Sunday, October 28, 2018

I decided today that I would do more

Do. More.
Housework. Socializing. Arts and crafts. Laundry. Cleaning. Helping my brother and sister in law move into their new place.
I want to do more.
And today I got up. Did a few of the first things on my list I made.... Then had one of the worst panic attacks in my life. Like. I could not breathe. I was literally gasping for air. And trying to talk and crying. I got really nauseated and ran to the bathroom to vomit. It was so sudden. I wasn't even remotely prepared. I usually dont actually vomit when I have panic attacks... I just feel nauseated. But today it was  blown all out done and done.

I'm having some personal self esteem issues regarding my duties as a house wife... As I have been severely depressed for the past few months. And then had a wedding to plan and be in... The bedroom is a disaster. And I knew a time would come that I'd have to clean up from when I was too depressed to get out of bed.... But it just hit me today so hard all at once.
And now I realize... Now. That I dont have to do it all at once. I can break it down. Take breaks between things.

I mean... I get so anxious about doing the tiniest things that most people dont even think about. So when a big thing comes up it's like a full on attack to my mental and physical well being. (because anxiety and panic involve the body responding to danger... Fight or flight etc)

I just... I don't even know.
I did a lot of stuff and it's not even noon and I didnt really sleep last night. And I had a panic attack so... I guess I will lay here and stare at pinterest for a while.
Maybe this afternoon I will "do more" than I did this morning

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