I'm 33 nowwwwwww lol

SO my birthday was nothing and that is perfectly fine with me because i dont need a reminder that i'm getting older ok thanks hahahha


Stans mother went into the hospital on my birthday and we were scared as fuck and he packed a bag and got the oil changed in his car just in case he needed to go. i would have went but my anxiety is so bad--- he would be trying to manage too much mentally and emotionally and i would have been a burden so, i was going to stay home.

but he didn't have to go.

the game of thrones season 8 starting was good
and we have the avengers Endgame coming up.
and then the crawfishboil in may... which means lots of cleaning up to do
and uh oh my god....
we really really need to clean, the yard is a mess and thats were people will be... and that garage but i have no idea how this will happen because dad's machinery takes up so much space.

the house is bad because of animals and they are shedding their winter coat furr EVERYWHERE. Im looking at you Marleigh I know you can't read this but bless your heart sweetie. idek. i tried to brush some of her winter fur out and it just. i dont even know, it keeps coming. we need a real groomer or a huge super strong brush

gotta clean up the back porch gazebo and the fire pit with the chairs and stuff cause maybe smoke some sausage. why not roast marshmallows, who knows.


i just want to say that husband has been so very very supportive of me and caring and i cannot ask for better... i am blessed. the lexapro is helping a lot and i am trying to remember to take the ativan for  anxiety i just forget it a lot. or try to push through and not need it. put it wears me down when i do that so idk..

i'm trying to go outside more and leave the house and just... not be in the bedroom. its hard.
like i am ashamed of the absurdness of how hard it is for me to do these things. it makes me feel bad and then i feel bad and dont wanna try and its like.... digging hole deeper.
but i am trying to get past that. in some way
i am doing more than i was
socializing more than i was i think maybe

i am just so very thankful that stan is here to help me while i do this because i cannot do this by myself. at all. I love him and he is my rock. I am waiting for him to get home from work right now...

thurs april 4th

so my medicine seems to be helping me. i went outside and layed in the sun for over an hour-- and have a sunburn to prove it. lol
it felt good to be outside. i would (might) do it again today but a sunburn on top of a sunburn might not be a good feeling lol. i know i should use suncreen but then i will ever tan. i always burn and then tan (if i can keep moisturized and not peel)

my birthday is saturday and its just another day for me, i'm not really wanting to do anything for it.

i am so close to retiring my main stardew valley farm. i am on year 11 now and i have 20,000,000 something in gold and i just wanna roll that 2 over from 9 to 100,000,000 -- which will not display on the game because there isn't enough digit slots. i will essentially "break the bank"
and then i will retire this farm and do a new one. maybe a different kind of farm. a river or forest farm.

i have master the whole fast track to money thing so if i can get that done i can play around with designs on these new farms... they are set up different with space and water areas.

GAME OF THRONES COMES BACK FOR THE FINAL TIME SOON

Also the Avengers: Endgame
so this is exciting things

also in May the crawfish boil.... which will need the house and yard to be cleaned-- and maybe, just maybe, i will have the energy and nondepression feels to help them out and that will make me feel good about myself.

also it is Marya Hornbacher's Birthday-- she wrote "wasted" and "madness" and a few other wonderful books about mental illness and I am her friend on facebook so I sent her a message. I forgot her birthday and mine were two days apart. haha. that is so cool.

hopefully things will get better now

my doctor has increased my lexaro and we are yet again waiting.
i seem better but my anxiety is bad and my self esteem is so bad i dont know what to even do with myself.

i went with Stan to a job last week end and i got to see one of my old friends and it made me really happy.
but also sad because i know i can see her all the time.

i guess this week is just another week unless stan makes me go to this concert on the 30th and i really should it would be good for me-- but it feel so bad doing it because i am miserable.

Miss Lilly lost her collar and that made me sad but she has been really nice and loving since then so maybe she was only because mean because he hated that collar so much lol

i think i need to get a mammogram
and bloodwork

i dunno


i am playing video games because i am lame

same shit different day

so my new anti depressant medicine is at a low dose and i am trying to hold on.... i see the psychiatrist next tuesday and the therapist also.

we are thinking that maybe i could drive myself to the appointments that are just the therapist and not the psychologist. because idk lol it just made sense at the time

I have been playing stardew valley alllll the time. also legend of zelda Breath of the Wild

..... i have to say that i am so thankfull and grateful for my husband. he has done everything he can to help me and i am so thankful and blessed to have him in my life.

also.... unfortunately.  my brother's wife's step dad (who has been a big part of her life) has died... on sunday.
and i have been selfish and horrible and i havent went to see them.
i just thought that my depression would be... adding to it?
but i am going to visit them tomorrow.
i should have done it sooner and i feel horrible about it.

there are plans for us to go to the mobile, al area in april (we'd leave on my birthday) so that is fun.
and there's a concert my husband w ants to go to.
so there's stuff going on and... i'm trying really really hard to pull myself out of this depression hole so i can enjoy the real world and do stuff.

yeah

i wish i had better news.

the new medicine might work... the dose is really low right now. so there is hope. just increasing it. and then waiting the 2-3 weeks . I am trying to think positive.

troubled waters

we are changing my medicines and requesting a re-evaluation of my mental illnesses
because after some personal assessment my symptoms  could be one thing or another or both things. one of these things require a special kind of therapy and possible hospital stays for stability reasons to we want to make sure everything is actually what the people at the shit free clinic said it is. because who the hell knows.


i am trying to pull through this depression is it has been a long one and i have been laying in bed in misery for a long time
I have therapy on monday


stan is a saint is trying so hard to keep me sane and ok and safe and happy and i love him and i can't find a way to tell him because my mood swings are so bad that by the time i realize these things something else has set me off.

this is part of the stuff that we aren't sure about... and might be a sign my diagnosis is wrong.

all in all.... i dont know.... stay tuned-- i know only one person checks this blog but i still try to update it when i can.

all i have going on is therapy and videogames and trying to keep my shit together until medicine works or something else happens.

Ok.... So. My husband is amazing

My wonderful husband has done so much for me lately. He got my car fixed. He bought replacement controllers for the Nintendo switch because the only thing that seems to make me happy is gaming. And it doesn't even make me happy. It just passes time. Until I go to sleep again.

He is trying so hard to make me happy and I am so depressed and I feel... Guilty. Because I want to do and be better but I just..... cant. I dont know how to explain it.. my mind is dark and twisty (to quote Grey's anatomy) ...and we know I have to try new medication...  I am so hesitant to try anything after the last time we tried those two meds that were so horrible... But I am going to have to try something new... Something else... Because this is not.... Idk. Anyway we will attempt a new medication soon (appt Feb 19 next Tues for that and also therapy) but I am just barely hanging on here.

I know I've said that before but it's bad bad bad. And I'd probably benefit from a stay at the psych hospital at this point but I don't wanna go that's the absolutely last thing I will ever do.

I wish I could see my therapist every week  but it's so far. I could drive it now that my car is fixed. I mean it would be a feat but I could probably do it. And Stan wouldn't have to take off work? Maybe he could just go when I see the psychiatrist. And I can go alone when I see the therapist.

Oh my I keep thinking up these things and I know I can't ever do them. I don't think. It's... I don't think I could do the drive. But maybe....

hello darlin, nice to see ya. it's been a long tiiiiiiiime

My only news to report is that the major clinical depression struggle is very real and very kicking my ass lately.


I am making due with video games, netflix, and the occasional coloring book. but these things are getting useless as my depression episode grows longer.

we are going to call my doctor and schedule a emergency type check in to get me on a new medicine of some kind for depression---- hopefully one that wont make me gain 8202084 pounds. because I already feel disgusting right now. I'm not sure how much more I can stand.