Friday, July 29, 2016

well i'm alive

Stan's pokemon emulator fudged up and he lost all his progress on pokemon yellow.. so i downloaded another one that will let him save on the emulator.
so now he can play and save and not worry about the battery dying.

i am personally still stuck trying to beat this one gym in my game.

we finally went grocery shopping and i am so happy.
plus we got pizza and that is my happy place.
we are watching pokemon on netflix and eating pizza

i really love how much stan gets into his pokemon game. but he gives his pokemon some really funny names.. like.. inappropriate lol but hilarious

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

still barely making it

but thats okay
i have a lot of angry words to say to the people who control who gets what money raises where stan works but i cant use them because it makes stan look bad.
i have never seen stan so upset and i cant blame him. he busts his ass for them and he gets nothing. that is not okay.
the amount of upset is indescribable

my medication is not right and my therapist submitted  a form to let her know that my medication wasnt right and the closest they could get me in was august 16th so that is just fucking fantastic

i see tara on the 10th which is earlier than the medication adjustment visit so wtf.
also one of the therapist  quit so tara is going to have to keep seeing patients so i dont lose my person that i am used to seeing.. she gets the new position and keeps some of her patients.. or alll of them.. so she is doing two jobs, i know that must be hard for her but i am glad i get to keep my therapist... #selfish

as for the pokemons i am scared to try the next gym (its a dragon type)
 i dont think i can beat it and i'm scared to try

i'm blogging mostly because i need to do something
miss lilly is sitting here on the windowsill
i havent been coloring much
i have done a sudoku puzzle or two though
and i have been journaling ... journaling is the best

it has been ridiculously hot lately like... cannot go outside hot

our washer and dryer are all kinds of fucked up

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Friday, July 22, 2016

pokemon white 2 progress update

so yeah i'm still playing pokemon white 2.
because i cant play pokemon go lol

but thats ok

for now


my party at this very moment is:

  • Drifblim
  • Solrock
  • Azumarill (named Azure)
  • Emboar
  • Sunflora (named Sunshine)
  • Ampharos 

I was hoping to get a Lunatone and not a Solrock but this is okay.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

things are better but not the best they could be

i still think my meds need to be a little higher.. i think 60 mgs of prozac would be best.
but its been so hard to get anything done with my medication i should just be happy anything is good with it

speaking of my meds.. my cat vomited on my pill case and i went to rinse it off--- little did i know the damn thing wasnt sealed and water got into my pills for this week.... a whole week of pills ruined. no salvaging any of them.  which means i will run out of meds early and have to explain to the damn people why and it seems like a lie and because... i mean, who the fucks cat vomits on their pill case? *THIS GIRL* and who the fuck doesnt realize their case isnt water proof? this girl


yesterday we were supposed to hang out with alex and sagen but they had somethings to deal with and that is ok. so stan and i went to the movies and saw "the secret life of pets" which was hilarious and i loved it but it wasnt as good as i thought it would be... but definitely worth watching.

then we went shopping for some stuff
an came home and i almost decided to go to bed but instead i decided that we should play some kind of game together so i got stan to teach me to play poker. i never knew how to play until last night. i love it! we also drank bourbon and i got completely wasted. i dont even remember the end of the night and a lot happened apparently, lol. i fell and hurt my hand/wrist and my knee. and there was some sexy time so that is good. i think it was time for it... now that im not depressed anymore.

so i am almost ready to let stan buy me a 3ds even though we dont have the money.
but what i really want right now is the pokemon go thing to work on my phone.. so we are going to get an upgrade but we have to get my mom to go with us .. the pokemon go thing would make me get up and move around so that would be good for me.

I'm listening to I Heart Radio and Stevie Nicks is playing sooo that is good.
my hand really hurts

i really dont know what to do today

Sunday, July 10, 2016

i've been putting off blogging

1. my nails are so long i can barely type lol
2. i dont have anything to say
3. i have been writing in my real paper journal as much as possible because i need to do that before this
4. shit sucks balls

i found out recently that my therapist that i had finally found and liked is no longer going to be doing therapy
because she is getting promoted to management level position. so yay for her but like... she knew that this would be hard for me because i told her all the times they kept juggling me around and i never get to stay with the same person. and she is doing it to me again.
she is going to see me one more time but after that i am off to meet another therapist and start this long ass process of telling my life story over again.
its takes just as long to tell it as it does for them to decided to leave me.
its kind of traumatizing
as a matter of fact i'm pretty sure i would have a good case against this place if i had to ability to take legal action against it.

stan and i have had some good days and bad days
mostly good though. i am letting him take me out places even though i hate spending money. it helps to get out of the apartment. being here scares me and i just sleep all day. i cant go outside. and now theres a chance we might not move and i dont know how i am going to handle that. more drugs? maybe? who the fuck knows.
maybe once i get pokemon i wiill be better. or at least the 3ds in general because there are more games for it ?? i think? atleast more games that i would be interrested in.

i dont know where stan keeps the nail clippers but let me tell you i could probably perform surgery with these claws. they're so long and sharp. i can barely work my touch screen phone anymore.

i get mad every morning because my cat comes and wakes me up for food but i realize its also very cute and i should cherish it because its what a kid does. i guess pissed is the wrong word. i just want to sleep but she needs to be tended to like a princess. she is  a princess. i swear she is. and she knows it too.

today we have to go shopping but i might stay home because i am unclean and gross
i havent the energy to wash myself in the past few days
i dont smell that bad because i dont go outside to sweat but its still .. i know i'm gross

i have to do laundry today and that scares me because everytime i use the dryer its possible it could catch fire
i have been coloring massive amounts lately and i have almost colored every sheet that i care for coloring and i need new books.

also i think the amount of ITCHY i get corresponds to the length of my nails. like my body knows i have nails and it says "Now You MUST ITCH" i will have to ask Jo is this happens to her (she is the only person i know who keeps long nails all the time)
my cat loves it when i grow my nails out... maybe that is why she is bothering me all the time lol  MOMMMMMMMMM SCRATCH MY EARS MOMMM DAMn it SCRATCH THEM NoWWW

my shift button on the right side randomly doesnt work when i'm holding it down to make text caps i wonder why because i was holding it down the whole time and it randomly didnt work just now

in other news i keep having dreams about being sexually assaulted. it happens almomst every night
i wonder if this happens to a lot of people and nobody ever says anything becase we are afraid to talk about it?
its always so random OR its scary specific every now and then.

i miss talking to people online but i dont know how to keep it up because i cant think of naything to talk about. the person i wanna talk to is kind of busy lately and i dont really need to talk to him all the time anyways. i just like to because he already understands how i flit around from one thing to another and my train of though is non existent. it makes talking to people really hard.

i guess i could try talking to people i already know
but i feel like i disappoint them when i talk about being depressed
which is all the time
so i just dont do that

seriously itchy as fuck right now only on my shoulders im gonna claw the skin off or something i swear
might be dry skin i dunno

right now i am tryig to decide if i want to eat something
i havent pooped in like.. 5 days. maybe 6 days
and my weight is lower than normal because i am trying not to eat because stuff i ate never made it back out and that scares me
where does it go? i dont know but it didnt make it to poop and so if i eat more what happens? am i going to back up and vomit poop? i mean what happens here

that was supposed to be a funny but i think it failed

then i need to play pokemon. i cant beat this gym leader so i have to level up and i dont know where to do that it seems like there are sparse places tolevel up in this city area. so boo ... i did just get them HM fly so i guess i can fly back to places and level up maybe they knew that would be needed and they gave it to us just now for that reason DUH TABS of course they DID.
i'm almost out of fruitloops
(fruit loops is my happy fun play videogame snack)

i need to make a shopping list for stan
this blog entry is really long i am proud of it
i need the little kitten gif from facebook tha ti use when i feel proud i dont know how to get it here though booooooo
*proud cat image goes here*

Saturday, July 2, 2016

shits the pits man

i am alive by the skin of my teeth
they will give me my prozac but they have to take away the ocd medication

so i can't win

also we are having some huge issues regarding the process of getting married and all that is supposed to happen

which hits me really hard because i am so down right now

i am pretty sure this is the worst depressive episode i have ever experienced
i am not showering
or cleaning myself
i am not changing clothes
i dont get out of bed
this has been weeks now
they want to put me in the inpatient treatment program but i refused because of money

the only thing i have been doing is playing nintendo DS crossword and wordsearch that my mom and dad got me when i got my ds

and coloring
i have been coloring like mad crazy all the time
i cant watch greys anatomy because its so emotional... i was so excited to watch it because they put the new episodes up on netflix

blogging is really hard right now

i am finally finishing clothes that needed washing last week

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...