Tuesday, December 18, 2018

up all night, got demons to fight

my ativan didn't work tonight so i'm awake at 3am

Stan did a wonderful thing and ordered a cell phone battery for me! and it might be here tomorrow! I am so excited. I hope it makes my phone better because I love my phone and I miss it. I play a lot of games on it that are kind of like mind puzzles that I think have helped me get sharper. Or i hope they are.

I ate TWO cans of soup yesterday. I dont know why I wanted soup so bad but OMG it was delicious

I am making list after list after list for the christmas trip on saturday. I actually need to trim down what i'm taking because, as usual, I want to take my entire house with me. It's a weird comfort thing for me.

I gotta call in the refill for my anxiety medication tomorrow. and I need to call the psych office and try to find a new therapist since mine either randomly quit or died. he was really old and in bad health-- in and out of the hospital recently-- so i'm scared he died. I am sad about this. He was a great man. I miss him and will miss him for a long time, I think.
I have a chance to maybe see someone who treats eating disorders on top of the other stuff I struggle with so that would be a new thing for me-- I've never actually had help for that. I've just been kind of... not telling doctors about it and getting help for everything else but that. i know thats bad but... I just am not really ready to give up my eating disorder and I dont know if I ever can. so the ED therapist might not even wanna work with me if I'm not ready to do it.
and either way i wont even be able to see any new therapist until jan anyway

my skin is SOOOOO dry I am clawing myself from the itchy

my mom attempted to color my hair and botched it and it looks HORRIBLE. I am going to have to try and use sun-in to get it looking better. because this is crap. like i could have done better myself on myself. i wish i had done it myself. my mom is a hair dresser and i thought she would do a good job. better than me. but i guess i was wrong.

so I guess thats all for now. I'm really only updating because I am so bored and cant sleep. lol

Saturday, December 15, 2018

The Reynolds Christmas gathering is over

I'm not sure how I feel about the gathering. It was ok but ... I just felt really disenchanted with the whole ordeal. There were so many kids and people that i have no idea what their names are or who they belonged to in the family. Everybody keeps divorcing and remarrying and having another set of kids. And it's like.... Can we please stop breeding now. Family is big enough already.

Ok so on Thursday my husband rescheduled my therapy appointment to Jan. And the very next day I got a phone call telling me he was "leaving the practice"... Now he is very very old. And has been in poor health lately. In the hospital a lot. But last time I saw him he seemed fine. And when Stan was trying to make my appointment he couldn't get anything until January, so it's not like he was tapering off his clientele to let people down easy. So something definitely happened. And I just have  this really horrible feeling that he is dead or almost dead. And the lady who called to tell me didn't seem to wanna talk about it. But I told her that he had been in poor health and she seemed to have something click from the tone of her voice. So I'm thinking that I'm right and he is dying or already dead and she just isn't supposed to be telling me because it can be pretty traumatic for unstable patients. I have lost so many good therapist for so many different reasons. I wish just once things could stay stable and regular. However this does give me a chance to pick a new therapist. And they have two different ladies who work with eating disorder problems along with anxiety and bipolar disorder. So maybe this is a hidden blessing.

Tomorrow we are gonna try to eat lunch with my pawpaw and mom and dad. Next week I have to call in refills for my meds and we  need to get a few tiny things before we leave for Kentucky on December 22. I am gonna TRY not to pack my entire wardrobe lol, but you know me. I don't know the meaning of "pack light"

So yeah. Last minute shopping, meds, packing up. Securing gifts for everyone. And getting the heck outta here on Saturday. I really hope it snows on or close bro Christmas... I've never had a white Christmas before.
Anyway I am falling asleep trying to type this all out, so I think I has best stop and go to bed.

I know you'll read this Stan so I wanted to say.... I love you. Thank you for being so kind and generous and thoughtful. I don't deserve you and i have no idea how you put up with my crazy ass. I love you.😘😘😘😘😘

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Another one bites the dust

My poor Chromebook seems to have given up the ghost. It is fully charged and won't turn on. Bless it's heart. I'm glad I had been using the Google cloud for stuff. And now I have no idea when I will have a proper computer that i can type on again. So I dunno. Blogging from my phone might be the new thing for a while.

We went to Walmart to get some Christmas stuff done and the cashier was just useless, so all the gift cards we wanted to get haven't been gotten yet so thats even more we have to do in the crunch time between now and Christmas.

I am struggling really hard with body imagine eating disorder stuff. Today I was having anxiety attack and crying when I had to get ready and look presentable to public... It's just. I am so hideous. I cannot leave the house please just let me hide away. I dont want anyone else to see how fat and ugly I have become. It's really hard. It takes hours to get myself to the point of leaving the house. I just feel so worthless and useless and trashy and slobby and fat and gross and disgusting and I can't make the shit stop. It's a mental barrage of this all day. I just want to lay here and cry. I pretend  to be ok as much as I can because that's what is expected of me. And it's so damn hard to put on that face and fake that smile and be ok around people because you can't let them know you are suffering. It's the holidays. You have to be merry and bright. You have to paint yourself up with glitter and bows. And you go to war. Be brave. You can make it through this. And when it's all over you can focus on losing as much weight as possible as fast as possible because there is no other way to make these feelings go away. I have no other coping mechanism. This is it. So .... Paint myself up in glitter and gold with bows. Make it through the holidays. And crash into January and kick my own ass until I am not 773834847 Ibs. I just can't.... It's like... Right now. I'm so fat I'm not even a person. I'm just a blob thing. I can't. I can't explain it. I feel subhuman.

And that my friends.... Is my thinking and my life and it's barest. No sugar coating. This is it. Take it or leave it.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Bah humbug

Or whatever.
I really wanna update from my Chromebook and also update my blog layout for Christmas because I have cute little gifs of Christmas trees and stuff I wanna use but .... My Chromebook won't start.

I am having a particularly hard time with my eating disorder right now. Not so much that I'm not eating... But the mental health side of tortured thoughts and constant nagging voice in my head that I'm horrible and fat and disgusting and undeserving and should die. Like these are the thoughts I hear everyday. This is what my eating disorder monster screams at me all. Freaking. Day. Every. Day.

And people wonder why I want to sleep. Other than the fact that I am chronically fatigued-- just having no energy at all. But to sleep? I can make the shit stop for a little while. Unless I have dreams about it too. Then I'm just totally shit outta luck there.

I ate too much today and now I feel like punishing myself. I'm so disconnected from myself this afternoon and evening. I spent hours just laying in bed staring at the wall. Trapped inside my head. I do that a lot when I can't handle stuff.

Anyway... I'm tryin to slowly be more active. In anyway I can find. Even if it's just walking down the road to my little Brothers house and hanging out with Krista. But I dunno. I'm just. Somedays I'm just unable to do anything. And I hate that. It makes me mad at myself.

I have therapy on Wednesday... I need it. We cancelled my last appointment. So it's been a particularly long time since Ive had any therapy.

I'm gonna cut this short because Stan is home and I feel like I'm ignoring him. Lol

the end of october 2019

a lot has happened and i dont feel like talking about it, i have a lot of very bad feelings there is something in the works, but we are uns...