Saturday, July 21, 2018

Saturday 7/21/2018

So today has been bad for me. Personally. I just woke up bad, I guess.
I got up just before 7am and it didn't storm last night like they predicted so that was disappointing (i love storms, i know its horrible but I do)
My mother needed a shower and said she would get one and then didn't so I sat around and didn't know and I should've taken mine earlier while she was claiming to get one-- so long story short-- it felt like, to me, that we were pressed for time. and that upset me because being late or almost late causes me to have a lot of anxiety.

I had to try on clothes and that upset me a lot.  A LOT

Atleast we got my prescriptions for meds dropped off today and not monday or tues

My eye exam was at 11am and we got there early and filled out forms and the forms were ridiculous. I've come to the conclusion that they always are. I write way too big for the forms to fit our address and all that nonsense
I picked out eye glasses frames that are almost identical in color and shape to the ones I have now, so I dont have a lot of change going on. which is good. i dont wanna do a drastically different look. i am pretty content with neutral colored frames

At the very end of the exam process my back started to hurt worse than it had ever previously hurt so far as I can remember. I was pretty much crying. It hurt so bad I was nauseated. I felt like I was going to be sick.

My back pain backed off right before we left walmart and the change in painlevel was so drastic that it almost felt euphoric. like the relief was so amazing i felt happy happy about it. and i have no idea why it suddenly got better. I wish i knew so i could reproduce that thing when it hurt so bad heh

we got food on the way home and now we are relaxing

Stan did his best to tolerate my nasty attitude today and I am grateful. when i get anxious and upset about myself I get angry towards everyone and that is something I need to work on because they dont deserve to suffer when i feel bad about myself. that makes me a bad person.f

I'm going to try and eat my lunch now and hopefully be not so horrible.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Tuesday Morning ( like.. 2am morning)

SOO hi
yesterday was ok. save for some bad luck on Stan's end. (will explain later)

I got up at 5 am and got a shower and left around 6:30 am for Walmart. I forgot my makeup bag and stand was my hero and brought it with him when he came to pick me up at walmart. We left my car there like we always do, and went to birmingham.

I made stan go in with me on my psychiatrist appointment, to reinforce my side effects from Rexulti and why we stopped it without telling him. And he was ok with our deccision on that, and marked me as allergic to that medication. The doctor has decided to just leave off my fourth medication for now, and let me see how I handle things. Since I seem to be having complications with everything he's given me, and the weight gain I've experienced is surreal.
I did, by the way, get some praise from both my Psychiatrist and Psychologist on my socializing at home more. I have been spending a lot of time in the livingroom interacting with my family, rather than hiding in the bedroom all day. And it really is a big step for me. Though I'm still not leaving the house hardly at all. like. AT ALL.
But hopefully I will keep progressing.

After the appointment we went to IHOP like we traditionally do and I had the best omelette ever (my stomach was being weird, well no my stomach my esophagus. so it was hard to enjoy it but it was the best, really)
on the way back Stan started to feel feverish which is bad because I've been sneezing and headache and coughing and feeling under the weather myself. AND Stan can't get sick because of work, so I feel bad if he caught whatever I have.

He dropped me off at walmart at my car, I bought two things, and went home.

And once he got to work, he found out he had to stay extra late because Trump went all weird and lovey dovey with Putin.

When I got home myself My dad was just finishing up the cabinet he was working on (i even held the back on a little while he staple gunned the back on well they're nails but look like staples? IDK)
so that project is finished. But his truck had broken down earlier that day-- so he immediately had another thing to work on. But its ok, he seems to have fixed it and made double sure it doesn't happen again anytime soon (a hose leak)

And anyway, I went to sleep around a normal time. but i woke up at 1am so I am in the livingroom so I dont keep stan awake with my nonse noise and moving around all night.

And that was monday.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

random photo post

halfway done with my book for therapy! 

look at my baby girl! she's a princess (and she sheds reallllllllly bad)

this is my dad's current woodshop project~!

Friday, July 13, 2018

I apologize for my last update

I was in a really bad mood and should have put of updating until now/

I'm on chapter nine of my book for my psychologist. but it has 23 chapters. HOWEVER the chapters are really short and easy to handle because of the way its written so i think i might actually finish most of it by monday at 9am (IF I READ INT HE CAR ON THE WAY HAHA)

that being said, i haven't played video games AT ALL today
which is kind of... i dunno. weird?

i did the dishes today and hurt my back some more so i haven't done anything but lay here and read since then, though i do have to say that because i took super strong ibuprofen my back DID hurt less what I did stuff. I just dont want to have to take it every day. my blood is already thinned out by my psych meds, and it takes a while for me to stop bleeding

we are having pizza tonight and i have asked for something that has no tomato sauce stuff because i have constant heartburn pretty much and that makes it SO MUCH WORSE
you know, despite being delicious i just... i can't eat it hardly at all

I hope it rains
but not a ton

I'm gonna play games or read until Stan gets home


I guess I will update

since everybody keeps checking my blog for updates *rolls eyes*

I just got my book for therapy yesterday and I have to try and read the whole thing before Monday and I just know I Can't do it.
but I will try

and plus if I speed read it I wont remember or get anything out of it. Which is counter productive

I'm going through caffeine withdrawal right now


lets see

we can't get a gym membership because its too expensive so i'm going to be a fucking fat ass piece of shit for the rest of my life

lets see whatelse
nope that's about it

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

well, the search for new medicine is on

the newest medicine they put me on is NOT FOR ME.

the side effects include:
rexulti side effects include, heart burn, headache, indigestion, stomach discomfort/nausea/pain, muscle aches, sleepiness and restlessness

so that is why I have felt like absolute CRAP lately. I have had EVERY ONE OF THESE SYMPTOMS.
Including my random vomiting from indigestion. It's been so bad that we have joked about taking out stock in Pepto. because I go through a few bottles a week (or I was)

so I have quit taking the new medicine but I haven't told my Psychiatrist yet. I think I will call him today, but that means he will want to see me ASAP and I am NOT going to go in despite what they want because I have an appointment on the 16th (with both doctors)

There's a book my Psychologist wants me to read and we ordered it on Amazon and I hope it gets here on friday like Stan said it would because I need to start reading it before my next appointment. and there isn't much time for me to do that. lol
he said the first few chapter will probably sound like gibberish to me but he doesn't know how intelligent I really am. or maybe he does, and maybe it really will sounds like gibberish to me.

I've been spending a lot of time in the living room which is kind of weird but its better than me hiding in my room all day.
I've been journaling a lot and I feel like that's been good for me. I got a new pen that looking like a kitty so that makes it even more fun.

i'm gonna stop writing now.


Saturday, July 7, 2018

it's been nice the past day or two

My mom and dad went out of town for the past two days to celebrate my dad's birthday.

i've been able to sit in the livingroom and watch whatever I want on tv which was great until I accidentally messed up the TV set up in here and can't get to the direct tv now app lol

a REALLY REALLY bad storm his tuscaloosa yesterday lots of flooding and trees down
it missed us at the house but cause the University of Alabama a lot of trouble.

mom and dad are coming home today and we MIGHT go out to eat but i dunno. i'm feelng really depressed and i have no desire to get ready and leave the house.

i have gained so much weight i dread showering or getting dressed. i dread any and all social situations.
 i just dont want anybody to see me the way i look now.

i feel like i might relapse on my eating disorder which is going to just make my life even more complicated. my psychologist is already overwhelmed with my other problems. i dont know what he will do if this happens on top of that. i know there's an eating disorder specialist at the OTHER clinic this company runs but i cant go there AND here. and id ont know if i can switch over without starting all over again with a psychiatrist.

I guess i will just have to wait and see what happens

I am gonna stop trying to explain myself now. it doesnt matter.

i'm watching some old school tv show on antenna its so funny haha

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

happy 4th of july

not much to say today

i need to wash some clothes
and lay off the coffee

i have recently come to terms that i am lactose intolerant

i also cannot eat anything with tomato sauce because it hurts me

so my diet is going to be changing to reflect these needs to keep me from feeling nauseated and sick all the time

my chromebook crashes everytime i load the facebook home page on the computer that I use (chromebook)

so i will not be going on there on here. just my phone. which is no fun because i cannot time worth a flying poop on my phone.

trying to switch to vaping instead of smoking is HARD YALL

i've been writing in my journal a lot lately. just a lot of things on my mind

i'm cramping a lot this week because of lady problems

stan and i are TRYING to come to an agreement on our vacation for this fall and not agreeing on anything and its making me sad and upset but there has to be a way that we can do this somehow.
I just dont wanna go on vacation the last week of august because last year that was the week nana went downhill and died.
and yes i am still in the anger part of mourning. haven't gotten to acceptance yet.

i need more lollipop but i dont wanna drive anywhere because the tire on my car is not right. i dunno what is wrong with it... it feels like theres a knot on the tire. but i am unedumacated in these things so i dunno what it is.

mom is going to fayette for avon and to see pawpaw. he fell down yesterday and we think he might be hurt and just not telling anybody.

i am gonna try to be happy today but i dont know if i can manage it.
but i will try

Monday, July 2, 2018

monday monday monday MEOWDAY

SOOOO today I got up at 5:30am to shave my legs. lol

we were almost late for the appointment. or is seemed like we were going to be, so i called in and told them and then my own psych was a little late so it worked out but my session was shorter than normal. =(

so yeah
Today was my every two week psychologist appointment. and we seem to be spinning our wheels a bit so he gave me a reading assignment and I have to get Stan to buy me the book but from the way my doctor talks it should be really really good book for me to read.

i've been playing STARDEW VALLEY on the nintendo switch a lot. and i really love this games. its like harvest moon but better in a way
i really wanted to get the harvest moon games on the ds/3ds but this is so much easier than that because its free and we dont have to go get it or download it.
well, i say it was free but it came with the switch when we bought it off gordon

my brother is working at Mercedes now and I am really proud of him... he seems to be doing ok so far but i feel like its only a matter of time before he does something wrong or shoot off his mouth and gets fired or in some big trouble. i really hope that doesn't happen but i know my brother and its really likely to happen

i am TRYING TRTING TRYING to quit smoking and it going so bad. i need to get vape juice that is .9mcg instead of .3
that might help a lot
gordon said .9 was too strong but he isnt coming off smoking he just started vaping first so he doesn't have any tolerance to nicotine

on the 16th i have TWO appointments back to back. first my psych for meds and then the therapy with the psychologist
i hope i can have some of that book read before my next appointment.

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...