Tuesday, June 20, 2017

its ONLY tuesday???? ugh

it feels like thursday or something. man...

okay so i slept until 3am and woke up and stayed up until 5am. this is starting to be a habit. but we shall see how if affects my bipolar shit and then decide if i should do something about the waking up

stan is really getting nervous about the thing that is happening and i cant make it better but i am trying to comfort him. he usually doesnt want comforting but he is letting me this time which means he must be in really bad shape mentally and emotionally. =(
i am one of those people who have to obsessively plan and list what will happen so i have a notebook with lists and thoughts about whats going on. i can help make sense of it. i think.
i hope.
we are expecting a phone call any day now.
i'm suspecting wed thurs or fri though.
so much to think about and do and things have to go exactly as planned or pretty damn close or this will all have been a waste of energy and time.
and if this thing doesn't happen then we have the other thing to do--- the back up plan. of him finding something else. which scares the hell out of me. like really really really scares me. because if he looks and cant find it will be like how dad is looking for a job and i cant fucking handle two people doing this especially when stan is the one that takes care of me. i am frightened.
i wish he was happy at his current job and got paid the right amount and things could stay stable.
but on the other hand i really really kind of want to move to KY. i've gotten excited about it. i can dress and act how i want and meet people (this is the thing that will be best for me)and be artsy fartsy and all these things that i have kind of put aside lately. AND i would get to use a wellness center and work out which i need. and get a real doctor and see a doctor and have insurance and i dont know.. just...

in other news.. on top of my nana being sick and possibly having brain cancer
my mawmaw (dads mom) is sick and having issues with her blood or something and i think they made her get a CT today i dont know..
this is all too much on me right now... all the people getting sick. and the BIG THING that is possibly happening (AND all the things we have to do if it happens.. and trust me the list is a mile long!), dad looking for a job and the thing with my brother still bothers me (bless his heart, damn it)
plus i have stan's mom Miss joy to worry about. and also the thing with Stan's cousin being weird.
my pawpaw (nana's husband-moms dad) is starting to show his age and decline in what he can do. he is like... 85? and technically he is doing great for his age but... hes starting to get... you know.
and its sad and i hate it

i'm frightened that all three of my living grandparents are going to die around the same time.

tonight is spaghetti and i dont plan on eating anything but maybe a cup of noodles with garlic salt on them.
stan is going to be very tired and grumpy tonight i am pretty sure. so i have to be in the right mindset to handle that

but yeah

really really really need this BIG THING to work out right. please. please god please.

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