Sunday, October 28, 2018

I decided today that I would do more

Do. More.
Housework. Socializing. Arts and crafts. Laundry. Cleaning. Helping my brother and sister in law move into their new place.
I want to do more.
And today I got up. Did a few of the first things on my list I made.... Then had one of the worst panic attacks in my life. Like. I could not breathe. I was literally gasping for air. And trying to talk and crying. I got really nauseated and ran to the bathroom to vomit. It was so sudden. I wasn't even remotely prepared. I usually dont actually vomit when I have panic attacks... I just feel nauseated. But today it was  blown all out done and done.

I'm having some personal self esteem issues regarding my duties as a house wife... As I have been severely depressed for the past few months. And then had a wedding to plan and be in... The bedroom is a disaster. And I knew a time would come that I'd have to clean up from when I was too depressed to get out of bed.... But it just hit me today so hard all at once.
And now I realize... Now. That I dont have to do it all at once. I can break it down. Take breaks between things.

I mean... I get so anxious about doing the tiniest things that most people dont even think about. So when a big thing comes up it's like a full on attack to my mental and physical well being. (because anxiety and panic involve the body responding to danger... Fight or flight etc)

I just... I don't even know.
I did a lot of stuff and it's not even noon and I didnt really sleep last night. And I had a panic attack so... I guess I will lay here and stare at pinterest for a while.
Maybe this afternoon I will "do more" than I did this morning

Saturday, October 20, 2018


Now he's officially a man. lol
and his wife is the best person ever. like I am so excited to have a sister.

her wedding was the first time i have ever been in a wedding. and its only the second wedding i've ever been to in my life. I tried to help Krista get ready but I ended up giving the eye make up and lacing up of the dress to the other brides maid. she was really good at make up and didn't make krista look like a whore(which is what i was afraid i was gonna do. I DID do kristas foundation and powder and it turned out really good. ) we all had a field day trying to get krista's bra right for her dress. haha. Strapless bras are so weird and complicated... especially when she'd never wore one before.
Her dress was amazing and wonderful and I am so happy she got such a lovely dress.
My little brother shaved for the wedding and he looked so handsome nice and cleaned up.

it was so nerve wracking and i wasn't even the center of attention! I met the others brides maid the day of the wedding and she is so cool and we all want to hang out once gordon and krista get their trailer put together and move in.

they are so close to being moved into their trailer. they can almost taste it lol

today is the big Tennessee Alabama game and this week has been full of "HATE WEEK" stuff on facebook so Ive kind of just been ignoring most of the people posting on there because I dont really get into that stuff. I mean I like alabama football. just not THAT much

On wednesday I had two appointments at the mental health place--- we didnt even know we had the 8:50 one until the we got there, and thankfully we got there early enough to do it. So we got my  ativan prescription fixed up and i FINALLY have my meds right for the first time in like two months
My therapist was ok-- he had been in the hospital and is still sick but he is working anyway. He had this IV lines still in when I saw him wednesday. they dont wanna take them out because they would just have to restick him every few days. I aked him about how he was doing and he seemed so gratefully that I even thought to ask. it was sweet.

I know I am not updating that much and its because I dont get on my computer that often because its barely working for a lot of things. like i can't go on facebook because it crashes lol
but thankfully the most important things still work. like blogger.
i could update blogger on my phone but i have a really hard time typing on my phone. like i am so bad at touch screen keyboards its pathetic.

anyways..... uh. its saturday. i need to help my brother and them with the trailer but i really dont wanna  its raining and we can't track any mud into the trailer and that just makes the whole ordeal tedious.

anyways. happy football day. lmao
i'm gonna go do word search puzzles and watch greys anatomy on my phone. i finished the entire thing on netflix AGAIN and now i'm starting it over AGAIN

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

vacation was awesome

I had so much fun on vacation.
and on the way back i ate something that made me sick as hell. i am not over it yet-- food poisoning i guess.
tomorrow we have to go to my psych appointment to get my meds refilled and hopefully my doctor can find a loophole to get my anxiety medication fixed because if not i'm gonna be out of meds very soon and i have to make it almost a month without meds.
We are just really upset about it.

I'm sore from vomiting and today my head finally doesn't hurt

but I still feel nauseated as hell and I just tried to eat and it feels like shit

i've been obsessed with coloring in my adult stress relieving coloring books and also watching Greys Anatomy (still rewatching old seasons) and also King of the Hill (because it reminds me of my family haha)

uh anyway im gonna go lay down and rest or color. or maybe both in some order or another.

My brother is getting married on October 13th and I'm the matron of honor. =)
Its nice to have a sister type person to share things with. I love Krista so much.

I have got my dress and I hope it looks ok. I'm scared I've gained weight since I got it because I ate on vacation and I'm scared it wont look good.
I got my hair cut off really short and it looks really good and I'm happy about that.

Anyway I really reallly felt like I was dying yesterday. I tried to eat a yogurt and vomited everywhere. it was so horrible.

sigh anyway. will update again sometime soon.

I have to attend a bridal shower and the rehearsal this week i think? i really need to update my planner I have no idea whats happening because I haven't written anything down.

the end of october 2019

a lot has happened and i dont feel like talking about it, i have a lot of very bad feelings there is something in the works, but we are uns...