Friday, January 5, 2018



(edit / note: I Started this post on Wednesday.. Lol. It's Fri morning now lol)
(edit #2:  its 10am on friday and this entire entry is almost completely useless by now but i'm gonna post it anyway. but have the most recent events of whats going on right here ate the top.. i guess.)
(edit #3: i did not proof read this so im sorry for the auto correct and typos and idek, i dont care anymore about anything right now)

ok so... its friday mid morning.
 short recap- first new clinic place cannot handle my case because its too complex. we were referred to a different place- and that new new place... that place will not let stan make my appointments for me. (big flashing warning sign here-- they are supposed to be treating people with thing like anxiety.. and they are asking an new patient calling in to do sometimes that causes severe anxiety for a lot of people. like wtf is that... that is not even. they are reall inconsiderate and dropping the ball before the game even starts ok)

so on thursday.... i have to do the call myself and that has made me want to kill them all before i've even met them.
and so i call and get their automated answering machine a few times... eventually get a real person and leave a message and she says she will get back with me with my appointment time after they verify if the insurance info i provided is actually legit.
but they never call.
now its friday. i call in the morning and get the answering machine again. leave a very pissed off message (but did include all info they asked for)
stan called them after i did and got a person and they told him it will take a god damn WEEK or more for them to even call and merely CHECK if my name is on his insurance policy.
and then we find out from a friend that they tried to use this same clinic and have gotten treated like shit too.

so now we are fucking pissed.
piiiiiiiiiiissed. outraged. livid.
so we call back the first place (because they wanted to know how things went, because they surprisingly kind of cared???? and we are waiting to hear from them to see if they have any ideas on where else i can go???)
and so i thought about it, and i told stan that maybe we could look around for private practice psych places that accept our insurance and i will just have to handle the fact that its not full therapy in same practice/building/etc??? that i'd have to get therapy somewhere else? and just see this place for meds? and also i have to accept the fact that i will probably have to see a male doctor which upsets me but i cannot fucking even care at this point. at all.

so that is what is happening so far.. and Stan is busy as hell and has had a  horrible day at work already and its not even 11am. AND he has to go out of town to do a new story thing today.
and then we might get pizza tonight so that is even more he has to do. and tomorrow we were gonna go out but i dont know if i even want to. i dont really want to. and idk. just whatever

i was really really fucking sick last night and vomited up a stomach full of acid reflux stuff and i had hell trying to sleep and this morning i am barely awake but i have to be, because of all this nonsense. and i will probably need to start laundry today if i went to get it all done this weekend.

i am trying to stay awake... it just now 11am on friday...

the rest of this entry is from early/mid week and on... id ont even know what i said in it anymore and i dont really care right now.


So... The first half of this week has been complete chaos.
Monday was the bowl game for Alabama football shit. I don't really do the fanatic football fan thing.. So for me it was just a day of good food, because Stan made chicken nugget things..... They were crazy good. Like I wanted to eat so much but I couldn't do it lol.

Aaaaaaaand Tuesday..... Ughhh.
I got up at 6am? I don't remember now. But my appointment was at 10am.
I spent all morning panicking and stalled out a few times. I dissociated and shut down and I did the opposite (where you talk gibberish when you're nervous) .
But... Anyways.
We got there and met this lady and she told me almost immediately that my mental health case is over their heads... Because I need long term therapy and counseling and etc etc. This is a  Lifelong thing.
She did clarify a few things. I am definitely bipolar. I have OCD (i was unsure about this but apparently my planning and micro managing my life etc etc... Idek.).. And. Social anxiety... Agoraphobia. She understood the eating disorder cycle of restricting for a while and losing weight. Then the binge period and the back and forth... And never having a normal in the middle Relationship with food.
So... Idk. We talked to her because we had the appointment and I needed to have human interaction. And she at least knew and knows what I was talking about.

So anyway... We have been referred to another place that is supposed to have better long term care for people like me.
And we called them. And they can't see me until FEBRUARY. So that.... Is shitty. And there's nothing I can do about it. But wait. More. Again. Longer.

I didn't sleep the night after the Tues appointment.... And Wednesday hardly at all

And so, Hopefully but can say that I already I had another. An opportunity happointment....

I have to go to the With dreaded Indian Rivers that I have been going to for 7 years or so? Just this one last time... To get enough meds to get me through to the NEW NEW NEXT PLACE I GOTTA GO.

I did that. And... Idk. I have weird feelings about the whole thing.

I just know I have to wait long. longer.... Which is extremely upsetting. But out of our control. Which really just makes me feel even worse because I hate not having control. Over most. Stuff. Idk.

So... I am trying to plan out my January.
I need to go see my friends Julie and Jess. And I also need to see April. And I need to visit mawmaw at aunt Debra and uncle Steven's because this might be the last year we have with her.

And. I already lost one grandma... I don't know how I will handle this. I am not as close to mawmaw as I was my nana... Mawmaw has so many grandchildren (from the 7 kids she had.. They all had kids. And those kids are starting to have their own kids.... So.. Chaos!)
 it was hard to find time among everyone to get close to her. I did have a lot in common with her with arts and crafts and such.


Stan's father and step mom are going to visit us here In alabama. So that's something to plan and look ahead to. It should be the 19-21st that they are here.
We plan or are trying to plan a big group meal at some point.... with his father, step mom, my mom and dad. And us.

So there's all that.... Pretty sure I'm probably gonna be batshit crazy.

Aaaaand the NEXT WEEKEND.... is Kami-con in Birmingham at the BJCC.
Which... Kami-con has gotten huuuuuuuuge since i last went I'm 2012 (I think it was 2012..not sure)
and it was at the UA... They moved it to Birmingham and... Upped their... Everything? Lol
(Edit on 2/5) more stuff happened before I could finish and post

So this place I got referred to will not let stan call and make appointments for me. So..... Needless to say I called the damn place. I gave them my necessary info and they were supposed to call me back that same day.. But if the secretary lady is running late.... I guess I will Have  To call Tomorrow (today... Its Friday now and I am still working on this same blog post)
f this see the top and read back through idk.

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