this December

This December I am going to focus on myself and my health. As much as I can. 

I have Beau to take care of and the house work. And my husband of course.

I have been decorator Christmas but I haven't done the tree or the lights outside yet. I'm waiting for December first.

My PTSD has been bothering me a lot here lately and it's affecting my relationship with my husband. I don't know what to do about it. My therapist wanted me to do a trauma narrative and I just don't even see how that would help at all. Reliving it in detail. Saying it all out loud. I just don't see how that will make my hyper viligance any less acute.

Beau is keeping my grounded in reality because I need to keep an eye on him all the time.

Lilly doesn't spend much time with me anymore and it breaks my heart. She is very mean to Beau and that is making me sad too.

My health is not much better. If I have any energy at all it's because I'm eating vitamin c drops like candy. That helps the iron be absorbed. I am still just playing a waiting game on my health. 

Next year I plan to do art festivals and I need to make stuff to sell. The sooner the better. I need a sewing machine badly. I hope I have the skills I think I do. I remember using one and being ok with it. So I hope I can do what I plan to do. My Pinterest is full of ideas.

Here are some pics

I haven't been blogging very much lately

I have previously waited and gotten my laptop out to make blog post but it think this will be easier don't on a cell phone.

We took Beau to Stan's dad's for Thanksgiving and he did ok. It was his first gathering and he got so excited that he couldn't just..... He wanted to meet all the people. And the people where busy doing thanksgiving. He ended up in his kennel or in a room barred of with a baby gate  bless his heart. He did a good job. He was a good boy.

He didn't do anything wrong. He was just a good boy. Such a good boy.

Tomorrow we are taking him to Stan's, moms she want to eat out and we will be leaving Beau at her apartment  alone with her dog Little Bear so they can meet and hopefully things will go well. He wore his cute new jacket and a bandana.

He looks wery handsome.

 

Here is me and Beau

We had a good time at Thanksgiving with Stan's dad and Sandy.  I got to meet people I that I had never met before  I had a lot in common with Sandy's sister she and I might talk more in the future. I don't know though it's a sensitive topic and it might be best to just let that go.

Since we are seeing Stan's mom tomorrow I  baked brownies for her. She loves my Brownies.  so I have made some for her.

 And she wants to have Chinese for lunch on that day. We will be picking his grandma on the way.to see his mother 

Just another picture. Little blurry lol

I'm still alive!

 I am trudging along.

Beau is a good dog and I am so happy we were lucky enough to find him and make him our little one.

Lilly is not taking to it very well. I think she is more grumpy now than she was when we first got him. I'm not really sure what to do. I think she needs more space where he can't get to her but that would involve her going into the spare bedroom which... will be occupied soon I think so that isn't really an option.

We were going to take Beau to a fall festival today but we gave him a bath and flea treatment and I didn't even think about the fact that the flea treatment would be on his furr so... the kiddos at the festival would get the chemicals on them and.... well that was just not a good idea obviously.

I am 80% done with Marc Whitt's book "When In Doubt, Make Applesauce!" and it's supposed to be for PR professionals but it's really just a good book fully of good character building ideas and morals. Which, I would expect no less from Marc. I am enjoying reading it far more than I expected. I don't think he planned on me reading it and enjoying it either. He should write motivational books, he has a knack for it.

On tuesday I finally see the Hematologist. I am anxious to get my iron levels back up and see if I can feel like a real person again. I have my medicine list and I'm taking my medicine with me.

Speaking of medicine, my doctor hasn't called in my trazadone prescription despite me submitting my refill request so I don't even have my trazadone which is for my sleep and depression. I am really pissed off but I can't really do anything about it. I sent a message to them about it but it's the weekend and my doctor doesn't work on Monday so it will be atleast tuesday before anything even gets done.

Also the pharmacy cannot get my ativan because there is a medicine shortage and so i have very little ativan. I could call other pharmacies but it's complicated. I might end up doing it but I'd rather not. It's been over half a month. Well they ran out almost a month ago after they filled half a month for me but that was the last of what they had.

I should be asleep right now but hahaha fat chance.

It's 4:30 am now so i don't even think I will sleep at all.

Here are some photos

I haven't updated in forever!

 and i've been very busy actually for once. We adopted a shih-tzu yorkie mix (shorkie?)

and he is... the best thing that has happened to us in a long time.

He is so well tempered he is adorable. And he is learning to leave Lilly alone.

we have been using a squirt water gun to get him to stop chasing after her and its working great.

i have a band concert this sunday and i am playing much better than i was. i feel more confident but there is this part in one piece that is very exposed and we are playing English Horn cues (there aren't any english horn players obviously) and it's very.. you have to count for ages and jump in and the rest and jump back in again and its very.. hard for me. i'm not getting the timing right. and we dont rehearse enough to sit down and hash it out so it's just gonna be up in the air and hope for the best. my friend who plays clarinet with me, that i've been meeting on mondays to practice. she had sinus surgery and couldn't come to the last rehearsal and she hopes to get cleared for the concert but my expectations are not very high on that.

I wont be able to play in the december concert because i will be in alabama when they have the concert so... this is the last one of the year for me. and i will see them in january.

my plan is to practice out of the Klose book and get really good and surprise everyone next year, i know I can play better than I am and if i keep practicing i will get there.

enough of this lets see some pictures of the little dog we adopted, his name is Beau (french for boy)

it is basically the name he had been going by so that makes it easier for him.

we got him from an elderly couple that couldn't look after him properly. they were very nice and gave us all his things. he is a good boy and doesn't do anything horrible. doesn't chew on anything.  we have been working on the house training potty situation and its getting better.

In december i am going back home to see my family the weekend before christmas and we are staying with my parents and they are excited to meet Beau

now i will photo dump pictures of the little man.

these pictures are after we took him to the groomer. his hair was very long before that. it was adorable but he had matted hair so we got him cut shorter. 

i know there is probably a lot more i should update about but i just don't really want to take attention away from the dog too much... he has been a blessing on keeping me grounded in reality.

It's done

 we went back to Alabama and got the rest of our stuff. we officially live in Kentucky now. haha

I feel so good about having all my weird stuff I collected. I'm going through it all and tossing stuff and donating and selling what I don't need. a lot of stuff had been in storage for years so... i wasn't missing it too much obviously.

we have ended up with duplicates of stuff because we moved and didn't bring it and had to buy so that's happening

i am so very grateful to my father in law for helping us do this huge feat. he went above and beyond for us and it means the world to me and my husband.

this sunday i FINALLY get to go back to band rehearsal. it's been SO VERY LONG. i feel an emptiness where music should be and i've been filling that emptiness with shopping. i've bought so much halloween decorations. and honestly i plan to buy more to make our patio really decorated.

also I want to do an Ofrenda this year for my grand parents and i need to print off a photo of mawmaw. mom sent me  picture of the picture and its not very good but it will have to do. I already have picture of nana and pawpaw together. I will need to buy food for them and stuff they like because that's what you do for an ofrenda. I am excited to honor my grandparents i love them so much. I keep thinking about Mawmaw and all her arts and crafts and I wish I could do half the stuff she did. I just tried embroidery and made a mess out of it. I am gonna have to buy a beginners thing that tells you what to do properly. this had literally no instructions

i decorated a fake tree for halloween but i haven't put it out side and i wont until october

i am going to see if google photos synced  so i can post a picture of my stupid little tree lol

oh yay it all saved online. so this is what i have decorated so far. i am going to tweak the stuff that isnt symmetrical enough for me because its bothering me lol

i need more stuff for the top of the bookcase and outside. but that's all. and theres plenty of time to get it. there's no rush. i am just so excited about being able to decorate. i always wanted to but we lived in the woods back home growing up and nobody would even see it we lived so far back from the road.

my wedding anniversary is upon us and we are going out to eat but not on that day because my husbands work has him working a fund drive and i dont wanna make him take me out to eat after working. just seems means. i dont care when we go.... so i told him to wait until a better time. maybe next weekend

its been wayyyy too long!

 So life has been trudging along. i'm still struggling with diabetes. can't get my blood sugar stable right now. i thought it was good and then i dont know what happened but i've been struggling for about two weeks now.

tomorrow my husband and i are going to my father in law's house to stay over night and leaving from there to go back home to get the rest of our stuff from alabama. we are going on a very fast trip. not time to visit anyone. just seeing my parents and my brother basically.

i am anxious as hell about this trip but feel better because my father in law is driving us down there and will be a huge help. 

i haven't seen my parents since december so that will be nice

i have to do some serious work in therapy soon and i am no gonna be ready with it by my next therapy session and i have to email my therapist and tell her it will have to wait until another time. but i can definitely use the next session to unload all the details of the trip to alabama because i am sure there will be a lot of feelings about it.

getting my stuff and moving all of it here seems so final. and i hate it. i have family land i am inheriting in alabama and i have to go back there for that. i will not die without living on that land again. i will be there again. i feel like scarlett in gone with the wind about tara. its part of me.

my husband and i are toying with getting a dog but arent sure we will because of other plans. its too private and complicated to talk about so i wont even try.

it's been awhileeeee

 so i have... so much to say that i dont even know WHAT to say. I know no one is reading this but I am going to update anyway.

my health is slightly better but i am still struggling. we are coming to a point where we are last ditch efforting my iron deficiency anemia. after this last thing, we will have to start the process of getting expensive tests done. however i, SOMEHOW... VERY UNLIKE ME... have *faith* that this last thing will work.

which brings me to the next thing.

faith.

i seem to have... rediscovered mine? i am... not sure exactly what has changed. nothing really has. or maybe so much has i can't pinpoint it. But my life... I am just so happy. I want for nothing. I am so blessed.

I have made TWO friends. IN REAL LIFE. I .... hahaha.. don't do that. I literally dont. so... i am... i feel so much.. joy. I have made an actual friend who i can hang out with and not feel weird. I dont feel anxious or judged. I am ... I feel so fortunate to have found this person among all the people i could have met. She is a great person and I hope we can stay friends for a really long time. and the only reason we met is because of her dog!!! haha

she has a huuuuge dog. that is SO happy and excited to see new people that is scares everyone. but i was NOT scared of that big baby. and so we kept running into each other while she was walking her dog here (we live close by) and we just kept talking more and more and i think she is happy to have a friend too. The fact that i love her dog and didn't run meant a lot to her. i can tell.. because let me tell you... her dog is a HANDFUL. but i have been through that with my dad's dog Scarlet. just a big hyper baby that wants love!

also I am still playing clarinet! i am having to skip this next set of rehearsals and concert because of a travel issue but i have been meeting a friend from band to play clarinet together on mondays and.... she is amazing and i love her and... she has me meeting her at her church to practice because its convenient for both of us. can't practice at my apartment my neighbors will have a fit. lol and she is driving in from another city to meet me because she goes to church here and is here anyway. so i have been talking to her about my life and everything and i feel... a huge amount of blessed and i don't know. 

what i am trying to say is i am thinking about going to church with her. and if its not the right church for me, she understands, because i've told her about my past with the church i was raised in and also some of my beliefs and she is basically just happy if i go to church at all. she told me she would pray for me over a month ago when we first started hanging out and... well.. honestly. i think it might have worked because my life is significantly better than is has been.

there are a ton of other good things that are small but all of this is snow balling into... a great... NEED.. a feeling of being called into going back to church. i am grateful. i am blessed. and i just feel like its the right thing to do.

so anyway

haha

my husband and i are going back to get the rest of our stuff from where we lived before and i will get to see my parents... very briefly. for like one day. but its better than nothing and i am so excited. sad i wont get to see them more but so happy i am going to see them atleast one time this year other than Christmas. last year i saw them only once that december. my heart was so heavy with missing them that i binge ate myself into diabetes basically. which is one of my health problems i am now struggling with. its better. but i am still diabetic and i will be for a while unless i get things better. i lost a ton of weight but i need to lose more. its going to be a struggle but if i keep going like i'm going i'm too busy to eat! and i want to get a job too. so that is even more activity. I am unsure where i want to work but I am narrowing it down to a few places. i am going to wait until after i get back from alabama and get my band schedule for the rest of the year written down in my planner. and then i will apply and tell them when i will be busy. if they wont let me off for my performances though... i will... that will be a deal breaker for me. i can miss a rehearsal now and then. hopefully not. like i dont plan on it, but if i absolutely had to... i would.

i dont know i am filling up my week with stuff to do and getting a job would change that also.

so now i dont know actually. i mean would love to have the money and love to have that purpose in my life. but also... if i can't do the things i am doing now, i wont be happy either.

so i have a decision to make. its not an urgent decision but it needs to be made in the next month or two?

anyways i am about to wrap this up.