Friday, January 29, 2016

tgif pizza and movie night

yes yes yes
we are going to try the ALDI version of the marketside pizzas that walmart makes.. its like.. $2-4 cheaper and if they're good thats where we will be getting them from now on

also i got some chocolate pudding for stan to try-- its 19 cents cheaper than anywhere else.  and if its good that is something. also they have their own store brand of those blueberry breakfast biscuits for $1.99 and if those are good i would like to have those for breakfast because they are very filling
also.. they have a package of hotwings that is 14oz for $2.99 and if that is good-- its like...a dollar cheaper per ounce i think than the great value ones in the plastic bags we have been getting

i will do the math to be sure

also a package of cookies that is  $1 at dollar tree and walmart an everywhere else is 89 cents there and if its just a good.. i mean, every little bit counts. and i might not be able to get food stamps anymore after this month so i need to be SUPER FRUGAL HOUSEWIFE OF STEEL
which actually gives me another "project" in hunting down even lower prices and clipping coupons so hey-- maybe this is a good thing. #thinkpositive ok thanks

i'm gonna try not to eat a lot so i can enjoy my pizza this evening

so excitedddd i havent done this yet.. its will be amazing
i dont have any clue what size i wear!!! i havent had a formal gown in ages.. and when i did i was seriously overweight.. i was wearing a 14 my senior year--- it had room for my boobs-- that was the biggest problem... but since this is a wedding dress we will be wanting to actually take the time to get it altered to fit right... so a bigger dress will probably still be needed but we can atleast make it fit properly else where this time... for once lol
my body is weirdly porportioned


i am kind of more excited about the shoes... theres this store going out of business  here and if they have some that are white to be dyed that will work and then get a little embellishments or two brooches that match and there we go.. i want to DIY the fuck out of this wedding ok thanks
i love projects and if im good at this hell-- maybe i could help other people i know who need help with theirs and maybe make some money? who knows. i dunno.. my mind is flying around right now
i need to drink some kava tea and write in my journal and also i have come up with some of the "goals" i was asked to come up with for my therapy sesssions and i need to get those written down before i forget them

ok i need.... stop talking go away... ok lol

okay got some of that done and working on getting some other things sorted

i just washed the dog its 2 oclock i am doing good i think =)
i am going to make something for karen for her bday because she likes my stuff and she also said that bracelets she buys are too big for her because her wrist is small so i can make it for her

okay-- i gave herc a bathhhh and then when i was walking herc i talked to a girl who lives here and she just sits at home bored all day too and she likes dogs and she was checking her mail and  gave me her magazines that she doesnt even read she was going to throw away.. i told her i clip the pictures up and make collages out of them and she was like "oh i like arts and crafts too!"

when she told me her apartment # i was like.. wait... thats where i live just reversed and sure enough... ours  is 1415.... she is in 1514.

i feel really dizzy and confused with all thats happened to a lot has happened today i also hit my head on the freezer door pretty hard and...

after i typed this indian rivers called me to tell me that they are changing how the deliver my latuda and that i wont have to come in and get it anymore-- it will be mailed to us starting in march

okay i am cooking the pizza now and trying to keep my head on straight i feel like everything is going in circles really loud and nothing is happening but i just cant.. shake that... feeling that too much is happening and i missed something i dont know... the feels about not remembering what happened day to day is bad.. i tried to write it all down as best i could and i will do more before i forget i hope

i really really really hope i get to look at wedding dresses tomorrow with mom =X

Thursday, January 28, 2016

i cant believe its only thursday

today i am supposed to "take it easy" but that does not exist in my mind no matter what i do so i dunno

i took my newest Rx to walmart and they will have it filled this weekend and i will get to start my new OCD medications and the higher dose of buspar for anxiety

i journaled a lot in my Dali print journal and i feel better... i also cried
i dont know why or how but when i cry its like the heat and pressure leaves my faces and head through the tears... i dont know its... im probably just pathetic but hell if i need to cry to feel better im going to fucking do it- its not hurting anyone

i got yogi stress relief tea with kava which is something i havent tried yet.. and a chamomile tea of higher quality than i've ever had and im double bagging them and now i m going to read or watch netflix and eventually color in my coloring books because i need to do that

my legs are really sore and i guess its because i keep stretching them out a lot when i wake up to get my body feeling flexible and the blood flowing and i think i am over stretching so... it hurts to walk.. all the time everytime i walk

i took stans starwars tissues that i bought him and put them on the bed here--- so sorry hon, i have confiscated your xmas present

i thought we would go out to hear music tonight but i dont know if i can leave te house again
the store was.. it was the worst ive been with the anxiety in a long long time.. everybody who looked at me asked me if i was okay.. god damn it i am fine just let me get my shit so i can go home this is horrible and almost physically painful for me okay thanks

i am goign to stop typing now
for a bit

its 12:30

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

...hump days can be sad days too...

i finished one of those books that i bought on a whim and it was creepy awesome good
now i have to read more jane austen and this other love psycho thriller novel or whatever lol

i am about to transition into a different kind of day keeper... with the fauxdori and what not...  that happens in february

stan fried chicken yesterday and it was DELICIOUSSSS
things might be moving forward in the social security disability thing and it is right on time because i am getting really really scared everyday about things happening and not knowing what is going to happen is... it is just... not.. not okay.. ok not okay

i cried a lot today and i didnt even mean to
it just happened
i was sobbing
i cant explain it and its happening again

i am not sad i am just worried everything is going to fall apart and i will be crushed and my life will be in pieces and i will have nowhere to go and i dont know what to do to make it stop everything is is wrong
everything is dirtty and contaminated and i have to ignore it and block it out if i think about it i will lose my mind... its getting harder to keep it together and i just want to sleep for a long time but i cant even sleep hardly and i just.. i cant shut off.. there is no rest. i dont unwinds the pressure just gets higher
i don tknow why i am sharing this i dont know anything i just want to hit pause and not have any thoughts at all for just one second.. just one second i want silence in here but it never comes... it never slows down


an hour later i have cried and sobbed and stan has held me and we have talked and some pressure is gone from my head.. i have to do soothing things.. i dont know

when we start the medication change this weekend i hope things will start to turn around
just keep swimming and shit yo

Monday, January 25, 2016

monday jan 25th

i am trying to get back into the swing of updating stuff like my blog and twitter and what not...

i did a lot of grocery shopping earlier and got it out of the way was for cold stuff so i wanted to get it done and be done with it because i cant really shop after getting cold stuff and ... whateeverwhatever

there have been tons of helicopters flying around really low here today is creeping me out a lot i sat near a window and watched one fly by the window over the trees across the parking lot wtf

i started a chore chart for this week

and im cooking tonight and folding clothes and i dunno shit is happening and i just need to keep going even though im sad
but the ocd shit is not any better yet because we havent got the meds yet because... well we havent run out of the ones from this time yet and i dont know it just seems stupid to get them filled when i dont need the rest of them and i dont know.. i like having them all filled at the same time so its easier to remember and if i just get one filled and not the rest it will be hard to remember and one of my fears is not being able to remmeber things and omg ok i talking in a circle

i just went back to the store for more stuff

yay yayayayayayay

i am excited about cooking tonight

aaaand its now 7pm and i have cooked and it was delicious
simple hamburger helper i didnt even do anything but follow directions and add extra italian seasoning and garlic powder blah

there is a music band thing that i might get to go to this week and hear music and people i know will be playing and yay

im starting to transition into my fauxdori

i am reading random thriller crime novels by women who write book after book after book... lol.... i think this might be my new thing... ITS SO HORRIBLE.  i love it

i need to write in my paper journal now so this has to stop..  

atleast i updateddd

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

happy hump day yall

its humpdayyyyy which means... i am... cleaning the bathroom-- and i have already done it... it was exhausting and i will probably be sore from scrubbing so much but i dont care feels good man i need the exercise

tonight i am cooking dinner for the first time in weeks and i am excited about it.. i might not eat that much of it but i do want to cook something who knows this might be the last month i have foodstamps to do this

i used the voice recorder stan let me borrow for the first time today... and this was after i had decided to give it back to him lol i'm weird.. but i just recorded myself rambling and talking about shit that was bothering me and i will take it to tara because i have trouble making completely sentences and thoughts come together when i am anxious and there and under pressure to do so but if i have recorded myself when i am not under pressure i can get things out and i hope this becomes a good way for me to communicate with my therapist and psychiatrist because i do not converse well i just... stutter and say the wrong words and its really weird i honestly think i might have some kind of other mental thing going on i just dont know what it is...

i am going to read now.. i finished the last book in the "dark is rising" series last night and it made me so sad because its over and i never wanted to finish it i just kept putting off reading it because its over and its OVER ok.. i dont want it to beeee i love ittt

i guess i will have to indulge in the Madeline L'Engle stuff now... a wrinkle in time has already been read and i have the other books in that set and there are more books that branch off i think about the families ---which is how i first read "an endless circle of light" by chance and got into reading those books... in that series that are kind of related but not.. i think i dont know.. its... i need to look up a flow chart hierarchy family thing for the characters and see how they are connected because i am sure they are. but then you know.. when i finsih all those book i will be even more sad because thats another of my favorite things that is over and booooooooooo
i will have to find something else to be enchanted with.... oh my.. what possibilities

i have so many books to read...
i have started watching netflix again and its cutting into my reading time lol.. no good no good.
okay i am going to shut up now and go read until i need to start cooking dinner- which is a good time from now so i should be able to get a lot of reading done, i hope.

lol jk i cuddled with the dog and took an hour nap. i seem to be taking 1 hour power naps every day now but it works pretty good. i wake up on my own and usually realize it exactly an hour last i checked time

i am getting drowsy again though and i am sad because i dont want to be tired and cooking dinner though it wont be hard to cook i just dont... wanna be all whiney while im doing it

i need to decide what book to read.... i know i'm going to read another Anna Katharine Green novel and this "self help yes you can" book but i surely need to read some of the random paper back books lying around... right?

however right now i think i will add to my positive thought notebook in my fauxdori.. or.. nap... again... maybe... i dunno

Monday, January 18, 2016

jan 18, 2016

today was... laundry day and trash day and i did all that and i also baby sat Mac's kitty
he is a handsome little man, isn't he? =3

my cousin and his wife have moved out here near Cottondale and that is like... 5 mins from here? yeah, so.. maybe i will get to have a friend soon... and they have kids-- little boys.. so i can get a feel for that cause WE REALLY NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE BOY OK..

oh yeah, the baby thing.

its gonna happen someday
there are tons of people who shouldn't have BREED that do--- why cant i have a kid if i want one. its not fair. so fuck it. im having a baby.. hopefully a boy... end of story. he will be a little norse viking and he will be mighty.

i have started micro managing  my chores in a different way-- using a kids chore sheet from dollar tree that i got a while back and will probably get more..... lol

 and that will be good because i am going t try and pull away from the big leather planner and just.. have the day journal in composition notebooks and the fauxdori month calendar to set dates and all the journaly artsty note taking thing in it..  the leather planner will be the base reference i guess i will leave it here all the time...i am working on a place to keep it so that it can stay out and just lay there so i can reference it at whim

tomorrow i have to go get my new medication script from the crazy people place and maybe this stuff for OCD will make life easier to live

i dont know i just... maybe someday... you know?

uh anyway

its gonna be cold tonight and i am wearing three pairs of socks and a sweat shirt to bed and i don care i like it cold

i thought i would have more to say but i guess i don't =(
i started my new journal--- it has a Dali print on it and i love it

i dunno imma go do something else now

lol i wish

Friday, January 15, 2016

okay i need to update its been a while

this week has been... well, its been good to go back to normal after the Puppy rescue shenanagens and the reynolds christmas festivities and.... what not

i have tidy upped a lot of the apartment and i have also started going through my wedding planning stuff and trying to make some decisions on what i want.

i bought a thick vinyl imitation leather placemat type thing and upgraded my fauxdori travelers notebooks thing

i covered my tablet case with adhesive fabric tape today to make it girly instead of neon green

today i looked at hair styles for the wedding and sketched some centerplace piece ideas that i liked...
my fauxdori is easier to take with me on the go so i can put notes about wedding stuff in it while im out and about... i need to go to michaels and hobby lobby and just look at stuff... but i have pretty much got things sorted since i dont want a lot of flowers and and ribbon and what not
the colors i am using are so intense and eye catching that i dont need a lot of stuff... and i dunno i just dont

so in the middle of writing this Stan's little man Hercules had a seizure while he was on his walk outside.. that makes two today. =( i am scared its .. i dont know.. i cant say it. maybe the doctor will know more than we do and can help up

tomorrow we were going to go shopping and such but i dont want to leave him here alone after he's had two seizures in one day
i can feel my heart sinking

i wanted to write a lot about what i've been doing lately -- about my psychiatrist appoint yesterday but i just cant right now i'm too upset.

but the tl;dr on that is
i went to the psych told her all the things i wasnt telling her before and she made me feel bad and then she apologized and we are adjusting my medication. INCREASING my antipsychotic. increasing my medication for anxiety. ADDING another antidepressant that is specified for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. because i have it and ... well-- i think i alway did... but now that my bipolar mood swings are under control the other things that are wrong are becoming glaringly obvious and getting worse

like my eating disorder rules and my ocd tick rule things

but this medication is supposed to help with that

i dunno

i am mentally exhausted beyond belief and i just want to stare at walls and shit

but i am going to color in a coloring book for therapy and journal and i dont know


Monday, January 11, 2016

back to the housewife weekly grind

i got lots of stuff done today!!!!

but i dont wanna talk about it...

well, okay maybe...

random things:
stan got me lavender scented spic&span cleaner and it is THE BEES KNEES

I have made a fauxdori travelers notebook from a plastic placemat and elastics and i am making my own inserts with soft spined notebooks and i am so excited because this is completely customizable in every way .... my big leather planner is going to be a stay at home house work house wife planner thing... THIS fauxdori is for on the go.. will only have monthly calendar to take down dates and appointments (that i will transfer to my home planner when i get home) this is also going to be where i doodle and try to write some poetry again... also going to do some of the wedding planning in there because its easier to carry than my big wedding planer binder...

here is my favorite #plannergirl THERESETGIRL giving us the low down on the midori

i took down the xmas lights finally lol and put away all the stuff and i cleaned up the livingroom though---- sadly, to do so i had to take stans stuff by the couch and pile it in the bedroom on the recliner but its stuff that needs to be put away and sorted so... maybe this will help, i've carried it to closer to where it needs to go

i did all that because, of course, tomorrow is tuesday and that is FLOOR DAY.... dust sweep mop vacuum 

i will update tomorrow about more stuff.... its gonna be hard to get back into the swing of this lolol

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

i totes need to update this thing

i have been sick since we got back from KY.. or i was now i am okay... and i have been reading like there is no tomorrow
i have read three books since the start of the year... ok well-- half of the first book was read in 2015 but the other two i read in 2016.
reading has become so very necessary for me to destress
if i dont get to read i am on edge and feel like i am ....missing something.. doing something wrong... like.. if i go a day without reading i get this weird anxiety like... i am afraid i will go back to not being able to focus to read like i was a few years ago
it was such a dark time for me
ever since i found out i can read and retain what i'm reading, in fall of last year, i have been going on non-stop and i never want to stop. ever. this is whati want to do.

this and make jewelry

i suppose one day i might try writing some short stories.. i'll certainly have read enough books to get a feel for writing... if i keep this up

i am trying really hard not to gain weight and it is really hard and i dont want to be a fat ass
especially since i have to see people saturday
oh man i gotta figure out what to WEAR

saturday is our (late) reynolds xmas gathering.. but we had it late so we can have Daniel there-- he is a Marine and has been gone for a long time and we want him here so we decided to wait for his time off to have it

we got a chair for me to sit in while i shower so that is awesome and i dont get tired taking a shower anymore
get off me im a weakling lol

stan has been amazing all this time and i just want to say thank you baby, i love you and i am so grateful.

i am so very blessed and lucky
and i still havent learned how to ACCEPT gifts and good things i dont know if i ever will... its.. one of the hardest things.. i dont know how to explain the feeling... of guilt and unworth just...

i dunno whatelse to say right now
i finished A WRINKLE IN TIME last night in the middle of the night and it felt AWESOMEEEE

i started out with my goodreads challenge at 50, changed it to 75... then back to 50..  if i get to it sooner than expected i will up it again if the option is still there.

i really want soup but i really dont need the sodium
i think i might strain the veggie soup and use water instead of the soupy broth??
idk i want it so badddd


my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...