Wednesday, December 30, 2015
The christmas vacay was okay and not okay buy also okay.
with my anxiety and ocd being as bad as its gotten i couldn't really ask for much more.
I have an appointment with my new therapist on jan 6th
and a week or two after that I see my psych but i have a feeling they might want me to come in and try to see her earlier than that because of how bad off i am.
its weird to be happy and so very not happy at the same time.
if i could stay home and avoid the world and not have to talk to anybody when i did go out i would be fine.
but thats not how the world works
i am sick today.. and got sick on the way home last night... i went to bed trying not to vomit and it wasnt indigestion related it was.. i guess it was cold/flu related but i dont think i have the flu because i have been able to get up and move around too much
i went and got lilly this morning from mom and dadas and she is at home and we are both glad she is here. and she is glad too. we missed our baby
i am reading Pride and Prejudice and also a book on symbolism and hidden meaning in everything
I'm almost done with this green journal and stan got me a new one to use next while we were in KY.. it has a print of a Dali painting on it so I am really excited about it.. i will post photos of it when i start to use it
I cleaned up my planner and took out the xmas vacay pages and most of december and it is a tad bit slimmer but then i added february and made it bulky again lol
projects for 2016???
--read 50 books
--lose 15 more pounds (i gained like.. 4 on vacation so blah)
--keep doing my daily log and planner
--stay in therapy
--eat more fruit and less crackers/pretzels
--write to Karen via snail mail again
--keep up with my online friends more
--go to the NHS band alumni gatherings and try to socialize (keep in mind that these people are people i've known for years and i should not be afraid of them)
--do some art journaling to relax
--color in my coloring books that i have so many of!!!!!
-- visit my cousin April and other family members that i never get to see but love so much
--get back in touch with Julie and Jess
--get back in touch with some people from the old days just to check on them and see how they're doing because, as usual, i still care about everyone ever. even if they dont like me. its one of my biggest flaws i think.
i am getting drowsy again
so i guess i will go...
lol i havent even taken my latuda yet and im falling asleep
Friday, December 25, 2015
Taking a moment to update this blog and say happy holidays or whatever.. Also testing out the new swipe keyboard on this tablet that. Mom gave me.
Also... I need to make a note here to remind myself to take photos of all the gifts of gotten and the clothes Stan bought me recently.
Also remember to buy two dirty Santa gifts for the Reynolds Christmas
Monday, December 21, 2015
i've been really exhausted lately on top of everything so the time i would be doing this i am probably sleeping
see everyone next year i guess
Thursday, December 17, 2015
I don't wanna post any details about the movie because nobody spoiled it for me and i dont wanna do that to anyone.. but let me say that it was amazing and the theater wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Then again i did double up on my Buspar (the only thing i take for anxiety because the clinic sucks balls and cant give me anything for acute panic attacks )
We ate at chic-fil-a and it was ridiculous good. I had grilled nuggets and small waffle fries. It gave me some pretty bad gas though... but I'm not surprised. . Every time I eat fast food of any kind i gat some kind of upset stomach pretty bad.
Im attempting to update this on the galaxy tablet my parents gave me but I'm still not used to the typing yet. I might download a swype keyboard on here and try that. This is fine too but its definitely going to take me a while to get used to the spacing of the letters.
So yeah... i saw a starwars movie on opening night, boo yah.
Now im gonna go read ebooks in the dark until I can fall asleep
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
then i went to the mall *le gasp* and sent $20 of my $50 gift card on.. 3 slouchie beanie hats in more colors and 2 sets of bracelets and a pair of a earrings... yeah
then i went to target and hit the dollarspot area... i got three things of page flags-- each is different... a cute floral sticky note thing that i had wanted before but wouldnt let myself have. i also got some mechanical pencils because i am down to just two and i keep almost losing them.. i need them for my food log lol
andddd i got some Darth vader socks to replace the ones i sent to Karen..
then i went to dollar general next to the thrift store and bought like FOUR LIST PADS they were AWESOME ok totally worth it-- i might gift them to people .. i will take photos soon
then i went to dollar tree and walked around forever and picked out a pair of pants that are slightly too small but i will lose weight to make them fit and then i will be done..
my goal jeans ended up fitting me sooner than i planned so i had to do something.. and i wasnt about to spend a fuckton on jeans... i spent $2.99 lol yayayay
this morning Stan went by the post office
and stood in line and he had to wait for ever and i fell really bad.. really really badddd..
but atleast the shipping wasnt as much as i thought it would be!!
now i will wait to see how happy Karen is when she gets it.. i hope she likes it.. i wish i could have sent so so so so much more.. i might send more later. i just have so many people... i dont know... ahhhh my brain is exploding
Monday, December 14, 2015
ALSO NEXT WEEK WE LEAVE FOR KENTUCKY
now that i've gotten that out of the way---
on saturday morning me went to my parents house out in the woods and it was amazing... we had to have our christmas with them early because we wont be here when it happens and we had to give gifts .... and yeah... mom and dad and them gave up way way wayway more than i expected so i feel like a fucking piece of shit now
but i dont want to make stan pay for gifts to my family in the first place-- i should be doing that... atleast contributing but im not and i want to fucking die inside over it
i hate not having something.. anything.. i dont know.. maybe if the festival in april goes well... maybe somebody will buy stuff in kentucky next week. i dont know.. i just.. something has to change or i'm going to spiral into some kind of self loathing piece of shit depression because i have no way to be responsible for anything and it makes me want to die
AND NOW THAT THATS OUT OF THE WAY
i have a lot of chores to do today...
i havent updated my blog in a while but i wanted to wait until i had a lot to day.
my dad and mom gave me mom's old Samsung Galaxy tablet which is fucking amazing and i'm going to use it to read books on even though i said i would never use a ebook reader but lets face it.... i already carrying enough SHIT with me with my planner and clothes and make up when we are travelling i dont need to carry 5 books with me on top of that. ok
plus i can use it for some internet things.... its easier for me to type on than my phone so i might use it to update my blog on the go--- and just leave my computer here all christmas vacay-- yeah i think i will. that would be a lot less to carry. like, ALOT LESS... since tablet and phone use same charger...tablet fits in purse with phone
i wont need a computer case
this is looking more and more good
even though nothing will ever replace my beloved chromebook because i love having my keyboard
i will never ever give up having at least one device that has a real keyboard
i started the towels in the dryer to make them warm and soft and i put in the clothes we need to wash. i am going to put up the xmas decoration that i took down last night because of the high wind.. then unload the dishwasher... i should work on some xmas jewelry projects and or sort my jewelry.. also wash the dishes in the sink and wipe down the entire kitchen really good.. stove and microwave and everything.... busy busy busy housewife life day it's 8:40am lets get moving
i really did get shit done today!
i put up the towels, the clothes are in the dryer ready to be put up-- i washed the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher... signed like.. 50 christmas cards. finished a necklace... prepped to make the next one and ran to the store for extra supplies to make it awesome...
and tonight i wrote out a card to Sherri and packed up Karen's happy christmas mail package of awesomes... stan is going to take them tomorrowwwwww to the post office
stan is amazing and i cant find enough ways to express my gratitude... he gives me so much and i have nothing to give back... except taking care of him and loving him.. i feel useless... i want to buy him things and surprise him with stuff and i cant ... it hurts my soul not being able to give to people... it gives me very very bad feelings.. i think people think i say i dont like getting gifts as a way to be all "look at me i'm humble you should give me more" but i REALLY DONT LIKE IT OKAY SERIOUSLY ITS NOT FUN FOR ME
my brain hurts
i took a shower today and my hair is AWESOMEEEEE
my friend Jessy secret santa'd me a replacement lisa frank pen =X just more gifts that i feel guilty about getting ughhhhh
i am so grateful but jeeeze people i cant really ... just.... wtf... dhgojaehrbdgoljaerbdf
Friday, December 11, 2015
i found out today that the plans for our SUPER EARLY CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION with my parents tomorrow is going to be fucked up because my mom has to go the the mental hospital where nana is and have a meeting with her doctor. to be fair-- this time she didnt do anything bad, she chose to admit herself while she was getting her medication adjusted. its probably the most responsible thing she has done in a long time. and i think its because of the bipolar magazine she has started reading each month and talking to me.
here lately i am wondering if im bipolar at all... i'm so depressed.. most everything seems to be related to anxiety and ocd and eating problems and body image and self esteem
but i know that as soon as spring gets here i am going to be batshit happy happy go go go and i need to remind myself that two winters ago, the one right before i started seeing Stan--- i was so depressed i didnt get out of bed most days. it was seriously bad. last year was better i had gotten on new meds and what not... but something about this years winter downtime slope is really getting to me... it gets dark so early.. i want to go to bed at 5pm and a lot of the time I DO go to bed at 6 or so.
i'm not withdrawing from caffeine, i am sure of that, so that is not the issue
the other possibility other than seasonal bipolar mood swing and or SAD is that i really never found out if my thyroid is ok and my grandmother was a nurse she felt of my neck and look at me an said she thinks i need to get my thyroid looked at.... she has had trouble with hers since forever. and my greatgrandma had something really bad happen with hers but i cant remember what it was exactly.
im guessing my mom might not be as over weight as she is if she looked into her thyroid and hormones, mom has always had issues with stuff like that but never took the time to care for herself
i guess thats where i get that character trait from---
its almost 7pm
i was asleep from 11 am until 1pm and then again for an hour or so ... and now i am laying here and i want to sleep more.
everything is so exhausting. mentally and emotionally. not always physically but sometimes that too. mostly just emotionally and mentally. though i am sure some people are wondering how you get emotionally exhausted.... its a thing i swear.
I talked to Alaina yesterday and she and I are going to take time to use google hangouts and chat via webcam because we totally always wanted to do that but never really got to and i KEEP FORGETTING THAT I CAN DO THAT NOW ANYTIME I WANT TOOOO lol
i should do this with my other girlfriend Jo if she can get a computer and do it
but Alaina and I... dude, she is something amazing... she went from alcoholic passing out waking up in hospital er rooms to... she's getting her doctorate in psych something or nothing.. like... she is legit the miracle case that you read about... she is the person who write and sells award winning memoirs--- and she plans to. she also said i would be in it.. she has come so fucking far. one sheer will power.
i am so proud to call her a friend. i want to visit her someday. just me. so was can really spend time together. i know travelling alone is going to be hard for me but i think if i can do it---- it would be brave. and she is worth it. she is so inspiring.
i am going to either read some of my next books now--- "the grey king" book number 4 in the dark is rising sequence... or write in my little journal notebooks about my anxiety/ocd/ed/depression for my new therapist.. its serious going to be the thing that gets me through the holidays...
tomorrow i pack up everything--- cookies, cake, gifts, herc, clothes, books, planner --- everything but Lilly because she is staying home since we will only be there for one night and i dont want to stress her out over one night when just two weeks from now she will be having to go to her Nana and pawpaws house and stay there without me for almost two weeks.
and we are having our christmas thing tomorrow
and i dunno
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
i got up and did the morning routine and then washed dishes and wiped down the counter and tidyd up the bathroom counter a tiny bit but probably not enough to notice...
i went to the thrift store and bought things for myself and i shouldnt have done that because i need to save my money for important things... i dont know when i will get more money.. maybe never
i came home and made a necklace and started up the beginnings of the other one... and then i got in the shower and i didnt WANT TO GET OUT IT FELT SO GOOD
can i just have an endless supply of hot water and sit there for a few hours please.. it felt like heaven
after that i.... well, i moisturized! hard core! lots of cocoa butter lotion.... i smell like chocolate
i just got on the bike for like.. three minutes... i would have done longer but my mp3 player was dead dead dead and i got bored
its charged now and i will get back on it again later i think
it felt good to exercise.. i had a bit of trouble breathing for a while after wards but i got it under control and the longer slow breaths calmed me down
i want to badly to finish this book ughhh its taking forever and i dont even know why
oh yay i just finished it woooo
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
i always felt better when i ate chicken at night-- the next day always seemed easier
i have this turkey here but it makes me SLEEPYYYY
i ate a candy bar today LE GASP it was a ZERO BAR AND IT WAS MAGINIFICENT
it was only 400 calories though
and i had eaten nothing but yogurt before that... so it was my lunch
my snacks today are cheese its and apples... like three apples... they are really tiny though... so good... i have to eat them before they go bad... i hate wasting food it drives me insane...
i need to write down a list of my little ticks/ocd symptoms weird shit... i need stan to help me.. i know writing them down and acknowledging them is going to be important.. and making changes to fix the ones that hinder and hurt my quality of life is the step i need to take... along with changing meds... and also getting on disability
i cleaned out my therapy binder and its ready for going back to therapy in january
i am trying to get my shit together for the holidaze in general and i am failing miserably i still need to sort all my god damn jewelry before we go to KY
i am really glad we might be getting a hotel room because that will feel clean and new and have less clutter to mess with my energy...
it will be calming to sleep in a bare room and i need that while we are doing all this stuff
i am now attempting to finish this book im reading i hope i can do it tonight... i need to get another one down dang it
i dont think i will finish this book tonight.. sigh
i wish i could read faster but i dont want to speed read and not remember shit that makes me sad =/
i ate three apples earlier, right? well my stomach has been going nuts ever since lol reallly weird and gross and do not want
i want to sleep.....i am so tired all the damn time its not fair
Monday, December 7, 2015
this week i need to clean, bake on thursday for the weekend.. make a necklace or two.... wrap gifts for the weekend... ummm.... try not to eat everything in the house because i am a fat ass piece of shit
i need to finish this book an start another one ASAP because i'm startng to think there is no way in hell i am going to meet my goodreads.com book challenge goal =X
okay so i went to IR and found out some stuff... its way too complicated to type out and i need to save my energy explaining it for when i tell Stan later... i went there and then went to the store for a bit but ... well, dollar trees bathroom isnt working AGAIN and i had to leave there because it was either leave and go pee somewhere or piss myself.. so i didnt get anything i was need to at dollar tree which was going to be the stuff to wrap presents and shit... fun. i am buying this shit with MY christmas money. that is supposed to be for ME
love my life man
i came home and ate some turkey that has been in the fridge since thanksgiving and promply PASSED THE FUCK OUT. does tryptophan work in turkey thats been cooked and saved up like that? i dont know but it was the best sleep.. i think i will start eating it with my latuda so i can go to bed!!! lol
i am still really sleepy...the IR trip was really hard for me... i talked to a therapist... a new person i've never met... and i cried and told things that i didnt want to tell
i am going to have my meds changed and shit again soon but its for OCD this time
i want to sleeeeeep so tired i feel like the life is just gone from me
Friday, December 4, 2015
fantastic friday, bitches!
out of shower... eating apples and aboug to dry my hair. want to find a place i can eat out today without losing my mind so we can have a legit date day =X gonna try really hard ok thanks
we are going to see Brian's parents and talk to them and stuff around noon... =( an then going to eat
today we have to get some shopping done for xmas or we will never get it done!!!
and this weekend we need to sign christmas cards!!!!! like A LOT OF THEM. IMMEDIATELY. im starting to panic inside really bad. signing them is the part we can do ahead of time-- the rest we will do when we give them out... since they are all going to be the same
next weekend we will go to my parents house for our little xmas and we need to use their computer to print the save the dates to put in the cards and then we will be set. i just have to remember to get that done while we are there. luckily the file is saved on my google drive so i can get it anywhere #googleowns
ok hair dry time i guess
ok my outfit is fucking sweeeeeeeeet i wish i could get a good photo of it maybe by the end of the day i will
ok we got back early from shopping and had to crash i dont know what thefuck happened but i was so tired i coulnt move or talk i have been asleep for like... four hours straight and woke up just now... i have to take my medcine but after that i am done.. my head feels like its going to explode.headache.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
i went and actually bought myself some much needed clothes.. though they seem redundant but I layer my clothes so i need camisoles under my shirts and i like to match and they are $2 a pop at walmart so i got almost every color.... except the ones that i really have no need for ever.
i got a second black one because i wear black the most. and i got a cream colored one to wear with the stuff that is brown sometimes instead of the white white one... its just a softer color
i got two shirts and one of them costed more than the other because its thicker and better made .. i didnt get the ones that i thought i would because when i looked at them i didnt see me wearing them much except for december so i decided not to waste money on clothes i wouldnt wanna wear year round
so i got stuff that is not holiday oriented
uhhhh i also refurbished and decorated a $1 planner from dollar tree with duct tape and other tape and post its and yeah... i am addicted to this shit lol
today just went all to hell over some trivial shit dealing with food portions and my eating disorder making me insane and i just didnt eat at all. it was easier than trying to and being upset about not knowing how many calories because i dont have a food scale
but that gave me time to zone out and star at the wall and reboot
and then i read the rest of "A ring of endless light"
that book made me me... along with the dark is rising.. i think that "support your local wizard" book that i read of dad's is going to be the same way.. i gotta get it next time we are up there... i have so many books to read so many many bookkkkks
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
but i did buy some christmas stuff and that makes me very happy
i just had a shit fit because instagram flipped out and wouldnt let me use it so i un install and re install and its fine... fucking IG.... conspiracy shit i bet they are i don tknow.. whatever
lol jk im not that paranoid
these garlic parmesan triscuits are my new fav cracker... they are worth the extra money imo... they takes so much better andd i dont know they are just superior
tomorrow i might go by indian rivers or just wait until monday.. i think i will call and see if the pharmacy will definitely be open on monday and then decide because i HAVE to get my latuda on monday- its the last day i of what i have
i need to get off my ass and do chores. i want to read but i procrastinated so much i have to start doing shit ok thank i need to be a good house wife maybe santa will give me lots of lovin this christmas .... and i dont mean gifts lololol sorry i think my sex drive is coming back a bit and its very exciting... =X
the rain is gone but no sunshine just yettt
oh right the chores brb
i did lots of choresssssss yayayayayay
and we got some of this weekends planning laid out
and talked about christmas gifts for people
now i am taking stock in my books to read and i am very pleasedddd
so here are photos of my planner and plannergoodies and books i plan to read and what notttt
also bookmarks from my awesome friend Karen yayayayayayay they are the best bookmarks too!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
happy holidays motha fuckas
in the mean time.... on facebook---Stan Ingold: then just take some time, read, watch something, chill a little bit
Tabitha Leigh Reynolds: read, watch something, chill a little bit, eat all the little debbie cakes, kick a wall, toss a chair, you know the usual
i am joking i hope you know
Stan Ingold: minus the kicking and tossing
Tabitha Leigh Reynolds: can i flip a table -- just one table-- please
Stan Ingold: one of the little ones in the living room
Tabitha Leigh Reynolds: woooooooooo