Saturday, February 28, 2015

today was the best dayyyyy

I got to see my mom andddddd..... go shopping for bulk bag of chicken nuggets at membership only store cause mom is a member and.... THEN i ran into my Spanish Teacher from highschool who was kind of the first person I met who seemed to understand me in some way that other people just were not getting at all-- save for Julie and Kate and the closer people i had in my class-- They are still very special to me.
Mrs. Sims ... was the teacher who get me to read "The Alchemist" and she read us Jonathan Livingston Seagull and.. yeah...


I have a lot to update about... I plan to update this blog every few days but use my other one for my daily ramblings.

so excited to have someone to talk to .. she does beading and makes stuff too! its like i have local crafting buddy!!

now that february is done... pretty much... its getting into crunch time for jewelry making and preparations for me to be in the druid city arts and crafts festival.

we have so much to do... so so much to do.. 

tomorrow is another day of running errands and getting my meds and such

i need to use tomorrow night to make a game plan for next week so i dont waste time 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Middle of the night rambling&some TMI batshit crazy ED stuff and idek

I find a better way to make me sleep good...Its just melatonin like before... But... Like... Before now I had been taking a 10 timed released pill. Now I am just taking 3 of the 3mg pills at once and it's working better than the other at getting me settled for sleepy time... Also even if I wake up like I've done now I can go back to sleep with out much trouble.

So thank you to the melatonin that keeps me sane. Because with my depression meds this strong I am edging on mania almost daily.
It rises like a beast woken from slumber each day and gets more rowdy as the day goes. By dinner I am usually giddy like a kid or so irritable and on edge I might snap randomly. Typical manic things. Over exited by simple things into hysterics and what not.

Stan got me a solar powered dancing owl from dollar tree (imma put him in my car on the dash yay yay yay yay yay) and I almost pissed myself in glee. Not literally irl but the excitement was surreal.
Yeah and I got out of control with food last night. Like a for "real binge out of it". So we had to take the food that was telling me: "eat me!!!!! Eat all of me. Now. Right fucking now." And shove it down the drain into the garbage disposal thing That chops it and sucks it down into the sewer.

Complete loss of self control.
To be fair it was delicious sugar cookie dough I bought and didn't Get to make soon enough and it was going to expire. And the raw dough seemed more tasty  than baked cookies at the time cause I'm a weirdo.

Anyways yeah

I'm glad I have this blog right now. I need somewhere to Get this out that is public because then I am held accountable for the act of being out if control and a fucking mess. Is like training myself the hard way? Humiliation lol

Yeah uh I think I will be seeing a therapist again very very soon... =X

Anyways Good night I am going to sleep until my supposed snow gets here... Oh please let it snow. Please please please please please. Ahhhhhhh

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Irish tinker'er shiznit idek

So this is random.... Irish tinkerer stuff y'all......

I just took this really cool waterlamp my parents got me ages ago apart to see if there was an easy way to refill the water (a tiny crack in the very top of the plastic barrel of water has let some water evaporate over the years slowly... But its taken this long for the level to get so low it wouldn't keep rolling..) But there isn't. So I had to just put out back together.... Don't know if the light works because the bulls is blown. But the water mechanism still works. I'm guessing the light would too.

Anyways! The light part didn't Matter much. We use this lamp for white noise at night while we sleep. The beads knocking around make just enough noise.but not to much. Perfect. So we just gotta drill a hole in the top of the acrylic plastic stuff and funnel some new water in. them patch up the hole with something and good to go...

Monday, February 23, 2015

cat woke me up at 11:11 -- i know exactly why

before i even knew it was 11:11 i was thinking to myself " i need to blog about how much i love my family and stan. especially stan. "

so this is it.


A lot has happened lately that I havent even had the time to stop and think about how amazing my boyfriend is... he and my parents act like they've know each other for years and it's so easy to have us all in the same room.

My dad even suggested we all go on a cruise together.

I can't even explain how much my dad liking Stan means to me. And how much it SPEAKS for Stan and what a man he must be. My dad the best bad in the world. I am not just saying that. he is really, really, REALLY, the best. for so many reasons that i cannot type them all. for so many reasons that i would never find the words to tell you.
And my mom is a godsend. Before Stan-- she was the closest thing I had to having a "rock"
but also a best friend. my mom is my best friend. (along with a few people, dont get me wrong, i have more than one best friend lol.. doesnt event body?) but... she is... i can TALK to her about things that most people cannot talk to their moms about. and it means  so so very much that she is here on this live journey with me.

Stan is amazing in ways I cannot keep up with. Like he keeps coming up with new ways to be amazing every day. Almost every time he talks to me, period. And that is something I am kind of addicted to, i admit. I have gotten very spoiled in the quality of the company i keep now.... if you arent clever and witty and creative and talented OR on my same vibes when it comes to now I feel about politics,government, society, etc.... or have some other great thing that makes you something of worth... i find myself less likely to keep up with you. I am collecting people that i want to have around me. isnt that how you tell what kind of person someone is anyway? the quality of the company they keep.

i DO admit that this does not always apply- there are exceptions. hell, for a while i think i might have been a few peoples exception when i was being really horrible and unwise in my youth and bipolar batshit crazy days.

days that have seem to come less and less lately

i mean i have bad days, all the time. but i never go and do the things i used to... it isnt even an option in my mind. i am so very on the right path right now. my medication is right and i am doing so well...
EVERTHING is going so well that i am scared i am going to fuck it up

which brings me to---

the come to jesus meeting the other day

and that i almost maybe DID fuck everything up right here recently

like.. bad  and i didnt even realize it??? that is the SCARY part... i didnt even... it was so scary. i thought i was going to collapse in on myself at the moment..
 because holy shit what am i going to do without Stan to keep me sane and grounded. what am i going to do without the stability and his taking care of me. i... i dont know.. i would probably go to a homeless place because i refuse to go back to my family again after another failed relationship-- i refuse to return to them again... for them to have to take care of me AGAIN when i get on my feet and figure life out AGAIN

i would probably go to IndianRivers and get their help with housing-- they have offered it before... for ladies who have nowhere to go but are in treatment and seeing case worker and such
It would be doable.
It would.

But that is the plan B.

I want Plan A.... the original. The lets get old with this amazing person and share life together and make memories that will have us laughing and smiling and crying for years to come.
this man. this amazing man. Stanley Ingold.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

productive saturdayyyyy

Today was very fun!
stan and i met up with my parents and gordon for lunch. We ate at the chinese buffet near here and I didnt over eat-- i had just the right amount and it was good.
after that we all went to dirt cheap and we found the one big thing that we were worried about for the festival-- a tent.
so tomorrow we are going to my parents house to visit and see what their table looks like. we are going to start mentally planning out the “show area” i guess
i am so excited and scared at the same time. maybe mostly scared. i dont do people. i really wish or hope i can find a xanax or something for that day-- it would help a fuckton, it really would.

but anyways-- today hanging out with my family and stan was really awesome and i am excited about tomorrow and going to the house and seeing the dogs and my man kitty Aiden. He misses me so much, i know he does. nobody pets hm the way i do-- he and i have a special bond because i raised him from so young and put so much time into him when he was doing the growing and learning. i'm imprinted into him.



my hair feels fucking amazing
like i cannot explain to you how much difference it made. there are no words.
i have so much appreciation for this…  wise about taking care of skin and hair.. cocoa butter and shea butter? that stuff is THE SHIT. like so good. i have been using cocoa nut butter soap and lotion for years now. my skin is ridiculously soft (save for my hands and feet because i use the hands too much and i walk barefoot everywhere haha)

so apparently my car was just… the battery wasn't charge? i dont know i feel like an idiot. i can't remember to turn off lights and doors are open or something. it has to be happening a lot -- there is not other explanation. unless there is something wrong with the car that they are missing. which it probably ISNT. its probably my dumb ASS.

i wanted to type more but i am falling asleep here so i guess i will go crassh into bed or something

Thursday, February 19, 2015

well fuck me running with a spoon side ways

Stan and i had a fight that.. well, it started because of my OVER SHARING OF PERSONAL THINGS on Facebook and his mommy getting all worried and calling him at work in a panic.



but it was about a lot more than that and i know i have to stop being a little childish shithead

but if its not i get depressed so this is going to be an interesting few months




I have decided (this is random and i have not mentioned this here at all btw) that I will not make long chains of beads that i will wrap around a spool and let people pick the length of their necklaces and bracelets on site at the festival. that will take up too much of my time i think. what i plan to do instead is offer to make adjustments on site. and be working on new pieces while im sitting there idle. so they see i do make this shit myself.


so the long chains i have started can be made into necklaces and bracelets right now as opposed to later when they are wanted by people....

i am dreading the ALABAMA SALES TAX FUCK ME IN THE ASS PART of this festival. they are going to take 9% off the top of what I make that day. FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM
so much damn hate

(note to self: this is why i have two blogs now, i can rant like this on the other one that i link to facebook occasionally. other not to self: you are insane you just tried to spell occasionally as "accasonaly" wtf is wrong with you, you batshit little cunt)


oh i am on a roll now here we go

other awesome things: last night Stan, Mac and I watch an old school Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and we are not ashamed. It was awesome. I love it. I loved it as a kid (which is something else I realized, i liked a lot of boy cartoons growing up... this leads to more evidence that we are indeed BORN with our sexuality.. that its not learned. I am Bisexual. and i always have been. there. booyah. moving on....... lol as if i needed any more proof than the two ladies i have have had relations with, and the face that tits and ass get me more hot and bothered than man bodies 75% of the time. i think i might lean more towards women than men, honestly. but i want a man. and  I have a manly man. and i love him and his hairy manly smelly man self. All of it. i love it. so i have to be Bisexual. there is no other explanation. end of story.)



i just need that little break and independence. i really really need it.
and i can't get it right now.

i am still excited about how much Mrs.Lilly likes to sit in my lap and let me pet her now that she is an adult and living here. Its like a completely turn around from the bitchy cat she was at my parents house. i know now that she just doesnt like having big dogs and so many people around all the time. she is a quiet kitty like her mama and we like peace and quiet-- the noisy part of my parents house drove me insane too. which is why i, also, am doing a milliontimes better now that i'm out of my parents house. i can actually breathe and think for once.

i just can't handle so much people energy in one space it overwhelms me

get offfff meee
my blog i blog what i want

yeah thats right

i said it

Friday, February 13, 2015

so, it's official

I am officially participating in the Tuscaloosa Druid City Arts and Crafts Festival in April. on April 11 to be exact.
We ALMOST didnt get registered in time! they were only going to take 90 people and I was the LAST ONE. Stan called them just in time, got them the entry fee immediately. he saved my big 2015 project from almost not happening. I dont know what I would have done if he hadn't of been able to do this for me.

I am also shocked that they have had so many applicants in such a short amount of time. The deadline isnt even here yet an they are full. I am extremely nervous and I don't know what to dooooo.

We are already thinking of ways to display stuff effectively  and what to do about tables or what not. I need to look at my mom's table she got to see exactly the dimensions of it, because the festival thing is giving each person a 10x10 ft plot of land and we have to make sure its done right so people can get to the shit.

i havent done inventory again but i al pretty sure i am close to 100 pieces of jewelry right now.
and i am nowhere near done.
i am hoping to get a local tanning salon boutique place thing to buy some of my stuff in the next week or two to give me some random money to do stuff with. I hate asking Stan for money. it makes me feel like shit. makes me hate myself. it really does.

One really awesome thing thats happened lately is Stan's mom sent me a metric fuckton of pill bottles that i can use to sort and store beads. i need this badly.. things are very unorganized because i havent had enough containers .. and the ones i had i  kept taking the lids off to use them to hold beads while i was making stuff and then the lids get misplaced and yeah...
will pill bottles most of the lids are the same or close to it.


now that i know they are letting me in the festival that OVERWHELMING DREAD AND ANXIETY IS GONE
i couldnt function not knowing.. like.. the one thing im planning to do. the ONE THING. and i wasnt sure it was gonna happen until yesterday. jesus.

i want to make some more interesting things here soon
i have some inspiration up on my pinterest board... and by some i mean a fuckton. pinterest and etsy are THE BEST INSPIRATION...

anyways, i wan to say how thankful and grateful I am to Stan for being my manager of sorts in this thing.. god knows I cant make all these phone calls and talk to people... thats the reason i've never done anything before... i do not do people.. and ESPECIALLY phone calls. i hate hate hate calling people i dont know. it drives me INSANE. i cant DO IT. its like how i cant talk to the drive thru order machine at fast food places either. its just. it just FEELS ALL KINDS OF WRONG. i need that exchange of energies in person to know what people are really thinking and feeling. i havee to see them. its weird. maybe im just a little crazy i dont know.. but it seems like an #empathissue lol

brought back a lot of wonderful things from KY for me and it made me very happy I have a shamrock scarf to start wearing after valentines day =P

i *HAVE* been wearing my hair down lately and its helping my self esteem a LOT.. i need that right now.. for a bit.. i just .. i feel so fat and gross. but i am happy and he loves me and thinks im sexy and i dont know.... i wish i could stop hating myself for once in my life. just once. but i dont think that is going to happen anytime soon.

i need to take photos of my inventory or something and post a bunch the photos online so people can see what i am making... might wait until march when its close to the festival though to post them.... but i can take pictures anytime.. i have so many to take after all

ok i just looked at myself and decided im a fat ass
i guess this entry is over now lmao

Monday, February 9, 2015

it's been a while

I haven't had anything to do but make jewelry. Stan had to go to Kentucky to see his family Before his grandma decides to pass on... she is ready to go and its sad but she apparently is ready for real and that's ... that.
... he's been gone since Friday morning at 2 a.m.
I haven't actually made that much jewelry but the stuff I'm making is stuff I'm almost certain to sell here soon. I'm getting worried that the festival won't let participate because it doesn't look arts and craftsy enough.. looks like stuff you would buy in a store. but I've gotten the pieces and put it together myself so its really sad if they don't let me do it.

anyways... i made bracelets with toggle clasps and infinity charms
and tiny porcelain owl earrings
these are things i know people will buy at this place that i am going to get my mom to take me to. she knows the owner and what not. 

i have another option that i havent taken... these a gas station near here and the owner is...interested in buying and selling my stuff but i dont know if i want to do that... seems very shady and possibly.... you know too many things could go wrong.

i have been sleeping alot.. i dont know why. i just cant find any reason not to. im still making stuff i just nap a lot and go to bed early

i have made a lot of stuff for this festival and now im just going to take a break because i dont know if its gonna happen. and i dont want to have even more than i have now and nothing to do with it. 

i should go hang up clothes and rest and then get back to work on something. 
Stan gets home tonight!! i can't wait to see him i am so excited

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

lots of good things happening... (photos of new bracelets in this post btw)

So... yesterday was pretty amazing
so, I thought i had LOST an entire months worth of my really expensive medicine and I called the clinic pharmacy and they told me they CANT refill it early. but I could go ask the nurse for samples but they may not have any to give.
so I'd be up a creek, no paddle. ya know. going into withdrawal symptoms and such before I could get it again....
and so I drive to the clinic and I am just about to sign in to see the nurse (and would have had to wait probably 2 or 3 hours cause the waiting room was so full people were waiting outside in the lobby)...



and now i'm sitting there like, OK YEAH THAT MAKES SINCE CAUSE now I know it was because i was excitedly telling the receptionist who took my payment about my jewelry design and how I'm going to be in the arts&crafts festival this spring in april and I guess i was just so excited and happy that she seems interested i forgot to go back with the receipt and get my meds...
 so they were there the WHOLE TIME I WAS LOOKING FOR THEM. i knew i didnt remember them every making it into the apartment. i was sure i dropped them walking to the car. and i am very forgetful. my short term memory is almost non-existent. i have to write everything down and set alarms and.... yeah its bad. anyways
‪#‎synchronicity‬ ‪#‎godwinks‬ ‪#‎lightworkerissues‬
no such thing as coincidence.
just another thing to add to my collection of examples that this is for real, there is something to this. that i'm not crazy.. well.. ok.. maybe a little. but lol
so then i got to explain "godwinks" to the pharmacist and she is adorable and seemed to GET IT, so that made me happy.

also today i have found my feel good niche in jewelry design. its just... my thing.
and i have these new bracelets to work on that are like worry/prayer bracelets .... done rosary style and what not... they are dainty and lovely

right now i am awake because i couldnt stay asleep ... so annoyyyying damn ittt
but i guess i will make these little beautiful things until i am tired again

Stan's friend Mac seems to be an ok guy. Stan say he is so i believe it.. I just havent interacted with him much because... well... i'm hesitant honestly.. i dont like complications. give my past? yeah. i'd rather not go there.

HOWEVER we are trying to find Mac a girl here in alabama ASAP so that is the plannn.. dont know many girls that are still single.

so anyways now i am going to probably.... watch something on netflix and make stuff. i want popcorn but i'm prettttyyy sure that would wake stan up lol DAMN YOU POPCORN WHY MUST YOU BE SO NOISYYYY

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...