Tuesday, February 9, 2016

hello internet long time no posty

i have been trying to keep my head on straight for the past week and i think i might have finally made some progress
its going to be another three weeks or so before the medication for OCD starts working

and yes, i have been officially diagnosed with OCD
and apparently, from talking to my therapist-- who ALSO has OCD and is on medication and able to work--- the wide range of different "obsessions" and "compulsions" and "intrusive" thoughts i have are why i am having a harder time than most people... because most people just have germ issues. or counting numbers. or whatever... and i have many different things at the same time on top of each other.

she told me that it is NOT normal to have these things going on-- but for someone with severe OCD it IS normal. so we are having to differentiate between things when we say they are normal... like- are they normal for people without mental illness? or are they normal for people WITH mental illness.
big difference there-- have to remember which context people are talking to me in or i feel like i am being belittled and and dismissed and that is almost traumatizing in a way.

so right now I am on the following medications:
40mg prozac (SSRI for depression and also helpful for anxiety)
40mg latuda (depression and antipsychotic)
15mg buspar 3x a day (anxiety medication)
50mg luvox (depression but targets OCD)

so thats that

i am kind of unsure if the wellbutrin will be missed i think we might add it back later. my prozac is a lowered dose ... it was 60mgs. and the buspar is a higher dose because my anxiety is fairly crippling at this point.

i am almost done with my Salvidor Dali art print journal and it has been my favorite so far!!!
the pages are really thick and there wasnt as much pages so it went by pretty fast... i used it up in less than a month

my head is feeling weird again today which makes me think maybe its the medication starting to work
its not a BAD weird just different almost like there is less pressure inside my brain i dont know how to explain it.. i just want to sigh a lot and lay here for a bit cause its a relief to have... some relief

i want to overhaul my blog layout and i will have to get a good image editor and brush up on some code stuff i think.. but it will be worth it

i am waiting for the garbage people to empty the dumpsters so i can take out the god damn garbage i have three bags here and its really gross and i cant FULLYYYYY relax until its gone and even then i have to unload the dishwasher and wash dishes and dry pillows and and get ready for dinner and fffffff
it never ends
but i am making it work
that is the thing that matters

my therapist told me that just getting up at 7am each day and feeding my cat and walking the dog is something to be proud of when you think about how bad things are ... that i am able to still take care of pets and my plants and keep house... i am doing ok. i need to realize that the fact that i am keeping house somewhat clean is better than some people do at all. and im doing it.
and im taking care of pets and my man and i journal and i talk to April and and mom and i am trying to plan a wedding so i just need to realize that... i am ok... even the little things are victories
even the tiniest things

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