Bipolar Type I - Generalized Anxiety Disorder w/ Panic attacks & OCD - PTSD - Chronic Eating Disorder (since 2005, it comes and goes)

Friday, December 13, 2019

photos from dec 13, 2019

I went to town with my parents.... Last minute decision. Not sure how I made it through honestly. I'm probably gonna crash really hard in a few hours or tomorrow or something.
Here are some photos from the day.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Let's talk about ANXIETY!!!! - dec 11, 2019

When I haven't left my cocoon of safe & feel goods in a while

 My friend Mr. Anxiety be like:

 "Hello Darling, Nice to See Ya, ..... It's Been A Long Tiiiiiiiiiiiiime....."


Anxiety.


When I'm talking about anxiety, in general, I include all types. Generalized, OCD, Social, and specific situational that usually involves Panic attacks. There is a pretty large range of anxiety types, some are worse than others. But all anxiety is a very real, and should not be belittled. 

My anxiety is very spread out over the "spectrum" of anxiety disorders.

I have really bad social anxiety, that either comes from my eating disorder and low self-esteem and bad body image, or is tied into it. Picking these things apart is part of what I go to therapy for.

I have another anxiety problem that usually causes actual Panic attacks--- and that is Time/Planning related.
I posted before about how I use a planner to keep track of what is happening in my life. And that is a COPING MECHANISM I have decided to use to help me manage this kind of anxiety. (it also has become a hobby and fun for me, so that is a definite plus)

I have extreme trouble with people proposing last minute events on me, or surprise visits. last minute engagements.
I freak out. I really really really freak out.
I don't know how this happened, to get it so severely stuck into my concrete way of thinking. Maybe it was running on a tight schedule in school and marching band and having to be on time ALWAYS ON TIME, if you're on time you're LATE.
Whatever it was, it was become part of my core personality traits that I cannot shake off. And its causing my extreme distress in my daily life. Which is why, on most days, I do not leave the house, or I might for 30 mins to 2 hours. And if I have an appointment.
Having a set appointment and time is very important to me, it makes my anxiety so much easier to deal with. But it also makes me anxious in and of itself. Because I know the date is coming.
But I do have to say that if I had to choose between being told last minute I have an appointment and knowing a day early--- I would always pick a day early. Or even better-- two + days early. Like a week early.
Anyways. that is why I have a planner! I keep track of everything that could possibly happen.
On top of that, I have very bad memory.... so I write down what happens each day at the end of the day, even if its just I did laundry and washed dishes. its like a journal and a scrapbook at the same time.

But anyways, about the anxiety-- A few days ago one of my best friends who is fighting cancer offered to meet me somewhere so we could see each other. I haven't been able to see her in ages, because of my schedule, her schedule, and also her needing to stay away from germs and viruses.
and I was completely take off guard. Like completely. But I knew I wanted to see her not only because I haven't seen her in so long, but I had something to give her and She has gotten married since I'd seen her last (she moved her wedding up because of the diagnosis).
So it was absolutely necessary that I see her.

AAAAAAAAAANNNNND--- Anxiety.
so I have a panic attack. I mean a full on can't breath, can't walk, can't think, soaked in sweat. passing out. and I'm getting dressed and trying to make myself look okay, but I am sweating off my make up and my clothes are drenched and my hair is wet and slop.
so I break down and take an Ativan.
I try not to take them because they make me sleepy and, and I was going to have to drive.
But I took it anyways, it it started to work just as I started my car. So then a cool calm came over me.


I have rarely taken my anxiety medication at the peak of an attack, I usually take it just to stave off an impending one. So the feeling relief was.... incredible. I don't know what I would have done. I probably would have told my friend I couldn't see her at all.

And it was the best thing, the BEST THING. I felt so good, I got to see her. I had a wonderful time.

I was just so exhausted when I got there because it felt like I had ran a marathon right before. haha.

I had missed her so much and I was so happy to see her, I was like.. it was the best feeling. Warm inside and Wonderful.

And if I hadn't taken my anxiety medication and pushed through I'd probably not have gotten to see her that day at all, and who knows when I would have gotten to see her next.... Given the fact that she is sick and has to get chemo treatments and can't be around a lot of people and germs or such.

And if I wanna look at if from another view--- I could say it's a form of "exposure therapy" for my anxiety??? I think. Maybe? Because I had the fear, I felt the fear, I faced the fear, and with a little help, I conquered the fear. Now that doesn't mean that I am completely over this kind of thing, it will take multiple "exposures" done in many, many different situations. Over a long period of time. And even then, there might be a point where my therapist has to say-- "ok, this is it, this is the best we can do. and that is ok."


Um anyways, hahaha...

while I was writing this blog entry I was watching a very good movie that is relevant to this blog post, so that was fun. haha. I have seen "Inside Out" (click the link to buy on amazon if you haven't got it already, its a good movie!) many times before, but it had been a while, and I know it is a very good example some of the inner workings of the mind.  It's a movie that can help a child or a confused adult. It's also funny and makes you feel good. It really has all the good things a movie should. But this movie, if you pay attention, mentions very specific key ideas about how the mental health of a person is made up.  So basically, It's a good movie to watch for fun and fluff happy stuff, and it's educational and informative too. So good on Pixar/Disney for making this movie. It needed to be made, and I'm glad it was so well done.

-Tabitha




Monday, December 9, 2019

Planner Girl -- 2020!

So there comes a time every year that us planner enthusiast get really excited and it's right about that time! (if you do planners by year, and not school year that starts in September, I mean)

I like having planners because of anxiety and bad memory problems. I can't remember anything,
and I get bad anxiety about knowing when things are going to happen. and planning what will happen. and things happening on time, so having a planner is very very comforting to me. and it gives me something to do that is creative and artsy. 
It works almost like a scrapbook for me, but its an everyday detailed scrapbook. So maybe when I'm old I can look back and say "oh so thats what I did on the holiday that year and who i was with" and what not. Since, as Ive already said, my memory is kind of.... not very there. haha. 

Anyways, ON TO THE PLANNER!!!!


So this year I wanted a planner that was very.... well, blank. But pretty. And lots of space for stickers and washi tape. And I was pretty sure I was going to end up buy another "see it bigger" PlanAhead Planner .
However, I found something a bit more appealing to the eye, while still being open and blank enough to meet my blank slate planner decorating needs.
This is the Blue Sky Weekly/Monthly planner. It has the months of Oct-Dec 2019 in month layout, and it starts like normal in Jan 2020.

The month and weekly pages are very open wth lots of room for decoration, but not completely bare of some sort of decoration, there are little bunches of flowers at the top where the binder coil comes together.

so you can see its quite lovely, and if you wanted you could use washi tape and or stickers to cover up the flowers at the top and make a themed weekly layout of your own choosing.

so this is going to be a little daily on going journal scrapbook project for 2020, and I am so excited! I have gotten thin washi tape and stickers to decorate my planner and I am very excited to start the year 2020!!!

-Tabitha




Sunday, December 8, 2019

therapy books--- REBT therapy

The therapist I saw before my current one was a very old, kind man. I liked him very much. Spending time with him was like spending time with my grandfather, he was funny and witty and kind.... but... I couldn't open up to him about the more feminine things that I needed to talk about.

However, he did help me in another area of the mental therapy of my mind--- how we think. one thing that stands out is that he gave me a word for my illogical crap I tell myself and it has stuck with me: "COGNITIVE GARBAGE"

What we worked on was Dialectical behavior therapy, and I admit that at the time I don't think I was ready to commit to a method of therapy other than talk therapy. But with what's been going on lately. I think I am definitely ready to revisit the book he asked me to read-- I have been reading a lot of books lately, some that are helpful and are meant to go along with therapy.



And some other books I'm reading are autobiographies or just .... well, anything really. But I like I read books about mental illness in general. so I can learn about things and understand others better. but this book "A Guide to Rational Living" was written quite a while a ago, you'll notice they use terms and words that we don't use these days.
Here is a quote from the book, that pretty well sums up the idea of this kind of therapy.

"...unlike other animals, humans tell themselves various sane and crazy things. Their beliefs, attitudes, opinions, and philosophies often take the form of internalized sentences or self-talk. Consequently, they can change their self-defeating emotions and behaviors, by their clearly seeing, disputing, and acting against their internal philosophies."


and so this book that I read for therapy, goes on to give examples of people in situations and how they implement this rational thinking into their lives, and other helpful things for this kind of issue.
I had not thought it would be something that I'd need much, and I have not seen this therapist for a while.
He was very old and in bad health and needed to retire, or I would have continued seeing him.

I have been very happy with my new, most recent therapist... she mentioned something that made me think of this book in my last session and now I have been going through my books and seeing if i can find things to read to help me.

it's the holidays and therapist have lives just like us, ya know??? so we cant see them weekly like we would if we could, and yeah, so they wanna be off work and do their own thing with their family.... so I have to find something to help myself in the mean time, I guess. Haha. Book Therapy!!!

Anyways, I've had so much bad stuff the past few months.... and I think this book might actually help right now... I think it will actually make sense this time, or take root in my mind, I guess you could say. I really hope it does, because I'm gonna give it a try. This is my "December self help" book.

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Saturday. December 7, 2019.

Hello world! Today was a pretty lazy Saturday. We slept in late and I eventually decided to go to the store, but while I was driving I got kinda down and sad so... I just stopped at a little dollar store and got some stuff and came home.
My original intention was to drive all the way into town and buy my husband his Christmas gift. But I just didn't wanna drive that far today ( we live 30-40 minutes from town) and It just seemed too much for me mentally today, because I had also planned on cooking lunch for my husband (which is something I don't get to do that often given our living arrangement).
I also wanted to bake a pie, but I think I will do that tomorrow.


So today we watching 'Peter pan' on Disney+ ... And my husband are his meal that I cooked. And we watched the newest episode of the 'Mandalorian' and just feel falling in love with little baby Yoda. 

I started the laundry that we usually do on Sunday so we are a little ahead on the weekend chores.

I looked over my planners to make sure I have all my dates and appointments written down, so I don't miss or forget anything. I love decorating my planner.
its nothing extravagant but it makes me happy. It's like a scrapbook projects that I do as life is going, pretty much.

I have tried to add some holiday cheer to our house, we haven't been very big on decorating in a really long time, but this year I really need the cheer to balance out the depression so I am decorating. It might look a little pathetic but it's just me making due with what decorations we already have here in storage and lying around.
🎄 Our little tiny Christmas tree has flashing fiber optic stuff and I can't get a good photo because it's always changing clolors.

So... There isn't much going on this next week at all. No appointments or anything.
I might get the time to do the Christmas cards... There's still time, right? Haha.

We have the family Christmas gathering on the 21st of December. And the usual Christmas here ....
And as I've mentioned the little mini vacation my husband and I are planning on taking in the beginning of January.
And the week after that I have I have my next appointment with my therapist and psychiatrist on January 7th, 2020.

After that we will be going to Kentucky to see my husband's family. For Christmas... Late Christmas, but Christmas isn't about a day. It's about who you're with and being happy.

In early 2020 I hope my husband and I will attend Kami-Con but we aren't sure about it every year... because its in birmingham, and hotels and i dont know if i want to Cosplay, but I would be cool if I could. But I know I don't have to. The shops and seeing other people are the best part of it anyway.

I hope everyone has a lovely evening~! Here's a little gif  of a christmas candle. one thing you will find out about me if I love little pixel gifs and stuff. they make me super happy!! I have been collecting them for so long I have so many stored away for any thing I might ever need. haha. Ok, I'm a dork. Sorry.
Goodnight.
-Tabitha

Thursday, December 5, 2019

random selfie

Hello I'm a dork.

Thursday December 7, 2019

Today has been busy already and its just 1pm!

I have done tons of chores, saw my cousin briefly (who needed emergency help with changing and tire and we had to call my brother to help)
I have laid out dinner because I am cooking tonight. I planned on baking a pie but I am exhausted (mostly mentally) so I am going to bake another day.

We have been baby sitting a friend's little girl (she is 6 months old) and I am in love with her. She is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. She makes my sad feelings go away instantly.

We are staying in Alabama for christmas day, but going to Kentucky in January to see my husband's family.

Anyways, today I am washing some clothes, and dishes and cleaning up (the garbage ran yesterday so its empty and ready for all the garbage)

We have been doing some last minute christmas gift thinking-- I guess its not really last minutes but I like to do everything early so for me it feels last minute.

My parents and my husband and I are going to Mississippi to get away from everything later this month (or january, not sure) so that will be nice.

I will post more later, right now I want to destress and coloring in my adult coloring book and watch a show on netflix.

I hope everyone is having a good day.

-Tabitha