Saturday, December 8, 2018

Another one bites the dust

My poor Chromebook seems to have given up the ghost. It is fully charged and won't turn on. Bless it's heart. I'm glad I had been using the Google cloud for stuff. And now I have no idea when I will have a proper computer that i can type on again. So I dunno. Blogging from my phone might be the new thing for a while.

We went to Walmart to get some Christmas stuff done and the cashier was just useless, so all the gift cards we wanted to get haven't been gotten yet so thats even more we have to do in the crunch time between now and Christmas.

I am struggling really hard with body imagine eating disorder stuff. Today I was having anxiety attack and crying when I had to get ready and look presentable to public... It's just. I am so hideous. I cannot leave the house please just let me hide away. I dont want anyone else to see how fat and ugly I have become. It's really hard. It takes hours to get myself to the point of leaving the house. I just feel so worthless and useless and trashy and slobby and fat and gross and disgusting and I can't make the shit stop. It's a mental barrage of this all day. I just want to lay here and cry. I pretend  to be ok as much as I can because that's what is expected of me. And it's so damn hard to put on that face and fake that smile and be ok around people because you can't let them know you are suffering. It's the holidays. You have to be merry and bright. You have to paint yourself up with glitter and bows. And you go to war. Be brave. You can make it through this. And when it's all over you can focus on losing as much weight as possible as fast as possible because there is no other way to make these feelings go away. I have no other coping mechanism. This is it. So .... Paint myself up in glitter and gold with bows. Make it through the holidays. And crash into January and kick my own ass until I am not 773834847 Ibs. I just can't.... It's like... Right now. I'm so fat I'm not even a person. I'm just a blob thing. I can't. I can't explain it. I feel subhuman.

And that my friends.... Is my thinking and my life and it's barest. No sugar coating. This is it. Take it or leave it.

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