Sunday, February 12, 2017

a slow weekend

we were supposed to have a date day on saturday but i decided to stay home and thats okay

on friday we have pizza friday.

twas delicious. i have cut back on my eating so i still have pizza left over and its sunday!!!

i have to stop eating so much because i hate myself and my body and i never have a good day because of it.
it like this dark cloud over even the best of days. it never goes away. and i will never be fully happy until i lose weight. Stan forgets that often. he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to even get out of bed when i look like this. its hard. everyday is hard. i dont feel like myself anymore. i feel like a stranger in my own body.

i dont have a therapist to talk to anymore so it makes it worse
and if i did go to the therapist it would cost $160 a visit

so i cant even go. its not an option.

yesterday i slept a lot and watched Greys Anatomy... 

today i unloaded the dish washer and put dishes back in and i just started a load of clothes

my nails are getting long againn so i am having trouble typing again

i'm out of cigarettes which makes me irritable

despite not showering as much as i should i have been taking care of my face and keeping is moisturized and clean

i have decided to stop doing my daily log in the composition journals because its over kill when i keep another journal and a planner. though i will finish it out through feb because i used washi tape and decorated for the whole month already

i almost never use my computer anymore.. i get on here to blog and thats it. and half the time i blog on my phone too so thats even less on the computer than it would normally be

my dad hasnt gotten a job yet and its driving me insane i am so scared that stan is going to be the only thing keeping my parents from being homeless
itss too much to ask stan. he has to much going on already and i hate that its gotten to this.
i hate it.
i hate ATT and i hate the world for being such a bad thing to my Dad who has been nothing but amazing. he was ATTs best worker.. he even got awards for it. why cant he get a job. i dont know. its making me lose my shit. i am bawling my eyes out right now.

i have to drive my car today or start it and let it run...

i am so depressed and the psych told me flat out that she cant increase my antidepressants anymore. so i am stuck here. i am stuck in depression for the rest of my life. i have no other options. this is it for me
i sleep 12 hours a day or more. i dont have the drive to do anything at all. i cant take care of myself half the time. when my psych asks me if i have feeling of hurting myself or other people i want to tell her that i want to hurt her because she wont fix me.

my anxiety is paralyzing and the buspar doesnt even help at all but i cant stop taking it becaue i dont know how my body would react... i dont want to go through withdrawls and maybe it is working a little bit and my anxiety is just that bad that it doesnt make a dent in it hardly

this is the longest blog i have posted in a while and its just me whining 
i hate myself

No comments:

Post a Comment

Ok.... So. My husband is amazing

My wonderful husband has done so much for me lately. He got my car fixed. He bought replacement controllers for the Nintendo switch because ...