Friday, February 26, 2016

fabulous friday yall

earlier this week i was very sick and it was kind of... scary.
like the fever and nightmares and and chills and sweats and i dont even know... it was bad

then we had hump day #halfweekhumping literally irl and omg yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
like yay

thursday was a whole big.... come to jesus meeting. mega emotional and none of the interwebs business


tomorrow is saturday herp a derp and Stan has to do a fundraising thing for APR and after that we are supposed to play Cards Against Humanity at a coworkers house and that will be super fun i think i hope.

i have the basic ideas for a book that i want to write and that is super exciting and i cant wait to start doing that
i plan to do "character research" and do things that a character is going to do in the book to see how people react like this is so fun
fun fun fun

i am really excited to fucking stuff my face with food tonight i have tried not to eat much today an i hope to enjoy this evening.

i hope this weekend is good and i hope we hear something soon from future prospects....

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

half week humping version shit week point oh

i thought my blog title was clever.

this week was supposed to be pretty good but i think i set off some kind of off balance in the universe by asking for way too much than we deserve i think

oh well

if we still get it i will gladly bear this burden
just sayin

thats the tl;dr

on monday i became ill with some kind of infection in my throat which i thought was over (its now wednesday) but i have been mistaken and it hurts almost as much as it did initially (this is written this morning at 5am)
luckily i now have proper throat numbing lozenges and i may be better able to endure this (along with the aid of fever reducing medications)

the theme of the last two days has been: "so many nightmares not enough time"
the last nightmare at 4am-- fall asleep-- sleep paralysis then i but i dont wake up and it happens over and over again and the last few times it happened i was being raped and assaulted  by a stranger in the the room. i dont know who the person in the dream was supposed to be though i am sure it is a subconscious memory i am suppressing from when i was drugged and raped many years ago
this kind of dream happens every few years... sometimes months.. i try not to think and piece it together--- i dont want to know there is no justice to be sought after so long--- my mind seeks to bring light to things i wish ti banish-- this is a same shit different day kind of thing for me

i had therapy yesterday and i called in sick because i was in bed... and since i did not stir for two days--- my body is stiff beyond comprehension. no amount of stretching out seems to alleviate this enough to make it tolerable to start moving around and continuing with activities

today i will attempt to do all house work i can save for mopping and sweeping because my back hurts and i dont want to make it worse with physical activity

i need to catch up on other things that are too insignificant to mention here

i also have decided to start a new blog project that i am going to add to this blog where i discuss really weird thing i think about at 3 am that are sometime deep and philosophical and sometimes just really fucking weird and obscure and make no sense.

you know-- projects are good for me. keeps me busy. etc etc.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

and just like that-- i'm sick

note to self: abstain from urge to scope out the dumpsters for stuff people throw away for no reason even though these people here do throw away perfectly good things all the time.
that is the only thing that i have done that could have gotten me the flu or some other kind of thing... my entire body hurts. i dont want to move. i cant do anything but wake up-- eat a little-- fall asleep. write a few sentences in my journal... sleep... wake up pee.. sleep..
yeah i guess now that i think about it i didnt wash my hands promptly... after that. contamination.
and way to go i have legitimate fodder to obsess over things more now woohoo fucking a. sweet as hell. doesnt get any better than this. #ocdprobs

i cant even read.
i can barely write
this is easier than writing because my arm isnt tensed up holding the pen

i dont want to go back to sleep but i dont think i have anything else i can do right now if i stay awake i feel worse and cry more
my temperature is 98.2 which is high for me and i have taken two dayquil doses and an 800 mg ibuprofen. in fact my body temperature increased AFTER taking said things.
so its not getting better... like fighting, i guess. its just sickening... er... more.... wtf i cant word today

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

WEBCAM PHOTO POST... also its tuesday... this is whats up so far for this week...

so this week i have... moved my wedding gown try on appointment that was on thursday and im going by myself because i want to take my time and i am very slow when it comes to looking around.. 
AND cause it was so rainy and booooooo on monday.

today i am baking all the valentine's day goodies i want to bake this past weekend but we were too busy being awesome for me to have time to bake... so i am baking today. i have finished up the laundry today and i will start on the floors if i get the time but if not....p tomorrow i will get on the vacuuming and moping everything.

all my plans are shifted a day but i have buffer days in my schedule at the end of each week so its cool.

friday night we are going to mom and dad's house as soon as stan gets off work
so we can go to mawmaw's 80th birthday party on saturday at noon. it will be so much fun, i just know it!!!!

and then we will come home and do our sunday thing... i hope.. which is chinese and a movie.

also here are some webcam boredom photos i took while i was bored yesterday

this is my new journal with a TIGER AURA CAUSE I AM A TIGER OK 

more after the break yall

Sunday, February 14, 2016

saw Pink Box Burlesque last night in Tuscaloosa

was freaking AWESOME
its very body positive and inspiring. and i feel better about my own curvy body now that i did before-- i thought i might get sad because it would make me feel fat but it made me feel more.. normal.

I guess I either just got too exhausted or maybe caught a cold or something but I have been really tired yesterday and today. I slept a lot of yesterday. and i DID sleep all of today so far.
I am also really cold. and sweating and cold.

I cant really be arsed to eat anything today despite really really wanting chinese food but hell we just had some last night but not the kind of stuff i really really like but it was still delicious. we were GOING to go to a fancy pants place last night for dinner but they dont do reservations there (though they obviously SHOULD take reservations they had people waiting outside the building in the cold and it was fucking ridiculously packed, so we left and went somewhere faster)

I am kind of mad at myself but i dont think i will be washing any clothes today.
i will do it tomorrow.
tomorrow i am also going to David's Bridal and trying on dresses with one of my bridesmaids. I think, unless she gets too busy. which is ok. I think I can go by myself because they are atleast EXPECTING me to come because i put on my big girl panties and called them and told them i was going to come so its not like i'm walking in by myself and nobody is expecting me to be there... they will be looking for me. so that makes it feel like awkward maybe.

i think i can feel my medicine starting to work but every time i think i do i get another day that i feel like the poops
so i just need to stop thinking about it and let whatever is going to happen go a head and happen

i am getting behind on my book reading i think i feel like i havent finished any books in a long time thought to be fair i did read a lot really fast in january and i did read some shorter female crime sleazy romance novels that are meant to be read in like two days so that is why i got through so much and now my standards are too high.. the other stuff i usually read takes longer and i need to keep reminding myself of that

i am sitting here typing and being amazed at how fast i can type. its pretty freaking sweet and i wish i could get some kind of data entry job where i read off stuff and type it in the computer or maybe listen to stuff via audio and type it in. i have no idea how i could get a job doing that kind of thing without going to school for it or something but god damn, do i really need to take classes to teach me how to type really fast from reading something or hearing it spoken aloud? no i dont. i am just good at it damn it. i mean yes i leave out apostrophes and commas and punctuation a lot but i could easily go back and fix it... the time i save by not trying to get those things in the text the first time around is enough time saved to proofread and fix it later and also i have to proof read anyways to make sure its good so i can do something i am already needing to do plus something else and its fuckng fine

i dont know i need to stop typing now my head is starting to hurt

my wonderful fiance went to the store for me even though he doesnt want to and i fee bad because i asked him to go on his day off i wish i could have went myself but even if i were feeling good i dont have themoney--- he does. and he doesnt want me to do it. so thats that.

my head is killing me ahhh

i hate it when i get randomly sick and tired and have no.... oh wait--- i keep forgetting that i havent taken a multi vitamin in over a week i guess maybe that would be a good thing to help this  i usually take them everyday but i ran out and i havent gotten more yet and now i guess i knows i need to.


this next week is going to be a lot of house cleaning because i feel like i havent been doing it enough and then on saturday my mawmaw is having a birthday party for her 80th birthday!!!! i get to see my family and have fun and yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayyayayayayayayayayayayayayaayyayayayayayayyay.

so i need to make it through the week and get my ass to my parents house friday or something and g saturday and yeah.

thats all i got for now

Friday, February 12, 2016

lots is happening in february it seems!

so yeah in february...

we've got the deadpool movie that just came out... on the 13th stan and i are going to have valentines day dinner at a nice italian place and... Bama had her baby!!!!  and
stan and i are going to see a burlesque show at a bar in town and.... NEXT weekend is mawmaw's 80th birthday party

also all my medication changes... yeaaaaah

so pawpaw will be 81 when we get married and my mawmaw will be 80.
i am just praying they hold on long enough to see it.... please please please. its one of my scary intrusive thoughts that my ocd is hammering into my head... that my grandparents will all die before i get married

i am kind of just... rotating through obsessive thoughts all day but... you know-- thats what i've done my whole life and i think maybe someday soon it will stop. i deserve better damn it.

i am eating pizza tonight which is INSANE I AM GOING TO GET FAT AGAIN AHHHH

oh well i have a few months to fix it before the wedding =X lmao
i am so horrible its like a project
get fat
lose weight feel great miss food start eating start over again every few years yep
thats me
eating disorders for life, yo.

or some shit

okay i am going to eat my pizza, journal, and then pick out my outfit for my valentines date tomorrowwwwww
also possibly color in a lisa frank coloring book

the internet here has been going out a lot lately.. boooooo

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

hello internet long time no posty

i have been trying to keep my head on straight for the past week and i think i might have finally made some progress
its going to be another three weeks or so before the medication for OCD starts working

and yes, i have been officially diagnosed with OCD
and apparently, from talking to my therapist-- who ALSO has OCD and is on medication and able to work--- the wide range of different "obsessions" and "compulsions" and "intrusive" thoughts i have are why i am having a harder time than most people... because most people just have germ issues. or counting numbers. or whatever... and i have many different things at the same time on top of each other.

she told me that it is NOT normal to have these things going on-- but for someone with severe OCD it IS normal. so we are having to differentiate between things when we say they are normal... like- are they normal for people without mental illness? or are they normal for people WITH mental illness.
big difference there-- have to remember which context people are talking to me in or i feel like i am being belittled and and dismissed and that is almost traumatizing in a way.

so right now I am on the following medications:
40mg prozac (SSRI for depression and also helpful for anxiety)
40mg latuda (depression and antipsychotic)
15mg buspar 3x a day (anxiety medication)
50mg luvox (depression but targets OCD)

so thats that

i am kind of unsure if the wellbutrin will be missed i think we might add it back later. my prozac is a lowered dose ... it was 60mgs. and the buspar is a higher dose because my anxiety is fairly crippling at this point.

i am almost done with my Salvidor Dali art print journal and it has been my favorite so far!!!
the pages are really thick and there wasnt as much pages so it went by pretty fast... i used it up in less than a month

my head is feeling weird again today which makes me think maybe its the medication starting to work
its not a BAD weird just different almost like there is less pressure inside my brain i dont know how to explain it.. i just want to sigh a lot and lay here for a bit cause its a relief to have... some relief

i want to overhaul my blog layout and i will have to get a good image editor and brush up on some code stuff i think.. but it will be worth it

i am waiting for the garbage people to empty the dumpsters so i can take out the god damn garbage i have three bags here and its really gross and i cant FULLYYYYY relax until its gone and even then i have to unload the dishwasher and wash dishes and dry pillows and and get ready for dinner and fffffff
it never ends
but i am making it work
that is the thing that matters

my therapist told me that just getting up at 7am each day and feeding my cat and walking the dog is something to be proud of when you think about how bad things are ... that i am able to still take care of pets and my plants and keep house... i am doing ok. i need to realize that the fact that i am keeping house somewhat clean is better than some people do at all. and im doing it.
and im taking care of pets and my man and i journal and i talk to April and and mom and i am trying to plan a wedding so i just need to realize that... i am ok... even the little things are victories
even the tiniest things

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

wednesday wed nes day feb 3, 2016

today has been okay but... very exhausting emotionally/mentally
i think i have found.... THE perfect man
stan stayed home from work to take me to indian rivers today to get my medicine so i didnt have to do it alone
and its good that he did because, just like a suspected-- they didnt have it fucking in and right and if he wasnt there i would have probably gotten the crazy people ambulance i'm sure they have on stand by called on my ass

i have yet to have to happen... well there was that one time but that is like a past life and i was drinking on meds and it was all kinds of wrong

i know better now and i am a different person

that being said

my extreme FEELS lately are from the usual stuff and the continued increasing ocd problem  ... and then the medication adjustments that are being made and.. i wont have any idea if any of it works until like.. three weeks from now

so fucking fuck fuckity fuck you know i dont really just... all i can do is sit here and read books and watch netflix and play house and wait to see what the fuck happens


not a very good feeling ya know

but there are a few tiny things to look foreward to.... going to the movies... mawmaws birthday party... chinese food sundays and pizza fridays
i just have to watch what i eat in the week so i can have them on the weekend =X i dont wanna yo yo in my weight.. i need to stay at this weight so my wedding dress alterations will be good when we get one and have it altered
this is very important


i need to go eat my eggs and english muffin and watch tv and i dont know bye

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

tuesday stucks -- yes thats a typo and no i dont feel like changing it

i got up at like 6am and washed my hair and got dressed and went to the fucking mental health clinic to get my meds and the fucking pharmacy isnt even open today like what the fucking hell they cant do that shit they cant close randomly and not tell anybody that is not cool people cannot handle random shit like that i cannot handle random shit like that i cannot handle it and i will notjnaedoighoilghoarfjhgraf
fucking fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck shit shit fuck
so i had a fucking panic attack in the middle of the place and left and sat in my car for a while then i called stan and told him and started driving home
then i came home and slept for an hour or two i dont even know

then i got up and stan had to leave for work and i felt semi ok but i know MY MEDS ARE ALL KINDS OF INSANE TODAY AND ALL THIS WEEK SO THERE is NO TELLING WHAT TH EFUCKING HEL IS GOING TO HAPPEN

they are taking me off wellbutrin completely
lowering my prozac 20 mgs
upping my buspar to 15 mgs 3x a day (it was 10 mg 3x a day)
and adding this antidepressant that is tailored for OCD that i have never taken before
they are upping my latuda to 40mgs (it was 20)

i have stopped the wellbutrin
and i will lower the prozac tomorrow...  cant do the latuda until THEY OPEN THE FUCKING PHARMACY FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK and its an ANTIPSYCHOTIC which is kind of IMPORTANT

the new anti depressant i am waiting until everything cycles out so i can get all my refills on the same dayyyy
i am going to be an ungodly mess thsi week i dont think anybody realize how much changing meds can fuck you up and they are adjusting like.... four? five? i dont even know. its like.. thanks.. thanks for fucking me in the ass you fucking shitbags

ad now there are storms and i saw death omen earlier today and i am freaking out and wtf god damn it
i cant handle this i am going to go journal offline and watching abc3340 live feed

i forgot to tell stan i got a new planner and i love it and i have decided to i will probably keep my planner lol i just.. i needed a project and the fauxdori kept me occupied because i had to figure it out ok i am stupid and i need things to keep me occupied
i like the fauxdori for on the go artsy journaling and stuff but i need to keep my planner because its just.. its just for real legit a planner.. i can use the other thing as an on the god brain dump notebooks of sorts for snippets or things that come to me when im out and about.. so i will slim it down i guess i dont want to get rid of it

i need to read this book i got at the book store and shit
i dunno


ahhhh  i like this book!!! yay!!!
i have also decided to up my reading goal to 100 books in 2016.. i've finished 10 in january alone.. i think i can do it..

its been stormy tonight but not as bad as they said so i feel better.. less anxiety... oh  i just looked and this isnt even the main line thats coming haha wow that is gonna be late late tonight maybe tomorrow morning ughhh thats cool i wanna stay up and read anywayyyy

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...