Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Today has been a year since Nana died

And I am not anymore over it than I was. I am still grieving. A lot. I am still angry. I still feel like she was stolen from me.

I have therapy tomorrow. My psychologist is trying to help me but I just can't... I can't do much right now because I am so depressed.

We got my antidepressant increased and we are hoping that will help. it still need another week to set in I think.

I am not eating much lately. I'm not losing weight because I am too depressed to get up and do stuff, but I really dont care too much I just have no appetite. Food is not appealing to me. All I eat is popcorn and animal crackers and tuna and wheat thins. I eat an egg white omelette at IHOP when stan takes me to the doctor every two weeks.

I watch Grey's Anatomy a lot. I started it over from the beginning because I love it so much.

I spend most of my days lately staring at the wall thinking about Nana.

I think this might be the worst depressive episode I've had in my entire life so far. I am better than I was. a lot better. but I am not ok. I am really not ok. But as bad as I am not-- I was so much worse a few weeks ago. I was not even functioning. I probably should have been in a psych hospital for stabilization but I have a lot of support here at home so I was ok.

so my days are full of nothing. empty. i feel empty. nothing i usually do gives me joy. i try to play video games or color in my really awesome adult coloring books or journal or collage or... anything. and nothing makes me happy. nothing gives me joy. everything is empty and pointless. i just want stan to stay home and curl up in bed with me all day. i want stan and cuddle in bed. nothing else makes me feel ok.

At the end of september stan is taking me to the beach and that is something that i am trying to get excited about. but i am fat and that makes me sad about it... but i want to be happy about it. Nana loved the beach she always wanted to go. and she would want me to go. and be happy. so I'm gonna go. (pending our reservations) and i'm gonna be fat and have fun anyway. and eat fried seafood. and collect sea shells. maybe play mini golf.

I wanna post more but it would just be sad stuff and I dont need to focus on that. I can write that out in my private journal anyway,

I hope everyone. or the one person. who read this is very well and having a good late summer/early fall

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...