Thursday, August 27, 2015
now i have to fill this up with planning shit
i already have my bridesmaids picked out
i have an idea about their dresses--- which will be versatile and wearable on all frames and figures of the ladies-- dark purple, plum. accessories in gold and emerald i will make the earrings and necklaces and bracelets obviously
and yes i know this is mardi gras colors but thats not why we chose them
purple (we are using PLUM as the base) is royalty and also the color of spirit in wiccan beliefs
emerald green is earth and abundance and growth--- darker shades of green- none of the yellowy looking stuff
gold is .. well, stan's name is INgold
and i like the colors together
i will be accepting various shades of of purple and green because i dont want to have a hard time finding stuff. so i have a color palate with shades of colors that are good
anyways this is just a jumping off point
i have to focus on the FESTIVAL THAT IS CREEPING UP ON MY BUTT.. SEPT 12... ITS GONNA BE HERE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE AND IM NOT READY YETTTT
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
oh ye of little faith-- i did a huge spell for luck in the wee hours of saturday morning and i was hold the charm i made from the stuff from the spell in my hand and rubbing it between my fingers when i won
so get off me folks im a witch
i drank like, two orange juice and vodkas and i fell asleep instantly when we got to the car and slept most of the ride home. and then crashed and sleep all night lol my medicine does not mix with alcohol very well
stan met us at my parents house when we got back because i forgot my medicine for sunday like a DUMB ASS
so we slept at my parents house saturday night, stan finally got to sleep.
but on saturday evening, while we were at the casino he was at the APR Public Radio Pub thing at Druid City Brewery and apparently the owner DEFINITELY wanted me to make earring for him to sell in the pub.
as a matter of fact, when stan stopped by monday after work the guy PAID IN FULL FOR HIS ORDER BEFORE EVEN GETTING PRODUCT FROM ME
he did see samples of what i plan to make so i guess he was okay with it?
i feel guilty because i have this money and i havent made any thing yet =(
today stan is working late because he interviewed Ted Cruz-- i dont even really know who that is but apparently its a big deal and Stan is a big deal and i love him being a big deal and #braggingrights and shit and ok thanks bye
tomorrow i am going to the store for caffeine pills because i am sleepy a lot again and i refuse to sleep through my days. im not depressed anymore i just get weird drowsy feelings and sleep... though i do usually sleep for like 30 min-1hr and wake up feeling like i slept forever and am really disoriented... but if i dont GET UP AND MOVE i will fall asleep again for another set of deep sleep
its not the kind of sleep that feels good either though its like... sick hot uncomfortable sleep
i dont know what else to say about it... i'd rather just NOT SLEEP AT ALL DURING THE DAY if thats possible
there was something else i was going to get but i cant remember what it is...
ohoh i know it was more smooth move tea
i am going to and write in my real journal and or read a book and then go to bed
Friday, August 21, 2015
it kind of sucks being an empath and hyper sensitive but i select my friends carefully because i know i cant handle caring about too many people because i care too much when i become friends with a person i cant shut it off.. so i have to select who i want to be friends with and its weird
my cousin April is having a hard time and i am praying for her so much i love her
and my great aunt alice on my mom's side of the family just had heart surgery and she is not recovering well and its going to break my nana's heart if she dies and i liked Aunt Alice too so its like god damn it what the fuck
and then Jessica finally tells me everything that is going on with Nathan and his parents and their situation and oh my god i just want to god meet these people and punch them in the fucking face like they NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP THEY ARE ADULTS
and then Sherri...oh my god sherri i cant even ... the anger i have towards the people that are doing her wrong is so strong it is cold and hard.. that situation she is in makes me want to. i dont even know... i want to drive down there and tell these people off and it might come to that, i have so many reasons and they all synchronize an i just need to calm down because i will explode
aaaaaand stan left this morning for Mobile so he can get in a question with Donald Trump.. thats... a big deal
and so he is staying down there tonight and coming back saturday
i will be ready for the casino trip when he gets back and he will come home an take me to meet them and i will go with them and he will come home and sleep
its just too much to do for him with his pain and i understand i just hope gordon understands
soo i have done up some green baggies for taking good luck charms and such
and working on that today..
and im looking at what sign the moon is in tomorrow and im going to do a tarot reading tonight and yep i am in the zone totally
going to the store to get cigarettes (two packs for $5 cant beat it, i love this guy who has this gas station right here next to the apartment)
then i need to eat and do shit .. i definitely need to eat
so im gonna watch practical magic and do some readings and go to bed i guess i dunno i need to read maybe i will do that
tomorrow i am getting ready and stan is coming back home and immediately taking me to meet my parents so i can go with them to the casino for my brothers birthday.. stan is so tired that he doesnt want to go and i can understand that what with his legs and pain and i just feel bad for him coming home and having to drive me out there to meet them so i can ride with them
and i am going to take good luck charms and its game on
my parents house got hit by lightning yesterday so they need money to replace the under ground fence for the dogs and the satellite internet and i dont even know what else... may luck be on our side saturday night.
anyways i need to go now before it gets dark
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
here have random photo of my daily log
Thursday, August 13, 2015
i went to mom and dads on monday to visit them and see mom for her birthday, which was august 11th
i gave her her stuff... talked to Kim who was there... talked lots and lots had lots of fun too. just being around people is fun now... i am so happy with my medicine right nowww ahhhh
some storms came through and knocked out the power in the evening so we went a few hours without any AC and oh my god i think i almost dieddddddd. jesus.
i couldnt sleep until the power came back on and the AC kicked in and cooled the rooom down--- another reason i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know this was going to be a problem but it was --- there was no fan making white noise to drown out that humming i hear when its silent... its so deafening and overwhelming i cant stand it .... so i need a noise machine.. fans work good..
on wednesday morning i got up and texted april a few times but she didnt answer and i was like.... well shit maybe she doesnt want me to come... but turns out the messages never even made it to her.. and im so glad i called because jesus... can you imagine the drama at family gatherings if we never made up and figured out what had happened because she was sitting there thinks i didnt want to see her! stupid technologyyy grrrr
so i left in the afternoon and went to her house and we talked and talked and talked and i told her my whole life story... it was weird to finally tell someone everything... but it felt good. she laughed with me at the insane things that happened.. i love April.. she is the closest thing i have to a sister.. and i asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding!!! so now i have her, and im going to ask Julie and Jessica. and if Gordon is still dating Krista.. she will be too (unless she doesnt want to... which is possible.. ive never seen her wear anything but jeans and a tshirt.. lol i would understand if she didnt want to, its not a big deal i just wanted to offer that if it was something that tickled her fancy or something)
i slept on the couch at aprils because i know i talk in my sleep and kick and stan says sometimes he wonders if im possessed by a spirit or something cause i say weird shit like... lolololololol anyways!!!! i just didnt want to scare her with my weird sleep issues.
i got up and left her house when she took her oldest to school that morning... it was her 3rd day of school ever... kindergarten ... seeing April with her little ones just makes me want a family even more
then i went to walmart and then to see my PawPaw and surprise him.. and nana called while i was there so i talked to her on the phone.. she is staying with her sister, Aunt Alice, because alice is very very very sick and might die in the next few days if she doesnt have heart surgery and it go well... so prayers, people, prayers.
anyways about the baby thing
i know we have to wait and see what our genes and dna are like, and THEN the issue of getting on safe medications... but... its going to be worth it. i have grown so much and changed and i just.. i want to have a baby.. i dont think i will ever feel complete if i dont. i dont think i could...handle not.. i dont know .... im so emotional about this... i want to raise a child and show them the world ... with open mind and curiousity...and watch them experience all these little things in life as they grow and i am crying thinking about it... i cant believe i ever convinced myself i didnt want a kid.... when its all that i ever did really want. my mother was so amazing and my dad and.. i just.. i want to do this... i need to.. i have to.. if i cant i dont know what i will do... i guess we will adopt but it would be so amazing to have one of our own.
im gonna stop bawling now... ok thank
on a completely different note--
friday we are meeting at New Orleans Bar & Grill here in town to celebrate my PawPaws 80th birthday!!!!
80 years old... i sure hope i got some of THOSE genes haha. its gonna beeee.. mom and dad and me and stan and pawpaw and nana and gordon and maybe krista.. maybe kim too
i am so excited to see nana and pawpaw... though i saw pawpaw on the way home
also gonna eat some good foodsssss
the NEXT week is gordons birthday week and we are going to the casino that saturdayyyyyyy
okayokay i gotta stop now... but life is good and im reading books and doing house work and chuggin along just find like a little train
i am so happy and so blessed and i need to take time to be grateful and remember how far ive come and be GRATEFUL DAMN IT
Friday, August 7, 2015
I can't sleep so I thought I would blog for once. I'm still reading a lot. Also cooking and baking. And making jewelry. I am definitely doing better now that I have this extra 20mg of Prozac.
Which leads me to.... Looking at the risks involved with having a baby while on medication because I really honestly do want a to raise a child. And I want to do it with Stan. I want to have a family.
So time is ticking you know. I'm not that Young anymore... Sigh.
But I definitely want to be in a house and have my medical bills paid off first...And I hate that its my bills that are holding us back. I hate it. I makes me want to punch myself in the face. Like I'm so mad at....ugh ....ugh ugh ugh. Fml.
tomorrow I am getting up early.. Taking a shower. Baking a strawberry pie. And we are packing up and going to my parents house.. We need to look at the stuff for the next festival that's coming up.. Since my aunt Karen was so kind and gave me a lot of display stuff when she moved and had no where to store anything.
The festival is mid September and I am getting down to crunch time on making stuff. Planning the tent/booth layout... Need to take photos and promote on Facebook.. Get my family to promote me since we all live in the area and have for years.
After the festival I am hoping stan will take me to Panama city beach. I want to go so badly... Its so nostalgic for me. So very very nostalgic. Sitting by on the ocean front balcony all night listening to the waves hit the shore.. That was one of the first times I really felt the overwhelming need to write poetry. The motion of everything gave cadence and rhythm to my thoughts and It was such a serene moment.. Something about the sea has always called to me and I can never quite put my finger on what it is... I hope that maybe one of these days when I visit the mystery will be revealed to me.
Anyways..but before all that..
This coming week I am going to drive up to my parents house on Monday.. Visit with mom because her birthday is the 11th. And on Tuesday I am going to drive to my cousins house and stay with her for a night. I have never been to her house and she and I were so very close when we were younger... I miss her and I need a friend. So I am making an effort to reach out to her. Plus I know I can trust her.... And God knows I need someone to talk to other than my journal.. I filled up an entire journal front and back of pages in just two months.
That's a lot of internal dialogue. Lol
I have gotten a second cheap spiral note book for jotting down bits and pieces of prose and poetry. And then I have another book that is small and for my purse so I can write on the fly when I'm out somewhere and the mood hits me.
I have saved up writing prompts and plan to start tackling some of those. I'm gonna do it, damn it. I'm gonna get something published. Its on my bucket list!!!
. I don't know what the fuck its gonna be but I'm preparing for anything
And I am wide awake and its 1 am lol fffffffffff
Sunday, August 2, 2015
especially from this one place i guess
also note to self: if you're already having issues dont eat fucking mexican food. are you crazy. (yeeeeeeeeeesssssssss????)
sadly-- i had no choice really-- we went out as a group and that is where we went lol
OTHER THAN ME TRYING TO KEEP MY STOMACH FROM EXPLODING THE ENTIRE NIGHT.... IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT I THINK MAYBE... kind of.
after we ate we went to Stan's co-worker/friend's house and they played a card game "Cards(crimes) against humanity" and let me tell you--- if you grew up on the interwebz this is the game for you. all you have to do is be the most offensive person, or gross, or weird... yeah its just... awesome
its super easy
i dont feel like explain the details of the game nobody ready my blog anyway
I didnt start off playing but i took over after one of the guys left
and i did really good, almost good enough to beat Stan.... but he won.
I spent the night running up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. it was hell. it was like... the worst hell.
i dont even want to eat today because if i have to have another BM i will kill myself lolololol
no i wont but it sure does fucking hurt like a mother fucker right now
stan and i had a weird fight a few days ago.. i dont understand exactly what all is going on his head.. but i think its because he doesnt know what is going on with me
im kind of just blank. i dont feel much. im bored a lot but now that i've started reading book again its getting much MUCH better. its very good. i get to catch up on all the reading i needed to do and never could and it makes me feel good.
last night i tried to do a card reading for Mac and i failed miserably.. well not failed but it was as awesome as i wanted. and its because i was intimidated doing it infront of people and i ALSO FELT LIKE MY STOMACH WAS EXPLODING lol
kind of hard to focus when you think you might shit yourself at any second, just SAYING, YA KNOW
oh oh--- we went to walmart yesterday morning to try and get my meds (which we didnt and now have to get tomorrow, i have enough to make it until then so its okay)... and also get cat food, dog food, toilet paper.... and right when we walked into the door they had this 98 cent bin of school supply things and OH MY GOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD the awesomeseseseseseses.
i am going to go back there and spend some of my money probably.. i wanted everything but i dont want stan to buy it because i feel bad because i dont need it and sad face and booooooo
im ALMOST done with my neon hot pink journal!!!! so close to filling it up, and i just started it right when we went to see Steve Miller Band... so i started it june 7th.. probably gonna finish by august 7th.. TWO MONTHS SO MUCH WRITING AAAAAHHH
at dinner we are going to Mac's apartment and have BREAKFAST AT DINNER WHICH IS BRINNERRRR
going to be so good
... if i eat anything. i dunno. i am, like i said, scared to eat... i have not wanted earlier today but i had to
anyways i am going to go read books or rest my eyes or something.
next week mom and dad are coming to the apartment on wednesday to give me stuff they need to give me and i need to get money from stan to give to my mom.
i ALSO need to remind stan to mail in the check for the festival in September PLEASE DONT FORGET STAN I KNOW YOU READ THIS
DEAD LINE IS CREEPING UP AND IM GETTING ANXIOUS AS HELLLL
ok by now