Monday, March 25, 2019

hopefully things will get better now

my doctor has increased my lexaro and we are yet again waiting.
i seem better but my anxiety is bad and my self esteem is so bad i dont know what to even do with myself.

i went with Stan to a job last week end and i got to see one of my old friends and it made me really happy.
but also sad because i know i can see her all the time.

i guess this week is just another week unless stan makes me go to this concert on the 30th and i really should it would be good for me-- but it feel so bad doing it because i am miserable.

Miss Lilly lost her collar and that made me sad but she has been really nice and loving since then so maybe she was only because mean because he hated that collar so much lol

i think i need to get a mammogram
and bloodwork

i dunno


i am playing video games because i am lame

Friday, March 15, 2019

same shit different day

so my new anti depressant medicine is at a low dose and i am trying to hold on.... i see the psychiatrist next tuesday and the therapist also.

we are thinking that maybe i could drive myself to the appointments that are just the therapist and not the psychologist. because idk lol it just made sense at the time

I have been playing stardew valley alllll the time. also legend of zelda Breath of the Wild

..... i have to say that i am so thankfull and grateful for my husband. he has done everything he can to help me and i am so thankful and blessed to have him in my life.

also.... unfortunately.  my brother's wife's step dad (who has been a big part of her life) has died... on sunday.
and i have been selfish and horrible and i havent went to see them.
i just thought that my depression would be... adding to it?
but i am going to visit them tomorrow.
i should have done it sooner and i feel horrible about it.

there are plans for us to go to the mobile, al area in april (we'd leave on my birthday) so that is fun.
and there's a concert my husband w ants to go to.
so there's stuff going on and... i'm trying really really hard to pull myself out of this depression hole so i can enjoy the real world and do stuff.

yeah

i wish i had better news.

the new medicine might work... the dose is really low right now. so there is hope. just increasing it. and then waiting the 2-3 weeks . I am trying to think positive.

Friday, March 1, 2019

troubled waters

we are changing my medicines and requesting a re-evaluation of my mental illnesses
because after some personal assessment my symptoms  could be one thing or another or both things. one of these things require a special kind of therapy and possible hospital stays for stability reasons to we want to make sure everything is actually what the people at the shit free clinic said it is. because who the hell knows.


i am trying to pull through this depression is it has been a long one and i have been laying in bed in misery for a long time
I have therapy on monday


stan is a saint is trying so hard to keep me sane and ok and safe and happy and i love him and i can't find a way to tell him because my mood swings are so bad that by the time i realize these things something else has set me off.

this is part of the stuff that we aren't sure about... and might be a sign my diagnosis is wrong.

all in all.... i dont know.... stay tuned-- i know only one person checks this blog but i still try to update it when i can.

all i have going on is therapy and videogames and trying to keep my shit together until medicine works or something else happens.

Augus 10, 2019

I haven't updated in a long time. I have been deemed non-anemic as of my last bloodwork. I'm a few points above anemic now. they wa...