Sunday, February 11, 2018

Description of my anxiety disorder.


I have moments that I feel ok. Maybe. and then I remember everything that has happened . Is happening . Will happen soon and I get… I just can’t.. I don’t know.

The mask I wear can only stay up for so long before it starts to break.

I have to have days off from living life and social stuff and….

Every. Single. Thing. Makes. Me. Anxious. I can’t. Turn. It off or down a notch.

It’s like music.. Background music playing all the time…. And some unknown being out there holds the remote volume control. And they change it all. The. Time.

Sometimes it’s loud. Really loud.. cannot think at all. cannot do anything until it stops.

And sometimes it’s so soft I almost forget it’s there. But I get anxious about this peaceful feeling because I know....
I KNOW  IT comes back. And in waves. And bad. Off and on all day.

And then there’s the actual acute anxiety attacks that just…. Its like the music is at full blast and I have no hands with which to cover my ears. I cannot make it stop. I have to try and not lose my mind until it goes back softer…

And then when a lot of stuff happens in my life.. back to back. I end up absolutely batshit crazy at the end of everything when it's petered out... and I cannot function. I have to crash. For a day. Or days. Like. I have to detoxify myself from the bad thoughts/feels I had to endure/keep to myself for days because there WAS no buffer time between things happening to sort it all out. And tbh, we are even lucky if I make it through everything in the first damn place.

I’m sorry about posting this..... I’m not well. Physically and mentally. Right now. And I haven’t slept tonight and it's 8am.

but really::: I had been searching for a good way to describe my anxiety….. Because I have generalized&social anxiety. Also OCD. (which is an anxiety disorder actually, if you did not know)

I get anxious about tiny little things That other people don’t even think about. Like ridiculous things. I get anxious over taking a shower. Putting on make up. Laundry. Dishes. House cleaning. PHONE CALLS AND ANSWERING THE PHONE LIKE SERIOUSLY I CANNOT DO IT. (i suck it up and sob through calling doctors trying to get appointments for mental health care... Because I have to... But if my phone rings and I so don't know the number??? Oh hell no. No way. No how. I. Don't care who. It could be I do not do it. Voicemail. Please leave me a voicemail if you call me. I probably do want to talk to you but I am scared to answer the phone!)

. I shake the whole time I do my makeup. Get dressed. So most anything..... Like seriously.... I shake. All. The. Time.
I am not exaggerating this- my husband, Stan, sees it. And it's actually happening. I'm not psyching myself out and imagining it... I tremble with anxiety almost every second I am awake and focused on anything. Because I start thinking. And thinking automatically goes to "what ifs"...

Hell I get anxious JUST LEAVING MY BEDROOM. because who knows what is outside that door. I sure don't.

I don’t know why. It just happens and I sit here unable to do the things I need to do. Like.. I’m talking about general everyday basic self care and house work stuff. Like I get so Worked up about what if this or that happens?

What if the other thing happens?

What if they both happen at once?

What if neither of them happen at all and I am just a fool?

Now let’s get really fun with this. Add the social aspect.

What if someone you personally know saw the thing happen? What if they thought it was bad and your fault? What if they blame you? What if they get confused entirely and imagine the worst possible thing….. (Like I do here?)

Or…. What if it’s a stranger who doesn’t know you at all? What would they assume? Idk. Maybe this. Maybe that.. Maybe a little of this and that.

And they have no basis for their assumptions and you have no control over it AT ALL.
THEY ARE MAKING OPINIONS OF YOU. PROBABLY BAD ONES. AND YOU CANT EVEN EXPLAIN YOURSELF. NOR DO THEY KNOW YOU EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT TO KNOW THAT YOU Are most likely harmless or innocent of whatever it might have been in this theoretical…. Cluster fuck of anxiety I’m trying to some how detangle So MAYBE people in the world can understand people like me a little better???

I really really really hope someone– atleast one person– Who reads this is comforted to know that they are not alone. I’m trying to find different  ways to explain to the “normal” people what it’s like….

And if I am putting your feels into words in a way that helps you, please feel free to use this example With the background music thing. I know I'm not the first person to think of it. I can't be.

This was my first try at this…. I hope I have not upset or offended anyone by posting this here. I just wanted to express myself. And try and find ways that maybe people who struggle.. Like me.. Can all use to describe what we experience… To the people who know and love us… And don’t understand exactly what is going on. 😔😔😔


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