Thursday, February 22, 2018

thursday feb 22, 2018

So. Let's just get it out of the way.
Yesterday was horrible. We have been officially legit told that if I want to get mental health care and not be waiting 2-5 months (at a minimum), I need to go out of town.
So... We got a referral to a place in Birmingham and I have to be there next Wednesday at 7am in the morning.. Which means leaving the house at..... 5:30am? and getting up at 3:30am????? yeah i am not happy about this.. but i think they are opening early to see me because 7am is really early so i am going to suck it up and accept it because maybe this is the best thing for me to do right now. and i if they are infact opening early to see me i REALLY REALLY fucking appreciate them doing this for me? like the dude at the normal medical doc clinic must have pulled some strings really hard. ???? maybe i dont know.

which brings me to this next ordeal--

And I have to have Stan drive me, which makes me feel like a ridiculously selfish piece of shit. because i cannot drive myself to places like that..even if i had been there and knew how to get there the anxiety of having an appointment is so distracting that i am scared shitless to drive on the interstate because... i wont be able to focus and drive as good as i could and its a scary interstate thing and the city of birmingham has to be navigated and omfg just no no no no.
do not want

so other than that... in retrospect-- the thing that really upset me and makes me want to give up on getting help is.... I had a legit panic attack in front of the doctor and he was like "no anxiety meds for you. nope. nada." so I am thinking I might never get relief in that way and it makes me honestly want to quit life???? i dont mean die... not die but just comatose in bed just hook me up to fluids and stuff i am done. dissociate from reality forever. giving up, pretty much.

Like I have done this anxiety thing for so long and I am tired of being denied the things that would improve my quality of life. that crap has to stop. go through doctors until i find one that is willing to help me.

like i know these things exist and are right there but i cant have them because of doctors. and these things would improve my quality of life.

like what kind of ass backward fucked up world are we living in.
that just because SOME people abuse medicine for anxiety -- i am there for denied it entirely. when it is the very thing i actually need.

like thank you have a nice day.
and go live in crippling anxiety hell for the rest of your life. Its cool, all the cool kids are doing it. Its hip.


but i guess since we've already extended our search for help to include birmingham i can look up all the clinics and doctors in birmingham and see what places are open and taking new patients. because if we are driving that far for this anyway.... we might as well have an idea of who else might work besides the one psych doc that we were referred to (incase his stupid ass refuses to treat my anxiety like a valid thing. like i feel like i'm being dismissed and belittled by these people who see me have a panic attack and still refuse to do nothing for me when ITS THEIR DAMN JOB TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME)

and anyways... ALSOOOOOO because apparently the options in a city like birmingham are ridiculously good. so if we are gonna go ... lets go big? like.. if we have to drive that far lets just do the damn thing. what if i found like, THE PERFECT psychiatrist for me and my needs in birmingham... and i would have never even known they existed until we did this????

we have been told straight up that tuscaloosa is the shittiest place for mental health care ever. and its true. its absolutely true.

the other thing that we gotta figure out is-- i need a therapist. and this therapist needs to communicate with the psychiatrist. A LOT.
so we have that long distance hurdle because im pretty sure most psychiatrist are gonna have therapist they recommend and i'm pretty sure they'd be in birmingham. and the thing is that IF you dont go to the therapist regularly to work shit out.... it DOESNT GET WORKED OUT. so driving to birmingham every other week for the rest of my life.... yeah i dont even know... whatever

ok so i have tried to make a blog post that wont make my husband upset but i dont know if i have done it. i will find out when he reads it and tells me to take it down. lol

i have finished most of my things i wanted to do today so i think i might actually play pokemon or something.... idk.. i started the day so early it feels like it should be 6pm but its only 3:30...

uh anyway thats all for now. idk how long this blog post will be here... before i am forced to take it down but... thats whats happening right now... and next week.
(oh i didnt mention the thing on saturday but i guess i can make another entry about that???? idk)

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