Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Ok.... So. My husband is amazing

My wonderful husband has done so much for me lately. He got my car fixed. He bought replacement controllers for the Nintendo switch because the only thing that seems to make me happy is gaming. And it doesn't even make me happy. It just passes time. Until I go to sleep again.

He is trying so hard to make me happy and I am so depressed and I feel... Guilty. Because I want to do and be better but I just..... cant. I dont know how to explain it.. my mind is dark and twisty (to quote Grey's anatomy) ...and we know I have to try new medication...  I am so hesitant to try anything after the last time we tried those two meds that were so horrible... But I am going to have to try something new... Something else... Because this is not.... Idk. Anyway we will attempt a new medication soon (appt Feb 19 next Tues for that and also therapy) but I am just barely hanging on here.

I know I've said that before but it's bad bad bad. And I'd probably benefit from a stay at the psych hospital at this point but I don't wanna go that's the absolutely last thing I will ever do.

I wish I could see my therapist every week  but it's so far. I could drive it now that my car is fixed. I mean it would be a feat but I could probably do it. And Stan wouldn't have to take off work? Maybe he could just go when I see the psychiatrist. And I can go alone when I see the therapist.

Oh my I keep thinking up these things and I know I can't ever do them. I don't think. It's... I don't think I could do the drive. But maybe....

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

hello darlin, nice to see ya. it's been a long tiiiiiiiime

My only news to report is that the major clinical depression struggle is very real and very kicking my ass lately.


I am making due with video games, netflix, and the occasional coloring book. but these things are getting useless as my depression episode grows longer.

we are going to call my doctor and schedule a emergency type check in to get me on a new medicine of some kind for depression---- hopefully one that wont make me gain 8202084 pounds. because I already feel disgusting right now. I'm not sure how much more I can stand.

I'm 33 nowwwwwww lol

SO my birthday was nothing and that is perfectly fine with me because i dont need a reminder that i'm getting older ok thanks hahahha ...