Saturday, November 29, 2014


dont really care but yay

lol actually i do care fml im turning into a redneck

stan told mom how to make delicious casserole thing that was supposed to have chicken but turkey is good too

today has been the longest saturday ever

its still the first quarter..

i am downloading roms for emulators so i can play the vidya gaems when im home alone being a house wife
harvest moon friends of mineral town
golden sun
some zelda stuffff of courseeeee <3 nbsp="" p="">

im so spoiled haha

we are talking about my applying for disability though, since it doesnt seem like i am going to be able to be around people without freaking the fuck out all the time

im sad because stan is hurting a lot =/

i have to start cooking for stan soon and i am scared =( haha
im taking photos of recipes from moms collection and organizing them in Evernote notebook of recipes
im use more tech app shit than i even though i would. i always wanted to have paper and notebooks but.. sigh
this is just something to do i guess.
i know i will have to write the recipe out when i look at the image to make it because i dont like having my hands on my phone while im cooking.


Friday, November 28, 2014

Lol its Friday

I totally forgot to post the Monday post and now it's Friday.

I'm at my parents house. We got here at noon on Thanksgiving and will be here until Sunday.
It's nice to get out of town when you know all the football crazed fans will be taking over the city.

Thanksgiving was good despite my nana being on all the wrong meds and being a mess. She was still sweet in her own way. The food was amazing. My nana makes the best sweet potato pie thing in the world. But even sure if it's a pie but it sure as hell taste like one. Yum.

Ffffffff and you know my period decided to start as soon as we got here.  And I had no tampons. But my boyfriend is the best and went to the store and got some for me. He even gets the right ones now.  =P

I don't know what it is about being here but I stay so sleepy the whole time. Feels so good to sleep...
It just sucks me in. Deep unshakable sleep..
Speaking of.... Gonna do that soon.

It's been so wonderful to spend time with my parents and my brother. Stan is the perfect Addition to our family and I am so very happy.

Good night Internet

Monday, November 24, 2014


today i got up and made lunch for stannnn in his lunch box to go to workkkk =)

and then i unloaded the dishwasher, put the clothes up, took out two bags of trash and ... went to the thrift store and blaaaah

we are watching The Riches again

and its bed time!

so tireddd

Lol idek

Food we love foooooooods

Saturday, November 22, 2014

the rest of saturday or some shit

so after all my pooping every 30 minutes all through the AM
i slept until 1pm

my abdomen is so sore from the poops

Stan woke me up to tell me we can access the UK Netflix site which means we get to watch AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN now instead of waiting cause they keep pushing the day back over and over.

Friday, November 21, 2014

2am Saturday blog post

So uh yesterday was okay.  Until I left the house to try and get some fresh air and walk around... Went to stores and felt really.... Disenchanted with everything. I want to decorate for the holidays but the decorations I am looking for might be hard to find. I will be making my own for a bunch of things.  And so stan has to go with me for shopping and I don't like him buying stuff for me.

Ugh anyways I came home and ate more grilled cheese sandwiches. Oh my god... I woke up just now in so much pain. Idek what the hell I was thinking eating all that cheese. It's like I'm trying to kill myself lol

Death by cheese constipation

Today is going to be fun. I am going to be miserable and drinking laxative tea and watching desperate housewives

We are staying home this weekend and I have decided to cook a meal all by Myself.
I know this is a very scary thought but he is going to be here in case I catch stove on fire.  (I am not used to the traditional stove eye burners.  My mom has hers under glass and they are Un exposed... Almost impossible to catch fire)

These normal ones scare me lol

Oh god I have to go poop

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Tgi..... Thursday?

I think Stan is almost better from being sick.... He is going back to work today.

I started my new  medicine Latuda last night even though I probably should have let the St. Johns wort get out of my system more... But it's OK.
It's also an anti psychotic so I actually feel I bit more clear heard today so.... Haha maybe I am schizophrenic... It does run in the family and I do have most the symptoms.


So anyways back to work
Have some house work to do and need to get a shower pretty bad.

Gonna update this off and on today.

The swipe keyboard thing makes updating on the fly super easy... Though I've been to depressed to do it much lately..... I think things will be looking up here shortly.

Is now 8:52
I had to take a nap right before stan got home because I had some headache pretty bad. He let me sleep until I woke up.. Which was just now. Though so soon as I got out of bed my head started hurting again.

Anyways today was pretty productive. I got a lot of the small chores that had built up out of the way... I even had time to cook my self grilled cheese sandwiches (which I'm not supposed to eat anymore because my body doesn't do cheese lol)
But oh my god they were heavenly. And we have a huge block of colby monterrey jack Swiss cheese in there that is going to start molding soon and I am going to be so pissed......  I am tired of the food I get going bad. Especially when it's stuff HE wanted me to buy. Though I will be honest and say I can't remember if I wanted the cheese or if he did but he usually was always wanting cheese so I think it's him.....

Anyway.. Also the eggs need to be eaten soon. Damn it.

I'm having to eat cereal because the milk is going to go bad too.

I watched an episode or two of "desperate housewives" .... The site is just hilarious. I like it because it's so horrible.

I'd rather watch "the riches" or "weeds"  but stan said he would watch both of those with me and are almost halfway into the riches I think.
I stopped watching weeds when he promised to watch it with me because it would be so much more fun with someone else.

I just took my second dose of Latuda. I have to take it with food.... The pamphlet specifically says it has to be at least 350 calories. That is fucking insane to eat right at bed time but oh fucking well if rather be happy and not depressed in a month or two... Even if I gain weight... Which is one of the most common side effects.
Right along with decreased white blood cell count.

Good stuff.

Anyways my headache is getting worse so I'm going to bed

Yay for being able to update on phone in the dark haha

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

well now that the hard part is over

i wont be playing clarinet with the community band anymore.

i freaked out and they took my handling of the panic attack as me being all snotty and mean and just refusing to play but really i just couldnt play anymore because i was shaking and about to fall apart. and i was embarassed as hell because i couldnt do it... (the other girl who plays my part with me wasnt there tonight, which is probably the real reason i folded and gave up.... i cant do this alone i need a stand partner i need someone playing with me)

i would have left quietly and just ...yeah..
its kind of hard to get up and leave in the middle of rehearsal when you are crammed in on the front row and would have to move a bunch of shit to leave.

i cannot handle the pressure of playing right now, not in such a small band where i am exposed and know people are counting on JUST ME for that part... my nerves and anxiety was why i quit in college and its why i have to now.

i never got any better i guess. i just thought i did
im still the same worthless piece of shit musician that i always was
i never had a chance at anything in the music field
what a fucking joke

i mean.. the only other thing i can think of is... my asking for rehearsal numbers ... the parts for clarinet were the same loop of notes over and over and couldnt figure out where we were, and had been having that trouble a lot..  and again i get frustrated and freeze up. mr P does that and it really helps me... why can my suggestion of it be constructive criticism? i cant be the only person lost in the repetitive bull shit that christmas music tends to be haha... especially when you are playing a piece that is stylized for a certain feel..
i wouldnt ask for rehearsal numbers in the concert-- just rehearsal..  THATS WHAT THEY ARE AMIRITE

i just guess i am not good enough to play with a group anymore because i am intimidating my god damn self into stupor
it breaks my heart
more than i can stan

and the concert was coming up so soon and i was freaking out inside and i've been so fucking depressed

like i havent even talked about it i guess
people like to keep up nice appearances and not talk about it but i am having a hard time just getting out of bed and feeding myself somedays. i was holding out for my next psychiatrist appointment and it was... ON THE DAY OF THIS SHIT GOING DOWN.. wooooooo

like ayayayayayy as if life could be anymore fucking peculiar

i was laying in bed with stan before i left for rehearsal monday evening and he was trying to talk me INTO going to band. i didnt even want to go... i makes me so nervous and then when im there i act weird because im panicky and or just dissociate and i dont even know.. then i get mad because i want to play so bad.. so so bad... and i just cant
i cant

nothing can fix it and its done. its over. im done. i cant play. and they dont want me to be part of their band because hskjghoaursgharohgbo;rkl

i might burn through all my sage i a fuming with nasty vibes
and stan is pissed off too that they "kicked me out"

anyways so about this new psychiatrist.. he is ok... we upped my prozac which is probably a really good thing so i can stop the st. johns wort--- and I HAVE TO because he gave me this new fangled medcicine that i have never heard of and now i will research as soon as i am done here..

anyways--- the short and sweet pamphlet on it said DO NOT TAKE IF TAKING ST JOHNS WORT

so i am waiting for it to get out of my system before i take this new stuff
its gonna be a few days more still..


also, i am not upping the prozac until the next refill which is half a month from now? so thats not even happening either




i need to make a to do list for tomorrow
monday was shit
today we slept in -- he was sick and i am mourning my pathetic life and general uselessness



so very close to my heart yall
im a little tricksy thing always have been

ok enough of this i need to research this medicine
and catch up on words with friends

sleep and shit
i guess this was my night of not sleeping

now i will sleep the rest of the week ALL DAY ERRY DAY FEELS GOOD MAN

until my meds start working???

oh yeah--- !!!!!
this psychiatrist got me a refferal to get my thyroid and glucose checked at a clinic so i might find out if this chronic fatigue shit is related to the thyroid problems that are pretty serious in my moms family...  oh god i will be so pissed if all i needed was fucking hormones
god damn shit i will be livid
god damn
but lets not get excited

haha we all know im batshit crazy and thats never gonna change

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Week end at my parents house

When Stan got off work Friday we packed up and went to my parents house for the weekend. We took miss lilly and Hercules with us so we didn't have to worry about the furrbabies.

Friday night mom made delicious beef stew in the crock pot. And sourdough bread. Was so good.

Saturday was Game day and I slept most of the day but I did stay awake for the Alabama game.
Stan made breakfast for every one which kept my mom from having to do it... Since she was going to have to cook so much for later.

And so for the game Mom made chicken wings... Some hot and some bbq (stan helped her with that I think haha)
Also delicious desserts that I am sad we didn't get left overs of.

I seriously slept all weekend. I dunno what is wrong. I feel very blank and also easily overwhelmed... But it's different than normal.

A quiet sadness has seeped up into my chest.. I'm not even sad. I have nothing to be sad about. It's a quiet stillness... Something I can't put my finger on. I don't know what it is.... I just feel..... Empty? Hallow? It doesn't hurt. I'm not crying at all.

If anything I am writing more... In a paper journal that I had and never used. It feels good to write and get things on paper. In a place that is not digital. No typing.

Plus There is just something special about seeing the handwriting that goes along with certain feelings or words or.... Thoughts.

My head is starting to hurt.

I am finally reading "House of Leaves"  by Mark z. Danielewski

Of course all of this is probably connected.

But no one is looking that close

Danielewski wrote another book that I have in my possession but... . I can't read it. For a lot of reasons.

I think I shall sleep now.
Sleep is so comforting.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

thursday night chillin

watching "The Riches" with my amazing man... Eating his amazing chicken and dumplings that he made...

gonna get a shower and pack up a little bit tonight
tomorrow i gotta clean out the kennel for us to take Miss Lilly with us to visit my parents this weekend.. since the Alabama game is here in town and its going to be a nightmare.

mom is making beef stew in the crock pot and doing chicken wings for the game.

took  a shower... and going to bed after one more episode of the The Riches

3am Thursday post

So... I wake up to take my meds in the middle of the night. Decide to go ahead and pee cause I would've just had to get up again later if I didn't.....
And I was so excited about doing my makeup a different color and seeing it done that I randomly put on make up in the middle of the night. I'm so weird.

Any way... Then miss Lilly decided to visit me in the bathroom and was all cute. So I decided to have a 3am play session with her. She is such a good hunter. I wish there were like... Kitty Olympics where they could compete at stuff like hunting... Jumping.... Obstacle course (aka carefully maneuvering through mommy's ceramic knick knacks with out nocking anything over)

Uh any way this is what my brain does... I think I feel a winter manic episode brewing... Maybe just hypo manic. The crisp winter air always has done strange things to my mind. After I get over the lack of sun light SAD slump.

Oh my I am having the biggest dejavu moment right now.

A lot of synchronicity and strange curious things have happened lately. Of course they always do between samhain and the end of the normal people Calendar.

Lol normal people calendar... Listen to me. I'm gonna be burned at the stake in the Bible belt if I'm not careful. Haha

I'm very excited about Yule this year because I get to properly celebrate it. And since (unfortunately Stan and I won't be going back to Kentucky for the holidays) we get to start our own Christmas traditions as a couple. I mean that is special and important to me.... I have never been in a relationship with some one and able to have the privacy a young couple needs to create their own memories of holidays to share together in the future...... Maybe I'm just being super cheery and romantic or something but I want to watch Christmas shit movies.  and bake cookies and drink hot chocolate. I want to decorate a tree properly. I want strings of lights every fucking where and I want holiday music. I want a wreath on the door and I am going to make one damn it. Not buy one. It's a good time to practice some simple magic also. So much to think about...

Anyways I had Originally wanted to make this short and sweet. Haha

Friday Stan and I are packing bags for the weekend and going to my parents house because Alabama is playing miss state this weekend in Tuscaloosa and we need to get out of here because all hell is going to break loose . 

Gives me time to see my dad... I am worried about him. He is showing his age quite rapidly all of a sudden...  I sat here the other day and tried to imagine what the hell I would do if anything happened to him. And just the thought of it.... I can't breathe. He has been my every thing for so long. Not just him but mom too. I have been so enmeshed with my parents all my life that I never was able to separate my self like a proper adult and I don't think I ever will. When they start to go down hill I most likely will need psych ward shit to cope. And I am ashamed of that.... But I have known ask along that it was coming some day. I'm lucky as hell to not ended up in a psych ward already... God knows I needed to be haha.

I really wish Stan would read this book "Madness"..  It's.. Kind of important. I'm not going to feel comfortable and relax until I'm sure he knows just how bat shit I am.  And what might possibly happen in the life of a bipolar person. Maybe I should look into one of those. ." when you love someone who is.... "books

Okay fuck this shit I need to go sleep. I have to clean house tomorrow for reals.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

So today  wasn't all that bad. I woke up and finished two bracelet orders that had been waiting....  I made soup on the stove  because the microwave shat itself a few days ago. And  nothing bad happened. Yay me. Or something.

I am a fat ass right now and it's driving me insane. I'm getting mom to bring the exercise machine here cause I can't exactly leave the house a lot to go be active. No gas money and...... Well, walking around our apartment complex is kind of dangerous. And makes me really nervous. And scared.

So I'm gonna watch Netflix And ride this indoor bicycle thing lol.... Yeah.  I dunno
Something has to change because I am fucking miserable with myself.
I'm tired of hearing how healthy I look and shit. I don't care I want to wear the clothes I have that I love good damn it.
So fuck this... Imma do it my way 

Anyways.  Old friends are coming to talk to me again and that makes me so very nostalgic and wtf.
It's okay I can handle it for one lol.

I need to sleep now so good night blogspot blogger whatever

Monday, November 10, 2014

Musical Monday

So despite feeling sick I went to band rehearsal anyways. I'm glad I did cause the girl paying 1st clarinet part apparently has this weird grudge against me. I guess she is intimated by me...  I never should have mentioned that I was studying music at troy. 
Lol its like high school band nerd drama or some shit....  Pretty amusing.

So anyways.. All day today I felt semi okay and I thought I would be okay to go. And I guess I was until I had to get dressed and had emotional breakdown because..... Nothing I tired to wear felt tight cause I'm a fucking fat ass........ 


When I got home after rehearsal I felt sorta okay and then all of a sudden I felt like I was dying. Like..... It was bad bad bad.

Stan is so amazing and kind and patient and I don't deserve him at all.  I really really don't.

I'm scared one day soon he will wake up and realize I'm a horrible person and leave.


Now it's almost 1am and I am awake because my stomach acid issue is.. Well it's an issue. Only solved with lots of med for it. 

I need to go and try to sleep now

Friday, November 7, 2014

so its friday

since i lost posted not much has happened.. at least not to me....

I feel so bad for stan and there is nothing i can do about it and it makes me feel helpless and useless and worthless.


i am constantly thinking i've done something wrong because, for me, that would mean i could fix something. but i havent, and there is nothing for me to fix.


my samsung galaxy media player that i've had for like.. three years? four? i dunno how long its been now...
wont get past the start up animation just gets hung up and does it over and over and over
i am livid because all the FUN THINGS I DO ARE ON THERE.
my cellphone, while being android, has pretty much NO internal storage and i cannot have any apps or games on it other than what is on there now. i uninstalled and reset to factory and turned off auto updates on a lot of shit that came on it so i could make it better but its still shit.

so there.

i am kind of miserable.

all my music was on there, id ont know if its backed up anywhere else--- it was supposed to be backed up at my parents house on a external hard drive but who the fuck knows if its still even there or working idek

today i am meeting mom at sams so i can get chicken nuggets in MASS
i love the bulk buying of that shit because we eat so much chicken


okay after shopping with mom we went out to eat and i got chinese food and it was great. also cigarettes. and then she took me to my car and i went to dollar tree and got a fuck ton of stuff
and came home

Stan came home and he stopped by and got chinese so he had some today tooo


Lost Girl is my show. for realz.

then we watched this random movie from the 1970s called "VirginWitch" and it was surprisingly good.... just like that other old movie i watched "The fuzzy pink nightgown"

need to watch more of this stuff. old cinema is the best.

tomorrow we are sleeping in --then doing some house work...
and going to my parents house tomorrow night for bonfire and grilling hamburgers and probably dice and drinking (well, i wont be but they willl)

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

its tuesdayyyy

so much has happened that my brain hurts

i dont even know what i last blogged about.
what i do know is that yesterday, on monday, Stan's car wouldnt start and it was my fault.
and so for all the trouble and the fact that i have to get meds this week too--  decided to not go to band rehearsal to save gas money.
nevermind me


then stan got to work and got bad news about his coworkers leaving the radio station. so now he is going to be one of the main people on shit and he probably wont get to go home for christmas for two years in a row now. and its his friends that are leaving so that makes it worse


then today i lost the apartment key at walmart because it fell off my keychains... the fob and key and all came off. they found it in the parking lot. its not bent and i can use it still, so here i am at home.

i am leaving out some pretty funny and also strange details here about the assistant manager of walmart and i having another weird moment of him kind of hitting on me but not really but he did kind of.

other stuff is happening but i dont think i want to talk about it right now

aaaaand i just had my first random note left on the porch/stoop asking for help with magic stuff

so i guess its common knowledge now??? lol

imma start charging for this shit ???? i dont know

Saturday, November 1, 2014

saturday morning recap for thursday-now

so on THURSDAY Stan called a shelter here in town and turns out they actually DO take guinea pigs-- so we had him all this time and had no idea. ffff. but its ok. he was a good little man. didnt poop or pee on me at all, even though he was terrified.
Stan got off work early on thursday so we could go by the shelter and drop him off.. i wanted to say good bye but Stan thought it might be easier if i didnt

so since he left early he had to go back to the radio station for something and I got to meet people and i was dressed like an absolutely FOOOL. i felt so stupid so so stupid.

Friday I was in pain a lot with my gastrointestinal BM issues or whatever
but i did dress up as a witch and hand out candy two 5 kids friday night!!!

i owned every part of this costume already except for the hat haha.

I have just taken Octobers journal entries out of my folder and archived them--- since i am doing a loose leave paper journal in binders ... gonna have once binder a year (after this year, i started in august lol) with twelve sections.... and a page or two for each day. with my meds, foods, what i planned to do, what i did what happened.

 i know now that my memory cannot be counted on to work later so i want to remember all of this special time i am having with Stan right now in this way so i cant forget how amazing he is to me... even if my memory goes, i will have this to look back on and read and maybe trigger the memories again

today we are supposed to go shopping for jeans and then meet my parents for dinner at Red Lobster around 5:30 ..... i am not looking forward to the shopping because i know i am like 5 sizes bigger i just KNOW IT.. but i am tired of wear the pants i have now.

i should probably stay up but i dont think i can

i guess i will sleep until noon

the end of october 2019

a lot has happened and i dont feel like talking about it, i have a lot of very bad feelings there is something in the works, but we are uns...