Wednesday, December 30, 2015

2015 has been a good year

I got engaged this year, I did my first arts and crafts festival. I lost weight I.. read a lot of books. I spent my year with the most amazing man I've ever met and I can't wait for 2016--- because in 2016 I become Mrs. Ingold


The christmas vacay was okay and not okay buy also okay.
with my anxiety and ocd being as bad as its gotten i couldn't really ask for much more.
I have an appointment with my new therapist on jan 6th
and a week or two after that I see my psych but i have a feeling they might want me to come in and try to see her earlier than that because of how bad off i am.

its weird to be happy and so very not happy at the same time.

if i could stay home and avoid the world and not have to talk to anybody when i did go out i would be fine.
but thats not how the world works

i am sick today.. and got sick on the way home last night... i went to bed trying not to vomit and it wasnt indigestion related it was.. i guess it was cold/flu related but i dont think i have the flu because i have been able to get up and move around too much

i went and got lilly this morning from mom and dadas and she is at home and we are both glad she is here. and she is glad too. we missed our baby

i am reading Pride and Prejudice and also a book on symbolism and hidden meaning in everything

I'm almost done with this green journal and stan got me a new one to use next while we were in KY.. it has a print of a Dali painting on it so I am really excited about it.. i will post photos of it when i start to use it

I cleaned up my planner and took out the xmas vacay pages and most of december and it is a tad bit slimmer but then i added february and made it bulky again lol

projects for 2016???
--read 50 books
--lose 15 more pounds (i gained like.. 4 on vacation so blah)
--journal everyday
--keep doing my daily log and planner
--stay in therapy
--eat more fruit and less crackers/pretzels
--write to Karen via snail mail again
--keep up with my online friends more
--go to the NHS band alumni gatherings and try to socialize (keep in mind that these people are people i've known for years and i should not be afraid of them)
--do some art journaling to relax
--color in my coloring books that i have so many of!!!!!
-- visit my cousin April and other family members that i never get to see but love so much
--get back in touch with Julie and Jess
--get back in touch with some people from the old days just to check on them and see how they're doing because, as usual, i still care about everyone ever. even if they dont like me. its one of my biggest flaws i think.

i am getting drowsy again

so i guess i will go...

lol i havent even taken my latuda yet and im falling asleep


Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas

Taking a moment to update this blog and say happy holidays or whatever..  Also testing out the new swipe keyboard on this tablet that. Mom gave me.

Also...  I need to make a note here to remind myself to take photos of all the gifts of gotten and the clothes Stan bought me recently.

Also remember to buy two dirty Santa gifts for the Reynolds Christmas

Monday, December 21, 2015

holiday hiatus

because i have so much going on... i am going to be using my paper journal to get shit down but i dont think i will probably update for the next week or two.... i have barely had time to think about it...
i've been really exhausted lately on top of everything so the time i would be doing this i am probably sleeping

see everyone next year i guess

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Starwars gave me the feels

I don't  wanna post any details about the movie because nobody spoiled it for me and i dont wanna do  that to anyone.. but let me say that it was amazing and the theater wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Then again i did double up on my Buspar  (the only thing i take for anxiety because the clinic sucks balls and cant give me anything for acute panic attacks )

We ate at chic-fil-a and it was ridiculous good. I had grilled nuggets and small waffle fries. It gave me some pretty bad gas though... but I'm  not surprised. . Every time I eat fast food of any kind i gat some kind of upset stomach pretty bad.

Im attempting to update this on the galaxy tablet my parents gave me but I'm still not used to the typing yet. I might download a swype keyboard on here and try that. This is fine too but its definitely  going to take me a while to get used to the spacing of the letters.

So yeah... i saw a starwars movie on opening night, boo yah.

Now im gonna go read ebooks in the dark until I can fall asleep

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

today has been insane

i got up and vacuumed and swept and mopped all before 9:30am or so

then i went to the mall *le gasp* and sent $20 of my $50 gift card on.. 3 slouchie beanie hats in more colors and 2 sets of bracelets and a pair of a earrings... yeah

then i went to target and hit the dollarspot area... i got three things of page flags-- each is different... a cute floral sticky note thing that i had wanted before but wouldnt let myself have. i also got some mechanical pencils because i am down to just two and i keep almost losing them.. i need them for my food log lol
andddd i got some Darth vader socks to replace the ones i sent to Karen..
then i went to dollar general next to the thrift store and bought like FOUR LIST PADS they were AWESOME ok totally worth it-- i might gift them to people .. i will take photos soon

then i went to dollar tree and walked around forever and picked out a pair of pants that are slightly too small but i will lose weight to make them fit and then i will be done..
my goal jeans ended up fitting me sooner than i planned so i had to do something.. and i wasnt about to spend a fuckton on jeans... i spent $2.99 lol yayayay

this morning Stan went by the post office
and stood in line and he had to wait for ever and i fell really bad.. really really badddd..
but atleast the shipping wasnt as much as i thought it would be!!

now i will wait to see how happy Karen is when she gets it.. i hope she likes it.. i wish i could have sent so so so so much more.. i might send more later. i just have so many people... i dont know... ahhhh my brain is exploding

Monday, December 14, 2015

the final countdownnnn



now that i've gotten that out of the way---
on saturday morning me went to my parents house out in the woods and it was amazing... we had to have our christmas with them early because we wont be here when it happens and we had to give gifts .... and yeah... mom and dad and them gave up way way wayway more than i expected so i feel like a fucking piece of shit now
but i dont want to make stan pay for gifts to my family in the first place-- i should be doing that... atleast contributing but im not and i want to fucking die inside over it

i hate not having something.. anything.. i dont know.. maybe if the festival in april goes well... maybe somebody will buy stuff in kentucky next week. i dont know.. i just.. something has to change or i'm going to spiral into some kind of self loathing piece of shit depression because i have no way to be responsible for anything and it makes me want to die


i have a lot of chores to do today...
i havent updated my blog in a while but i wanted to wait until i had a lot to day.

my dad and mom gave me mom's old Samsung Galaxy tablet which is fucking amazing and i'm going to use it to read books on even though i said i would never use a ebook reader but lets face it.... i already carrying enough SHIT with me with my planner and clothes and make up when we are travelling i dont need to carry 5 books with me on top of that. ok
plus i can use it for some internet things.... its easier for me to type on than my phone so i might use it to update my blog on the go--- and just leave my computer here all christmas vacay-- yeah i think i will. that would be a lot less to carry. like, ALOT LESS... since tablet and phone use same charger...tablet fits in purse with phone
i wont need a computer case

this is looking more and more good

even though nothing will ever replace my beloved chromebook because i love having my keyboard

i will never ever give up having at least one device that has a real keyboard

i started the towels in the dryer to make them warm and soft and i put in the clothes we need to wash. i am going to put up the xmas decoration that i took down last night because of the high wind.. then unload the dishwasher... i should work on some xmas jewelry projects and or sort my jewelry.. also wash the dishes in the sink and wipe down the entire kitchen really good.. stove and microwave and everything.... busy busy busy housewife life day  it's 8:40am lets get moving

it's... 8:30pm
i really did get shit done today!
i put up the towels, the clothes are in the dryer ready to be put up-- i washed the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher... signed like.. 50 christmas cards. finished a necklace... prepped to make the next one and ran to the store for extra supplies to make it awesome...

and tonight i wrote out a card to Sherri and packed up Karen's happy christmas mail package of awesomes... stan is going to take them tomorrowwwwww to the post office

stan is amazing and i cant find enough ways to express my gratitude... he gives me so much and i have nothing to give back... except taking care of him and loving him.. i feel useless... i want to buy him things and surprise him with stuff and i cant ... it hurts my soul not being able to give to people... it gives me very very bad feelings.. i think people think i say i dont like getting gifts as a way to be all "look at me i'm humble you should give me more" but i REALLY DONT LIKE IT OKAY SERIOUSLY ITS NOT FUN FOR ME

my brain hurts

i took a shower today and my hair is AWESOMEEEEE

my friend Jessy secret santa'd me a replacement lisa frank pen =X just more gifts that i feel guilty about getting ughhhhh

i am so grateful but jeeeze people i cant really ... just.... wtf... dhgojaehrbdgoljaerbdf

Friday, December 11, 2015

i got the bad feels, man

the past few days i've had a LOT of anxiety.. and its the worst kind---- i cant FIGURE OUT WHAT THE ROOT OF IT IS. i am just sitting here unable to do most anything. i could have done a bunch of things today that would usually make me happy and give me joy (i could bake a pie, make jewelry, read, play around organizing my planner stuff with my new bag and organizer, i could have washed the dog, i could have went to the store and walked around if i wanted to leave but it was too hard to get ready i couldnt do it)--- but i am sitting here paralyzed. i cant make a lot of thoughts come together at once and when i think about doing any of the things i was going to do this feeling in my chest takes over and i space out to avoid the feels. sleep is the easiest thing to do.

i found out today that the plans for our SUPER EARLY CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION with my parents tomorrow is going to be fucked up because my mom has to go the the mental hospital where nana is and have a meeting with her doctor. to be fair-- this time she didnt do anything bad, she chose to admit herself while she was getting her medication adjusted. its probably the most responsible thing she has done in a long time. and i think its because of the bipolar magazine she has started reading each month and talking to me.
here lately i am wondering if im bipolar at all... i'm so depressed.. most everything seems to be related to anxiety and ocd and eating problems and body image and self esteem

but i know that as soon as spring gets here i am going to be batshit happy happy go go go and i need to remind myself that two winters ago, the one right before i started seeing Stan--- i was so depressed i didnt get out of bed most days. it was seriously bad. last year was better i had gotten on new meds and what not... but something about this years winter downtime slope is really getting to me... it gets dark so early.. i want to go to bed at 5pm and a lot of the time I DO go to bed at 6 or so.
i'm not withdrawing from caffeine, i am sure of that, so that is not the issue
the other possibility other than seasonal bipolar mood swing and or SAD is that i really never found out if my thyroid is ok and my grandmother was a nurse she felt of my neck and look at me an said she thinks i need to get my thyroid looked at.... she has had trouble with hers since forever. and my greatgrandma had something really bad happen with hers but i cant remember what it was exactly.
im guessing my mom might not be as over weight as she is if she looked into her thyroid and hormones, mom has always had issues with stuff like that but never took the time to care for herself
i guess thats where i get that character trait from---

its almost 7pm
i was asleep from 11 am until 1pm and then again for an hour or so ... and now i am laying here and i want to sleep more.

everything is so exhausting. mentally and emotionally. not always physically but sometimes that too. mostly just emotionally and mentally. though i am sure some people are wondering how you get emotionally exhausted.... its a thing i swear.

I talked to Alaina yesterday and she and I are going to take time to use google hangouts and chat via webcam because we totally always wanted to do that but never really got to and i KEEP FORGETTING THAT I CAN DO THAT NOW ANYTIME I WANT TOOOO lol
i should do this with my other girlfriend Jo if she can get a computer and do it
but Alaina and I... dude, she is something amazing... she went from alcoholic passing out waking up in hospital er rooms to... she's getting her doctorate in psych something or nothing.. like... she is legit the miracle case that you read about... she is the person who write and sells award winning memoirs--- and she plans to. she also said i would be in it.. she has come so fucking far. one sheer will power.
i am so proud to call her a friend. i want to visit her someday. just me. so was can really spend time together. i know travelling alone is going to be hard for me but i think if i can do it---- it would be brave. and she is worth it. she is so inspiring.

i am going to either read some of my next books now--- "the grey king" book number 4 in the dark is rising sequence... or write in my little journal notebooks about my anxiety/ocd/ed/depression for my new therapist.. its serious going to be the thing that gets me through the holidays...

tomorrow i pack up everything--- cookies, cake, gifts, herc, clothes, books, planner --- everything but Lilly because she is staying home since we will only be there for one night and i dont want to stress her out over one night when just two weeks from now she will be having to go to her Nana and pawpaws house and stay there without me for almost two weeks.

and we are having our christmas thing tomorrow
and i dunno

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

wednesday blah day cant wait till friday

actually today has been pretty good
i got up and did the morning routine and then washed dishes and wiped down the counter and tidyd up the bathroom counter a tiny bit but probably not enough to notice...

i went to the thrift store and bought things for myself and i shouldnt have done that because i need to save my money for important things... i dont know when i will get more money.. maybe never

i came home and made a necklace and started up the beginnings of the other one... and then i got in the shower and i didnt WANT TO GET OUT IT FELT SO GOOD
can i just have an endless supply of hot water and sit there for a few hours please.. it felt like heaven

after that i.... well, i moisturized! hard core! lots of cocoa butter  lotion.... i smell like chocolate

i just got on the bike for like.. three minutes... i would have done longer but my mp3 player was dead dead dead and i got bored
its charged now and i will get back on it again later i think
it felt good to exercise.. i had a bit of trouble breathing for  a while  after wards but i got it under control and the longer slow breaths calmed me down

i want to badly to finish this book ughhh its taking forever and i dont even know why

oh yay i just finished it woooo

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

tuesday december whatever idgaf im tired lol

i really need to take some extra b vitamins and remember to eat protein.. i think i need it for the holidays
i always felt better when i ate chicken at night-- the next day always seemed easier
i have this turkey here but it makes me SLEEPYYYY

i ate a candy bar today LE GASP it was a ZERO BAR AND IT WAS MAGINIFICENT
it was only 400 calories though
and i had eaten nothing but yogurt before that... so it was my lunch
my snacks today are cheese its and apples... like three apples... they are really tiny though... so good... i have to eat them before they go bad... i hate wasting food it drives me insane...
i need to write down a list of my little ticks/ocd symptoms weird shit... i need stan to help me.. i know writing them down and acknowledging them is going to be important.. and making changes to fix the ones that hinder and hurt my quality of life is the step i need to take... along with changing meds... and also getting on disability
i cleaned out my therapy binder and its ready for going back to therapy in january

i am trying to get my shit together for the holidaze in general and i am failing miserably i still need to sort all my god damn jewelry before we go to KY

i am really glad we might be getting a hotel room because that will feel clean and new and have less clutter to mess with my energy...
it will be calming to sleep in a bare room and i need that while we are doing all this stuff

i am now attempting to finish this book im reading i hope i can do it tonight... i need to get another one down dang it

i dont think i will finish this book tonight.. sigh
i wish i could read faster but i dont want to speed read and not remember shit that makes me sad =/

i ate three apples earlier, right? well my stomach has been going nuts ever since lol reallly weird and gross and do not want

i want to sleep.....i am so tired all the damn time its not fair

Monday, December 7, 2015

a week closer to holiday vacationnnn ---monday monday monday dec 7 2015

this week i have a lot to do but also not a lot to do... i guess you could say that the stuff i have to do is potentially mentally and emotionally stressful. especially today.. and.. if i have to go back to Indian Rivers.. i dont know... i am scared to death of this whole.... ordeal

this week i need to clean, bake on thursday for the weekend.. make a necklace or two.... wrap gifts for the weekend... ummm.... try not to eat everything in the house because i am a fat ass piece of shit

i need to finish this book an start another one ASAP because i'm startng to think there is no way in hell i am going to meet my book challenge goal =X


okay so i went to IR and found out some stuff... its way too complicated to type out and i need to save my energy explaining it for when i tell Stan later... i went there and then went to the store for a bit but ... well, dollar trees bathroom isnt working AGAIN and i had to leave there because it was either leave and go pee somewhere or piss myself.. so i didnt get anything i was need to at dollar tree which was going to be the stuff to wrap presents and shit... fun. i am buying this shit with MY christmas money. that is supposed to be for ME
love my life man

i came home and ate some turkey that has been in the fridge since thanksgiving and promply PASSED THE FUCK OUT. does tryptophan work in turkey thats been cooked and saved up like that? i dont know but it was the best sleep.. i think i will start eating it with my latuda so i can go to bed!!! lol

i am still really sleepy...the IR trip was really hard for me... i talked to a therapist... a new person i've never met... and i cried and told things that i didnt want to tell
i am going to have my meds changed and shit again soon but its for OCD this time
i dunno
i want to sleeeeeep so tired i feel like the life is just gone from me

Friday, December 4, 2015

fantastic friday -- xmas shopping errands etc

 fantastic friday, bitches! 

today we hit the stores and get goodies for our friends and family because this is the only chance we will get to go out and do this before the ~*holidaze chaos*~ sets in.

yes i am playing with fonts and colors a little bit... get off me i love it

right now i am about to try and walk the dog, eat a bite, hop in the shower real quick (lol me.. a quick shower. does not compute) and get pretty and then i have to wake stan up before 9am because he doesnt wanna sleep past 9 am

after he gets ready we are going to the front office to renew the lease on the apartment another year. the place isnt that bad and i dont want to go through moving until we have gotten married and have everything squared away plus we need time to find a trailer and get perk tests for septic tank on family land etc etc etc.

random note: miss lilly has decided to act more like a basic kitty and she is sitting on my notebooks and books like.. "hello why are you not paying attention to me what are you doing"
so cute and so frustrating

okay okayokay i gotta get rolling. 
maybe i can get stan to take a photo (a good tabitha approved photo that is) of my outfit today because i want to dress up and it would be nice to post an outfit of the day on Instagram lol

out of shower... eating apples and aboug to dry my hair. want to find a place i can eat out today without losing my mind so we can have a legit date day =X gonna try really hard ok thanks
 we are going to see Brian's parents and talk to them and stuff around noon... =( an then going to eat

today we have to get some shopping done for xmas or we will never get it done!!!
and this weekend we need to sign christmas cards!!!!! like A LOT OF THEM. IMMEDIATELY. im starting to panic inside really bad. signing them is the part we can do ahead of time-- the rest we will do when we give them out... since they are all going to be the same
next  weekend we will go to my parents house for our little xmas and we need to use their computer to print the save the dates to put in the cards and then we will be set. i just have to remember to get that done while we are there. luckily the file is saved on my google drive so i can get it anywhere #googleowns

ok hair dry time i guess

ok my outfit is fucking sweeeeeeeeet i wish i could get  a good photo of it maybe by the end of the day  i will

ok we got back early from shopping and  had to crash i dont know what thefuck happened but i was so tired i coulnt move or talk i have been asleep for like... four hours straight and woke up just now... i have to take my medcine but after that i am done.. my head feels like its going to explode.headache.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

thursday is almost friday which is Stan and mines shopping dayyy

i went and actually bought myself some much needed clothes.. though they seem redundant but I layer my clothes so i need camisoles under my shirts and i like to match and they are $2 a pop at walmart so i got almost every color.... except the ones that i really have no need for ever.

i got a second black one because i wear black the most. and i got a cream colored one to wear with the stuff that is brown sometimes instead of the white white one... its just a softer color

i got two shirts and one of them costed more than the other because its thicker and better made .. i didnt get the ones that i thought i would because when i looked at them i didnt see me wearing them much except for december so i decided not to waste money on clothes i wouldnt wanna wear year round

so i got stuff that is not holiday oriented

i am so excited about coming back to Kentucky for a third time (on dec 22nd) this christmas I am already making outfits and packing some of them because i know i wont be wearing them here, i have no where to wear these clothes ... i dont do anything or go anywhere.. its like an adventure!!! and i get to dress cute for DAYSSS. I will get to wear ALL MY SCARVES AND HATS AND BOOTS AND I might pack my skirts and tights and heels cause i love ittttttt OMG SO EXCITED TO SEE EVERYBODY. I hope I can handle my anxiety =X its been pretty bad lately =( but planning ahead and getting a schedule of events is the only way to make it better for me... so... yeah.. planning outfits helps too, in a way, DANG IT ..... yeah sometimes i am a girly girl. usually only in the fall when its cold. in the summer i am too hot and sweaty to care about what i look clothes wise... but

uhhhh i also refurbished and decorated a $1 planner from dollar tree with duct tape and other tape and post its and yeah... i am addicted to this shit lol

today just went all to hell over some trivial shit dealing with food portions and my eating disorder making me insane and i just didnt eat at all. it was easier than trying to and being upset about not knowing how many calories because i dont have a food scale

but that gave me time to zone out and star at the wall and reboot

and then i read the rest of "A ring of endless light"

that book made me me... along with the dark is rising.. i think that "support your local wizard" book that i read of dad's is going to be the same way.. i gotta get it next time we are up there... i have so many books to read so many many bookkkkks

my head hurts and i have to find something to eat so i can take my meds and sleep ughhh

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

is it hump day already

i am not with it at all today

but i did buy some christmas stuff and that makes me very happy

i just had a shit fit because instagram flipped out and wouldnt let me use it so i un install and re install and its fine... fucking IG.... conspiracy shit i bet they are i don tknow.. whatever

lol jk im not that paranoid

these garlic parmesan triscuits are my new fav cracker... they are worth the extra money imo... they takes so much better andd i dont know they are just superior

tomorrow i might go by indian rivers or just wait until monday.. i think i will call and see if the pharmacy will definitely be open on monday and then decide because i HAVE to get my latuda on monday- its the last day i of what i have

i need to get off my ass and do chores. i want to read but i procrastinated so much i have to start doing shit ok thank i need to be a good house wife maybe santa will give me lots of lovin this christmas .... and i dont mean gifts lololol sorry i think my sex drive is coming back a bit and its very exciting... =X

the rain is gone but no sunshine just yettt

oh right the chores brb
i did lots of choresssssss yayayayayay
and we got some of this weekends planning laid out

and talked about christmas gifts for people

now i am taking stock in my books to read and i am very pleasedddd
so here are photos of my planner and plannergoodies and books i plan to read and what notttt
also bookmarks from my awesome friend Karen yayayayayayay they are the best bookmarks too!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

yay its december finallyyyyyy ---- totally awesome tuesdayyyyyy

happy holidays motha fuckas

today i have to put my big girl panties on and call the mental health clinic and see when i can come in or if they just need me to walk in and whatever i dont know i just want to get this done as quickly as possible

also today i have to cram dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and... cat box cleaning and.. i really need to wash the bed sheets and blankets =X atleast the washer and dryer does most of that lol

I have found myself nostalgic and already missing that scifi book "the dark beyond the stars" i wish i could read more that were very similar to it, and i probably will.. i just have to look them up and see what they are and track them down.. hopefully the TPL will have some stuff.
I also decided that come January I want to start reading all the Harry Potter books because I never did. And i am ashamed that I never did. and i am pretty sure i can knock them out pretty fast and bulk up my total for books read in 2016. which i plan on upping to 60 books. since i will be start in january and not halfway through the year.

i tried calling IR over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and yes i just typed that word manually all those times perfectly i did not copy paste i am fucking awesome as hell

i am so angry that i think the littlest thing is going to set me off and i really dont want to do that... so intead of vacuuming and dusting and shit i am sitting here ... 
mostly just staring at shit
and eating apples

in the mean time.... on facebook---

Stan Ingold: then just take some time, read, watch something, chill a little bit
Tabitha Leigh Reynolds: read, watch something, chill a little bit, eat all the little debbie cakes, kick a wall, toss a chair, you know the usual
i am joking i hope you know
Stan Ingold: minus the kicking and tossing
Tabitha Leigh Reynolds: can i flip a table -- just one table-- please
Stan Ingold: one of the little ones in the living room
Tabitha Leigh Reynolds: woooooooooo

i'm sorry but its the little things that make me smile.

i am seriously considering finishing this last season of Pretty Little Liars that's on Netflix. I need to check on the filming of the new stuff i hope they havent decided to cancel.. that will break my little heart

I VACUUMEDDDDD kind of... half assed but like.. 85% good lol... 
and i took a bath and shaved my legs kind of. but not really good just enough to make it tolerable... its not like im wearing shorts anywhere but in the house.

okay i finished PLL and they definitely have left it open for more and they better get on that shit
its been raining ALLL FUCKING DAYYYYYY and now its thundering oooooooooo 

i talked to old friend today and today was okay despite the crap this morning.... 

I am going to go down to IR when I get my latuda later this week and throw a cray cray white girl fit and get my shit taken care of

right now i have a really bad headache but i dont want to go to bed so i am sitting here squinting at the screen and complaining about having a headache
you know #sameshitdifferentday

Mac, Stan's friend, bought our tickets for STARWARS and now all we have to do is be there on December 17th because YES THEY ARE SHOWING IT THE NIGHT BEFORE AND WE ARE GOING OMG OMG YAY

my skull hurts

skullssssssssss and bones and bones and skulls and bones and i dont even know what i am saying hi

keep reading for more gifs =3

Monday, November 30, 2015

last day of november

i'm totes starting decorating for the holidays this week

i have to try to get an appointment at indian rivers this month asap and get that shit sorted

about to get dressed, make stan's lunch box and walk the dog if he feels up to it--- Herc had two seizures yesterday afternoon and night and it was very scary and makes me very worried and sad

ok chores, shopping more chores.
also maybe getting ready to cook dinner???

okay i got something awesome for christmas decoration that is also starwars. i didnt see it before today so i am glad i went today
its outside and stan will see it when he gets home yaaaay

okay i have done things today but they were really exhausting and involved hanging lights and holding shit up for a long time while i fixed it and i dunno that on top of my back and arms already being sore are not a good mix

i have to cook at 4:30 but it wont take long... i
i got distracted watching #plannergirl videos on youtube lolol
i cook now

i actually took some of the chicken i cooked and ate it before adding the rest to the sauce for stans chicken and rice thing. it was good. i need to do that more often..

after i walked Herc i came back in and i guess the going outside pushed my head sinus allergy cold conglomeration over the edge because i now feel like absolute shit and i want to lay here and read and go to bed.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

sundayyyyy finally home yay

thanksgiving was wonderful. i took the risk and ate food that i didnt plan on letting myself eat
i gained like three pounds... maybe 4 at the most.
i guess that is going to have to be okay. theres nothing i can do about it now

i am going to make myself busy busy busy and try also to get on the exercise bike a few times this coming week

I went to Bama's baby shower on saturday and it was very small ... I guess people decided to watch the FB game instead.. lol. cant say i blame them.. but I wanted to support Bama (and Amber, who hosted the shower) because they have been very supportive of me and Stan and my deciding to have a wedding and all that so thats what family does and I love them.

there were like. 6 little boys running around outside the house at the shower... so many kidssssss and theres about to be another little boy haha
and then hopefully another when Stan and I get to baby making mode.
I hope.

i felt like shit on saturday and fought it off to go to the shower and came home and ate and went to bed at like... 4pm?
i dunno... i needed to sleep. i pulled muscles in my entire body trying to pop stuff in my back and stretch out muscles and yeah.. leave it to me to seriously  pull muscles while doing next to nothing
i hurts really bad.. i felt of my back on the right side and the area covering the shoulder blade on that side was swollen up like.. almost two inches higher than the left side. i think I let Stan massage it and press on it too hard, i dont know.. it hurt-- then felt good.. when he did whatever he did.. and then it felt worse
i did carry a LOT of heavy things this past week--- my books and suitcase and Lilly's carrier and all the stuff.. i dont know

I am so glad to be home.. i miss my routine and schedule and I hate being around so much fucking food

i dug in my closet an found photos from highschool band.. its insane to see how much different i looked... i really had no idea that my hair being parted that way was so unflattering.. i think it wouldnt have been so bad if i had did something different with my hair.. but i didnt really give a fuck back then, i guess. i dont know..

i have to try and get the clothes in the dryer and done tonight
and also i guess i have to cook for Stan... i really just want to lay here and read a book though... 

i'm still so very tired
i dont know what or why
i guess holidays are over whelming

this next week... gotta get some crazy person poor person stuff taken care of.. hopefully nobody will give me the run around i will freak the fuck out on them i swear.. ugh

Thursday, November 26, 2015

its 7am on turkeyday

i am wide awake and getting ready to drive out to my mom's house
sleep did good but i slept very odd.. deeply, but in small spurts. of an hour at a time
oh well

atleast it feels like some of the humming and fog is gone from my head. though my eyes still have that weird feeling. maybe i just need a tiny bit more sleep and it will go away

the number on the scale has went down and what i see in the mirror looks even  LARGER than it was before.. i am so... just... the scale is lying to me... but its not.. i cant.. does not compute... i usually can see what i look like but i really cant at all.. i whole heartedly think my arms and legs and bigger than they were.. but they cant be... or my weight wouldnt be down. so wtf
its getting weird

but i am VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY close to my GOAL for the KY trip!!!
so i am happy
this weekend is a test of .... something

i have to take the scale with me, there is no other way i can make it through that many days with so much food
but i will eat just small amounts
and it will be okay
i want to eat one spoon full of everything that I like (i'm not gonna force myself to eat stuff i dont like, obviously lol)

i'm eating yogurt and tying away... i dont have much to do to get ready other than finish packing and throw some clothes on... i dont do much makeup and my hair is fine and i just have to round up the cat and gtfo

i am gonna get ready and head and update this again later


okay so its after thanksgiving mean and i am about to explode.
i ate a lot more than i wanted to and i dont know how i feel about that just yet.. and i wont know until i get on the scale and see what the damage it..
Nana was mostly okay today other than the time she got distracted looking around outside and ended up walking down the road to look at the house on the corner that we all hoped we could buy back into the family land when the people who married into the family and inherited it passed on but nope.. no such luck they sold it to someone else. but it *IS* someone who lives right here that we know and have known them a long time so i mean.... as bad as it is.. atleast its not a complete stranger... thats how i feel about it anyways.. i could be worse

i ate turkey, mashed potatoes.. and my green bean casserole was FUCKING EPIC GOOD.. like.. i cannot even.. i have no idea it was going to be that good. i am really excited it turned out that way... i added crushed up cheese nips to the french friend onions and parmesan cheese.

nana and paw paw have already left... gordon and Krista were here for the meal but they left cause they have to go do their thing

they are going to go to black friday hunting

i most definitely done eating today.

oh wow despicable me 2 is on FX???
i miss have tv hahaha
we are going to be at my parents house until sunday and i am going to a baby shower on saturday
i dont know if i am going by myself or if mom is going with me.... but its for douglas's wife, bama. she is having her FOURTH BABY
jesus christ
they need to leave some babies out there for the rest of us to have
haha lol jk i dont know if i can ever have kids... but i really want to AND IM GOING TO TRY LIKE HELLLLLLL

my mom just got really blown away because i am typing this entry and looking at her and watching what she is doing. lol old people who didnt grow up on computers are funnnnny
miss Lilly did moderately okay on the trip here.. she cried a lot of the time but it wasnt that bad..
there was a guy driving beside me on hwy 69 who was starting at me while i was petting her through the cage with one hand and driving with the other. i was also digging through my purse looking for a light and a lint brush and my lip gloss and yeah i am really bad about doing things while i am driving... when i'm manic i kind multi task for a lot of things.. like now how i am watching tv and listening to my parents and typing at the same time
its funny how sometimes i can barely focus on one thing but then other times i can do like.. four things at a time... i guess thats why when stan has been doubting me and if i can remember things or know things lately i am getting really defensive.. but i have to admit that for a while i didnt remember or couldnt do anything hardly at all, i cant really be upset because just a while ago i was kind of blaaaah

okay so i think i want to go eat some more of my green bean casserole lolololol omg i am going to get so fattttt

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

humpday cookday pack up be ready to go day

that about sums today up
I'm making chocolate covered pretzels and and packing up stuff to make my casserole at moms and packing clothes and getting everything i need together for the entire weekend

I slept on the couch last night so Stan could get a good nights sleep. i talk and move around too much in my sleep and its starting to bother him... which makes me sad and makes me feel like a bad wife. i dont know what to do.. i might need to be on some kind of medication that knocks me the fuck out? i know they do sleep studies but that is probably expensive and i dont even know... i might not be able to sleep anywhere but home anyways so it would be useless id ont know know whatever... i just know i do talk a lot in my sleep.. ALOT and i do stuff and i used to sleep walk. i might still sleep walk. i dont know... i've done this since i was a child but its gotten worse here lately


i made stans lunch box, saw him off to work, walked the dog, checked the mail again even though i had already checked it yesterday but i cant not check it if im right there. then we came back here and and i am eating yogurt and about to go to the walmart for some lady problem medicine and i am pissed as fucking hell and sad and outraged and i mad and pissed and sad and wish i didnt have a cooter but i do and theres nothing i can do about it. fml fml fml fml. #cooterprobs

Then I will make these pretzels.. and do some chocolate covered (off brand) oreos
and make a list and pack and check list again and and sit here with my planner and decide what to take with me this weekend.. probably going to take the xmas cards so we can start signing them to give them out next month... we problably have 50 to sign so its best to get going as soon as possible in my opinion

i am typing really fucking fast this morning and i dont wanna go back to check for errors so take this as it is i'm gonna upload this post and eat and go to store and come back and probably check this again and fix it and add more and make pretzels and read somewhere in between because i still have like.. 8 books to read... getting close now though and i think i will definitely make it to my goallll

i slept like 4 hours last night and i am flyinggggg

today has been a nightmareeeeeeee

and i have had my smiley face mask on the entire TIIIIIMMMEEEEEEE
until this evening
just too much shitttttheidoghvaorhjgordfhgldf
im supposed to take a shower tonight but lolololololololololololololol
FAT CHANCE im so tired i would probably fall asleep as soon as the hot water hit my skin
no really i have to try i might just sit down in the tub and wash my hair and i dont know...

i keep spacing out and staring at walls and shit i am so listless and tired and i cant even snap out of it.. im just.... its like i reset every 15 mins.. and check online and and phone and zone out again... i wish Stan didn't have the TV so loud but its his apartment... and whatever. i need quiet. but i cant get it right now

i have got to figure out how to fall asleep without having so many god damn convulsions and shit.. and talking in my sleep really loud and i dont know... god damn it.. cause its like im not sleeping.. i dont know.. god damn it

damn it damn it damn it im going to go eat chocolate and cry and take a shower and cry in the shower and then attempt to untangle my hair before bed or someshit who the fuck knows maybe i will let it dry tangled and then cut the shit off and be done with it.. like grab a wad of tangles and cut it out until its just jagged edges and random everywhere.. i dont know wha ti am talkinga bout i am about batshit as it get right now

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

totally taxing tuesday nov 23, 2015

taxing as in exhausting.
so much to do.

okay so i have already taken my meds, made lunch box, walked herc, saw stan off to work.
and i have went shopping and had to buy an insanely huge bag of cat litter and i didnt want to but the small bags were sold out in two different stores so wtf

i also got stan some candy and sweet things
i got myself deoderant and astringent and soap
and hand soap for the house cause it was a huge ass bottle for really cheap and it was a refill bottle for dispensers so its cool.. its also got lotion stuff in it which i need for my old lady dry dishwashing hands

the cat litter is 25 pounds and so heavy and i am so fucking exhausted and i havent even gotten it out of the car yet!
i dont think i will be vacuuming today... the floors arent that bad and we wont be here most of this week anyway

so fuck that shit

its 11 am and i am DONE so fucking tired and i have so much to do before thursday and even on thursday and wtfff being a house wife around the holidays is HARD WORK i need a raise lmao =P


its 2:30 and i have.. change the catbox, seasoned the porkchops for dinner and put the rest away and also seasoned them.. wrote down some packing things for this week because i started panicking because i am afraid i am going to forget something when i leave buttttt
stan is leaving after me later in the day and he can bring anything i forget!! isnt that awesome.. maybe we should do this more.. we ALWAYS FORGET SOMETHING
its like planning for the fail. lmao

I am about to clean up Mac's utility room cause Murph likes to knock his water over and spill it every single day

okay so the floor of macs utility room is... dry and crusted over with.... whatever was in the water when it dried.. i didnt wanna completely mop the thing so i just tidy'd up and fed the cat and played with him and gave him some of Lilly's yarn and left.
I came back here.. got the clothes out of the dryer and my bood sugar crashed so bad that i passed out for a second and the jerks back and i apparently cried at the same time i dont know.. anyways..
and i have been laying on the bed with the deskfan blowing on me, drinking water and eating animal crackers..

i am pooped and i need to plan everything for this week before i go insane andi have to COOK TONIGHT TOO SERIOUSLY I LOVE THIS BEING BUSY THING BUT THE HOLIDAYS ARE LIKE... DA FUCK


Monday, November 23, 2015

grocery shopping dayyyyyy --- manic mondayyyy nov 23 2015

yayyayayayayy its foodstamp day (might be one of the last i ever have because of their new rules but i think my doctor will write me a letter to help me on that)

going to dollar tree, ALDI, then Walmart. then coming home. unloading the groceries and putting them away. Then I have to unload the dishwasher and fold the towels that are in the dryer. also have to check on Mac's cat Murphy because we are catsitting this week =) =) =) i love kittiesss

i dont know about dinner... i will have to ask Stan.

i am eating egg whites and drinking some english breakfast tea with soy milk. i need some calories and sugar this morning lol

i will take some animal crackers and tiger pop suckers with me also peppermints... and glucose tablets. i never know what my blood sugar is gonna do when i go out and get active and do stuff... its like playing with fire every time.
i have to be prepared.


i get to dress cute today in my winter clothes, so that is an extra amount of exciting!!!!

okay i gotta go eat now.. i wanna get to the stores at 9am and its just a hair past 8 and i still have to get ready and see stan off and eat and load up the car --- taking a tiny cooler to keep some things cold on the way home because im going to get cold stuff before my last store stop and i need to get a bigger cooler and we will do that when we go back to my parents house this week for thanksgiving because we left our bigger cooler up there last time we were there.

okay goodbye.


okay so... everything went okay today except I there's a stray cat living in the ALDI parking lot and i want to help it and i cant but people are feeding it and they are trying to get him tame enough to pick up so he can have a home... other wise its only a matter of time until somebody hits him and that will break my heart... i sat there in the parking lot for 30 minutes after i put my groceries in the car talking to him and i got him to sniff my hand and he backed off he didnt run or hiss or anything just walked on like "okay now what" i dont think he is going to be a mean kitty i just think he needs another day or two of people talking to him and giving him food.. the poor little guy... i should have taken a picture.. but if i did i would have gotten even more attached to him... it was so so hard to walk away.. it was like abandoning a child.... like.. it made me sick to my stomach. and now i am teary eyed and about to cry.

i came home and brought over 9000 lbs of groceries inside and put the cold stuff away then the rest then i took the dog out for a walk and unloaded the dishwasher...
then i ate some apples and folded the towels..
and put them away
and i read some in my book and lost track of time...
I fed the dog... called my mom...
 and took out the trash then checked the mail

Stan got home right as I was checking the mail-- he had went to the store and i helped him get the stuff he bought into the house and thanked him for buying things for me because i am a needy little bitch or something. i feel like. i hate it. and i dunno. whatever.
 and then.....  then walked the dog again.
called mom again to clarify some details for the thanksgiving week plans.

and now i am... sitting here trying to decide what to eat and if i wanna read or watch the rest of pretty little liars or Murder She Wrote because I am an old lady
its 6:36pm btw

Sunday, November 22, 2015

sunday is planning dayyyy

so i get up today and do lots of house work and plan the next weeks events as much as i can.... the meals, the shopping, the errands, the phone calls, the chores, the whatevers... basic housewife shit that totally makes my day and i kind of get off on the planning

today i have made a detailed checklist for grocery shopping with items divided into the stores at which i will get them, or attempt to--- then defer to the next cheapest place for purchasing if they arent in stock at the lowest place.

if something is 5 or more cents cheaper at AlDI i will be getting it at ALDI from now on and this is very exciting.. though i have one hurdle-- the cold foods. i need a cooler in my trunk to keep stuff cold while i finish my shopping. so this is irritating. the cooler we do have is at my parents house so it is of no use to me and that makes me a tad bit angry. okay a lot a bit angry. the other option was stan's lunchbox but he is using is tomorrow... there WAS a styrofoam cooler his mom sent with us back from kentucky but i dont know what the fuck happened to it--- i had to hide it from Miss Lilly because she wanted to shred it into tiny little pieces of foam with her claws lol

i had some nice cream of celery with mushroom soup last night and it was a condensed soup and i didnt really water it down enough because i wanted to eat the whole can by i didnt want to have to eat THREE BOWLS OF IT and it was a thicker soup with less water. that being said... the amount of sodium i ingested has literally made me retain 2.5 lbs of water weight. i shit you not. and my legs are doing that weird thing where if you press on them there an indention in my skin that stays for a while.. yeah.

other weird health things? i woke up at 2am to try and poop and it took me two hours of straining to make any. lots of fucking pain. cramping. i was crying at one point. shit sucks man. and today i am still hurting like i need to go... or its my period cramps. i really cant tell the different when they're both really bad at the same time. and also i think i saw traces of blood in my stool just a few minutes ago but it was bright red meaning it is from the lower end of the digestive tract... and might just be from all the effort of trying to pass things early this morning (i hope) and that it goes away i hope that ... because if its just... i dont even know what to do... i cant go to the doctor... i would probably just let it keep going and see if i get sick?? or die? i dont know what all that crap is down there i dont have any idea about how all that stuff in my abdomen works i just know it makes a lot of weird squelchy noises and i can hear stuff moving around in there a lot... its not stomach hungry growling... its poop screaming let me out ok thanks.

i need to do more productive things but i am in pain and laying on my stomach because the pressure on my abdomen feels wonderful amongst the cramping

Saturday, November 21, 2015

ahhh saturday ----im fucking pissed off today btw, just sayin

after having time to sleep and recover from the dinner meeting last night i did really have a good time. i just felt rather awkward because of the setting and how hard it was to get anybodys attention to talk

today we kind of tried to sleep in but didnt succeed. we did however lay in bed and talk for an hour or two about random shit and it was night to just talk and cuddle and talk.

we are going shopping later for little things
but today and tomorrow are going to be resting

on monday i can to grocery shopping again and i get to go to ALDI for my main stuff for the first time ever since they opened wooooooooooo so excited

okay so today was kind of shit and i ended up going shopping alone and using the last of my cash (that was supposed to be for gas) on house stuff because i dont want to use stans debit card and blah blah blah
so i have like dimes and nickles
which means i cant get a cart at ALDI--- but without gas money if i go to ALDI on monday that means i will have no gas left (and no way to put more in) for the rest of the week and further on..

so idek what im gonna do on monday


im pissed off

im on my period
and im just pissed off

im gonna eating something and watch netflix or read or something


now its 6pm and we have decided that we will go put gas in my car tomorrow enough to get me through the entire week, even the weekend stuff. so that is good


idk we will figure it out

now i am eating cream of celery soup with mushrooms and im gonna watch things on netflix... but after im done eating im gonna get back to reading my book because its getting really gooooooddd

okay i watched a few more episodes of Pretty Little Liars and realized there's only 2 left on there right now... i think they are recording more right now so hopefully i will get some more to watch
i'm also watching Private Practice and Murder, She Wrote...
I like weird shows sometimes... the shows I remember people watching when i was a kid.. i'm going to ask my Nana what other shows she watched... I already know she wathed Golden Girls and Murder, She Wrote.. there mustve been other ones that i dont remember

I .... I totally had more to say but I took some "relax and sleep" pills from dollar tree and they are all herbal natural stuff but they sure do knock me out good now that i weigh less lol PERKS OF BEING SMALLER MEDICATION WORKS BETTER

Stan has started blogging and its exciting and scary at the same time\
i really planned on talk about this more but i can barely keeo my eyes focus so im gonna update this post and curl up in bed

Friday, November 20, 2015

finally friday nov 20, 2015

i have been all kinds of down in the dumps this week. i've been asleep more than i've been awake the past three days or so

and tonight i have committed to going to meet a bunch of my old friends from highschool band at a pizza place and i really am not feeling it but i am going to go anyway

i have to get dressed now or i will never make it on time because i know i am going to get distracted and stop and do something else and probably change my mind about going and then change it back again and i just need  a lot of time because i'm batshit ok

okay its 3:13pm and my shower went ok... though we did seem to run out of water faster than normal which kind of irritated me but i got over it because oh well what the fuck can i do about it i didnt need to shave my legs all the way anyway im wearing jeans and boots lol
oh my god i forgot about no shave november

my period started just now and its three days early so i suspect that might have something to do with my laying in bed feeling like a completely useless piece of shit and having no energy and wanting to do. that also might be why i couldn't exercise my full amount of time last night.. i thought i was gonna pass out.. never in my life had i gotten that tired that fast. it was ridiculous.

my hair looks amazing and i have picked out THE PERFECT OUT FIT
now i have to paint my nails and shit and do my eye make up because thats pretty much the only parts that will take any time.. make up and nails and i dont even HAVE to do my nails i just want to... and the only make up im doing is my eyes



its 9:30
i left the NHS band alumni thing early because i couldnt be in a loud place that long and everybody i wanted to talk to was at the other table and there was no way to get over there without standing up while talking and i didn't want to do that and i dont know i hate everything

i am going to bed
it was nice seeing people
maybe next time it will be better?

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

wet wednesday!!!! nov 18, 2015

so much rainnnnn omgggg  and i feel horrible because stans black umbrella was in my car and my pink one was in the house and he took my pink one.. i told him i would go get the black one but he wouldnt let me go out in the rain for that now i feel like a bad housewife =( my man is gonna be using a pink black and white flourish design umbrella =(  im so sorry babyyyyy =(

i woke up at 5:30 am with a severe headache so i took two ibuprofen and drank some warm soy milk tea and dozed back off... and when stan got up as his time it was gone.. i am so glad i got up and took care of my headache because it was really really really bad. almost migraine... it was on one side and i felt nauseated.. i guess it WAS a migraine. i dont know.. i might come back if it was... i just caught it early..
i  dunnooo

im eating a carton of frozen non fat peach yogurt.. its just as good as fruity ice cream and way better for you... just put your yogurt in the freezer and be ready to scrape the soft melting outer part and eat it slowly... its so good and takes a long time to eat and yay


after this i am scrubbing the shower/tub i've already got some spray sitting on it and i will put on some old shoes so i dont have to stand in cleaning stuff and get in there and scrub it.. i cant stand outside and do it because i am so short i cant reach and balance lol so i have to stand inside the tub and the chemicals make my feet peel and burn and its weird and yeah i learned that the hard way

today is going to be a cleaning day and sorting jewelry day
maybe signing parts of christmas cards day

and also reading books with warm tea day
because its hella book reading fleece blanket wearing coffee/tea drinking daytime nap taking weather
i just need to get my weekly chores done before i let myself indulge in the feelings of the day =P

i scrubbed the tub and got so tired after that i dozed for a few hours... off and on.. and read.. and dozed..

this weather is also making very hungryyyy which is BADD BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD
i cant stop eating and omg i'm gonna gain all this weight back and wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf

also i kind of dozed off for hours today.. and woke up just now and im taking my meds because im not sure i will remember or be awake to take them later... and yeah.. Zzzzzzzzz fuck you rain

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

tuesdayyyyyy nov 17 2015

today is big cleaning dayyyy

  • dust kindasorta there wasnt enough in one weeks time
  • vacuum
  • sweep
  • catbox
  • dishes in sink ?????

then i will sort some more jewelry maybe

i need to get on the bike today i havent done that in a whileeee but today i am doing a lot of physical work with the vacuum and sweeping so i dont know if i will.

gonna read this book "the dark beyond the stars" apparently there is LGBT material in it and i dont remember that when i read it when i was a kid but that i ok i dont care.. i just remember the book having a big impact on me thinking about space exploration and travel and what not.

today my meds didnt knock my out so bad... which i am thankful for!

last night stan and i had a little romp around midnight and i am happy we did. i felt very sexy and and i supposed to will start to feel that way more and more now that i dont hate looking at my body as much as i did before i lost weight.... it was literally like torture.. i couldnt imagine anybody else wanting to touch me... i felt disgusting.. i still do but its less now and i feel like i might look semi-ok.


finishing my english breakfast tea and then changing the catbox... doing that first because i usually spill a little litter on the rug and i can vacuum it up with the vacuum if i do that next so yay productivityyyy

okay the day went by in a blur... i vacuum talked to mom on the phone and found out my brother was coming by with  my mail that went to the house and he had Krista with him so we chatted and I gae Krista her official "WILL YOU BE MY BRIDESMAID" card.. now i have to mail julie/jess theirs and april hers lol... and start on the christmas cards oh my i think i will do that soon!! just need to sign then and write on evelopes the names and fill in addresses as we get them and add the STD and stan signs them and yeah....
so much to doooo i need to get on ittt lol
WEDDING PLANNING IS HARD YALL THE STRUGGLE IS REAL I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I AM UP FOR THIS ANYMORE LOL I JUST WANNA GET MARRIED AND HAVE OUR PLACE TOGETHER SOMEWHERE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER MY DREAMS HAVE ALL COME TRUE.. seriously... irl... so blessed.. i dont deserve this one fucking bit and it nags the hell out of me every god damn day. i will always have this feeling of un worthy ness ... its not going anywhere.. i will always be not ... good enough for this... but its been given to me anyways and i dont know what to do.. i just have to live my life.. i dont deserve it.. i know so many people who deserve this prince charming happily ever after that i'm getting and i just.. why me... i dont know.. i want to cry... i think i shall cry.. if only i could find a way to express that i REALIZE how odd and strange it is that me of all people .. gets this.. that i realize its not fair.. and i dont know how or why its happened and i feel guilty...  okay i am crying a lot

stan went out tonight with his friends from work, which is a really good thing. he needs to do that more often i think.. or he will go insane with the bad feels from work and shit.

i went to bed really early and woke up just now at 2am
and the storms are about to roll in in about 3 hours...

But i think i need to try and go back to sleep because Stan just came to bed

Monday, November 16, 2015

manic monday, if i do say.. maybe.. kinda. idk

I have tons to do today and I got up at 6:30am... took my meds.. and they are already making me crash.. i set an alarm for 8:30am incase I do doze off =( I made sure I got stan's lunch box together and walked the dog and gave the babies their morning treats before I came in here and sat down. hopefully i wont fall asleep but there is little i can do to keep it from happening given the kind of medication that is working its way into my bloodstream right now lol... it didnt usually make me this sleep but i lose a lot of weight and so... theres less of my body to use it and its more... saturated in my system i guess is what i am trying to say.

today i have to go get cat litter and laundry detergent and then do a lot of house work
tonight i will be cooking for stan.. which is good because it makes me feel useful and i have been cooking for him a lot here lately... so yay.. housewife stuff

okay i dozed off for around 15 mins i think but i awake now
i'm going to call DHR at 9am and then go to the store.. i'ts 8:40 right now
i have so much to do todayyyyy
and tomorrow i have to vacuum and sweep and stuff


okay called DHR and left a message, folded the towels, took out half the trash and went to the store for stuff... and forgot the cat litter so stan has to get that with the other stuff on his way home.. now i am.. going to take out the rest of the trash, cook some egg whites and watch netflix... then wash the dishes (i would wash them before but why do that if im going to make more right after lol)

ummm.. i think my car has a seriously flat tire and i'm scared we will have to buy a new one
i dont know

bad shit just keeps happening i hate everything boo you whore lets go eat worms and cry

ok DHR called me back and i think i have got this almost sorted so that is good. i just ate egg whites and also decided to treat myself to this Whatchamacallit that i have had saved for like.. a week?
 i kept saving it for dire emergency and i think this is an emergency i want to eat the whole house lol

i need to wash dishes soon.
i always put it off but when i start doing it i love it, idk. i'm weird.

and now dishes are done its 3pm and i am trying not to tweet a bunch of tweets about horrible things that are funny inside my head on twitter (for example... regarding terrorist coming to alabama to get our fried chicken #helpmebabyjesus)

i just cooked dinner... aaaaand Mac came over with a cigarette charged air pump for tires and fixed my tires so yaaaaaaaaay i am not scared to drive anymore woooo
i took my meds and i will probaby go to bed sometime soon..

tomorrow is vacuum sweep dust catbox dayyyyyy lots of physical activity work which is awesome i need it

i talked to mom today and she is coming to town wednesday and will meet me and give me my letter from DHR about my SNAP stuff and then i will go to IR next week and throw a crazy white girl fit and that will be all i need to do i'm pretty sure. I just need a letter from IR saying i suffer from chronic life long mental illness and blah blah blah

oh well
time to readddd

its 10pm I finished the stephen king crime novel "Joyland"
andmehhhhhhhh not impressed... i mean, the writing is GREAT! really, i love his way with words... but it was kind of boring and slow. it was super easy and good to read though. i mean, i liked the phrasing and the way the thing was put together but something just didnt quite make the cut of what i expected.. though i know he usually doesnt write this kind of book... i will read others soon... i just wanted to get something short and moderately interesting in my list of books for this year... it WAS interesting. i did enjoy it. but it left me feeling like it was lacking something...


NOW IAM READING THE FIRST SCIFI SPACE BOOK THING I EVER READ.. when i was like.. 12? it's "the dark beyond the stars" by Frank M. Robinson
My dad took this book i'm reading now to 2nd and Charles in Birmingham to try and get credit for it and some other books and when he found out how little they were going to give him he was going to put them in the give away bin hoping somebody would get it that was interested in it somehow... and i was like "DAD NO NO NO NO THIS WAS THE FIRST OF YOUR BOOKS I READ"  so yeah i kept it and its been a few years since that day but now i am reading it... and oh my god i had no idea how much it had ingrained in my head.. just some of the very phrases and wording and its like... it's like this and ~*THE DARK IS RISING*~ are the skeleton on which my brain made up its weird fairyland world of books and magic and weirdness i dont know.. i can't explain it.. BOOKS ARE MAGICAL GOD DAMN IT. I WILL NEVER OWN AN e-READER I NEED THE BOOK IN MY HAND

ok now i am going to try to sleep but i am not sleepyyyyy
i have a lot to do tomorrowwwww

Sunday, November 15, 2015

What a weekend... nov 14-15, 2015

So... this weekends theme is REST AND RELAX. especially for Stan but we did a lot of stuff yesterday!!!! and I think I was way more exhausted than he was hahaha

on saturday we went to Five Guys for lunch. Stan got a huge amazing burger of some sort--
i dont even know what kind lol... the best thing was the side of cajun fries.... I took my own ranch dressing so I could eat them. they are sooo hot and spicy but soooo good.

then we went to ALDI and got some more applesand looked around... decided that for our purposes the meat really isnt any cheaper though it might be better quality.. however-- the canned good and produce and other stuff are definitely worth going there for and i will be getting our milk, OJ, apples, canned green beans, corn, potatoes, wheat bread, etc from there exclusively from now on.

then we went to World Market and looked at the awesome stuff and decided we would be going there again for some christmas gifts and other things.

I was tired after that so I stayed in the car while Stan went to Belk and got some more pants and then we went to Walmart and he got me some panties and three camisole under shirts that i have needed badly for a while and never gotten. they were really cheap too.. just $1.98 a piece and that is fucking great

we came home and i pretty much just crashed and went to sleep. like.. i woke up to eat and take my latuda but i was so tired. omgg

and today i woke up at the butt crack of dawn because my body is on a schedule and it needs to stay that way so i'm awake at 6:30am.. do some stuff.. take my meds which, now that i have less body mass-- are feeling a lot stronger than they were. which is fine i kind of like it honestly.. it means i know they are for real getting in my blood stream.  but they make me drowsy for about two hours

on the weekend it doesnt matter but during the week i am going to have to do everything i plan to do and try and get stuff out of the way just incase i fall asleep.. which is okay.. i mean i can just shift my chores to the afternoon and not have that free time for reading or whatever.. but i dont like that i want to be awake the whole day if i can.. i feel like a lazy piece of shit if i take naps

and sooooo sunday

today has been lazy day
started laundry and i dunno what else

i am so tired right now i dont even.. blaaah
i walked the dog. unloaded the dishwasher, planned next weeks meals (or most of them)
im sorting through and organizing some more of my clothes...

okay wow so... our dryer just quit working so we are.. kind of unable to do laundry now until we get new washer and dryer (the washer was going out anyways, i think)
Stans clothes are dry (i had already dried them twice before it stopped working)
but i dont think he believes they are because he is weird about his clothes and idek what the fuck ever

 i just hung the towels up around the apartment so they can dry because i had already put them through the wash with the intention of drying them first thing tomorrow morning after giving stan his pants

haha and like 5 mins after i typed that i tried the dryer again just on a whim and it started right up... wtffff
thats it yall im eating some food, taking my latuda and going to read and hopefully finish this book tonight and fall asleep...

Friday, November 13, 2015

friday the 13th... november 2015 teehee

ooooh, i didn't even realize it was going to be friday the 13th! haha
not that it really means anything honestly... it only means something if you think it does.. things of this nature only have power if you believe in them... so its best to just go on like its not anything special

i finished the 3rd book in ~*THE DARK IS RISING*~ sequence this morning at like.. 6am.. because i woke up too early and i needed something to do.
so now i can start the Stephen King book my dad loaned me today.... it's not his usual stuff but i think it will be lovely just the same... it's a crime thriller novel and i love me some crime stuff..

i need to take a shower today.. its been way too long. also do the dishes.
and sort my earrings back into the baggies so they are all nice and neat for whatever i go with them next.
after that i will just read and try to keep away the crazy...  i get so bored that i feel like i am going to snap someday.. but there is nothing i can do about it but try to find shit to do in the house..... i cant really go anywhere.. theres no point... i will just get sad
and it wastes what little gas i do have in my car.. i need that gas for when i actually do get to spend the last of my foodstamps.. which might be one of the last time i get them.. which means after that i really am going to be slave the this house.. but i cant think about that... i will start crying and i dont know if i can stop.

this weekend we will be staying home so Stan can rest and i am very thankful for that... i have been worried about him a lot the past few weeks and i feel really helpless because i cant make him feel better because its all work related stuff and theres literally nothing that i can do but have dinner on the table and comfort him when he gets home


okay its 2:16pm and i have taken a shower-- i feel ridiculously better now
i've eaten two apples and yogurt and i am starving but i dont wanna eat just yet... i have plans for dinner and i need wait and have my bigger meal later on but i will definitely have to eat something between now and then or i will pass out

gonna walk the dog soon i guess i dont know

i started reading "Joyland"
i am suddenly very tired
i guess i will take a nap
i took a nap and thought it was like.. two hours and it was 10 mins wowwwww i do this all the time but its just getting really annoying here lately. Stan is having the same problem.. we keep going to bed at like.. 9pm waking up at midnight ready for 7am... then the rest of the night is this fight to sleep more when we are awake already... ughh

this book Joyland is taking forever to get going... books like that tend to annoy me at first but i know it will get better i just have to keep on reading.
i think i will read another book at the same time.. NOT from ~*THE DARK IS RISING*~ though.. probably one of the books from middle school or something

i have had  a lot of trouble balancing lately... its like.. my body feels off center.. i feel weird when i walk and stand.. like something is missing? i dont know.. maybe its my ass thats disappeared hahahahahahha no it hasnt its still here.. trust me...

im bored heres some gifs

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...