Tuesday, October 31, 2017
stan ate a huge turkey leg drumstick thing. and i got three quartz crystals to wrap and make pendants out of... after that i was pretty much happy. nothing could ruin my day. lol
i ate enough for like 3 people at the place we went to for dinner.. Shoneys.. they are very rare and almost non existent but they was one so we went there and i ate and ate and ate and ate.
and then i ate little debbie snack cakes at the hotel.
we watched random movies on the hbo or whatever they have in the hotel
and went to bed early ish i think
i didnt sleep much. i woke up and played on my phone and AT MORE STUFF I SHOULDNT HAVE EATEN. BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL
stan and i had a good morning on sunday morning.
and we ate breakfast and left and went to dollar tree and came home.
and crashed and i slept... for a lomg time.
and on monday i slept a lot more
i feel sickish
i think i caught something at the fair so i am feeling a little under the weather.
i am behind on laundry, didn't do that on sunday. and trying to do that today
i need to refill my med case i have been just filling up for a day or two and i need to do it for a whole week so i dont have to keep coming back and redoing it every few days
i talked to my cousin douglas on the phone yesterday for almost 2 hours and it was nice but he was feeling down so it wasnt nice... i dunno. i have this whole... need to fix people want to make everybody happy and i cant help him much but tell him what to do to get started on taking care of himself mental health wise and thats all i can do. other than listen because i know what he is going through better than anybody else he knows
i have some personal projects this week. i also need to work on trying to see april. and douglas. but that means gas money and i hate asking stan for gas money because i makes me feel like a piece of shit.
i want to art journal and journal and... work on.. i dunno. christmas card mailing lists? i wanna do that this year! it gives me happy and something to do.
i need to pick out what to wear to the holiday things and for when we travel and i know its a long time from now but if i dont start doing it i will feel rushed and freak out when it gets closer.
idk what else
im gonna go do stuff
Thursday, October 19, 2017
and i have been sick since saturday night.
the head cold is almost gone... i dont get neon green yellow shit when i blow my noise anymore.
but it still makes my ears pop and theres fluid in there. i mean, dont get me wrong i'm congested as fuck but it's nowhere near as bad as it was two days ago.
my chest however... i thought it was okay because i could breath but just a few hours after bragging about that it got worse and now i have this death rattle cough. and nothing will come up at all. i can't cough this shit up. like maybe i have like.. coughed something up twice in the past four days. its just coughing and it rattles and it hurts like a son of abitch. like someone is stabbing me in the chest.
note to self: spell check isnt working right apparently oh well
an old friend that i had lost has started talking to me. apologized for being pretty much the meanest son of a bitch i have ever met in my life. and some shit. and i find myself unable to stay pissed off at this person despite knowing i have every right to be pissed the fuck off. for the rest of my life pissed off. thats how pissed off i should be. but whatever we are adults now. so i am seeing if this can be a friendship. my hopes arent very high. i dont exactly have friends. never have.
i have been stuck in the house. even if i could go anywhere (without feeling like a fat fuck and being paranoid that people are staring at me in disgust) i shouldn't because i'm sick.
we are going shopping on sunday so i guess i will go somewhere then, until then i am here trying to not sleep all day. i play pokemon but i get sleepy and i dont want to fall asleep with my 3ds on because i'm afraid i will break it in my sleep because i just have really fucking bad luck.
I watch netflix but i can only do that for so long too.
I dont have the patience to read. but then again, i havent really tired that much lately either. i guess i could do that.
i am getting antsy as fuck about getting health insurance because i am scared to death of it and excited at the same time. i keep thinking maybe things will get better. but then i keep thinking... what if i found out something really bad and it ruins my life? i could live on being oblivious and just live without worrying and having some kind of weird sickness or something hanging over my head. i have no idea wtf is going on with my health or my body i have not had a doctor in over 10 years. never have a p doc. never have a physical never had anything.
its just so much easier this way.
i'm starting to think that maybe even if i get insurance i wont use it unless i am deathly sick.
i dont even think my meds work anyway. i think its just placebo bull shit i dont feel like they are doing anything at all. so why am i still taking them?
so the only plans we have are ... going to a Renaissance fair next weekend in north alabama (florence i think it is) and we are going to stay over night.
i don't know how i will handle it. sometimes i think i will be ok.
and then there are other days where i am so disgusted with myself i dont want to get out of bed or put clothes on or bathe or eat or breathe.
i dont know how i will handle being in a place with lots of people. usually if its in an outdoor place i am okay. crowded indoor places get me really bad. my anxiety is hit or miss a lot of the time. people think that just because i dont have a panic attack one time over something that i am magically cured and can do anything without a problem. but thats not how it is. at all. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days and sometimes i can do certain things and other things i cant do i cant predict it or explain it. so theres a chance we could go to this thing and i could be scared to death to even get out of the car and do shit. so what happens then? we have wasted a trip. a weekend. wasted money. i dont have a magical pill to make it easier to handle. i dont have shit.
so while he wants to go to this renaissance fair.... and i wish i could want to go... i really dont know what i want to do because i dont know how i will handle it until we are already there.
i guess if i cant do it he can take me to the hotel and leave me there. but check in isnt until the afternoon and we will get there in the morning. so what the fuck am i going to do?
i hate myself and i hate this life and i dont understand why i have to be the one with all this bullshit problems i will never know what its like to feel normal or have a normal day or do things without being afraid or scared or upset or... i dont know. it just feels really pointless right now. all of it.
chronic mental illness is a son of a bitch and i will NEVER get rid of it.
it doesnt GO AWAY.
this is my fucking life
and i dont even know if i want to live it
but its all i fucking have
Sunday, October 15, 2017
So... The festival was yesterday. And we had bad luck with the shepards hill place again. I tried it last year and didn't sell anything. Dad tries it this year and sold one thing all day. We are all in agreement that we will do the Druid City Arts and Crafts Festival next spring. So we need another tent and two more tables.
I think i will do good at the druid city festival.. I have better stuff than I did last time I did it.
I started feel really crappy yesterday while I was at the festival and It just got worse... I slept for 4 hours woke up for an hour. Slept for another 3 hours. And so on. But I woke up this morning and I felt like death. I am sleeping on the floor because I am keeping Stan awake at night moving around and talking and shit in my sleep. So I hurt from sleeping on the floor. And my head is stopped up. Nose is stopped up. Throat is sore. Sinus is draining. Coughing. Runny nose. Idek. I stay asleep for an hour and have to sleep again.
I started laundry and woke up just now so I have to put it in the dryer.
Stan has to go back to work Monday. Tomorrow. He worked Friday even though he wasn't supposed to. He had no choice.
I don't know what I'm gonna do this next week. Probably try to not get worse... I can't go to the doctor for this. So I have to push through and use the power of my mind to not get sick.
I don't have much to say.
Gonna go do shit now.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
So on Monday I went to town and got things I didn't want Stan to get for me because I had already made him spend so much money. (every time this happens I get this really bad self hate and it nags at me for days)
So i got some washi tape for my planner, paper clips, etc. i also got stuff for dad to display his wood decor wall hangings at the festival this saturday. i worked on my planner after i got home until it was time to cook dinner. YES i cooked dinner. my husband wants fish sticks and macaroni and cheese.. so i made that for him while he was on the way home. i ate one serving of the fish sticks and half a serving of the mac and cheese (that stuff has a fuck ton of calories, btw)
i have been having really bad "hypnic jerks" or :convulsions or whatever they are .. when i'm falling asleep. i heard recently that this is a possible side effect of psychiatric medications and that if the medication isn't stopped they have the potential to most likely be permanent. so fml apparently i am stuck with this shit unless they have some kind of medicine for epilepsy that can keep me from flopping around on the bed for an hour before falling asleep every night. sometimes it's so bad i just give up and stay awake.. which is bad for my bipolar... throws my moods off. causes mixed or hypomanic episodes. but i'll be damned if i lay in bed next to my husband (who is trying to sleep so he can go to work) while flopping around on the bed like a fish our of water every 4-10 seconds or so. So I have decided that until we figure out what is going on and (hopefully) are able to get it better...I am going to go into the living room and try to sleep or just do whatever i do when i'm awake at night.
on monday night i laid in bed through the hypnic jerks and actually got a good nights sleep. (i gave up one time and tried again)
and tuesday was a good day.... i ate my "safe" foods and watched orange is the new black and chilled out in the living room because stan came home early.. my husband is sick and he never ever gets sick so i know it must be pretty bad. =( i worry about him so much.
so I let Stan have the bedroom and i camped out on the couch all day.
Stan did something really really nice and used his debit card to pay for me to get a downloadable virtual console game form the nintendo e-store for the 3ds. even though i didn't deserve it at all. so now i have pokemon gold to play!!!! and maybe.. just maybe.... i will get the pokemon bank thing and i can keep all my pokemon from the games... and never lose my precious little babies that i raise in the games... because they are my babies. i love my pokemon.
on tuesday mom went with pawpaw to tuscaloosa to get him some velcro shoes... because, well, he is having trouble putting his shoes on. i mean he is 82 after all... no shame in velcro shoes lol
and now its wednesday
i didnt sleep last night. at all. but i feel ok. which means i'm getting hypomanic. which means i have to be careful. i do bad things when i get manic.
later today we are going to the storage unit to look for the cash box and money bag for dad to use at the festival on saturday.
after that we are going to go to winn-dixie and get me some yogurt because i am running low.... i eat so much yogurt... its crazy.
on friday night we are going to the festival site to set up the tent and tables for saturday.. so make things easier saturday morning.
on saturday the entire family crew is gonna be there to support dad. he has worked really hard on this stuff and i am impressed and proud of him and his work. i will take photos and post them here or on facebook. the stuff he has made is mostly bible verses and stuff... wall hangings and such.
there is a slight possibility that some of my aunts/uncles will come to the festival. maybe more people i don't know.... and really, i don't want to think about it too much because it makes me nervous and i am already going to be a nervous wreck of anxiety because its a festival with people and noise and i am uncomfortable like... i am being judged by every single person who looks at me.... i can't make the feelings stop.. it is constant... the feeling of being judged and watched and found disgraceful and ugly and fat and worthless and useless and disgusting.
this is what i go through every day. this voice in my head that watches over me and judges me. i don't get to relax. i don't get time to be normal. its always there. and people wonder why i am so stressed out or acting weird... you try fighting a battle with your own mind every single second of every single day. and that's just the social anxiety and eating disorder part. don't even get me started on the bipolar batshits. jesus christ.
so anwyays.... i know Alabama homecoming is saturday but we are going to be busy... atleast we wont be having a huge party cookout with tons of greasy fatty food that i want to eat but can't and feel miserable about.
so anyways... its wednesday. going to the grocery store this afternoon. and storage unit. storage unit first. then grocery store.
i need to change the litter in the cat box!!!! i completely forgot! but i have to wait until the garbage truck has gotten the garbage so i can get the garbage can and put the used litter in there.... so i dunno when i will be doing that i guess i will ask mom if the truck has run yet.
my mom is putting in an avon order today and she is ordering me 3 of the BIG volumizing mascaras in waterproof black. i have tried to use mascara from walmart or the drug store or whatever.. and i just can't do it.. nothing works for me as good as the avon stuff. i don't know what i will do if she ever stops selling avon. lol
it's 11am so i'm gonna go check on my husband and see if he is awake and wants food.
its three weeks until the open enrollment for Stan's insurance.
I am nervous and dreading it and excited all at once. I have mixed feelings about some things regarding my mental health treatment and i don't know... i will just have to wait and see what happens.
anyways good day to anyone who reads this. blessings to you.
Friday, October 6, 2017
lets recap shall we?
monday--I washed the bedding and put on fresh stuff the bed feels nice and clean. i gathered up the clothes i need to get dry cleaned soon before fall. I did my laundry but didn't put it up lol.
and of course the shooting happened over night or last night or something. they arent calling him a domestic terrorist when thats obviously what he is.... they are trying to make us only associate the word terrorist with islam people and other such people... its making me sick to my stomach... its not fucking ok... like.. so mad.. so so so so so mad.
so horrible. the guy has no forseeable motives.. i think he is just a legit psychopath and decided to go human hunting. he was a high stakes gambler so maybe he was looking for the next adrenaline "rush"...
and then the bad thing--- Tom Petty died. he was so important to me. jesus.
I have made a list of my favorite songs... its really long
- "The Wild One Forever"
- "American Girl"
- "I Need To Know"
- "Listen To Her Heart"
- "You Got Lucky"
- "Free Fallin'"
- "I Won't Back Down"
- "Runnin' Down A Dream"
- "Yer So Bad"
- "Into The Great Wide Open"
- "You Don't Know How It Feels"
- "You Wreck Me"
- "It's Good To Be King"
- "Honey Bee"
- "Mary Jane's Last Dance"
tuesday--ok on tuesday i started playing pokemon sun again.. i went to the first island and got out new level one pokemon that i got from wonder trade that i never used before
wednesday--on wednesday i went to winndixie to get out of the house... i bought those really awesome "clif" protein bars that work as meal replacements. they were marked down to $1 a piece so that was good.
thursday--thursday i worked on the shopping list for sunday. kept an eye on the tropics... played pokemon some more. and i attempted to pick out a ring for christmas... i dunno.
friday--today is friday and i got up early and saw stan off to work and got ready and went to town to get some stuff.... i went to the store and attempted to buy food to replace what i had eaten
looking ahead--on saturday stan has to go to marion, al for a interview for a story.. and he wont be back until... like.. dinner time. but he doesnt go until after lunch. so he can sleep in.
the game is away and i dont suppose we will do anything this weekend.
on sunday (if the tropical storm/hurricane nate doesnt ruin it-- if it hits the gulf coast of alabama and is bad he will have to go down there. he is scared and i am trying to be understanding but i just.. dont see what there is to be scared of. not with a storm thats less than a cat 3. i dont know.. maybe i am just talking out my ass because i've never stood in one but i dont think i would have that much trouble staying at the coast when a storm hit. unless it was a 3 or 4 or 5. i guess its normal to fear things.. maybe my not fearing things is a bad thing because i am careless with my life? idek whatever)
after we go to the storage unit we have to go to the radio station so stan can do stuff for work. we might go to the mall (if stan wants to look for clothes for him) ... other wise we will go to walmart and i will get some clothes and other necessities that are really important.. we might get stuff at walmart that is cold and ... i dunno we have to work out the logistics of when we can go where to keep things from meting or going bad in the car. i really dont like the idea of going to winndixie or walmart and then taking the groceries up the elevator to the station and putting them in the fridge there and then taking them back down. it just seems like an unnecessary hassle to me when you could just work around it. i mean... what am i missing here? i dont get it
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Here's the weekly report lol
MONDAY SEPT 25, 2017:
Back to the grind. Stan goes back to work and am at home doing random stuff. I started unpacking the stuff from the vacation... i hung up as much clothes as possible but i ran out of hangers (mom went to nana and pawpaws and got me more hangers so we didn't have to buy any)
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 27, 2017
I woke up really early.. at 4:45am... the concert was tuesday night an it was awesome.
halfway done with my book for therapy! look at my baby girl! she's a princess (and she sheds reallllllllly bad) this is my...
so the weekend get away was great. we gave decided to do that more often. it was really good for us. mentally and emotionally and as a coupl...
So... The festival was yesterday. And we had bad luck with the shepards hill place again. I tried it last year and didn't sell anything....
I have finally gotten all the Christmas cards we plan to send ready. Now I gotta get to post office. They will probably be late but I tried ...