Ok guys I am having what I can only describe as a slow burn panic attacks. It's going. And it's been going for a few days. It gets a little worse sometimes (like yesterday afternoon) this morning I'm having a hard time. I guess it could be assorted anxiety attacks but it feels like it's rolling up to something huge.
I'm having to literally ration my anxiety medication because this new doctor does not approve of prescribing it for long term management of anxiety. I don't know what she thinks I am doing with this medicine. I take it sparingly. I'm not taking it every day just when I have attacks. I didn't get to talk to her long she literally got dropped all of my previous doctors patients into her lap like days before the appointments. I didnt even try to get her to talk extensively with me I only had a 15 min appointment. I don't talk to her until January. I don't know how to go about asking about my medicine without sounding like someone who is abusing the damn stuff because that's what they're assuming everyone is doing. So I haven't called the damn people about it I will just wait and see what the duck happens.
Basically I dont know how much longer I will even have anxiety medication and I might be looking for another doctor which will cause a gap in my medicine anyway. And doctor hunting for anxiety medication just.looks.like.bad news to Amy doctor I might even be trying to see. So I've GOT THAT GOING FOE ME NEXT YEAR.
ALSO BECAUSE CAR DECIDED TO BREAK DOWN COMPLETELY I AM UNABLE TO GET MY CLARINET INTO THE SHOP TO GET IT FIXED (NOT ENOUGH MONEY) WHICH WAS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING I HAD TO LOOK FORWARD TO NEXT YEAR. JOINING A BAND. SO FUCK THAT TOO.
I am running around in circles trying to pack and clean and keep house and I have four different to do lists and two packing lists. And now I have what seem like it might be migraine or close enough to one to shut me down for most of the day.
On top of everything is my eating disorder literally ruining every fucking day of my life for weeks now.
My period showed up FIVE DAYS LATE. I AM BLOATED. I CANNOT POOP. I ATE TOO MUCH FOR A FEW DYAS BECAUSE OF MY PERIOD COMING AND CRAVINGS AND NEEDING TO APPEAR NORMAL AND NON DISORDERED IN FRONT OF FAMILY NOW I AM LITERALLY FIVE LBS MORE THAN I WAS LAST WEDNESDAY.
LONG STORY SHORT I AM NOT OK AND I HAVE NO TIME IN WHICH TO GET OK BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR OUR TRIP. AND AFTER OUR TRIP IS MORE "UN-OKAYNESS"
if I make it past Christmas without a SERIOUS mental break down I will be in shock because I haven't felt this unhinged in literally years.
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