Tuesday, September 30, 2014


taking another day of rest.

not sure

sleep is the only thing

i probably never going to the library.


friday the night my grad class was gonna go to a football game and i cant get there because i have no gas money let alone ticket money or parking money

so thats fucked

and now stan doesnt want to visit with my parents on saturday for the game
so i really am gonna be stuck here for a long time
my outing to get supplies for the house this evening was my last taste of freedom

its ok though
i have a lot of sleep i can do
i dont really know what i feel anymore

i am sad
i want my jewelry to sell and nobody will buy it and i want to give up and i cant get a job either so what the hell

i just want to quit life for a while
like not die just.. not be here or anywhere for a few weeks
until time has passed and something happens? i dont know
sleep is the only thing

Monday, September 29, 2014

not the best start to a week

which is ok i am not exactly feeling that great either
i think i might need to adjust my melatonin dose if i am going to drink the sleepytime and the calming yogi tea... lol

holy mess i am crashing already and its not even 10am ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

i think herc is ok

i need caffeine
i was just taking one pill a day here lately and ive ran out finally

i am feel like a fat ass and i dont know what to do

my head is killing me today but its no where NEAR as bad as i was a few days ago...

it was pretty tolerable until i took Herc outside to pee just now... its like getting hit in the face with a door or something...  the outside air and allergens or whatever... like a smack in the head..

i am so not excited about much of anything anymore.

i either feel too sick to make jewelry or have other obligations with chores or people or pets or family or idek... so i cam not getting any work done hardly
and its not like i feel the am feeling too excited about making shit right now--- nothing is selling and i feel like a worthless piece of SHIT.

like all day every day

just a worthless useless piece of crap

and i dont want to go back to work at some shit job that is going to drive my anxiety over the top i dont even know if i could make it through a week i feel so worthless why am i ever here

ok just fuck it i am gonna comb my hair and watch tv and cry bbl

ok i feel better

im watching Witches of East End

Sunday, September 28, 2014

sundaysunday sundae???

ok so today is for tying up loose ends i guess???

getting laundry done.. Stan went through a box of stuff... he also washed the dishes from yesterday and now I feel bad because he did stuff on his day off =( =( i feel bad bad bad damn it

stan hung up all those peppers his coworker had given him to dry before he starts his project
making sauce and oils and whatever idek its gonna be awesome. it looks awesome i should take good photos with my good camera =3

yep definitely a tying up loose ends day.. the

kind of disappointing though... it got all cloudy for rain and my empathic nature just took hold and i feel so drained and tired and and sad and like something is wrong??

and NOW the system has shifted and we might not get rain at all
but its dreary as hell and i want to curl up in bed and boooo

i need to make real food and stop worrying about shit so much i think

ok stan got me to watch the Dracula with Keanu Reeves and Winona Rider in it lmao woooooowwww thats. just wow WTFFFF

Stan did so much house worse today that I am feeling kind of sad and mad at myself because I didnt do it before him??? i dont know... some of it was his personal project stuff though... so... I guess. I dunno... I just feel bad. it makes me feel like a bad person. I should be the one doing all the cleaning and and organizing and then sometimes i get tired of it and ask someone to do it for a little bit and the guilt is so overwhelming. like... i feel guilty that i am not doing it myself... i dont know.. my head is all kinds of fucked up. we all know that. so.. same shit different day

i have been drinking Celestial Seasoning Sleepytime tea, and Yogi "Calming" tea... at same time. double baggin.
also taking one dissolvable melatonin and one that releases later in system..
i have been sleeping like a real person lately

i dont know how to explain this

i dont think i was really sleeping.. for like... months at a time.. not this kind of sleep.
this is real sleep. i have dreams and i remember them when i wake up and i feel rested when i get to sleep instead of just half ass... whatever

i am pretty sure there is something wrong with my brain and its transitions in consciousness .... as i jerk awake in convulsions when i am tired and falling asleep.. something has got me programmed to fight my sleep every single night and i dont know what it is... its a chemical in there somewhere i guess.. and it needs to be switched the other way

whatever whatever

i am going to bed now i think goodnight

Saturday, September 27, 2014

uh its saturday night and stuff

I drank two bags of Yogi's "calming" tea last night and slept all night until ALMOST NOON and woke up long enough today to eat PANCAKESSSSS for lunch

then i fell asleep 3/4ths of the way through watching MeanGirls (watching it because they are taking it off Netflix again soon and I wanted to get it in one more time)

and i slept until almost 5

at which point i had to get up because stan was worried i guess?
i got dressed and we decided on dinner, i went to the store for some groceries. and his check engine light was on and i didnt know if he knew or if it was urgent so i freaked out and tried calling him only his phone was in the bedroom and he was in kitchen cooking so.. i called 30 times and got no answer and left a few messages that i am not proud of and well long story short i gave up and got groceries and drove home and he didnt even realize i had called until was sitting in the car parked outside and he called me... i think almost an hour had passed??


i just know now that.. if i have an emergency in the future it might be best to call mom. you know, when its like suuuper important. cause if this was something urgent today id have been FUCKED

so anywayyyyyy

i came home and ate (delicious chicken and corn and green beans) and also managed to have a few more horrible accidents that made me go WTF WTF WTF
so now i am back in bed and hoping i can start over again tomorrow with better luck


not my best dayyyy

this happens a lot now though

maybe i just ran out of luck again for a while
i mean, i ran out last winter and it was gone until march of this year? i was doing good but here lately its been pretty shit

it comes in spells though

no literally it does



i so funny

Friday, September 26, 2014

TGIF --- and its Jennaration's grand opening day

which i will be attending

so i have to get my ass in the shower ASAP LOL

ok i had a panic attack or two and went to Jennas shop an hour or so late.. he said there were like... 40 people there waiting at 10 am to get in

i talked to her for a bit but it was really calm and i missed the fun so.. boo

she was glad to see me though

i am gonna send her pictures of stuff i make and she will yay or nay on it and that will be that

i went to grocery store and got some new calimg and relaxing tea and
i came home and now i am crashing and can barely type

aaaand i passed out and woke up choking on stomach acid yaaaaaaay GERD and acid reflux
wooo hoo

so much damn hate


ok now stan is home and i am going to make soup and watch lost girl and idk

i had a brief hypo manic fit of some sort (which was fun for a bit, i got to jump up and down and dance and make some noise and giggle and hoot and holler and what not) well, that that ended in me throwing things around the bedroom (just pillows and blankets on the bed haphazardly.. but theres a fine line there i walk) kinda sorta when i realized i had misplaced something really important. AGAIN... ... i completely LOST my medicine case for today. like its. GONE.
my meds for tonight.. i have to skip because i cant find it... and tomorrow we are going to go try and find a new pill case with morning noon and night slots cause this one.. well, the letters are coming off and i cant tell what day is what.. and its bothering me

but since i misplace these kinds of things EVER FIVE MINUTES ALL DAY EVERY DAY
(i wish i were joking.. its really bad... my memory is... i dont have a short term memory. i have to write everything down...it makes me really sad. and it makes me really MAD and it makes me want to break things when i lose stuff over and over and over and over again in the SAME FUCKIN DAY)

its like why even get out of fucking bed im just gonna fuck up

i need real meds and real doctors and i dont know

its not gonna happen
i just dont ever see it happening for me
it would be too good a thing and i cant have that now, can i?

have i mentioned that i am seeing stuff more often now... like... shadowy figures... i keep thinking theres a presence in the room and it scares me.. or i will see something and look again and its not there
i have gotten to where i just dont pay attention cause i know its not there but sometimes it still catches me off guard

the veil between the worlds is getting thinner the closer we get to Samhain

my health is pretty shitty lately
for lots of reasons that i dont even want to talk about

ok i think i am falling asleep now yayaya goodnight

Thursday, September 25, 2014

its thursday and apple spice yogurt is my fave atm

of course this only last until i realize i love rice pudding more than life itself and there you go


i have today to relax-- plan my outfit and what to take and how to approach the grand opening of Jenna's store i am attending tomorrow. i GOTTA GO. some of my stuff is gonna be there. and i will wear some of my better stuff and have business cards and its just going to be a really prime time to make connections and get clients and my spell should start working now since its the new moon and waxing and thats the time frame i shot for ... ~*its all happening*~
i didnt even realize it was all gonna line up when i did it
thats what makes it so magical and special
because i dont intend dates and things to coincide they just DO somehow
and that is how i know...


i am going to dollar tree today and i kind of want to go to the library but no..

well maybe

i dunno

but definitely dollar tree for the halloweens and whatnots
they have tapioca pudding there for cheap and its good and so i get it there

oh my god i got so much stufffff

i vacuumed as soon as i got home.. or tried to.. but the vacuum is acting weird.. it smells like burning and i dont wanna ruin it so i stopped until stan could look at it before i accidentally break it and we have to get a new one

i will have to take a picture of the porch once im done decorating =X

ok so i am done decorating but i am getting a migraine so i am eating a watching tv until i know what is gonna happen

watching Skins UK because i am trying to get back into watching it and its getting really good and omg omg omg

oooh this strand of beads that do that ombre shade shift thing are awesome looking with this turquoise peace sign pendant.. i have a lot of pics to take and upload today ahhaha

feel really sick

gonna curl up in bed and hope i feel better for tomorrow

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

another damn humpday

going to pick my mom up while her car is getting fixed and probably go grocery shopping

either with her or after i drop her off again, i dunno.

i gotta get dressed i took a shower and i am running out of time to ger readyyyy

i miss mr.puddles already but i dont think i couldve handled taking care of a puppy that young, he was too needy and i am not fit for motherhood at all apparently. =(


soooo i picked up mom and gordon was with her and we went to sonic and got foods and then went back to the car place.... and after that i went grocery shopping and it was awesome

i spent too much

stan baked cookies and they are delicious but i am eating the last one now and it hurts so so so bad... but he wants me to eat it so i am gonna eat it

aaah so Jo's man, Mark got me into "Ello"

my chest is hurting so bad right now

i dont even know

i has so many hopes for what to do when i stayed up late but now i just want to sleep and not be in severe pain

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

its tuesdayyyy..... and the puppy is gone now

mom and dad took the puppy and found someone out in the country to take him. we just hope they are good people.

i slept on the floor in the office last night and i am sore as fuck. so sore and bruised up from it. i bruise way too easy. but my meds might have something to do with that. and that  have been taking a lot of ibuprofen and acetaminophen and allergy and sinus medicine. lol long story short i am probably killing myliver? or some other really important body function thing. oh well lol same shit different day. been through this many times. probably wont be the last.

im frustrated though. i eat a lot... more than i should sometimes. and i even though i am 5-10 pounds heavier than i want to be.... i still physically feel like i am wore out from starving myself. like my body isnt getting the nutrients right... just storing fat. i probable need to start taking a womens multivitamin
or a vitamin period. which is something i have failed to do 90% of my life. okay more like 98% of my life

ive had trouble keeping food down lately... it hurts and it comes back up a lot. i have to make sure all my food is chewed to baby food status... so much of the things i eat are mushy and already halfway there. i cant really eat bulky solid food without taking 2 to 3 times longer than everybody else to eat it because it have to chew and drink water and chew and more and yeah... its horrible

its almost like.. why not put everything in a blended and drink it
or why not live off of ensure for vitamins and eat pudding and jello and shit to fill up the empty belly hunger. just get full. and get the vitamins from meal supplement things

i dont know

i am just tired of fighting with my esophagus every time i have to eat a meal. every. single. time.
i dont get to take a day off from it. its like the bipolar and anxiety. there is no "day off"

the eating disorder is easier now though.. its still there. but its not the worst thing im dealing with right now.. im trying really REALLY hard not to let my esophagus trouble tempt me into starving myself again. its really tempting. but i know i wont be able to function if i do that... and i since i met Stan.... well

i kind of want to live a little bit longer than i used to.

like, a lot longer.

i want to be with im and take care of him and that means i have to take care of myself now or i wont be there to do if for him when he needs me.

so thats life

i am going to pass out now

picking my mom up at 1:45 pm tomorrow
while her car is getting fixed?\
and then we will probably go to sams or something
i gotta go grocery shopping on my own after i drop her back off when the car is ready

so exhausted

Jenna's boutique opens friday and my jewelry should be in there somewhere so i wanna go plus i support her because.. we went to school together and she has worked her ass off to live out her dreams and make her dream of owning a boutique happen. its very inspiring. she is a very amazing person. just had a baby.. he is about 6 months now? and she just went back to work again... full time. and she own a up and coming thriving boutique ... that was previously just an e-shop now.. until FRIDAY.. then it will have a real store front shop that people can go to.

and on october 3rd is my old highschools homecoming and we are at our 10th year since graduating and a lot of us from the class of 2004 are going to show up at the game to meet up.. and i want to go because i havent done anything with anyone. they cancelled the reunion and i dunno... whatever

cant think anymore goodnight

Monday, September 22, 2014

not a normal monday

so last night i was scared because i had blood in my stool

and i really wish i shouldnt have said anything about it
because Stan has enough to worry about with his mom and his job and just... i am not the things he needs to focus on at all.

further more....  last night i get what can only be described as a case of what i suppose they call "Vertigo" and it was still here this morning for a while... it took a while to go away after i woke up . i dont know... maybe fluid in my ears?

i did clean out my ears last night and there was a lot of fluidy melty wax... but i was already dizzy and falling everywhere before that. so ... idk.. maybe cleaning helped cause im ok now-- even though i did everything they say not to... with the q-tip in the ear way far and yeah... its dangerous. oh well it felt good and it relieved pressure somehow?? idk

so anyways


 I FOUND A PUPPY CAN I KEEEPS IT PLEEEEEASEEEE lol jk we have too many pets

we heard a dog barking all night and thought it was the people who live behind us cause they have a shih-tzu and... turns out. there was a lost puppy hiding along the fence between out apartment parking/drinking area and the lot next door that is currently under major construction...

he was barking and crying all night and not a sing soul went out there apparently??
so around 8am i got dressed and went out there to look... and he wouldnt come to me right away. he was so scared... he was barking at me a little bit... but in that spunky puppy way--- he wasnt being mean at all... he came up and sniffed my hand and ran away and laid in the dirt/leaves... then he came back again like he knew he wanted me to get him but he was scared. i dont know...
so i went inside and got some wet dog food and put it in a bowl and set it near him.. and he went right for it.. he was STARVING
no food aggression i had my hand on the bowl the entire time... i slid the bowl closer to me while he was eating and he came with it and i was able to pick him up and bring him inside...

he is so beautiful... so precious... omg i want to keep him so bad but i know i cant

he is too sweet and clean and healthy to have been a stray... he is somebodys baby and he is lost...
he appears to be a full blooded yellow lab

he is so clingy and needy and so not ready to be away from his mom i dont know.. he is just very very scared and wants to burrow in my bosom and crotch and hide when anybody comes near while im holding him.. like he wants to cover his head/eyes with anything he can... like he is scared

i think he had been at the construction site area for two night because he seems to be very traumatized by loud noises. very skittish

its pretty spectacular..

just like when i was in need to something to keep me from self destructing in 2007... when Aiden showed up as a stray kitten at our house magically and its like... he was meant for me... focusing on taking care of him made me take care of myself so i could take care of him

and now this little angel shows up

i swear

if the universe  keeps sending me angels in the form of pets everytime i am about to have a mental psychotic breakdown or whatever... i am going to need a farm to have them all =3 which is .... pretty awesome idea imo lol BRING IT ON

ok i am passing the fuck out now i hope i can get some sleep before the puppy wake up for food and water and potty time ... then i will have to do all that and tire him out playing so he will sleep more so i can sleep more =X

oh yeah, and stan wants to call him "mr puddles" for now cause he keeps peeing hahahha

Sunday, September 21, 2014

chinese food sunday is go

woooooooo eating chinese and watching lost girl allll dayyyy

i havent updated much today... we got up and decided to go get the pets food and get some chinese and come back and eat it and watch LostGirl..
after one episode we took a break and i managed to make a mess of things and now i am in the office for alone time and thats ok atleast its quiet in here
i have trouble focusing when theres tv playing in the background... and when its something i dont know and its loud and or obnoxious or... i dont know. i really do that a phobia of sounds.. its pretty traumatizing..

I want to go back to therapy and i want stan to go with me. so he can be my emergency contact and also be talk to the woman and they can get the structure sorted out for what he needs to do when i am too loopy to take care of myself.. because trust me... its gonna happen. its already kind of happened..
and he cant stay home from work all the time... to watch me and make sure i dont do anything to hurt myself when i have this weird psychotic depression or something... i dont know..

we can have a couples session to sort and then they can figure it out... i dont know.. i am just really scared because i miss Lisa and i want her so badly to be there and i dont know if i can handle going there without her but ...its becoming more obvious that... my ability to handle NOT going there at all and stopping therapy is.... non existent.

i am gonna go to bed now

my head hurts and i feel weird

Saturday, September 20, 2014


 I am going to walmart right now before the game day crowds wreak havoc on the town... MISS LILLY NEEDS CAT LITTER AND I WASNT SMART ENOUGH TO GET IT LAST NIGHT HERP A DERP.



it gives me one last chance to look at shiny things before I sit at home all weekend.

which is gonna be ok. we are gonna probably watch movies or sleep
not doing anything will be good.. we kind of have been on the go for a while... he needs a break.

I think maybe we can make pancakes???
but he likes sausage and eggs and i ... well i am gonna see if i can do it. my food stamps are cutting slim now but... its ok.. almost time to refill.

maybe i just get sausages? but eggs are probably cheaper
aahhhh i dont know
anwayys imma go now before too much more time passes


ok i didnt make it before game day people lololool
but it was ok
i got to help an 80 year old lady in a scooter shop for pizza... she was so sweet. omg.. and we kept running into each other and kept saying hi and she called me sweet girl... and awwww.... see, this is why i like going places randomly sometimes.. you never know when you will get to make a connection to someone... the exchange of positive energy is so wonderful and powerful... i felt like my light was shining so bright... my entire weekend is going to be great... just think of that lady in her scooter... shopping and her husband in his scooter shopping.. and they want different foods so they are seperated and she was all "he hates pizza he said your sick if you eat pizza all the time. and i said im sick if i DONT eat pizza all the time" she was so wonderful. it makes me miss my Nana. i want to see her again.
I also had a conversation with a late middle aged man who was getting fancy pants cat food for his cat and we were talking about how spoiled out cats are. hahaha.

anyways. the nice old lady made me decide to get Stan a pizza for dinner or lunch.
so i did that and got a plant... funny story... the assistant manager of walmart (or thats what his tag said!!!) was going to lock up the garden center gate for a bit and i was gonna go in there and look at the plants  but i wasnt done smoking and he was like "im sorry " and i was all "its ok... its a nice day.. i will walk to the other door" and then i went into the garden center and he was still there and i told him i just wanted to look at the cactus plants cause i have been collecting them and he told me he was too! and the "exotic angel" plants.. he said the purple passion one was the best cause it has green leaves with really thick purple fuzz and he picked out the best one of those and showed it to me... and i decided to take it home cause it seems awesome. looks very wicked. and i mean, come on-- i connected to this guy over love of weird plants by accident and he is the assistant/co manager person of walmart? this might be useful somehow someday YOU NEVER KNOWWWW


now i am home. Miss Lilly has a clean litter box and Stan is awake and  relaxing in the bedroom. I am in the livingroom doing my thing.. which is apparently blogging and eating banana popsicles


i swear i had goals for today but ffffffff who cares lmao

now eating ramen and watching Skins UK on netflix

aaaaand Stan got a phone call from his mom ... someone  hit her in her motorized wheelchair while trying to dart out of a driveway and they didnt look before they did it? or something? IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT MATTERS IS THAT ITS BAD
now we are all kinds of upset and idk

i am trying to stay away but i think i m gonna pass out.. and its barely after 7pm...

yeah its sleepy times

Friday, September 19, 2014


so i thought i was gonna go to the library today.
but i was mistaken. long story.

and now that thats out of my system

on to other things

i think i pulled muscles in my arms trying to pop my elbows last night but there was so much pressure i didnt know what to do... a huge storm came through so i am guessing thats why

my hair looks great the past few days and i have been stuck in the house.
it doesnt even get to be seen by anyone
maybe i should cut it off
its making me sad more than happy half the time...

ok i am depressed today

i think i should go back to sleep before i do something stupid

lololololololololol jk i decided to risk the chance of running out of gas in the ghetto so i could walk around walmart and i made it back alive wooooooooooooo

i also got cookies for Stan because he is supersuper pissed at me and i am in the dog house probably... er.. KITTY HOUSE.. CAT HOUSE... ... hey that sounds... sexy.. nevermind

the bad news is right as i was leaving my blood sugar dropped and i hate to eat cookies =( lol i eated his cookies
not all of them
no no but


also the being outside made my headache come back and i think i have knots on the right side of my head in the back behind my ear... i pressed and massaged the area and it felt better for like..  5 seconds

i came home and took more sinus/allergy meds and i am back in the bed room again after putting all that effort into moving my laptop and work station stuff in the livingroom...

ok my head hurts really bad... fml

------------  i passed out and fell asleep at some point between the previous update and this......
fell asleep on the hand in the worst way. ouch.
lolol good nap though!! felt like i slept forever!

so i have this tv with DVD player made into it in the BEDROOM SO I CAN BE ALONE AND QUIET TIME and so i can watch movies of any kind i can get at library when i FINALLY go there monday...

Stan and i are staying home tomorrow instead of going to my parents house to watch the game...
he needs the time to rest
and i understand that
its really hard for him lately and i need to chill out. im being selfish and i hate it... =( bad tabikat

so he gave me gas money to go to library next week.. i dont wanna go this weekend because hours are weird and game day traffic over there...

right now though i am going to the THRIFT STORE to look for tiny ceramic CAT FIGURINES because i am collecting them and they are like $1 ok thanks

---- yay i got a cute cat thing
it looks like Lilly when she is stalking something ... its her "IM GONNA GET IT" pose lmao

omg so they added FERNGULLY to netflix omg omgomgomgomg

this is why i am such a weirdo lmao i swear! this is me ahhhh

Thursday, September 18, 2014

thursday is... thursday which is not friday... thats almost saturday

uh anyway. I kind of had a moment earlier where I freaked out because I felt trapped
but it passed and i started cleaning the bathroom and organizing things
i know i am not trapped.
i dont know why i have this fear of it so... Brandon was so needy and possessive and didnt trust me to even drive to and from work by myself alone.. like seriously... ok.

lisa told me i would probably have some mild post traumatic stress from the adjustment i just... i dont know.. i havent made as much headway and i hoped i would i still feel like i am being .. i dont know.. i cant explain it

its nothing Stan is doing at all.
its something inside my head thats gotten all twisted around,

while i was talking to myself and cleaning the bathroom i talked out something that was pretty significant--- i have not been okay since Lisa stopped being my therapist
i miss her
i dont want to see anyone new because i dont want want to go through this all over again
i am sad and scared and alone
lisa would know what to do

i get lost in repetitive tasks all day.. forget what im doing... i dont know...

my emotional instability is ridiculous and i dont want to change my meds because i am scared of gaining even more weight if they add a salt based mood stabilizer... i want to cut my skin and fat off with a knife as it is.. i cant handle any more added weight

i am going to go lay down with Stan now.. its only 6:30 pm but he didnt sleep well last night.. it was pretty bad.. he was all over the bed.. i almost left and slept on the couch to give him room.
i am worried about him so much and i cant do anything i feel helpless i can massage his muscles and stuff but this is  a serious illness and i cant... fix it.. i just need to find a way to make it ok in my head somehow

uh oh so much for that
i think he is in bed for the rest of the evening until tomorrow unless he wakes up hungry around midnight... which is possible

i am starting a new art journal/scrapbook.... yaaaaaaaaay

soooo i just put a label on the recycled glass gar that is now the sugar canister in the kitchen. Stan got me Double sided tape at the DollarTree and its going to make a lot of things easier for meeeee
except the collecting fall leaves part lol i forgot that i needed normal tape to seal them off from air as much as possible (the paper breathes a bit but its negligible)

and you have miss lilly

i am on my own for dinner and i am kind of freaking out and thinking i might not eat anything at all because i dont know what to do and i am scared i will eat everything

i am so hungry right nowwww

ok i ate tater totsssss

and i am watching a weird old movie from the 1950s lmao
the only reason we put it on our watch list was its called "The Fuzzy Pink Night Gown"
ahhahaha its so funny and weird and funny i am probably gonna watch more random old movies lol

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

its humpday already????

jesus christ.

Well I dont know what the hell triggered my migraine... im guessing maybe allergies. but it was full blown... like.. i was hearing random shit and when i closed my eyes there were strobing lights and colors.. like wicked trippy... and i wasnt ON ANYTHING... and it hurt so bad oh my god

i think that might be a sign of some kind of seizure also so this makes me worry more.

i have noticed that the swelling on my forehead that was on the left side is slighly less but the right side is bulging out more. i think i really might have some kind of fluid pocket in there... it could just be fluid cyst stuff that is pressing on my head and making me have headaches?? i need to find out..its weird..i just not noticed that the knot i had on my head before is very much less than it was.. and the other side of my forehead seems to have this big welp.. i dont know..

the only way i could ever find out what is going on is if Stan and I get married and I dont want to do that to him... his insurance would go up. I would have to go to the hospital for brain scans and sleep studies and i dont even know.. what if i found out something really bad...
i almost dont want to know.. with all the convulsions and  migraines and random shit that happens..
maybe i should just let it be and if i die .. i die?
that is what people used to do .. now people live so long that we cant support our elders with social security and blah blah blah break down of modern society is at hand we need to be homesteading and going back to natural living... its true. we do. i also think people who are smart enough to start up solar power shit need to buy that stuff up and set it up asap so we can detach from the energy grid on our own... and ween back into the old lifestyle slowly. having enough electricity stored for cooking and heating water and and minimal lighting... from solar panels or some other source.. maybe wind.. and just... yeah... i am gonna stop talking..there is so much you could do now because we have figured out how to make these little environments that say, grow algae and harness what they put off a fuel source for something.. i miss watching green energy docs i need to do that again soon.


i am rambling so much

i took a lot of medicine to try to keep the headache from coming back

so i am just... waiting.. i just ate.. and i am going watch netflix and wrap another stone? yep

nix that i got distracted and did some other random things.. like water my cactus and the other cactus and i refuse to combine them and say cacti because i dont wanna... i also organized my make up and watched some TakePartLive online because i cant watch it live on tv anymore because we dont have tv.... boooo. I miss my folks on that show.. it was cool knowing and talking to the hosts on twitter it made me feel special damn it.

When stan got home we went to dollar tree and i got some shea butter soap cause its awesome. also.. tape for taping stuff in my journal.. and we got dollar tree orange chicken that is probably super bad for you in the ways of preservatives and what not.. but even if it wasnt for that.. the acidity of the honey glaze stuff they coat it in made my esophagus hurt like crazy... and i only had two tiny little bites
we got a lot of other things that i dont remember right now because i am tired and took melatonin and wheeeeee

i keep eating things that i know will make me feel sick and i hate it why cant i be responsible and just cut the harmful foods out of my diet?
i hate not being able to eat delicious things because of my esophagus damage. it makes me sad. it lessens my quality of life on a daily basis.
just like the convulsions.



STAN AND I STARTED WATCHING LOSTGIRL AGAIN OH MY GOD I LOVE IT IT SO SEXYYYYYYY and i love the myths and magic and yaaaay im a witch its fun ok thanks bye

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

taking a break tuesday

even though i have stuff to do..

my head is killing me
i had to walk the dog even though i have a migraine so that was fun.... when i got back to our porched i sneezed 10 times in a row pretty much.. and i dont sneeze a lot so that was pretty significant happenings... and now my head hurts worse... so this must be fall allergies or some shit...

its hard to keep my right eye open, but if i close it and squint and turn the brightness on the computer as low as it goes before being black i can use the computer.

however now that my head is hurting even worse i think i need to stop and lay down

i finally remembered where i put the allergy and sinus medicine and i took some so i am waiting to see if this helps.. i already took two huge doses of stuff for headache.

i am wrapping the crystals i got at the beach... i havent uploaded the photos yet because ive felt too shitty to do it.. i might not do it at alll. save for important ones... or pretty ones...

atleast not in bulk, however, i do want to show you my shiny new crystals and gems!!!!!

and this is only HALF of them because I got a second bag on the way home on sunday!!!!

THANK YOU STAN YOU ARE THE BEST I LOVE YOU FOREVERRR. (they weren't expensive so this is a good way to get stones to use without ordering online cause the size of these are really awesome.. really big... so they're going to be way more if you buy them somewhere online... trust me)

here are more pictures from the beach.... (click continue reading or whatev if youre looking at this on the index page of the blog)

Monday, September 15, 2014

Monday .... sept 15


so glad to be home though

wish i could have spent time at ocean more. (my yearning to commune with the ocean was not quenched in any way shape or form.... not at all)

also wish we couldve been in the pool more.

but oh well

anyways... i just hung up 95% of my vacation clothes... cause you know i took 83283493483 different pieces of clothes and wore only 5 of them
it was three days. i pack for two weeks. i have issues. get off me.


also have to hang up the stuff in the dryer and ... i already put up the clothes in the washer

ok i got everything done today wooooooo i am awesome

i am actually watching tutorials on how to wire wrap tumbled stones I FEEL LIKE  I AM CHEATING I USUALLY FIGURE THIS OUT ON MY OWN. but I want these to look really really good and yeah.. so I need the little extra instruction on a few things to make it better

I think Stan and I are going to clean up the apartment and have his friends from work over here for dinner one evening this fall???

also.. this weekend my dad is working and mom has invited Stan to the house to watch the game.. cause he likes football a hell of a lot more than i do lolol

Stan talked to Tanner (Stans cousin/pretty much little brother in a way) and they are gonna try to let us stay with them this christmas when we visit so I can be around Hannah (Tanner's fiancee) more.. Hannah is amazing and so much like me and i miss her after only seeing her for a week that one time we went up there. she is so ... just.. her aura is amazing and she is just good people... i want her in my life. i need someone like her. i havent had any friends in a long time... Julie and Jessica aside, i mean... they are always there. but i dont have any one else really.
not that i see in person anyways... and Hannah and Tanner will be family in a few years.
and i wont see them OFTEN but just knowing that it will happen at least twice a year or so would be nice

today is buffer day though.. i did my "safe" foods all day until tonight.. Stan wanted pizza and god damn it... lolol i love pizza. ffffml

my dreams are very interesting lately... i can remember more of them than usual... atleast more than i did before here recently... and they are like mini movies of some kind of similar alternate reality i go to in my head? i dont know. either way there was a period of time when i didnt remember anything... but now i think its coming back

this will be interesting.

i am going to stop fighting my sleep and go to bed nowww

Beach Vacay offline Journaling from sept 11- sept 14th

this is a really long post so if you are viewing this on the main dot com index page of my blog you will have to click through the "continue reading" link or whatev.

but if you are coming here from a direct link to the entry you can disregard this message

and so here it goes....

Thursday, September 11, 2014


we leave tonight for the beach.....

i am no longer excited. im actually quite pissed and hate it

but i am going anyways

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

humpday wednesday last day before leaving for beach dayyyy

i am 80% packed... (well probably 90%)

i am trying not to eat a lot but I am so boooored and i am on my period and holy shit.. ughhh

washing last minute clothes and trying to get organizzzzeddd

ok i just feel like bad shit keeps raining down on me

i guess i deserve it for one reason or another i know how karma and the threefold law work with the craft

maybe someday i will have worked off all the bad i did in the past

this vacation is going to suck ass

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Tuesday is .. tuesday

i am packing and cleaning up the apartment and figuring out whats going on..

My brother had a car wreck yesterday... which is really really bad. he just got a job finally and we starting to get his life sorted out a bit... and this happened... right before my parents leave for their anniversary trip to the beach TODAY..

they gonna look at it and see if they can fix it on their own.. he only had liability insurance. so.. this is bad
and now his insurance is gonna be higher from now on for a really long time.
my parents had to take back their vacation trip funds to get his car out of the towing and holding place.

so i guess they wont have as much money to go blow at casinos lol but they place they're renting is already paid for, and it has full kitchen and we can cook and eat there.. dont have to go out to eat every meal like when you stay in some places..

its 2:30

today i added tigers eye beads to my CAT earrings so now i have tigers/cats eye pewter cat charm earrings

aaaaand a chipped green aventurine bracelet--- done with chain instead of suede cord cause i like that better

might make some more random stuff
i dunno.. i brought my luggage in here to start packing while watching netflix lol

i feel a bad vibe brewing and i dont like it i wanna go lay in bed or something idk
tomorrow is wednesday

i am going to bed now i feel a migraine trying to start

Monday, September 8, 2014

monday...marvelous magic monday

sooo.. its monday!!!!!

today i have cleaned the litter box, taken out the garbage, hung up half of the laundry--- and started sorting out some of the packing I need to do before thursday.

I am so exciteddddd

I am sorting and packing jewelry to make if i get bored and a book to read while we are trying to relax

Stan and i are talking about how we will spend our time... we want to go to the beach one morning ... and also go shopping for random stuff one afternoon.. we are gonna eat out somewhere nice one night. and probably do something with my parents another time... we have two full days... three nights-- but we dont get there thursday night until like... 10 pm or so...

uh anyway i need to go work on some stuff because its a full moon =)
)O( Blessed Be.


okay its 9pm or so
we went to look for a bikini top and other beach stuff for me and its alllll gone... walmart done sold it or put it back into the storage for doing a clearance thing later or maybe selling next year

its ok i can swim in bra and tank top and cotton shorts. i dont care lol

my crystals are out to get charged under the supermoon

i am just relaxing this week and packing... i have had a really bad last few days.. lots of bad luck
i need to cleanse and reboot and this full moon and vacation and going to the ocean to be with the sea.... sigh...

ok i think i am heading to bed

Sunday, September 7, 2014

I guess you could call this "SHRIMP SUNDAY" cause we went to RedLobster

One of Stan's favorite co-worker buddies had a birthday today so we went to RedLobster for that.... they have all you can eat Shrimp stuffs for a while and oh my goddddd yayayayay.

after that we went to dollar tree for stuff and came home.

after putting stuff away, doing some laundry and talking a bit...   started this entry
got ridiculously sleepy.

and took a nap lol


which bring me to something else--

on this vacation i am taking my netbook solely for typing up blog entries at the end of each day about what happened

theres no internet at this house we are staying at. however if i wanted to my parents can set up a wifi hotspot with their phones on their data plan but i dont want to update my blog every day im gone. i just want to type out the story of what happened (cause my memory is bad)
so i can upload it later when we get home in one big blog post about the vacation--

which means i also will be using a real digital camer that takes decent pictures and uploading those to to add to the post so this might be funn lololol my parents are goofy as hell and we are gonna be with them while we are there

there things my chromebook can do while off line are pretty tailored for a internet detox... you can load up your google drive stuff that youve synced to your solid state drive for offline viewing and editing. so i have made documents that i can type my entries out in and keep everything organized

theres also basic offline games to play that run in the browser as a stored up cached page or some shit... chrome is amazing about that. so i it will load these "apps" from from the google store (its not the google PLAY store) its a store specifically for chromebook OS people .. and theres a section of stuff that work while disconeccted to the internet... a lot of it is stuff for businesses and work type stuff for making documents and charts and stuff and other thingsss

but there are a few games and stuff that i love like solitaire and mahjong solitaire and this one game called "flood it" that..i dont even know how to explain it lmao

that has a few games that work offline.

and also theres boooks.... lots of books to read. omg i need this to read book.

also i have my christmas jewelry projects to start up =)
gifts for Stans mom and his cousins's fiancee and probably his grandma

i supposed i should make something for his dad's wife... that he married after his parent split up. i havent met them yet because they were on  vacation when we went to Kentucky in June but it would be bad form to not make stuff for all the female family people, i think

anyways i am gonna try to get some sleep.

if i can

its been ridiculously hard for me to sleep lately
the convulsions while im falling asleep are so bad that i am literally crying and pleading for them to stop every night... they go on for two or three hours usually... and i have started getting bruises from hitting the wall and other such things
like myarms are literally FLAILING AROUND for like.. 2-5 seconds.. legs too. i cannot control it. I cant stop it. its like i have complete loss of control and my entire body spasms like electric shock goes through..  it comes in waves here lately ....sometimes it happens two or three back to back .. but here lately sometimes as many as 4 or 5 shocks come back to back
at which point i am bouncing up off the bed usually.
its pretty sad
like i almost dont want to live sad. cause i cant do this every night for the rest of my life. i cant do this. its so exhausting and its driving me insane. =(

if im lucky it just happens once in a row for about an hour or so and my limbs dont move a lot--- when its mild like that i can lay on my stomach and tuck my arms under and i usually can fall asleep faster

on top of this if my jaw muscles are relaxed i end up making moaning or weird almost shouting noises when the convulsions happen... i dont know how stan can sleep in the same bed with me.. i dont know how he does it... he falls asleep first usually and he sleeps really deep so i guess he doesnt hear my hollering and flopping around (we have a really big bed and tempur pedic matress so its awesome)

eventually stan and i will get married and i will be on his insurance
i will probably have to go to the hospital for sleep studies for a while
they will probably do brain scans
try to see what is firing off in my head to make this happen.. so they can get the right medicine, i hope, to make it less severe

ive told a lot of people about this convulsion thing-- but no one except Stan knows how bad it is.
my parents dont even know because i sleep in my room.
gordon would hear my yelling in my sleep... but he just thought i was yelling in dreams..

which i do.. i talk in my sleep a lot... sometimes really loud...

there is something not shutting off like its supposed to.... something is missfiring.... or... i dont know.

this is some kind of central nervous system something going on, i think...
or i am having seizures of some kind that i dont understand because people tell me the convulsions are too short to be seizures and they only happen when im laying still and starting to doze off and sleep


i dont know


i wonder if i would be able to remember stuff again if i could sleep like a normal person?

that could be potentially life changing... because i have to write everything down all day and make a planner and notes and detailed lists just to keep myself remembering what i am supposed to be doing

its really sad, you guys.. it really is.. is ridiculously pathetic and sad
i wish this all wasnt true... that i was just making it up-- but im not this is for real. this is my life.
and its really hard to be happy sometimes.. its really hard to find the strength to keep going... but i have found joy in the certain things... to make up for the pain.... and i have enough of that to keep me here and living

if i hadnt of met Stan i would not be here
there wasnt enough good things left to keep me wanting to try to live with all the problems i have that will probably last the rest of my life. life long chronic illness... Bipolar (and other severe mental illness like schizophrenia and severe depression and such) is like Diabetes .. you have to keep a log of your shit your moods and how you feel, your sleep hours.... and you have to keep your meds logged... and you have to take them EVERY SINGLE DAY.. AT SPECIFIC TIMES. ALL DAY EVERYTIME. on schedule. just like insulin
and its an illness that you cant see with the naked eye
and if you dont have someone to support and take care of you.. there isnt really much hope... there isnt. there really isnt. without a support system you are fucked-- and i love my parents-- but they do not understand my illness at all. not even a little bit.
and that makes them unable and pretty much almost unwilling to be there when i need it... to watch for the signs and make decisions when i can to get me help

Stan can do that for me.
he is the first person in my life who has ever done it. i wouldnt let anyone else.








Saturday, September 6, 2014


we are so not leaving as early as he wanted lolol

lol ok its 7:30 pm

so much has happened.. or change .. we are NOW going the beach this coming thursday night until sunday... my parents have rented a place and are going down there on tuesday.. we will come later...
i have wanted to go to the beach for SO MANY YEARSSSSS

and can enjoy it and not be all worried about what is happening because i am with  stan and i dont have to do the whole "OMG I AM SO FAT IN MY SWIMSUIT OH NO" thing beccaaaaaauseee  i am with Stannn and he already knows what i look like and loves me and thinks im sexy so i can just relax and enjoy myself for once


i am already packing.... we leave thursday after stan gets off work
so awesome going to take journals and write and read books and yayayayayay

ok now i make packing list and stuffff

and i need to go to bed and get some rest sooon i think

Friday, September 5, 2014


friday is here way too soon and I am still feeling like shit and sore and achey i dont evenknow what is going on.. i didnt know what day it was and i was keeping a blog by each day.. how the hell do i do that? what the fuck.. i dont even wanna think about it.

its hard to stay awake
and its also hard as hell to fall asleep most of the time
there is no inbeteween
i dont know what the hell is going ong

maybe one day i will hae health insurance lol

i have to wash dishes today
and shower because we are leaving early tomorrow to visit my parents on saturday cause dad is off work and stan wants to GTFO of tuscaloosa on gameday... they are gonna scream at tv together. its going to be precious. lolol

i am dreading taking a shower because i am so lethargic and tired... i know i wont be able to stand up the whole time... i feel like i am a lot older than 28... and thats my fault.. i did this to myself... i guess... with eating disorder and drinking and such... but i just though.. maybe i would come back a little strong than this... CAUSE IM COUNTRY STOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGG

holy shit i need to watch that movie again ASAP

stan said the chicken nuggets i got at Sam's Club (mom took me in there with her membership) were the best chicken nuggets he has ever eaten. i want to test this. but i also havent pooped and i feel back up. i have have been eating APPLES
and Craisins
but this morning i drank a weak cup of smooth move herbal tea

also, about Sams Club- apparently its only $45 a year for membership so.... we are definitely doing that. asap. he is making his BBQ sauce  and we can get the foods we know for sure we will eat in bulk at less (you hae to be careful though... check OZ and prices and stuff)

theres also other good things there.. clothes.. house stuff... electronics.. some books and whatnot...
we will probably get a "honey do" list of stuff to get at Sams Club from Stans mom and she will pay us back haha. thats ok...

soooo wtf

i am eating ramen and white meat canned chicken in water that i mixed together so gooood.

i have to take a bath and get my ass ready before stan gets home because we have to go get my medication today,... i run out this weekend and i didnt even realize how much was going on so ffff

atleast i can think in complete sentences today!!!! that is an improvement!

herp a derp is 2:45 i took a shower and i got ridiculously exhausted. but i am clean. hair and everything. which is hard for me ---- if you know.... i have a fucking massive amount of hair and its long and dry and tangles a lot... yeahhhhh... thats why i braid it all the time. i cant NOT braid it. it would just be one big rats nest tangle and id have to get it cut off

so i usually shampoo and conditioner and get it dry and try to braid it before it gets to that... tangle every time you touch it stage.... but if i have enough hair conditioner and leave in hair stuff and oils i can blow dry is smooth with coconut oil or something similar.. i have to use oil when i blow dry or its game overrr

um anyways. we arent going to get my meds tonight we will get them tomorrow on the way back from my parents house


ooooohhh, so stan came home and there was a note on the door from the apartment company owners and apparently us telling them about the noise and loitering... well...im just gonna guess its because Stan has been the perfect tenant have never been late on rent ever and.. well, they know he work for Alabama Public Radio here at the UA .... and.. well... it would just be awful if there was some kind of story about the way this area has gotten worse and worse and feels unsafe lolololool yeahhhhhh

SOOOO starting tonight.. this weekend... there is a security guy all night now.. starting tonight.. and there is a 9pm curfew. you have to been around your porch area by then.. no walking around or hanging out in parking lots and stuff... and no loitering in the stairways and breezeways anymore...


im sure there will be some hell breaking loose when they realize they cant hang out everywhere and be loud and blast music after getting back from bars or whatever it is that people do? i dunoo

i wonder the the security guy is doing warnings, then ... they mention asking people to move out... if they are repeatedly breaking rules... about curfew and stuff...

given the type of people that live around here... and i dont forsee this going very well.

might make for some fun stories ... the cops will surely come at some point lol

i am so tired i dont wana sleep jedigoaehns;oughbrdfgblsdf danm it

Thursday, September 4, 2014

thursdayyyyyyyyyy idek...

i still feel sick... like something in my sinus cavity is just... raw or something.... it makes my head hurt all the time just a tiny bit... which makes me easily annoyed and snappy.. which makes me sad =(

I am about to wash dishes, vacuum... anddddd.. well just got some information on someone to help me work on this poppet. but gotta get chores done and try and make this nasty raw feeling in my throat/nasal cavity go away


okay done with dishes and vacuuming.. i ate an omelette for lunch WAS SO GOOOOOD
now i am gonna eat some frozen applesauce and watch this Doc: Zeitgeist-- the movie



i feel like i have a fever and my throat is sore and i dont know i cant get sick i feel really hot my head feels heavy and fuzzy and hot

i am definitely running a fever. i am clumsy and dropping stuff and bumping into things so my inner ear or whatever must be. i dunno. or its vertigo... i dont know..
stan has put me on bedrest so im not allowed to get up... sitting here with computer


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

wednesdayyyy????? humpity hump day? witchy wednesday? idek

its 2pm and i havent even started this yet... my brain is not with it lately. and my sinus nasal cavity hurts so bad fffff

i have decided to take some time off from jewelry making and do it as it comes to me... just whatever i come up with... no serious projects unless someone commissions something. i wanna make fun creative stuff that i come up with on my own on the fly... not school colors over and over and over and over and over ughhhh

an old friend of mine that i thought i lost has come back to me and i am so happy to speak to him again-- cause we have known each other for so very long... and he is interesting in me making a keychain amulet thing for him.. so thats awesome.


i am eating ramen noodles with mushrooms for lunch everyday until forever
breakfast is yogurt or a weight loss shake
dinner is going to vary... chicken or fish with rice or noodles and mushrooms
i have popsicles for sweet treats and also 100 calorie tapioca and and butterscotch pudding
i have portioned out animal crackers, mini pretzels, and these iced galletos


sooo on saturday we are going to my parents house agaaaaainnnn
for football game day... its just gonna be mom and dad and us

and sunday we are going to Red Lobster (most likely) they have ALL YOU CAN EAT SHRIMP RIGHT NOW. its his co-workers birthday or something like that.

jesus its only 8pm and i am tired as fuckkkkk

im probably gonna nap and wake up around midnight again .. and stay up until 3.. and then go back to bed i dunnoo... blaaah

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Tues sept 2 daily word vomit

Its 4am and i am wide awake. This is really annoyinggggg.

ok.. now its 8:30.
slept a tiny bit more.. nothing much though.

fed miss lilly, walked the dog, took my morning meds, a checking all my social media, need to weight myself, and then visit with stan until he leaves for work. #housewifeissues

ok its 10am.. i am gonna take a shower and sneak to walmart for a red brick if i can get my hands on one... they put all that stuff on sale last week and it should be $1 for just one.
i need a hammer though.... but i might be able to make due with something else... i will have to let yall know about this later... its a hoodoo thing.. #witchyladyissues for our protection at this apartment! there is some bad shit going down around here yall.. seriously... ughh

ok no going to the store just yet.. i feel like i might be getting sick... my throat is raw and sinus hurts and i just blah..

i have stuff to do here-- little things..

so i am laying down and watching Weeds on netflix,

stan is home and we are talking about making Poppets and watching Breaking Bad and planning the next year or two... kinda sorta.. just in theory.... i am taking a break from jewelry and hoping to sell what i've got up on etsy somehow.. will do online promoting a lot the next day or two.. using instagram, tumblr, twitter, pinterest


its midnight

we finished breaking bad

i have all kinds of feels. i dont even wanna think about it right nowwwww..... ughhh

ok so.. i cant sleeeeeeep its now sept 3 and jsdciklhfpcihefpdioc
i definitely need a break from this jewelry making.. i am still  unsure whats going to happen with the new etsy listings... everybody is fucking pissed off about it
on sept 8th i am stopping my ads becaue i dont want to be charged for the new shit they are doing

i wanted to stay up and do stuff but my head is feeling really heavy and i think i need to go now...

Monday, September 1, 2014


sooo todayyyy i have  a list of stuff to doooo.. and I am exciteddd i dunno.. just happy feels..

having an android smart phone is weird for me because now i have to pick what email address i want to use for the google shit and i decided on my barely used tabithaleighreynolds at gmail dot com one... so now I have a new instagram account with that.. which will be family friendly!

and i am gonna go and delete my omfgitstabitha Instagram account and all its photos...

i just called the complaint people for Stan's apartment complex owners because someone has been parking in front or near our building a lot... blasting their radio as loud as it will go and like.. THERE ISNT EVEN ANYBODY IN THE CAR. OR NEAR THE CAR. WHAT THE FUCKKKK SERIOUSLY... god damn. they just leave it up and go inside somehwere???? and let it play.. like what the fucking hell WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN TOO.

and its more than one person. different people do it.... there are some people down on the other end that pretty much sit on the porch drinking and yelling at each other all afternoon and night.. and the area down there--- the grass and and sidewalk is covered in trash and alcohol bottles and fast food wrappers on the ground everywhere... I AM FED UP WITH THIS SHIT.

plus you know the random visitors of the people who life here most likely picking up drug dealings and what not.. and then i get sexually harassed randomly all the time.

any fucing waysss

i did the dishes, hung up the laundry... did another extra thing that is awesome that i will tell stan about... i need t to shower or do listings and i dunno which is more important


its almost 9pm but i have all  listing up that I planned to do today so yaaaaaaaaaay I did ittt
the only thing i didnt do that i REALLY REALLY NEEDED TO DO..... ???? take a shower.
so grosss..... there is just not enough damn time.. ffffff

I have been working so hard nobody is buying anything i am going insane and i am STILL FUCKING LIVID ABOUT ETSY CHANGING THEIR SEARCH AD PROMO SHIT

my etsy bill for august was almost $9 .. i didnt even make that to pay it =( atleast not on etsy.. IRL i sold stuff though... which is how i am about to pay for my MEDS because if i dont have my meds its GAME FUCKING OVER OK


i have been juggling around emails and logins with instagram and android devices and i have finally figured out what i am doing....

i have another instagram that no one will know about hardly

and i have one that is for everybody i already knew IRL --family friends etc

yay i can have privacy maybe??
if you search for that username is comes up with a girl who is-- omfgitstabitha_ or somenumber idk

i feel awesome.

tomorrow i am showering for sure.
and trying out this new other tumblr archive back up thing i found to see if i can back that up and purge my tumblr and start over as fun tumblr i can play around and reblog and get all nerdy and geeky about stuff on.. no serious bsns there... not anymore


i am so tired i dont want to sleep i dont know what to dooo goodnight interbutttzzzzzzzzz

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...