Tuesday, April 26, 2016

hello there interwebs

i havent posted in  a long time because i have been super busy living life-- as cray cray as that sounds

all wrapped up in the living shit

i had some kind of feels and decided to go to my parents house last week on tuesday randomly... like.. just up and go
it was the BEST THING EVER.
i ran around town with mom on wednesday while she delivered avon and we had chinese
went to fayette on thursday and saw my nana and pawpaw
and had lunch with pawpaw and mom and had baked chicken and mashed taters precious was so good

on friday i got my ass out of bed and took a shower and shovelled some dirt for my dad around the fire pit and did lots of good things and life was awesome and i felt awesome and i spent time with people and it felt good.
stan got there friday night which made things even better because he was the one thing i was missing
he doesnt realize the adjustment between me at home and me here is hard for me when i stay there for a week pretty much so when i got back here i was all kind of weird feelings

i dont know how to explain it and i was just really angry
i was mad at the world not him
im mad that i cant have both things
i cant have my parents around like that and have him at the same time
i have to adult and pick him and be a wife
and its hard
i picked random things to take my anger out on.. picked fights about stupid shit but its just that... i am having a hard time coping with my parents things.... seeing them for so long on a day to day basis made coming home really strange and i didnt understand why i was feeling the way i did or why i acted the way i did.

and i didnt have a bazillion panic attacks.. i had a few but i stayed away from stan and at home and i was okay i ate food and i was okay things were okay... it was exhausting and coming home made me realize how exhausting it is to be out in the world too

so maybe i had  a hard time adjusting..
i had my game face on for multiple days in a row-- almost a whole week. that is something i have not been able to do in a very very very very very very very very very very long time

cut me some slack for fucks sake

and so now i give you the photos

i wear my sunglasses at night

i got this cool tote bag thing from the thrift store 99 cents... was from old navy. me likey

i got a second planner to be my business and design planner $1.99

and have old planner for personal stuff

and i got a new mood ring cause i wanted one damn it its really good quality too i cant not have a mood ring its just a THANGGG I HAVE TO HAVE ONE OKAY THANKS

i was filling out the dry erase calendar earlier for may and i was writing the may 2 note that they would start reviewing the applications at this job stan applied for on may 2nd because thats what they told him and i looked at my phone and it was 11:11 !!!!! #iseewhatyoudidthere wooooo its all happening

Sunday, April 17, 2016

i have all the happy feels


but now i dont know what to do with myself and all my happys


i'm getting bored

i am obsessing over my etsy shop now

i want time to pass and the future to be here now and i am going insane

Saturday, April 16, 2016

it's all happening

Starting up some things now that Stan and  I hope will be our next big step.


~*~*it's all happening*~*~

so heres the vision boardddd--- "the secret" visionboard for april/may 2016

my cat is playing with a peppermint
she get the batshits too!!!

Monday, April 11, 2016

I have two pokemon badges

and my pokemon have evolved =X

I have a
Flaaffy, Purrloin (Aiden), Marill (Azure), Lillipup (Marley), Sunkern (Sunshine), Pignite

monday monday monday

my blogger thing just had an error and that scares me

anyway i am having a hard time without ephedrine and that makes me sad but whatever

i will get some green tea extract pills and take b complex vitamins and caffeine and that should be good enough i think

i made necklaces today and it was what i wanted to make and i also made suncatchers
they aren't that great looking kind of... i dunno

blue/clearish orbs and pseudo-sea glass

and the "earth air fire water" one is nice, i think

i'm gonna hang them from the fishing line out front on the porch

I am wanting to decorate for a holiday but idk what to.. do... maybe just summer spring
until Beltane.. may 1st

there's a festival near my parents house that happens every two months or so i think and if i can get in there and go every time and get people to tell me what they want and i make it and get customers that would be good.

i have to have a project like this or i will go insane
i am trying to find things to keep myself busy

well i am disappoint

i didn't sell enough at the festival
feel sad

now i have to sort all my jewelry into baggies again
and wash clothes
and try not to lose my mind
and sit here
and sit here
and yeah

i'm watching Animaniacs and shit
i dont know
i want to sleep
but i cant sleep anymore

i dunno what to do
 i sorted all my necklaces today!!! already

i have to hang up clothes and dry and fold towels
i dont feel like doing it because when its done then i will have nothing to think about doing.. nothing to do

i want to eat and sleep and eat and eat and eat and sleep

just salty canned soup and stuff here
i barely have any pretzels or animal crackers and i dont really want them
i have some yogurt but i would have to eat like. 4 of them to feel full and i have only.. 6? so that is almost all of them just to feel full for a few hours

i will have to eat soup
i guess


Thursday, April 7, 2016

replaying pokemon white 2

dats my ds... i will hopefully get a 3ds soon

this is my party right now

and because this is serious business to me

???? ok GOOOOO --------

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

copied from my private blog... happy birthday to me

 i'm 30 years old

i'm a dried up shrivelled old hagggggg


this morning i got up and got pretty and took a nap until 11 and then went to the library
and got two books
"magical thinking" by Augusten Burroughs and "Make Something Up" by Chuck Palahniuk

then i went to my psych/nurse appointment and they adjusted my meds again =(
i also had to do a drug test

which i passed, obviously

here are some photos because i want to post things

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

its april 5th

as of like... 50 mins ago anyway

wednesday is my birthday and i will be 30 and holy crap im old omg

i am going to ask the psych to give me back my prozac at 60 mgs ... i dont think 40 is going to be enough

i have weird feels and i hope the festival is going to be okay

i dont know what to do about.... anything really. the festival is all i have to think about... 
i dont think we will have a wedding and i dont want one
 i dont know if we will even get married this year or not
maybe next year.
i thought we would do it sooner rather than later but it seems like it might be later... all i know is i dont want a wedding and all that money wasted.. i want a cook out with my family and friends to celebrate sometime around the time we get married... and when we get married i want parents and grandparents there.
and gordon and krista and april and tanner and mac and thats probably it... April was going to be my matron of honor.. krista was going to be a bridesmaid because she is gordon's ladyfriend and theyre practically engaged but not...  and tanner is stan's cousin and best man and mac is stan's best friend.. so.. i mean maybe i could have Jessica or Julie too..... to even it out? i just like things to be even i guess its an ocd thing but i just gives me bad feels to have un even extra people.. 

i dont even knowwwww i just want it to be done withhh bahhhh

we are already married in practice what the hell is wrong with just... doing it already

im not upset
i'm just blaaaahhh


i just want to be Mrs. Ingold already please can we just fast forward to that?

i've stayed up making a few necklaces and watching V for Vendetta-- its almost over.. Stan hates it... but i love it.. we just have to agree to disagree

i wish i were sleepy!!!! lol

atleast i dont feel like my head is splitting apart at the same time i'm wide awake.. i just feel calm and awake


<--dats bikeeee="" get="" i="" me="" on="" p="" the="" when="">

Monday, April 4, 2016

we've been engaged for a year now

and dating for two years.
seems like 5 years, but not in that bad way .. the good way like. i am happy and lost track of time because i am happy and living life.

Stan and i have been fighting a lot lately--- i'm going through a lot psychologically and mentally and its making me really hard to live with and i want to thank Stan for being so patient with me. i think he has almost wanted throw in the towel here lately and i can't express quite as well as i wish i could, the fact that i am amazed and grateful and feel unworthy of this. always. still. not sure if i will ever feel good enough and it eats at me.

the festival is this saturday and i hope maybe i will feel less insane after that but i have a pretty big feeling that after its over i will feel really empty and more lost because i wont have a project or big event to think about.

i mean, if we knew we were getting married at all that would be something but i dont even know if we are or how its going to happen and what i need to do to get ready? because we havent put any solid plans down after unofficially officially calling off the wedding but not telling anybody really. oops.
its not that we arent getting married-- we are. we will. i just dont know when. and i dont want a wedding. its stupid and wasteful and thousands of dollars we would be outing parents for no god damn reason. its selfish. it's the most selfish thing girls DO.. and i HATE that about women... the selfish thing. so no. no wedding the same reason i dont like expensive clothes and make up that has to reason to be expensive. its just stupid. its even MORE stupid because you dont get to USE a wedding for months like you can use a piece of clothing or make up. its just NEEDLESS SHIT SPENDING and i wont have it.

this is random but i wake up every night around 1-4 am and i am so fucking hungry
like its enough to wake me from dead sleep
every night
if i'm asleep, that is
my blood sugar crashes sometimes and i just lay here in misery because i will be damned if i eat in the middle of the night. i might have a peppermint. or a bite of something. i should take a glucose tablet when that happens, and i will probably start doing that. but i will go through them faster and then have another thing i have to ask stan to buy me.

i hate being needy and asking for every little thing i need. it makes me feel worthless and he doesnt understand that.
or doesnt care.

not sure what i'm gonna do right now.
not really sleepy

Sunday, April 3, 2016

happy 2 year anniversary to Stan and me

best 2 years of my life so far!!!

we saw Batman v Superman or whatev and it was pretty.... bad but ok? i mean, it wasnt as bad as Stan led me to believe it would be but I dont know a lot about ... stuff...

my parents surprised us by asking us to dinner after the movie so we ate out

i have eaten enough to feed a small city

i am going to be huge
i am so SWOLLEN too because everything i'm eating is full of sodium

and i'm on my period

fuck my life

i'm awake at 5am
as usual lol
i go to bed really early though
and also nap
i am weird

i have no energy
also another reason i'm going to get as fat as a house
boo you whore and other such things

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...