Saturday, October 31, 2015

Happy Halloween witches

I'm at my parents house and life is good! Dad is working on my brakes and stuff...Stan is on his way ... He needed some time to rest a bit this morning..

Stan popped my back this morning and oh my God it's like.. Insane.. It popped three times.. Loud as hell. Felt so fucking good.

I took my time. driving to my parents house today and enjoyed the trip. It felt good to come home.

I got a book from my dads stash of books to read.. It's a Stephen king book but it's not his usual stuff it's more mystery thriller... Published in 2013.. Called "joyland" I think it might be right up alley given all the thriller crime stuff that unable gotten into with watching "pretty little liars" ... He has "revival" which is the book my IG penpal suggested I read.. I wanted to ask a female Stephen king fan what I should read. So that's awesome... That I have options.

I gotta get my ass in gear if I wanna make it to 30 books in my goodreads challenge ...

We are having home made tacos tonight and I have made chicken in taco seasoning.. So I will have that with tomatoes and sour cream and a soft taco shell. It's gonna be ridiculously good.

I feel really bad for Stan because he is so exhausted... He is doing the job of three people at work.. And on top of that he hasn't gotten to take the time to process and grieve over his best friends death.. Furthermore he is having to do the work of his dead friend.. Which ..I can't even imagine...

The strength of this man never ceases to amaze me... That's why I love him... He is amazing. I just want to be here... To take care of him.. He needs someone to take care of him.. He needs a place to crash when it gets too hard and that's what I want to give him.

Okay I will stop rambling now.. We are about to start the foods =X

Friday, October 30, 2015

friday is bake day.. also TGIF

i'm baking like.. four kinds of cookies.. =3

they are all pre-made and cut so its nothing special i feel like i'm cheating but i don't have the mental emotional energy to mix up cookies right now with how i feel about food.

all the cookies have the same calories except for the plain sugar cookie ones so i just need to keep track of that....
i made these three plus some plain sugar cookies =3

we are making chicken here on the george foreman grill with seasoning for me to have chicken tacos instead of greasy hamburger meat that is coated in oil and grease and gross. gross gross grosssssssss

so that plus tomatoes and sour cream is going to be DE-FUCKING-LICIOUS I AM EXCITED

now that i'm done baking just now.. i can read my book which is getting juicy and awesome... well juicy isn't the best word but its getting super interesting i read it before but i don't remember much about it.. just like all the book i read in elementary school... so re-reading has been pretty interesting... to see that these books are the ones that i read they shaped my thinking perhaps and yeah... its KINDA EASY TO SEE WHY I WAS A WEIRDOOOO

i just randomly decided to put on my purple tights and black skirt and hat and pointy shoes and now im a witch lol
oh well what of it i can have a little fun, cant i?

publishing at 1:30 pm.. going to edit and type more after that just wanted to get it out there and published =P

its 6pm now

i have the munchies like something fierce today i keep wanting to shove food down my throat and i cant because lololololololololooloooolool yeah 

now its 8:30

i peddled away going no where on the stationary bike for 10 minutes earlier! thats a lot for me... my knees dont like it much so i am having to force myself to do it

my anxiety level went down drastically!!! i dont feel like im going to go insane if i dont go somewhere do something something something
so i might have to add this to my coping mechanisms for feeling trapped and stuck

tonight stan is giving hercules a hair cut and then i am getting a shower and then we will give herc a bath

then i will hopefully wind down for the night.. maybe the exercise will help me get to bed! i certainly hope so!
it defintely made that weird tight feeling in my chest go away... i feel like i can breathe... i dont feel like this very often.. its kind of weird... i almost feel giddy. if i knew exercise would help my mood so much i might actually get a gym membership... its something to consider.. i DO know that bipolar people benefit from the chemicals that are released during exercise and what not... so exercise is kind of good for a lot of things

im starting up a section in my planner for the holidays... gift idea planning and out fit planning for the trip and keeping everything organized in my head there so i wont get over whelmed  i plan to decorate it with stickers and washi tape so it will be kinda like a smash memory book.. i still need to get those binder rings from the store so i can archive my old planner stuff properly =) i spent so much time on it. theres no way in hell im getting rid of it all.

i guess i will stop typing now and write in my paper journal and wait for the shower to be available for me.. haha...

Thursday, October 29, 2015

terrifically terrifying thursday.

Stan stayed home for a little bit this morning which threw my schedule off and that got me pretty upset but i tried to keep it inside my head (for no reason other than i dont like when things happen that i dont plan for lol.. its okay.. im just a weirdo and im sorry i cant help it... it makes me ansty and anxious ok) but i know somewhere inside my crazy brain that its just my ocd with things happening on time and its ok
i just felt really anxious
but that is just life with this kind of weird mental illness

i took a nap and felt a good bit better, almost like hitting the reset button. and THEN Finally finally went to the store

I looked around and thought about getting some of the things to try baking and making the halloween treats i have pinned on my pinterest board but i just got really overwhelmed with all the calorie counting =X
and yeah... so  i thought about it and.... if i want to eat any of the stuff myself...its gonna be so complicated thats why i hate complex food. one thing at a time please. just... bear with my here. atleast im eating just let me choose what it is and know exactly how much it is, okay. thanks. my body my rules.


so i got some precut cookies that you just place on the cook sheet and bake so the calories are pretty consistent per cookie and i can write down the amounts and know what i will be eating when i eat them

so i will be baking tomorrow for THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR 
and cleaning out my car... my parent still havent seen my car since i added bumper stickers to it. haha... but we did tell them that we will be buying it eventually soon... probably soon.  maybe we can do that at the end of the year... or start of next year... we need to get me more separated from my parents.. but paying for the car insurance and up keep is going to be hard when i have no control over the money at all. and no money. really. not that i need that much but i guesss.. i guess if we bought the car stan would just take care of it??? i wouldn't have to think about it? i dont know.. i have no way to pay it myself if he doesnt pay it so that is what i mean.. i have no bank account or money.
the subject of whether or not we would get a joint bank account came up the other day and i kind of had a mini panic attack because i haven't thought about that at all... i dont want to think about it.... i dont want to have control over his money and the ability to spend it without him knowing it.. i need him to approve everything i spend his money on now because of whats happened and i feel guilty and.. getting a seperate account for me that he puts money is the only way i can imagine this working.. i dont trust myself with other peoples money.. i dont WANT other people to trust me with it.. i dont deserve it.. i feel like its a very heavy burden to bear and i dont want it... just give me an allowance and we will go from there.

i have been having a lot of anxiety lately over my asking for and needing things.. and its starting to make me really upset.. i dont want to ask for things. i dont want to need things. i hate feeling needy, i want to need nothing. its tied in with my eating disorder... i know that.. i want to consume nothing, take up no space, be no burden, barely leave a footprint on the world... i dont feel significant enough to warrant needs and things. i dont know this is getting down a rabbit hole i dont wanna go yet. BUT ITS WEIRD BECAUSE AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL SEXY AND HAVE MORE HAPPYS BECAUSE I AM NOT AS MUCH OF A FAT BLOB AS I WAS. still got a lot of work to do..
but thats all happening... i know most people let go and eat massive amounts of food during the holidays but everytime i do that i feel ridiculously pathetic and gross and nasty nasty nasty. like... cannot live in my skin what have i just done oh my god fat fat fattie nasty. i will settle for eating small portions of what i want and stopping there, cutting myself off because as good as things may taste-- the self hate that comes after wards is so much harder to handle than than anything ever.

i think in january i will start back therapy again, i think i will need it by then, given all the holiday chaos.. im going to probably zone out and write in my journal a lot while we are on vacay i dont know what to do.. i have no panic attack medication, and i cant drink-- it helps but hurts more than it helps, and there's just literally nothing i can do to make the madness stop but dissociate and i dont want to be that weird girl, but i dont think i have a choice... i feel like i might be getting better at socializing but everytime i think that something really bad happens and i take a million steps backwards and have to start over.

luckily i have a psychiatrist that, believe it or not, i can talk to. she remembers me after months of not seeing me and she is very nice and chatty and attentive to my emotions and expressions... she is a Tele-Psych.. we do our session on the webcam cisco stuff.. huge ass screen ... its pretty fucking cool. i think she does it that way so she can see more people without having to physically travel... technology is pretty amazing.
this lady psych told me that should actually COULD write me a script for Ativan, which is for acute panic attacks, but i didnt take her up on it because it was probably a test to see if i would jump at it like an addict and while i have addict problems,  i do have a good hold on what goes with my issues in that field.. and i am kind of.. i almost dont want the damn pills because im scared of what i might do but i need them for really hard times like, say, this christmas gathering shit im looking at in december. this is something i would want Stan to keep with him and dole out to me when necessary. i dont want to be in charge of them... at all.
i dont see her again until january so thats after the christmas stuff so it DOESNT EVEN MATTER GUYS IM FUCKED EITHER WAY. lol yay life sucks

and saturday we will be taking my car to my parents house so my dad can work on it.. it shouldn't take too long just a few hours maybe... mom told me to check the tire pressure before leaving to make sure i dont have a blow out on the way and have to get another tire but i dont know how or where to do it.. i mean, i do but i dont? i think it will be fine

i think we are calling it a night early here its just 7pm and we are both in the bedroom though i have something to do here but Stan is really tired they are running him too hard at work and i dont like it because it makes him very negative and i feel the negative energy vibes he is bringing home and it cant fix it =(
and i want to fix it, you know?

i am going to have to start working on the christmas cardsthat we will be giving out the save the dates in this decemberrrrr i need addresses of a million people and i need to get organizeddd

now its almost 9pm and i am still sitting here wide awake
i guess i will go read my book(s)

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

its humpday already???

today i was going to do some vacuuming and clean the bathroom but i am on call to go kitty sit for Mac because he is having people come look at a water leak in his bathroom and he doesnt want to lock his poor kitty up all day.
so... nix on that cleaning stuff.
after wards i might be able to clean the toilet or something but vacuuming is so exhausting for me lately i have no energy

today or tomorrow i have to figure out what i want to bake for this weekend because we are going to my parents house and watching scary movies and and i want to make something cute and new that is halloween themed so i am scouring pinterest for ideas but biggest issue is that i have a tiny micro kitchen and i dont have space to set up and let things dry for hours. a lot of these things are say--- rice krispie treat balls that look like pumpkins or spiders or something and they have to sit. another issue is that a lot of stuff has cinnamon in it this time of year and we cant do anything like that at all.
also i dont really have that much to bake in as i could... AND the big glass casserole pot thing is at my moms lol so i cant do anything that requires that.. i have normal sized pie things... and small copper heart shaped cake tin.. i wonder if i could make the heart into something as a cake

i think i might try my hand at decorating cookies. i need to learn how to write in gel icing or whatever anyways.. its going to come in handy later in life

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

not-so-terrific tuesday

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak... as soon as i was walking i walk bumping into shit and dropping stuff.
my period started today so THATS fucking lovely.. #moonsisters me and Jo/Lionbones have our periods at the same time with the full moon. its probably the only funny thing about period time.. cause the rest of it SUCKS DONKEY BALLS

i have really really really really really dry mouth lately and its driving me insane i'm going to get some gum today and start chewing it all the time because i cannot stand to sit here and my mouth be so dry  cant even... i.. its like its frozen solid but from dryness. you know?
like my tongue doesnt even wanna move its dried over

yeah its bad bad bad

i know a lot of medications for psych stuff has this side affect and i'm pretty sure my allergy meds and other stuff doesnt help it at all

i have to leave soon and go to Indian Rivers to pick up my new prescription re-writes ... this one adds back my much needed prozac so i am very excited... we get these filled at the end of the month so that is coming up soon and then i can maybe get back into tabitha land
though i have had an good mood because of other things but i know that the winter is going to get me down like always and i wanna nip this in the bud

i will update this again later but i wanna go ahead and publish now so its gonna be one of those "updated all day as i go" posts


ok its noon now and i'm back home. i went by the library to return my book and thought about getting another one but decided against it
then i decided to try my luck at target and they had just put out amazing things and i got two starwars grocery tote bags and two notepads. i will be gifting one of each of those things so they arent all for me. lol
then i went to dollar tree and decided to go ahead and get the christmas scarf they had that i want because id dont know if they will get more in before christmas they are really weird about not restocking on the regular here and its kind of pissing me off. so i have a christmas themed scarf that will matching green and red and black and white things. i got it specifically for this red sweater i've had since like... 2007... my boobs are almost small enough to wear it again.... so that is exciting

my ribs under my right boob feel like somebody punched me while i was sleeping... i woke up and it is tender and sore like its bruised but there isnt any bruising
really weird
i didnt do anything to make this happen so its kind of... not fun.. i mean, it hurts pretty bad. and i dont even know why

i got some more tape for my planner. the two for $1 kind that isnt washi, its plastic like scotch tape but its pretty and thats what matters. its thinner than the standard washi just a tiny bit.
i got some nonfat soy milk that is like.. in a carton and room temperature... its says to serve chilled. i plan to put this in my black tea or maybe i might try to have coffee again someday i am really feeling the warm soups and beverages things... i'm losing weight and have less body fat than i did two months ago and its getting colder.. i have noticed i do get cold sometimes. and its not even cold yet

i think im going to make some soup and watch netflix with the heating pad on me somewhere.. i hurt just about everywhere with the combination of random soreness and my period and whatever else has made me hurt like this maybe i was sleep walking.. i used to do that all the time when i was little... i already have conversations in my sleep and talk and shit... i wouldn't be surprised if i did... maybe i fell or bumped into something

Sunday, October 25, 2015

sunday-- funeral. laundry. the blahs.

and its because i had to pee so we stopped at a gas station. fml. i feel like a horrible person. but to be fair EVERYBODY ELSE PEED TOO SO IT WASNT JUST ME

we got there for the closing prayer and that was enough to make me tear up.
Stan talked to Brian's family and he told me that Brian's daughter was wearing a necklace that Brian bought from me and gave to her as a gift.. that.. really made me cry. like... i wanted to say something to her but i didn't have the courage. =( it was one of my Tree of Life necklaces.
We stood around for a while... Stan and Mac talked to people-- there were apparently a good number of people from the APR radio station there.. which made me feel good. I know what kind of job he did and i understand why they are having trouble keeping things together without him.. it takes a mastermind to run the things that Brian had to run to keep the station going.

i still hate myself for not pushing Stan to let us hang out with him more. i should have been more persistent. but even if i was he was so busy and we were so busy.. but i dont want to give excuses they make me mad... we shouldve found a way.

we stood around some more and i saw a reddish orange butterfly floating around... and then a dark blue almost black one...
i knew then he was there. watching us all... and just like Stan said, Brian was never on time.. i think he showed up late too. Stan keeps making comments about how Brian would've said this or that when things happen and.. it makes me so very sad.. i dont understand how he can talk about it like that without breaking down into sobbing but then again i AM A CRY BABY and he is a big strong man. lol

and swap out the clothes i dont need... of course.. the weird alabama thing is that for a while its still warm... i just am so very excited about going to Kentucky for christmas and wearing all my nice fancy dress clothes and what not. losing weight is going to expand my wardrobe A LOTTTTT fuck yeah i have some kick ass sexy winter clothes
okay i think they are sexy they are probably just winter clothes but if i put on heels and tights and skirt i go into sex kitten mode because it just feels sexy like a secretary lol yep

book challenge update:
i finished "feeling for bones" by bethany pierce that i borrowed from the library and i was highly disappointed when the main character went from non believing in a higher power at all to literally "jesus take the wheel" and literally saw Jesus to get over her eating disorder. dont get me wrong, i am not disappoint that she turned to god and religion, that is perfectly and acceptable and normal... i have no problem with that, i chat with god every day about my life.. he and i are buddies...
i just think it should have take more time... been more thoughtful in the process.. people dont usually just "get over" these things... it takes more time and they did not explain that. that is what bothers me.

AND they took so long to write the story.. i think they just wanted to end the book nice and quick, honestly. that's what it felt like... it felt like they got tired of making up the story and said "by the power of god this girl is healed. amen, *closes book*"

i dont know... I had no idea how the book was going to go and that's what happened and .... ok, it was a good book in general, i actually have marked a few pages to collect quotes from it! =)
 but I just dont like the ending-- well, i do but i dont think it should have been so sudden but.... atleast she god better. that is the good part.

next up i am reading the entire "THE DARK IS RISING" series by Susan Cooper
i have all the books in one hardback edition but thats NOT FAIR for the book challenge, damn it.. so i am going to pick out the individual publications and use percentages as i read instead of actual page numbers because the book is numbers all the way through it doesnt start over with each book.

this serious is very dear to me i read "the dark is rising" in 4th or 5th grade.. and i found and found out the other books where there and went after them too.. apparently a lot of people reason "over sea, under stone" first.. which is the first book but.. i didnt know that.. just happened across the one i found... and fell in love.

that being said i think i will go read now maybe =)

Friday, October 23, 2015

crashed too early, now im awake at midnight like its tomorrow lol

so i guess i cant use this time to ramble a bit on here.

so yeah..
Stan's bestfriend and co-worker died. He was my friend, too. He gave me books. He was funny and wicked smart. and.. I am... not really accepting the truth that he is gone. I mean, I know he is.. but I dont think its set in. I hope it does and I get over it before sunday because we are going to his funeral on sunday and i dont want to freak out there... thats... not ok. very embarrassing and no ok. so i may need to take time tomorrow and sit down and force myself to process it.

i can't believe how well my weight loss is going! its actually happening so fast that my body isnt able to keep up! i have so much loose skin on my legs... if i lay a certain way it all like.. slides off to the side and puddles kind of because theres not as much fat between skin and muscle? yeah... my thighs are going through major slim down. and i probably should look up ways to tone specific areas or this is going to look really REALLY weird  if i keep going at this pace, until my body catches up...
i am not complaining  i know this kind of thing happens

when its closer to the wedding i will focus mainly on my arms because of my dress style the rest will be more or less acceptable even if i am were heavy-- with the the cut of the dress
but i just dont want to look at my wedding photos and see hideous blobs of upper arms i hate that i have always had HUGE upper arms... so fat and mushy... i have been lifting those hand held weights (3lbs each.. two in one hand... that 6lbs) a little bit and its definitely helping but i dont want to BULK up i just want to tone so i dont do it a lot...  i also have 1lb tiny hand weights that go over your knuckles and are curved i guess for wearing while doing arm toning exercises and such which i should look in to

i went SO LONG without proper internet that i dont even realize all i have to do is look something up on youtube and there is probably fitness shit everywhere to teach me things to do. like... well, also i like someone there coaching me and telling me what im doing wrong, too. especially if its weight lifting stuff because i have, in the past, pulled muscles very badly out of carelessness and not knowing what i was doing just wanting to do SOMETHING
 we have the stationary bicycle in the office
and i have started using it... i meant to today (well, yesterday now) but i didnt.. i might go do that now that i'm awake.. i dont do it for very long ... if i listened to music i would do better but i cant be arsed... the bike works most thigh and and leg.. i wonder how much it would help my upper thigh loose skin that hangs there with no fat under it? it looks kind of gross..  but thats what happens when you lose weigh really fast. i knew this when i started so theres no complaining.

i think this is the most i've talked on my blog for a while lol.. lol late night eating disorder body obsession updates ftw!!!


serious guys.. im addicted to planning, and im not the only one.... a lot of us ocd privileged white girls are spending all out spare time doing this... it feels good. its similar to scrapbooking but you do it every day and it also organizes your life and keeps you on top of things... it just feels good man FEELS GOOD MAN
#plannergirl !!!!!!  just look... look at this beautiful frivolous nonsense! i LOVE IT IT WANT IT GIVE ME THE PRETTY THINGS

and the kawaii things
yes i said it get OFF meeeee

i shining so briiiiiiiight

no really the fact that i've lost weight has drastically improved my mood

that i pathetic isnt it?

i just dont hate myself quite as much as i did i am more comfortable in my skin and i dont fel like people are staring at me for being a whale anymore.. they just stare cause people are dumbasses and well... i do have huge knockers and really long blonde hair. thats enough to get attention anyways. even without anything else.
i will get a good photos of it soon in all its FULL GLORY
but i have this for now

notice the HUGE TITS and the LONG HAIR
my arms are so fat omfg wtffff need to work on that more ... this was last week i think, though so idek.

btw this was my planner mess when i was trying to slim down the damn thing to go to the beach with less bulk-- it was fun to strip down to basics and see what mattered to me though... good exercise-- will make the christmas packing easier since i'll have done it before... yeah fixing my planner for a vacation is a big deal its how i keep memories damn it.

this is what they look like now!!! 
you cant tell from this angle but phillip is shaped like a peanut! he is twice as tall!!
and Harriet's moon died but she sprouted arms... and i took one of them and planted it and it grew so its the one sitting next to her.... the baby arm has now grown a head. and Harriet grew ANOTHER arm... and that arm has grown a head. lol. CRAY CRAY MUTANT CACTI ... i love them so much omg omg just... i love it

next up-- POSSIBLE... key word-- possible-- Wedding Registry items

so... sunday we are going to be ready by noon and we are going to the funeral for Brain. tomorrow i will shower and make my hair awesome and such.

i think i might be running out things to say right now... HOW IS THIS POSSIBLEEE

and with that i bid you good night dear sirs and ma'ams


i did the usual.. start at Dollar Tree--- finish at Walmart and get the cold stuff right as i am about to check out.

i stayed up WAYYYYYY too late last night playing with my planners =X i'm such a #planneraddict for serious... i think i might start making new cool things for my planner.. or have stan print me out some stuff that i can use as inserts 
this is the receipts and my shopping list.. i love my pumpkin/autumn themed shopping list =3

so im still losing weight and i am happpppyyyyy

 i finally feel like i almost look sorta ok maybe a little bit
just a little bit.. and that gives me hope

im so tiiiiireddd

ffff i might just go sleepyy

nope gotta put stans chicken wings in the ovennnnnn 
i think i want pretzels for dinner i am addicted to pretzels right now lol

Thursday, October 22, 2015

not going on vacation. really bad thing happened

a close friend of stans.. and mine, whom stan works with.. died this morning. they were really good friends...

i am so sad. i cant.. i cant even.. i dont even know.. how can ... does.. what..
i dont know how stan is going to hold it together but i have to be stronger so that he can be weak for a while

i cant believe someone we knew would just die... like that. i was just talking about wanting to go to his place and playing "cards against humanity" with everybody again asap..

two night ago i had a dream about a black butterfly landing on my lip and i killed it trying to get it off.. i swallowed part of the black wings. in the dream i specifically remember saying "this is a bad omen isnt it.." i knew something horrible was going to happen soon.
my prayer box fell off my bobble of charms and amulets yesterday which freaked me the fuck out

i dont know.. i know its sudden but something inside me knew someone was going to die
i honestly though it would be hercules while we were away on vacation because he would be at my parents house with all the big dogs without us and scared and upset and not eat and freak out. but now we wont be going on vacation. now..
the world works in mysterious way

i try finding the connections between events even if it hurts when i do it -- because thats what i was put here for. i see things.

i just had thought to myself that we were taking too long to hang out with stans friend again because when we played cards against humanity that first time i really got to loosen up and be myself and it was great.
i dont even know how stan feels i cant imagine it.
i dont know how he even got out of bed.
i wouldnt have.
he is so much stronger than me.

Stan---baby, when you read this -- i love you and i will do anything you need me to okay?  and i know you are going to be short and angry and irritable and snappy and sad and i know its not me-- its just... everything... and its okay.. i am making myself ready for it. i will be able to handle it.. this is too much.. just too much.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

late humpday post

ok yay im losing weight like.. faster than i expected
boo it will all be for nothing after vacay and i will have to start over probably lol

i have decided to embellish my posts with shiny sparkly pixel art gifs
it gives me the happys

i am packing up my suitcase for next week and trying to slim down my planner into travel mode =X
the top one is the big bulky one
the bottom is slim and flexible and will just be the vacay planning section (with space for memory keeping what not .. im going to take those binder rings you can buy and store my old stuff that way as i archive it in the future.. so it will be all kept for memory. i need to start organizing it and keep it chronological.. lol)
 and the weekly section of the planner
lots of stickers and pens and i dont know i want to take EVERYTHING WITH ME #plannergirlprobs

im also packing up the rubbermaid tub of food that we will be taking... the room has a fridge and a microwave so we are totally going to be able to cook and shit kind of... i eat microwavable soup every other day or every day  dont know

i really cant be arsed to thinka bout anthing right now i should be asleep

but im fighting my sleep because im a little kid

beacccch here i come even if it is cold and rainy i get to hear the oceannnnnn

fml i am being told to go to bed 

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...