Monday, December 3, 2018

Bah humbug

Or whatever.
I really wanna update from my Chromebook and also update my blog layout for Christmas because I have cute little gifs of Christmas trees and stuff I wanna use but .... My Chromebook won't start.

I am having a particularly hard time with my eating disorder right now. Not so much that I'm not eating... But the mental health side of tortured thoughts and constant nagging voice in my head that I'm horrible and fat and disgusting and undeserving and should die. Like these are the thoughts I hear everyday. This is what my eating disorder monster screams at me all. Freaking. Day. Every. Day.

And people wonder why I want to sleep. Other than the fact that I am chronically fatigued-- just having no energy at all. But to sleep? I can make the shit stop for a little while. Unless I have dreams about it too. Then I'm just totally shit outta luck there.

I ate too much today and now I feel like punishing myself. I'm so disconnected from myself this afternoon and evening. I spent hours just laying in bed staring at the wall. Trapped inside my head. I do that a lot when I can't handle stuff.

Anyway... I'm tryin to slowly be more active. In anyway I can find. Even if it's just walking down the road to my little Brothers house and hanging out with Krista. But I dunno. I'm just. Somedays I'm just unable to do anything. And I hate that. It makes me mad at myself.

I have therapy on Wednesday... I need it. We cancelled my last appointment. So it's been a particularly long time since Ive had any therapy.

I'm gonna cut this short because Stan is home and I feel like I'm ignoring him. Lol

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Augus 10, 2019

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