Friday, March 27, 2015

friday.. finally

its about damn time.. this week has been so long. i know i am worried and scared about the festival in April but i am also so ready to get it over with because i want to move on to the next thing i plan to do-- which is I DONT EVEN KNOW YET BECAUSE HOW THE FESTIVAL WORKS OUT IS GOING TO DETERMINE WHAT I DO with the rest of my life maybe...

ok yeah


so

anyway


i am going to go wash my hair and go to bed early because i am really antsy and i just need to drug myself to sleep with benadryl because the mood i am in is likely to start fights randomly
i know this mood its a bad mood.. it seems like a good one but its a trap. the irritability is extreme and i am on edge to snap

tomorrow we are getting up late and going to my parents house over night saturday night

so i can go with mom to Bama's bridal shower on sunday
i wanna go because Bama and Douglas are getting RE MARRIED and they never had anything the first time.... and i didn't have shit when i was getting married hardly (a tiny little party i guess whatever)
and so its like a whole.... its ok... she has this,  i will have something IF stan and i get married someday










cyrptic


i am scared to leave Miss Lilly here alone but she is a good girl and if we leave later in the day she can have a big early dinner and eat on it all night and we are coming back around 4pm on sunday so its not like we will be gone for way too long

Stans mom sent me a package for my birthday and I opened it by accident and ruined it lol
its just lots of little awesome things.. which is what i love. i love lots of tiny little things
it was like a box of happiness.


anyways now i go clean the kitchen up a bit
then shower then bed

get up tomorrow
do dishes
pack some
and what not
whatever whatever

oh yeah--- i have like... 200 pieces of jewelry for the festival
i am kind of almost done with making stuff
and now i can rest and get ready for the thing

and the aftermath of cleaning up the mess from all the supplies and beads being out everywhere for months ughhhh

and then the listing of the stuff that didnt sell on Etsy


and yeah
then i dont know

whatevs

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

i am so tired of waiting for the festival i want it to happen so it can be over

that pretty much sums up how i feel right now
i am excited and scared and want it to all be over so i can stop thinking about every little thing that might go wrong and happen and i cant stop thinking about every little thing that might happen its driving me insane


also i have gained weight and its driving me insane because i barely recognize myself when i look in the mirror now and i cant stand it its like... i am not even me i am some monster that has taken over or the monster has taken over my body outside and i dont know this is the weirdest feeling like i am not myself why is this happening where am i this is not me at all i dont look like this i havent looked like this in 10 years... 11 years.. 11 years its been eleven years what the hell what
the hell
i cant
i cant do this
i am having a break down inside its silent i cant freak out outside i am freaking out inside my head i am paralyzed


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now i tried to eat and it wouldnt go down and now i lost my dinner and i dont even care and im going to take my meds and pass out


and we are watching the movie "saw" because i wanted to watch something horrible


kthank bye

Sunday, March 22, 2015

its crunch time till the festival

and i am losing my minnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd


tomorrow is food stamp day and i am going to use that as some kind of distraction

im making a lot of last minute pieces that are going to be really nice and expensive... sorta

so other than that i am just trying to tidy up and figure out what is going where under the tent at the festival


i just finished a second tigers eye pendant necklace with braided seed beads as the necklace

i fixed stans bracelet that i made him that broke... and he likes it better the way i fixed it than it was the first time

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Saturday something idek

We are diving around everywhere with Mac trying to find him a table and chairs for his apartment.
It's good to get out of the house.. I almost didn't go because I didn't think I had time to get ready.. But I did

Lmao these boys are so goofy... Talking in fake overly exaggerated southern redneck accents.

__________
It's 6 pm now
I ruined every bodies day by taking to much about stupid shit. I really hate my self right now but I don't have time to be depressed or sad and lay in bed like I want because I have shit to do and I'm getting behind on house work.

We got Mac's table and chairs put together with the help of my mom and brother. It was easy more complicated than it should've been.... And! The damn thing was missing two pieces and we had to go back to get them.. They weren't even in the box at all.

I am starting a necklace tonight but I think I just want to take medicine and sleep. It's rainy and Stan is sleep and I already ate everything in the fucking house because I'm a fatty ass slob.
Or I'm hungry. Idek which it it's half the time I have no concept of normal people good times and amounts.

Fuck this I am getting a headache.

Friday, March 20, 2015

wwoooooohoooo friday

I started this entry this morning and was busy all day.

Then I feel asleep
Was taking nap. Dreaming. Having huge panic attack in dream. Stan comes home in middle of it and walks into the room waking me up

(really important fyi side note: I am very very easily startled by people coming in to rooms or walking up behind me. I don't hear them. I think I must be to distracted by my thoughts.. I always scream bloody murder in terror... I think I am constantly in fight or flight. Or something.. I can think of any other reason for the symptoms I'm experiencing. It's almost like some kind of ptsd but not. Can't explain it. I think I might be having ptsd from being afraid of Brandon because he is so creepy and I am paranoid. I wasnt like this until after I broke up with him.....)
Uh

Anyways

I wake up.... Covered in sweat hot shaking disoriented out of breath... Completely disconnected from reality
And it's been over 30 mins since I woke up and can't shake this feeling

The dream wasn't about anything special it was nonsensical and weird but the things that were happening were very anxiety provoking

I feel like I didn't come all the way back from the dream
Like part of me is stuck between.. Here and.... There

Oh wow we are in the eclipse portal.. I guess maybe.. 

I need to go back to sleep and wake up again and come back all the way this time

Thursday, March 19, 2015

its only thursday... blaaaaaahh...

ibut thats good right, i need more timeeeeee for stuff before festival


but i also noticed that it ts way later in the month and that is scary because the festival is coming omg
i feel this huge intense crunch time i dont want to sleep anymore because i am WASTING TIME

this festival and the stress has the potential to drive me into mania with OUT my prozac being higher than normal


we keep getting our plans for taking out the tent and seeing if its ok squashed by weather or us being too tired and needing more people because its a 10 x 10 tent


so

i dont even know i need to do stuff now
 i just finished an amethyst  wrapped stone with beaded necklace that im probably going to sell for $25 i hope
stan wants me to charge more for my stuff and i tmakes me feel bad because i dont feel like its nice enough and it makes me sad
 s now i have the sads and im hungry as helll and im gonna watch an episode of greys anatomy


ot two

OOOH STAN IS HOME TODAY SO THAT IS FUN THOUGH


i talked to an old friend today from Troy and that made me very happy

Monday, March 16, 2015

yay monday is yay lunch date with highschool teacher i loved is yayay

i am up a the buttcrack of dawn-- even earlier than usual. so excited about having lunch with my teacher from highschool

i am meeting her at 11am so i wanna be ready at 10 so i need to start getting ready a little after 8
ahh why am i so complicated and take forever sooooo annoying oh well well here we gooo
---------------


ok im back from my lunch date and it was AWESOME

i think my teacher an CLEARLY see the bipolar disorder and how its changed me from highschool tabitha but.... in some ways it a good thing. i am less shy and i do more stuff that i would never have done before-- i talk more. i laugh a lot louder. i smile more. i dont know where i was going with this. i think she was in shock and awe at me and all the things i have done since highschool-- the marriage and divorce and college band and moving and moving and flying on aitplanes and finally getting some solid footing and here we are now.

she wants to meet Stan so that is very awesome i know they will get along wonderfully

i am trying to cool off from all the heat and anxiety. i dont know how i am going to handle this summer i will have to braid my hair and wear it up i have an idea i want to try to see if i can get used to it and see if its cooler than having my hair down... but i still want it to show off my hair


anyways i am rambling i need to put the clothes up but they were too hot from being redried to get the wrinkles out but i think i can do them now




anywhere here are random photos idek





ok somewhere after this i realized i need tampons (i tried getting them at walmart but they dont have the ones i was getting anymore) so i went to dollar tree and i got distracted for like.... two hours

ooopsie
while i was in there i haphazardly ran into a woman who does crafts and we got to talking and i told her about the festival and she was all like "i keep trying to get in but they fill up space" and i was all like "i KNOW i got the very last one and it was a while back they stopped taking applicants they keep getting so many people"

also Stan works for APR so doors magically open

magically

like magic

#theperks


ps: i know you're using a proxy mother fucker because who the fuck is on windows XP
and internet explorer 8 and shit and looks at shit like this kind of stuff in tags and shit so lmao DONT EVEN  be playing like you think i dont know i  just didnt GIVE ENOUGH FUCKS to call you out until now

Saturday, March 14, 2015

super awesome saturday ahoy

save for i am freaking out and have too much to do this morning
but ATLEAST THE HEADACHE I WOKE UP WITH IS GONE NOW #PRAISEBABYJESUS

i called my mom and she had amazing news for me reguarding stuff for the festival she is AMAZING AND I LOVE HER AND I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE AMAZING PARENTS WHO CONTINUE TO BELIEVE IN ME EVEN THOUGH I HAVE FAILED AND FALLEN ON MY FACE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER


I LOVE THEM AND I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THIS TIME GOD DAMN I REFUSE TO FAIL FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION
---------------------------------------------------------


ok we came back from the outing and crashed and slept for a few hours

my parents are amazing as always, and my brother is cool too.
the food at New Orleans Bar and Grill in noporthport, al was AMAZING
and we have the best waitress (or two) EVER

like the best

we tipped her a lot, she was awesome and went way over on taking care of us and our food and our needs

we got the table for the festival from mom and dad and mom gave me all the melted bead suncatches that i didnt think she was really making i just SUGGESTED IT
so now i have these but no drill to dtill holes in them for the lines but we will be ok we will find a way between now and then


we went to hobby lobby and i got a FUCK TON OF BEADS to finish this last little artsy fartsy part of my stuff to show/sell .... stan is amazing and i am so mad at myself for letting him buy me these things. it cost way too much and i am going to be so sad until the festival because i want to pay him back money. like a lot of money. and then im even more scared i wont sell a lot at the festival
and that will be the biggest heart break of all because if this doesnt happen i am giving up jewelry making and getting "a real job"

so anyways now i am watching greys anatomy while Stan sleeps and I am eating and then making jewelry

Thursday, March 12, 2015

lol ok its thursday lets get shit in gear and stuff idek

going to eat really quick and go to the walmart to get glucose tablets and pick out some stuff for my birthday and take photos and save them up for stan and then coming home and cycling on the bike an then im drinking my SMOOTH MOVE TEA because i need to get rid of nasty chinese food i am going insane i am losing mymind ok there we go i said it i am obsessing about food and shit and shit and food
there were go

ok im back from walmart and i have got the photos uploaded and i brushed the dog and i have water and those breakfast biscuits that are thin crunchy granola cookies that are awesome


ok i made jewelry this is gooood
i need to make more stuff before the festival
i am having trouble wrapping these tumbled gemstones and its makes me very sad and ruining my grooooove man, damn ittt
booo


i cycled again
 and uh, stan came home and i cooked dinner and it was delicious
pork chops on the foreman grill and sliced new potatoes and and Margret holems field peas and snaps yum yum yum

we watched Spartacus and ate food and now i am blogging and i took my pills and i might sleep soon its almost 9pm
yep i am sleepy

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

humpday is SPAGHETTI AND STAND UP NIGHT

yayayayayay

but before that my mom is coming into town for errands and i get to eat out with her for lunch so i might not be eating much spaghetti tonight hahaha
but that means theres more for everybody else


the guys are gonna pick the comedian this time... i only had one i wanted to share and she was awesome and hot and awesome and now she is on our "wanna see live stand up" list of people i think

this morning i need to try and take the dog out but its raining and he doesnt like the rain, then clean the bathroom up and the livingroom a tiny bit and then get on the indoor bicycle thing and go for a bit and then get dressed for lunchhhh


-------------


soooo thus far i have cleaned up the bathroom, the dog hasnt woke up and asked to go out and im not sure if he will because its so wet outside (so i will probably be cleaning up pee and poop later... no funnn)

im about to get on the indoor cycle after i message my diabetic bffl from elementary school who is still my bffl and i love her because she would know what to do about my blood sugar crashes and i dont want to ALWAYS HAVE TO EAT THESE GLUCOSE TABLETS. i need something that is food that can do better when ... for say-- i want to exercise right now and its crashing as i type this. yeahhh


ok so i found out what to eat and i ate that and then i cycled and now i am waiting to get ready

ok later post back log update--

i went out to eat with my mom and brother and we came back here and talked and decided what to do this weekend... so they are bringing the table for the festival and we are going to have it here and look at it and we are going to open the tent and look at it

we are also all going out to the New Orleans grill that opened up recently

yum

so anyway  wednesday night was supposed to be SPAGHETTI AND STAND UP
up Mac didnt go to the gym before work so he wanted to go after work and that means no spaghetti and stand up with us and i wasnt even gonna eat spaghetti after eating at the chinese place with my mom and brother so... instead of spaghetti night stan stopped on the way home and got chinese so we both had chinese yesterday and i went to bed at like.. 7pm because i was afraid i would eat things and i dont wan to eat things because i am FATTTTTTTTTTT

anyways

so this is me updating my WEDNESDAY ON thursday MORNING so there you go

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

tuesday is good i think

I did a lot of stuff this morning i think maybe I put together Stan's lunchbox... i was sad because he didn't want breakfast
but that was ok

i cycled a bit while Stan was in the shower and i took the dog out too.
i rolled some pennies but didnt use them

then i went to walmart and got some boneless skinless chicken breast. also gala apples
i priced some anti itch spray for Miss Lilly to spray under her collar because it itches her really bad
also some "scratch not" spray because she has been acting out and scratching things a lot.
i got allergy meds for 88 cents


then i came homeeeee

and crashed for an hour or so
woke up disoriented  and it took a bit to regain my bearings
then i cycled some more for a bit-- added a towel folded over to the seat

then stan came home and we cut some of Herc's hair and stan gave him a bath
then i started dinner and we at some awesome food and now we are watching this History channel Harry Houdini thing

i wanna get

Monday, March 9, 2015

; its MANIC MONDAY BITCHES.... ps:i had a post for sunday funday

and then i went into super manic mode and embarrassed myself in public and came home and had to have a timeout and sit on the grass and ground myself and i dont even know... i was insane and it was bad and i dont want to talk about it in detail

but we DID run into Stan's friend Mac and helped him pick out an apple slicer like mine that is the awesomes

we came home and yeahh i had to have time to calm down and then i fell asleep and woke up and then i did a lot of house work really fast (unloaded dishwasher clean off and sanitize counters and start laundry and put up the clean dishes in the dishwasher) and whee
and yeah

this is just same shit different day manic/hypomanic energy groove just go go go

but TODAYYYYY
i woke up and cooked stan breakfast (eggs friend bologna toast) and took the  dog out to pee and got ready and stan went to work and i went to the library to turn in book and the two thor movies i had borrowed

i am working on writing up my cliff notes life history for my new therapisttttt
i hope she is awesome she told me she understands how hard it is to trust a therapist the first time and then lose them without warning and and that its traumatic and i think she is going to be wonderful


we are slowing working our way through season 3 of Spartacus
i am trying to figure out the layout of the booth and what we need to do

i am getting really nervous because we dont know what we are doing with what


aaaaand we just started watching
"THE UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT" CREATED BY THE ALL POWERFUL AND WISE TINA FEY AND WE CANT STOP LAUGHING LONG ENOUGH TO DO ANYTHING OK THANKS BYE

Saturday, March 7, 2015

saturdayyyyy

apparently today is a big day for civil right and such. The potus is in Selma right now.. which is where Stan has been going  recently for interviews with people on a story that involves part of the history of Selma and all that.

so cool.

its like im dating a rockstar.
in hipster land
or something


i love him so muuuuuchhh

i am waiting on him to finish up at the radio station and come home and grill some chicken and put some duck sauce from the chinese restaurant with rice....
 and we are going to watch Thor 2 and then Spartacus on Netflix ...


ok i am too sleepy to watch spartacus

thor 2 was awesome i had seen it before though just didnt realize it

now i am going to laydown

Friday, March 6, 2015

fuck yeah fridayyyy

today was awesome until i started over thinking shit but its gonna be alright because

its mother fuckin friday bitches

its pizza nightttttt
we are going over to Mac's apartment and they are watching a basketball game and i will be sitting and waiting for his cat (who has been sick as of late) to hopefully introduce himself to me.. his cat is like Lilly-- you have to wait for them to come to you

stan fell asleep and that gave me time to TRY and do my nails lol but i fucked them up so i have to take off the decal stickers and go back to plain emerald green


--------------------

ok we ate the pizza it was walmart's marketside deli five cheese pizza
we added italian salami slices that are like pepperoni slices.. and added cheese to it
yeahhhh
BEST PIZZA EVERRRR


holy pooop

and then we thought Murph (mac's cat and bff) got outside and omg panic attacks lost kitties are noooooooo nonono fun
but we found him in a hidey place inside the house

but that wasnt until we had freaked out for like 30 mins... wandering around the aparments at night looking for him
i was crying. i cant even.. i such a cry baby but.. that cat is HIS baby.. i so i know how it feels

i just couldnt even... omg

i have to get a collar on Miss Lilly and a tag.. she has been trying to get out the door so much.... i cant risk this i feel uneasy now... it has to happen asap

Thursday, March 5, 2015

this is my thursday post and also-- uh, i made a wishlistr out of boredom and such

this is more like a -- i wanna show you what i my tastes are and this gives me something to do to keep my mind occupied cause i need to focus on not bad things --- list but here is my wishlistr.com nevermind that my birthday is a month from now ;) lmao i dont deserve anything please dont. this is like a treasury list on etsy but all over the internet???


http://www.wishlistr.com/omfgitstabitha


yeah idek lolol

i could have used pinterest but this has the ability to be bought which is for Stans benefit (if its something online that we cant get here) so i dont know

i need to find things to focus on to keep my mind from reeling all over the place


okay i have taken care of many small chores-- the shower is now and i will be cleansed on the full moon )O(

i get out of the shower and there is sleet on the grass
what is this nonsense

i have worked up a bit of stuff for the full moon and  will attend to it later. right now i need to rest a bit and prepare

that was the WEIRDEST NAP EVER

----------------

um anyways its 11 pm and i have done all the stuff and i need to go to bed but i dont wannaaaaa

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

wednesday is hump and spaghetti dayyy

i titled this that way to reference a poem i wrote about madness being an ocean... i need to find it because if i remember correctly it was actually quite good

anyways i feel better today... i took a nap just now after running errands earlier -- i had to get my meds from indian rivers.


i came home and cleaned up some stuff and stan came home and i cooked dinner and we had Mac over and watched some stand up comedy and now i am going to possibly.... i dont know what... i just spaced out for a long time lol


just kind of blaaaah right now

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

there is no way to explain today except that there is something out there. planning such things

so much connection to things 
god winks everywhere
there is no way
no way the things that happened today could not have been 


just

ok


take a step back and breath

this is real
its happening
we are divine creatures and we are magical and powerful



so i slept like 3 hours last night who cares i dont need sleep right now

in that time i had a revelation that oh my god i am talking to people who i should not talk to i am risking everything i hold dear for just thrill and adventure and i said NO
NO NO NO FUCKING NO
not this time mother fucker

so now

i am severing ties
with people i dont even want to talk about. they are insignificant

i am on my new plan 
therapy every other week. lowering prozac. adding a mood stabilizer soon because god damn it i need one and the only reason i wasnt on one before is because i was manipulating them into not giving it to me because of my eating disorder... like "if i gain weight it will trigger this other thing"

but fuck this
fuck it i will battle both things if i have to i dont know or care this shit is NOT HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN
i refuse to be the person i used to be. NO

i said it.

no.
end of discussion 

my insomnia is a dangerous thing

its a trigger for psychotic mania in which i do things that i would never do, if i were on medication and myself, things i hate myself after.

and i think one symptom is trying to resurface faster than i had expected -- i know it is my worst and the THE worst probably and i dont want it to happen but it is fucking creeping up on me...


and i'm not talking about the paranoid thing


this is something for more vile

i have to nip this.

im calling IR and and getting my latuda-- i might as well stay around and triage for a emergency therapist. and set up further sessions. it was on my new years resolutions list anyways. it was prehaps the only thing.








i need to also step back and realize how far i have come from the person i once was-- to be able to catch this and be accountable for my illness.

they may make a lady out of me yet!

Monday, March 2, 2015

its not fair. its just simply not fucking fair

i worked so hard to get myself stable. so FUCKING HARD. it took tons of medication and moving into a new place away from people that was more quiet but i finally got things together and the thoughts in my head slowed down and i have sure footing and a wonderful man and.. this... THIS... AND NOW THIS FUCKING GUY

i had a severe paranoid delusion episode after Brandon and I first broke up (i was afraid of going anywhere alone.. i refused to for months)... but it faded in time with therapy and support from friends and i felt ok and safe.


Safe enough to even move into the apartment of my boyfriend who lives on the same end of town he is at- -- where there will be possibilities for us accidentally running into each other. and i was ok. i wasnt scared.

but this is not fair. after all these months... i was ok and this is NOT FUCKING FAIR

i am a jewelry designer. i have a festival to be at in april and i am scared of being out in open spaces again
this is not ok and this is not fair
 why did you have to follow me. i asked if i knew you and you just stood there all creepy.. why did you do this.. this is not ok... i am not ok with this and if anything else happens my boyfriend is going to take care of it promptly.
 so fuck you

fuck you



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