Monday, August 21, 2017


It's Monday. I am writing this offline in google keep so I can upload later today when I get service.
I have a few things on my mind. Okay that's not true I have a ton of things on my mind.

1. I will probably never get to have a real conversation with my Nana again. This hurts very badly. Something else that hurts is one of the last things I remember her saying to me that I could make out was about her being fat. Nana is not fat. She had bulimia when she was younger and never got over the mental part of it I guess. And that makes me so sad... Because that might be one of the last thoughts she has and one of the last things she was able to say... Like.. That is what this mental illness does to you. That could and probably will be one of my last thoughts too. And it's really sad. It's heart breaking. I knew nana had eating disorder and so do I but... Its just... I wish there was something else that she could have focused on in some of her last coherent thoughts. I hate that she never got freedom from the ED. Makes me. Wonder if I ever will. And If I won't then why even try to recover and be normal in the first place.... If it's always going to be  there haunting you like a ghost. It would not go away. It just gets smaller and less powerful in your life and mind. But it's there. Waiting for a moment of weakness to come so it can sink its claws into you.

I don't know.... I usually don't talk about my eating disorder like this. But... Idk. Just idk anymore. It is the only thing keeping me sane right now because everything is in the shitter.


2. Having something to do that feels like a job and is a scheduled thing is working good for me. I am getting the energy out and sleeping through the night. And sleeping through the night is one of the key things about keeping the bipolar mind stable. Needs structure and routine and healthy amount of sleep and activity. I know every person needs these things... But when you're bipolar the lack of sleep makes you go batshit and you need less and less sleep and go more and more crazy. Depression is the opposite most times. Though sometimes you can have Insomnia with it too. Idk. The point of this is that i have been doing things and getting exhausted and sleeping from 10 till 5/6 am... And it feels good. I feel mentally more stable. I am able to remember things. I am rewatching Game of Thrones and I am remembering shit this time. I didn't remember anything last time... Which is why I started over at the beginning.

3. My dad still has not gotten a job no place he has applied for has call him for interview.. My dad is not dumb. He is extremely intelligent and has many skills. He just doesn't have  piece of paper saying he has these skills. He isn't "schooled and certified" he just knows these things. And he is 53 years old. People don't want to hire him.
I'm asking.... If you read this.... Please pray for my dad. He is losing his mind from having nothing to do. He feels unproductive and useless. Yes the lack of money is making him upset too... But the mental emotional feeling of being useless is so much worse. Dad is an active member of the church here. He is  good man. He is one of the people that makes decisions when they vote on stuff. Idk what he is called exactly. We are methodist. (or they are. I believe in a universal God... There is no need for the differet religion if people would be more accepting and understanding of their fellow man. We just have different ways we want to worship. I haven't found a church that meets my needs in that area because I have eclectic spiritual beliefs. But i believe there is one God. He just shows himself in various ways to the various people over time in n history (sometimes as multiple gods because that is what those specific people responded to the most when trying to comprehend the divine God) to try and make a connection with as many people as possible and over the years some people have clung to the past eras way of connecting with God.. Because it is familiar to them they were raised that way. Because he wants all his children to walk in the light)

Long story short there is one God that assumes many roles and has many costumes and presents himself in various ways to make himself available to as many people as possible so that all people can walk in his light.

I see the bigger biggest picture when in comes to religion. Past denominations. And individual religion. Every religion deserves respect and is valid in its own way. But it is just their way of interpretating the divine that best suits those people.

I got off on taking wild tangent there... I guess because I am sitting here with nothing to do but think.

I will stop talking about this now. I dont want to upset anyone... Just wanted to let people know I believe in one God. And I am part of the coexist thought group. In a way.

Anyway my dad has started Making wall hang and decor. Mostly inspirational and religious stuff. And they are awesome me buys most of the letters for the phrases precut but he sits with his little saw and cuts out these intricate images in thin ply wood of people kneeling at the cross. And hands praying. And doves. And cross with fancy stuff on the ends to decorate them.
My dad is very skilled. Completely self taught. I need to get photos of his stuff and make a post of just his work.

4. I have lost a little bit of weight and I am very happy with it. I know the means by which u am doing it is not healthy. It is very disordered and sick and not right. But it is the only way I know how. I don't know what normal eating is. I either eat too much. Or not enough. I can't find the middle ground. I have no Idea what that middle ground is. Even in highschool I was weird about food. I can't remember a time I wasn't weird about food. And now it just seems like the only things that makes any sense anymore.

5. Stan has been amazing and I love him and I am sad that I haven't been able to give him the attention I want to give him... I just don't have the energy or time. We are both counting the days until our anniversary vacation.... It is going to be epic. I hope to he in a hood place mentally and emotionally so i can enjoy it and also Stan can enjoy it. Because If I am miserable I know he won't be happy either. I chose Panama city Beach because that is where my nana and pawpaw always took me when I was little. The stuff that was there is mostly gone (miracle strip theme park etc) but some of the stuff is still there and there is new stuff.
I'm having Stan look up restaurants in the area to try and get a feel for what we want to do for our dinners our while we are down there.
I am having trouble getting a swimsuit that fits because the one I was going to wear and bought the bottoms for is too big and will fall off when it gets wet.
The swim stuff is on clearance at Walmart i might go by there after work and get a new bottom part (just need something in black) the top i can manage its loose but it's ok.

Okay I am going to stop typing out this now it's 9am. I have been here for one hour. Nana hasn't opened her eyes or moved.

I love her but I think she is miserable and I don't want her to be miserable... It might be better if she passes on. She has two brothers and a sister and her mom waiting for her on the other side. She loves them very much and kept talking about seeing them.
I just want her to be at peace. Whatever that might be. I don't know.

Nana saves my life in a way. I wanted to make sure she knew but I ran out of time.... And now it's too late.

I'm going back stop typing now for real.


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