Sunday, April 30, 2017

To storm or not to storm

They keep expecting severe weather because it's that time of the year... And everybody is walking on pins and needles because of the April 27 tornado outbreak...
But they are they are exaggerating it to make sure people get to a safe place. and I guess they have the right to after what happened..
But I like storms and i keep getting let down when nothing happens and everybody thinks I'm a horrible person because I keep hoping for storms.

Plus Stan has to go out and do reporting journalism things if something big happens so I feel like a piece of shit wanting storms to  come that might put my husband in danger.

#thestruggleisreal yall Okay thanks

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

wednesday wednesday wednesday

so today i have my "treatment update" appointment that happens once a year. and i had to pay $160 to tell the guy that i am depressed and anxious and they cant give me the meds i need and i am only going to be with them through the fall... and then i'm going to see a real psychiatrist.

i think i want to go to Trivia on friday with stan. i want to meet him for dinner and and go... hopefully it wont be the same again. stan says he is going to ask Bo Hicks if they are having a band play afterwards this friday and if not i will go. if they are i wont go. because it just... they are rushed to get it done.

on sunday stan has to go to huntsville for work.

i'm talking to julie again and i feel really good about it.
she said she will come see me next week on thursday or friday... i feel weird that somebody would take time out of their day to see me. i dont feel like i deserve it. i'm not that important. it makes me feel guilty.


i'm reading Angela's Ashes and it took me a while to get used to the way he writes but i like it.
i'm playing pokemon X and trying to make it mean more this time.. trying to remember and really get into it...
i have two books from the bookrack to read and then dad has some stephen king he wants me to read
i still want to go to the library and get harry potter and read all the harry potter books

we gotta get the house clean for the crawlfish boil... so much to do... i cant talk about how nervous i am because it bothers stan... and i want these people to come here i really do but i am so scared about them judging us. it makes me paranoid as hell.

now im going to play pokemon

Saturday, April 22, 2017

it was an eventful friday

so on friday they do TRIVIA at the pub/brewery and stan likes to go so i decided i should meet him in town for dinner and we could go to trivia together..
i havent driven that much lately and definitely not in traffic.... and saturday is A day game which means all the peoples comes to tuscaloosa. so traffic was even worse than normal.
SO my mom had this idea that they could drive and take me into town and we could meet up with stan and part ways and do our own things.. so we did that.. mom and dad drove me to town and we browsed around OZ music until stan got off work
then me and stan went to Mr. Chen's for chinese food and mom and dad went somewhere else for dinner..

stan got sesame shrimp and i got chicken fried rice.... it was so good.. so so good
then we went to family dollar and got candy to eat during trivia
.... all these places are pretty much in the same shopping center.. lol so it was nice to not have to drive around

then we went to trivia and it was ....okay i guess.
i felt extremely out of place
people either didnt talk to me or talked to me too much and it made me feel weird
i got to see some friends i hadnt seen since the vodka vomit incident ... i hadnt shown my face since then. and i still feel like i shouldnt have... i felt like it was too much too soon.
and stan invited people to the crawlfish boil on his birthday...its okay to have alex and sagen... but stan invited some other people and... yeah
i wish he had talked to me about it before he asked them because now i have to think about cleaning the house and making things look appropriate and nice because people are coming that i dont really know that well
and the anxiety of having to do all this shit to make things nice for these people and.. yeah... and my mom is going to be weird about the house being clean when she finds out these random people are coming

so i have a high stress april and may coming up trying to clean the house up and the yard... and the fire pit!!! so much shit to do we have all this clutter in the dining room that has to go before the crawlfish boil and yeah... just yeah

... no sign of relief from anxiety at all... no way to make it better.... no medication i have helps.. so i am coping any way i can.
it might not be the best ways but it works for me. i dont have any other way.

and thats that.


i've been playing pokemon x ... i restarted it and i'm glad i did
i'm reading a light drama romance novel to ease my mind ... reading hard core Stephen King while all this shit is going on really drained me emotionally.

so... yeah.. that all thats happened.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

blah blah blah

i'm just trying to make it day to day right now.
a lot of bad things have happened to my family lately and i cant shake the bad feels and i cant fix it either so i just have to try and make it through.

There are a lot of boiled eggs left over from easter that i am happily eating

though i am not eating them as much as i could. i keep forgetting they are there

i am watching the pokemon xy show and trying to finish it... then i have restarted pokemon x and want to play it through and pay attention to it this time. i wasnt really paying attention last time i cant even tell you the names of towns or half the new pokemon.
i also restart pokemon sun because i feel like i could play it again like it was a new game

i'm reading stephen king's insomnia and i like it... its just a really long book... over 700 pages.
i am almost done with it though

then i can read something lighter and take a break
i didnt eat dinner last night
i just didnt want to leave the bedroom


i dont know.. i feel like.. i cant really.. i dont know..nothing is worth doing

i have an appoitment on april 26 and stan cant go with me to pay it and that means he has to give me money which means he is going to be weird and untrusting the whole time and even though he says he trusts me i know he doesnt and i can feel it in his vibes and i cant handle it i hate it... but i have done things to make myself unworthy of trust so i have to deal with it anyways

i dont know what else to talk about

i am going to watch pokemon now

Friday, April 14, 2017

thing just keep getting worse

on top of the bad stuff that i cant talk about yet
my dad got let go from the job he just got over some bullshit reasons that pretty much add up to they hired younger people and would preffer the younger people working instead of my dad.
thats pretty much what it is
but they wont say it
so now dad is back looking for jobs.. and he only has 3 more severance pay checks left coming in
so unfortunately the worst we feared is happening... and stan is going to have to support my entire family somehow..
and the burden being placed on him isnt fair and i hate it and i dont want it but he took it willingly and of his own decision and i cant stop him from doing it

we are sad because we were going to celebrate this saturday and cook out and drink and play cards but no
no
now we dont know what we are doing

stan isnt going to trivia tonight because of all thats going on

on saturday stan is taking me to the book rack for more books to read
and also to walmart to get some towels and wash clothes for us to use because we are fighting over the ones at the house and its just easier if we have our own

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

so a lot has happened

and a lot of it i wont talk about
what has happened is stan got a car/suv and lots of paper work was done and it made me really anxious like i could not even.. just... no. i shut down and nothing was happening
but apparently everything is okay and we just have to wait for things to go through and what not


 i dont know

this morning one of our dogs drug up a possum that had been hit by a car and was half dead.
and turns out the thing had babies succling for milk and the whole process was very.. we had to kill the mother possum she was half dead and the babies were.... they were i dont know. i feel bad. i feel really bad.
it makes me sad. we did a bad thing we really did.. and

and this is on top of other stuff that i wont talk about
and it was 3:33 while i was typing this

i have really bad feelings about things right now...
really bad.

i cant even.... i need to find the light.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

happy birthday to me -- tomorrow

i completely forgot my birthday was happening tomorrow. lol it didnt even register in my head
.. stan got my ALL THE HARRY POTTER MOVIES ON BLU RAY and a box of zebra cakes (my favorite little debbie snack)
and the card was just.... perfect.
it was perfect.
and some spending money on top of all that.
i didnt expect it at all
i was completely un aware anything was happening lol

and now apparently my parents are giving me a gift too
so wtf
i dont even know what to do
i dont need anything
stan makes sure that i am well taken care of and dont need anything

i dont like receiving gifts... it makes me feel bad.. like i dont deserve them at all please just dont...
.. i dont know...

stan say he will probably be in the worst possible mood ever tomorrow-- and thats why he gave my my gift today.

this weekend we will watch harry potter and lay in bed and eat popcorn

i'm reading a book that stan recommended (GOOD OMENS by  Neil Gaimen and Terry Pratchett) and its like palahniuk and i like that a lot.. it written by two people... i will read more of there stuff obviously... all i do is read
anyways.. this book is GOOD... like... makes me wanna highlight and tag with page markers good. and that is a compliment. a huge compliment coming from a bookworm.

i got mom to cut my hair and now i dont have to spend 30 mins in the shower washing and detangling the long ass mess that was my hair
AND i wont get as hot this summer because i'm not lugging around a mass of hair.

the storms didnt happen today at all
but it sure as hell is windy like bad windy
wind advisory windy

i want to be reading now but i cant focus to do it so i'm blogging instead lol

i need to get back into pokemon
i took a break while we were moving so i could focus on the move. i didnt want to get distracted. and now i want to play... i might restart pokemon XY because i dont remember the plot at all and that bothers me.

okay now i'm done i think maybe

the wind outside though... it creepy bad. seriously.

so they think the sky is falling today

and everything is closing and cancelling because they dont want a repeat of the last tornado outbreak

but i'm pretty sure that the fact that they are doing all this freaking out is a tell that they are going to be wrong.

i think it might happen south and east of here. but not here. and they still cancelled and closed everything.

my dad is going into work but his job involves driving around and installing security systems so that is kind of a no go in this weather... they might keep him at the office or send him home. we dont know.

stan has to go into work even though they closed the university of alabama because he is the news and news goes on.

i'm sitting here thinking i might get a lot of reading done today
right now the line of storms is right below us and streaming a train line of storms but its not moving north enough to get here so... but as soon as dad and stan drive south to go to the work and they are hitting it hard.


so we shall see, i guess
we have lots of candles and what not

Sunday, April 2, 2017

its been 3 years

its been three years since i had my first date with stan
we went to the place we had our first date--- los tarascos... and i ordered the same thing we got then.. a cheese quesadilla with mushrooms.
after that we went to walmart and got me two bras and a shirt and some other stuff...
i ran into julie and jessicas mom and introduced stan to them for the first time.

i almost made stan get my dairy queen ice cream on the way home but i didnt lol

now we are at home. mom and dad went to town after church and got the grill/smoker they were wanting from lowes.
dad is putting it together now.

stan and i just cleaned out his car and i am going to read a bit in my book. im having trouble keeping up with who is who but that is okay i guess..it will get easier the more i read