Sunday, June 25, 2017

Blogging in the car lol

Smdh for blogger app right now. I had typed out a really long useful post about the things coming up and it lost it. Grrr. 
July 6th is my dad's birthday and we still haven't taken him out for Father's day dinner. So I suggested to dad that we go to the seafood buffet he likes so much. Just have to keep an eye on the calendar to figure out what day.
Also my ebay stuff should all come in... Between now and the end of July.
Since we aren't moving to Kentucky.. Dad and Stan get to go see the Stephen King movie together.
Also there is a comedian coming to Birmingham that dad likes and we talked about taking mom and dad to see it.
... Let's see. David and Lauren are getting married so we have that to do also.
Julie has her birthday and so does April.
I would like to go to trivia at Druid City Brewery... or see Alex and Sagen soon. Because the awards banquet was very... Well. Formal lol
And then there is August
Alaina's birthday. Mom's bday. Gordon bday. Pawpaw birthday. Jessica birthday. Martin's birthday.
Am I forgetting people? I wish FB birthdays would sync with Google calendar lol maybe there is a way.
In September you have mine and Stan's one year wedding anniversary. And Mac and CB wedding (on the same day)..... Not sure what's happening with that.
I mean it's our first anniversary damn it.
Also my parents have their anniversary. And my nana has her birthday
I need to get my new driver's license with my married name because until then my PayPal is in the name Reynolds-Wyman
At some point I am supposed to be able to get health insurance but I will believe it when I see it. Not much faith on that anymore.
I would really like to go to the Gulf coast beach this September for our anniversary.
I have been waiting to go for years and something keeps coming up and stopping us. I need to hear the Ocean. I need to smell the salty air. Feel sand beneath my feet.
We just got to the airport.... Lol

stan has been away...

stan has been in Miami for a business trip with his job... he left thursday and he is coming home today (sunday)

on friday I went to town and thought i was going to buy clothes but i didn't find anything i wanted. so i bought more dry shampoo and razors because its always good to stock up. i use two razors every time i shower because i'm weird about shit. anyway

i slept 2 hours the night before last. and 4 hours last night. and i dosed off for an hour this morning after getting up at 6am

i have already done the sunday laundry--- i hung up the clothes that needed to be hung up immediately the rest of it can wait.

we are supposed to be leaving for bham to get stan at 3pm and its almost 3 but i dont think we will really leave that early

i miss stan a lot and when he gets home i want to lay in bed and cuddle for a long time
but thats after i massage his legs with the massager because he did a lot of walking on this trip and he is in pain

some of my ebay stuff has started coming in.

here is what has come in so farrrr:

this watch surprised me! it was in 12 hour mode (though can be in 24 hour) has a month date and day feature! also an alarm! it lights up too i think! it was $1 or so free shipping and it looks exactly like the hot pink one i got a few years ago at walmart that costed $15 (the little pins to change the date time settings came out so i couldn't adjust the time and so. yeah... this is good replacement)

i got these crystal points for $1 a piece. rose quartz amethyst opalite (moonstone) and clear crystal
all my goodies of this nature are in storage so WHY NOT YOU KNOW

i am going to heave to leave soo to go to bham to get my man (dad is driving) and we are going to stop and get food on the way home and that will be my big meal today. i have kept my weight down and didnt realize it so yay me. i havent even been biking! so now when i do it should be even better.

the power went out friday and was out for 7 hours. it was so fucking hot. oh. my. god.
i decided to start reading a new book (danielle steel) and its great (as usual) and i was reading by candle light when the sun went down... my phone battery almost died but my friend Jess made me realize i could plug my phone into my laptop and charge it from the laptop battery. derp. i felt stupid! lol

mom and dad went out to eat last night and i took a shower and a salt bath so i am all clean and cleansed emotionally/mentally/spiritually.

i started an instagram for my business and i keep getting followers and likes but its other businesses and that doesnt help me at all =(

i have a huge bruise on my right arm where my cat scratched me. the scratch isnt that bad but the bruise around it is MASSIVE and it looks really bad and weird. =( when i see connie (my NPr i see for my meds) i will tell her and see what she thinks.

i need a therapist but i cant see one beause it would cost $160 and i'm already paying $160 for just 15 mins with Connie to get my prescriptions done... so fuck shit.

i dont know what i will get insurance. im have started to think i wont ever get it. and this is it for me.
we cant really afford it. we will never have enough money to put back for a place of our own if i get insurance.
it is one of those things that is really really breaking my heart right now

i gotta go we are leaving to get stan
will update more later

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Bad news today

This day can go fuck itself.
This seriously makes me question my faith in... The higher power. God. Whatever.
This is bullshit.

The only thing I can imagine this happened for is that both my grandmothers and also my pawpaw are old and sick and could die. And maybe I'm supposed to be here.
Or maybe my dad will need my support. Maybe some more bad shit is going to happen to my family and I need to be here for it.

I have always thought everything happens for a reason but God damn it this is not... Even. Just. Fuck this shit.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

its ONLY tuesday???? ugh

it feels like thursday or something. man...

okay so i slept until 3am and woke up and stayed up until 5am. this is starting to be a habit. but we shall see how if affects my bipolar shit and then decide if i should do something about the waking up

stan is really getting nervous about the thing that is happening and i cant make it better but i am trying to comfort him. he usually doesnt want comforting but he is letting me this time which means he must be in really bad shape mentally and emotionally. =(
i am one of those people who have to obsessively plan and list what will happen so i have a notebook with lists and thoughts about whats going on. i can help make sense of it. i think.
i hope.
we are expecting a phone call any day now.
i'm suspecting wed thurs or fri though.
so much to think about and do and things have to go exactly as planned or pretty damn close or this will all have been a waste of energy and time.
and if this thing doesn't happen then we have the other thing to do--- the back up plan. of him finding something else. which scares the hell out of me. like really really really scares me. because if he looks and cant find it will be like how dad is looking for a job and i cant fucking handle two people doing this especially when stan is the one that takes care of me. i am frightened.
i wish he was happy at his current job and got paid the right amount and things could stay stable.
but on the other hand i really really kind of want to move to KY. i've gotten excited about it. i can dress and act how i want and meet people (this is the thing that will be best for me)and be artsy fartsy and all these things that i have kind of put aside lately. AND i would get to use a wellness center and work out which i need. and get a real doctor and see a doctor and have insurance and i dont know.. just...

in other news.. on top of my nana being sick and possibly having brain cancer
my mawmaw (dads mom) is sick and having issues with her blood or something and i think they made her get a CT today i dont know..
this is all too much on me right now... all the people getting sick. and the BIG THING that is possibly happening (AND all the things we have to do if it happens.. and trust me the list is a mile long!), dad looking for a job and the thing with my brother still bothers me (bless his heart, damn it)
plus i have stan's mom Miss joy to worry about. and also the thing with Stan's cousin being weird.
my pawpaw (nana's husband-moms dad) is starting to show his age and decline in what he can do. he is like... 85? and technically he is doing great for his age but... hes starting to get... you know.
and its sad and i hate it

i'm frightened that all three of my living grandparents are going to die around the same time.

tonight is spaghetti and i dont plan on eating anything but maybe a cup of noodles with garlic salt on them.
stan is going to be very tired and grumpy tonight i am pretty sure. so i have to be in the right mindset to handle that

but yeah

really really really need this BIG THING to work out right. please. please god please.

Monday, June 19, 2017

hello monday

this week will definitely be interesting.

my Dad has a job interview today at 11. an again tomorrow somewhere.
Stan is in automation all day to get ready for the fact that he will be gone on thursday and friday. he is going to Miami for a work thing and will be gone through sunday.
while he is gone my meds run out so i have to call them in and go get them myself-- he gave me the money to do it. which makes me feel weird because i know he doesnt like giving me that much cash at one time. but theres no other way for me to get my meds so thats what gotta happen.

I went shopping yesterday and bought a lot of stuff. clothes. health and beauty things. food. cat stuff.
i spent $75 so all i have left is the change left over from that $20 i broke at the dollar general/biglots in Morehead on the trip.

i did put gas in my car though so i have half a tank. so that will last me a trip or two to town.

i havent talked to my mom anymore about my nana... i need to ask her. i think she is keeping the details from me because she knows i am going to freak out (already did freak out)

today i am folding laundry, riding the exercise bike, helping mom can some peas, patching up stans blue jeans (with the help of my mom), going to try not to eat too much... get back on the diet
and i will play pokemon or magikarp jump or something.

i tried to play pokemon and take on the last thing and i almost got my ass handed to me by a NPC friend character in the game. so yeah i am not as bad ass as i thought. i got more training to do 😬

ok i gotta go do stuff now

Sunday, June 18, 2017

My first awards banquet with my husband -- and some very sad news

So today we went to the Alabama Associated press awards banquet or whatever it's called. APR got quite a few awards and it was pretty cool.

I wore the black dress we got at the yard sale we found a month or so ago (the dress cost $1 you can't beat that) . And everybody said it looked good but I can't look at myself I'm the mirror without immediately seeing my flaws. 
My huge belly poking out making me look pregnant (it's  Reynolds family genetic thing. Most all of us Reynolds folk have this weird round belly thing that happens if we get a little over weight. Hell look at my dad- he looks 9 months preggo all day every day. SRY DAD ITS TRUEEEEE LOL)
Also I see my upper arm fat that flaps around like an old fat woman at bingo night yelling and waving and crap.  BINGO WINGSSS

The other thing that bother me is my fat face. I want do loose weight in my face too. My cheeks look like massive pale white nasty fat just sitting on my face idk whatever

When I get like this I feel really disconnected from my body. Like it's not mine or me... It's just a vessel that carries me around and is like a costume. And right now Im wearing fat suit.
and i should and can change costumes
and i plan on it
just waiting to see what news we hear next week. *fingers crossed* πŸ‘

WTF. Anyway
I talked a lot at the banquet. Pretty sure I was annoying everybody. A usual. Which is why I usually don't talk at all.
here are some photos from today (and tonight after we got home)

this first photo was taken without Stans permission and i might have to take it down when he finds out .... lol he was asleep just now and i thought it was cute.  πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–


when we got home and realized we werent going out to town again i decided to take some photos of myself because i spent a lot of time and effort on my eye make up today. you cant really see it because of my glasses (speaking of which, im getting my eyes checked and new frames/lenses later this year at some point because i cant read shit anymore)

this is us in front of the AP thing. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY MOUTH IN PHOTOS. I CANT SMILE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FREAK AND IF I DONT SMILE I ALWAYS LOOK TERRIFIED. which i am... because i hate people taking photos of me. i can take photos of myself but other people doing it freaks me out. (PS LOOK AT HOW FAT I AM)

we went to a coffee/wine/beer serving place in birmingham alabama and stan actually let me have some wine. THIS TINY GLASS YOU SEE HERE COST $9 (or 8 i cant remember)
i could get two or THREE bottles of arbor mist at walmart for that. FOR FUCK SAKES. i felt so weird drinking that shit i finished my drink and went outside to smoke because god damn

this is the banquet table. they gave every person a little black notebook... that i will be using as my next journal (even though its really small) because it was free and we got four of them. lol (stan got two i got one and we found one that nobody wanted)

this is after the main course.. it was chicken in some kind of unidentifiable sauce (but very delicious, i just dont know sauces) also potato wedges baked and covered in spices. and southern style green beans (they leave them long and cook them differently than i'm used to. like mom always snaps her green beans and cans them. so i had never eaten beans like that before but i added some pepper to them and they were so good i ate stans too because he didn't want them... they are beans and healthy so idgaf)

this is what was on the table when we sat down. a salad and the desserts. so we had to sit there and look at the desserts forever before getting them. they were just sittin there like "HAY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME YOU CANT HAVE ME UNTIL THE MAIN COURSE IS OVER"
i dont eat salad so i ate the two big round croutons (which were soggy/soft and not crispy so that was kind of gross)
the WATER they gave us to drink was in a fancy glass (along with the sweet tea but i dont drink sweet tea)... anyway the water was NASTY. it was obviously TAP WATER. and it was definitely UNFILTERED. i couldn't drink it. it made me sick to my stomach. So my WONDERFUL AMAZING HUSBAND WENT AND GOT ME TWO BOTTLES OF WATER FROM A VENDOR IN THE HOTEL WHERE THE BANQUET WAS BEING HELD)
i have the best husband in the world, guys. 

this is us in the living room before we left
another failed attempt at smiling.
and look i'm fat yall fat fat fat

and now for some completely other kind of news---

I got some bad news today--- and my family  waited until we got home from the banquet to let me know because they didn't want me to be upset and have a bad time there.

so my nana has been taking lots of medications (most of them prescribed to her, but she is also taking over the counter medications that she shouldn't be mixing with her normal meds)
and she has been falling and hurting herself multiple times a day-- so the last time she did it was really bad and they took her to the hospital and she had brain bleeds.
they did some tests and discovered she has lesions on her brain-- so they are pretty sure she has brain canter.
my nana is too weak and unhealthy to survive chemo and she cant have surgery (i dont know why, they just told me thats what the doctor said)
and nana has said that she is okay with that-- that she has lived a long life and she is ready to go whenever its time.
and then she checked herself out of the hospital AMA (against medical advice)
so she's at home now. i dont know how she is doing. i am scared.
they told me that the doctor told nana she will be needing to get hospice to come in soon and be with her.

for those of you who dont know--- my nana and pawpaw took care of me a lot while i was growing up.
i have a strange unspoken bond with my nana that my mother doesn't understand. My grandmother suffers from several mental illnesses (bipolar, schizophrenia, anxiety, eating disorder/body image issues etc. along with physical problems obviously).. as you know these illnesses are genetic. my mother seems to have dodged a bullet on that-- she has some symptoms of hypomania (part of bipolar II) but its never affected her or escalated to mania and dangerous things.

anyways... so i inherited some stuff from nana and when i got older and the bipolar set in full swing (around the age of 21 or so) ... when nana and i had time alone to talk we talked about things that other people dont understand. the batshits. the feelings. the mood swings. the anger and anxiety and fear and paranoia. 
we have an understanding--- i dont know if she still remembers this. with all thats happened and all the medication and illness and her brain going wacky from... cancer...

a lot of my "comfort" foods and things come from time spent with my nana.
Nana always bought me pizza from pizza hut when i visited her. (i had a thin crust pepperoni. she got sausage)
Nana always had vanilla ice cream for me to eat.
There was banana popsicles. 
and chocolate milk. CHOC MILK is what i would say.. i couldn't say chocolate milk. (have a memory from when i was 2/3 or so (yes i remember being that young i remember the house we lived in and the layout of the house and things in the house. my parents are baffled that i remember these things) ...and we walked up the cement walk way to the road and she would hold me hand and we would run (i tried to run lol) across the road to the little store there.. and she would get me CHOC MILK)
and when i was little i would lay my head in her lap and she would pet my head until i fell asleep (and still to this day if you do this i will fall asleep, stan does it to calm me down sometimes, or to comfort me)
I remember wearing my pawpaws big white undershirts he wore under his button up shirts. i wore them as nightgowns when i was little. there was an old school cord phone they had out and i played with it and acted like i was talking on the phone.
Nana and i watched "the price is right" every day i was there and we would play along with the "COME ON DOWN" and I would strutt through the living room or whatever.

at nana and pawpaws... it was a subdivision of houses. and it was a relatively safe neighborhood (back then, its not now) and i would go outside and catch fireflies/lightnings bugs and pawpaw would go and get one of his mason jars he used for canning stuff and give it to me and i would keep them over night and watch them glow.

There was one time i was up there and there was an for real big snow storm and i was stuck there.
I went out and played and nana had me collect snow from the tops of the cars and things, to make snow ice cream.

i gotta stop right here because i could go on forever.

so tomorrow we were going to rest
but we have to get Miss Lilly some food so we are going to walmart and i plan on buying things as self therapy (because i'm a basic white bitch sometimes ok get off me)
Then i have to do laundry, cause sunday is laundry day.
i might do it before we leave.
i dont know

i have been up since 5:30am-- i took an hour nap in the van on the way home
in 3 and a half hours i will have been up for 24 hours

i'm not really tired either (yay hypomania... woohoo bipolar... NOT)

i guess i will go play magikarp jump on my phone 

I CAUGHT A SHINY MAGIKARP--- and before i could get it fully trained a fucking pidgeotto flew in and took it away... SMDH FFFFFFF

Thursday, June 15, 2017

The fastest trip ever

We left Alabama at 8:30am yesterday and we are already on our way home.
Things went good. Life might be getting really interesting here soon!
It's kind of like real life might be starting... If we get a house. I don't even... It's so much adjusting and I am nervous as hell but I am so excited that I am somehow tolerating it so far.
Last night we had dinner with Stan's dad and step mom and i held myself together and talked and it was not easy.
However it was easier than it had ever been. So things are getting better. Baby steps.
We stayed overnight at his dad /step mom place and they have done remodeling and his dad is building stuff and everything looks amazing.
They have a really nice house. It's inspiring like browsing pinterest lol 
This morning I got up at 5:30am which is 30 mins later than I wantes to but I really needed those 30 mins.
And thanks to dry shampoo and such I was ready in time to let Stan have the bathroom when he got up to get ready. I try to get ready and out of the way because it takes me a while to get ready and plus I usually need to rest after getting ready because I get anxious and hot and shaky and sweaty. Yay panic and anxiety 
While Stan did his really really important thing.. I stayed with his mom. And we went shopping. Just a few stores. I found stuff at Big Lots that I want for our house... Making mental notes. Gonna look up pinterest stuff like it. i had a reallly REALLLY GOOD TIME with Miss Joy. and i am excited to live near her soon... hopefully.

I am on Pinterest all the time. And ebay. And snapchat. And Instagram. I am doing making plans and I dunno maybe I am manic or hypomanic. gotta be hypo because I'm not being to terrible yet lol
So yeah I'm blogging on the drive home. I'm surprised I have stayed awake so far. We ran into some serious heavy rain right when we left Morehead. It was so bad I got scared cause couldn't see the road 
So we will be crossing over into Tennessee in a bit. Gonna make a pit stop at the rest station. Then go on.. Traffic in Nashville is going to be easy because it's not rush hour.
We won't be eating dinner until like.. 10pm because of the traveling so I gyros I won't eat dinner. It's ok I had breakfast and lunch today. Which has is more than enough to be honest. I need to stop eating.
I'm a little fattie mcfatterson.
The worst part of this trip has been my sinus allergies giving me severe pressure headache. The entire right side of my face was hurting so bad.
I have spent most of the ride home so far on my phone customizing my icons and wallpapers lol I am easily occupied apparently.
But yeah
SO we will get home around midnight and my poor husband has to go to work tomorrow morning. I am very not happy with this.
And then Saturday is the banquet and I am going... and i am going to feel like a huge fat ass in my dress so I am going to be grumpy and anxious and blah blah blah
Tired of blogging now
About to stop and stretch legs

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Things are happening

It's all happening

Going to KY next week with Stan. Can't go into details. But lots of changes might be happening soon.

Life is about to get interesting.

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...