Friday, September 8, 2017

well, here. heres an update

lol i came here to update and i ended up on my sitestat thing obsessing over trying to figure out who was what in my visitors and traffic and pageloads haha, i am pathetic

just so know you if your read this, i probably can tell you do because i keep track of pageloads. its awesome

i made an outline last night for my blog post so i'm going to try that instead of just word vomiting brain dumping onto the keyboard screen computer thing blog site thing
(i'm also going to try and make this blog post more interesting like i used to do..... GIFS AND SHIT YALL WOOHOOO SHINY PRETTY THINGS MAKE THE SADS GO BYEBYEE... the really do sometimes for real srsly irl)

My nana has been dead for 11 days.

just 11 days
time has spread out to fill up so much... things have been moving so slow... i am glad though because if it hadn't i would have felt like i was rushed through this mourning period and that would feel even worse. though not even this feels like enough. i can't begin to explain the things and reasons nana means so much to me. i am going to stop trying. i will say that one of her last wishes was to go to the beach and thats why i am so dead set on it. i told her stan and i were going (it was the last lucid day i saw her) and she made a joke about wanting to come along but couldnt because it was our wedding anniversary.

i am crying now.

Hercules died a little over a year ago and that is makes stan sad but he isn't talking about it because he knows i am so upset about my nana and i want him to read this and know that he can be sad. we can cry together. it is ok. but they are both.... herc and nana.. they were in pain. and they arent anymore. i have to keep reminding myself that... otherwise i cant handle...  life.... at all



on top of this.
i am worried about pawpaw. he is living there alone. where she lived they lived she died. he slept in the recliner in the livingroom near the hospital bed the whole time. did you know that? he wouldn't sleep in his bed.
he tells us he is ok. he says he wants to go back to driving/fetching cars for the car dealership in fayette that he knows the owners and he has been doing that for years... and loves it. and now he can do it as much as he want because...... he doesnt have to worry about nana being alone..... at the house..... because she was always falling and hurting herself and.... oh ok ok stop stop stop

i am worried about mawmaw.

(i have two grandparents left.... my dad's dad Ray Reynolds died when was young, pawpaw jack -mawmaw's second husband- died when i was in my early 20s... nana died just now.... i have mawmaw and pawpaw left. one from each side)
she has been having neurological issues and memory problems and i dont know... its really complicated because she was 7 kids? or 6?  its 7 right? i think its 7 (can you imagine me trying to remember these things when i was growing up... lololool i have no idea how i did it!)
they are all trying to take turns taking care of her but its not working out very well and i dont know what is going to happen. they took her to the ER because they found out some test results and wanted to get that fixed up immediately and then something else went wrong so they are doing more tests... and as far as i know she has been there for almost 24 hours and they are still trying to get tests done??? =( so sad and i am so upset and i cant... my mind goes to the darkest places right now.... and all i can think of is.... what if she dies this year too? what.... if pawpaw dies? he is driving cars and he is in his 80s i mean... its scary... i get worried about stan driving to work every day... and now pawpaw driving everywhere in the southeast... and mawmaw is sick and has been for a while and they dont know whats wrong and...
just .... i am not ok

 i really really really really need health insurance

i think i cry about that almost as much as i cry about this other stuff. because i know i could be better i could be stronger if i had better medicine and therapy and i just... i want to be stronger for my family and not be a burden that lies in bed and cries all day and i hate myself but i cant stop it


enough of that.
i have this outline i have to finish this blog post like i planned lol

and we will NOT be attending the wedding of a one mr. mac and cb
she stole my wedding day. she set her date right after going to my reception. she knew what she was doing. its like girl world. mean girls shit. seriously. we are fighting without fighting. i really need to watch meangirls now... omg that will cheer me up!
so..... THE ALABAMA FOOT BALL GAME is in tuscaloosa tomorrow so we can't do the stuff we wanted to do on our anniversary and sat... the actual day---- but ok. we will wait until sunday...
dad is working with a friend saturday morning, so the idea of cooking out with pawpaw at nana and pawpaws house isnt like we thought... so either pawpaw can come here and we cook here or... idk
he should come here.... he likes to drive. and this is his land, after all. its his home. its his Tara. he will do anything to keep it.
so we will do something saturday (tomorrow) just dont know what?

and then

we are going to Hokkaido (i love this place because i get to SEE THEM COOK MY FOOD. it is so very soothing for my eating disorder and ocd and anxiety to be able to see what happens to what i'm about to eat. how much butter how much oil how much this and that. i know i cant tell them to cook it differently but i can atleast SEE and KNOW and adjust how much of it i eat so i dont gain ALL THE WEIGHT AND POUNDS BACK IN THE WHOLE WORLD. (take home boxes are awesome)
THEN we are going to see the most recently Stephen King movie.... "It" which is going to scare the hell out of Stan but he says he is determined to go. if he changes his mind---- they are still showing Gunslinger and he saw that with my dad and not me and i havent seen it... so i can offer that up if he seems to scared of the clown............
we might do some shopping almost on sunday i dont know


anniversary trip sept 18-21st

we were going to go to panama city beach for our one year wedding anniversary vacation. i had been wanting to go to the beach for years now and things kept getting in the way or something always went wrong and stopped us. and i wanted to go to PCB... because thats where i always went with my nana. and pawpaw. and mom and dad. i know they  closed the miracle strip amusement park. i know they closed most of the good things in pcb... but its still pcb... and the roads are still the same roads... and the landmarks are mostly the same. and i have memories there. specific things of some things.... with nana. one particular (shell island--- i will explain later if we end up going)
but because of IIIIIIIRMAAAAAA we might not get to go to PCB. i have made peace with that on the fact that it will be there and i can go there later and talk to God and nana on the beach at sunset or sunrise or anytime with the beach nana loved the beach and god is in everything the ocean feels so spiritual for me.. idk
IF we cant go to pcb we will try orange beach/gulf shores
which is close to places we went before. so we have places we know we like to go and so much more that we didnt get to do and... yeah. just getting a beach front room is the thing. its kind of the most important thing right now. i was ready to cave and get anything if we could just go... but stan said he really wants beach front. so i want beach front even more and dont feel bad about wanting it lol

if all beaches are off we have talked about new orleans or some place in tennessee or i dont know... there is no telling. we could honestly just pick a town and get a room for three days and go... i dont think it would matter... but it would be nice to go to PCB. or the beach in general. or if not that... new orleans... or something

in other news i had the anxiety attack from hell yesterday while waiting for mom and dad to come back from picking up mawmaw and bringing her here. i spent 30 mins trying to do the eye mascara on JUST THE BOTTOM EYELASHES OF MY LEFT EYE
i am not joking

i was shaking so bad i kept messing it up
over and over and over and over andover and over and over
like i even took breaks and checked up on stuff and came back and tried again and still the shaking and messing up and eventually.... by the end of the day.. i have about 849340932 coats of mascara on. idek.

and then i left the house by myself. which was good. and bad. like always. i enjoy the freedom but i hate being looked at when i'm alone. and people really make me nervous....

i have noticed here lately that i talk when i get nervous???? i dont think that is the normal for me--- i think its a bipolar mania manic plus anxiety thing. becase if i'm normal or depressed and anxious i dont talk i just shut down
so here again--- hard to get people to take you seriously about anxiety when you have another mental illness that its symptoms over rides it sometimes and yeah... the cluster fuck of mental illness is the bane of many many many peoples existance. it part of why nana never got better.... she had a different doctor for everything... sigh nobody was telling the other what they were doing and blah blah blah

cant think abou it right now cant do it wont do it wont do it cant do it nope

this is a really long post so i'm going to stop and add some GIFSSSSSS to make it happy looking and post. i should check the word count on this thing because hot diggity damn i type a lot really fast- even when i havent used an actual keyboard in a really long time.
maybe i should get some typing data entry job that i dont have to talk to people at... i wish i could find that. i could do that.. just typing in shit all day... i i could do that... i'm good at that look at it i can type this is all good right lmao okokok i am being funny because i really am sad and i want to cry and scream and throw things but i have to put my big girl panties on. no time for mourning anymore. life goes on. etc etc. maybe someday i will get away and have time to myself to just sob uncontrollably. someday

blessings xo

Saturday, September 2, 2017

More funeral update and such

So it's Saturday.......Tuesday night mom told me to stop crying because it was "upsetting her dad" so I have been waiting until it's "CONVENIENT" for her to let myself cry and mourn...
My cousins from Louisiana showed up Wednesday. I have a million people and one things in common with my cousin Kelleye. It's like... I feel like i have missed out on a really important relationship that would have been helpful for me over the years. But atleast I can have it now.
The wake was Wednesday night... I cried a good bit. Mom couldn't really stop me once we were there. Nana looked beautiful. She looked so dried up when she died in the hospital bed in the house. I have no idea how they got her so healthy looking. I could only look at her once or twice. It was too much for me. I couldn't breathe when I looked at her.
The funeral was Thursday. I did not really cry. I vomited in my mouth and had to swallow it. I couldn't walk straight I was shaking so bad. I couldn't breathe. I keep thinking it's a bad dream and I will wake up..... Any moment now I will wake up and it will all have been... Not real.

I guess that's the only way I've been able to hold back from completely breaking down. Pretending it's a bad dream.

I ate so much between the day nana died and this morning. The scale says I gained 10 lbs. I don't know how much of that is real weight gain. How much is water retention weight. And how much is weight from my not pooping. Hopefully it's a mix of poop and water weight. And not so much the real weight. But knowing my luck I will have gained a lot of weight. And this will ruin my vacation to the beach.

I have no positive thoughts right now.
I thought I would are collage today in my art journal but I keep procrastinating. I put makeup on for no reason and I dunno what else.

I have been irritable all fuckin day and I don't give two fucks. I just want everybody to leave me alone so I can be miserable and wallow in my misery for a day or two.
But today I haven't been able to. I slept until almost 11am but that was not enough. I need more sleep and more time laying in bed and staring at the wall and then i can art journal.

Tomorrow I have to do A buttload of laundry. All my laundry from staying at pawpaw and nana's... (Though I guess I should say just pawpaws now..........)

And all of Stan's laundry from the week. I need to make a shopping list for general stuff...... And a shopping list for stuff for the beach trip.

I have A good bit of yogurt in the freezer since I wasn't here to eat it all up.
And I have most of my tuna and pita chips. And pretzel crisps.

I need to take my ass into the kitchen and clean up after the family like I usually do. They are expecting things to go back to normal... I'm not ready to move on and go back to normal but I dont have a say really. I have to conform to my mother's wants and keep my feelings and sadness hidden. And just be sad in my own time in my room when the rest of the day is over.

Everybody is watching football (Alabama football fanatics) and I am sitting here in the living room eating my frozen yogurt (because I have already had too many calories earlier today to eat their hot wings and rotel dip and cookies etc)

And yeah...just Gonna Eat my yogurt. AndbJust gonna do the dishes. And go to bedroom to hide away from all the fucking noise and yelling and loud talking. I hate loud people. It's made worse by the hardwood floors here... Everything just echos lol

I hope I can art collage before Stan gets in bed. I would feel bad keeping the light on to do it while he sleeps.
So. I guess I need to stop this and go do my dish duty.

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...