch me up with my two cousins (three of us bor that one year. Both of them have tons of gray hair already and I'm just over here like 🤷🤷🤷Idk y'all?)

Me in the hotel room mirror. Idk why but hotel mirror pics will always be a thing for me

this is a out HALF of what we packed for the trip lol. Not counting gifts and Stan's suitcase and some bags of assorted things.

Alabama Christmas vacation part one

Alabama Christmas 2022

Monday night

Ok I planned on making more mini updates on my phone and clumping them together and making a big update after we got back from Alabama. But I didn't write anything for Saturday or Sunday… so I will do that now.

Saturday was the drive down and it was pretty good. We went a different way then we'll usually go and it took us through the very top edge of Georgia. The drive was so much easier that I think I will be able to drive myself back home to visit my family. So basically just don't drive through Nashville y'all. Just don't do it. Lol. 

Sunday was the Reynolds tribe family Christmas and it was pretty much the same. Lots of chaos and people and food and jokes and people drinking beer on the not so down low. 

I got to see my cousin who is basically my sister and I needed that so badly. I didn't spend as much time with her as I could have but! I am seeing her on Tuesday. So she gets a special visit from me.

I saw my aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins. And it's just a LOT OF PEOPLE.

I kind of kept to myself at the gathering and I think it was because I was subconsciously trying to protect myself from the anxiety I'd have if I just threw myself into the center of the attention and chaos. Like I had a self preservation type thing. Which is good. It's like my brain is setting boundaries for my own safety? And I didn't feel pressed to interact more … maybe because I have work on therapy stuff or my anxiety medication helped me calm down. So I could just sit and take it in and not be… idk.

I feel like I kind of half assed my family Christmas. Like I didn't talk to anyone as much as I wanted to? I should have talked to people more?  But they didn't make a huge effort to talk to me either. And they know I have anxiety so maybe it was them try to be nice to me but I actually wanted to interact more and didn't have the capacity to tell them. I was just… there.

Anyway..

Now it's Monday night.

I slept in late this morning and I am mad about it because I didn't mean to and that kinda set the tone for the whole day.

But anyway… we got dressed and got good went to the grocery store for stuff to cook at mom and dads. Because I wanted to have a home cooked meal ready for them when they got home from work. Because mom doesn't do that anymore she is working herself. 

So we did the shopping. Went by the storage unit to measure the desk and book shelves and some stuff because we need to move it all up to Kentucky this coming year. Sooner rather than later. We are going to have to get another storage unit in KY because we have too much stuff for our apartment. Especially if we wanted to make the second bedroom livable. Right now it is basically a storage closet.

Ah anyway we get to my parents house and we see the dogs and my husband just… goes nuts with happiness. He loves dogs and loves marleigh so much (she's my parents husky mix) and there were lots of cuddles and pets and scratches given to the marleigh. We also got to see Scarlett.. she is deaf. Special needs dog and she is just as quirky and random as ever.

I got to see my oldest cat Aiden Hyde… he is a senior kitty. He's 15 years old.

My Miss Lilly is 10 years old.

Anyway

We chilled and played with the doggos until it was time to start cooking dinner. 

My husband is so so so very good at what he does. He fried chicken and it was so good!

It was nice to be able to dry food and the smoke alarm not go off every five mins like it does at our apartment lol

We had dinner done for mom and dad (more or less) and mom got home before dad so she helped us fix a little extra food for my brother's girlfriends son. It was pretty complicated so MANY things being cooked in the kitchen at the same time. But we managed it.

My husband was a saint about this dinner with my parents brother. I am Grateful he was willing to cook for them. I know how hard it is sometimes. And I appreciate it very much. It meant a lot.

We did our gift exchange.

Mom and dad got their his and her blankets cause they talked about not having blankets to cuddle up on the recliners in the living room. Mom and dad got me some AMAZING journals and notebooks and stuff and I am so excited to use them. I want to use them for something special. I think I might start up a dream journal. Just write down my dreams every morning.

My dad made my husband the most amazing unique hand crafted lamp… out of a bourbon bottle. I will have to attach pictures of it to this blog post. later

Unfortunately we are being up more stuff that we left down here because mom is pushy about getting the house cleaned out. So we are working on getting a new storage unit in KY and having one here to put the stuff from the second bedroom and the Alabama unit.. and then We can actually decorate and use the second bedroom instead of it just being full of boxes. Which would make it so much easier to have friends come over and stay the night. Or anything really.

Today is now Tuesday December 20, 2022

And we are laying around until my husband has to do fucking WORK ON HIS VACATION. BECAUSE THE RADIO STATION IS INCOMPETENT AND ITS GONNA CHANGE. SYARTED IN JANUARY. NEW NYEAR NEW RULES. That's the plan anyway.

After he does his work in Alabama on the road on vacation in a hotel we will be going to see my cousin which is probly the best part of the trip ngl.

I'm gonna post this. I'm surprised I even got one half of the blogging done already. I have a lot more to say obvioisly but this is a good start.

Monday December 12, 2022

Ok guys I am having what I can only describe as a slow burn panic attacks. It's going. And it's been going for a few days. It gets a little worse sometimes (like yesterday afternoon) this morning I'm having a hard time. I guess it could be assorted anxiety attacks but it feels like it's rolling up to something huge.

I'm having to literally ration my anxiety medication because this new doctor does not approve of prescribing it for long term management of anxiety. I don't know what she thinks I am doing with this medicine. I take it sparingly. I'm not taking it every day just when I have attacks. I didn't get to talk to her long she literally got dropped all of my previous doctors patients into her lap like days before the appointments. I didnt even try to get her to talk extensively with me I only had a 15 min appointment. I don't talk to her until January. I don't know how to go about asking about my medicine without sounding like someone who is abusing the damn stuff because that's what they're assuming everyone is doing. So I haven't called the damn people about it I will just wait and see what the duck happens.

Basically I dont know how much longer I will even have anxiety medication and I might be looking for another doctor which will cause a gap in my medicine anyway. And doctor hunting for anxiety medication just.looks.like.bad news to Amy doctor I might even be trying to see. So I've GOT THAT GOING FOE ME NEXT YEAR.

ALSO BECAUSE CAR DECIDED TO BREAK DOWN COMPLETELY I AM UNABLE TO GET MY CLARINET INTO THE SHOP TO GET IT FIXED (NOT ENOUGH MONEY) WHICH WAS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING I HAD TO LOOK FORWARD TO NEXT YEAR. JOINING A BAND. SO FUCK THAT TOO.

I am running around in circles trying to pack and clean and keep house and I have four different to do lists and two packing lists. And now I have what seem like it might be  migraine or close enough to one to shut me down for most of the day.

On top of everything is my eating disorder literally ruining every fucking day of my life for weeks now.

My period showed up FIVE DAYS LATE. I AM BLOATED. I CANNOT POOP. I ATE TOO MUCH FOR A FEW DYAS BECAUSE OF MY PERIOD COMING AND CRAVINGS AND NEEDING TO APPEAR NORMAL AND NON DISORDERED IN FRONT OF FAMILY NOW I AM LITERALLY FIVE LBS MORE THAN I WAS LAST WEDNESDAY.

LONG STORY SHORT I AM NOT OK AND I HAVE NO TIME IN WHICH TO GET OK BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR OUR TRIP. AND AFTER OUR TRIP IS MORE "UN-OKAYNESS"

if I make it past Christmas without a SERIOUS mental break down I will be in shock because I haven't felt this unhinged in literally years.

wednesday november 30, 2022

 i havent been updating because not much has been happening other than me trying to lose weight and find purpose in my life.

decorating for the holidays has come in handy but after thats over i will need something else to fill the void and we are trying to get my clarinet fixed so i can join a community band in the new year.

my car needed a lot of maintenance just now so that really bothered me because i have a weird anxiety about not having freedom to go places even though it makes me anxious to go to NEW places, i can handle the places i have been to before and have become comfortable with which is as always will be hobby lobby, dollar tree, and walmart. so that is the extent of my adventuring for now.

if i get into a community band i will have to drive to rehearsals and what not so that will be a thing.

the whole telehealth thing because of covid is really great and all but it makes people like me isolate even more when we have nothing to go out into the world for. like its kind of sick and twisted. the theleheatlth is thriving on us right now like...a parasite?

anyways i havent slept much the past two days and i feel really speedy and i think i might be hypo manic. i need to slow down and sleep and im gonna have to take a lot of OTC sleep medicine for that because it doesnt acutally as well as the prescription i was getting with my old doctor and the new one wont let me have it because i was on anxiety medication and now.. the NEW doctor that replaced that one told me that she doesn't even prescribe anxiety medication like that and like wtf. i have to find a new doctor probably and it was so hard to find the one i had in the first place and i just NEED A LITTLE HELP from someone to get this all straightened out before i run out of anxiety medication refills altogether????

i am excited to be going back to alabama in mid december and i hope the trip goes well but i am so anxious about food and driving and social stuff and i dont have enough medicine for the anxiety probably so i can't take it in the mean time to try and have some in december and just

ITS A LOT AND I AM TRYING MY BEST

Sat november 5, 2022

 So today is a binge day. cheat day. whatever you wanna call it day. i am eating so much and i know i will regret it tomorrow and for days.

my husband and i are having an off day today. our plans didn't work out because I didn't feel like it and then he didn't either and now we are just at home. 

I feel like i ruined his day but he says its not me. D=

idk

i'm counting down the days until i go see my parents and my family. 

i decorated the apartment and the patio for harvest/thanksgiving/november and i've start getting small christmas decorations but i dont wanna get a bunch of stuff for the tree until i know exactly how big or small it is and we are getting it from my mother in law so we dont know yet. it's something she has and is giving to us.

i'm not sure if i wanna do a theme for the tree. they have sets of decorations that are all... pink. or purple. or red and green. or gold and blue. all different options. but i really feel like i just wanna get what ever ornaments feel cute to me at the time. a mixture of stuff. maybe get a special ornament for Lilly and like... a hello kitty one. or a baby yoda one. i had some ornaments from when i did a small tree in my bedroom in my mid 20s but they're lost or something. i had a white glittery owl and a hello kitty one and i bought one of those "baby's first christmas" customizable ornaments the first christmas we had Lilly. really wish i could find that one the most. i got it when i was dating someone else but its still special because she was my baby then and shes still my baby now.

other random sometimes stupid ornaments. i can't even remember them. 

i keep forgetting that there's a fake tree that was nana's at my brothers house and the cardboard had been covered in cat piss so... idk if the tree smells horrible or not. if it doesn't i'd like to salvage the tree and get another container for it. just because it was nana's. 

i bought to strands of christmast lights. they say they're 19 feet long a piece so lol.. that should be plenty for a smaller sized tree and also for outside decorations on the patio, however i didn't check to see if the lights are safe for outdoor use so ugh. i might just have to indoor strands and tack the second strand to the walls of the livingroom in a design. maybe make the outline of a tree on the dining room wall area or something.

if i had a good ladder i would line the wall where the wall meets the ceiling in some part of the livingroom. hell maybe even the bedroom because i love christmas lights as nightlights. i hate sleeping in the dark.