Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Feb 28th 2018

So... I have some really good news!
Today was my psychiatrist appointment (in Birmingham... Ugh so far away) and it went really well.
I only had a little anxiety attack when we got to the building.
I was a little uneasy while getting dressed but it was surprisingly easy today. Like. I dunno how i did it. It was some kind of magical thing.

My new psychiatrist is very nice and kind and understanding. He listened to me and took my anxiety seriously. He didn't be little or dismiss my issues. It was amazing to be treated like a human being for once.

After it was over (and it only lasted 30 mins or so) we went to IHOP again lol. And I got pancakes and an omelet.... It was so good.
Victory pancakes!

We came back to tuscaloosa and dropped of my new prescription at the pharmacy. And apparently there was an issue with one of the pills but the pharm tech called the psych and they worked it out.

So we came home and I took a nap with stan until he had to go to work.
He pretty much took a half day off To take me to the doctor.

The rest of the day was pretty good.
Stan got chinese on the way home. And he got me Orange chicken. And corn nuggets.

We watched an episode of "orange is the new black" and now i am so here blogging and falling asleep.

So I start my new meds tomorrow. 😊😊😊😊
I gotta go to sleep now. I'm sooo tired.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

thursday feb 22, 2018

So. Let's just get it out of the way.
Yesterday was horrible. We have been officially legit told that if I want to get mental health care and not be waiting 2-5 months (at a minimum), I need to go out of town.
So... We got a referral to a place in Birmingham and I have to be there next Wednesday at 7am in the morning.. Which means leaving the house at..... 5:30am? and getting up at 3:30am????? yeah i am not happy about this.. but i think they are opening early to see me because 7am is really early so i am going to suck it up and accept it because maybe this is the best thing for me to do right now. and i if they are infact opening early to see me i REALLY REALLY fucking appreciate them doing this for me? like the dude at the normal medical doc clinic must have pulled some strings really hard. ???? maybe i dont know.

which brings me to this next ordeal--

And I have to have Stan drive me, which makes me feel like a ridiculously selfish piece of shit. because i cannot drive myself to places like that..even if i had been there and knew how to get there the anxiety of having an appointment is so distracting that i am scared shitless to drive on the interstate because... i wont be able to focus and drive as good as i could and its a scary interstate thing and the city of birmingham has to be navigated and omfg just no no no no.
do not want

so other than that... in retrospect-- the thing that really upset me and makes me want to give up on getting help is.... I had a legit panic attack in front of the doctor and he was like "no anxiety meds for you. nope. nada." so I am thinking I might never get relief in that way and it makes me honestly want to quit life???? i dont mean die... not die but just comatose in bed just hook me up to fluids and stuff i am done. dissociate from reality forever. giving up, pretty much.

Like I have done this anxiety thing for so long and I am tired of being denied the things that would improve my quality of life. that crap has to stop. go through doctors until i find one that is willing to help me.

like i know these things exist and are right there but i cant have them because of doctors. and these things would improve my quality of life.

like what kind of ass backward fucked up world are we living in.
that just because SOME people abuse medicine for anxiety -- i am there for denied it entirely. when it is the very thing i actually need.

like thank you have a nice day.
and go live in crippling anxiety hell for the rest of your life. Its cool, all the cool kids are doing it. Its hip.


but i guess since we've already extended our search for help to include birmingham i can look up all the clinics and doctors in birmingham and see what places are open and taking new patients. because if we are driving that far for this anyway.... we might as well have an idea of who else might work besides the one psych doc that we were referred to (incase his stupid ass refuses to treat my anxiety like a valid thing. like i feel like i'm being dismissed and belittled by these people who see me have a panic attack and still refuse to do nothing for me when ITS THEIR DAMN JOB TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME)

and anyways... ALSOOOOOO because apparently the options in a city like birmingham are ridiculously good. so if we are gonna go ... lets go big? like.. if we have to drive that far lets just do the damn thing. what if i found like, THE PERFECT psychiatrist for me and my needs in birmingham... and i would have never even known they existed until we did this????

we have been told straight up that tuscaloosa is the shittiest place for mental health care ever. and its true. its absolutely true.

the other thing that we gotta figure out is-- i need a therapist. and this therapist needs to communicate with the psychiatrist. A LOT.
so we have that long distance hurdle because im pretty sure most psychiatrist are gonna have therapist they recommend and i'm pretty sure they'd be in birmingham. and the thing is that IF you dont go to the therapist regularly to work shit out.... it DOESNT GET WORKED OUT. so driving to birmingham every other week for the rest of my life.... yeah i dont even know... whatever

ok so i have tried to make a blog post that wont make my husband upset but i dont know if i have done it. i will find out when he reads it and tells me to take it down. lol

i have finished most of my things i wanted to do today so i think i might actually play pokemon or something.... idk.. i started the day so early it feels like it should be 6pm but its only 3:30...

uh anyway thats all for now. idk how long this blog post will be here... before i am forced to take it down but... thats whats happening right now... and next week.
(oh i didnt mention the thing on saturday but i guess i can make another entry about that???? idk)

Sunday, February 18, 2018

SUNDAYYYY (its actually very not sunny today teehee)

we were going to go see the "Black Panther" movie but the theatre was so so so so packed!
there was a line out into the street!!! at lunch on a sunday!
We are going to go another day and see it for sure, but it was kind of a big bummer that we couldn't see it today. we'd be in line waiting for ever. and to be honest i dont really like it when the theatre is so full of people, it makes me nervous and idk.. anyway

so this week we are trying something different.. and going to the normal health stuff faculty and staff clinic (i can go there because of marriage insurance etc etc)
and see if they can refer me to the associated psych clinic and get me flagged as "urgent" or something???
because this shit is bananas. lolol

like i had an anxiety attack at lunch today ... and i have no idea what triggered it.
like.. usually i have some kind of idea but nope. no. nothing this time.
it makes me scared because Stan is my rock. he is my safe place when i go out in public and if .... if that safe feeling goes away i dont... know what i will do.
i dont think its anything stan has done. i'm positive its not. he is more caring and helpful than ever when it comes to my problems. i am so blessed.
but maybe something is getting worse?
i could make a list of things that are making me anxious-- like stuff thats going to happen.
and then stuff that i get anxious about as the day goes on
and maybe try and see if theres something new or different???
i dont know... that would only work if i had something from past  feels to compare the current list to. haha

i hope to get an eye exam soon. my vision is getting worse and worse... i am noticing it getting worse which is weird and new because i never did before.. but i guess thats what happens when you get old. LMAO

i need to go back to the dentist and get these two cavities taken care of but soooooo much is going on i have no idea when we can do anything... it sucks...and we dont have money to do it all at once.. evem though we really really need to.
i wish a magical fairy god parent would appear and give us money so we could get the things done that we need to do. like nothing frivolous but... actual THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE THINGS.
but everybody wishes that, dont they? lol ahhh... oh well😉😉😉

ok.. whatever. lol

stan is sleeping right now and i hope he is able to sleep tonight because... he works tomorrow and i'm afraid he might end up staying up all night because he slept all afternoon and evening.

i gotta goooo.... i am gonna try to update this blog and my instagram more often
maybe doing that will cheer me up!!!!! (lol fat chance haha)

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Description of my anxiety disorder.


I have moments that I feel ok. Maybe. and then I remember everything that has happened . Is happening . Will happen soon and I get… I just can’t.. I don’t know.

The mask I wear can only stay up for so long before it starts to break.

I have to have days off from living life and social stuff and….

Every. Single. Thing. Makes. Me. Anxious. I can’t. Turn. It off or down a notch.

It’s like music.. Background music playing all the time…. And some unknown being out there holds the remote volume control. And they change it all. The. Time.

Sometimes it’s loud. Really loud.. cannot think at all. cannot do anything until it stops.

And sometimes it’s so soft I almost forget it’s there. But I get anxious about this peaceful feeling because I know....
I KNOW  IT comes back. And in waves. And bad. Off and on all day.

And then there’s the actual acute anxiety attacks that just…. Its like the music is at full blast and I have no hands with which to cover my ears. I cannot make it stop. I have to try and not lose my mind until it goes back softer…

And then when a lot of stuff happens in my life.. back to back. I end up absolutely batshit crazy at the end of everything when it's petered out... and I cannot function. I have to crash. For a day. Or days. Like. I have to detoxify myself from the bad thoughts/feels I had to endure/keep to myself for days because there WAS no buffer time between things happening to sort it all out. And tbh, we are even lucky if I make it through everything in the first damn place.

I’m sorry about posting this..... I’m not well. Physically and mentally. Right now. And I haven’t slept tonight and it's 8am.

but really::: I had been searching for a good way to describe my anxiety….. Because I have generalized&social anxiety. Also OCD. (which is an anxiety disorder actually, if you did not know)

I get anxious about tiny little things That other people don’t even think about. Like ridiculous things. I get anxious over taking a shower. Putting on make up. Laundry. Dishes. House cleaning. PHONE CALLS AND ANSWERING THE PHONE LIKE SERIOUSLY I CANNOT DO IT. (i suck it up and sob through calling doctors trying to get appointments for mental health care... Because I have to... But if my phone rings and I so don't know the number??? Oh hell no. No way. No how. I. Don't care who. It could be I do not do it. Voicemail. Please leave me a voicemail if you call me. I probably do want to talk to you but I am scared to answer the phone!)

. I shake the whole time I do my makeup. Get dressed. So most anything..... Like seriously.... I shake. All. The. Time.
I am not exaggerating this- my husband, Stan, sees it. And it's actually happening. I'm not psyching myself out and imagining it... I tremble with anxiety almost every second I am awake and focused on anything. Because I start thinking. And thinking automatically goes to "what ifs"...

Hell I get anxious JUST LEAVING MY BEDROOM. because who knows what is outside that door. I sure don't.

I don’t know why. It just happens and I sit here unable to do the things I need to do. Like.. I’m talking about general everyday basic self care and house work stuff. Like I get so Worked up about what if this or that happens?

What if the other thing happens?

What if they both happen at once?

What if neither of them happen at all and I am just a fool?

Now let’s get really fun with this. Add the social aspect.

What if someone you personally know saw the thing happen? What if they thought it was bad and your fault? What if they blame you? What if they get confused entirely and imagine the worst possible thing….. (Like I do here?)

Or…. What if it’s a stranger who doesn’t know you at all? What would they assume? Idk. Maybe this. Maybe that.. Maybe a little of this and that.

And they have no basis for their assumptions and you have no control over it AT ALL.
THEY ARE MAKING OPINIONS OF YOU. PROBABLY BAD ONES. AND YOU CANT EVEN EXPLAIN YOURSELF. NOR DO THEY KNOW YOU EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT TO KNOW THAT YOU Are most likely harmless or innocent of whatever it might have been in this theoretical…. Cluster fuck of anxiety I’m trying to some how detangle So MAYBE people in the world can understand people like me a little better???

I really really really hope someone– atleast one person– Who reads this is comforted to know that they are not alone. I’m trying to find different  ways to explain to the “normal” people what it’s like….

And if I am putting your feels into words in a way that helps you, please feel free to use this example With the background music thing. I know I'm not the first person to think of it. I can't be.

This was my first try at this…. I hope I have not upset or offended anyone by posting this here. I just wanted to express myself. And try and find ways that maybe people who struggle.. Like me.. Can all use to describe what we experience… To the people who know and love us… And don’t understand exactly what is going on. 😔😔😔


Thursday, February 8, 2018

more waiting and waiting..

so i had a back up appointment on thursday feb 1st with indian rivers and i was sick.. like idek what was wrong. but i was not ok.

so i rescheduled for feb 13.
so i have to take my lamictal once a day instead of two which really doesnt do anything honestly.

i am starting to think the meds they have me on arent doing anything at all.

i dont even think my prozac is helping my depression
they keep saying bipolar depression is different
well, i'd like to know it is different. how. tell me,

is it simply that treating it with antidepressants causes mania? well just address that when it happens atleast let us bipolar depressed people drag ourselves out of the gutter trash on the side of the road before you slam us down with a mood stabilizer which... by all intents and purposes.. makes you dull, slower, and FAT. i am already fat, if they make me gain weight with medicine i will lose my god damn mind.
i need to make sure these new people. WHENEVER I GET TO SEE THEM... know that

but yeah, i am self medicating right now because i cannot get out of bed if i dont... i cannot do it. there is nothing .
i have nothing
i get up because i want to see stan off to work and i see him when he gets home but i'm not lovely lovely lovely.

and then he goes to sleep

nothing else is going on... he is the highlight of my day. he is the only thing i have other than lilly. and my online stuff i do to try and stay sane. and pokemon. and my planner
i dont have anything else.

and i know the self medicating only lasts for a day or two but thats a day or two out of bed talking to people like a normal person. breathing fresh air. walking. instead of laying.
so fuck it man

i'm not exactly sad... i'm empty
this great yawning chasm in my chest. empty.
there is nothing,
i am filling it with food.
mountains and mountains of food
 and i am getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter
and its gonna makes me hate myself more
and make me want to leave the house less and less
and make me want to see people less and less

like i have to either stop eating or commit to being fat and hate myself every single second i'm awake.. which is WHY I AM SLEEPING

i know they say exercise is all wooohoo change your life but i am not gonna run around here on the road because i am afraid and i cant go to the gym because im fat and the gym costs money and
i have never really worked out at all and i dont think i will ever actually get into it. its just.. something i have never took a liking to.

random things:

Sagen got me, by far, the best washi tape i have ever had. and i am sad i wont get to see her again for..... months? a year?

but because i'm horrible i have to deal with the consequences of being horrible.

in march we are supposed to go to KY, which is .. or should be something to look foreward to. it would be
but i am still waiting on the damn doctors to see me.
and knowing my luck they will want to see me the very exact time we are going to be in KY and i can't even... the anxiety i am feeling about this is insane.
like i wait and wait and wait.... and get told i have to wait some more...  and then told to wait some more.......
and then i have to maybe not even get an appointment until march or april???

i can't even...
like what is this shit
and i feel selfish for saying i would keep an appointment with a doctor over visiting family

like really really really really really really selfish
and i think i would probably ask if they can move it to another week/day?????? i dont know how flexible stan's work is with this and... i am free all the time so really i am THE one that has to give and make it work.

i havent blogged in a while.. and last time i did i think i did it on my phone but typing has been very very soothing to me right now i can kind of just space out and put thoughts to text without really thinking... its takes so so so so so much less effort to type on a computer than on a touch screen phone. i fucking hate the phones they make us have

anyways i am just sitting here stewing. until the 13th.
and after that i will sit here and stew until march.
and i will either have an appointment with a new psychiatrist
and a hopefully a therapist
or i will go to Kentucky
or both????
if the world doesnt fuck me over

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...