Wednesday, May 17, 2023

copy pasta from facebook

I just forced myself to do all the self care. Shower. Shaved my legs with the good razor. Used the good shampoo and conditioner.  Hair oil (coconut oil ... much needed!) On braided towel dried hair to dry. Face care (moisturizer with salicylic acid because I have oily face skin)  Body moisturizer with the hemp seed oil lotion I love so much. But when I run out of this i am going back to my staple of queen Helene Cocoa butter lotion. Because that stuff is just.. never lets me down. 

I didn't think I'd make it through the shower but my husband suggested I use the shower chair and I am so glad I did. I had the energy left over to do the things I needed to do for self care.
Showers have always been very hard for me since the depression got so bad. I don't know what it is about them... I just get very exhausted when I'm done. So I dread taking them. Since I dont need to wash my hair much I take baths a lot and rinse off after. But when I do shower it's.. very exhausting. And the length of my hair does not help AT ALL..

Ahh anyway I am clean and moisturized. I have already practiced clarinet.

I did not go walking today because I have started an increased dose of metformin and I don't know how it will do me yet and I didn't want to have a blood sugar crisis out in public. So... Maybe on Friday I will start my walking at the mall. I don't have music on my phone. But I have iHeartRadio and they are usually good enough for me. I don't think I need a tailored get pumped up playlist for my walking 😂

I spent most of this afternoon sewing a patch onto my canvas cross body bag because I don't trust iron on patches. I have bought a lot of stuff for pride month and I am already wearing everything. I have friends. Family. And I just.... Think equality for all is the goal it's.. THE GOAL.. It's... The goal. It should be standard like I don't even know why there is any questions or doubts. 
People are cruel. and I hate it. Learn to love other people despite your differences. It says a lot about you when you can't. Just putting that out there.

Thanks for coming to my tab talk 

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

I hate doctors

Went to the doctor today....

Doc thinks my forgetting everything all the time is memory problems from sleep apnea

So I will get a sleep study

Which he already asked for but never heard anything

So we asked for it again
I'm gonna end up with a CPAP machine.. And still cognitive memory problems basically 

But they have to rule out everything before they diagnose me with... Anything??? You know? Hoops to jump through. Expensive tests. So much hate for this. I don't even know anymore 

I took pictures because I dressed up haha... I always have mean face. So that is a thing.

Tuesday, May 2, 2023

short update

Retail therapy. All my food is eaten in bowls now. And I am tired of washing the same three bowls over and over. 

Also two of them are vintage pyrex and should probably be stored away somewhere safe. They are very special to my husband.

I also allowed myself to buy new gym shorts in a size smaller. Which is a huge deal because I do not see myself as smaller at all. I lost weight last fall and have managed to keep it off. I still need to lose a lot of weight because of diabetes (which is part of what Infuriates me. I lost almost 40 lbs before they even caught it and diagnosed me so what was my A1C before that? Idek)but I have been wearing shorts that fall off me if I don't have a drawstring cinched up tight. Same with blue jean shorts and my cute little formal looking (imo) khaki shorts. I bought belts but I bought them too big because my mind doesn't see my body right.  Stan is gonna help me punch new holes in them. I don't think I have a big enough need or thimble to protect my thumb when I push hard enough on a needle anyway.
 and the gym shorts I bought are still too big so I could have gotten two sizes smaller. 😠😂

Sunday, April 23, 2023

Sunday morning thoughts

This afternoon is my band concert y'all please keep me in your thoughts. I am comfortable with the people I'm with but at a new venue and new things and I am really anxious. Also about playing because they stream the concert and record it. Ughhh. Pressure is so high. Also I am wearing dress black for the concert and it's all new clothes and shoes. Which I am always uncomfortable about. I'm about to get a shower and start laundry because I need to do it early in the day.

Also this evening I am supposed to catch the neighborhood cat me and my neighbor have been feeding because she got him a vet appt for Monday morning and it's to get him fixed and he can't eat the night before and the only way to make sure is to catch him Sunday night and he usually visits me every evening. But he didn't this morning unless I  slept through it so I will let her know he was missing this morning. We have made friends over helping this little man get some good loving care. He seems to be doing well as a stay outdoor cat. He's not even really a stray we know he has many people feeding him and some people have outdoor beds set out so I know he is sleeping somewhere on someone's porch. He's our neighborhood Tom cat. 😺 He makes the rounds. He does sit outside her door and look in at her cats too. I know he would like a home to go into for a bit each day maybe at night but he does seem very happy being able to roam. And I'd hate to take that away from a free spirited being.

Speaking of that my baby Aiden Hyde back in Alabama is going outside for a few hours a day and absolutely loves I'm he is THRIVING. I miss him but I am so happy he is doing so very well in my absence. He has taken up with my dad very much and sits with him all evening in the living room and now he even sleeps in bed with my parents most nights. He never did that before so I am glad he is being loved so very much. I was afraid he wouldn't be but it makes my heart sing to hear how good he is doing. I raised him from a kitten he must have been maybe five weeks old he was so tiny and alone he was found randomly outside our house in Alabama in 2007 or 2008 I can't remember and he was the one thing after I left college early that kept me going for so very long. Which is why it was so hard to leave him. But I had been away from him for periods of time over the years so I knew he could handle it.

Anyway. Today is a big day for me so please say a little prayer. Concert isn't at 3pm EST for y'all in Alabama who wanna get your prayers in on time 🤣🤣🤣🤣 lol there IS A deadline. Lolol jk 

I love everyone thank you for coming to my Sunday morning tab talk

Sunday, April 9, 2023

more diag-non sense

so i went to the doctor to get a check up on my iron levels, just had bloodwork done and my glucose was high so my doctor decided to check my A1C. My A1C is 9.5 so I am type 2 diabetic.
I feel really overwhelmed. because i had just lost 35 lbs last fall and i know i’m still overweight but i am angry as fuck
Because I have to work even harder. And lose more and yeah i know i am fat in the present but i was somewhat happy.

I got a glucose meter and my blood sugar is off the charts high. Even fasting in the morning it’s high.

I’m taking metformin and it's not really in my system and I can't remember if he said to double the dose after a week– I think he did but its not written anywhere and I can't remember. I will call on monday when the office is open
The other medicine is very expensive and my insurance wants us to get a “Prior Authorization” which is apparently hard
We need to call the insurance and ask what they will cover in the same family as ozempic and try that but the pharmacist said the alternatives are expensive too. So idk what is gonna happen

The metformin isn't in my system good yet. So my blood sugar is high,

But my blood sugar did crash in Walmart yesterday. So i don't know what is going on..just have to wait and see what happens with the metformin for now

I had to sit down and fortunately had bought something I could eat before I tried to get up and go to my car and drive.

I ordered a medical bracelet that says type 2 diabetes. Because I have had issues with this before now. Random blood sugar crashes. But i wasn’t diagnosed so idk. I am going to keep glucose tablets in my purse I guess.

Thursday, March 30, 2023

bipolar notes in the middle of the night

My sleep schedule is off again. I'm wide awake at 2am. I guess I will read books. I need to get on a normal schedule or my bipolar rears its ugly head. And I am just now getting myself socially active and doing stuff. I do not have time for this. Ugh. Melatonin needs to work it's magic. I'm only taking 5mg. I could go to 10…? On nights I am feeling very amped up Maybe? I see my psychiatrist next Tuesday so maybe she can help me figure something out. She hasn't done any changes to my meds and melatonin is just a otc supplement but she might know of something better or just... Anything really idk. I don't wanna take something that makes me groggy the next day because I have such low energy and it makes me stay in bed and I hate it. I am trying to combat the energy problem with iron and vitamins so. But just started that up don't know how well it will work...
Hopefully it will work. I will tell my doctor and we can hopefully work it out with my blood work results I am seeing him on Monday. So next week... 
Monday is blood work evaluation. Tuesday is psychiatrist medicine appointment

This is a word vomit novel. 

There is so much going on that is GOOD for me and I am also struggling in secret about stuff that I don't want people to know about.  It's just built up trauma and self worth issues tied into my appearance or how I look or dress or my body and it's a huge mess. I haven't really tackled that part of my issues. And it's balled up and coming down on me hard right now. 
So I have that going on with the social anxiety thing but I am doing good with that in some ways. But the other stuff seems to outshine the good and that makes me feel really crappy.
Idk who is reading this I'm mostly writing just for me. So if you're out there thank you for reading about my stupid little life.

Sunday, March 12, 2023

I joined a band!

 It has been so long since I have played clarinet with a band. or played at all.

So Last sunday I went to rehearsal and it was just a play through of everything. I absolutely could not play a note at all. I just sat there holding my clarinet. I cried a little. I was so overwhelmed. I knew I could play the music but... I couldn't.

So I spent this past week practicing every day. most days twice a day.

I did better at this rehearsal but I am still only at like 50% of my ability. and i could probably get even better if i kept pushing myself. I have natural talent and I just ... i dont think i tapped into my whole potential.

I don't really have anywhere to go with my playing but this band but even just this will be such a good thing for me.

I would think about asking to play second clarinet or first in the future but The 3rd part is challenging already. I know I'll get better and it will become easy but... with this band they need people on the third part. it's a good sized band but not much wiggle space on changing stuff up. so i am fine playing third even if i am good enough to play harder parts... i'd rather the band be balanced than demand i play first or second part. you need good players on the easier stuff just as much as the hard stuff. other wise it just doesn't all come together right.

so yeah i dedicated this past week to clarinet and i think i will do the same with this coming week.

i need to prove to myself i can actually play. i am not satisfied yet. no where near satisfied.