Bipolar Type I - Generalized Anxiety Disorder w/ Panic attacks & OCD - PTSD - Chronic Eating Disorder (since 2005, it comes and goes)

Monday, January 13, 2020

Monday Jan 13, 2020

So, I'm not sure what I have or haven't updated about, and I'm not really feeling like checking my last post, lol.

So-- My new medicine isn't covered by insurance so we are coming at a point where we aren't sure what is gonna happen.
We know the generic is supposed to be released by the end of this month, but we aren't sure how soon it will make it to pharmacies or the insurance will be agreeable.

I go to see the doctor this week to try and figure out what to do.
We hope they will give me more samples so I can continue to take this medicine until they can get my the generic.

We have been watching our friend's baby again, but not as much as last year.
I have discovered all the best ways to make the baby laugh, which is my joy right now. haha
The trick is to make funny faces and strange noises, all the time. Even if you look like an idiot, ok especially if you look like an idiot.

I've been rewatching some starwars movies, and also a lot of old disney movies.

I'm monitoring how many steps I take a day and HAHAHAHA. I am so LAZY.

I'm trying to do more housework but I have been so tired lately. I think my iron might be low again, but we wont know anything until next month.

I'm kind of tired of typing now, so I will leave you with some gifs.

Saturday, January 4, 2020

Jan 4, 2020 --Saturday

We are home!
We went to the Pearl River Resort with my mom and dad and I THINK if it wasn't raining and we didnt go to the casino to gamble, we'd have had a really good time. The room was nice and comfy, except for there was no minifridge or microwave. which would have been really nice.

But the other nice stuff in the room made up for it

I'll be honest though I mostly slept the whole time. haha
The huge dinner friday night was delicious and I should have eaten more but I was so bloated and gross feeling I just couldn't eat that much. I ate a lot of potatoes and mac and cheese and baked fish and shrimp.
The drive over there was horrible. So rainy, like... just the worst kind of rain. Dreary and gross.

When we got home the cat collars I ordered from Wish were here and my cat has a beautiful collar now.

And I have some cool washi tape for my planner.

I mended one of my husband's work shirts when we got back, I'm doing a lot of sewing lately. it's nice. makes me feel housewife good.

Anyways, this next week I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist and Therapist. I haven't seen my therapist in a month! It's been so hard.  I have so much to say that I dont even know what to tell her, I'm going to have to start writing stuff down so I can remember what to tell her or I will just go in there and run my mouth and not talk about the things that actually matter. she lets me talk as much as i want but it seems to be getting in the way of my actual progress lately.

Here's some photos from our trip and today.

we went to the Philadelphia House of Pancakes. was good.

house of pancakes

po ta toes and skrimps. and maccychese. this is from the big dinner we did friday night

"that's no moon.... it's a space station"

and these are some photos from my wish order
a cat collar for my princess

super thin washi tape!

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

happy new year! Jan 1, 2020

So most people do a kind recap of the year  post on their blogs or whatever...
but I'm going to focus on the second half of the year because it impacted me more. So um.....

The second half of 2019 was a strange time. I spent a lot of time at doctors offices trying to figure out what was wrong with my body. Only to find out it's multiple things, and that are not all exactly fixable. But manageable.

GERD and diverticulosis, a hiatal hernia, gallbladder problems, ovarian cysts, low iron and my potassium is off.

I also came to the realization that yes, eating disorders make you age faster physically. My body is more worn out than it should be, and it's something I regret deeply. In combination with my bipolar and anxiety disorders, I feel as if so much has been taken from me by mental illness. Which is why I am going to do my best to be an advocate for mental illness awareness. That's why this blog has been revamped.

I have realized that I desperately want to be a mom. After baby sitting a friend's baby for days in a row... And finding so much joy in taking care of her... It's what my heart desires most right now. I yearn to be a mother.

I see my highschool classmates with their kids and I am so bittersweet happy. I am happy they can experience the joy, and I am simultaneously jealous that I cannot. I know there are options to have a child... 
I am very interested in fostering or adopting. I want to. But they make it so complicated and expensive I am afraid to even try because I get my hopes up so high... The let down destroys me.

There's other things that have been on my mind, things that I have failed to accomplish in the same time my peers have... Owning a house, having my own place. But then I remember that I love my parents very much, and living with them isn't too bad. Lol I think they are more tired of me than I am of them.

Also, the sense that death is always lurking ready to take people away has been reinforced in my life. It's been two years since my nana died and death and dying is still something I have not made peace with. I dread 2020. I dread the fact that I know people will probably die. That people die, period. It's not something I am able to handle well. And if I can't cope with it better I am not gonna make it through the rest of my life, because more and more people you know die as you get older.

2019 has also been good. At least some of it. I have just changed medication to latuda and my mental health has improved. I am more active. I want to do chores. I want to make jewelry. I want to leave the house. 

I'm not sure what 2020 will bring, but I am praying it gives me some answers or hope.

I hope everyone has a good 2020!

Thursday, December 26, 2019


my husband got me a bow!!!!!!! I'm an elf!
I named my bow Artemis! 

Stocking stuff!!!! I always drink with straws so the straws are good.
I love socks.

This is from my Sister-in-law! I LOVE IT.

I'm fat lol. But Look Im good at archery!!

Monday, December 23, 2019

Christmas Eve Eve? lol

I remember when I first heard the term "christmas eve eve"-- I was sitting at the salon my mom was working at while she was working and another lady said it, and it blew my mind.
LIKE OH, what have we here. ANOTHER CHRISTMAS EVE.

haha, anyways.

I baked last friday, and I have decided that the "cream cheese" icing they sell in the store is not proper for red velvet cake, AT ALL. It just doesn't taste right.

The christmas gathering saturday was good fun, but I got burnt out really quick and I asked to go home early. I did see and talk to all my favorite people, and I traded pokemon with my cousin-in-law. the food was good and my cousin makes the best stuff.

we have visitors at the house, and that includes the baby we have been baby sitting is here, so that is exciting.

Yesterday, sunday-- I was just a sleepy head mess. I know I checked out early on the christmas gathering, so I shouldn't have been so tired. But I was. It seems as if the YAY feeling I was having has subsided and that makes me sad because I was hoping my new medication for Bipolar was the cause of my yay feelings. But I guess not. I'm back to where I was or even worse, when it comes to tired and lethargic feelings.

My husband is going to stop by the store after work and get my supplies to bake my christmas cookies.
I used the Funfetti Cake Mix to make delicious cookies. Vanilla icing, food coloring, and hopefully christmas sprinkles but they aren't necessary. Any sprinkles will do. Or even no sprinkles.

So tomorrow I am baking!! again!

And then it's christmas. I think I know one of my gifts because its been a tradition for my husband to get me a nice fleece blanket for christmas every year. It just one of those things I will never get tired of getting, I love them so. I got him something that he's mentioned he wanted and I know as soon as he sees it he will be like "OH YEAH, of course." because its the only thing he has really talked about wanting.

But all in all, I am FORCING my christmas feelings this year. I am just not feeling anything at all much.
Save for Sarcastic remarks about any and everything. That's about all I'm good for haha.

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Lots going on!!! Dec 19, 2019

I had to take a day and rest but I think I'm ok now--- We are baby sitting the little one (our friend's baby)
Tomorrow I am baking for the Reynolds christmas on saturday, and on sunday I am going to the movies with my husband and we are seeing the Starwars movie!!!!!

Next monday or tuesday I will bake my cookies for christmas that I usually bake and then we have the countdown for christmas.

The rest of december is kind of open, but our January is filling up fast if we do everything that we have in the planner that we might do.
So I might have to admit I can't do some of it, so I think I will say we wont go to Kami-con because seeing my husband's family is more important.

And there's another Con that we can go to that will be fun and its another month, so I wont be so overwhelmed.

but anyways.... CHRISTMASSSSS

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

I plan to update soon...(tomorrow I hope)

I spent about 5 days in "game on" mode... Doing stuff all day and cleaning and going out and go go go.
So it seems today, Wednesday, I have had a bit of a low energy day. I just don't feel like myself.

I guess maybe I just needed a day. I hadn't been in "game on" mode for so many days in a row in months. So I guess it's ok to take a day and rest. I'm supposed to tell myself it's ok to rest, but I feel bad.

Anyways, I wanna update about what been going on, and what's happening this weekend. So I will take the time tomorrow and do that. But as for tonight, I gotta just lay down.