Monday, November 30, 2015

last day of november

i'm totes starting decorating for the holidays this week

i have to try to get an appointment at indian rivers this month asap and get that shit sorted

about to get dressed, make stan's lunch box and walk the dog if he feels up to it--- Herc had two seizures yesterday afternoon and night and it was very scary and makes me very worried and sad

ok chores, shopping more chores.
also maybe getting ready to cook dinner???

okay i got something awesome for christmas decoration that is also starwars. i didnt see it before today so i am glad i went today
its outside and stan will see it when he gets home yaaaay

okay i have done things today but they were really exhausting and involved hanging lights and holding shit up for a long time while i fixed it and i dunno that on top of my back and arms already being sore are not a good mix

i have to cook at 4:30 but it wont take long... i
i got distracted watching #plannergirl videos on youtube lolol
i cook now

i actually took some of the chicken i cooked and ate it before adding the rest to the sauce for stans chicken and rice thing. it was good. i need to do that more often..

after i walked Herc i came back in and i guess the going outside pushed my head sinus allergy cold conglomeration over the edge because i now feel like absolute shit and i want to lay here and read and go to bed.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

sundayyyyy finally home yay

thanksgiving was wonderful. i took the risk and ate food that i didnt plan on letting myself eat
i gained like three pounds... maybe 4 at the most.
i guess that is going to have to be okay. theres nothing i can do about it now

i am going to make myself busy busy busy and try also to get on the exercise bike a few times this coming week

I went to Bama's baby shower on saturday and it was very small ... I guess people decided to watch the FB game instead.. lol. cant say i blame them.. but I wanted to support Bama (and Amber, who hosted the shower) because they have been very supportive of me and Stan and my deciding to have a wedding and all that so thats what family does and I love them.

there were like. 6 little boys running around outside the house at the shower... so many kidssssss and theres about to be another little boy haha
and then hopefully another when Stan and I get to baby making mode.
I hope.

i felt like shit on saturday and fought it off to go to the shower and came home and ate and went to bed at like... 4pm?
i dunno... i needed to sleep. i pulled muscles in my entire body trying to pop stuff in my back and stretch out muscles and yeah.. leave it to me to seriously  pull muscles while doing next to nothing
i hurts really bad.. i felt of my back on the right side and the area covering the shoulder blade on that side was swollen up like.. almost two inches higher than the left side. i think I let Stan massage it and press on it too hard, i dont know.. it hurt-- then felt good.. when he did whatever he did.. and then it felt worse
i did carry a LOT of heavy things this past week--- my books and suitcase and Lilly's carrier and all the stuff.. i dont know

I am so glad to be home.. i miss my routine and schedule and I hate being around so much fucking food

i dug in my closet an found photos from highschool band.. its insane to see how much different i looked... i really had no idea that my hair being parted that way was so unflattering.. i think it wouldnt have been so bad if i had did something different with my hair.. but i didnt really give a fuck back then, i guess. i dont know..

i have to try and get the clothes in the dryer and done tonight
and also i guess i have to cook for Stan... i really just want to lay here and read a book though... 

i'm still so very tired
i dont know what or why
i guess holidays are over whelming

this next week... gotta get some crazy person poor person stuff taken care of.. hopefully nobody will give me the run around i will freak the fuck out on them i swear.. ugh

Thursday, November 26, 2015

its 7am on turkeyday

i am wide awake and getting ready to drive out to my mom's house
sleep did good but i slept very odd.. deeply, but in small spurts. of an hour at a time
oh well

atleast it feels like some of the humming and fog is gone from my head. though my eyes still have that weird feeling. maybe i just need a tiny bit more sleep and it will go away

the number on the scale has went down and what i see in the mirror looks even  LARGER than it was before.. i am so... just... the scale is lying to me... but its not.. i cant.. does not compute... i usually can see what i look like but i really cant at all.. i whole heartedly think my arms and legs and bigger than they were.. but they cant be... or my weight wouldnt be down. so wtf
its getting weird

but i am VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY close to my GOAL for the KY trip!!!
so i am happy
this weekend is a test of .... something

i have to take the scale with me, there is no other way i can make it through that many days with so much food
but i will eat just small amounts
and it will be okay
i want to eat one spoon full of everything that I like (i'm not gonna force myself to eat stuff i dont like, obviously lol)

i'm eating yogurt and tying away... i dont have much to do to get ready other than finish packing and throw some clothes on... i dont do much makeup and my hair is fine and i just have to round up the cat and gtfo

i am gonna get ready and head and update this again later


okay so its after thanksgiving mean and i am about to explode.
i ate a lot more than i wanted to and i dont know how i feel about that just yet.. and i wont know until i get on the scale and see what the damage it..
Nana was mostly okay today other than the time she got distracted looking around outside and ended up walking down the road to look at the house on the corner that we all hoped we could buy back into the family land when the people who married into the family and inherited it passed on but nope.. no such luck they sold it to someone else. but it *IS* someone who lives right here that we know and have known them a long time so i mean.... as bad as it is.. atleast its not a complete stranger... thats how i feel about it anyways.. i could be worse

i ate turkey, mashed potatoes.. and my green bean casserole was FUCKING EPIC GOOD.. like.. i cannot even.. i have no idea it was going to be that good. i am really excited it turned out that way... i added crushed up cheese nips to the french friend onions and parmesan cheese.

nana and paw paw have already left... gordon and Krista were here for the meal but they left cause they have to go do their thing

they are going to go to black friday hunting

i most definitely done eating today.

oh wow despicable me 2 is on FX???
i miss have tv hahaha
we are going to be at my parents house until sunday and i am going to a baby shower on saturday
i dont know if i am going by myself or if mom is going with me.... but its for douglas's wife, bama. she is having her FOURTH BABY
jesus christ
they need to leave some babies out there for the rest of us to have
haha lol jk i dont know if i can ever have kids... but i really want to AND IM GOING TO TRY LIKE HELLLLLLL

my mom just got really blown away because i am typing this entry and looking at her and watching what she is doing. lol old people who didnt grow up on computers are funnnnny
miss Lilly did moderately okay on the trip here.. she cried a lot of the time but it wasnt that bad..
there was a guy driving beside me on hwy 69 who was starting at me while i was petting her through the cage with one hand and driving with the other. i was also digging through my purse looking for a light and a lint brush and my lip gloss and yeah i am really bad about doing things while i am driving... when i'm manic i kind multi task for a lot of things.. like now how i am watching tv and listening to my parents and typing at the same time
its funny how sometimes i can barely focus on one thing but then other times i can do like.. four things at a time... i guess thats why when stan has been doubting me and if i can remember things or know things lately i am getting really defensive.. but i have to admit that for a while i didnt remember or couldnt do anything hardly at all, i cant really be upset because just a while ago i was kind of blaaaah

okay so i think i want to go eat some more of my green bean casserole lolololol omg i am going to get so fattttt

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

humpday cookday pack up be ready to go day

that about sums today up
I'm making chocolate covered pretzels and and packing up stuff to make my casserole at moms and packing clothes and getting everything i need together for the entire weekend

I slept on the couch last night so Stan could get a good nights sleep. i talk and move around too much in my sleep and its starting to bother him... which makes me sad and makes me feel like a bad wife. i dont know what to do.. i might need to be on some kind of medication that knocks me the fuck out? i know they do sleep studies but that is probably expensive and i dont even know... i might not be able to sleep anywhere but home anyways so it would be useless id ont know know whatever... i just know i do talk a lot in my sleep.. ALOT and i do stuff and i used to sleep walk. i might still sleep walk. i dont know... i've done this since i was a child but its gotten worse here lately


i made stans lunch box, saw him off to work, walked the dog, checked the mail again even though i had already checked it yesterday but i cant not check it if im right there. then we came back here and and i am eating yogurt and about to go to the walmart for some lady problem medicine and i am pissed as fucking hell and sad and outraged and i mad and pissed and sad and wish i didnt have a cooter but i do and theres nothing i can do about it. fml fml fml fml. #cooterprobs

Then I will make these pretzels.. and do some chocolate covered (off brand) oreos
and make a list and pack and check list again and and sit here with my planner and decide what to take with me this weekend.. probably going to take the xmas cards so we can start signing them to give them out next month... we problably have 50 to sign so its best to get going as soon as possible in my opinion

i am typing really fucking fast this morning and i dont wanna go back to check for errors so take this as it is i'm gonna upload this post and eat and go to store and come back and probably check this again and fix it and add more and make pretzels and read somewhere in between because i still have like.. 8 books to read... getting close now though and i think i will definitely make it to my goallll

i slept like 4 hours last night and i am flyinggggg

today has been a nightmareeeeeeee

and i have had my smiley face mask on the entire TIIIIIMMMEEEEEEE
until this evening
just too much shitttttheidoghvaorhjgordfhgldf
im supposed to take a shower tonight but lolololololololololololololol
FAT CHANCE im so tired i would probably fall asleep as soon as the hot water hit my skin
no really i have to try i might just sit down in the tub and wash my hair and i dont know...

i keep spacing out and staring at walls and shit i am so listless and tired and i cant even snap out of it.. im just.... its like i reset every 15 mins.. and check online and and phone and zone out again... i wish Stan didn't have the TV so loud but its his apartment... and whatever. i need quiet. but i cant get it right now

i have got to figure out how to fall asleep without having so many god damn convulsions and shit.. and talking in my sleep really loud and i dont know... god damn it.. cause its like im not sleeping.. i dont know.. god damn it

damn it damn it damn it im going to go eat chocolate and cry and take a shower and cry in the shower and then attempt to untangle my hair before bed or someshit who the fuck knows maybe i will let it dry tangled and then cut the shit off and be done with it.. like grab a wad of tangles and cut it out until its just jagged edges and random everywhere.. i dont know wha ti am talkinga bout i am about batshit as it get right now

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

totally taxing tuesday nov 23, 2015

taxing as in exhausting.
so much to do.

okay so i have already taken my meds, made lunch box, walked herc, saw stan off to work.
and i have went shopping and had to buy an insanely huge bag of cat litter and i didnt want to but the small bags were sold out in two different stores so wtf

i also got stan some candy and sweet things
i got myself deoderant and astringent and soap
and hand soap for the house cause it was a huge ass bottle for really cheap and it was a refill bottle for dispensers so its cool.. its also got lotion stuff in it which i need for my old lady dry dishwashing hands

the cat litter is 25 pounds and so heavy and i am so fucking exhausted and i havent even gotten it out of the car yet!
i dont think i will be vacuuming today... the floors arent that bad and we wont be here most of this week anyway

so fuck that shit

its 11 am and i am DONE so fucking tired and i have so much to do before thursday and even on thursday and wtfff being a house wife around the holidays is HARD WORK i need a raise lmao =P


its 2:30 and i have.. change the catbox, seasoned the porkchops for dinner and put the rest away and also seasoned them.. wrote down some packing things for this week because i started panicking because i am afraid i am going to forget something when i leave buttttt
stan is leaving after me later in the day and he can bring anything i forget!! isnt that awesome.. maybe we should do this more.. we ALWAYS FORGET SOMETHING
its like planning for the fail. lmao

I am about to clean up Mac's utility room cause Murph likes to knock his water over and spill it every single day

okay so the floor of macs utility room is... dry and crusted over with.... whatever was in the water when it dried.. i didnt wanna completely mop the thing so i just tidy'd up and fed the cat and played with him and gave him some of Lilly's yarn and left.
I came back here.. got the clothes out of the dryer and my bood sugar crashed so bad that i passed out for a second and the jerks back and i apparently cried at the same time i dont know.. anyways..
and i have been laying on the bed with the deskfan blowing on me, drinking water and eating animal crackers..

i am pooped and i need to plan everything for this week before i go insane andi have to COOK TONIGHT TOO SERIOUSLY I LOVE THIS BEING BUSY THING BUT THE HOLIDAYS ARE LIKE... DA FUCK


Monday, November 23, 2015

grocery shopping dayyyyyy --- manic mondayyyy nov 23 2015

yayyayayayayy its foodstamp day (might be one of the last i ever have because of their new rules but i think my doctor will write me a letter to help me on that)

going to dollar tree, ALDI, then Walmart. then coming home. unloading the groceries and putting them away. Then I have to unload the dishwasher and fold the towels that are in the dryer. also have to check on Mac's cat Murphy because we are catsitting this week =) =) =) i love kittiesss

i dont know about dinner... i will have to ask Stan.

i am eating egg whites and drinking some english breakfast tea with soy milk. i need some calories and sugar this morning lol

i will take some animal crackers and tiger pop suckers with me also peppermints... and glucose tablets. i never know what my blood sugar is gonna do when i go out and get active and do stuff... its like playing with fire every time.
i have to be prepared.


i get to dress cute today in my winter clothes, so that is an extra amount of exciting!!!!

okay i gotta go eat now.. i wanna get to the stores at 9am and its just a hair past 8 and i still have to get ready and see stan off and eat and load up the car --- taking a tiny cooler to keep some things cold on the way home because im going to get cold stuff before my last store stop and i need to get a bigger cooler and we will do that when we go back to my parents house this week for thanksgiving because we left our bigger cooler up there last time we were there.

okay goodbye.


okay so... everything went okay today except I there's a stray cat living in the ALDI parking lot and i want to help it and i cant but people are feeding it and they are trying to get him tame enough to pick up so he can have a home... other wise its only a matter of time until somebody hits him and that will break my heart... i sat there in the parking lot for 30 minutes after i put my groceries in the car talking to him and i got him to sniff my hand and he backed off he didnt run or hiss or anything just walked on like "okay now what" i dont think he is going to be a mean kitty i just think he needs another day or two of people talking to him and giving him food.. the poor little guy... i should have taken a picture.. but if i did i would have gotten even more attached to him... it was so so hard to walk away.. it was like abandoning a child.... like.. it made me sick to my stomach. and now i am teary eyed and about to cry.

i came home and brought over 9000 lbs of groceries inside and put the cold stuff away then the rest then i took the dog out for a walk and unloaded the dishwasher...
then i ate some apples and folded the towels..
and put them away
and i read some in my book and lost track of time...
I fed the dog... called my mom...
 and took out the trash then checked the mail

Stan got home right as I was checking the mail-- he had went to the store and i helped him get the stuff he bought into the house and thanked him for buying things for me because i am a needy little bitch or something. i feel like. i hate it. and i dunno. whatever.
 and then.....  then walked the dog again.
called mom again to clarify some details for the thanksgiving week plans.

and now i am... sitting here trying to decide what to eat and if i wanna read or watch the rest of pretty little liars or Murder She Wrote because I am an old lady
its 6:36pm btw

Sunday, November 22, 2015

sunday is planning dayyyy

so i get up today and do lots of house work and plan the next weeks events as much as i can.... the meals, the shopping, the errands, the phone calls, the chores, the whatevers... basic housewife shit that totally makes my day and i kind of get off on the planning

today i have made a detailed checklist for grocery shopping with items divided into the stores at which i will get them, or attempt to--- then defer to the next cheapest place for purchasing if they arent in stock at the lowest place.

if something is 5 or more cents cheaper at AlDI i will be getting it at ALDI from now on and this is very exciting.. though i have one hurdle-- the cold foods. i need a cooler in my trunk to keep stuff cold while i finish my shopping. so this is irritating. the cooler we do have is at my parents house so it is of no use to me and that makes me a tad bit angry. okay a lot a bit angry. the other option was stan's lunchbox but he is using is tomorrow... there WAS a styrofoam cooler his mom sent with us back from kentucky but i dont know what the fuck happened to it--- i had to hide it from Miss Lilly because she wanted to shred it into tiny little pieces of foam with her claws lol

i had some nice cream of celery with mushroom soup last night and it was a condensed soup and i didnt really water it down enough because i wanted to eat the whole can by i didnt want to have to eat THREE BOWLS OF IT and it was a thicker soup with less water. that being said... the amount of sodium i ingested has literally made me retain 2.5 lbs of water weight. i shit you not. and my legs are doing that weird thing where if you press on them there an indention in my skin that stays for a while.. yeah.

other weird health things? i woke up at 2am to try and poop and it took me two hours of straining to make any. lots of fucking pain. cramping. i was crying at one point. shit sucks man. and today i am still hurting like i need to go... or its my period cramps. i really cant tell the different when they're both really bad at the same time. and also i think i saw traces of blood in my stool just a few minutes ago but it was bright red meaning it is from the lower end of the digestive tract... and might just be from all the effort of trying to pass things early this morning (i hope) and that it goes away i hope that ... because if its just... i dont even know what to do... i cant go to the doctor... i would probably just let it keep going and see if i get sick?? or die? i dont know what all that crap is down there i dont have any idea about how all that stuff in my abdomen works i just know it makes a lot of weird squelchy noises and i can hear stuff moving around in there a lot... its not stomach hungry growling... its poop screaming let me out ok thanks.

i need to do more productive things but i am in pain and laying on my stomach because the pressure on my abdomen feels wonderful amongst the cramping

Saturday, November 21, 2015

ahhh saturday ----im fucking pissed off today btw, just sayin

after having time to sleep and recover from the dinner meeting last night i did really have a good time. i just felt rather awkward because of the setting and how hard it was to get anybodys attention to talk

today we kind of tried to sleep in but didnt succeed. we did however lay in bed and talk for an hour or two about random shit and it was night to just talk and cuddle and talk.

we are going shopping later for little things
but today and tomorrow are going to be resting

on monday i can to grocery shopping again and i get to go to ALDI for my main stuff for the first time ever since they opened wooooooooooo so excited

okay so today was kind of shit and i ended up going shopping alone and using the last of my cash (that was supposed to be for gas) on house stuff because i dont want to use stans debit card and blah blah blah
so i have like dimes and nickles
which means i cant get a cart at ALDI--- but without gas money if i go to ALDI on monday that means i will have no gas left (and no way to put more in) for the rest of the week and further on..

so idek what im gonna do on monday


im pissed off

im on my period
and im just pissed off

im gonna eating something and watch netflix or read or something


now its 6pm and we have decided that we will go put gas in my car tomorrow enough to get me through the entire week, even the weekend stuff. so that is good


idk we will figure it out

now i am eating cream of celery soup with mushrooms and im gonna watch things on netflix... but after im done eating im gonna get back to reading my book because its getting really gooooooddd

okay i watched a few more episodes of Pretty Little Liars and realized there's only 2 left on there right now... i think they are recording more right now so hopefully i will get some more to watch
i'm also watching Private Practice and Murder, She Wrote...
I like weird shows sometimes... the shows I remember people watching when i was a kid.. i'm going to ask my Nana what other shows she watched... I already know she wathed Golden Girls and Murder, She Wrote.. there mustve been other ones that i dont remember

I .... I totally had more to say but I took some "relax and sleep" pills from dollar tree and they are all herbal natural stuff but they sure do knock me out good now that i weigh less lol PERKS OF BEING SMALLER MEDICATION WORKS BETTER

Stan has started blogging and its exciting and scary at the same time\
i really planned on talk about this more but i can barely keeo my eyes focus so im gonna update this post and curl up in bed

Friday, November 20, 2015

finally friday nov 20, 2015

i have been all kinds of down in the dumps this week. i've been asleep more than i've been awake the past three days or so

and tonight i have committed to going to meet a bunch of my old friends from highschool band at a pizza place and i really am not feeling it but i am going to go anyway

i have to get dressed now or i will never make it on time because i know i am going to get distracted and stop and do something else and probably change my mind about going and then change it back again and i just need  a lot of time because i'm batshit ok

okay its 3:13pm and my shower went ok... though we did seem to run out of water faster than normal which kind of irritated me but i got over it because oh well what the fuck can i do about it i didnt need to shave my legs all the way anyway im wearing jeans and boots lol
oh my god i forgot about no shave november

my period started just now and its three days early so i suspect that might have something to do with my laying in bed feeling like a completely useless piece of shit and having no energy and wanting to do. that also might be why i couldn't exercise my full amount of time last night.. i thought i was gonna pass out.. never in my life had i gotten that tired that fast. it was ridiculous.

my hair looks amazing and i have picked out THE PERFECT OUT FIT
now i have to paint my nails and shit and do my eye make up because thats pretty much the only parts that will take any time.. make up and nails and i dont even HAVE to do my nails i just want to... and the only make up im doing is my eyes



its 9:30
i left the NHS band alumni thing early because i couldnt be in a loud place that long and everybody i wanted to talk to was at the other table and there was no way to get over there without standing up while talking and i didn't want to do that and i dont know i hate everything

i am going to bed
it was nice seeing people
maybe next time it will be better?

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

wet wednesday!!!! nov 18, 2015

so much rainnnnn omgggg  and i feel horrible because stans black umbrella was in my car and my pink one was in the house and he took my pink one.. i told him i would go get the black one but he wouldnt let me go out in the rain for that now i feel like a bad housewife =( my man is gonna be using a pink black and white flourish design umbrella =(  im so sorry babyyyyy =(

i woke up at 5:30 am with a severe headache so i took two ibuprofen and drank some warm soy milk tea and dozed back off... and when stan got up as his time it was gone.. i am so glad i got up and took care of my headache because it was really really really bad. almost migraine... it was on one side and i felt nauseated.. i guess it WAS a migraine. i dont know.. i might come back if it was... i just caught it early..
i  dunnooo

im eating a carton of frozen non fat peach yogurt.. its just as good as fruity ice cream and way better for you... just put your yogurt in the freezer and be ready to scrape the soft melting outer part and eat it slowly... its so good and takes a long time to eat and yay


after this i am scrubbing the shower/tub i've already got some spray sitting on it and i will put on some old shoes so i dont have to stand in cleaning stuff and get in there and scrub it.. i cant stand outside and do it because i am so short i cant reach and balance lol so i have to stand inside the tub and the chemicals make my feet peel and burn and its weird and yeah i learned that the hard way

today is going to be a cleaning day and sorting jewelry day
maybe signing parts of christmas cards day

and also reading books with warm tea day
because its hella book reading fleece blanket wearing coffee/tea drinking daytime nap taking weather
i just need to get my weekly chores done before i let myself indulge in the feelings of the day =P

i scrubbed the tub and got so tired after that i dozed for a few hours... off and on.. and read.. and dozed..

this weather is also making very hungryyyy which is BADD BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD
i cant stop eating and omg i'm gonna gain all this weight back and wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf

also i kind of dozed off for hours today.. and woke up just now and im taking my meds because im not sure i will remember or be awake to take them later... and yeah.. Zzzzzzzzz fuck you rain

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

tuesdayyyyyy nov 17 2015

today is big cleaning dayyyy

  • dust kindasorta there wasnt enough in one weeks time
  • vacuum
  • sweep
  • catbox
  • dishes in sink ?????

then i will sort some more jewelry maybe

i need to get on the bike today i havent done that in a whileeee but today i am doing a lot of physical work with the vacuum and sweeping so i dont know if i will.

gonna read this book "the dark beyond the stars" apparently there is LGBT material in it and i dont remember that when i read it when i was a kid but that i ok i dont care.. i just remember the book having a big impact on me thinking about space exploration and travel and what not.

today my meds didnt knock my out so bad... which i am thankful for!

last night stan and i had a little romp around midnight and i am happy we did. i felt very sexy and and i supposed to will start to feel that way more and more now that i dont hate looking at my body as much as i did before i lost weight.... it was literally like torture.. i couldnt imagine anybody else wanting to touch me... i felt disgusting.. i still do but its less now and i feel like i might look semi-ok.


finishing my english breakfast tea and then changing the catbox... doing that first because i usually spill a little litter on the rug and i can vacuum it up with the vacuum if i do that next so yay productivityyyy

okay the day went by in a blur... i vacuum talked to mom on the phone and found out my brother was coming by with  my mail that went to the house and he had Krista with him so we chatted and I gae Krista her official "WILL YOU BE MY BRIDESMAID" card.. now i have to mail julie/jess theirs and april hers lol... and start on the christmas cards oh my i think i will do that soon!! just need to sign then and write on evelopes the names and fill in addresses as we get them and add the STD and stan signs them and yeah....
so much to doooo i need to get on ittt lol
WEDDING PLANNING IS HARD YALL THE STRUGGLE IS REAL I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I AM UP FOR THIS ANYMORE LOL I JUST WANNA GET MARRIED AND HAVE OUR PLACE TOGETHER SOMEWHERE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER MY DREAMS HAVE ALL COME TRUE.. seriously... irl... so blessed.. i dont deserve this one fucking bit and it nags the hell out of me every god damn day. i will always have this feeling of un worthy ness ... its not going anywhere.. i will always be not ... good enough for this... but its been given to me anyways and i dont know what to do.. i just have to live my life.. i dont deserve it.. i know so many people who deserve this prince charming happily ever after that i'm getting and i just.. why me... i dont know.. i want to cry... i think i shall cry.. if only i could find a way to express that i REALIZE how odd and strange it is that me of all people .. gets this.. that i realize its not fair.. and i dont know how or why its happened and i feel guilty...  okay i am crying a lot

stan went out tonight with his friends from work, which is a really good thing. he needs to do that more often i think.. or he will go insane with the bad feels from work and shit.

i went to bed really early and woke up just now at 2am
and the storms are about to roll in in about 3 hours...

But i think i need to try and go back to sleep because Stan just came to bed

Monday, November 16, 2015

manic monday, if i do say.. maybe.. kinda. idk

I have tons to do today and I got up at 6:30am... took my meds.. and they are already making me crash.. i set an alarm for 8:30am incase I do doze off =( I made sure I got stan's lunch box together and walked the dog and gave the babies their morning treats before I came in here and sat down. hopefully i wont fall asleep but there is little i can do to keep it from happening given the kind of medication that is working its way into my bloodstream right now lol... it didnt usually make me this sleep but i lose a lot of weight and so... theres less of my body to use it and its more... saturated in my system i guess is what i am trying to say.

today i have to go get cat litter and laundry detergent and then do a lot of house work
tonight i will be cooking for stan.. which is good because it makes me feel useful and i have been cooking for him a lot here lately... so yay.. housewife stuff

okay i dozed off for around 15 mins i think but i awake now
i'm going to call DHR at 9am and then go to the store.. i'ts 8:40 right now
i have so much to do todayyyyy
and tomorrow i have to vacuum and sweep and stuff


okay called DHR and left a message, folded the towels, took out half the trash and went to the store for stuff... and forgot the cat litter so stan has to get that with the other stuff on his way home.. now i am.. going to take out the rest of the trash, cook some egg whites and watch netflix... then wash the dishes (i would wash them before but why do that if im going to make more right after lol)

ummm.. i think my car has a seriously flat tire and i'm scared we will have to buy a new one
i dont know

bad shit just keeps happening i hate everything boo you whore lets go eat worms and cry

ok DHR called me back and i think i have got this almost sorted so that is good. i just ate egg whites and also decided to treat myself to this Whatchamacallit that i have had saved for like.. a week?
 i kept saving it for dire emergency and i think this is an emergency i want to eat the whole house lol

i need to wash dishes soon.
i always put it off but when i start doing it i love it, idk. i'm weird.

and now dishes are done its 3pm and i am trying not to tweet a bunch of tweets about horrible things that are funny inside my head on twitter (for example... regarding terrorist coming to alabama to get our fried chicken #helpmebabyjesus)

i just cooked dinner... aaaaand Mac came over with a cigarette charged air pump for tires and fixed my tires so yaaaaaaaaay i am not scared to drive anymore woooo
i took my meds and i will probaby go to bed sometime soon..

tomorrow is vacuum sweep dust catbox dayyyyyy lots of physical activity work which is awesome i need it

i talked to mom today and she is coming to town wednesday and will meet me and give me my letter from DHR about my SNAP stuff and then i will go to IR next week and throw a crazy white girl fit and that will be all i need to do i'm pretty sure. I just need a letter from IR saying i suffer from chronic life long mental illness and blah blah blah

oh well
time to readddd

its 10pm I finished the stephen king crime novel "Joyland"
andmehhhhhhhh not impressed... i mean, the writing is GREAT! really, i love his way with words... but it was kind of boring and slow. it was super easy and good to read though. i mean, i liked the phrasing and the way the thing was put together but something just didnt quite make the cut of what i expected.. though i know he usually doesnt write this kind of book... i will read others soon... i just wanted to get something short and moderately interesting in my list of books for this year... it WAS interesting. i did enjoy it. but it left me feeling like it was lacking something...


NOW IAM READING THE FIRST SCIFI SPACE BOOK THING I EVER READ.. when i was like.. 12? it's "the dark beyond the stars" by Frank M. Robinson
My dad took this book i'm reading now to 2nd and Charles in Birmingham to try and get credit for it and some other books and when he found out how little they were going to give him he was going to put them in the give away bin hoping somebody would get it that was interested in it somehow... and i was like "DAD NO NO NO NO THIS WAS THE FIRST OF YOUR BOOKS I READ"  so yeah i kept it and its been a few years since that day but now i am reading it... and oh my god i had no idea how much it had ingrained in my head.. just some of the very phrases and wording and its like... it's like this and ~*THE DARK IS RISING*~ are the skeleton on which my brain made up its weird fairyland world of books and magic and weirdness i dont know.. i can't explain it.. BOOKS ARE MAGICAL GOD DAMN IT. I WILL NEVER OWN AN e-READER I NEED THE BOOK IN MY HAND

ok now i am going to try to sleep but i am not sleepyyyyy
i have a lot to do tomorrowwwww

Sunday, November 15, 2015

What a weekend... nov 14-15, 2015

So... this weekends theme is REST AND RELAX. especially for Stan but we did a lot of stuff yesterday!!!! and I think I was way more exhausted than he was hahaha

on saturday we went to Five Guys for lunch. Stan got a huge amazing burger of some sort--
i dont even know what kind lol... the best thing was the side of cajun fries.... I took my own ranch dressing so I could eat them. they are sooo hot and spicy but soooo good.

then we went to ALDI and got some more applesand looked around... decided that for our purposes the meat really isnt any cheaper though it might be better quality.. however-- the canned good and produce and other stuff are definitely worth going there for and i will be getting our milk, OJ, apples, canned green beans, corn, potatoes, wheat bread, etc from there exclusively from now on.

then we went to World Market and looked at the awesome stuff and decided we would be going there again for some christmas gifts and other things.

I was tired after that so I stayed in the car while Stan went to Belk and got some more pants and then we went to Walmart and he got me some panties and three camisole under shirts that i have needed badly for a while and never gotten. they were really cheap too.. just $1.98 a piece and that is fucking great

we came home and i pretty much just crashed and went to sleep. like.. i woke up to eat and take my latuda but i was so tired. omgg

and today i woke up at the butt crack of dawn because my body is on a schedule and it needs to stay that way so i'm awake at 6:30am.. do some stuff.. take my meds which, now that i have less body mass-- are feeling a lot stronger than they were. which is fine i kind of like it honestly.. it means i know they are for real getting in my blood stream.  but they make me drowsy for about two hours

on the weekend it doesnt matter but during the week i am going to have to do everything i plan to do and try and get stuff out of the way just incase i fall asleep.. which is okay.. i mean i can just shift my chores to the afternoon and not have that free time for reading or whatever.. but i dont like that i want to be awake the whole day if i can.. i feel like a lazy piece of shit if i take naps

and sooooo sunday

today has been lazy day
started laundry and i dunno what else

i am so tired right now i dont even.. blaaah
i walked the dog. unloaded the dishwasher, planned next weeks meals (or most of them)
im sorting through and organizing some more of my clothes...

okay wow so... our dryer just quit working so we are.. kind of unable to do laundry now until we get new washer and dryer (the washer was going out anyways, i think)
Stans clothes are dry (i had already dried them twice before it stopped working)
but i dont think he believes they are because he is weird about his clothes and idek what the fuck ever

 i just hung the towels up around the apartment so they can dry because i had already put them through the wash with the intention of drying them first thing tomorrow morning after giving stan his pants

haha and like 5 mins after i typed that i tried the dryer again just on a whim and it started right up... wtffff
thats it yall im eating some food, taking my latuda and going to read and hopefully finish this book tonight and fall asleep...

Friday, November 13, 2015

friday the 13th... november 2015 teehee

ooooh, i didn't even realize it was going to be friday the 13th! haha
not that it really means anything honestly... it only means something if you think it does.. things of this nature only have power if you believe in them... so its best to just go on like its not anything special

i finished the 3rd book in ~*THE DARK IS RISING*~ sequence this morning at like.. 6am.. because i woke up too early and i needed something to do.
so now i can start the Stephen King book my dad loaned me today.... it's not his usual stuff but i think it will be lovely just the same... it's a crime thriller novel and i love me some crime stuff..

i need to take a shower today.. its been way too long. also do the dishes.
and sort my earrings back into the baggies so they are all nice and neat for whatever i go with them next.
after that i will just read and try to keep away the crazy...  i get so bored that i feel like i am going to snap someday.. but there is nothing i can do about it but try to find shit to do in the house..... i cant really go anywhere.. theres no point... i will just get sad
and it wastes what little gas i do have in my car.. i need that gas for when i actually do get to spend the last of my foodstamps.. which might be one of the last time i get them.. which means after that i really am going to be slave the this house.. but i cant think about that... i will start crying and i dont know if i can stop.

this weekend we will be staying home so Stan can rest and i am very thankful for that... i have been worried about him a lot the past few weeks and i feel really helpless because i cant make him feel better because its all work related stuff and theres literally nothing that i can do but have dinner on the table and comfort him when he gets home


okay its 2:16pm and i have taken a shower-- i feel ridiculously better now
i've eaten two apples and yogurt and i am starving but i dont wanna eat just yet... i have plans for dinner and i need wait and have my bigger meal later on but i will definitely have to eat something between now and then or i will pass out

gonna walk the dog soon i guess i dont know

i started reading "Joyland"
i am suddenly very tired
i guess i will take a nap
i took a nap and thought it was like.. two hours and it was 10 mins wowwwww i do this all the time but its just getting really annoying here lately. Stan is having the same problem.. we keep going to bed at like.. 9pm waking up at midnight ready for 7am... then the rest of the night is this fight to sleep more when we are awake already... ughh

this book Joyland is taking forever to get going... books like that tend to annoy me at first but i know it will get better i just have to keep on reading.
i think i will read another book at the same time.. NOT from ~*THE DARK IS RISING*~ though.. probably one of the books from middle school or something

i have had  a lot of trouble balancing lately... its like.. my body feels off center.. i feel weird when i walk and stand.. like something is missing? i dont know.. maybe its my ass thats disappeared hahahahahahha no it hasnt its still here.. trust me...

im bored heres some gifs

Thursday, November 12, 2015

november 12, 2015 - TEA THURSDAY

again with the tea..

this morning i am having Tazo english breakfast tea with soy milk and cinnamon sugar.

today i am going to attempt to do the following tasks:
  • dishes in sink 
  • clean out the microwave 
  • sweep laundry room 
  • clean bathroom counter and mirror 
  • clean toilet 
  • clean kitchen counter under the glass with bleach to kill germs cause gross gross gross 

I also need to sort jewelry, call mom and make sure my plans for cooking these sweet potatoes are on target and brush Hercules hair out some more with the olive oil detangler .. he really needs a new brush.

i should finish the third book in ~*THE DARK IS RISING*~ sequence series today... its called Greenwitch and its very very awesome... i'm not sure if the myths and stuff are inspired by real life or if they are fabricated but there's lots of ancient history myths and magic and lore and such of the area that the story is set in ... so its really awesome.

after this i will start reading the Stephen King book my dad loaned me "Joyland" and he really wants me to read "Revival".. i had already told him that Karen said it was awesome but i think he had time to let it sink in and realized how much more i needed to read it because he was so excited to tell me to read it lol. i love my dad. he is the best.


ok about to get my house wife life onnnn

okay i have done almost everything except sweep the laundry room

copy pasta from facebook status:
"i think i might be done pressing leaves this fall... i have filled one composition notebook with them.. and its lovely lovely lovely... so unless i come across some that are just absolutely breath taking (and knowing me i probably will..). i wont be collecting anymore leaves.. which means i need a new hobby..

i guess i will go back to coloring mandalas =) which is definitely soothing and takes up time
i need better color pencils though these that i have are the cheapest they make and ughhhhh so horribleeeee"

i think i might sit on the porch in the rocking chair and read my book =) its so freaking nice outside i just wanna walk around all day but i feel weird doing it here, i just went for a walk by myself and i felt weird... i could take Hercules and i will next time but theres only so far i can walk anyways...
i will probably definitely get on the the stationary bike today i have nothing else to do

wellllllll i decided to sweep out some of the leaves and muck on the front porch and pick up all the cigarette butts and take the ashtray to the dumpster and empty it.. and my blood sugar said fuck you
now i'm eating two of my apples i got from ALDI and omfg i missed apples so much omg omgomgomgomgomgogomg jesus they are so good i am in heaven

i cooked dinner (pork chops) and did the best i could making yams for the first time..
i did sort all my necklaces out into their baggies.

i just rode the bike for 10 mins and i am exhaaaaaausted... its only 7pm =(
im gonna lay down and try to read but i think  i will probably just sleep idk

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

wash the dog wednesday lol yep thats it

today i am giving the mighty hercules a bath =)
he needs it badly and it will make him feel a lot better. i'm also going to condition and comb through his hair... he is a shih-tzu so he gets people hair issues

then i am going to MAYBE go to ALDI-- the new shopping place grocery thing... you have to take your own grocery bags and rent carts but the prices are lower because they arent paying people to go get carts and bag groceries... seems pretty cool imo.
they have apples really cheap ($1.99 for 3lb bag and i eat like two a day if i have them... they are the best thing for keeping my digestive track going smoothly)
 and i was looking at the flyer they sent and apparently they have 100% juice not from concentrate no pulp orange juice for $2.09 .. thats like 80 cents cheaper than walmart and ya best believe that matters to me bitches. --- and thats the one thing that stan asked for so i am exciiiiiitedddd

all the band kids from NHS are reconnecting and its really awesome and making me laugh and yayayayayay

i am moving some of the wall art around and hanging up stan's thing he bought that goes perfectly in the dining room area
i added the heart garland to that wall from near the white cat figurine display because my ocd said there must be two things on each side i think i need to move it down about 4 inches after seeing this photo yes i have to its gonna drive me insane

aaaand now that its 9am and the stores are probably open i am going to go find this magical shopping place called aldi where apparently all your low price hipster dreams come true i dont know its like save-a-lot but closer i am game on i dont wanna drive to northport damnnn ittt thats just too far ya know?

i ate some of my yogurt that i've frozen.. it supposed went bad on the 9th of nov but i think since its frozen itll be good for another week or so

sooo gonna pick out clothes and go and come back and THENNNNN
 WASH THE MIGHTY HERCULES because Stan said i might need to save that for last because it is the most exhausting and he is probably right hahaha

i love stan so much... he is my missing puzzle piece. i cant imagine life without him in it and i dont want to. i just hope everything will be okay with all the changes that are coming up and ... i just feel really... worthless and useless and... i dont know... sigh... maybe i should get stan to ask people if they want to buy christmas presents from me (aka my jewelry)? he is so busy though i dont want to make him think about it... so i wont ask... but he reads this... and now he will think about it.. and i will sit here feeling like a bad person for being annoying when he is so busying and exhausted...

when i sort my jewelry i will take photos of the good stuff and post on my facebook i guess.. that is probably the only way i will get any money for the rest of forever

i want to cry thinking about it.. i am so mad that i didnt sell anything at the festival in fayette this fall.. like.. i didnt like anybody know but it really broke me.. broke my heart.. i feel like everything i've done was for nothing.. like this is ridiculous and i need to just suck it up and try to find a job that will make me miserable and paranoid and drive me insane with anxiety and i dont know.. id ont know.. i hate everything why am i so worthless and useless this is not the life i wanted this is not what i hoped for... this is not fair


okay serious gonna eat good and wash dog 
dog is cleaaaaaaannn and i am full of energy
i just cooked chicken for dinner and bread and heated up peas and now i am gonna go to the storeeeeeeee again i have too much energy and when i come back i will probably get on the bike because i have been meaning to do that for two days and i havent gotten to it and i need to and it will tire me out
thats me
ffff i posted this and blogger did some weird shit cause i did an arrow with the little ...sign thing i dk whatever

i went to sleep without getting on the bike.. at like.. 9pm.. and woke up at 11... or 12.. the internet was acting weird and I tried to help stan fix it.. but turns out it was just a hiccup in service, or a device issue.. not router issue. i think pretty sure yeah anyways.... 
we ended up sitting here crunching numbers on the prices between dollar tree, walmart and ALDI.... and i have a list of things that MOST DEFINITELY CHEAPER TO GET AT ALDI like, without a doubt cheaper. a LOT cheaper. so that is where i will be getting things like--- orange juice, milk, canned corn and green beans and peas, saltine crackers, tapioca is cheaper there too. and apples are cheaper definitely... Stan is going to go with me and we are going to assess the meat prices-- i am not good with the cuts of meat and quality and pricing.. that is one thing i do not know much about.

this gives me THREE places to go when i go shopping so that is AWESOME it helps me get out of the house more and expands me "Safe places" list lol #anxietyprobs
and it gives me more stuff to do.. cause i need to stay busy
i am going to be okay when i stay decorating for xmas and get these cards done to give out with the saves the dates

i should try to go back to sleep now... my sleep schedule has me getting up at 6:45 am or so... which is fine cause i sleep so early.... and usually wake up like this and sleep more.. whatever works ... i feel good right now and i want to keep it this way for as long as possible 

work is driving stan insane and there is nothing i can do about it and it makes me feel very helpless and i dont know what to do.. and... i just.. i dont know... i am trying so very hard not to let it get to me too much but.. i just... cant not let it bother me.  im not asking for him to make himself more pleasant as a front and fake it.. i want things to get better at work so he will FEEL better .. not fake acting like it okay just for me.. that hurts the most.. 

ok shutting down now 

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Tuesday.... Tea tuesday seems like a good one to have, doesnt it? =P

so today i will drink a lot of tea just cause i wanna do some kind of theme something with each day now... #thelittlethings

i will start with vanilla caramel black tea with soy milk
and mid afternoon almost dinner (think 3:33 pm?) i will have some peppermint tea
and after dinner i will make some celestial seasonings Sleepytime tea because i havent had any in a long time and i forgot we had it and it will help me sleepys

today i plan to do the following, might not get to all of it though--

  • vacuum the apartment
  • take out the kitchen trash
  • hang up Stan's clothes
  • sort my necklaces back into individual baggies
  • sweep bathroom kind of but not all the way
  • look up simple recipe for cooking sweet potatoes =) since my mom gave me some. yum yum yum i'm pretty sure i know what to do already but i just wanna make sure and see what other people do also
  • give Herc a bath

okay i have to go make lunch box now and do other wifely things
updating all day as usual...

its 12:12 pm
we are having pork chops and english peas and mac and cheese for dinner.. or Stan is.. lol. i dont think i will be eating any of it. no thanks. i'm too fat.
 i have already vacuumed and did some extra cleaning such as dusting and such. i dont think i need to do laundry today i got most of everything washed yesterday honestly.
i really do need to give Herc a bath but i just wore myself out vacuuming... i did a lot of getting on my hands and knees and into corners and under stuff with the hand tool extension thing to suck up stuff like you know.. cat liter and what not.

okay i snuck to the store and bought some xmas stuff and a good bit of house cleaning home keeping stuff and now i am out of cash =X lol
and i mean for real out of cash
if something comes up i am fucked
this wouldnt happen so often if i would make stan go to the store with me to get cleaning stuff for the house but he is always tired and i dont want to make him walk around...

i didnt eat much today and i am glad because i am not losing any more weight and that is not ok. i am not done yet damn it

okay i am trying to read its 10:30 almost and i am falling sleep so Zzzzzzzz

Monday, November 9, 2015

back at home.. monday monday monday

well im homeeee, the whole time i was at my parents house i was offline pretty much, i connect to upload blog posts that i had typed offline and then turned everything off again

it was pretty good.
we are finally getting some... plans set for the future and what we want to do and where to live and its making me giddy with happiness. i am so excited... to have Stan's Mom move down here and all the plans we are making and ... i just need to remember that we have to get this wedding out of the way before anything can happen =/

my Nana wanted me to say that we would get married this christmas as a surprise or something but no no no... that is not.. we cant. there is too much to take care of because of my crap shit horrible bills and other things that i dont want to talk about it will make me cry

today my mother gave me two dress shirts and she wanted to see if i really liked them and wanted them before she told me they were my GREAT GRANDMOTHER (Granny) 's  shirts that were in my Aunts house and they are having to move her out of there and downsize and get rid of some stuff and they were going to give these things to the church for donation but... omg omg .... they are... so perfectly me! its like they were meant to be mine! the style and design and its all very very old fashioned and vintage silk blouses and jesus i just.... i broke down and cried... i have so many memories of being at her house.. i still dream about her house... i know my mom spent even more time there than i did..
it just feels like... it was meant to come to me... i feels like a sign that i am on the right path somehow in what i am doing in life.. call me crazy but i have lived my life guided by intuition and synchronicity and its gotten me here and i am grateful


i need to unload this dishwasher now
and restart the dryer so the clothes can be folded soon.. i cant do stans laundry until he gets home from work tonight and delivers his pants that he is wearing to me... lol... our laundry schedule is off because we stayed at my mom and dad's house until this morning instead of coming home on sunday night

lol i never got to the dishwasher because i realized i was out of banana popsicles and if you know me then you know THAT SHIT DONT FLY SON
i gotta have my banana popsicles like... 5 a day. i am not kidding


i have reconnected with a friend from band in highchool and it is nice to talk to him, he was such a great guy. i will be adding another person to my list of people i keep in my thoughts and prayers and what not

okay so we have an ALDI here and they have apple 99cent a lb and fuck yeah i am getting some you best believe that crazy good i hope they take food stamps.. ffff

i need to read my book ok i keep getting distracteddd

i think im getting fatter some how i dont know i am scared there is too much food here it scares me

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Sunday Sunday sundayyyyyy

Now its Sunday...

I Did indeed finish a book last night so yaaaaaaaay. one more book on the book challenge. Woot.
Miss Lilly slept beside me all night which means that on this tiny bed at my parents house I got to move around and adjust exactly like.. One time all night. But its okay.. Lilly doesn't sleep in the bed with me very often.. Atleast not all night. So it Was like she was a kitten again.. And that was very precious. I think being back here where she grew up makes her like this... She gets very clingy to me and wants me to sit with her in my bedroom away from everybody else so she can have me all to herself. She sits next to me and purrs a lot louder than normal.. And if there's and fleece blanket nearby (which there usually is) she will kneed on it... Which is something she only does when she is in kitten mode and thinks she is still a baby.. She only does it when she is really sleepy and happy.

Its 6:58 am.... I wake up around this time All week when Stan goes to work and my body clock cycle doesn't need to be tampered with because small fluctuations can trigger a manic episode and im pretty close to that already... I'd rather not tip my hand yaknow?

Now its 7:05.. I am gonna drink my vanilla caramel black tea with milk and start my day journal.. And write in my paper journal and then read some more while its quiet...

After people wake up I will go make some noise In the kitchen and start cleaning up after yesterday events... Mom always cooks something on Sunday mornings so I think it would be a nice surprise to have the kitchen magically clean when she wakes up....
I mean.... I am Cinderella and what not right? Lol

Saturday, November 7, 2015

soaking rainy saturday but we gonna have fun anywaysss

i've packed up everything and i'm going to get in the shower and head out to my parents house in a bit.
we wanted to use the firepit and have roasted marshmallows and hot dogs and stuff and watch the game outside but noooooooo... yet again the weather has decided to ruin our plans... booo

my grandparents were supposed to come up by the house today but i think they might be cancelling on us but thats ok... nana does that a lot... she is like me.. her mind just goes all over the place and its hard to do stuff sometimes.

ok shower now. i will not really have internet until i get to my parents house.. the data on our cell phones is way over the 15GB limit.. past 16 even... thanks to my brother. we get charge $15 for ever 1GB we go over so this is not fun. they are going to shut his data off because of this... its nor fair to the rest of us.. the knows its him because they get a detailed report of the data usage.


i shower now... will update on my phone i guess when i get to my parents house.. yay for blogger app


This is saturday... I am composing this blog entry offline... And will be uploading It later.... Sooo I get to ramble In a note pad file... Sooo

So I can't use the internet because Gordon used up all the data for the cell phones and also the God damn wifi at the house.
Its been a good day In my opinion... Even though nana was a mess... That's just something we have got to get used to. Its not going to get much better.. 
The food today was amazing. Dad smoked a beef brisket and mom made yams and baked beans... I am a weirdo so I ate my own food.. Cut green beans with diced potatoes and I added mushrooms.. Plus some oyster crackers cause it was like a soup.
I ate low Cal food so I can have desserts.. Yummy in my tummy. My brownies with icing is ridiculously good. And of course my cookies are amazing...

The Alabama football game started a while ago... Its a late game...  Im not worries about having to pack go and leave tomorrow because we aren't leaving tomorrow... We are staying over until Monday morning... And tomorrow (Sunday) I am baking my chocolate chip cream cheese pie cake thing... Stan will be getting up around midnight Monday to start cooking his meat for the APR "post fund drive bbq"...

I ordered a magazine for wedding favors and whatnots and it finally came in the mail. I want to get some kind of custom thing for the wedding dang it.

I am sad because I don't think I will be able to make my 30 books in 2015 reading challenge on goodreads...

Sitting here typing out this blog entry... My brother is talking way way too much because he can't use the the internet and he is going stir crazy. I think I will have to go hide in the bedroom... I can barely handle the noise of normal stuff... And this is just way way too much...

If I go lay in bed I can read and maybe get some headway on the book challenge.

Friday, November 6, 2015

its friiiiiiidayyyyy.. time to get my bake on. and pack and idek wtf else hihihi

sup bitches

actually no its going to be cloudy and rainy for the next few days, which would be ok if it wasnt also going to be like... in the 70-80 degree range. this also ruins our firepit plans for saturday night AGAIN GOD DAMN IT. its like... not even fair, this is the first fall they've had it all set up proper and we cant even fucking use it god fucking damn it.

today i am baking cookies and packing for the weekend... and going to the store for 1. cat litter 2. transparent tape because i am about to go batshit because i have all these leaves pressed and  i cant paste them up in the book unless i use that god awful $1 packing tape that never rips right and makes a huge mess of everything every fucking time. yeah. get off me im picky with my hobbies.

im super dehydrated today . i woke up that was at 3am.. i drank my smooth move tea and didnt drink enough water with it.... ooops
i had apparently needed to poop for a day or two now and just never did.. it was really bad. i feel much better now.
 we are taking Miss Lilly with us this weekend because we will be gone for two days and two nights and i dont want to leave her here =/ she is gonna hate me =( poor thing  

im about to go walk the dog, will update this all day as usual -- (tlr@7:53am)

8:53 am.. oh shit only an hour has passed? what the hell.. it feels like three hours have passed.. i even dosed off and took a nap of some kind lol


i thought i would wait until later to go shopping but then i remember that LSU is playing here this weekend and i need to get what i need and GTFO of the stores as fast and early as possible. if you dont live here you have no idea what is going on... its like the end of the world. its bad. i think i will take extra buspar before i leave because gods know there will be 24802842802840380430824 people there and its only 9am... just trust me, its true. fuck this noise.

okay its noon now and i am so fucking hungry... i will have to wait to bake. i cant get hot and bake and shit with low blood sugar. so i guess i will eat some chicken and eggs again yum yum yum.. and watch Private Practice cause i dont want Pretty Little Liars to endddd

okay its 6pm pretty much i baked cookies and a small thing of brownies and put the left over icing on top
heres the cookies =) my "HAPPY FALL YALL COOKIES"

i just rode the bike for 13 mins! i was listening to PANIC AT THE DISCOOOOO WHICH WAS THE BEST THING EVER... i need to make a play list for my exercising on the bike... stuff that i can peddle in time on beat... that way i can do faster songs.. then do a slower one... to rest, then a fast one again. yep yep yep.

i am pissed because i let myself eat some icing from the cookies =X omfg .mfvioalhnsrgojlhbn;gld just fucking shit fucking fuck fuck
but they so goooooood

still listening to panic at the disco now... this is making the evening much more bearable lol "she's the smoke she's dancing fancy pirouettes swan diving off the of the deep end of my tragic cigarette she's steam laughing on the window panes the the never ending swaying haze oh that ever smiling maze"
i miss music so muchhh ahh
but i cant have it on all the time or it drives me insane 
it very.. hit or miss, i either needs it badly or hate it.
and it usually has to be music that i already know.. listening to new music makes me nervous because my brains want to figure out the  sounds of the chord progressions and resolutions and patterns in the music and i cant relax while listening to new music.. because i have to figure it out first.. then its familiar and i am okay.. i'm a weirdo.. i think its a band nerd thing maybe i dont know.. =X 

i think i might really want a gym membership starting next year... hmm

ok i guess i will read now idk

Thursday, November 5, 2015

remember remember the 5th of november #obligatorypopculturereference

anyways, today Stan is taking off work and we are going to go shopping for stuff to bake and cook this weekend for the APR "funddrive is over BBQ"

also other stuff we might need, and the weekend gameday stuff we will need.

im still working my way through "the dark is rising" book #2
I plan to start reading the stephen king book my dad loaned to me last weekend but i just wannt get some of the Dark is Rising series books out of the way... gotta get to my 30 book challenge goal damn it.

getting ready to go to store nowwwwww yayayayay
tlr @ 10am

its 1:30am
back from store about to eat some delicious grilled chicken and... read i guess. or watch netflix. idk.
tomorrow is bake day for saturday.. and then sunday is bake day for monday. lol #housewifeprobs

food was fucking delicious
now i am going to read books kthx

god damn i forgot how much i loved this bookkkkk shitttt.
i am so into it that i get legit flipping tables pissed when somebody interrupts me while im reading it lol



okay i totally spaced out just now and lost like an hour of time decorating my planner hahah wooooow
im not sure how easy sleep will come tonight.
what sucks is when i get sleepy but not sleepy like this i cant read books much because i wont remember what i read... so its pointless.
i feel like im getting fatter but im not and i know its my mind playing tricks on me (as i have not gained weight)
also i am exercising and building muscle so that is kind of.. well, im toning but my weight is staying the same... but things fit looser, you know? its very frustrating because i cant SEE myself properly... i never have been able to... i dont know what i really look like.. i take photos and shit but as far as im concerned im a huge blob of fat with arms and legs of fat fat fattyness and thats all i know when i look at any photo of me.

youd think at some point i would get over this shit (ive had an eating disorder for 10 years now) but i havent i dont want to be  disgusting and fat... i just cant... i dont know... i hate myself if i let myself gain weight and this is the only way to be happy and that is what i am going to do.
its 11:17pm

i was typing/talking about hating my fat ass body at 11:11

oh i see what you did there gods

get off me i cant handle this right now here are gifs be merry and bright little ones

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

happy hump day yall =P

i have already swept and mopped the kitchen it looks SO MUCH BETTER but i have come to realize that my ocd about germs is going to make this some kind of.... event every time. i need brushes and towels that only get used on the floor they cannot be used anywhere else they are contaminated ok thanks im a freak bye

i was so tired last night and didnt even know it i slept all night and woke up this morning wanting to sleep more lol
i gotta get some energy back dang it
this isnt cool

i am so bored omfggggg

today was a good tea day =3

i set out three small chicken breasts and we are having chicken for dinner and whole kernel corn from a can i had to get more chicken!! so that let me get out of the house

i shaved my legsssss lol.. its getting to where i dont want to because im wearing pants... but i will start up again when i wear tights and leggings because that just feels fucking weird
i have to get on the exercise bike today because i am so fucking antsy
i am sad because i am almost at the end of what they on netflix for pretty little liars and i know they supposed to be filming and shit and there is gonna be more but what the fuck... i have to find another show with skinny girls doing bad things to watch or i will go insane #ihaveissues


i might try to watch something as a test run... before i finish it up because i cant handle a gap in my skinny bitch dramas 

tlr @ 2:00pm

 btw just for my own reference when i go back to read this rambling all day post i update all day
whatever my blog i do what i want

its 4:30 and i have walked and collected more leaves and also rode the stationary bicycle for 10 mins and i am still going insane with antsy anxiety im gonna have to expand my activities or something.. i think i might try learning how to crochet again.. it would be nice to know.. i never did get very far with it.. 

other projects--- take post it notes and write the count down to STAR WARS THIS DECEMBER AND PEEL OFF EACH DAY AS IT PASSES AND FEEL THE AWESOME NESS OF IT GETTING CLOSER

i bought funfetti cake mix that was left over from halloween it was 50% off and i can use it to make AUTUMN themed cookies

oh i keep forgetting to read this book damn it lol that is not like me
i also havent written in my journal a lot either.... weird

my focus has been... not so good..
but i am happy so that is what matters to me
i am mostly happy unless i get bored but i am getting around that with finding things to do

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

tuesday nov 3 2015

i slept really hard last night between my the times i woke up.
i feel really refreshed and better on the energy front.
i have a lot of chores to do today and i hope i get everything done and have time to relax
they are hiring NEW management here at the apartment complex and the guy is going to LIVE ON SITE so that will be interesting.. there will be a quick resolution to domestic disputes and loitering and shady behavior.
i am kind of happy.. like... more than kind of happy.
im going to eat my yogurt and then vacuum the apartment.
(10:13 pm)
okay i ended up vacuuming and cleaning the toilet and the sink/counter/mirror in the bathroom. and i took two of our broken vacuum cleaners to the maintenance guys and they will either fix and use or throw them out whatever they want its out of the office and not taking up space.
the next thing ineed to do is sweep the kitchen floor and mop and then scrub the tub
but i think i will scrub the tub today and save the floors for tomorrow
im getting really antsy so i will probably try the exercise bike and see if it helps my anxiety today because if not im gonna have to go somewhere and do something im getting batty

ffff i ended up going somewhere. i got more popsicles and i got stan some more spaghettios and those cheddar fries and some cookies for his lunchbox (different cookies, hope he likes them they were a super huge pack for $1.84 or some such

i never did scrub the tub but i sprayed it down with water and bleach-- so very diluted bleach and it took out some mildew stain and of course water and bleach just evaporate pretty much but i will turn the shower on and rinse down the walls just to be safe ...
i will spray something else on there and actually scrub it tomorrow.

i want to do the floor in in the kitchen with one fell swoop or whatever they say... sweep and mop and be done with it. i dont feel like the floor will ever get clean with what i have to clean it.. it needs to be properly scrubbed the fuck down...  i will have to do it on my hands and knees with a brush.. but for now i need to get some of it up so its not so much when i do go at it with the brush because i will have to clean that thing out in a bucket i guess and thats going to really gross me out as the water gets nasty =( ugh i hate that... eventually you are rinsing and washing with dirty water like.. okay.. wtf.. i might come up with another way around this using two containers one of clean cleaning product and water and the other of water thats rinsing water... yeah... that seems better

but first i have to get all the dust and pet hair off the floor in there because god knows we have a lot of pet hair lololol  okay i need to take this dog outside and... probably eat something??? idk

aaaand now
... its 8:30 and i am tired but not wanting to sleep. but i will go to sleep soon i think...

my scheduled blog post

I have set up a habit tracker to try and motivate and keep track of my stuff so i have schedule to blog today. there is a lot going on. i...