Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Today has been long day

Today I met Stan and the boys at hokkaido  for some delicious foods and I couldn't eat it all so I brought it home.
When Stan got off work we watched more of "worst cooks"  and I colored a lot in my  coloring books.
During the day I've been watching..  Or should I say re  watching House MD..  I'm not that far in..   Just season 2 episode 4 right now.
I remember how the end of the whole thing made me feel so I'm definitely needing to re watch it.

Then after hearing Stan talk about how much he wanted rice krispie treats..  I went to the store and got rice Krispy  generic and marshmallows  and I made him a big  tray of rice Krispy  treats
And I have been happy happy after a little post vacation slump
... Partially caused by all the feels leftover from being around people so much for so many days in a row.  And partially from some bad decisions  regarding foods and how much I ate.  Blaaaaah.
My weight is not a happy thing for me to think about and I don't know if it ever will be.  But I am learning to live with it..  Slowly but surely.  In some weird off the wall way..  Learning to live with an eating disorder...  Gotta love it yo  lol

I need to vacuum and sort my jewelry into baggies
We need to get my jewelry ready to be sold in bulk to possible boutiques around town... Newest project.  Big dreams on this one.

Monday, May 30, 2016

adult coloring book fun

I have been coloring while stan and I watch cooking shows on TV. we are spending some quality time together I think. good fun. the show we are watching is "worst cooks" in America with Bobby flay and chef Anne. Netflix is good for finding new cooking shows

Saturday, May 28, 2016

blogging in the car on the way home

this trip was pretty good in my opinion.
despite the sadness of stans mom being upset over the death of her dog Izzy. she got a new puppy while we were there so I got to play with a new puppy.... And he liked me a lot. they aren't completely sure they are going to keep him yet. But I hope they do. he is a precious little guy.

we went to a little cookout for stans birthday and the burgers they grilled were so good I even had seconds. and I ate leftovers the next day too.
(blogging on the road in the car is crazy weird. pretty fun though)

we are about 10 mins north of Nashville.
there's a ton of traffic.
last night we stayed with stans dad and step mom. they took us put to eat at the nicest restaurant over been to in ages. and we didn't dress up. I felt so inferior so everyone in the entire place. felt do ridiculously under dressed. I had a bowl of soup that was chicken and rice and mushrooms. was the best soup I'd had in ages also. stan ordered dessert and they put a candle in his cheese cake. the cheese cake was literally the best I've every had.
I went to bed early as hell last night. like.. 8 pm. and I slept all night without getting up even once. needless to say when I went to the bathroom first thing this morning I peed for like... a whole minute straight. stan laughed so hard.

wow we are just outside Nashville and there was a mattress laying on the road in the middle of the interstate. people were dodging it like crazy
okay I'm h gonna go play Pokemon in the car now..

Monday, May 23, 2016

This last festival was a fail

It will forever be known as the mayfail fest
There was maybe 15 vendors.  Most of them were garage sale stuff.  Yard Sale.  Tag sale.  Whatever.  There was one other person with handmade jewelry  and he is making bracelets out of sterling silver spoons and charging 30 dollars for one piece of jewelry
But even my prices were not good enough  and even if they were these were some inbred as Sholes that don't even wear jewelry hardly.  Stan had on more jewelry than any other lady there and he is a burly man.
We were  supposed to stay until 2pm but I found the people in charge and told them I was done that I was wasting my time
I lost money.  I paid them money to set up a booth and sweat in the sun all damn day.  I know the money goes to a food pantry for needy hungry people so I'm not that upset I just wish I could have broken even.  Made enough to cover signing up for the damn festival in the first place.
But nope.

Now I have no money for vacation and I have no money for the rest of the year.  I can't even do the festival in  the fall like I did last year because it's on Sept 10th and guess what bitches...  That's the day I'm getting married.  Fml.

I am all kinds  of fucking upset and all I wanna do is sleep 
This vacation better be fun somehow or after vacay..  When we get home on Saturday or Sunday.    I am closing up shop on life for a while.  Calling in sick on the world.
I don't need this shit.  I lost my best friend  and the festival that I was trying to stay sane for and therefore  having to push my friend to the side...  That festival was a collassal  failure in ways I cannot explain.
So I have no friends and no reason to have lost them now that it's all over nothing to show for how selfish I was being and trying to take care of my own mental health  first and now I just want to kill something beautiful.
My blood sugar is low and I'm shaking and the only Reason you can read this is auto correct. I don't even care enough to eat anything I'm just going to lay here  fuck life
Tomorrow I leave and I don't care what happens.  Whatever  just whatever.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Almost gametime

I have tried to keep myself mostly unaffected by the feels of losing a friend this week  mostly because I have a festival to do Saturday.
After that we are going to Kentucky to visit family instead of the beach.

Tomorrow I am packing up the festival stuff and going to mom and dad's after Stan gets off work.  We have to take miss Lilly  because she has to stay there while we go on vacation.  I will hate being away from her bad between sat and the time we leave and while we are gone but she has done this before and she will be okay.  I know she will likely lose weight while at mom's because she doesn't feed her everyday like I do.  Not as much as I do.  They can't have cat food sitting around out in the open because of Aiden    .....  He can't have normal cat food.

I'm slowly learning to trust this predictive auto correct spelling checker..  I know a a lot of  people have funny bad experiences with it but it seems to get what I am trying to type most of the time even though I am ridiculously  off on my touch screen typing.

The festival is probably not going to be that  big but I am hoping to make around $200..
When we go to Kentucky I will be able to interact with people like a semi normal person which will be interesting  since that has yet to really happen.
I also get to go to the awesome places to shop and actually maybe look for something for myself because I should have the money.  And I won't be looking for anything for my friends this time  I just sent something and I don't even know if she is going to speak to me again. Which makes me really really sad but I don't...  Have time to be sad right now.  I have to put my big girl panties on and do  good at this festival and keep my shit together next week in Kentucky. So that's what I'm gonna do.  For me and for Stan.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Setting boundaries is hard

I...  Am very empathic.  Very.  And when I  decide to care about someone it is hard for me to separate their life and things going on from my own.

It's been an issue  for me my entire life  I have done it with my parents all my life and I do it with my best friends now...  Because when I decide to care about someone it's family.  My tribe. And... Being so empathic i have had a really hard time separating others emotions from my own
This doesn't mean the people around me are in the wrong when I can't handle the feels they are having ...  It means I care too much and I am trying to take on their feels when a normal person would be able to separate themselves and not get upset as much.

So I have alienated my best friend over somethings and I am trying to cope with the possibility of losing a friend over things that...  Are super complicated.  But I am supposed to  set healthy boundaries...  Therapist said so..  And I don't....  This is hard okay

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Haven't updated on the tablet in ages

This thing is saying my last blog post was in January.  Since I have no computer this is the only way I can update anything right now.

The crawlfish  boil was okay until I decided to drink all the alcohol and try to make out with our friends girlfriend but I am really not surprised in myself at all  I like the ladies  and she was very touch y Feely herself
I know her reason for  being touchy was  to try and comfort my drunk as but don't you dare tell my drunk ass that
All my drunk ass wanted was ass

End of story

I gained like 10 lbs over the weekend that is from delicious food and alcohol binging
I have to lose this weight  or I will lose my fucking mind.

I am attempting to play pokemon and color in my coloring books
Also I need to get on the exercise bike becaus  my ass is massive

I already put up  stans clothes and unloaded the dishwasher and filled up the water jugs and now I need to fold  the towels  and go to the gas station for cigarette at some point
I will walk the dog and play with thebcat

OH yeah I gotta do the litter box too I forgot to do that yesterday.

I have been watching Deadpool over and over and also Grey's anatomy

And coloring

Such is the life

I have a festival  this weekend and I need to get ready for that

Also therapy  on Thursday afternoon
And we need to get my meds filled before the weekend because we won't be here to get them when they run  out
I guess I need to use my planner  lololollll

I'm gonna  make friendship bracelets for the kiddos this weekend and watch TV
Also wanna say that Karen is my girl and she is always going to be my bestie no matter what I don't care what happens it's till the end of the line kthx

Thursday, May 12, 2016

this weekend is going to be awesome


crawlfish boil this weekend
going to have to take Lilly and Herc

i am feeling a little down

i dont know


i watched dead pool
 and gave the dog a bath
and we trimmed his nails

and now we are watching cutthroat kitchen

Friday: my computer is broken... the screen.
I broke it or... well Lilly did by accident. I don't blame her.. I was being stupid and she jumped off my shoulder and hit it on the way down to the floor.

I just ate breakfast and now I'm watching Grey's Anatomy. soon I need to cook ... Or..well make my chocolate chip cream cheese cake thing.
some updating on my phone using voice to text.

after i bake i got to get a shower and finish packing.


bad feels

pokemon sapphire team update


and torchic evolved

so i have

eventually i will swap out wingull for a grass pokemon that is happening soon gyarados can do the water attacks when i get TMs or he levels up i think i need to check his moveset learning thing but i think he gets a really strong water move soon then i wont need wingull but right now i do because i'm in a volcanic area and there are fire pokemon everywhere i gotta put out that fire, yo #pokemontrainerprobs

electrike is coming along nicely now finally
and taillow is doing good (call him Birdie)
combusken is good because well, he is just good
Sableye is my favorite but i dont use him that much
i wanted to get an Abra but they teleport out of battle if you dont catch them immediately... so i need a special pokeball to increase my chance i think i gotta look up and see what the fuck is up with that or hope to encounter an Abra that doesnt teleport out immediately (fat chance) i need a psychic pokemon damn itttt but a ghost/dark mix will have to do for now

im going to mail Karen's package soon and i am really really excited i dont know why but giving people things gives me the happy all dayyyyy

Saturday, May 7, 2016

long time no posty

life has been pretty good lately

i have had a lot of dreams and consequently more nightmares than normal

but that is ok

i got my mom something for mothers day but she wont get it until we go up there for the crawfish boil
i feel pretty good other than sleeping a fuck ton
i have been playing pokemon on the tablet using an emulator and rom
i'm playing pokemon sapphire

my pokemon are
Sableye lvl 16

Taillow lvl 15

Torchic lvl 15

Zigzagoon lvl 15

Whismur lvl 15

Wingull lvl 17

i'm kind of anal about leveling up everybody at the same speed so it takes me longer to get through most stuff
the reason one pokemon is ahead of the rest is usually because i needed it to be for a gym lol
i am not happy with this party i want a plant pokemon and a better water pokemon than wingull i have taillow that has the flying shit down torchic is obviously fire wishmur is probably going to go when i get something else sableye is staying because he s bad ass normal combo ghost and dark i think ??? a lot of moves dont work on him
zigzagoon is a filler cause i needed more pokemon but he is very hardy and i named him Ziggy so i might keep him because he is reliable to take hit while i heal my other pokemon

we saw Captain America: Civil War and it was AWESOMEEEEEE OMG OMG OMG OMG i didn't let anybody know how much i enjoyed it because all the guys were geeking out and i was having fun listening to them =X lol spiderman made me day seriously he is adorbz i want to hug him and squeeze him and eat him up
so cute
i got the hots for Scarlet Witch though, just sayin
she wears a lot of rings and it makes me like her more
stupid reason to like her more but i liked her before because she is BADASS
the ring thing just makes me feel more connected to her on a personal level
because i wear ALL THE RINGS

i colored in my coloring book today feels gooood mad
and now i'm playing pokemon and wondering what the fuck i'm gonna do all weekend
i should make jewelry but i dont wannaaaaa

Monday, May 2, 2016

some exciting things.. some normal things... and some thing things... idek

i'm doing another festival in mayyyy
also other things i cant talk about hereeee
lots of stuff happening this week
stan as his phone interview tomorrow
and thursday we will be seeing the captain america civil war movie
wednesday stan is going out for dinner with the interns
and today, on monday, stan took food for the interns to eat for lunch

the coooking we did on sunday was almost a disaster but everything is okay somehow

i ate some horrible burnt meat because i wasn't thinking and i have had upset stomach for over a day now

i have been playing  alot of pokemon
and sleeping a lot
and having a lot of nightmares

i feel pretty good
but not good
but good

seems legit same shit different dayyyyyyyyy

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...