the end of october 2019

a lot has happened and i dont feel like talking about it, i have a lot of very bad feelings
there is something in the works, but we are unsure if it will happen and i am on edge.
life is shity and i know it will get better but i just dont know.

i'm  coloring and right now i have a friend who wants me to wrap some crystals for jewelry and i'm trying to focus on my hobbies that i know would usually be my happy things if i were happy.

i'm using joke and humor to cover up my sadness and its making people think i'm ok when i'm not, and i have done this all my life but i havent ever really actually addressed it until recently. so... i dont know... my therapist and i are making some huge leaps right now which is great but if this thing in the works happens..... then i will lose her and cant see her and it will be.... hard to start again with someone new.... but... i know i can do it, i've done it before. i can do it again.

anyways i'm about to work on some jewelry stuff before tomorrow and eat some fruit loops.

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today.
there is a lot going on.

i had therapy yesterday and stan came into my session with me (he usually does not)
and we had a very open "this is the real  deal" what with my therapist because i tend to skirt the issues and use humor and jokes to avoid talking about the problems. and stan wanted to make sure that didn't happen this time.

that being sad.

something has happened in my family.
a death. not of a blood relative, but someone who married into the family.
a suicide.
the situation is extremely complicated and i will not talk about it here,

so prayers are gratefully accepted. this is a strange time. (if you know the situation youd under stand why its so very strange and uncomfortable, but its not my place to share this information)

so that is what is happening now
on top of helping my mom babysit, which is the highlight of my day. my week. my life. its the best thing. taking care of this baby is the happiest i've been in a very long time, which bring up other sadness that aches at the core of my being. so this is a very confusing time for me.
but I am alive and I am ok. and that is a miracle in and of itself, isnt it??
i am grateful for my husband and the life i have.
and that is all i can say.

please think of my family (my cousin specifically)
bless everyone
have a wonderful thursday.

saturday update

so today I got dressed and put on make up and nice clothes and left the house!!!
it was ok but I got really really anxious, i had to turn the fan on high and fan myself to cool off. i sweat really bad when I anxiety.
the pub event for the radio station was very different than past events and they had a scavenger hunt where you had to go to different places and find out stuff and get your list of stuff notorized, idk. we didn't do it-- and the people we expected to be able to see weren't there because everybody was spread out doing the stuff.
so we went to the little book shop and then left for walmart.
which was horrible but not as bad as it could have been. my feet went numb because i was wearing boots and my knees were really weak but i made it through.
I got a new bra, which is really exciting and I am very grateful.

We are at home now trying to relax, I might crash early tonight... going out today was extremely exhausting emotionally, mentally, and physically. but i think the worst part was mentally and emotionally i think i did ok physically maybe. other than squatting to look at books on shelves was hard because i couldn't get back up without help lol. my knees dont work.

we are watching Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby because we need something mindlessly stupid to laugh at.

anyways, thats my saturday.

i have scheduled myself to blog every four days lol

i have downloaded an activity tracker to help me be more productive
i have tasks that i've set to do on days and it keeps track and such
i also have a mood app to record my moods.
and i am logging all my food again, so i'm definite not eating as much lol hopefully i'm gonna lose weight because lets be real here, i am obese and this is not ok.

i did a lot of house work sunday
yesterday not so much
i'm going to try and do a bit today

we (as in mom and me) were supposed to be baby sitting almost every night this week but something happened and we aren't and i am  sad because i was looking foreward to being around a little baby. i really like babies and kids and i just... its starting to sink in hard that i am going to be missing out on this part of life.... and i just feel empty. i need a little puppy or something. i dont know i just need to have a need to be alive. i need to have that... i have to be alive to take care of my kid thing... but i can't have kids... so i need doggies. please give me doggies. we can't have them here. i mean we do have them but they arent ours.  i want one that is mine since puppy, i want that bond. i want to be a mom. i need it.
but we can't do that here.
lilly is my baby but she is 7 years old, and a cat. she is very independent and self reliant.. cats need less attention and care, they generally want less interaction with humans than dogs. i love cats but when it comes to me having a baby, i need a dog.
uh anyway that came out of nowhere, jesus. lol

i finally finished my journal i have been writing in since january.. i guess i have just been so bored or empty and uninspired i havent been writing in it. i did get really down before the iron infusions so maybe that was why. either way this last journal... it took me the longest time to fill it up. like the longest time ever. i usually wrong every day but i had nothing to write this year.  i dont know.
and even when there was a ton going on-- all the doctors and stuff-- i did't write a lot.
i dont know why. maybe i'm just phasing out of journaling which is sad because its so good for the soul and you can look back when you're old and realize how stupid you were lol

anyways most of my life is actually boring and involves gaming and tv shows.
but i thought id post

my cousins wedding is this month and we can't go because its in new orleans and its so expensive to get hotels down there plus the stuff we wanna do (the aquarium etc) because we were gonna use that as our anniversary vacation, and stan has never been to new orleans.
but i guess it will have to wait for another few years

so anyway.. uh... well my parents are doing a festival this weekend to sell my dad's stuff he makes and thats pretty cool but also very very stressful on everyone so yeah.


but i have to say i am in a pretty good place right now, and stan is amazing and i love him.
i love life and i am grateful for everything we have. I look foreward to the years to come.

Really long time from last update

Most of my medical issues are resolved. I mean not really but we have some answers.
I will get bloodwork done again in two months or so.

I've been playing Minecraft a lot.
I think I'm depressed but I dont wanna change my meds. Because it's just... You never know what'll happen.

Stan and I are watching the show "Community"
Comedic gold.
I want to update more. My computer isn't charged so this is on my phone and I hate updating this blog on my phone, so.

Augus 10, 2019

I haven't updated in a long time.
I have been deemed non-anemic as of my last bloodwork. I'm a few points above anemic now. they want me to come back for a three month check up to see if my iron levels are staying in the good range.

I had a CT scan and I have found out I have Ovarian Cysts and Diverticulosis.
So my weird stomach problems are actually a thing.

I mean, other than the GERD and reflux and hernia. I mean, lower abdomen stuff.

The ovarian cysts explain why I have been having really bad pain in my pelvic area and its not always during my period, just randomly... like bad.

I've been playing Minecraft and its really addictive, like REALLY REALLY.

on Monday I have an ultrasound of my gallbladder-- AGAIN.
they said (from the CT results) my gallbladder wall is inflammed-- but they didn't say anything about the gallstones they said i had. so i am not sure what is going on with that.

And wednesday I have therapy in birmingham.

And in a week or two I have a colonoscopy.

So I think we might be coming to an end of the investigation part of this whole thing.
Unless I have flair ups of whatever I have wrong.

My Dad starts his new awesome job monday.

I'm listening to old Fall Out Boy and waxing hella nostalgic.


My husband has been so patient and loving during all this medical nonsense and I am so grateful for him. I love you babe.

Friday July 19, 2019

just a quick little update