Tuesday, August 29, 2017

My nana has passed away....


Nana passed away at 12:31am this monday morning. Mom can up here to nana and pawpaw that night (Sunday night) around 10pm. And I was stupid and did not come with her when she asked me if I wanted to. I feel like a fucking horrible piece of shit for not being here.
I wanted to get a sleep and shower.
So when I found out I got a shower at 2 or 3 am or whenever it was and I packed up and came here.

I have no cell phone service at their house so I have to type off line and upload when I go outside to get messages.

I gathered flower petals from nanas yard garden to press into my journal and ran out of tape and had a serious breakdown and couldn't stop sobbing. Mom said there would be other flower but I dont want those from funeral arrangements i want the ones she grew in her yard and brought to life. The ones she fed with fertilizer and water and sun. They were hers and I need them. i used to take photos of them and try to sketch them in my art journal.

I was made to eat a lean cuisine panini that was in the fridge. It was nana's... I ate most of it. Other than that that i had a vanilla pudding cup (100 cals) and yogurt (90 cals)... The panini was like.. 350. Idk.

I tried to get everybody to go to sleep last night so I could go to sleep. And cry. And when I did my mom came in the bedroom and bitches me out like "do you want to make my dad more upset?" pawpaw was sleeping across the hallway... And i was like just... Back off. Leave me alone. I will wait and cry next week when I am at home and it's convenient for you.
I'm sorry I am emotional about this but she doesn't understand the bond nana and I had because of the mental illness we shared. She can't even begin to comprehend. And i can't be upset with her about it because how is she supposed to know when she has never experienced these things?

So I am just really really fucking frustrated and torn and I can't talk about it or feel it openly. So I am writing in my journal constantly. I went ahead and bought another journal while they are available and and cheap... (hot pink thick paper black elastic to keep closed)

I bought a for a shirt for today and tomorrow because I only have ratty tank tops here to wear.

Mom and dad and pawpaw left me here alone while they went and picked out a casket and flowers and got a hairstylist booked and idk what else I have never been through this before.
Only one person came by the house while they were gone and it was someone I knew.
However I had to answer the house phone..... I do not answer phones. Especially other people's. And I don't know who is calling. Big huge anxiety attack issue there. I was shaking and couldn't breathe and had to sit down and i was so sweaty that I had to towel off.
But I answered the phone three times... I explained why I was talking so nervous and jittery and everyone seemed to understand and even though I felt like a fucking fool for having to make excuses for myself I got the job done. I took the messages and notes.
I tidied up the living room and dining room. I made the beds because nobody else does that apparently. I tired to make things look nice because we thought people would come by. But so far no one has come by. And the only people who have brought Kentucky fried chicken and sweets. Lol

Today I ate a pint of halotop ice cream (chocolate chips cookies dough) and was like... 320 cals? Then I had a serving of white cheddar cheeze-its (150 cals)
And half an apple pie turn over... Which was probably 200 cals.

So. I'm definitely getting to my stopping point on my food intake for the day it's 3:23pm on Tuesday btw. I am typing this off line so I just wanted to make the time clear.

We are expecting at least one person to come by... I am typing this and about to journal or read my book.
That's all for now

Friday, August 25, 2017

Friday 8/25/2017

It's Friday August 25. I am here at nana and pawpaw house with Krista (my soon to be sister in law)

Nana us asleep awake at same time if that makes any sense. We have an old school CD player with gospel music playing next to her. She seems to like it.
Pawpaw is out getting breakfast for himself and Krista.

I am snacking on my cheese-it's and yogurt. We are just waiting for her breathing to slow and the process start.... We don't know when I that will happen.

I am probably going to sit here tomorrow saturday. And let mom do Sunday.

We are all on alert this point. She has stopped eating and drinking. All meds are given rectal or dissolve in mouth liquid. No IV fluids.

I spent the last two days on a fog. I wasn't really awake i dont think. I guess that is how I ended up coping with it... I guess? I slept for a good long while and I feel okay.

I went to Walmart to try and get a lady minutes swimsuit put together with my size change lately and they are sold out. So I bought a size small solid black drawstring gym shorts. And a black spaghetti string tank top that fits snug. I have 2 identical bras so I can wear a bra and swim with that and not have to be arsed about the bra needing time to dry before I can wear it again.

I am going to need this vacation so bad when it gets here. I know it will be emotional Because nana and pawpaw always took me to Panama city Beach when I was little. But I think. It will be a cleansing thing for me too.

I am just.... Trying to split my attention between my husband and my nana /pawpaw /mom.
Nothing else is going on

Monday, August 21, 2017


It's Monday. I am writing this offline in google keep so I can upload later today when I get service.
I have a few things on my mind. Okay that's not true I have a ton of things on my mind.

1. I will probably never get to have a real conversation with my Nana again. This hurts very badly. Something else that hurts is one of the last things I remember her saying to me that I could make out was about her being fat. Nana is not fat. She had bulimia when she was younger and never got over the mental part of it I guess. And that makes me so sad... Because that might be one of the last thoughts she has and one of the last things she was able to say... Like.. That is what this mental illness does to you. That could and probably will be one of my last thoughts too. And it's really sad. It's heart breaking. I knew nana had eating disorder and so do I but... Its just... I wish there was something else that she could have focused on in some of her last coherent thoughts. I hate that she never got freedom from the ED. Makes me. Wonder if I ever will. And If I won't then why even try to recover and be normal in the first place.... If it's always going to be  there haunting you like a ghost. It would not go away. It just gets smaller and less powerful in your life and mind. But it's there. Waiting for a moment of weakness to come so it can sink its claws into you.

I don't know.... I usually don't talk about my eating disorder like this. But... Idk. Just idk anymore. It is the only thing keeping me sane right now because everything is in the shitter.


2. Having something to do that feels like a job and is a scheduled thing is working good for me. I am getting the energy out and sleeping through the night. And sleeping through the night is one of the key things about keeping the bipolar mind stable. Needs structure and routine and healthy amount of sleep and activity. I know every person needs these things... But when you're bipolar the lack of sleep makes you go batshit and you need less and less sleep and go more and more crazy. Depression is the opposite most times. Though sometimes you can have Insomnia with it too. Idk. The point of this is that i have been doing things and getting exhausted and sleeping from 10 till 5/6 am... And it feels good. I feel mentally more stable. I am able to remember things. I am rewatching Game of Thrones and I am remembering shit this time. I didn't remember anything last time... Which is why I started over at the beginning.

3. My dad still has not gotten a job no place he has applied for has call him for interview.. My dad is not dumb. He is extremely intelligent and has many skills. He just doesn't have  piece of paper saying he has these skills. He isn't "schooled and certified" he just knows these things. And he is 53 years old. People don't want to hire him.
I'm asking.... If you read this.... Please pray for my dad. He is losing his mind from having nothing to do. He feels unproductive and useless. Yes the lack of money is making him upset too... But the mental emotional feeling of being useless is so much worse. Dad is an active member of the church here. He is  good man. He is one of the people that makes decisions when they vote on stuff. Idk what he is called exactly. We are methodist. (or they are. I believe in a universal God... There is no need for the differet religion if people would be more accepting and understanding of their fellow man. We just have different ways we want to worship. I haven't found a church that meets my needs in that area because I have eclectic spiritual beliefs. But i believe there is one God. He just shows himself in various ways to the various people over time in n history (sometimes as multiple gods because that is what those specific people responded to the most when trying to comprehend the divine God) to try and make a connection with as many people as possible and over the years some people have clung to the past eras way of connecting with God.. Because it is familiar to them they were raised that way. Because he wants all his children to walk in the light)

Long story short there is one God that assumes many roles and has many costumes and presents himself in various ways to make himself available to as many people as possible so that all people can walk in his light.

I see the bigger biggest picture when in comes to religion. Past denominations. And individual religion. Every religion deserves respect and is valid in its own way. But it is just their way of interpretating the divine that best suits those people.

I got off on taking wild tangent there... I guess because I am sitting here with nothing to do but think.

I will stop talking about this now. I dont want to upset anyone... Just wanted to let people know I believe in one God. And I am part of the coexist thought group. In a way.

Anyway my dad has started Making wall hang and decor. Mostly inspirational and religious stuff. And they are awesome me buys most of the letters for the phrases precut but he sits with his little saw and cuts out these intricate images in thin ply wood of people kneeling at the cross. And hands praying. And doves. And cross with fancy stuff on the ends to decorate them.
My dad is very skilled. Completely self taught. I need to get photos of his stuff and make a post of just his work.

4. I have lost a little bit of weight and I am very happy with it. I know the means by which u am doing it is not healthy. It is very disordered and sick and not right. But it is the only way I know how. I don't know what normal eating is. I either eat too much. Or not enough. I can't find the middle ground. I have no Idea what that middle ground is. Even in highschool I was weird about food. I can't remember a time I wasn't weird about food. And now it just seems like the only things that makes any sense anymore.

5. Stan has been amazing and I love him and I am sad that I haven't been able to give him the attention I want to give him... I just don't have the energy or time. We are both counting the days until our anniversary vacation.... It is going to be epic. I hope to he in a hood place mentally and emotionally so i can enjoy it and also Stan can enjoy it. Because If I am miserable I know he won't be happy either. I chose Panama city Beach because that is where my nana and pawpaw always took me when I was little. The stuff that was there is mostly gone (miracle strip theme park etc) but some of the stuff is still there and there is new stuff.
I'm having Stan look up restaurants in the area to try and get a feel for what we want to do for our dinners our while we are down there.
I am having trouble getting a swimsuit that fits because the one I was going to wear and bought the bottoms for is too big and will fall off when it gets wet.
The swim stuff is on clearance at Walmart i might go by there after work and get a new bottom part (just need something in black) the top i can manage its loose but it's ok.

Okay I am going to stop typing out this now it's 9am. I have been here for one hour. Nana hasn't opened her eyes or moved.

I love her but I think she is miserable and I don't want her to be miserable... It might be better if she passes on. She has two brothers and a sister and her mom waiting for her on the other side. She loves them very much and kept talking about seeing them.
I just want her to be at peace. Whatever that might be. I don't know.

Nana saves my life in a way. I wanted to make sure she knew but I ran out of time.... And now it's too late.

I'm going back stop typing now for real.


Thursday, August 17, 2017

Today is Thursday, right?

Literally I took a day off from the world. I took TWO deep rock asleep naps💤💤 today. I just stopped fighting my drowsiness and let myself sleep.

I never ever do that. Because it makes me feel lazy and useless and. Non-productive. But I have a lot going on lately so I let myself rest. I even stopped myself from jumping up and taking over when I realized my dad was.... Sweeping the floor! Le gasp! How dare he lift a finger that is women's work.
I literally was confused i was like "what.... What are you doing?".. And he was like "I'm...... Sweeping the floor?"
And I thought for a second and almost got up to stop him... And stopped myself. Because maybe HE wanted to help. And why should I take that away from him if he decided to do it of his own free will? Plus I know I don't do a lot of housework but I do usually sweep... but I also have been under a lot of emotional stress lately.
Maybe I should take a day? So I did?

The latest news on my nana is that she is sleeping 24/7 or almost. We can't get her to the bedside potty so we have switched to diapers. Which I know must be a big jab to her pride. Because while she can't really communicate with us very well I know her mind is still functional because well.. I just know. and I can tell she is there mentally but the ability to turn thoughts to words is very compromised.

I was sat with her Monday and Wednesday... On Wednesday my mom came up there too because pawpaw had a doctor's appointment and it takes two people to take care of her usually. Nana had a pretty bad day Wednesday (yesterday)... My mom just got home today and I heard her say that things were a bit better today.
Last night I broke down crying because It sunk in that I will never get a chance to have a proper conversation with her again. The time came and passed and when it happened I didn't realize that it would be the last time so I didn't say everything I wanted to say.
And now it's too late.
Maybe I can whisper in her ear when she is half awake but I would want to be alone when I did it because it's private and I don't want anybody else there. It just hurts. It hurts in a way I can't explain to anyone. That I wasted so God damn much time all these years. I can't forgive myself I don't know if I will ever forgive myself. I don't think I deserve it.

So like I said today I had a day off and I should have spent it Journaling about things and looking up coping methods for loss and things I can do to try and make this more bearable. But my lazy ass slept all day. I yet again... Can do nothing right.

I feel like i am neglecting Stan and it is tearing me into two pieces and I can't..... Make decision on who gets my attention right now. I feel stuck and helpless and useless to both nana and Stan because I feel like my attention is split. Stan is in a lot of physical pain and I can't fix it and i can't stop nana from dying and I can't make Stan's job not suck ass. And I just can't do any thing I can't stop Or control anything except myself and my body and what I do with it and what I eat. Or don't eat.

Tomorrow I would be sitting with nana but her sister can only be available on Friday this week so we are letting her do tomorrow and I will go Saturday. That gives me Sunday to do laundry and watch TV with Stan and spend time with him. I usually would have had sat and sun but it's ok. They need me.
On Sunday mom and Krista will go up there. And I go back again on Monday.

We so dont know how long this is going to last. Yesterday it seemed like it might happen next week but I am listening to my mom on the phone now and apparently she did really good today.

Stan just got home. And he is in a fuck ton of pain.. 😞

I am going to attempt to eat and then take my meds and go to bed.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Laundry Sunday

So I can't remember (without looking) what day I updated last. So let's just start with Friday the 11th ....
Friday I got up at 5am and got dressed and went to fayette.... Stopped by Walmart and then went to nana and pawpaws house to sit with Nana.
Nana had good and bad moments off and on all day. She seemed to forget where she was and who we were for a bit and she was really mean to me but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she had no idea it was me she was interacting with. And that's OK. She can't help that at all. And just an hour or so later (after a short nap) she woke up and saw me and was so happy to see me and told me how much she loves me and that she will always love me. I told her I had been there with her all day, because I know she didn't remember. But she is so clever and prideful that she was all like "of COURSE I remember" lol.. Anyways. She keeps taking her oxygen off her face and fighting us when we put it back on. She takes it off and asks for a cigarette but we can't let her because she is trying to get pneumonia and we are fighting to keep it from happening... She is on antibiotics and expectorant and we try to get her to do an albeuteral breathing treatment but she fights us on that too.
We have been having trouble getting her to eat and Friday she was lucid enough to tell us she was having acid reflux so bad and her food was coming back up (which happens to me too I know exactly what she is talking about) so we are going to get the hospice doctor to approve her being back on prilosec. She ate a few bites of scrambled eggs but some of it came back up. Pawpaw got her to eat a big bowl full of vanilla ice cream. She only eats a lot if pawpaw feeds her.... Which is precious because they have not shown each other much affection in the past few years. So that is really kind of a big deal. 💑

I came home Friday (it was mom's birthday btw.) dad cooked dinner🍴 and I know it was awesome (he made lasagna) but I couldn't eat it without having a panic attack... Because there's no way I can calculate the calories and food nutrition for it. So I ate two cans of Tuna 🐟(which is, btw, a metric fuck ton of tuna lol) and pita chips.

On Saturday Stan and I stayed at home all day. Watched some Game of Thrones.. I was sleepy all day. I ate some of my pizza🍕 for dinner and I ate a pint of ice-cream🍦 (low cal protein infused ice cream) and watched Game of Thrones... Then went to bed.
Slept all night. Stan told me this morning that I talked in my sleep a lot last night.
I woke up around 7 and talked to mom and Krista before they left for fayette to go watch nana. Dad will go to church to give pawpaw company there.
Stan and I are going to the grocery store at 11...to get yogurt, tuna, pita chips. Maybe ice cream🍦 if he feels like being nice and doing that for me so I don't waste all my money on ice cream... 😑

I have to do laundry today. And pack up for tomorrow.
Stan gets the bedroom and TV at 8 pm because Game of Thrones comes on. Lol

I am trying to decide if I want to go by the store before I go to nana and pawpaw house tomorrow morning. I think i need to because I need to restock my ice cream at their house. They have two gallon things of bluebell but it has too many calories... Like way way too many.

So anyway it's 8am and I am going to start some laundry and eat a yogurt and play Pokémon for a bit because I haven't done that in a while. And go to grocery store at 11.

Not much else I can talk about here. Other stuff that's happened is private matters and I can't talk about it to anybody or anywhere. But it's something that has me really depressed and upset with myself and I don't know what to do about it. At all. I feel useless and hopeless and worthless and broken. Really mostly broken. And there's no glue to put me back together.

I gotta go do stuff now.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Massive update while I have the time to do it

So.. Long story short: my nana has brain cancer and... She has checked out of hospital a month ago AMA (against medical advice). And she is having none of the typical weekly brain scans to see how things are progressing.
My nana is also bipolar, schizophrenic, and was bulimic when she was younger. She is very special to me for many reasons. Like my mom recently stated - "she treated you (me) more like a daughter than  she ever did me(mom)".. And I guess that's true. A lot of my early memories are with her. From 3-5 years old I mean. I don't know how I can remember these things but can't remember what I was doing 5 years ago. (bipolar is funny like that i guess)

(random note: I had typed out half of this entry and I lost it somehow. Tragic. So this is my second go around on trying to get this out there.)

Aside from the memories of childhood.... Nana knew what was going on when my bipolar symptoms started. I was living with them at the time. and she knew. She knew because she had been there herself. She knew I needed help.
She got pawpaw to pay for me to see a psychiatrist (i had no insurance) because the mental health clinic in their town couldn't see me for another month (!!!! Seriously how is that OK. They are supposed to be where the low income people can go for help. Something seriously bad could have happened in that month of waiting and that shit is... Just not right on so many levels)
So the bill for seeing this psychiatrist was quite high. And the medicine he prescribed was too. They paid for that too.
This was to get me some kind of help as I waited on the damn mental health clinic to "find time" to see me-- a 23 year old having her first manic psychosis episode of what would be a really.... Really crazy next few years -- and of course the damn clinic changes my medicine immediately. And if you don't know it takes approximately a month for the medications for bipolar and depression and such to really start working. So before I even knew what the first pill cocktail would or wouldn't work... I've got some bozo half ass doctor at a clinic changing everything. And obviously it didn't work because I stayed manic/hypomanic for a few months.

Wow I got off on a tangent.. What I meant to say was nana was there for me in a time of serious life changing events. Even though we fought a lot (part of mania is irritability).. She knew what was happening.

We have both apologized for being mean to each other. At the time I didn't know what was wrong with me. And she was going through her own struggles too (as she suffers from mental health issues also)

I have sat with her three times so far. One time was all day and night until the next afternoon (I slept for one hour lol) I wasn't tired at all (such is the bipolar life lol) and when I did I immediately had the feeling that our time with her was being cut shorter and shorter. I felt it in my soul. A deep stirring of emotion and feelings. I could not get mom to understand this until the hospice nurse came and assessed the situation and told her straight forwardly. Mom was in denial... She didn't want it to be happening. Especially not in August (the month she, Gordon, and pawpaw were all born) but it's looking like that might and very well may be the case.

So with that being said.... Nana went severely down hill (which is what prompted hospice nurse to tell mom that it was getting close to time).. ...she could not stand up on her own. Had to be physically put on the bedside porta John. We had to feed her her meds and her food. And the issue that caused most of it was her meds (though we know now there is definitely some deterioration of her ability to do things because of the brain cancer) . The last adjustment in her medicine was a red flag for the pharmacist filling her medicine prescriptions... And he told mom. The stuff she was taking all at the same time is like a tranquilizer. Very strong sedative when combined. When mom told me what she was on I knew instantly what was wrong. But I had not previously been in the know of things so there was no way I could have caught this sooner.
We had the hospice nurse check with the hospice doctor man and he agreed and told mom to give her the meds she thinks she needs and leave out the rest. So we did that.
In a day (given time for her body to readjust) she was better able to interact with us and form sentences. Still needs help walking but she can walk if we hold her to make sure she doesn't fall. Because that's what got started them thinking something was wrong in the first place... She was falling down all the time and hurting herself. More than Normal. They did those brain scans and found mets lesions on her brain. And when she found out she pretty much said to herself "it's time for me to go." or something because... She has been surprisgly okay about things. She has always felt a connection to her family members that had passed on before her and she wants to see them on the other side. Her sister (my great aunt Alice) died earlier this year (or was it last year? I can't remember... Another issue with my mental illness lol) and she was asking when Alice was coming back. She asked it a lot. I think she can feel it coming. In her soul.

So they decided what to do for her end of life care. And the decision was made to keep her at the house. So a hospital bed with railings and adjustable back and legs settings came in (it was so amazing lol or I was easily Impressed)
So that being said.. Mom has found a sitter/care giver for the night time hours. And during the day we will alternate between me, mom and Krista (lol bros fiancée) and Margaret (her sister.... Whom we do not really like but.. Its  her sister she has a right to be with her)

Right now this week... Mom is doing Sunday (today) so I can have my day with Stan to do laundry. On Monday I am getting up early around 4am and shower and heading back Nana's house. And i will be there until the sitter comes in the evening..
I will go back again on Wednesday. Again - very early and staying all day. We don't know yet who is going to be there Tuesday or Thursday... Or Friday or any time after that. We have to schedule things with Margaret and that is going to be difficult because of the bad feels my mom and pawpaw have towards her.
But during the weekdays on the work week I am pretty much good to go for it. I don't work and Stan is gone to work... The only thing is that I will probably get home after he does in the evening. And I may leave before he does in the morning. Which feels all kinds of wrong because I'm a house wife lolol. But these are special Times.

As for my last post... I was in a very dark place. So much had fallen on me in such a short amount of time. And I just broke. Couldn't handle it. I am still getting over it. Not okay with it.

So there.
That's that. I am falling asleep typing this so I will stop now

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...