Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Middle of the night blog post

So yeah. It's Wednesday.. Err... Thursday now. I can't sleep again. Same shit different day. I didn't get time to blog during the day so why not catch up on it now!

We still have not found a home for the Guinea pig. And are starting to have to buy stuff for it that we had hoped we'd not have to buy because we hoped some one  would've taken him by now.

He is very precious. So very shy but he trusts me a lot because I have done the most with him.

So any ways....... Idek.

I made jewelry today!!! It was exciting. But......... I think I might have taken to long to get back in touch with jenna so I fear my hopes of having that as a regular thing might be gone and that is making me very sad. I dunno. 

I've been really depressed with the season change and shit. 

On Saturday Stan and I are going shopping for jeans and then meeting my parents for dinner..... Dad is working but he comes through town on the way home right at dinner time. So he is stopping and meeting us and mom and maybe even Gordon.. at red lobster for all you can eat shrimp.

Yum yum

So uh
Note to self : do not eat that cheese ever again.  It is the devil. I am in so much pain and that's part of why I can't sleep.  Cause I was  kinda sorta asleep but I guess my really?  Cause I woke up and Idek

I should try to sleep  now

Monday, October 27, 2014

band rehearsal today

and we still have a guinea pig


oh shit i forgot i started this entry and now its 10:30pm lololol

I practiced clarinet this morning, cleaned out the Guinepigs cage and took a nap and bathed and did my hair and went to band and band was AWESOME

Mr.Powell was directing and yay.

I asked the youngest clarinet player to play 2nd clarinet with me-- she is 14 and plays pretty much as good as i did my senior year of highschool. her entire family is musicians though and she has been playing since 5th grade and takes lesson, though. so that is pretty much the reason.... though i can tell you she is insanely talented. her mom is playing clarinet too. anyways... she was playing a solo i played in college (it was a pretty easy one though, i mean, they found easy stuff for me because of my anxiety... though i couldve played harder pieces if i had asked but they were trying to be easy on me)

it was so much fun playing with her though! its like playing with Lizzy in highschool... its always more fun to have someone goofy to play the same music part with.

plus having this girl playing second--- it balances out the clarinet section better because i dont play loud when i play by myself im too shy... but if she is playing with me we both play louder. and the two older ladies are playing third together-- and there one girl playing 1st clarinet (which is all they need realy cause the band is so small and higher notes are louder naturally)

i even sorta mentioned maybe getting together and playing duets or something just for fun and she seems interested. that would be so much fun. i havent played clarinet duets with anyone since highschool with Nicole.

I would need to get some pieces to play but that is ok, i could find things. or since her family is all musicians they probably have some. most musician families end up with their own little music library at home. i shouldve done that myself but i never really had enough solo and duet pieces to do it.. i mean, i KIND OF DO.. but not really

i havent had much to update about lately ... been feeling sick off and on and having bad panic attacks and migraines

i've been on st. johns wort for a week or so now.. maybe two? i dunno
i will have to check.
but i feel like it might be helping finally
which is good, but i also have being having weird pains and i was worried it might be my kidneys cause theres been a few times in my past that a certain combination of meds have gotten my kidneys hurting. and i start bruising too. but the bruising can be explained with the acetaminophen/ibuprofen and my SSRI depression meds interacting (for those of you who dont know, things that thin the blood and some of these medications make for very easy bruising in some people.... it probably doesnt help that ive never been one to take vitamins and i have never really had a well rounded diet over the years.. lol eating disorder issues etc etc)


i feel better i think

i am going to keep taking it for a while
unless something makes me want to stop. or feel like i need to.

anyways i think i will play words with friends and go to sleeeeep

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Slightly interesting Saturday

Well I thought today would just be another boring Saturday with maybe a trip to the grocery store. But this morning Stan was walking the dog and saw two cats chasing some thing and it ended up being a Guinea pig. No joke.

So we spent a while chasing the little guy through the woods. I was the one who ended up catching him. And now we have a Guinea pig that we do not want to keep lol but we just had to save it.  I mean the cats wouldn't have let it be until they caught it and ate it most likely.

I fell down the hill up to the wood area a few times and I am pretty sore.

Also now have a migraine to boot.....  Going to bed soon. No idea what is gonna happen to this little fellow but he sure is adorable

Friday, October 24, 2014


this weekend stan and i are staying home and doing what i hope is some good bonding

we have lots of food to cook here together and we can watch some movies

they just put the second HUNGER GAMES movie on Netflix so that is awesomeeee

i failed at this blog entry lol
gooodnight interwebs

Thursday, October 23, 2014

this is my later blog on thursday

so i slept like a rock wednesday night
woke up thursday and managed to be ready to go grocery shoppin by the time stan got home--- and i REALLY READY--- i was sitting outside when he pulled up, ready to go! i was so proud of myselfff

and we did that. epic grocery shopping. i think i actually have the receipt and i love sharing that shit idek why but i will post a picture of it later save-a-lot is the best grocery place. hands down. food is good quality and so very cheap.

stan was wonderful and made breakfast for dinner after we got back from the store and i had eggs with CHEESE which is a bad idea becase we have determined that everytime i eat this particular cheese in any large amount i will be in extreme pain for days and able to poop.
so i didnt want to drink laxative tea or anything tonight because id be up all night pooping
so i am in pain until tomorrowmorning when i get up and drink that and run to bathroom all day


but egg and cheese omelette mush thingy was so worth it

i passed and woke up just now at like 1:30am

going to sleep now
until morning

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

another day full of pain and misery

i was okay until i stepped outside

ever since then its just been varyinng degrees of pain in my head.. the forehead, eye sockets, behind my ears. the brow area... just pressure and pain... sometimes constant. sometimes throbbing.

i am going to take more of this generic DayQuil stuff or what the fuck every it is. i cant type hardly i i cant really focus on the screen and make my hand do the right thing at the tsame time
i have had to go back ad retype everything and now i am giving up and jut letting it go however it comes out

i am trying to eat something rrigth now but i think i am going to just close my eyes andlay here insread

i had so many projects i wants to do

i almost finished one of thembut i didnt becauses stan needed to cometo bed and i thought that was more imporant

the people (mostly kids actually) in our apartment complex buidng are fighting every day it seems like

i hate it and it makes me very sad

i posted this made tater tots and passed out before eating them wow...

or something

now stan is home and i am watching Marie Antoinette

 and eating cold tater tots

and now...
i am laying here in pain waiting for sleep to come and take it awaaaaayy

stan bought me sinus congestion pills so i have something to take every morning to hopefully stop this from happening every time i go outside or do anything

i am so tired of taking pills


i just realized that because of mental illness and such--- will take pills everyday until i die. every single day.
its like diabetes -- you dont get to take a day off from it.

i fucking hate it

i want to have a vacation from ME

i need to just embrace this all and go with it.. fighting it is going to make me have bad feels all the time

Monday, October 20, 2014

musical mondayyy

so i slept a lot today but i got up and went to band rehearsal this evening and it is AWESOMEEEEE

theres so many people this time and everybody is playing better and yayayayayaya

i am so excited

they even made copies of music for me to take home ---well most of it anyway, some of it was only passed out for a read through and taken back up because they werent sure we could play it so they didnt want to make copies so they passed out pieces of the original score... some good stuff!!!

my old band director said he could hear me playing this time which made me happy
i am not good at sight reading and most of what we are doing is sight reading right now
we arent really playing stuff more than once

tomorrow i am going to finish the turquoise peace sign necklace and work on some other longer necklaces that can be worn as really long-- or double up to look layered

i really need to get back into this shit. depressed or not.. this is what i am supposed to be doing damn it

Sunday, October 19, 2014


the pain and pressure in my head that i suppose is some kind of severe congestion or sinus allergy thing
oh god--- its bad bad bad...

like my entire left side of my head feels like its pulsating with pain. my jaw bone and my teeth even hurt, my cheekbones under there ..  behind my ear.. just.. every fucking where

the only thing that makes it tolerable is sleep and last night i couldnt even sleep no matter how much shit i took to make me sleep

it was just that bad

and this is on top of the not being able to breath panic attack thing that happens when i go out in public lately

jesus christ this is ridiculous i want to stop playing the game of life i am done this is not fucking fair


so anyways at some point i woke up to stan and it was late afternoon and time for food apparent. i ate and watched LostGirl and decided that if i didnt practice clarinet now i wouldnt get to before band tomorrow so i did it and passed out. awake now at 8pm
and i swear if its not my head or chest its my fucking stomach/bowels

stan is taking care of me so much it makes me feel like a fucking failure as a wife and its driving me insane

Saturday, October 18, 2014

friday was shitty today was ok but also shitty

so today (saturday) we went out to my parents house and watched the game and ate the shrimp boil fundraiser plates for the local volunteer fire department .... i went with mom to go get them at half time and it was a stand in line and wait thing and i started having what i can only assume was a panic attack... but its was worse than normal.. like... WAY WAY WAY WORSE than normal...
its like some weird new level of panic attack happening here lately-- because .. well, when it happens i cant breath. like i for real CANNOT BREATHE.  my chest is tight and i cant breath. this isnt my freaking out and breathing too much and shallow and too fast hyperventilating... its like-- it hurts and i cant take in enough air and i have to sit down

i say panic attack because i really do NOT want it to be some kind of asthma... that is not something i can afford... oh god i dont even want to think about it.. for fucks sake

and then my chest hurts on the inside from the GERD and acid reflux pain

i was out of breath almost anytime i had to get up and walk today
i wish i were joking
i couldnt breathe!
i dont know what the fucking hell is wrong and its makes me very mad

im also depressed and feel like nothing is worth getting out of bed and WELLL YOU KNOW MAYBE IM RIGHT I COULD PASS OUT RANDOMLY  ANYWHERE I GO AT THIS RATE

anyfucking way

i have a list of serious business projects to do next week that involved jewelry making

tomorrow i need to practice clarinet a bunch

i have to find a way to force myself to get up and live right now and that scares the hell out of me

Thursday, October 16, 2014

thursday =/

i just do not feel very well at all guys
i sleep and take meds and get it to to away for a bit and wake up and its back again
its like pressure in my head  and headache and i get the weird.. popping in the ears everytime i twist my neck or open and move my jawbone around..
also if i put pressure on the lumpy part behind my ear it seems to do something with the amount of pressure my head feels but i cant press on it all day i have shit to do

and just .. i am exhausted
like i have no energy
i dont like it at all

the meds we get to take for this interacts with my psych meds and i am loops ad knocked out or both

oh well
its not like i have anything to do anyways

i fell asleep like two different times today

went to walmart for my banana popsicles and they dont even have any =( =( =(

i ran into that assistant manager guy and i was feeling kind of blech. and he immediately asked me if i was ok. like i dont know.. i didnt think i was looking particularly unhappy... he asked about my purple velvet plant and said he still need to make little stakes in the pot and wire him up for support because his leaves are too heavy and big for him. i guess if you had them in the ground they would lay down on the ground and spread out that way instead of how we want them to grow vertically when they're in a pot indoors-- i told him what i learned from Jessy and also the FB page-- if you get it healthy and happy enough it will eventually FLOWER..... but the flowers STINK like.... NASTY FEET... apparently. isnt that funny??? ahaha apparently its pretty but smells so bad most people snatch up the buds before they bloom hahaha

stan is home now and came and in to bedroom and fell asleep-- i did too for a bit again.
i drank my "SMOOTH MOVE" tea cause i felt.. ehh ALSO echinacea tea for immune systemmmm

but anyways
and now i am running to the bathroom all the time ahaha oh well

so i might have a chance to do stuff for sororities here at the college like.. jewelry in their colors or whatever. good money making potential. though the bracelets and such they are wanting are so basic i dont see why the cant make their own... arent they always doing crafts and shit i know i see them in the arts and crafts section getting stuff for something or another EVERY SINGLE TIME IM IN THERE... and i know they are sorority girls cause THEY ARE ALL DRESSED THE SAME.. and usually have shirts that say something about their house or whatever...
its just easy to pick out the sheep cookie cutter girls and they are signing up for it and its kind of sad


 im sure they are too busy being mindless greek sheep to sit down and make anything that takes time and make it over and over again.. they just PAY OTHERS TO DO IT
cool and shit
i told stan that he needs to let the first girl who bought something know i cut her a deal--- i am not gonna under sell my shit to some spoiled bitch spending mommy and daddys money on bracelets they might wear once but apparently need.. i will take advantage of them. i do not care. they are stupid

i keep forgetting to tell mom that Stan wants to make homemade donuts saturday and show her how so she can do it.... i love that my family and my boyfriend can do these things... mom and stan can cook and dad and i can do nerdy electronic or tinker things.

my relationship with my dad has gotten so much better
and mom
they dont have me constantly on them asking if they are upset so they get to relax
i am such a worry wort.
i need to find a way to stop it but its so ingrained in my head i dont.. i dont know blah

i see that new other psychiatrist in November...i am not looking forward to it.. i do not handle change well
the losing Lisa as a therapist has kept me from seeking out therapy help and i am struggling because of it
i guess i will talk to the mind shrinker about that and see what he thinks

of course now i keep thinking that all this at IndianRivers is going to end when we get married and I have real health insurance
i dont know when its going to happen but we have talked about it a lot kind of
i think we want to stay separate to keep my food stamps for a while
then theres that whole... possible house thing .. i dunno blaahhh
it would be fun to have room for another kitty or puppy???  or more windowsills and such for plants!!! i love my plant babys!!

i havent been doing much photos late on instagram... i dunnno why just not feeling like taking them lots of interesting stuff to show the interbuttz but no want to shareee lolol

except for now that ive thought about it guess i willlll


not sure whats happening tonight yet i think Stan might sleep straight until morning... 
he didnt even change out of work clothes. =(

he had a very strange dream the other night and his dream are... special... so i am expecting something to happen along the lines of it.. somewhere. in the world...ive been keeping an eye on  the earthwatcherEarthChanges news feeds i have set up ... lots of earthquakes.. around 4-5 mag... we are in the eclipse portal... i dont think it will happen unless the Sun ALSO sends out a super huge CME our way ....

ok i just checked and this is interesting ... i will definitely be keeping an eye on this ahhh

i guess i will go get some ice cream cause yeah 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Wed nes hump dayyy

my not sleeping through the night is starting to bother Stan and that makes me very very worried because i am bipolar and sleeping through the night is probably not gonna happen unless they over medicate me ok and thats not gonna happen i refuse to take that shit


Tuesday my parents surprised me by coming to see me but I wasnt expecting it-- obviously-- but we managed to have a wonderful time. Food, browsing the thrift stores and what not. I was telling Stan just the other day about how... "dont care what your parents think, love who you want to love thing" didnt work for me deep inside because ... i really do want my parents to enjoy and have a relationship with whomever i end up with--because we become a family.. and so... i realized that the people i had tried to settle down with in the past would have never been ok... i would have always felt like something was wrong... because no one before Stan really clicked with my parents. and i mean, i wouldnt care what my parents think if they were overbearing or controlling-- but they arent. they and happy people and want me to be happy and we always get along pretty good and i needed someone who continued that feeling instead of making me feel separated from them.

i am back to using Evernote to sync between computer and android phone device and i think this will help my ability to concentrate one tasks that i need to get done--- i can set reminders and alarms with details about stuff that isnt possible with the simple alarm clock thing i have for my other (medication) alarms

got a good start this morning,

i have jewelry orders to make so thats fun

one of the interns at the radio station is in a sorority and.... well sorority girls have money and like custom shit with their colors and and what not so this works well for me. and its some stuff i like making so far--- braided bracelets in three colors

KIND of scared i might end up with a bulk order for... say.. a piece that is identical and there like 50 of them and its gift thats given to everybody at once or something at a function or what not... i know these things happen.. -- this is a smaller house though so i might be able to handle it

i WILL handle it. i ASKED the the higher powers to TRIPLE MY SALES when i last did a prosperity/abundance thing (bloodmoon lunar eclipse event). i was very specific. so i kind of stuck my foot in my mouth i think hahaha. we SHALL SEE.

this is probably gonna be my spell work making bank manifesting
ok well that is not a probably its a definitely


make a bracelet fell asleep and feel sick

my head hurts so baddd

i swear just as soon as i get to feeling better something messes it up again

stan is doing that whole worrying and taking care of me thing and it makes me feel weird
i dont deserve it at all and i dont like it

i cant make my head stop hurting
i dont know what to do

its not a migraine hurt
but its annoying as hell and makes me want to sleep

i feel badddd stan is too nice too me i dont deserve it why am i here i dont know i feel worthless =(

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


i slept wayyyy too late. but i needed it really bad so its ok.

i had a hard time waking up but i am ok now

and i want to get on with some house work

washing the bed sheet and my blankey and some towels
and running the dishwasher

we need a few things for the house so i will use the gas money mom gave me for band and helping her to get that and hope stan will pay me back.

we need dish washing pod thing -- and dish detergent
i know the detergent is $1 -----

i also need cat litter
trying to do a sweep of the house real quick so i can figure out what to do

popsicles would be nice but i am not gonna push it until i check my balance again it was $17 last i checked hahaha


wow my mom has really gotten good at throwing random shit at me hahaha not bad stuff! just like i had no idea they were coming here

but anywayyyyy
i went to dollar tree and got off brand Febreeze and a cleaning spray that kills e coli and and staph and all that jazz cause its important ok thanks
and i got..the dawn dish stuff

and then i met my parents for lunch at Logans . the food was horrible but it was good at same time? i was super hungry!

we went to the thrift store... and mom got me this awesome purse .. and stan bought me a skirt that will match most of the solid tanks and sweaters and such i have in my fall wardrobe

then we went to dirt cheap and i got a bra which was very very much needed and we are going to get another one since they are really really good bras like... mademoiselle and such from like... department stores... and they are only $3

i went to walmart to get some stuff-- and almost passed out again

its really fucking annoying and i hate it
i have started eating food in the store and paying when i get to register
i dont know what else to do

its that or pass out

so whatever

i came home and i thought i was going to be too exhausted to do anything but now i am wide awake and im trying to do some stuff if i can without being to loud

here are some random photos

yeah i have found the secret to youth
this shit is good for you
skin be all like.... smooooooooth and soft and shit

i want to sleep but im not sleepy this sucks i hate ittt ahhhh

Monday, October 13, 2014

should be MAGICAL MUSICAL MONDAY but nooooo... fucking storms and shittt

so now i dont have band practice tonight and i am sad and have nothing to dooooo

these storm systems are getting intense... just like i said they would
like... four years ago

just saying


i laid out some chicken for stan to cook (if we have power?) i dont know how often the power goes down in the city.. apparently not very often though

however its mercury retrograde and we all know what that means lololol

i already have candles in position

just waiting

stan is home nowwwww


its almost 10 pm the line has come through it was super windy and awesomeeeee

we didnt lose power or anything lol... i didnt think we would... city life is weirdd

i am fighting my sleep and being angry at my new phone because i didnt get an SD card for storage yet and fml i want too many appssss god damn it

but i crash now

ps: Stan is amazing and i love him and he is amazing and awesome and i love him .

Sunday, October 12, 2014

so today is sundae

i am eating iceceam
watching disney movies

and practicing clarinet

and doodling

and being mopey about my computer


so fuck my life

because of some fucking stupid instability in the ChromeOS while trying to rotate pictures .... well, it locked up and crashed. and not all my files i had saved locally are gone. EVERYTHING

i saved locally because i dont trust the cloud drive completely

an here we go


well ya ding bat--- the super awesome 200 GB of storage deal I got when turning this fucker on for the first time expires after two years, which leaves me with the 15 GB of local storage any fucking way SO THATS WHY YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKING BITCH

why rely on something that isnt definitely gonna be there

what pisses me off the most is i dont even remember what the fuck i had saved on here!

Saturday, October 11, 2014

totes took this gameday saturday off lol

we usually go to my parents house for games
and food
and stuff

but i just was not feeling it today

and not only that-- the OTHER thing we planned to do-- which was stay on this side of town and go to the awesome DirtCheap and maybe the ThriftStore--- that didnt happen either

i was just... not feeling it

lots of pain last night and this morning from stomach and bowel movement issues

i woke up around 10am and went back to sleep at noon and slept until 4pm



now i am in the bedroom and watching Sword in the Stone, then Cinderella, and Beauty and the Beast

love love love these

we need to get Alice in Wonderland

Pocahontas is on netflix so thats taken care of

im eating ramen and canned chicken and mushrooms
i feel really good so i might take a break between Sword in the Stone and Cinderella and practice clarinet because i really need to stay on my game and i have reherasal again monday nighttttttt

Friday, October 10, 2014

t g eye ffffffffffff mothafffff

We went to bed so early last night that I woke up at 3 am ready to be awake. ahhhhh

i ate some apple sauce and looked at random blogs online and went back to bed.
my dad works this weekend so....idk what is going on with my weekly family thing.

stan left early this morning. or well, not really but... i couldnt get out of bed in time. sometimes when i get enough sleep and then try to sleep more i get into this deep hypnotic sleep that i have a really really hard time pulling out of... like... its like i am coming out of the ocean in clothing that is heavy clothes that are wet and i am being held back by the weight

ooooh i was all descriptive and shit 

i want to do something today but i dont know what... i think i should just stay here and do laundry and dishes and call my mom and practice clarinet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pffft every single time i make a list to do shit somebody gets in the wayyyy

today my mom txted me and i called her back and she told me that my dad demands that they uy me a new cell phone because he couldnt fix that other one.
i told him it was fine. i dont want to be selfish like my brother and he knows that.... which is why he did it for me anyway
which is going to make gordon mad again because he always thought and thinks that they love me more....  im just waiting for him to use this against me somehow lololooolololol

so i got the ZTE Compel.... or whatetever

i want to sleeeeeeeeeeeppp ok thanks

Thursday, October 9, 2014


I am so very worried about Stan-- he is not sleeping good and has so much stress at work.

I think he needs to drink some sleepytime tea with me at night. i would suggest the calming yogi tea on top of it but it has cinnamon. but the sleepytime tea is more for sleep anyways.

i feel so bad every time he has bad time at work because i cant make it better.
i want to make everything better.

and when i cant help me it makes me feel like a failure but.. i know sometimes its beyond my control completely and... the letting it go is just so very hard for me.

today i washed a load of laundry and now its in the dryer. i filled the sink up with steaming hot water and a bit of bleach and detergent and sanitized some cleaning brushes and sponges and scrubbers ...

i will take out garbage later

i feel very into playing music lately
and drawing
i wish i could draw better
but i can to black and white ink doodles and designs just nothing... you know... nothing like sketching and what not

okay so... i ran to the store and got some stuff
stan brought home chicken and it was delicious

we watched LostGirl and now we are watching a documentary on raccoons.. THEY ARE SO ADORABLE OH MY GOD

i am so exhaustedddd
we are going to bed early because we are old people now ok thanks

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

ok i am so glad i looked at ello today- also hi wednesday



my boyfriend has a really hard day today =(
i feel bad because i cannot make it better. it is work things.
except for that maybe me not sleeping last night kept him from sleeping as well as he could have. which makes me sad. but i had things i needed to do. it was a magical night. literally. irl.

i am going to take a shower

full moon shower!!!

and i am going to the store for bread and something special for my boyfriend

holy mess i am tired

i only slept like. 3 hours last night.
imma take a power cat nap right quick
stan is getting home around 6.. if i get up at 3:30 and g----

scratch all that... i dozed off and on for ages, then i woke up right as stan was about to get off work to go to the store and get the stuff we needed (and some yummys to make his day better because he he had the most awful day at work everrr)

yeah i fail

this entry never got finished

booo oh welll on to thursdayyyy

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

tuesday snooze day hahaha, i wish..

EVERYTIME i start a project of any kind a bunch of stuff cockblocks me. I havent got pictures of stans peppers in days and I dont remember how many days I skipped (though I will figure it out and just... yeah)

I also had a "blog everyday" personal project for my dot com url blog thing and i just cannot always make the time-- i mean, i almost always do. but i have that all or nothing thing going on and i feel like a failure if i miss a day.


its ok though. im gonna drink lots of calming tea and sort through my winter clothes that i got from my parents house to bring to the apartment cause you know, i live here now. water my plant babies. gotta go to the post office today =/
. god damn it.. i guess i will have to get that stuff done first cause its the most important. gaaaah.

ok i am back and i took way longer and spent more money than i planned but I GOT A TABLE FOR THE PORCH AND I LOVE IT AND I CAN HAS A PLANT AND AN ASHTRAY AND YAY

also the assistant manager of tuscaloosa walmart and i seem to be developing some kind of weird friendship that is verging on almost creepy but i am not gonna stop talking to him cause who knows? maybe i can get a job someday? i dunno. or get my brother a job. or someone else i know who needs one a job. connections are good to have.


Blood Moon Eclipse?

I have had a ridiculous amount of synchronicities lined up in my personal little... Tabitha-sphere where certain numbers and things are important.. anywayyyy.... they started pretty much just after Mercury went into retrograde... this is going to be interesting. I was scared and I STILL AM, butttt..
I am going to look at the positive.

However--.. Like I said I had bad feelings about these few weeks we are in with so much astrological stuff going on...

and on the way home last night from concert band rehearsal we noticed about 4 cop cars and tons of people gathered around the apartment complex across the way here... Apparently someone shot into someones apartment.. drive by shooting or whatnot..
Im not entirely sure. they are keeping details hush-hush right now... but I will know soon, I'm sure.
Im not surprised.. three weeks ago I saw death/bad happening omens while walking the dog.. I just kept it to myself mostly.. I think I told my stan. oh well.. sigh

now i go back to the other bedroom where i will sit near my altar and study and... try to get something good done.

aha its now 10:10 
and i have a good spell chant worked up and i am wide eyed and going to try and be up for it....

aaaaand now its 12:30 and i am awakeeeee and omgso excited

its 2am imm post this up and get my game face on

Monday, October 6, 2014

musical monday!!!!

Band rehearsal for me starts back up tonight!!!!!


i am so exciiiitedddd

you have no idea how much this means.... like.. no idea at alllll

ok so.. a lot of stuff is going down very fast.
there a lot of energy pooling up for the Blood Moon on wednesday and the Lunar Eclipse..its hard to keep track of everything but i have to try so i can look over the notes later and see all the connections between events and things that are all happening since the start of the mercury retrograde

its going to be a bumpy ride but i feel more prepared for it now that i have myself and what i need this week sorted.

getting my meds this evening on the way to band is going to relieve a lot of anxiety that has been pressing on my subconscious

ok so there was a wreck and stan didnt trust me to drive myself so he drove me to practice and got my meds while i was rehearsing because it took too long to get around the wreck and there wasnt time before. and the pharmacy was closed after rehearsal
so thank you stan for that

i have decided not to stress out about forgetting to blog every now and then.... And with that i bid yiu goodnight i am in bed and i will post about monday rehearsal when i wake up and have time on tuesday

Sunday, October 5, 2014


oh wow so okay.
yesterday with my family was amazing
and i was so excited and tired no blogging happened after i left the house yesterday

... and today i did a bunch of stuff and fell asleep lol

i woke up and miss lilly had no food so i went to store and got distracted again
as usual
so i took a long time there
came home and fed her

then i ate lunch myself-- ramen and mushrooms

then i practiced clarinet and i sound awesome as usual

i haven't played a note sine MAY so i have like... no endurance at all lol
i can play awesome... for 20 mins

thats about it hahahhaa
but it will get better with time

after that i did some chores
and i fell asleep for  a few hours

now i am here trying to catch this up

i have to get my meds on the way to practice tomorrow which means i am gonna need to leave before 6pm. but just slightly.. like 5:45.. i dont know about traffic and i have to drive pretty far for band rehearsal and the walmart is about 5 miles out of the way so.. yeah

hopefully the line at the pharmacy wont be long
and then i can high tail to TCHS for rehearsal

i slept so good last night and tonight. like stupid ridiculously good
i am going to eat a tiny bit and go back to sleep and take advantage of this


awake again for a bit

just realized this---

Its that time of year again----------- time to stock up on cat ears. I never know when I am going to get that feeling and i have none right now (no idea what happened to the past ones i had. sigh.) , and they will be affordable. Eventually I will make my own, but right now is not the time =/ TOO MANY PROJECTS GOING AT ONE TIMEEEE.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

october 4th --- game day cook out with the family -- mercury retrograde begins today

i couldnt sleep last night at all.
i felt sick yesterday

and last  night i have so many things come into my awareness that involved synchronicity and stan and me and the eclipse coming up.. AND THAT WAS BEFORE I REMEMBERED THE MERCURY RETROGRADE

we have a huge cluster fuck of stuff and the energy level is rising so fast i cant get my brain to shut down..

i say here in bed fidgeting... wiggling my toes for what seems like hours... just trying to get rid of some of the energy but not start up the whole exercise thing cause it would be counter productive for me (give the time of day and that i want to sleep... doesnt work like thar for me)

so anyways i had like 3 hours of sleep

i am getting in  the shower

(edit: didnt get back to this post and gonna start one for sunday now lol)

Friday, October 3, 2014


it stormed a good one last night. finally.

right now i am forcing myself to eat something (swallowing isnt very pleasant right now with my throat and neck and what not hurting) so i can take this allergy sinus pill thing i have. I ran out of one of them. But I have this other one..

I am a horrible person. I try to tell people this up front and they never believe me.
then they are shocked later on. like wtf i told you...

i dont get it.

but whatever.

lets move on.

i have a lot of mental beating myself up to do today but while i get on with that i want to try and do something productive too. gonna take this box of styrofoam and random shit to the garbage can. p i need to put the stuff in the dishwasher and see if its enough to run it.. or just hand wash the stuff we are low on. WE HAVE ONE BOWL. IT IS THE ALL POWERFUL AMAZING BOWL. IT IS SACRED AND DESERVES OUR RESPECT.


\i am already feeling a bit better.emotionally

but i am sicker today than yesterday
the left side of my face feels like a swollen hot mess blob. its not visibly swollen very much but te sensation of it being that way is there. its very tender and i dont like swallowing foods.

im drinking another batch of double bagged tea... gypsy cold care and yogi calming tea.☕
pretty sure the gypsy cold care has herbal stuff for fever in it so i am not going to take ibuprofen unless fever stays up after its in my system. and then its good that i got a low dose ibuprofen so it less stress on the liver and kidneys.. which can be an issue when combining herbal remedies with what we do now a days... thats why its good to go either one route or the other. .... im trying this first.
if this stuff works for me i might go to Manna grocery and seek out ingredients for stuff i could make myself cheaper or something. it would be fun... to do that kind of thing.. herbalism... and whatnot

uh ok i gotta drink  this tea now

i also have to clean the litter box because oh my god it is rancid
i am so exhausted already mt face is hot and my eyes feel swollen
but if i do it now its done and i can rest


hours later

im in bed and i dont care or have the energy to talk about what happened in tooo much detail

we watched LOST GIRL so awesome so awesome and synchronicity tooo because Stan is Trick and we watched the Blood Moon episode and the blood moon happen next week and i have been telling stan we need to figure out what to do for spell work its getting to crunch time and hahahahaha so much synchronicity  πŸ’‰πŸŒ•

there was peanut butter and chocolate and powdered sugar involved πŸ˜€

tomorrow we visit my parents for game day cook out and stuff🏈

aaaand i am going to hopefully bring back a pot for my new 🌿 plant that i am in love withhhh

you have to meet him... i need to get some proper pictures.... he is wonderful!!!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

thursdayyyyyyyy ...

going shopping for stuff to make something to eat on SATURDAY when we go to my parents house for cook out and game watching and such.

...... ok i get exhausted and waited until not to go shopping.. its 4pm. oh well


so we are making this stuff with chex mix that has the cereal coated in milk chocolate almond bark and peanut butter and confectioners sugar and yeah...just pure awesome.

and taking that to the game saturday.

tonight i am too full to eat anything really which is sad face things

i have a huge knot the size of a grape on the gland under my chin/ on my neck on the left side.. i guess its that lymph node gland thing again???
 it hurts pretty bad. its very tender and i keep pressing on it like a DUMB ASS
cause you know thats what i do

here is stans peppers that a co-worker gave him. they are lovely and i am going to take a photo every day until he takes them down. this is the second photo though.. i took one yesterday... but.. i didnt post it here...

i want to do more art journaling and maybe even write some poetry  again... i know its kind of scary... i am scared of trying to write i dont know what might come out ... i went to some dark places the end of 2013 start of 2014... up until i met stan. and well, i know darkness is good to draw on sometimes buts i dont know i want to stirr up those feelings. they need to rest

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

so uh, i didnt plan this at all--but WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

and its pretty cool

but i woke up today

after sleeping and being depressed for a while

and i feel a lot better


now that ive made that joke somewhere i can move on with my day.

dont judge me

so i am going to take a shower because you have no idea how nasty my hair is right now. there arent words for it.

and then uh
i need to vacuum
and eat something maybe
drink some delicious tea
and work on this turquoise ombre rosary style chain link asymmetrical peace sign necklace. yep. SO DESCRIPTIVE RIGHT

i just keep fucking shit up

so i am just gonna sit back and be quiet and leave everyone alone and not talk for a while

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...