Friday, December 11, 2015

i got the bad feels, man

the past few days i've had a LOT of anxiety.. and its the worst kind---- i cant FIGURE OUT WHAT THE ROOT OF IT IS. i am just sitting here unable to do most anything. i could have done a bunch of things today that would usually make me happy and give me joy (i could bake a pie, make jewelry, read, play around organizing my planner stuff with my new bag and organizer, i could have washed the dog, i could have went to the store and walked around if i wanted to leave but it was too hard to get ready i couldnt do it)--- but i am sitting here paralyzed. i cant make a lot of thoughts come together at once and when i think about doing any of the things i was going to do this feeling in my chest takes over and i space out to avoid the feels. sleep is the easiest thing to do.

i found out today that the plans for our SUPER EARLY CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION with my parents tomorrow is going to be fucked up because my mom has to go the the mental hospital where nana is and have a meeting with her doctor. to be fair-- this time she didnt do anything bad, she chose to admit herself while she was getting her medication adjusted. its probably the most responsible thing she has done in a long time. and i think its because of the bipolar magazine she has started reading each month and talking to me.
here lately i am wondering if im bipolar at all... i'm so depressed.. most everything seems to be related to anxiety and ocd and eating problems and body image and self esteem

but i know that as soon as spring gets here i am going to be batshit happy happy go go go and i need to remind myself that two winters ago, the one right before i started seeing Stan--- i was so depressed i didnt get out of bed most days. it was seriously bad. last year was better i had gotten on new meds and what not... but something about this years winter downtime slope is really getting to me... it gets dark so early.. i want to go to bed at 5pm and a lot of the time I DO go to bed at 6 or so.
i'm not withdrawing from caffeine, i am sure of that, so that is not the issue
the other possibility other than seasonal bipolar mood swing and or SAD is that i really never found out if my thyroid is ok and my grandmother was a nurse she felt of my neck and look at me an said she thinks i need to get my thyroid looked at.... she has had trouble with hers since forever. and my greatgrandma had something really bad happen with hers but i cant remember what it was exactly.
im guessing my mom might not be as over weight as she is if she looked into her thyroid and hormones, mom has always had issues with stuff like that but never took the time to care for herself
i guess thats where i get that character trait from---

its almost 7pm
i was asleep from 11 am until 1pm and then again for an hour or so ... and now i am laying here and i want to sleep more.

everything is so exhausting. mentally and emotionally. not always physically but sometimes that too. mostly just emotionally and mentally. though i am sure some people are wondering how you get emotionally exhausted.... its a thing i swear.

I talked to Alaina yesterday and she and I are going to take time to use google hangouts and chat via webcam because we totally always wanted to do that but never really got to and i KEEP FORGETTING THAT I CAN DO THAT NOW ANYTIME I WANT TOOOO lol
i should do this with my other girlfriend Jo if she can get a computer and do it
but Alaina and I... dude, she is something amazing... she went from alcoholic passing out waking up in hospital er rooms to... she's getting her doctorate in psych something or nothing.. like... she is legit the miracle case that you read about... she is the person who write and sells award winning memoirs--- and she plans to. she also said i would be in it.. she has come so fucking far. one sheer will power.
i am so proud to call her a friend. i want to visit her someday. just me. so was can really spend time together. i know travelling alone is going to be hard for me but i think if i can do it---- it would be brave. and she is worth it. she is so inspiring.

i am going to either read some of my next books now--- "the grey king" book number 4 in the dark is rising sequence... or write in my little journal notebooks about my anxiety/ocd/ed/depression for my new therapist.. its serious going to be the thing that gets me through the holidays...

tomorrow i pack up everything--- cookies, cake, gifts, herc, clothes, books, planner --- everything but Lilly because she is staying home since we will only be there for one night and i dont want to stress her out over one night when just two weeks from now she will be having to go to her Nana and pawpaws house and stay there without me for almost two weeks.

and we are having our christmas thing tomorrow
and i dunno

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