Saturday, December 30, 2017

Massive update. Major chaos. Idek.

I have so much to post about and not much time.
So Christmas was great. it was small and everyone got useful stuff instead of frivolous nonsense... and I had a lot of happy feelings.
It's was a genuinely good small loving family Christmas.
I had a lot a bit of trouble coping with nana not being there. The chair she would have sat in... The cookies always bake that she and I would sneak and eat all morning before the big Christmas meal.
And the cuddles on the couch and talking about stuff other people don't understand. Because we are both mentally ill.

So I got depressed and slept for three days... Except for pee and poop and food. I just couldn't be awake or functional at all.

And thennnnn I got up my MOJO and left the house on the 28th ... For the first time in I can't even remember how long 4 or 5 days. I spent about $20 of my chrimmas money.... I almost didn't go out at all but Stan pushed me (in a positive way, because it's good for me) to go.. So I did.

And then I ended up bouncing into hypomanic (Yay rapid cycling bipolar) so I didnt sleep the night before last... And i slept 3 hours last night. And I feel fine. Like. Good. To. Go. A ok. Which means I'm having an episode. Or something idk. I guess I have been rapid cycling or in mixed State for a really long time.. With intermittent depression... And mania and.... Wtf idk I just haven't had a baseline normal mood that is me in a long time. So Long that idek how it feels to be normal or who I might be when I am "normal"

And sooo anyway today we are going shopping for things we need for me and the house and such and. Monday is bowl game day, and that means foods lots of foods and idk what I will do to deal with that.
I am doing better with food than I was so that is good.

And then.
On Tuesday.
I have my first appointment with the new place I will go for therapy (if they can even handle my case with it being so complicated) and they will refer me to a psych doc for meds.
And on WEDNESDAY I have my long standing appointment with Indian Rivers.. The place I used previously for mental health treatment and will hopefully never use again... I am only going because my meds will run out in 2nd week of January and I don't think I will get a new psych doc in time... And i dont think I could handle psych med withdrawal.. Like I might lose it and have to got to hospital... I have no idea what will happen if I suddenly stop all my meds. And I don't want to find out any time soon.

So there's that... So today is booked.
Sunday is only time to prep for this stuff. Monday is alabama football chaos. Tuesday I have to go to a new place and tell a complete stranger my entire life and mental health story. In like 2 hours? Or 1 hour?
I have a composition notebook with a time line and notes... Like for real I am not joking...
And I might just hand it over to the and be all like "get some glue and fix me plz"
But I will probably have to read from it myself.
And I am gonna cry during this.... Because in general, I cry all the time. I don't know why it just happens I don't even mean to half the time. Like I have no control.... And this is a particularly difficult thing to go through.
The only reason I am going to be able to do it at all is because Stan is driving me there. Holding my hand. Reminding me to breathe deep because I get gasp short of Breath really bad and it makes me dizzy and idk just.... Stan is my everything and he is taking care of me and I don't deserve it at all.
But I have to let it happen anyway and it is really hard.
My self esteem and self worth is so low... I dont think I deserve to get help in the first place.

So... I am so very blessed to have a husband who goes beyond and above what any Normal husband would do.

Like I am the luckiest girl in the world. And I did nothing to deserve this. And I feel extreme amounts of guilt because there are so many other people in the world who are better persons than me and they can't get help and I wish I could give it to them and I can't and it makes me have a lot of feels. I'm crying right now tbh.

So anyway... I am getting Ready to Go shopping. I have to get ready early so I can handle the anxiety of getting ready and leaving house and.... Ughhh....
I just wish I could have a normal person life for ONE FREAKING DAY.
Just to see what it feels like because I have no idea.

So yeah here is the big update I have needed to make for days and days.

And now The chaos begins....

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Yule greetings.

I have finally gotten all the Christmas cards we plan to send ready. Now I gotta get to post office. They will probably be late but I tried lol.
Jo and alaina will almost definitely get theirs late.

I hadn't been sleeping much at night for a few days and today I put on beauty and the beast (orig) got under the heavy blanket and passed the fuck out. When I woke up the movie was over and playing the menu music on repeat.

I feel so lazy. Idk.
I gonna probably go to the post office tomorrow. And that will be the last day I leave the house before Christmas.

I keep getting distracted and not having time to play pokemon.
I mean all I have to do is be ready for kami-con and... Well... Actually i always suck at battle with actual people so I Need to try and get like.... Three good teams.
Just cause.
After kami-con I will be able to go back and play pokemon Gold like I wanted to before ultra sun moon came out.
Also they are releasing pokemon crystal on the download store.

I have lot of projects to get on. Crochet. Um... Well, visiting people is a project. Julie Jess April. Mawmaw at aunt Debra's and uncle Steven's. Douglas.
I have to make cat tail before kami-con.
Get more tigers eye beads somehow and fix stans bracelet.
The bedroom needs more cleaning.
I wanna really really clean the bathtub so I can enjoy bubble bath and salt soaks and bath bombs.
Also blogging here on the regular is an on going project.

I assessed my jewelry and I want to make more necklaces before the druid city arts and crafts festival.
And we can mark down the price on some of the oldest stuff I have. I need to purge stuff that probably won't sell at the price I wanted because fashions have changed. Which means I need to start looking at the new spring color trends and styles. Which means research.
I ran out of composition notebooks so I need a project notebook for this spring.
However if dad and I split a tent I won't be able to display as much stuff. And I'm also anxious about if they will let us split a tent because of sales tax things they do. And also we wouldn't be able to use my business name. It'd have to be a new combo name.

I am glad I have most of kami-con cosplay sorted. I just need a tail. And to finish ultra sun.
Then I can focus on jewelry design again.
I need new business cards. I don't think the Google talk number is working or works at all. I guess I  Could get Stan to call it and see. If it works I will keep the old business card but I don't have many so this is the last time for them.
I should try to have stuff in my etsy shop. That's another project. January brings allllllll the projects. And hopefully Stan's dad and step mom can visit us in January.
And or we go up there In late spring? We have to see his mom.

I am getting cold more often lately. I guess it's getting colder. And I'm getting older.

My friend Julie got engaged finally. She has been with the same guy for like... Almost 10 years? Idk lol.
They wanted to get a trailer first and they did. So it's... Final happening for her and I am so happy.

Also my bro and Krista should be getting married in 2018.

I have my Xmas eve pajamas and morning clothes picked out even though it's not be a big deal.
I think i wanna marathon Harry Potter on Xmas eve and day. Good Xmas movies. There are others too. Maybe Stan has better ideas. That i actually like.

We gotta get together with Alex and sagen.
And make reservation for hotel In Birmingham for kami-con. And get tickets... For me. Stans needs to get his press shit together and ask and whatever.

I am falling asleep again
Can you believe that?
Im gonna go do stuff now....

Monday, December 11, 2017

first blog entry of december

so um, yeah. life has been pretty uneventful.
i went to the dentist-- they got me into surgery the very next morning.
they put me to sleep and i woke up and three teeth were gone.
the pain went away and came back yesterday morning. but it seems to have went away again.

stan and i are doing ok. not much is going on (that i can talk about, its private and its nothing bad. its actually good stuff. but again-- not something i can talk about here)

i am procrastinating on doing the christmas cards. i need to do that asap. just getting a list of who i am going to be making them to would be a start but its mostly stans family and my friends and thats it so... idk... i guess i could get mine done and if stan doesnt get on the ball about giving me names and addresses those people just wont get anything from us.
we need to get his mother's stuff packaged up and mailed to Kentucky. and any other gifts.
his dad and step mother might come down here so that would save us from having to mail their stuff up there, because i think the thing we are getting them is going to be pretty heavy and expensive to mail.

i need to find a way to get the money to mail Alaina and Jo's xmas packages.

I went to see my cousin April and we watched Gone with the Wind and she tried to teach me to crochet but i didn't make it very far. i am still doing single chain of shit. like, i got to the second row but i pulled everything so tight i couldn't get back through to do it. idk what the techincal terms for any of this is.

the new StarWars movie comes out this friday and stan and i are going on saturday to see it.
we have to go to the reynolds christmas on sunday--stan and i arent playing dirty santa so i dont have to worry about that. it has always made me really uncomfortable because everybody is looking at you when you get your turn and again if you have to take somebodys gift because yours got taken from you.
it just really makes me have bad feelings. i have NEVER like it. and i am really glad that stan is agreeing that we dont have to do it.

i need to try and not gain anymore weight between now and sunday
i also need to figure out what kind of meal plan i should put together to lose between 5-10 lbs by january 27.

we need to renew my domain name for another year.
and work on my kami-con cosplay.

I totally wrote this days ago. And thought I lost it but blogger saved it.
And I'm posting it days late but at least I'm posting.

Tomorrow is Friday and I can't eat pizza. I will survive. I'm too fat and don't deserve it. Plus on Saturday we are having a date day and I have to eat out somewhere. And that is going to make me gain another 5 lbs.
We are seeing the starwars movie Saturday. And shopping.
I have to find clothes that fit my fat ass. If I can't find anything I might refuse to go. Stan can go alone. I can't handle this fat ass being see in public. I want to kill myself right now. Not even joking. Not joking.

Sunday is the Reynolds Christmas and yet again I have to find something to wear. I might wear stretchy black pants and a t-shirt. I don't think any of my. Clothes are going to fit.
I am dreading this weekend so much because I got so fat.
I wont even be able to eat. Like I can't. I am huge. And they will see my fat ass eating and wonder how I can even eat when my ass is so fat. Like I dont deserve it and definitely don't need it. I don't want to go at all. I don't. Want to. I will hide the whole time. I can't do this I am freaking out.

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...