Wednesday, October 11, 2017

A quiet start to the week... Festival this weekend.

It's only wednesday... but I have a feeling this week is going to be a good one for me. And also know that 70% of making this happen is BELIEVING its going to happen. (#thesecret)
So on Monday I went to town and got things I didn't want Stan to get for me because I had already made him spend so much money. (every time this happens I get this really bad self hate and it nags at me for days)

So i got some washi tape for my planner, paper clips, etc. i also got stuff for dad to display his wood decor wall hangings at the festival this saturday. i worked on my planner after i got home until it was time to cook dinner. YES i cooked dinner. my husband wants fish sticks and macaroni and cheese.. so i made that for him while he was on the way home. i ate one serving of the fish sticks and half a serving of the mac and cheese (that stuff has a fuck ton of calories, btw)
i have been having really bad "hypnic jerks" or :convulsions or whatever they are .. when i'm falling asleep. i heard recently that this is a possible side effect of psychiatric medications and that if the medication isn't stopped they have the potential to most likely be permanent. so fml apparently i am stuck with this shit unless they have some kind of medicine for epilepsy that can keep me from flopping around on the bed for an hour before falling asleep every night. sometimes it's so bad i just give up and stay awake.. which is bad for my bipolar... throws my moods off. causes mixed or hypomanic episodes. but i'll be damned if i lay in bed next to my husband (who is trying to sleep so he can go to work) while flopping around on the bed like a fish our of water every 4-10 seconds or so. So I have decided that until we figure out what is going on and (hopefully) are able to get it better...I am going to go into the living room and try to sleep or just do whatever i do when i'm awake at night.

on monday night i laid in bed through the hypnic jerks and actually got a good nights sleep. (i gave up one time and tried again)

and tuesday was a good day.... i ate my "safe" foods and watched orange is the new black and chilled out in the living room because stan came home early.. my husband is sick and he never ever gets sick so i know it must be pretty bad. =( i worry about him so much.
so I let Stan have the bedroom and i camped out on the couch all day.
Stan did something really really nice and used his debit card to pay for me to get a downloadable virtual console game form the nintendo e-store for the 3ds. even though i didn't deserve it at all. so now i have pokemon gold to play!!!! and maybe.. just maybe.... i will get the pokemon bank thing and i can keep all my pokemon from the games... and never lose my precious little babies that i raise in the games... because they are my babies. i love my pokemon.
on tuesday mom went with pawpaw to tuscaloosa to get him some velcro shoes... because, well, he is having trouble putting his shoes on. i mean he is 82 after all... no shame in velcro shoes lol

and now its wednesday
i didnt sleep last night. at all. but i feel ok. which means i'm getting hypomanic. which means i have to be careful. i do bad things when i get manic.

later today we are going to the storage unit to look for the cash box and money bag for dad to use at the festival on saturday.
after that we are going to go to winn-dixie and get me some yogurt because i am running low.... i eat so much yogurt... its crazy.

on friday night we are going to the festival site to set up the tent and tables for saturday.. so make things easier saturday morning.

on saturday the entire family crew is gonna be there to support dad. he has worked really hard on this stuff and i am impressed and proud of him and his work. i will take photos and post them here or on facebook. the stuff he has made is mostly bible verses and stuff... wall hangings and such.
there is a slight possibility that some of my aunts/uncles will come to the festival. maybe more people i don't know.... and really, i don't want to think about it too much because it makes me nervous and i am already going to be a nervous wreck of anxiety because its a festival with people and noise and i am uncomfortable like... i am being judged by every single person who looks at me.... i can't make the feelings stop.. it is constant... the feeling of being judged and watched and found disgraceful and ugly and fat and worthless and useless and disgusting.

this is what i go through every day. this voice in my head that watches over me and judges me. i don't get to relax. i don't get time to be normal. its always there. and people wonder why i am so stressed out or acting weird... you try fighting a battle with your own mind every single second of every single day. and that's just the social anxiety and eating disorder part. don't even get me started on the bipolar batshits. jesus christ.

so anwyays.... i know Alabama homecoming is saturday but we are going to be busy... atleast we wont be having a huge party cookout with tons of greasy fatty food that i want to eat but can't and feel miserable about.

so anyways... its wednesday. going to the grocery store this afternoon. and storage unit. storage unit first. then grocery store.

i need to change the litter in the cat box!!!! i completely forgot! but i have to wait until the garbage truck has gotten the garbage so i can get the garbage can and put the used litter in there.... so i dunno when i will be doing that i guess i will ask mom if the truck has run yet.

my mom is putting in an avon order today and she is ordering me 3 of the BIG volumizing mascaras in waterproof black. i have tried to use mascara from walmart or the drug store or whatever.. and i just can't do it.. nothing works for me as good as the avon stuff. i don't know what i will do if she ever stops selling avon. lol

it's 11am so i'm gonna go check on my husband and see if he is awake and wants food.

its three weeks until the open enrollment for Stan's insurance.
I am nervous and dreading it and excited all at once. I have mixed feelings about some things regarding my mental health treatment and i don't know... i will just have to wait and see what happens.

anyways good day to anyone who reads this. blessings to you.

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