Sept 20, 2021

 So the best thing that's happened is that I got to see the girl I was baby sitting.

When she saw me she said "HEY TAB TAB"

and my heart melted.

she wanted to sit with me and let me hold her and she played with me.

I'm trying to get myself on a house work schedule so I dont lose my mind but it's monday and I'm not even on it yet and it's noon.

I am slowly trying to put together my fall wardrobe but it's just my usual tanks and button ups and jeans and boots. I have a tan skirt that i might wear with tights and boots if i can get some new tights. And another problem is my boots are so worn out I dont know if I wanna wear them. lol

fall gifs

 

Friday Sept 10, 2021

 So much has happened this week, I cant even begin to talk about it. And a lot of it i WONT be talking about because its private business.

The happy note of the week is that yesterday, September 9 was mine and my husband's wedding anniversary.

FIVE YEARS!!!!!

We celebrated with delicious pizza and watching the newest episode of Marvel's "What If...?" show

we thought about going out to eat somewhere nice, but i think we both decided that after everything that's happened this week we should just keep things normal this year.

on top of the events of this week, our anniversary was the day of my pawpaw's funeral last year. so that is also a negative note.

This week is basically cursed. And last week two as far as that goes. Cursed from August 28 until sometime next week basically. lol CURSED I TELL YOU.

one of the few things I can talk about is how I wont be baby sitting anymore and its... kind of devastating.

I dont know what i'm going to do with my time or my days, i dont know how i will stay sane. I've just been sleeping this week since we havent baby sat at all and wont be from now on.

I can still see the little girl, she is the daughter of a friend. but i won't get to be an actual part of her life anymore. and its really... its really upsetting. I had grown so attached to her... the funny things she does, the way she says "tab tab" or the adorable way she loves this one little stuffed animal we have here, it's a monkey. and she goes "MONKEY" and we ask her wheres monkey and she gets distraught and all looking for it like oh no where is he and its so precious. She puts monkey to "nite nite" when its bed time and its just... all these little things she does has filled my heart up with so much love and now i dont know what i'm gonna do without her being here most of the week.

I haven't let myself have an actual good cry over it. I've cried but not a real ugly good mind clearing cry.

My plan is to wait a week or two and visit her and take her the monkey stuffed animal and surprise her with it and visit her.

Tuesday August 31, 2021

 So this is a particularly hard time of year for me, and my family.

August 28  was the death anniversary of my nana's passing (four years ago now)

And then Sept 5th, will be one year since pawpaw died last year.

And this week we are doing quite a bit. I am going to try to make myself think of these things as a DISTRACTION from the bad feels and rather not.... a burden to bear on top of them.

On friday we are meeting old friends in town for dinner. And saturday is football game day-- so obviously there will be a cookout.

My husband and I will move our grocery shopping to Sunday morning because doing it on saturday morning would be horrible given all the people who will be buying stuff for their own saturday football cookouts.

And then the little girl we baby sit will be coming sunday afternoon.

But all I can seem to focus on is death and my grandparents being gone.

I'm sleeping a lot, crying, I'm either eating too much or not enough--- the usual I guess.

As of today I have been logging my calories for 100 days in a row!!!!! Whether I over ate or under ate ... I logged my calories for 100 days straight.

I posted this yesterday on FB but here you go

 Let me tell y'all what happened yesterday.

So I was supposed to have a telehealth psych visit at 10am.

So I log in and sit there.

I wait.

At 10:35 I leave and call the office. She tells me he's running behind and to go wait longer.

So I go log in again and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

At 11:30 I call back.

Get told to wait some more.

I wait for THREE HOURS. SITTING THERE WITH MY PHONE. STARING AT MY PICTURE VIDEO FEED THUMBNAIL AND WAITING FOR MY DOCTOR.

THREE HOURS.

it took me calling like four times. Getting put on hold a few times. To finally find out that.... Oh... My psych decided to not do telehealth anymore.

And I wasn't informed

They actually confirmed my visit on Friday. And even sent me the usual text to join the telehealth site. Like nothing had changed.

So I finally get a hold of a worker who had some kind of sense and she set me up with a nurse practitioner for telehealth today who... May or may not be able to write all my prescriptions because I take controlled substances (for anxiety and insomnia) and some practitioners can't legally prescribe those but I guess ill find out today.

On top of this I have therapy on telehealth an hour before the nurse. So I'll be on my phone for two hours today.

This is the second time in the last month that the place I go to for mental health has fucked up. And I'm having PTSD flash backs from the times in the past where the place I went before kept screwing me over and I had no other options for my treatment so I had to keep putting up with it.

Can you imagine sitting on your phone waiting for a doctor for three hours only to end up calling the office three or four times to finally find out your doctor won't see you unless you drive 1.5 hours for a 10 min visit just to get your medicine and then go home. Because that what I'm expected to do now. Unless the practitioner can help me.

And if I don't get my med script on time I'll run out of medication. So there's that too.

And please don't tell me to try another doctor office. We literally looked everywhere in Tuscaloosa county and there is no where. That why we resorted to Birmingham in the first place.

SAT AUGUST 14, 2021

 my husband and I have the house to ourselves for a full whole weekend 

its the first time in ages we've been alone for the weekend

its very nice

the little one we babysit comes on Monday-- that's why we have a weekend, and my parents aren't coming because they're on vacation.

Thursday August 5, 2021 -- HAPPY AUGUST

 WELLLLLL HELLOOOO

I have been sick for almost a week. I went monday and got tested for Covid--- negative 

then i went to the doctor because I knew I was sick but didn't know with what or how bad it might be. I just had/have a very bad sinus infection. They prescribed me a ridiculously strong antibiotic and gave me a steroid shot.

and about three ... well, four week ago now, I fell and hurt my arm. I thought it would get better on its own, but I eventually went to the doctor and found out I have fractured my arm. 

I have never fractured or broken anything in my entire life, so i guess you can say I hit a milestone in life. lol

The fracture is a non-displaced one, and had started healing by the time I went to the doctor (I waited three weeks because I was so convinced it was nothing) 

if i had went sooner i'd have been in an arm sling for a while but they told me that by three weeks out i didn't need one unless it was hurting particularly bad. So I didn't purchase one. waste of money at that point, in my opinion.

Anyway, So just yesterday my husband had oral surgery and it turned out to be a bigger deal than we ever thought it would be. We are in a wait and see what happens situation with his recovery. But he made it through and is ok, worried but he is ok all in all, i think I've done my best to try and take care of him. I've cooked him meals and brought him what he needed until he decided he didn't need me so much lol

I TRIED TO BE A GOOD NURSE lol

I let him have the bed to himself for the first night and I will again tonight. I mean, sometimes its just nice to be able to roll all around on the bed for a night or two and not worry about disturbing someone you're sleeping next to. And we have spare beds right now.

And at the same time as this, we have been baby sitting the little girl we watch for two days straight-- her father had some doctor stuff and they needed us to keep her.

She has been good, very goofy. She is learning more words and small phrases. I think the cutest thing she says right now is.. when she drops something from her highchair is says "uh oh i drop" and i can't not smile. it is so adorable

This month there are a LOT of birthdays. My friend Alaina, Martin, Mom, my brother, my friend John, and my late pawpaw just to name a few. There are many more. it seems like there are a ton of birthday in August and April. 

I've been watching Downton Abbey (finally) and I am ADDICTED to it.

I watch it and make jewelry (nothing complicated, because I want to be able to pay attention)

I'm still playing Animal Crossing, but I haven't played Stardew Valley in a few weeks.

I'm still dieting. I've lost 28 pounds. 

WOW THATS SO MUCH MORE THAN I REALIZED UNTIL JUST NOW.

I've been logging my calories in an app called "Lose It" for... what is it, 73 days now? I have to keep doing it because I've challenged myself to do it to at least 100 days straight. even if i have a "bad" day and eat too much. Still keeping track is important.

I finished a journal tuesday night. I started it in January. It was a very cute one... the cover was little watercolor images of cacti and succulents in cute little pots.

my new one is just plain hot pink.

I've started doing journal prompts. usually of the therapeutic or soul searching kind. like "what give you joy" and "what should you let go of?"

Also writing in some nice inspiration or amusing quotes, Using some stickers. might do some doodles in there.

Journaling is good for me. therapeutic and helps me remember things--- just like my planner and this blog. 

I also need projects like this blog and my planner and such to keep myself going. There are times I have so little to do or look foreward to. It gets me in bad feelings a lot.

The next big things are... my wedding anniversary in Sept, and then we will go to visit my husband's mother and his family in November.

I'm sure there's more but off the top of my head I can't think of anything else.

my my, i think this might be one of my longer blog posts in a while!!!