wednesday november 30, 2022

 i havent been updating because not much has been happening other than me trying to lose weight and find purpose in my life.

decorating for the holidays has come in handy but after thats over i will need something else to fill the void and we are trying to get my clarinet fixed so i can join a community band in the new year.

my car needed a lot of maintenance just now so that really bothered me because i have a weird anxiety about not having freedom to go places even though it makes me anxious to go to NEW places, i can handle the places i have been to before and have become comfortable with which is as always will be hobby lobby, dollar tree, and walmart. so that is the extent of my adventuring for now.

if i get into a community band i will have to drive to rehearsals and what not so that will be a thing.

the whole telehealth thing because of covid is really great and all but it makes people like me isolate even more when we have nothing to go out into the world for. like its kind of sick and twisted. the theleheatlth is thriving on us right now like...a parasite?

anyways i havent slept much the past two days and i feel really speedy and i think i might be hypo manic. i need to slow down and sleep and im gonna have to take a lot of OTC sleep medicine for that because it doesnt acutally as well as the prescription i was getting with my old doctor and the new one wont let me have it because i was on anxiety medication and now.. the NEW doctor that replaced that one told me that she doesn't even prescribe anxiety medication like that and like wtf. i have to find a new doctor probably and it was so hard to find the one i had in the first place and i just NEED A LITTLE HELP from someone to get this all straightened out before i run out of anxiety medication refills altogether????

i am excited to be going back to alabama in mid december and i hope the trip goes well but i am so anxious about food and driving and social stuff and i dont have enough medicine for the anxiety probably so i can't take it in the mean time to try and have some in december and just

ITS A LOT AND I AM TRYING MY BEST

Sat november 5, 2022

 So today is a binge day. cheat day. whatever you wanna call it day. i am eating so much and i know i will regret it tomorrow and for days.

my husband and i are having an off day today. our plans didn't work out because I didn't feel like it and then he didn't either and now we are just at home. 

I feel like i ruined his day but he says its not me. D=

idk

i'm counting down the days until i go see my parents and my family. 

i decorated the apartment and the patio for harvest/thanksgiving/november and i've start getting small christmas decorations but i dont wanna get a bunch of stuff for the tree until i know exactly how big or small it is and we are getting it from my mother in law so we dont know yet. it's something she has and is giving to us.

i'm not sure if i wanna do a theme for the tree. they have sets of decorations that are all... pink. or purple. or red and green. or gold and blue. all different options. but i really feel like i just wanna get what ever ornaments feel cute to me at the time. a mixture of stuff. maybe get a special ornament for Lilly and like... a hello kitty one. or a baby yoda one. i had some ornaments from when i did a small tree in my bedroom in my mid 20s but they're lost or something. i had a white glittery owl and a hello kitty one and i bought one of those "baby's first christmas" customizable ornaments the first christmas we had Lilly. really wish i could find that one the most. i got it when i was dating someone else but its still special because she was my baby then and shes still my baby now.

other random sometimes stupid ornaments. i can't even remember them. 

i keep forgetting that there's a fake tree that was nana's at my brothers house and the cardboard had been covered in cat piss so... idk if the tree smells horrible or not. if it doesn't i'd like to salvage the tree and get another container for it. just because it was nana's. 

i bought to strands of christmast lights. they say they're 19 feet long a piece so lol.. that should be plenty for a smaller sized tree and also for outside decorations on the patio, however i didn't check to see if the lights are safe for outdoor use so ugh. i might just have to indoor strands and tack the second strand to the walls of the livingroom in a design. maybe make the outline of a tree on the dining room wall area or something.

if i had a good ladder i would line the wall where the wall meets the ceiling in some part of the livingroom. hell maybe even the bedroom because i love christmas lights as nightlights. i hate sleeping in the dark.

wednesday oct 19, 2022

 nothing much is happening.

my husband and i are dieting.

i'm obsessing about decorating for the holidays because that's pretty much all i have to look forward to.

i've told my mom about when we will be available and traveling to see everyone in december. and i told her to tell my family that they either need to figure out a day for the family gathering that works for us or plan to see us sometime on another day we are there. we waited for them to tell us a day for the gathering and they wont pin down a day and i know it's really early but we have a lot to schedule around.

it comes down to a if you want to see me you need to make an effort because i am making am effort by coming back to visit and i dont know i'm just getting really bad feelings about it. and its supposed to be a good thing to go home and visit family. especially on holidays times and like... i'm just getting really upset about it. i can't enjoy it. and i cant enjoy being away from them either so i'm just... i have no joy anymore. yet again. despite the new medicine. despite the increase in the new medicine. 

i am crying a lot lately and i dont know what to do about it.

i'm afraid to tell my psychologist.

my psychiatrist left or was let got of the place i was so i have to start over with someone new there who apparently doesnt plan on prescribing me my anxiety medication so i will probably also have to find a new mental health place.

so like yeah nothing is happening but bad stuff is happening i dont know.

happy halloween

sept 28, 2022 ---wednesday

Last weekend my husband and I went to red lobster for a dinner date on saturday and that was lovely, i was able to find something on the menu that i felt ok eating.

on sunday we met his grandmother for her birthday at a restaurant, and since i'm in some sort of a relapse on my eating disorder it was a very tough time for me. this restaurant  didn't have their calories on the menu and the portion sizes were iffy but i managed to handle it... i wasn't very pleasant and i feel bad because i know i ruined his grandmothers birthday.  i love his grandmother and if it wasn't that we dont know how many more birthdays she will be around for... i would have probably skipped the gathering because of how i am lately because of food. but i didn't want to miss what could be the last time she has a little party on her birthday. and i'm sorry i was such a downer with my mood and irritability. the restaurant and noise and food was just a lot for me at that time.

i was much better on the day before, saturday. 

i think maybe it was that is was two days in a row.

this weekend we are meeting my husband's father for lunch on saturday so i have another hurdle i have to jump over... and then hopefully nothing else troubling until the holidays???

i have been cooking dinner every night for weeks now and i am so happy!

i really enjoy the meal planning on sunday and the organization of it all. it makes me feel useful and happy!

I ended up cancelling my endoscopy because of the bill they were going to send us. I am doing mostly ok with the medications I am taking right now so I just need to meet the Gastroenterologist to tell her what is happening and to get her to write refills of the medications she has prescribed me. i ended up re trying another over the counter medicine and it seems to be working with my new diet (i'm eating less and avoiding reflux aggravating foods) so i think i can manage on what i am taking now. if i have any new pain or anything i will let them know but i think i am ok. and not doing that endoscopy is going to save us a LOT of money. i cant even imagine spending that much money on a test to tell me when i know i already have just because i am at a new doctor. i dont know.

my husband has been dieting and is doing great and i am so proud of him!!! i hope he can keep it up, i will do my best to cheer him on if i can.

i have a lot of house cleaning to do on friday to make sure the apartment looks ok saturday.

the weather has been amazing here lately. nice and cool. a little breezy. i've been trying to go for walks every afternoon if i can. sometimes i see people who make me nervous and i end up coming back inside. but i've just been walking on the sidewalks around the apartment complex. for about 20 mins at a time. should go up to 30 mins but i just get really paranoid that people are watching me. and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

i've been having trouble falling asleep lately. i dont know what to do. i need better ear plugs or something maybe

thursday sept 8, 2022

 so the dieting is going ok. I've lost some weight and i haven't had many big binge days so far. i just hope i can keep it up.

this friday is my wedding anniversary. SIX YEARS!!! i have never been so happy. it's been a rough ride but it's been the best six years of my life and i am so excited for our future. on saturday we are going out to another bigger city and having a nice dinner somewhere and going to a book store or a mall or something. 

i'm supposed to not count calories on that day but i am going to have a really hard time not counting. like i will eat more than my diet meal plan. definitely. it's a special day. a very special day. but i will be counting the calories. plus the app we use to manage our dieting congratulates us when we have a streak of logging calories every day. haha. so its like... do i wanna lose my streak? no.

i feel like i'm not doing enough house work lately but... next week is the first week in months that i have ZERO appointments. so i will make a point to deep clean the house next week,

one thing that has really been bothering me is my dentist his a nerve in my tongue with the lidocaine needle to numb my mouth for filling cavities. and its stayed numb for over a week. it's still numb now.... BUT it's not as numb as it was before so it's getting better. i've looked it up and he told me also so i know that it must be true that the odds of permanent  damage as astronomical. like so very slim that i shouldn't even be worrying about it but i am a worrier.

plus one thing about me dieting is i really want my food to taste intense and... i can't taste things properly because my taste buds on the left side of my tongue aren't working properly. so i keep wanting to eat more to find something to satisfy my need to TASTE SOMETHING. it's incredibly frustrating. but i am managing. plus it getting better now. i just hope it doesn't stop. it needs to completely heal or i will definitely lose my mind.

i've been decorating my planner and journal and making art collages. I even made myself two bracelets.

I'm trying to stay busy as much as I can.

OH i got a library card finally and checked out a book. the library is small so i'm a little disappointed. but it's better than nothing. the book i got is a collection of shot stories by Neil Gaiman and i need to put some more effort into reading it. however it isn't due until october 4th so i have some time.

here's some photos from recently

my hair is like a magnificent lions main and i wanna cut it but i also dont wanna cut it. lol

i have predecorated my planner because i love it and need something to do. here is decembers monthly view

here is a week in november. i know my planner isn't a nice and neat as everyone elses but i dont care very much i do it for me. <3 

Wednesday August 24, 2022 -- HUMP DAYYYYY

 Not very much has changed. The world is still on fire lol

bought this for my husband to put on his desk at work. it's a candle from dollar tree (costs $3 or $5 can't remember. its their new higher quality stuff) we will trim the wick off the top so it looks like a normal skull

here is a collage of my art journal magazine collages haha. i was bored and needed something to do.

this was a few weeks ago but i felt pretty that day?

we are working on getting my car title in my husbands name.. and it tagged and everything here set up for good. buying a car across state lines while needing a new tag the same month is crazy. and they want so many notary things done. we are little having to take photos of documents and signing them and send them back and forth between my parents and us (my parents are selling us the car) and the court house says it will work so.... ok.... seem shady but if they say it'll work its fine i guess.

I'm doing pretty good with my mood and house work and my anxiety isnt that bad.

My husband and I are still dieting. I'm on a very slippery slope with my calorie counting and obsession. we shall see what happens with my eating disorder issues

It's gonna take a lot of work to keep myself eating enough but not too much or too little. have ed-nos (now know as atypical anorexia) is a very strange thing

i just bought new washi tape. and then i bought some more. the first batch was just for fun cause i thought they were adorable. the second stuff was for decorating my planner and journal for christmas and november. i will probably need more november sticks because i used almost all of the ones i bought.

i hope i can find some cheap halloween sticks for october. i already have my black cat washi in my planner and orange washi but i want some jack-o-lanterns and pumpkins to add to my fall leaves that i bought for november. the normal pumpkins can be used for october and november because of harvest and thanksgiving.

here's my november planner layout spread with the washi and autumn stickers

the christmas stuff and some fall stickers

and now that i have my photos backing up to google like i should have been and i've figured out how to use this properly... i can pull images from my phone photos google gallery and add them to my posts! 

here are my stickers and washi tape!!!!

i need more fall/halloween sticks. i went to hobby lobby and they dont do halloween because they're Christian owned *eye roll* but they have great stuff for thanksgiving and fall and harvest season stuff

I guess I am done with this entry. I had more to say than i thought I did when I started. lol

Thursday August 11, 2022

so the world is on fire but we are still living obviously.

I got my medication adjusted and i am doing better. 

my weight has gotten out of hand so i am dieting and trying to do it healthy and proper and not relapse on my eating disorder. its going to be hard. my husband is dieting with me to so maybe that will help. we both need to take better care of ourselves.

its hard to try and eat enough to be considered healthy and not too little to be a restrictive diet that could lead to me relapsing.

i've been playing a game and its been helpful to take up my time during the day. it's a very cute game but the game play isn't that great. i have a lot of complaints with it and i know now better what i want in a game so next time i purchase one i will go online and look at reviews to make sure the game is a right fit for me.

my husband and i bought tshirt that say "kentucky strong" on them and to proceeds go to help the flood victims. there was a horrible historical level flood event here recently and its absolutely devastating. the photos from the flood look like the photos after hurricane katrina's flood levy fail and flooded all the neighborhoods. it happened between midnight and dawn so it was all in the dark. basically if you didn't have a weather radio or your phone set for alert you didnt even know it was coming. it is such a horrible thing and it's just another things to add to the list of horrible things that have happened in the past few years.

I am trying to be better about the house work. 

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I've not been washing my face and doing my skin care routine but I have an app that I have set goals and reminders on so I hope that will help me remember to do these things. I paid for the full version of the app to unlock all the feature so I am making sure i use it to its fullest extent. Its basically a mood journal and habit tracker and goal tracker. it very neat and ive been using the free version daily for over almost 200 days and i've used it in the past for long streaks of time so i figured it might be a good investment for me if it's helping me keep motivated to do my daily things.

my parents are supposed to come up here and visit in the next month or so and i am excited. i haven't seen them since January and I miss my dad very very much.

I recently got some work done on my car and it was the first time i've done that because my dad has always been the only person to work on my cars so its was like.... do i trust this person with my baby? lol