Monday, April 27, 2015

so its monday

i am trying to organize my self.. my whole life and so i pre plan everything --- i even pre planned this post in my organizer--- which i will update about seperately very soon !!!!! (i am so obsessed with planners and calendars and organizing and omgggg ayyayayyayayay)

shortly after the festival the furrbabies had a random infestation of fleas out of nowhere. it was so weird and nasty. they havent had fleas for over a year of us being here and all of a sudden its like... omg...

so we had to wash everything and give the babies baths and medicine and such..
hopefully this will be the only time this happens for a while.
i was so sad because Miss Lilly was miserable--- she wasnt acting like herself at all and it was so weird..
we got her this medicine called "comfortis" from the vet and it seems to have work wonderfully
the puppy, Herc, had an allergic reaction to the flea treatment that goes on the skin.. and then the fleas that were jumping ship and leaving Miss Lilly because they figured out her blood would kill them (cause of the medicine).. well, Herc ended up covered in the fleas and we took him to the vet it was so bad.. apparently he is also allergic to the actual fleas and the flea bites. he had a rash all over his skin and we have been giving him Benadryl every day and its helping a lot. for those of you who didnt know-- Herc has been having allergy itchy problems constantly so the benadryl is probably needed.

anyways--- we visited my parents on saturday so we could go to the wedding on sunday.
saturday at my parents was good ... dad put TWO small hens in the smoker and green beans and mashed potatoes. we watch the move "sex tape" and it was HILARIOUSSSSSSSS

i'm doing a custom order for someone my mom sells avon to.. its a really simple order except for i might have to switch out the clip on earring findings to a small one cause its looks gaudy

SOOOO i went to my first wedding EVER
it was Bama and Douglas's RE-marriage wedding lol
they never had a wedding when they got married at like.. 18... just at the court house and that was that

and they got divorced around their 10 year anniversary and were seperated for about a year.. then realized they should've never gotten divorced and so this time they had a real wedding for the remarriage.
it was beautiful and lovely and Bama looked amazing in her dress...

so people are telling me that Stan and I should have a wedding too...
we arent sure if we want to... the two reception/shower parties in each state seems pretty good idea



  • organize my beads and sort them, make the office nice and clean-- i already cleared off the diningroom table
  • vacuum the entire apartment with our new AWESOME vacuum cleaner
  • therapy on thursday!!! and that night stan and his friend from work, Mac, are going to a concert at the amphitheater ... they're seen Boston and Kansas
  • getting my meds refilled on friday
  • stan is having bro time with Mac all weekend pretty much   

another thing thats just come up is my car battery is still not holding charge and i had to get it jumped off today to go to they store
so now we know its gotta be something more.. the alternator most likely

i just had an emotional break down so im going to bed goodnight internet

Thursday, April 23, 2015

grocery shopping day woooo hoooo

i didnt have to buy that much this time because the last month we didnt finish all the stuff i bought due to other dining arrangements and what not.

soooo i have kind of a packed pantry and such
i have decided to blog my adventures in housewife and jewelry design and make this my blog. for realz
and adult like and shit

haha maybe

here are photos from today, the receipts and the cabinets and shelves and freezer lol

read the rest of the entry for more images i dont wanna make this a long ass entry

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

havent blogged in foreverrrrr

everything has been going rather good save for some scares with the animals that required medicine and vet visits

i have a new obsession---- i'm building my own planner/organizer from scratch by hand... using rulers and markers and pens and washi tape and stickers and scrapbook paper and yeah

this is my new favorite thing
plus i can change it up anytime i want i dont have to stick with a planner that i hate like i do when i buy one from the store and then i end up extremely frustrated and disappointed.

i am creating my own things because i find everyone elses subpar to my neeeeeeeeds


i started sorting and labeling beads yesterday and the tape stan got me is ridiculously hard to tear and cut but its sturdy and will hold forever so thats what matters... wrapping the tape around the medicine bottles and labeling the contents so i can know whats in them without spilling them out to look at it.

i am losing weight and i am very happy with this

douglas and bama are getting (re) married this sunday and we are going and going to go to my parents house saturday and sleep over to be closer and not have to drive so far on the day of... plus i miss my parents and want to go home damn it

I havent been to a wedding
in all my life
all this time
NEVER been to a wedding
this will help me decide if i really want to have one or not
i'm thinking not

too much trouble
so much money

i want receptions for family to gather and talk to us though
so i still can decorate and plan that kind of stuff (which is the fun part anyway, am i rite)

um anyways

its 7am or shortly after on tuesday

i gotta make stans lunch box and such
i might write more now that i've gotten into the groove of writing here it just takes me some time to get it together in my head and want to type so much haha

Monday, April 13, 2015

The festival finally happened and now I can relax

Only not really because now I have to Clean up all this mess. From the jewelry making stuff every where. And then on top of that I have to put up listings for my products that didn't sell (or some of then)

But anyways.. Saturday was the festival. I got like... 4 hours of sleep the night before. Woke up 30 mins before my alarm... Ugh. I took to long getting ready. And then we ended up there 10 minutes early for unloading... We met my parents on campus and they followed us there.
It was so very obvious that this was my first festival. I was the only person not prepared for the wind... Which was a huge set back.
On to of this I..or we.... Mostly probably I.. Forgot half my jewelry at home so Stan had to leave the place and go get it. Which made me feel absolutely horrible.

I met a lot of like minded people. And talked to a lot of people. I didn't have a panic attack. I got close a few times.. But since we were out side and It was well ventilated and I could walk off and be alone every his or two.... That really helped. If I had to stay there the whole time I would've gone insane.

I did ok profit wise (or that's what they're telling me)

After the festival me and Stan and My parents ate dinner together. And then Stan and I came home and crashed for a long time. I sleep ask day Sunday. No joke. All fucking day. And night. Both nights...  Saturday and Sunday nights.
I woke up today (Monday) and felt like I might be back in the land of normal...
I'm not hurting like I was yesterday... Which is why I slept all day.
But yeah...
I had therapy today and we talked About lots of things that made me cry so I the rest of today has been weird for me.

I am worried about Stan ... He has so much going on and isn't getting any chance to rest at all.
I am sad for him and I can't make him feel better and it hurts. I am a people pleaser.. I need to make him better and I can't.. Ugh
Okay maybe I can go to bed now

Friday, April 10, 2015

reality check again or something. i dont even know. thank you stan i love you

I need to be honest here for a second--- I have been a whiny little brat this week because its the week of the festival, my period is coming at any moment, and i have severe anxiety disorder, and i dont know how to cope with chaotic high stress situations without either exploding, panicking, or completely shutting down.

what i chose to do the past few days was shut down- i slept. i laid in bed. i am tired. i am still tired. this is some kind of weird response to stress. i am freezing most of the time-- literally, have chills, there is no reason for it. i dont know why its happening..

i have be absolutely impossible to live with and Stan has been the perfect partner. perfectly supportive and patient. and kind.

and I want Stan to know that i realize all these things and i will find a way to say thank you after all this shit is over.

but right now i am just wanting to say i am grateful and feel very blessed because he is the only reason this going to happen tomorrow... I would have given up this week and tried to get a refund on the fee for participating.

but instead tomorrow i am getting up at 5am and dressing up in my tie-dye skirt and putting sun in in my hair  and putting on a big flopping straw hat and an anklet with a million tiny bells on it and flipflops that i probably won wear as soon as i test out the grass because TOMORROW I AM GOING TO BE AN ARTIST IN AN ARTS AND CRAFTS FESTIVAL AND I WANT TO BE MY DIRTY HIPPIE GYPSY LITTLE SELF THANKS

i love you stan

i guess i will have to give you a blowjob and bake some brownies on sunday

Monday, April 6, 2015

Back to reality

It's my birthday. I am 29. And that scares the hell out of me.
tomorrow I have to get up at 7 am and take a shower before Stan leaves for work because that's the only chance I will get to do it before my parents come tomorrow at like.. 10.
Because after he leaves I have to walk the dog and finish getting ready and find outfits. And after my parents come....
I have to go to Indian rivers for my yearly check up on shit at noon...which is an hour early but that's what gets you in and out the fastest... Getting there early cause people skip their appointments all the time and yours could get pushed up.

Uh anyways

The festival is Saturday
.....and after the festival I have to go back into normall house wife mode and I am scared to death of that too.
I have to clean up the mess here and it's going to be pretty over whelming

But I can't think about that because I have to think about the festival first

I have general anxiety disorder. With panic attacks sometimes. My anxiety is constant. I can't remember a day I was not dreading and worried. It's been this way all my life.

Maybe some day there will be a doctor or a medicine that will help better than buspar but so far it's the best shot I have at dealing with this.
So I have to take buspar THREE TIMES A DAY
do you have any idea how annoying it is? It doesn't even take the edge just builds up in the blood stream and you have to keep taking it for it to work. And even then it barely works

Every single day is hard

There is no off day with mental illness.
It's a 24 hour 7 days a week thing

And it's hard

And I am trying

"don't give up"

Saturday, April 4, 2015

He actually asked me. He did it proper and got dad's permission and asked me. I'm engaged

I wasnt even expecting it because even though we just got to our one year of dating thing-- so much has happened-- with my batshit crazy. he has seem me insane in ways no other person has.
and then our precious Hercules was sick yesterday, had another seizure. first one in months though.
and to be fair, on top of my insanity with bipolar and other things--

this first half of april is going to be HELL to get through with so much going on

its so funny, when i thought.. or realized that he was about to ask me... my legs just gave in and i ended up kneeling on the floor instead of him.

we arent getting married anytime soon so i dont have to worry about ALL THAT NONSENSE
for a while at least

i woke up early to write this because i couldn't sleep anymore because i hadnt written anything


Thursday, April 2, 2015

April 2 .... It's been one year

Since Stan and I had our first date... It's been one whole year.
It has been, without a doubt, the best year of my life.
I have done a lot of growing up this year....and it's stuff that most people accomplished a long time ago but I had two things holding me back... Two different mental illness issues...or three really if you count addiction.
I'm fighting this shit every single day.
I take medication four times a day. Four fucking times. I have reminders and alarms and shit to make sure it happens.
But with the help of Stan... I have made huge progress. I don't drink anymore. And I don't miss it most days. Most. Not all but most.
And I have been on meds for a whole two years now. Non stop.
I have gained a lot of weight but my medicine does this to me and I have no where to go walking or jog safely (in this neighborhood id probably get shot stabbed or kidnapped because I'm a white girl and I'm the minority here.).. I like going on long walls in the woods and shit... This city living is taking it's toll in more ways than one
I had better plans for this entry but I Am getting sleepy

It's been a long day.
Stan's dog had a seizure this morning and that kind of threw the whole day off.but I love hercules too so I didn't even care. Just wanted him to be okay...and he seems to be now.

So much is happening .. I'm lucky if anything goes right.
The festival is in....8 days at midnight.
Fml fml fml

So not ready

But anyways
Happy anniversary Stan! It's been the best year ever! And I am so excited to start year number 2 ....I love you. please don't get tired of me any time soon. Lol

No seriously, please.


Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Wednesday April 1st

its been a long time since I've blogged and its the last thing I wanna do right now. but my boyfriend told me I needed to because it had been so long. I'm passing time by watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy and making tiny bracelets.... you know... like bracelets sold for a dollar or two. nothing really big. I'm not doing anything actively because I'm so sore from trying to work out in the apartment. I'm shocked at how sore I can get doing sit ups and lifting weights and stretches and stuff.

I'm even making some bracelets for guys... trying to make man bracelets is kind of fun ...I'm also tired of sitting at the computer and typing. voice to text is so much easier

tonight stan is picking up my medicine for me except for the Latuda that i have to get at IndianRivers... at some point I  think he's giving me a plant for the front porch and a scale to measure my food. I want a digital scale to measure food so badly. it should make this a lot easier

apparently my Nana is going to give us a recliner for me to have in the living room.... so now I have my own old person chair.

I think tomorrow stan and I are going to go to the Mexican restaurant we meet and had our first date at.

I'm tired of talking now so I'm going to go eat my ramen

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...