I joined a band!

 It has been so long since I have played clarinet with a band. or played at all.

So Last sunday I went to rehearsal and it was just a play through of everything. I absolutely could not play a note at all. I just sat there holding my clarinet. I cried a little. I was so overwhelmed. I knew I could play the music but... I couldn't.

So I spent this past week practicing every day. most days twice a day.

I did better at this rehearsal but I am still only at like 50% of my ability. and i could probably get even better if i kept pushing myself. I have natural talent and I just ... i dont think i tapped into my whole potential.

I don't really have anywhere to go with my playing but this band but even just this will be such a good thing for me.

I would think about asking to play second clarinet or first in the future but The 3rd part is challenging already. I know I'll get better and it will become easy but... with this band they need people on the third part. it's a good sized band but not much wiggle space on changing stuff up. so i am fine playing third even if i am good enough to play harder parts... i'd rather the band be balanced than demand i play first or second part. you need good players on the easier stuff just as much as the hard stuff. other wise it just doesn't all come together right.

so yeah i dedicated this past week to clarinet and i think i will do the same with this coming week.

i need to prove to myself i can actually play. i am not satisfied yet. no where near satisfied. 

midnight reading again

I'm rereading prozac nation ...Got a TON of quotes pages flagged to type up from "prozac nation" I read it before but didn't mark it up and type up quotes.

I have a lot of stuff I need to type up right now. I found a printed collection of my old poetry that I do not have digitally anywhere and it might come in handy some day so I'm going to type it all out.

I also have quotes from "midnight in the garden of good and evil" to type out. Not as many but damn that is a good book!! I am dedicating 2023 to literature and the arts in general. 📚🎶🎨🪡🎺🎻🎭📽️🖼️

Feb 11, 2023

 This has been... a really bumpy ride for the start of the year.

my mental health deteriorated in december and continued through january. i didn't talk about it in detail but in retrospect it like like a slow motion car crash.

except the waves feelings and emotions piled up higher and higher and i couldn't get a grip on it. i couldn't sleep. i went two days without sleep. and finally crashed somehow. my sensory input was overwhelmed by even the slightest thing. and if i wasnt constantly doing something the sensory feed back would loop about every three seconds. like a record skipping.  

but then again i went another two days with no such luck.

i am up for trying anything if i ever get to that point again. electroshock therapy even. i'm not afraid of it. i think it might actually help.

my sleep cycle needs to get fixed or i get batshit, basically. i know that. everybody knows that. i make SURE everyone knows that just incase i get the batshits and they dont know why.

Bipolar is a really fucking hard thing to treat. Especially bipolar type 1

I had always toyed with the idea of writing a book about my life but i didn't want to be seen as someone just jumping on the bandwagon of Woe is Me autobiographies

but i have a large source of people saying that even as little as they know from knowing me online... that i should write a book.

the problem is i already have a book i want to write and i can't find the material i collected to start it. the pre writing and all that. characters. i thought it was in this one big note book we found in the second bedroom but when i looked in there it wasn't there? 

and then there's the poetry

i have enough poetry to publish a book. i have enough life story for a autobiography of some random internet eating disorder mental illness nut.

and then i have my novel that i think is crazy cool and i would really like to work on the most but i can't find the stuff i did. so i will have to pull it out of my brain again. which is fine, i just hoped the notes i made would be there so id have one less thing to do.

the easiest thing to get published in poetry. 

the autobiography will be crazy hard to write and not call out people. i think i will write about my life up until i met my husband. because that is the bulk of what is crazy interesting bizarre. when i met my husband my life smoothed out and calmed down. thank god.

if i hadn't met my husband i would have been dead by now.

He means the world to me and when i cant function and he has to take care of me it makes me feel really really bad. because that's not how it was supposed to be. i'm supposed to take care of him. 

at anyrate..

my NPR came through on my anxiety medication so i have a huge HUUUUUUUGE feeling of relief right now.

I also got food poisoning and was sick for almost three days.

so the not being able to sleep and going loopy eased up. i cooked a meal. chicken. undercooked it. gave myself food poisoning had no idea i had done it. sick for days in bed. sleeping.

which guess what

KIND OF RESET MY BRAIN

so here i am now

i had a psychotic mental break down, avoided the looney bin, got a stomach sickness that had me basically purging everything no food just meal shakes and water and i vomited that up too.

i slept for a day or so?

i can't really remember.

but here i am.

i took a mental breakdown and food poisoning and reset my brain with massive amounts of deep fever sleep.

so should i write a book or what? ahahaha

first book of 2023

Almost done with my first book of 2023. Have a lot of quotes to type up and add to my collection. Might not keep all of these but probably most of them.

I don't usually buy hardback books because I want to highlight my quotes and feel bad doing it in hardback books. But this was a special book. So I'm page marking, typing, then removing the markers. Might eventually buy a paperback and re read and mark up.

I have mixed feelings about marking up books but for me the books I read are usually study material for my existence. Like a textbook I buy but intend to keep and restudy. I collect books but it's for my personal weird pleasure. Not to show off to anyone.

However! I have bought quite a bit of quick easy paper back reads when I was on a reading binge but wasn't particular about what I read. Those I don't intend to keep. Usually don't mark up.

I guess If you're a bookworm you understand the levels and tiers of book reading and collecting and use and wants and needs lol

Everybody has their own thing they do

Unfortunately most of my books are unusable to anyone after I've had them. And I do feel bad about that in the long run because I know these books will greatly out live me. But the ones I mark up I feel like I have a relationship with.

However there are books I've read and re read many many times and are very much a park of my psyche (Orson Scott card stuff) and I have not marked up those because they are my dad's! I think I might have done one book a little and stopped because it felt down right sinful.

Idk if I will buy the cheap paper backs of those and mark them but I think I do want to read the ender's game and enders shadow stuff again. It's been so very long since I've read it. Highschool. Like a long long long time ago. before Orson Scott card got a movie deal finally done. (I was on a fan website and very much on top of knowledge on that getting done finally) 

Anyway really long post. This was originally a Facebook update.😂 idk why I blog anymore it just feels good. I usually get out the computer and physically type it which is great exercise to keep up.

That's another good reason to type out all these quotes. It's always gonna be good to be able to old school type.

And hand write stuff. Which I also do but my handwriting has gotten so very bad. I honestly need to probably do work on that too. Just to keep up ability.

happy new year! wednesday jan 4, 2023

 happy new year.

we are home and i have some personal new years goals. and some for me and my husband as a couple-- such as spending more time with his family.

i'm getting my clarinet fixed and i am going to join a community band. i missed sign up for the first spring concert but i should get my clarinet in time to do the second one if they take sign ups between concerts and not just at the start of semesters.

i am waiting until january 6th to take down my christmas decorations. i have bought a huge storage tub that i hope will hold the wreath and lights and ornaments an book shelf decorations. im throwing out the tinsel garland because its so cheap. i might store some of the gift bags and tissues paper in that same tub if i can manage it to keep it all together.

i have bought two out door decorations for valentines day but thats all for now.

i wanna decorate the top of the bookcase for every holiday and just the door and window outside for the holidays. christmas is the most extensive holiday i plan to do. also halloween. lol

stan got me a new book that i really wanted and i've started reading it. i dont wanna read it to fast because then it will be over.

i'm back on my "diet" i didn't gain much weight on the trip thankfully. but now that its over i seem to be stuck at this weight and im getting pretty upset. i will try lots of detox tea and do my daily miralax and stay on my meal plan but if it doesn't work i will have to change up something. either eat even less or fast or exercise a lot. i dont know yet

I saw my father in law and his wife. also my mother in law. both visits we were good and the visit with my MIL was so very just... down to earth and nice and a good time. i was in a good place mentally and it was so nice to share that part of myself with her because she doesn't get to see it that often.

my cat has been in love with my since we got back but we had a visitor monday and she brought her dog and that made her a bit unhappy in general. just more proof that we cant get another animal until she passes. and i feel bad because my husband wants a dog so very badly and i feel like its my fault he can't have one and it kind of is.

my dad has been sick since christmas and went back to the doctor a second time and tested positive for covid so i am keeping an eye on him. i told him he can't be trying to stick it out when he's stick anymore he needs to take is seriously if he doesn't get well and things last on after the initial meds from the doctor run out. i've told my mom the same thing. they have always put off going to the doctor and they just can't do that anymore. especially since i am not there. i can't handle it.

Some photos from the trip. Alabama Christmas 2022

This is my cousin (sister) who I can talk to about anything. ANYTHING. she is my person. Ride or die. Cradle to grave. ❤️

This photo is so very precious to me. This is my and Sky, the little girl I baby sat last year. I hadn't seen her in a year. She barely remembered me but she has such a big heart I was no stranger to her at all. I helped her eat her lunch at the restaurant and we talked about stuff. She asked me questions and I answered her. And she'd repeat it back to show she got it right and it was so cute. This photo was taken in the living room of our friends house (their newest baby sitting on the floor playing) I was showing sky the books my MIL bought for her (because she knew how much sky meant to me) and I showed sky the books and she...

 She has caught up so well with her learning. She was telling ME what was happening in the pictures in the book. In very excited ways that just made my heart sing. She is starting to grasp words as in reading but I don't think they've made it there quite yet. But she has a vocabulary and can talk and tell you things she is thinking and she asks so many questions... It's so precious. I just... I am almost crying typing this thinking about how much she grew in a year and how amazing it was to see her thriving.

me on the last day of the trip... At IHOP for my "last meal" as I have come to call it. 

We have trouble getting photos of Scarlett, she is mom and dads special needs deaf dog. She is just a quirky and adorable as ever. Always getting in to things she shouldn't be... Typical rascal dog behavior lol

Marleigh! My husband was most excited to see this big floof. She is so sweet and has these sad eyes that you can't say no to.

Aiden Hyde .... He is doing so much better than I thought he would after we left. He's actually changed a lot in good ways. Maybe my little miss Lilly was intimidating him too much to let his inner personality show but dad and mom adore him now.

I post this solely because you can see my dad in his natural habitat. Cowboy boots and all 😂🥰

dad (behind the walker) and family

The hand crafted one of a kind lamp my dad made for my husband from a bourbon bottle. My dad is awesome not gonna lie. Better pics will be posted elsewhere.

Me in the elevator of the hotel we stayed in. If I look closely at this picture I THKNK I can see two gray hairs!!! Lolol that would catch me up with my two cousins (three of us bor that one year. Both of them have tons of gray hair already and I'm just over here like 🤷🤷🤷Idk y'all?)

Me in the hotel room mirror. Idk why but hotel mirror pics will always be a thing for me

this is a out HALF of what we packed for the trip lol. Not counting gifts and Stan's suitcase and some bags of assorted things.

Alabama Christmas vacation part one

Alabama Christmas 2022

Monday night

Ok I planned on making more mini updates on my phone and clumping them together and making a big update after we got back from Alabama. But I didn't write anything for Saturday or Sunday… so I will do that now.

Saturday was the drive down and it was pretty good. We went a different way then we'll usually go and it took us through the very top edge of Georgia. The drive was so much easier that I think I will be able to drive myself back home to visit my family. So basically just don't drive through Nashville y'all. Just don't do it. Lol. 

Sunday was the Reynolds tribe family Christmas and it was pretty much the same. Lots of chaos and people and food and jokes and people drinking beer on the not so down low. 

I got to see my cousin who is basically my sister and I needed that so badly. I didn't spend as much time with her as I could have but! I am seeing her on Tuesday. So she gets a special visit from me.

I saw my aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins. And it's just a LOT OF PEOPLE.

I kind of kept to myself at the gathering and I think it was because I was subconsciously trying to protect myself from the anxiety I'd have if I just threw myself into the center of the attention and chaos. Like I had a self preservation type thing. Which is good. It's like my brain is setting boundaries for my own safety? And I didn't feel pressed to interact more … maybe because I have work on therapy stuff or my anxiety medication helped me calm down. So I could just sit and take it in and not be… idk.

I feel like I kind of half assed my family Christmas. Like I didn't talk to anyone as much as I wanted to? I should have talked to people more?  But they didn't make a huge effort to talk to me either. And they know I have anxiety so maybe it was them try to be nice to me but I actually wanted to interact more and didn't have the capacity to tell them. I was just… there.

Anyway..

Now it's Monday night.

I slept in late this morning and I am mad about it because I didn't mean to and that kinda set the tone for the whole day.

But anyway… we got dressed and got good went to the grocery store for stuff to cook at mom and dads. Because I wanted to have a home cooked meal ready for them when they got home from work. Because mom doesn't do that anymore she is working herself. 

So we did the shopping. Went by the storage unit to measure the desk and book shelves and some stuff because we need to move it all up to Kentucky this coming year. Sooner rather than later. We are going to have to get another storage unit in KY because we have too much stuff for our apartment. Especially if we wanted to make the second bedroom livable. Right now it is basically a storage closet.

Ah anyway we get to my parents house and we see the dogs and my husband just… goes nuts with happiness. He loves dogs and loves marleigh so much (she's my parents husky mix) and there were lots of cuddles and pets and scratches given to the marleigh. We also got to see Scarlett.. she is deaf. Special needs dog and she is just as quirky and random as ever.

I got to see my oldest cat Aiden Hyde… he is a senior kitty. He's 15 years old.

My Miss Lilly is 10 years old.

Anyway

We chilled and played with the doggos until it was time to start cooking dinner. 

My husband is so so so very good at what he does. He fried chicken and it was so good!

It was nice to be able to dry food and the smoke alarm not go off every five mins like it does at our apartment lol

We had dinner done for mom and dad (more or less) and mom got home before dad so she helped us fix a little extra food for my brother's girlfriends son. It was pretty complicated so MANY things being cooked in the kitchen at the same time. But we managed it.

My husband was a saint about this dinner with my parents brother. I am Grateful he was willing to cook for them. I know how hard it is sometimes. And I appreciate it very much. It meant a lot.

We did our gift exchange.

Mom and dad got their his and her blankets cause they talked about not having blankets to cuddle up on the recliners in the living room. Mom and dad got me some AMAZING journals and notebooks and stuff and I am so excited to use them. I want to use them for something special. I think I might start up a dream journal. Just write down my dreams every morning.

My dad made my husband the most amazing unique hand crafted lamp… out of a bourbon bottle. I will have to attach pictures of it to this blog post. later

Unfortunately we are being up more stuff that we left down here because mom is pushy about getting the house cleaned out. So we are working on getting a new storage unit in KY and having one here to put the stuff from the second bedroom and the Alabama unit.. and then We can actually decorate and use the second bedroom instead of it just being full of boxes. Which would make it so much easier to have friends come over and stay the night. Or anything really.

Today is now Tuesday December 20, 2022

And we are laying around until my husband has to do fucking WORK ON HIS VACATION. BECAUSE THE RADIO STATION IS INCOMPETENT AND ITS GONNA CHANGE. SYARTED IN JANUARY. NEW NYEAR NEW RULES. That's the plan anyway.

After he does his work in Alabama on the road on vacation in a hotel we will be going to see my cousin which is probly the best part of the trip ngl.

I'm gonna post this. I'm surprised I even got one half of the blogging done already. I have a lot more to say obvioisly but this is a good start.