Thursday, July 20, 2017

today was the hardest day

I went to visit my nana today... she has terminal brain cancer. and they dont know how long she will be alive. they are just letting it run its course.

when i got there she didnt even recognize me.
she thought i was a nurse or someone from hospice.
she asked me "have you been here before"
i thought she was joking.... but she didnt recognize me.
when she did she got really happy. and she stayed mostly happy the time i was there.
she did the "look at my house and see what stuff you want to take when i die thing" and i started sobbing. and i had to hold back because it just... i cant let her see me like that.
i told her before i left about some of the memories i have... the PRICE IS RIGHT COME ON DOWN play thing we did. her petting my head rubbing my ear while i sat in her lap until i fell asleep. wearing pawpaws big white tshirts as nighties. she said those were precious memories. that she couldn't believe i remembered but i do. i do. and i will never forget. there are other things... we slept in the same bed when i was staying over there (and we did the dutch oven fart under the covers things lmao). and we would giggle and play under the covers like kids. i remember her giving me baths in the bathtub (i was allergic to this one soap they tried to use. i remember it made me break out in a rash) i remember playing with an old telephone that had the handle ear piece and sat on a desk and pretending to call people. i remember eating plain vanilla ice cream in big huge plastic bowls while we watched tv. and we always ordered a pepperoni thin crust pizza from pizza hut. and then we would freeze the left overs and eat it while it was frozen like a pizza ice cream pop. she had me with banana popsicles and choc milk (couldnt say chocolate) and i was her little princess. we would go to the movie gallery and rent movies for me to watch every time i stayed there and i picked "the Little Princess" almost every single time. i have read the book. i own the movie. its part of my childhood.

she was okay today. it was a good day for her. though she doesnt know it herself... but we can see from the outside it was a good day.

i was there while the hospice nurses came in and did their thing

i said good bye and it started sobbing... and she was crying and i told her i would come visit her every week and i am going to. i have to. this is my nana. i cant... i cant even... i cant the feels are too much

.....i left and went to eat lunch with mom and pawpaw at this cafeteria type place. i got a baked chicken breast and nothing else. i couldn't eat anything else. i drove myself so on the way to the restaurant i just started sobbing and gasping for air while driving and i thank god i was able to drive to the place without wrecking i dont know how i did it but i did.
i ate my chicken and excused myself from lunch because i needed a break from the feelings. so i got in the car and went to walmart and sat in the car a while and went in eventually. got a new journal for when i finish this one for $1.88 some of the equate vitamin c drops because the ones from dollar general taste funny. they used to taste fine but now they taste weird. and i got a new huge bottle of water.

i went to dollar tree and hoped theyd have wire for jewelry making but they didnt. they also didnt have any cosmetics that i was hoping to find.
i got a planner that starts in august and marshmallows (90 cals for 4) and a huge rice krispy treat. (nana used to make them for me home made when i came to visit and we would eat the whole thing... its a comfort food... but the ones they sell are never as good as home made obviously)

i took my time driving home.
(unlike on the way there. i was driving 60 most of the way)

i have bad feels and i want to lay down and rest but i needed to post this before it got away from me.

(we are still waiting to hear if stan got the job in pensacola... i hope he did. we need it badly. it would be a life changer for us. in the good way.)

my dad hasn't gotten a job but he has a prospect of one that he is hoping will pan out. until then he is making wall hangings with rusted metal and wood and wood letters that say things like "hope" "faith" "blessed" etc. he is distressing the paint and making it look old. i love my dad for these things because i can see where i get my creative artistic stuff from (other than mawmaw-- which is his mom. so same blood line)

ok i have to lay down i feel a migraine coming but i hope its just a normal headache because i dont know if i can handle a migraine right now.

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