So.. Saturday was awesome. I woke up and despite having a hard time falling asleep (night time convulsions again) I slept really hard the few hours I did sleep.
I got up, took a bath. (i dont wash my hair as often in winter.. I don't sweat as much and I use dry shampoo and my hair is kind of dry to begin with. So everyday washing makes it kind of brittle unless I soak it in that expensive ass hair oil leave in spray and I don't wanna do that)
I got dressed up.
I only dress like this when I have an elevated mood... And I like that Stan can be all like "yeah this is my wife. Yes I am Awesome."
Also I like to pretend I actually have self confidence. Which I don't. When I dress like this I am constantly going to bathrooms to find mirrors because I am deathly scared something is out of place or my fat is bulging out everywhere and I look hideous. So yes I wear this. No I don't feel confident. It might look like it, but I am secretly anxious as hell looking for the next time i can look in a mirror and make sure I look atleast moderately acceptable. And people watching me probably think I'm just looking at myself because I think I'm pretty and vain and shit. But that's not it at all. And you know-- I have no way or telling people what's really going on.
It's not like I can make an announcement "PSA: girl is looking in mirror to see if she looks like shit or moderately acceptable, not admiring herself. She thinks she looks like shit 24/7"
We went to the thrift store. Which was a shock. They completely changed the lay out of the store. All the rows of clothes were completely turned the other way and rearranged. The housewares and knickknacks were different. I didn't even look at the back where the books and furniture was. I mean I think we walked by it but I tend to not focus on things when I'm out and about because I have to separate myself from my surroundings into my head a little bit, or I get sensory overload and anxiety gets to me bad.
Anyway. Stan got shirts. And I got a wide black belt. And a wide brown belt. Exact what I went there for.
(I was going to look for brown flats but krista(little bros fiancee) brought some shoes to the house to see if I wanted them before they sent them to donate. So I got some light gold looking flats that work. Also black so I have a spare. And red - which is new for me but I am excited to see what I can come up with them outfit wise.)
After the thrift store we went to Chick-fil-A and I got a 12 piece grilled nuggets meal. Which came with fries. I didn't want fries but they were there and.... I ate them. I regret it. A lot. Because that set the tone for the rest of the day. (i binged on pizza when i got home)
I was really hungry and it was very satisfying.
We got to the theater at exactly the right time. Which helped my anxiety a lot. Getting places on time (Aka 15-30 mins early) really helps me calm down... I need a buffer between things to sort my head out before I take on the next thing. If I don't I get confused and foggy headed and overwhelmed and that makes me snappy and bitchy. Short temper. Etc. I only realize these things after the fact when I get a chance to sit and collect my thoughts on the day that just happened... Which is why blogging is so good for me. It also let's my husband know some of what is going on inside my head without me having to try and explain it verbally with words. Which is hard sometimes. A lot of the time.
The movie was AMAZING. I laughed so much I thought I was going to get in trouble for being too loud. It was seriously the funniest thing I have seen since the "Deadpool" movie.
After the movie we went to Gamestop and Stan did the most amazing thing and pre-ordered "Pokémon Ultra sun" for me. I had been on the fence about getting it but if we are going to kami-con I really want to have the newest game so I can battle people (i dont plan on doing any tournament things. Just casual battles. I know i will get my ass kicked. Lol I always do. But it's fun and I want to do it.)
They had "Ocarina of Time" for the 3ds for $20 and I talked myself out of asking Stan for it because he has already done, and is doing so much for me. I don't deserve these things and i feel bad asking for them. Maybe one day when I have the right medicine I can work a a part time job and have spending money for extra stuff like games. And clothes shoes makeup etc. But until then I need to remember my place and go bare minimum on things as much as i can. I know i am asking for more than bare minimum right now but it's.... Significantly less than most stay at home trophy wives would ask for. I think. I hope. If I'm wrong I will feel bad and guilty and have to cut back even more as penance for being so needy and demanding. (please keep in mind that NONE OF THESE LIMITS OR PUNISMENTS ARE. COMING FROM STAN. this is just me being hard on myself because I don't think I deserve anything at all)
Then we went to Walmart.... The dreaded (but unfortunately necessary) hell hole. We got my Lamictal, dry shampoo, deodorant, pretzel crisps, tuna, popsicles, beef and noodles, other foods..
We checked out and left... Stan's vehicle was driving weird so he pulled into parking lot and called people to get opinions on things.
However we restarted the thing and it drove like normal. Stopped turned car off. Started again. And it was fine. So that was good. Idk if it's actually better or okay but it got us home.
We unloaded the car and took all the groceries in and sorted that out. Stan watched most of the game but he was tired as hell too (because of me. I always keep him awake at night and I hate myself for it. I am sorry I can't.. Idk)
I tired to stay awake but gave up and did the things I usually do when I'm tired..... I fought my sleep by eating food. Idk why but if I eat I can stay awake. I didn't want to go to bed. It was kind of early. But I think I did anyway. I slept really hard like.. Super hard. I woke up really stiff so I know i did not move around a lot while I was asleep. Had to do my morning stretching cat yoga twice to get things moving.
So here I am.
Today I wash laundry and we need to go to the storage unit and take stuff that is cluttering up the house. Also I need to look for my box of tights because they apparently aren't going to be selling dark brown tights this year. They have light brown. Like... What color is it... Tawn? Idk
Plus if I can fit into some of those old tights from two or three years ago, that will potentially save money because it's less I have to buy for this winter. Also I have one skirt I am missing and it is my favorite. So I really really really need to find it.
We ordered some stuff from "Wish" the other day... and if the quality is okay we will get more stuff. It will be a few weeks before it gets here. But that's OK.
Stan and I had a good day yesterday, despite the fact that I kept him up most of the night with my convulsions. I should have slept in the living room. I keep forgetting to do it. I wish Stan would remind me. Or suggest it. Because I don't think of it when it's happening but in retrospect I always do know i should have.
I hope Stan sleeps in this morning. He needs to. I feel bad about making him go to the storage unit today but we really need to do it. At least it's open 24/7 I think... So we could go tonight if he wants to rest most of the day.
Uh anyway this is a really long post. I didn't plan on writing this much, lol.
It's 9 am now haha