Ok.... So. My husband is amazing

My wonderful husband has done so much for me lately. He got my car fixed. He bought replacement controllers for the Nintendo switch because the only thing that seems to make me happy is gaming. And it doesn't even make me happy. It just passes time. Until I go to sleep again.

He is trying so hard to make me happy and I am so depressed and I feel... Guilty. Because I want to do and be better but I just..... cant. I dont know how to explain it.. my mind is dark and twisty (to quote Grey's anatomy) ...and we know I have to try new medication...  I am so hesitant to try anything after the last time we tried those two meds that were so horrible... But I am going to have to try something new... Something else... Because this is not.... Idk. Anyway we will attempt a new medication soon (appt Feb 19 next Tues for that and also therapy) but I am just barely hanging on here.

I know I've said that before but it's bad bad bad. And I'd probably benefit from a stay at the psych hospital at this point but I don't wanna go that's the absolutely last thing I will ever do.

I wish I could see my therapist every week  but it's so far. I could drive it now that my car is fixed. I mean it would be a feat but I could probably do it. And Stan wouldn't have to take off work? Maybe he could just go when I see the psychiatrist. And I can go alone when I see the therapist.

Oh my I keep thinking up these things and I know I can't ever do them. I don't think. It's... I don't think I could do the drive. But maybe....

hello darlin, nice to see ya. it's been a long tiiiiiiiime

My only news to report is that the major clinical depression struggle is very real and very kicking my ass lately.


I am making due with video games, netflix, and the occasional coloring book. but these things are getting useless as my depression episode grows longer.

we are going to call my doctor and schedule a emergency type check in to get me on a new medicine of some kind for depression---- hopefully one that wont make me gain 8202084 pounds. because I already feel disgusting right now. I'm not sure how much more I can stand.

Sat Jan 26, 2019

Thing have been so blah lately. the only thing I've been doing is watching The Tudors on netflix and playing the game Stardew Valley on the nintendo switch-- which is, definitely, way better than what most gamers play. no violence. lots of growing of plants. lol

My heart necklace that stan got me-- the chain broke so we went today to get  new one. it was really exciting. I think we got a chain that will keep the pendant from flipping over so much

We are hoping to plan a trip to the Nasa Space and Science Center in february instead of going to Kami-Con because all the construction around that area is going to make it absolute hell to get in and around the BJCC in birmingham. plus I have wants to go to the NASA thing again since I've been an adult.
We are hoping we can get Alex and Sagen to go with us. make it a couples things. We gotta get on them about scheduling that because they are so hard to get a free weekend with.


random: we need to get a bulb for the quartz lamp
we got an invite from my cousin Kelleye for her wedding in October and they used a wax stamp like i got stan fo xmas and that is so cool!!!!
I got a new wallet from Wish and its so pretty and I love it
I got a grey-ish hat
MY period is late and i'm not pregnant ... no chance of it. so i am kind of just in pain and on egg shells waiting because i never know when it might happen now that its late. like a week late? i dont know


we have some things we might ... have coming up soon that might change our plans for the future so i am tying to not make any long term plans right now lol

Hello

I met my new therapist and she is going to be a really good match for me i think.

I am struggling with irritability and depression right now.

I dont have much else to say

so I'm updating again

not much has happened... Alabama football took a huge hit.
I went to work with Stan for a day and slept all day on the office floor (thankfully nobody was there hardly) I honestly just needed to get out of the house hahah.
I am grateful for him letting me go to work with him, even if me being there was awkward and weird.

I love my new phone and my computer. I want for nothing. I cant express how grateful I am to have a husband who takes such good care of me. I am so very blessed.

Next week I have an appointment with a new different therapist. Its a woman so maybe I can talk about some of the sexual trauma I've went through and she should understand body image and eating disorder problems a lot more than a man would. they are moving to a new location. they have rented the 5th floor of the galleria in Birmingham. like.... wow. who does that? so i think my session is there? or is at the normal place? i dont know... the not knowing is going to make me nervous so thats no fun. on top of the meeting a new therapist. and having to explain my mental health history over again. I have a notebook actually, where ive wrote everything down. so i need to find that green notebook before next thursday.

My parents are taking a little vacation to the casino in Mississippi so Stan and I have the house to ourselves. Which is nice. But taking care of the dogs... there is one dog that wakes up at 4am and barks until you let her outside. and its just.... wow. I admire my parents for having the patience to do the routines with these dogs that they have established. (the dog that give them the most trouble is Scarlett and she is a special needs dog, so again, i admire my parents for taking this on)

this weekend we are going to finaaaaaaally get together with Alex and Sagen (alex is a friend from stan's work)
and we plan to see a movie, go to Hokkaido for dinner and then exchange very very late christmas presents. and make Sagen watch the movie Forrest Gump because for some reason she hasnt seen it yet. and I cant imagine... not having seen it. Its like.. a staple for the southerners. lol



so thats is for now i think. i will update again if.. anything pops up

hello again internet

I am back from my sabbatical from the internet. and i can say that it is definitely possible go without it all, but its not pleasant. lol
we were  in Kentucky the whole time I was without the internet or phone stuff

My husband got me a chromebook for christmas and i was completely not expecting it and i was like omgomgomg. I had no idea, like it was so... Idek. lol

I also need a cell phone and we got one today and i am trying to get that sorted out

while i had no phone i played the nintendo switch... Stardew Valley. i am still in love with this game and it is definitely the only reason i am using the switch at the moment.

I got sick in KY with some kind of headcold. it felt like my head was underwater in an aquarium and i was hearing a high pitched drone all the time

I have a psychiatrist appointment thursday and no way to get home. so that is kind of trouble some.
we finally got my ambien filled


I have a lot of laundry and cleaning up to do because the room is a mess and i've been in a depressed funk for a long time now and I just... can't manage to get enough days to catch up on everything. because as soon as i get there i end up depressed and lethargic and tired again

the trip to kentucky was great and i love my inlaws even if some of them dont love me.

i would type more but honestly this new chromebook keyboard is giving me troulble.. the keys are spread out more and its throwing me off

up all night, got demons to fight

my ativan didn't work tonight so i'm awake at 3am

Stan did a wonderful thing and ordered a cell phone battery for me! and it might be here tomorrow! I am so excited. I hope it makes my phone better because I love my phone and I miss it. I play a lot of games on it that are kind of like mind puzzles that I think have helped me get sharper. Or i hope they are.

I ate TWO cans of soup yesterday. I dont know why I wanted soup so bad but OMG it was delicious

I am making list after list after list for the christmas trip on saturday. I actually need to trim down what i'm taking because, as usual, I want to take my entire house with me. It's a weird comfort thing for me.

I gotta call in the refill for my anxiety medication tomorrow. and I need to call the psych office and try to find a new therapist since mine either randomly quit or died. he was really old and in bad health-- in and out of the hospital recently-- so i'm scared he died. I am sad about this. He was a great man. I miss him and will miss him for a long time, I think.
I have a chance to maybe see someone who treats eating disorders on top of the other stuff I struggle with so that would be a new thing for me-- I've never actually had help for that. I've just been kind of... not telling doctors about it and getting help for everything else but that. i know thats bad but... I just am not really ready to give up my eating disorder and I dont know if I ever can. so the ED therapist might not even wanna work with me if I'm not ready to do it.
and either way i wont even be able to see any new therapist until jan anyway

my skin is SOOOOO dry I am clawing myself from the itchy

my mom attempted to color my hair and botched it and it looks HORRIBLE. I am going to have to try and use sun-in to get it looking better. because this is crap. like i could have done better myself on myself. i wish i had done it myself. my mom is a hair dresser and i thought she would do a good job. better than me. but i guess i was wrong.

so I guess thats all for now. I'm really only updating because I am so bored and cant sleep. lol