Tuesday, April 16, 2019

I'm 33 nowwwwwww lol

SO my birthday was nothing and that is perfectly fine with me because i dont need a reminder that i'm getting older ok thanks hahahha

Stans mother went into the hospital on my birthday and we were scared as fuck and he packed a bag and got the oil changed in his car just in case he needed to go. i would have went but my anxiety is so bad--- he would be trying to manage too much mentally and emotionally and i would have been a burden so, i was going to stay home.

but he didn't have to go.

the game of thrones season 8 starting was good
and we have the avengers Endgame coming up.
and then the crawfishboil in may... which means lots of cleaning up to do
and uh oh my god....
we really really need to clean, the yard is a mess and thats were people will be... and that garage but i have no idea how this will happen because dad's machinery takes up so much space.

the house is bad because of animals and they are shedding their winter coat furr EVERYWHERE. Im looking at you Marleigh I know you can't read this but bless your heart sweetie. idek. i tried to brush some of her winter fur out and it just. i dont even know, it keeps coming. we need a real groomer or a huge super strong brush

gotta clean up the back porch gazebo and the fire pit with the chairs and stuff cause maybe smoke some sausage. why not roast marshmallows, who knows.

i just want to say that husband has been so very very supportive of me and caring and i cannot ask for better... i am blessed. the lexapro is helping a lot and i am trying to remember to take the ativan for  anxiety i just forget it a lot. or try to push through and not need it. put it wears me down when i do that so idk..

i'm trying to go outside more and leave the house and just... not be in the bedroom. its hard.
like i am ashamed of the absurdness of how hard it is for me to do these things. it makes me feel bad and then i feel bad and dont wanna try and its like.... digging hole deeper.
but i am trying to get past that. in some way
i am doing more than i was
socializing more than i was i think maybe

i am just so very thankful that stan is here to help me while i do this because i cannot do this by myself. at all. I love him and he is my rock. I am waiting for him to get home from work right now...

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