It's done

 we went back to Alabama and got the rest of our stuff. we officially live in Kentucky now. haha

I feel so good about having all my weird stuff I collected. I'm going through it all and tossing stuff and donating and selling what I don't need. a lot of stuff had been in storage for years so... i wasn't missing it too much obviously.

we have ended up with duplicates of stuff because we moved and didn't bring it and had to buy so that's happening

i am so very grateful to my father in law for helping us do this huge feat. he went above and beyond for us and it means the world to me and my husband.

this sunday i FINALLY get to go back to band rehearsal. it's been SO VERY LONG. i feel an emptiness where music should be and i've been filling that emptiness with shopping. i've bought so much halloween decorations. and honestly i plan to buy more to make our patio really decorated.

also I want to do an Ofrenda this year for my grand parents and i need to print off a photo of mawmaw. mom sent me  picture of the picture and its not very good but it will have to do. I already have picture of nana and pawpaw together. I will need to buy food for them and stuff they like because that's what you do for an ofrenda. I am excited to honor my grandparents i love them so much. I keep thinking about Mawmaw and all her arts and crafts and I wish I could do half the stuff she did. I just tried embroidery and made a mess out of it. I am gonna have to buy a beginners thing that tells you what to do properly. this had literally no instructions

i decorated a fake tree for halloween but i haven't put it out side and i wont until october

i am going to see if google photos synced  so i can post a picture of my stupid little tree lol

oh yay it all saved online. so this is what i have decorated so far. i am going to tweak the stuff that isnt symmetrical enough for me because its bothering me lol

i need more stuff for the top of the bookcase and outside. but that's all. and theres plenty of time to get it. there's no rush. i am just so excited about being able to decorate. i always wanted to but we lived in the woods back home growing up and nobody would even see it we lived so far back from the road.

my wedding anniversary is upon us and we are going out to eat but not on that day because my husbands work has him working a fund drive and i dont wanna make him take me out to eat after working. just seems means. i dont care when we go.... so i told him to wait until a better time. maybe next weekend

its been wayyyy too long!

 So life has been trudging along. i'm still struggling with diabetes. can't get my blood sugar stable right now. i thought it was good and then i dont know what happened but i've been struggling for about two weeks now.

tomorrow my husband and i are going to my father in law's house to stay over night and leaving from there to go back home to get the rest of our stuff from alabama. we are going on a very fast trip. not time to visit anyone. just seeing my parents and my brother basically.

i am anxious as hell about this trip but feel better because my father in law is driving us down there and will be a huge help. 

i haven't seen my parents since december so that will be nice

i have to do some serious work in therapy soon and i am no gonna be ready with it by my next therapy session and i have to email my therapist and tell her it will have to wait until another time. but i can definitely use the next session to unload all the details of the trip to alabama because i am sure there will be a lot of feelings about it.

getting my stuff and moving all of it here seems so final. and i hate it. i have family land i am inheriting in alabama and i have to go back there for that. i will not die without living on that land again. i will be there again. i feel like scarlett in gone with the wind about tara. its part of me.

my husband and i are toying with getting a dog but arent sure we will because of other plans. its too private and complicated to talk about so i wont even try.

it's been awhileeeee

 so i have... so much to say that i dont even know WHAT to say. I know no one is reading this but I am going to update anyway.

my health is slightly better but i am still struggling. we are coming to a point where we are last ditch efforting my iron deficiency anemia. after this last thing, we will have to start the process of getting expensive tests done. however i, SOMEHOW... VERY UNLIKE ME... have *faith* that this last thing will work.

which brings me to the next thing.

faith.

i seem to have... rediscovered mine? i am... not sure exactly what has changed. nothing really has. or maybe so much has i can't pinpoint it. But my life... I am just so happy. I want for nothing. I am so blessed.

I have made TWO friends. IN REAL LIFE. I .... hahaha.. don't do that. I literally dont. so... i am... i feel so much.. joy. I have made an actual friend who i can hang out with and not feel weird. I dont feel anxious or judged. I am ... I feel so fortunate to have found this person among all the people i could have met. She is a great person and I hope we can stay friends for a really long time. and the only reason we met is because of her dog!!! haha

she has a huuuuge dog. that is SO happy and excited to see new people that is scares everyone. but i was NOT scared of that big baby. and so we kept running into each other while she was walking her dog here (we live close by) and we just kept talking more and more and i think she is happy to have a friend too. The fact that i love her dog and didn't run meant a lot to her. i can tell.. because let me tell you... her dog is a HANDFUL. but i have been through that with my dad's dog Scarlet. just a big hyper baby that wants love!

also I am still playing clarinet! i am having to skip this next set of rehearsals and concert because of a travel issue but i have been meeting a friend from band to play clarinet together on mondays and.... she is amazing and i love her and... she has me meeting her at her church to practice because its convenient for both of us. can't practice at my apartment my neighbors will have a fit. lol and she is driving in from another city to meet me because she goes to church here and is here anyway. so i have been talking to her about my life and everything and i feel... a huge amount of blessed and i don't know. 

what i am trying to say is i am thinking about going to church with her. and if its not the right church for me, she understands, because i've told her about my past with the church i was raised in and also some of my beliefs and she is basically just happy if i go to church at all. she told me she would pray for me over a month ago when we first started hanging out and... well.. honestly. i think it might have worked because my life is significantly better than is has been.

there are a ton of other good things that are small but all of this is snow balling into... a great... NEED.. a feeling of being called into going back to church. i am grateful. i am blessed. and i just feel like its the right thing to do.

so anyway

haha

my husband and i are going back to get the rest of our stuff from where we lived before and i will get to see my parents... very briefly. for like one day. but its better than nothing and i am so excited. sad i wont get to see them more but so happy i am going to see them atleast one time this year other than Christmas. last year i saw them only once that december. my heart was so heavy with missing them that i binge ate myself into diabetes basically. which is one of my health problems i am now struggling with. its better. but i am still diabetic and i will be for a while unless i get things better. i lost a ton of weight but i need to lose more. its going to be a struggle but if i keep going like i'm going i'm too busy to eat! and i want to get a job too. so that is even more activity. I am unsure where i want to work but I am narrowing it down to a few places. i am going to wait until after i get back from alabama and get my band schedule for the rest of the year written down in my planner. and then i will apply and tell them when i will be busy. if they wont let me off for my performances though... i will... that will be a deal breaker for me. i can miss a rehearsal now and then. hopefully not. like i dont plan on it, but if i absolutely had to... i would.

i dont know i am filling up my week with stuff to do and getting a job would change that also.

so now i dont know actually. i mean would love to have the money and love to have that purpose in my life. but also... if i can't do the things i am doing now, i wont be happy either.

so i have a decision to make. its not an urgent decision but it needs to be made in the next month or two?

anyways i am about to wrap this up.

I need to update badly

 I haven't updated because life has been... well, in the gutter, so to speak.

my mental health is very poor (despite my therapist thinking it was great for a while)

I have come to admit I am having memory and cognitive problems. It's almost as if an early dementia that old people get... but I am far too young.

we are ruling out things... such as sleep apnea but I met with a sleep study consultant and told him everything I have going on (he majored in psychology then became a nurse) and he is pretty sure my sleep avoidance and problems are psychological. Probably trauma based.

I was told to tell my therapist to try CBT-I for insomnia and she said we can revisit CBT therapy and focus on insomnia problems but the CBT therapy didn't work very well for me in the past when I attempted it.

However this is a different kind of nasty I am dealing with when it comes to my being too anxious to let myself even try to fall asleep most nights. The entire process so complicated. We are working on solutions.. better noise cancelled ear phones that aren't bulky. or even a blue tooth head band that will play sleep sounds so i can fall asleep and not hear outside noises. I think that is my best shot.

If the getting my sleep right doesn't help my memory then we are looking at a serious problem that I don't want to think about... I'm not even sure what the proper term for it would be.

just the cognitive dysfunction and memory loss i am experiencing. and the fatigue. Always the fatigue.. My iron is still low I have been attempting to take the oral iron supplements but there are days I i know i cannot stomach them so I don't take them. The iron saturation in my blood stream isnt enough for my iron levels to rise. I have plenty of health red blood cells. my platelet count is great.. something isnt right and i dont know what it is. my doctor i see, i just now made headway with him and got him to communicate with me better and now he is retiring! SOOOOOO i am doubly frustrated!!!!!

however he said the woman taking over his patients is young and knows new medical things that he does not know-- he admits he is behind the times now. So bless his heart.. i actually ended up getting attached to him and now he is gone.  D=

I have a chance to start over with this new doctor and maybe come clean about my eating disorder. and how it has affected my entire life since 2005... and how now it is messing with my managing my diabetes.

I have a chance to come clean and get real help but... am i ready to give up my eating disorder? i have lived with it so long it is a part of who i am.. i dont know who i am if i'm not thinking about calories and weight. and not blood sugar!!! and carbs and ahhhh its just so much. it's so very much,

I was hoping to get a job but the sleep study consultation turned up this way and now I am having to look into my mental health more than I planned on because... If I can't think straight how can I work a job efficiently? 

I have thought about applying for disability and it breaks my heart. it hurts to think about it,

and i know i will get denied anyways everyone does their first time applying.

but what i'm seeing is that its because of a lack of medical records and well... i have tons of paper trails from my mental health problems that for sure, starting back in 2008 if i had to dig that far. i can't even remember the doctors name, nana and pawpaw took me to him and they're both gone now.... ..... sadness.

so my next records would be with indian rivers and i can get that. they have to still have them i went there for years. i should call and get them sent to me. i think maybe i will do that this week.

calling places like that is a huge HUGE anxiety trigger for me. like i will probably have a panic attack, not gonna lie. but if I can get information to help something... maybe even help my current therapist if not the disability approval... just having the records would be useful. i dont know why i haven't done this before. 

I am just not getting around to taking care of my own self i guess.

I am ADULTING.

it's hard yall

it really is.

and on that note. i will end this

also with a cute gif

copy pasta from facebook

I just forced myself to do all the self care. Shower. Shaved my legs with the good razor. Used the good shampoo and conditioner.  Hair oil (coconut oil ... much needed!) On braided towel dried hair to dry. Face care (moisturizer with salicylic acid because I have oily face skin)  Body moisturizer with the hemp seed oil lotion I love so much. But when I run out of this i am going back to my staple of queen Helene Cocoa butter lotion. Because that stuff is just.. never lets me down. 

I didn't think I'd make it through the shower but my husband suggested I use the shower chair and I am so glad I did. I had the energy left over to do the things I needed to do for self care.

Showers have always been very hard for me since the depression got so bad. I don't know what it is about them... I just get very exhausted when I'm done. So I dread taking them. Since I dont need to wash my hair much I take baths a lot and rinse off after. But when I do shower it's.. very exhausting. And the length of my hair does not help AT ALL..

Ahh anyway I am clean and moisturized. I have already practiced clarinet.

I did not go walking today because I have started an increased dose of metformin and I don't know how it will do me yet and I didn't want to have a blood sugar crisis out in public. So... Maybe on Friday I will start my walking at the mall. I don't have music on my phone. But I have iHeartRadio and they are usually good enough for me. I don't think I need a tailored get pumped up playlist for my walking 😂

I spent most of this afternoon sewing a patch onto my canvas cross body bag because I don't trust iron on patches. I have bought a lot of stuff for pride month and I am already wearing everything. I have friends. Family. And I just.... Think equality for all is the goal it's.. THE GOAL.. It's... The goal. It should be standard like I don't even know why there is any questions or doubts. 

People are cruel. and I hate it. Learn to love other people despite your differences. It says a lot about you when you can't. Just putting that out there.

Anyways

Thanks for coming to my tab talk 

I hate doctors

Went to the doctor today....

Doc thinks my forgetting everything all the time is memory problems from sleep apnea

So I will get a sleep study

Which he already asked for but never heard anything

So we asked for it again

I'm gonna end up with a CPAP machine.. And still cognitive memory problems basically 

But they have to rule out everything before they diagnose me with... Anything??? You know? Hoops to jump through. Expensive tests. So much hate for this. I don't even know anymore 

I took pictures because I dressed up haha... I always have mean face. So that is a thing.

short update

Retail therapy. All my food is eaten in bowls now. And I am tired of washing the same three bowls over and over. 

Also two of them are vintage pyrex and should probably be stored away somewhere safe. They are very special to my husband.

I also allowed myself to buy new gym shorts in a size smaller. Which is a huge deal because I do not see myself as smaller at all. I lost weight last fall and have managed to keep it off. I still need to lose a lot of weight because of diabetes (which is part of what Infuriates me. I lost almost 40 lbs before they even caught it and diagnosed me so what was my A1C before that? Idek)but I have been wearing shorts that fall off me if I don't have a drawstring cinched up tight. Same with blue jean shorts and my cute little formal looking (imo) khaki shorts. I bought belts but I bought them too big because my mind doesn't see my body right.  Stan is gonna help me punch new holes in them. I don't think I have a big enough need or thimble to protect my thumb when I push hard enough on a needle anyway.

 and the gym shorts I bought are still too big so I could have gotten two sizes smaller. 😠😂